Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme The best that can be said for the Week 3 game against the Ohio River Bungles is that we won. We won despite, alas in spite of, the M.A.S.H.-like status of the injury list. This felt like one of those games where Colonel Potter lost complete control of the roster. All 7 game-day inactives were starters, and Brian Bulaga only lasted about half of the game until he re-aggravated his kankle. To win with that many starters missing is an accomplishment. The win was ugly for sure, but we’re not apologizing for beating the “best 0-2 team in the league, who are way better than their record” according to Rob Demovsky and other people that Coach has zero literary respect for. Oh, by the way, when the season is over, this W will count. Packers head coach Mel McCarthy was quoted after the game as having said “…we will advance thru adversity after a juggernaut game last week.” Please message Coach CH if you have any idea what that means. The first half was fugly as the Falcons (oops) Bengals converted 4/5 third-downs on scoring drives of 79 yards and 60 yards. Combine that with the Pick-6 on Rodgers and the Bungles were up a comfortable 21-7 at halftime. The 14-0 deficit in the second quarter is getting to be a trend with Pack, now 34-0 over the last two games. A deficit that can obviously overcome at home against a mediocre team, but not on the road against a playoff quality team. Now the good news. With rookies and first time starters all over the line-up we won the game. After a rough start, the Packers didn’t give up another third-down conversion (excluding a 4th Qtr PI on Kevin King). The defense woke up on the final five drives, with second-half sacks from Josh Jones (2 total) and Ahmad Brooks giving the Packers the stops they needed to get the game into overtime. Jones also had a key 3rd-down tackle to start the extra period, which gave Rodgers a chance to win it. Previously injured rookie DT from Auburn, Morticiavious Adams, had several snaps and looked decent, and Morgan Burnett was all over the secondary, playing 3 different positions (Nitro LB, Slot Corner and Safety). Unfortunately, one alarming development has emerged. As Clay Matthews closes in on the franchise record for sacks, Coach has noticed that he’s a bit envious of newly acquired Ahmad Brooks and is worried that Brooks will eclipse his spotlight this year. Clay is shown here below trying to prevent Brooks from sacking Bungles QB Andy Warhol. Oh, the other good news? We have AR & Lambeau! Combine the lack of a running game with constant pressure, injuries at both offensive tackle spots, no Randall Cobb and the Packers still scored 27 points. Sure-handed Lance Kendricks had his first TD of the year; keep an eye on him as he will regularly be open with all of the attention on Germichael Finley (oops) Michael Bennett. Rodgers did it all, completing 28 passes for 313 yards and 4 scrambles for 23 yards. And Lambeau? The crowd was rocking! Even thought it was a Milwaukee Season Ticket Holder Game (Golden Ticket), the crowd was L.O.U.D. (Although for the 2nd home game in a row AR had to quiet the crowd when we were on offense. What’s with you, dumbasses?) Injuries are going to be a big part of the story this year. Coming out of the Bengals game we have both a lengthy injury list and a fully loaded IR/PUP list. Ponder this for a full nano-second, the top-5 tackles who entered training camp are all injured. Bakhtiari and Bulaga are injured (the only 2 tackles with experience on our roster) yet still on the active roster, but “Dawnny” Barclay, Jason Spriggs and now Kyle Murphy + long snapper Brett Goode are on IR. Sheeeez! Let’s hope Colonel Potter can find 45 guys to suit up Thursday night. WTF - The Coach's take on what’s messed up in football lately Players Ignoring National Anthem Sends Fans into Mass Ambivalence GREEN BAY- Sunday afternoon before kickoff, upon the sight of NFL players remaining seated on the bench during the musical rendition of Francis Scott Key's poem and ode to our country's flag, "The Defense of Fort McHenry" (a.k.a. the Star-Spangled Banner), an oppressive wave of ambivalence seemed to settle over Packer Nation. The acquisition of outspoken players like Martellus Bennett, Lance Kendricks and Kevin King, who have carried Wisconsinites' hopes for a Super Bowl on their shoulders since the start of training camp, drove many to a maddening indecisiveness on how to react when these players remained seated on the bench while others were locked arm-in-arm on the sideline. Sunday's sit-down brought a simmering political wort to a boil. "A bunch of people in my section immediately voiced their support for these players, though there were some who wanted to wait and see how well they played before making any judgments." Said longtime Packers fan Pat McRoin, "As long as we win, I don't care what they do. I remember when Lofton forced chicks to go down on him in a nightclub stairwell. If we can sweep that shit under the rug and put him in Packer Hall of Fame, I can keep my eyes on the Jumbotron during the National Anthem. At least that way I'll get the words right. I always forget that 'Whose broad stripes and bright stars' part." The cowering offices at 1265 Lombardi Avenue again refused to make any official statement on the demonstration, citing a "no-win situation" media clause. Despite all the political rhetoric as the season unfolds, from the sound of each game’s first whistle until the final gun, Packers fans can still look forward to being entertained by bone crushing blows, which will in all likelihood result in legal battles over head trauma years down the road -- that inevitably yield similar ambivalence. Noteworthy, some oft-concussed former players were also part of the pregame demonstration on Sunday. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Diehard 8-Year-Old Chicago Bears Fan Showing Early Signs of Masochism LOCKPORT, IL—Expressing a mixture of alarm and heartache over the boy’s recently discovered disorder, the parents of diehard 8-year-old Chicago Bears fan Conner Evans told reporters Tuesday that their son had begun showing early signs of masochism. “A year ago we identified the first stages of his condition, and it’s been absolutely devastating as a parent to see our little boy struggling with something like this,” said the boy’s mother Lindsey, noting with sadness that the little boy’s self-flagellation includes watching the entirety of every Bears preseason game, regularly checking their official team Twitter page, and, in perhaps the most tragic and definitive confirmation of his disorder, recently purchasing a Pernell McPhee poster to proudly display in his bedroom. “I thought something might be wrong when Conner made himself so angry by obsessively rewatching clips of the Bears blowing late-game leads last year, but it was his insistence that they’re going to be good this season in the face of all objective reasoning that confirmed his masochism for me. I want to help him, but we’ve been told there’s very little we can do. I just hope he can stay strong, because he will most likely be dealing with this for the rest of his life.” The boy’s grief-stricken mother added that it was hard not to blame the boy’s condition on his father, a sadist who likely inflicted his longtime Bears fandom on his son. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Big Ten Update: Our crack investigative reporter was able to obtain this secret and salacious dossier of a double secret emergency meeting at Big Ten HQ in Chicago last week. A faction led by the AD’s from Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State want a division realignment, citing a perennial patsy schedule for Wisconsin and near automatic championship berth. Our reporter was able to learn about several proposals which include: The top Eastern team this year will trade with Illinois for the 2018 season.
Bucky was idle this week, but there was a superficial analysis of weak points of each ranked team on ESPN.com which caught our eye. The ESPN analysis of the Badgers amounted to a glowing review which in a nutshell says:
Gaglionone is certainly a risk in any upcoming tight game with his hit and miss place kicking. Perhaps he should lay off the South Milwaukee diet and try the South Beach. We need to avoid more injuries especially to Hornibrook and the LB’s. Our run defense in particular is un-tested. The secondary looks great against a fill in BYU QB, but what will happen against McSorely in December? Moreover, here are a couple pointers to consider:
After next week at lowly Nebraska, we need to pay attention to Purdue and Maryland, although each squad lost this week with Maryland turning in an especially piss-poor, putrid performance. Rankings Analysis (as if it really matters): Bucky moved down a notch after being passed by Georgia and TCU with Okie State moving down. Big whup. Regarding the aforementioned strength of schedule, Maryland did us no favors by losing big to Central Florida, nor did MSU who lost big to over rated and unranked Notre Dame. What has happened to MSU? They still benefit from easy entrance requirements for those recruits who cannot get into Michigan or Wisconsin, or would be buried on the depth chart at tOSU. All this nonsense will come out in the wash if Bucky keeps winning. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Coach supposes that you are aware the Bears beat the Steelers 23-17 on a Jordan Howard rushing TD in OT. Coach is not sure if you know the rest of the offensive story…in true Bears fashion they have found in QB Mike Glennon a very able replacement for “Jay” (if you are still struggling for a definition of “one dimensional,” Coach will lend you his H.S. Geometry text book). Coach is very certain that one of our very able young DB’s will have a Pick-6 and continue Jay’s tradition at Lambeau. That’s the “good news” for this coming Thursday. The bad news? The Bears, at 33 minutes, dominated the time of possession, ran the ball well, played very good special teams and matched Pittsburgh at 2 turnovers each. Jordan Howard had 138 yards rushing with a 6 yards/carry average and has led the Bears to the third best rushing attack in the NFL at 5 yards/carry. We have struggled mightily against the run thanks to our new Nitro, NASCAR & Noxious defensive packages…so buckle your chin strap we are going to see Howard carry the ball 30 times on Thursday night. Further bad news? The Bears have a good defense again. You may recall that Coach did an in-depth analysis on Mr. Vic Fangio’s 3-4 defense last year (see Packers-Bears 2016 post archives). The Bears are now starting to shape into the same sort of swarming/blitzing defense that tormented the Packers when Fangio was DC under Khaki Pants Harbaugh in San Francisco. The Bears have some real studs in the Front 7 … including book-end OLB’s Willie Young and last year’s #1 Pick Leonard Floyd. With our meatball-surgery recipients at the tackle spots, Rodgers is going to be running for his life all night and we will be limited to quick-rhythm-short-passing and running. ….but the Bears are also the comedic gift that keeps on giving. In a true “only this franchise can really suck this bad” kind of moment…the Bears should have won the Steelers game in regulation. Classic Bears Fail (Click on Link) The picture above hardly does justice to the “galactically stupid” Marcus Cooper (from that football powerhouse, Rutgers) of the Chicago Bears showboating his blocked field goal return by (attempting) to walk into the endzone, only to have the ball swatted away on the 1 yard line. Most of the time the play-by-play description of a game is kind of dry and goes something like: “2nd & 6 @ 34, B.Bob run right for 3 yards" So just out of curiosity, Coach had to see how they wrote this one up. Well, here it is (note: even the play-by-play guys were laughing while writing-up this record length play)… To make it even more "so typical" Bears…the part that is really, really, really funny and really, really, really typical: they get the ball for an untimed down at the ½ yard line, where you assume Jordan Howard will punch it into the EZ, and they jump for a 5-yard illegal procedure penalty!!! Only the Bears can twice, count it twice, during 0:00 secs of elapsed game clock, turn 7 points into zero points twice and then settle for 3…putting themselves into an OT game that they could have won in regulation (but actually should have lost -- the FG attempt before halftime should have never been granted with an offensive penalty when there is no time left on the clock). Bear down Chicago Bears…you are putz’s. In moments like this, perhaps we can better understand the Bears if we turn to the poetic prose expressions of the NFL’s fans overseas…. If you need this translated, you are probably a Bears fan. So, there you have it folks…more insightful analysis...in the end the Packers, despite having Dom Legume at Defensive Coordinator, will beat an improving Bears team 21-17, because:
JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Perhaps one of the most influential contributions to Green Bay’s early Super Bowl success was the great homework done by the Packers scout, George Halas, Sr. You see, back then, NFL teams would only scout other NFL teams, because they didn’t play any AFL teams. That is until Tom Miller, assistant to the Packers’ general manager, hired George Halas to do just that. I know what you’re thinking (…that name, it … it just sounds so familiar. Why do I know that name?). Well, does George – “Papa Bear” – Halas ring a bell? I knew you could make the connection! Even way back in 1966, the Bears sucked. So much so that they didn’t make the playoffs (just like the modern day Chicago Bears) and George J. Halas, Sr., Chicago Bears scout (and nephew of George S. “Papa Bear” Halas, Sr.) found himself at home in December instead of scouting another opponent. So on the Sunday before Christmas when Tom Miller sent his pro scouting staff of 1 (Wally Cruise) to Yankee Stadium to watch the Giants face the Dallas Cowboys, he also put Halas on a plane to San Diego to watch the Kansas City Chiefs defeat the Chargers (I bet you didn't know that -- WAY back then -- the Chargers actually played in San Diego, not Los Angeles ... it's true ... look it up!). Halas sent the Packers his scouting report on the Chiefs, and they liked it so much that they hired him for another week – sending him with Cruise to the AFL Championship Game in Buffalo on New Year’s Day 1967. Halas delivered his AFL Championship game scouting report on the Chiefs to Lombardi the next day, and he helped craft the game plan for Super Bowl Uno. In particular, he emphasized that KC’s deep backs played WAY too deep and suggested that the Packers send fullback Jim Taylor into the line on a fake and throw to the tight end or split end cutting short over the middle (#maxmcgee). The result: 35-10 Packers, and the coveted trophy became named after the Packers' legendary coach. But there’s more… You see, back then scouts had to have another job besides their weekend scouting (because scout pay didn’t last all year long). So during the week, the 42-year old George Halas also sold GE products out of their Wiring Services division. In February 1967, soon after the Super Bowl I victory, Halas talked the Packers into buying a soil-heating system for cold-climate athletic fields called the “electric-blanket” to be located 6-inches under the playing surface. But on December 31 of that same year, the system Halas sold to the Packers had malfunctioned in the subzero cold, leaving moisture on the field while it was covered by a tarp. Immediately after the tarp was removed -- the moisture froze, creating conditions more like an ice rink than a football field. That, of course, was the Ice Bowl! The Dallas punks couldn’t deal with the ice and, alas, we went on to Super Bowl II.
BTW, George J. Halas, Sr. was born in 1919 … just like the Packers! After his contributions to the Packers, he continued to serve as the Bears lead scout until 1974, and he passed away in 2000. Thank you, Papa Bear’s nephew of the same name, for helping us win the first 2 Super Bowls. You sucked in Chicago, but you don’t suck here. Sa-lute!
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Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Remember that video store called BLOCKBUSTER? It was owned by Waste Management garbage/recycling magnate, and Miami Dolphins, Florida Marlins and Florida Panthers owner wealthy Wayne Huizenga (a FIB by birth, but was smart enough to leave Illinoise to get rich during the cocaine '80s era by consuming second hand Pablo Escobar money while Glenn Frey broke up The Eagles to do cameos on Miami Vice). Well, the last time Mrs. Coach went to BLOCKBUSTER (circa 1997), she brought home a movie that she predicted I wouldn’t like (hint: Coach never liked a movie Mrs. Coach brought home, but he keeps that to himself because – hey, it’s movie night and… you know). Anyways, 15 minutes into Sunday’s game I found myself saying the same thing that I said to Mrs. Coach 15 minutes into that video: “I’ve seen this movie before.” Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme It must have Orange Julius that beat us, right? Flat out no. We didn’t do all that well against him, but Coach is here to tell you flat out we sucked on D….and it’s not passing defense, it’s run defense. In an almost eerily exact replica of the last nightmare, we were down 24-7 at halftime and 31-7 less than a minute into the third period. Let’s kick the rest of the garbage out to the curb right away…..and get back to the D in a minute. Seventy yards lost on 10 penalties and two turnovers by the Pack vs. 32 yards on 6 for the flaconnette Falcons -- including the scoop and score TD on Rodgers fumble, put the Packers in a hole too deep to climb out of for a road game. Yeah, some of the calls were questionable and some of you don’t like hearing Collinsworth & Michaels explain it…but folks we had 10 penalties for 70 yards -- including seven for 50 yards in the first half alone. That is just poor football. (As an aside, Coach was shocked at how quiet the Atlanta Flatulents crowd was for the opening of their new VW Field in a blowout win, and – how great and loud the Packer fans were, despite the travesty unfolding before them.) Injuries to both tackles put Rodgers on the run virtually the whole game and he didn’t have much run support. Playing from behind after Atlanta went up 7-0 on the first drive, the Packers only had 15 carries for 59 yards in the whole game. The net result is that Rodger’s was chucking it all over the place and ended up throwing 50 times with a below-average 90.7 rating. With 3 of 5 offensive lineman banged up the Offense only managed 7 points in the first quarter, but Coach remains optimistic that the Offense will be solved by week 5 or 6. Typically we struggle out of the gate, and the injuries this year have started to pile-up, nevertheless Rodgers & McScrutiny are likely to figure out the winning formula for 2017 in a week or two. So why is Coach upset about the Packers D, and the run D in particular? For the game the Falconets had 141 rushing yards on 27 carries for a 5.2 yds/carry average. This was not Ron Dayne against Upper West Arkansas Junior College, this was an NFL Team running against Dom Capers’ new Noxious Defensive Package. As you probably have already read on lesser Packers informational outlets, the new Nitwit Defensive Package is based on the premise that – if we have fast guys, they can outrun the fast guys on the other team. It features two DL, three LB’s and six DB’s, sort of looks like a DII basketball team defending the three-point shot while ignoring the hoop. This Defensive alignment drives Coach nuts because the run game is predicated on driving the other guy out of the way, not based on speed. Coach can think of no better way to characterize the Falcons game than by analyzing the first drive of the game. The Pack won the opening coin toss and deferred to 2nd half. Mylanta received the opening kick-off and returned it to the 14 yard line, which normally means your team has an excellent shot to steal back a possession. Not so fast Dommy boy. We showed no ability to deter them at all, they held the ball for 5:09 while they were going 86 yards in 9 plays, and they gained almost 10-yards per snap rate. UFB. But the big news is that the Falcons are very smart and they also read Coach’s insight. They ACTUALLY RAN 6 OF THE 9 PLAYS, INCLUDING THE LAST ONE, RUNNING IT INTO THE END ZONE. Ironically, much of the time the NITRO package lines up in a relatively standard 4 (DL) – 3 (LB) – 4 (DB) formation, but two of the DL are replaced by LB’s and 2 of the LB”s are replaced by DB’s…so in reality it’s a 2 – 3 – 6 formation, with no beef to stop the run. On the last play of the Falcons opening drive they had a 3rd & Goal at the 3 yard line. The photo below is from just seconds before the snap and you can see that Atlanta is in a “heavy” set, 2 TE’s, 1 WR, a FB and HB. Naturally we would counter with classic goal line stand, with 8 or 9 DL and LB’s, right? Hell no, we lined up the Ashwaubenon HS Cross-Country team and the Blackbirds easily penetrated the end zone. (Coach’s firm belief is that the actual Ashwaubenon HS CC team would have done better. The girl’s team.) Moments later Coach punted his remote through the front window as Devonte Freeman easily ran into the end zone standing up. This crappy D always plays well against the crappy teams so that Murphy can hand out his participation medals in February. They just don’t play well when it matters. That’s why this dish is gaining in popularity… If there was one bright spot on D, #1 Pick Kevin King played in 46 snaps and made three tackles — including an impressive open-field stop of Falcons running back Tevin Coleman — and tallied his first career NFL pass break up. Ha-Ha’s homie from Alabammy, Quinton Dial, also played 34 snaps and looked OK, so we’ll keep an eye on his progression. So much for those three running backs drafted back in April, Ty Montgomery is looking more like a legitimate starter and he had 35 rushing yards on 10 carries (the Packers were playing from behind all game) but added six receptions for 75 yards and two total touchdowns. Note: Eddie Lacy was a healthy scratch for the Seattle Seahawks this week. WTF - The Coach's take on what’s messed up in football lately McCarthy Fires Head Physician GREEN BAY—Long time Team Physician (and unofficial locker room photographer) Pepper Burruss was released by the Packers early Monday morning for what team spokesperson Randy Aussie referred to as “…inability to field a healthy squad for one freaking game.” Burruss’ replacement has not yet officially been named, but Rob Demovsky of the ESPN Future Sports Reporters Apprenticeship Program (FSRAP) has indicated that the job is in all likelihood between Packers Strength & Conditioning Assistant Coach Chris Gizzi (of post-911 flag-carrying fame), and former NFL journeyman QB Chris Chandler. When learning of the abrupt change in physician staff, Tight End Martellus Bennett dropped a pass. In related fitness training news, (ouch)… Click on Link One of Mike Holmgren’s greatest coaching skills was his ability to adjust strategy in-game based on how circumstances unfolded, and he masterfully managed games. Honestly, do you ever remember criticizing him for a bad decision during a game? Nope. When they lost, it was clearly player fault – not sideline ineptitude (#TJRubley)…or it was the referees in Dallas. In contrast, McCarthy’s worst skill is his inability to manage in-game decisions at the Head Coach level. In the span of about 2 minutes of game time, we went down by 3 touchdowns. And, although Coach isn’t happy about any of them, 2 of them were completely avoidable (and we should have won by 4 points). Let’s face it, things just didn’t go our way in the 2nd Quarter…culminating in that turning point phantom pick-play penalty. Shit happens. Sometimes you just gotta pack it in for the half and regroup … especially when you know you’re gonna get the ball to start the 3rd quarter. After all, you DID defer to the 2nd half, right? But Mike McDonald broke into his best rendition of David Coverdale circa 1987 Whitesnake “Here I Go Again” dialing up too much Offensive aggression deep in his own territory with long down and distance and a minute left in the half. Instead of keeping your team within shooting distance and giving your team a chance to run the ball in the 3rd period, and despite having 2 backup tackles and no Jordy Nelson, MM kept ordering Aaron to sling it down the field. That shit is fine when you’re playing the Browns or the 49ers, but not the Seahawks and definitely not the Falcons in Atlanta when they are opening the season in their brand new stadium. THINK, you knucklehead. You’re the Head Coach, not the Offensive Coordinator anymore (#Belichicksmart). The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof “We need a better punter.” CHICAGO—Following the team’s blowout 29-7 loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday, Chicago Bears quarterback Mike Glennon told reporters that -- despite his lost fumble and interception, he would be the first person to admit the team is in dire need of a new punter. “It’s certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O'Donnell” remarked Glennon, who pointed to O’Donnell's shanked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team’s unraveling and conceded that blame for the team’s loss rested squarely on the veteran punter. “Going forward, there will have to be some serious adjustments made to our punt unit—when individual players aren’t doing their part out there, we’re going to fall short as a team. Pat didn’t play well, and he needs to accept responsibility for that.” Glennon went on to acknowledge that Bears long snapper Andrew DePaola will also need to step up his performance significantly before next week’s game against the Steelers if the team is to have any chance of turning its 0-2 season around. When reached for comment, Head Coach John Fox boasted “Our loss to Tampa was important for the hurricane stricken citizens of Florida. Sometimes nice guys finish last, but it’s worth it when you think of all the spirits you’ve lifted along the way. Sure, the date of our final game this season will probably be confirmed before the Cubs’ last game is, but Tampa has a real shot at making the playoffs. Reducing their chances by winning today would have been just plain mean to the folks that live around here. By the way, did you hear that many workers in Pittsburgh steel mills lost their jobs over the last 10 years? People should talk more about that this week.” Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Let’s try to find fault and opportunities for improvement in Bucky’s decisive 40-6 win against the Roaring Cougs of BYU on Saturday. Let’s think for a second. Anyone have any pointers? Beuler? No, because it is really tough to find any fault in anything the Badgers did. The best negative comment we can come up with about this road trip is that the PBR swilling, beer pong playing Badger fans (Click on Link) trying to tailgate were forced to party pre-game at a hotel in Grand Junction, Colorado 240 miles away. Coach was slightly worried about winning, given that this was an away game, at a high altitude venue, and the fact that over the last 25 years we tend to lose a very win-able game at some point in the season to mar an otherwise perfect season (see Cincy in ‘98 or the Goofs in ’93). Alas, this was not that game! Lefty sophomore Joe Willie Hornibrook broke legendary Badger QB Darrell Bevell’s completion record of completing 18 of 19 attempts (and the missed completion was a ball that hit the receiver in the hands). This was after a couple games where the QB and receivers were not in synch and there were nauseating cases of the dropsies. This result was a BIG POSITIVE in our book! The D was fairly stingy, limiting the anemic BYU offense to a below-average performance even for them. Backup redshirt freshman Merrell Hoge, Jr filled in for a hobbled starting BYU QB and shot his wad early. Ol’ Teddy T certainly has a gleam in his eye over RB Ula Tulatau who looked tough during the first quarter and finished with 58 yards. Similarly, Squally Canada (9 yards, 3 carries) must be on Ted’s radar screen as well -- if for nothing else but his name appeal. On offense, our receivers caught everything (except one) in sometimes challenging situations. The running game was solid with true freshman Jonathan Taylor leading the way, even though there were no huge runs…note that the BYU run defense are no slouches. Above all, the OL was the star squad, spanking the poor Mormons relentlessly in pass protection and clearing lanes -- even for the garbage time squad. If we continue on this track through the Big Ten schedule, NCAA playoffs are a real possibility. …although Purdue and Maryland might be sneaky-good this year…watch out! Bucky moved up in the subjective, politicized, media influenced rankings, so we have that going for us. We are even ahead of the Buckeyes. Too bad USC beat Texas in OT, or we woulda moved up more, and the Big Ten woulda looked better by virtue of the Maryland win over Texas. Since Bucky now has a bye week, we will analyze the upcoming Big Ten opener against the Northworstern Mildcats in our next edition. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game As they say, never get too excited by one win or one loss. The Packers looked awful last week, but as with most NFL games there were a handful of plays that made the difference. This week’s game is against the Cincinnati Bungles, and they may have just the cure for what the Packers need. The tiggers Offensive juggernaut has scored only 9 points in 2 games. Cincy QB Andy Dalton owns a 54.5 completion percentage, zero touchdown passes, four interceptions and a 47.2 rating. Hopefully we can continue that trend for him. But as of mid-week this week we had 13 guys on the injury list, including most of our best players. Pass rusher Nick Perry (hand surgery required) was a new addition to the injury report this week, joining the likes of Jordy Nelson (was kneed in thigh, swelling during game), Mike Daniels (re-aggravated hip), and Randall Cobb (too short). The Packers were already without left tackle David Bakhtiari (strained tongue) and right tackle Bryan Bulaga (FIBitus). But it’s going to be in the mid-80’s for this late September kickoff on Sunday. That’s 2 weeks in a row that Coach can’t go bow hunting because of the very real threat of being eaten alive by mosquitos in my tree stand. Nary a sighting of spike bucks tied with twine onto minivan rooftops was had last weekend either. The good lord would not have me stay out of the woods unless a Packers victory was guaranteed, right? Besides, November 20 of this year is the 25th anniversary of Brett Favre's debut with the Green Bay Packers, a comeback win over Cincinnati. …you remember that historic 1st TD pass of his to Kitrick Taylor, right? We won’t lose to them now either. Pack 37, Bengals 13. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Because of you, the loyal Coach Clarahanson Show!!! reader who has asked for more stories about Lombardi’s guys, we return this week to the glory years by honoring Bob Jeter. In the 1959 Rose Bowl, the Iowa Hawkeyes defeated the California Golden Bears, 38–12. Robert DeLafayette Jeter, Jr., Iowa's star halfback, was named the Rose Bowl Player Of The Game and Iowa was subsequently named national champion by the Football Writers poll. After that, Jeter went to British Columbia (that’s in Canada) to play for the BC Lions of the CFL for 3 years before joining the Green Bay Packers of the USA’s National Football League. Jeter won 3 NFL championships as the Packers cornerback from 1963-1970, coming to the team the year after Green Bay had won 2 consecutive championships. For those scoring at home, that's 5 NFL championships in the '60s (which should be the standard for every decade...I'm talking to you, Mark Murphy). When Jeter's performance started to slide in the twilight of his playing years, he was scooped up by the Bears where he finished out his career. Bob Jeter is also less famous for his offspring, Rob (attaway to keep things not confusing in the house), who was a disciple of legendary Wisconsin basketball coach, Bo Ryan. Rob Jeter was briefly hired as head coach of the UWM (University of Weak Minds) men’s basketball team in Milwaukee after the dismissal of Bruce Pearl (who had just teased the nation with surprising NCAA-tourney success amidst conduct unbecoming of the school, and was subsequently scooped up by the Machiavellian A.D. at Tennessee). Unfortunately for Rob, it turns out he stunk as a head coach and recruiter, and left the UWM men’s basketball program in shambles. In 1985 Rob’s dad, Bob, was inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame. He died in Chicago (see also, Dreams) 9 years ago of cardiac arrest at the relatively young age of 71, but Bob Jeter was a great Packer and we salute him as a 3-time world champion! Now we're gonna go kick the Bengals ass. See ya!
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach wants to thank the countless loyal readers who have reached out with well wishes and financial support during The Show!!!'s recent legal battle with CNN. I'm happy to report that Coach has been legally and completely exonerated by 9th District Circuit Court judge, Jenine Politano, as she ruled there was insufficient evidence that The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! illegally rode the coat tails of the plaintiff's infamous "Fake News" format. Citing a 1988 Supreme Court ruling from Falwell vs Flint, Politano referred to what she called "obvious sarcasm to one skilled in the art" and then subsequently went on to suggest that CNN head legal counsel, Hugh Jass, "get a life." Now, on with The Show!!!... Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Well the Defense certainly showed up in Week 1! They dominated on play numero uno, and didn’t let up all game. Some say the emotional “beat down” by sports reporters over the past year didn’t sit well with defenders, and they wanted to prove doubters wrong. But Coach has acquired top secret footage of young Elliot Wolf putting players on notice and firing up the D prior to kickoff, which likely had more of an immediate impact (Click on Link). Officially, Week No. 1 is in the books and we are 1-0 baby! No apologies for the win!! As MM predicted on Wednesday before the game, it really was a heavyweight title fight, with the game hanging in the balance until the 4th Quarter when AR & the Boys took over. The Pack have now won 3 in a row against these idiots in blue-teal/safety green(?) and are 13-8 all-time vs. Seattle. To the fan of 2000’s this may have been a boring, low scoring affair. With zero teams actually playing in the Pre-Season anymore, it’s no surprise that both Offenses struggled and both Defenses excelled. Martellus Bennett was on the field for over ¾’s of the Packer’s Offensive plays and AR compensated for the lack of a run game with outstanding use of the short passing game. The Pack came close to doubling up the SeaTurds in Time-of-Possession (TOP), which is virtually unheard of outside of FBS Div 1 Non-Conference play. Glad to see Mitch McCartny used the Hurry-up Offense more judiciously than in years past – based on opponent and game conditions, and not just running it because it’s neato. More importantly to Coach, this team is developing a personality of toughness. In the 4th Quarter, with the Pack trying to close out the game, No. 12 took off running and slid head first for the 1st Down. Seattle DT KJ Wright hit Aaron in an iffy, but technically legal, way. Coach, really, really liked what happened next (Click on Link) … new guy Martellus Bennett de-cleated Mr. Wright and pointed out he was wrong to take a shot at our guy. To Coach this was a great way to start the season and Ted also thought this was an excellent adventure. Apparently so did Jeremy Lane of the SeaTurkeys. Early in the 1st Quarter he was escorted from Lambeau Field for violating WI State Law prohibiting consumption of cannabis. SeaIdiots Coach Pete Carroll was incensed at the removal of Mr. Lane from the Contest. Referee John Parry was overheard saying “come on for Pete’s sake, I saw the cloud when you rolled up this morning. You’re lucky I don’t have your whole team urine tested…do you realize that you are not in Washington? Now quit whining and go back to pretending that you are a coach.” When former Packers heavyweight Eddie Lacy was asked for comment about the Lane ejection, he responded “I dunno, does Sam Shields still live in town? Maybe I’ll head over there to relax after I chug this Gatorade.” Be that as it may, it was a great start. If A-Rod, Bennett, and Daniels keep it up, they, too, could earn the spoils of the Mayor of Cheeseopolis … you REALLY gotta see this (Click on Link)!!! Closing thoughts on the keys to victory in Sunday’s contest are best represented by the words of the players themselves, as the stars were mic’d-up by Coach… [“Look, Steve, I’m not sayin’ it’s Lowry, but somebody out there is dropping ass big time. Seriously, guys can’t breath out there!”] [“...all’s I’m saying is, if any of you guys has to fart…just turn around so it doesn’t face me.”] [“That one ought to knock you back.”] [“Smell THAT!”] [“…plus one more for the road! Wooooo!”] [“Hey, wait a minute, what about the old Stinkeroo?” (Click on Link)] WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like Boy or boy the refs really stunk ’er up at Lambeau on Sunday. (Are you sensing a theme this week? Remind me to tell you a stinky joke later…) Coach was watching Dickless Sherman play grabass with our receivers 15-yards downfield while the ball was in the air on just about every pass. If it’s obvious to me, being up 37 rows, why can’t the ref right in front of the players make the call? Sure, Jimmy Graham was mugged in the corner of the end zone, but that ball was WAY uncatchable. Anyone in the stadium could see that. Sure Lane was ejected for no good reason, but we are still owed about 10 more Seattle ejections for the Fail Mary game. Anyway, here’z da joke… Back in high school I wuz makin’out atta pardy wit ‘Loose Lisa’ and she says to me: “Hey, Coachie, kiss me where it stinks!” So I took her to Kaukauna. Here’s a bad call made on Sunday: fan in a Packers jersey shows up at Lambeau with a man-bun. C’mon, man, if you’re going to the Packers game, don’t put your hair up in a man bun. What’s worse, don’t you dare wear Packers attire with that fricken statement of wussiness on your head. Stay home until you grow a pair, you douchebag. You are an embarrassment to real men and real Packers fans, and we hate you. Speaking of dumbasses at Lambeau, who are these idiots that started the wave when the game was close late in the 4th Quarter -- and WE had the ball? (I bet they didn’t even know the wave was invented by fans in Seattle. #Kingdome) In case you missed prior episodes of The Show!!!, Coach expressly forbids all forms of wave generation at 1265 Lombardi Avenue during sanctioned competitions. In the post-game press conference, even Eminem and A-Rod chastised these dolts for “cheering” when we were on offense. Act like you’ve been to a game before… You’re don’t live in L.A., you live in Wisconsin, dammit, act like it you morons. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Time to honor our FIB neighbors to the south. Do you know where the word “Chicago” comes from? It doesn’t mean “excellence” or “pristine” or “elegant” or “regal” or anything like that. No, the hard truth is that it comes from the European settlers who found the stench of the local area to be very repugnant from the onion patches that sprawled across the flat land. These mildly retarded pioneers were duped by local Indians into thinking the word for smelly onion patch was “chicagoua” but in fact the indigenous people were poking fun at the settlers because that word was actually their name for a native garlic plant. So, you could say “The Bears still suck!” or “Chicago stinks!” … either way, you’d be right. You’re welcome. Oh, and how did their football team do? Well, let’s have a look… This year the schedulers really favored the NFC North to start the 2017 season. All 4 teams in division played their first game on their home field! So, let’s take inventory after Week 1…
They had it all right there in the hairy palm of their hands: 1st and goal, from inside the 10-yd line with 20 seconds to go, at home, and down by 6. What a perfect way to beat the defending NFC Champions and make a statement that the Bears are back! All they needed to do is cross the goal line and they’d win, but alas… a dropped pass in the end zone, and then another, and another, and then a sack. This just in, the Bears still suck (#Chicagostinks). Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground This week’s Badger Underground commentary brought to you by Big Lenny’s Term Insurance Brokerage. Do you have 3 ex-wives, and your current trophy wife that you met on Tinder wants a life insurance policy that’s 3-times the size of the policies you had to purchase for your previous mistakes? If so, call Coach's term provider “Big Lenny” at 800-DIG-GOLD. Lenny is intimately familiar with your problems, and if you're 40 to 59 years old and in reasonably good health, a $1 million policy should cost you only about $200 a month! Call now and remember, Big Lenny is just like you (except he's only on number two). Last Saturday Bucky took care of business in a ho-hum affair in which they failed to beat the point spread of 469. The Badgers won 31-14 over the FAU Owls who were looking over their shoulder with Irma bearing down. Maybe we went a little easy on them. No problem. Barry and company graciously offered the Owls digs in Madison to ride out the storm. The whole of Madison stepped up with the red carpet treatment (Isla Fisher’s red carpet matches her drapes, just sayin). The Badger squad treated the neophyte Owls to a training session on the finer points of cow tipping down by the Ag School. Fun fact: this was the first time ever at UW for cow tipping in broad daylight with all sober people. After a casual 15-20 pitchers or so of high octane Wisconsin micro-brews on the terrace, the group (now with cowshit-laden Owls) made their way up State Street. After a stop at Zorba’s for a gyro eating contest, details get sketchy. There are reports from the Cardinal Bar and O’Cayz of some local talent inviting the bewildered Owls to various shots of Jagger and worse. Our crack investigative unit uncovered police reports from the Mifflin Street area at around 3 AM involving burning couches, and another naming one Lane Kiffin in some sort of altercation at the Essen Haus (details withheld because what happens in Madison, stays in Madison). Moving on to our second Utah team in 3 weeks, this week’s matchup doesn’t carry quite the buzz that it did a few weeks ago when there were some rather significant unknowns about BYU’s 2017 team, although the locals in Provo might disagree. The Cougars return a very stingy defense that could make things difficult for the Badgers’ offense. Earlier this week, the concern was that the Badgers could be without both starting guards. A scenario whereby BYU’s pass rush racked up some hits, sacks & turnovers on Joe Willie Hornibrook came to mind—not dis-similar to what Brian Bulaga’s no-show meant to Aaron Rodgers last Sunday vs. the Seahawks. The only way BYU beats WI is if their defense scores. It now appears as though RG Benzschawel will play Saturday, bringing stability back to the offensive line. Moving on to the next item on the offensive wall of worry is the issue of dropped passes. How many times did you hear Barry Alvarez say over the years that the biggest improvement in a football team was from week 1 to week 2? Dropsies continued to be too plentiful last week. Still got some work to do cleaning that up. Shaw should be back at RB, which means no more getting stuffed at the goal line in short yardage this week. BYU’s top running back and QB from the last few seasons are now on NFL rosters (both were in Green Bay 2 weeks ago). The backfilling process has not gone well. The Badger Underground would be sorely disappointed if their offense scores even one touchdown on Wisconsin’s impenetrable defense, unless it is set up by a turnover by Wisconsin’s offense deep in their own territory. Recognizing their offensive challenges, the BYU coaching staff – including Offensive Coordinator and former Packers clipboard holder Ty Detmer – this week allotted first team snaps to a relatively unknown, un-scouted walk-on QB, Jim “Rico” Swarthow, returning from an extended 12-year Mormon mission. With a Ted Tedford-inspired delivery, he is alleged to have a strong arm (Click on Link) that could give the Badgers secondary fits. Beware of a trap game!! We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game You saw, have read and have heard about how well the defense did against Seattle. We must give them credit for holding the SeaLampreys to 9 points, but next week in Atlanta will be a much stiffer test. More on that further below. The primary thing we need to point out is that Mike and the boys have discovered Coach’s Keys to Success in Football and the Pack are in the right place coming out of the gate. Although we’re only one week into the season, and it’s way, way too early to get excited about stats, Coach will expose you to the following three tables of statistics anyway… …doing well on these stats does not guarantee a Super Bowel by any means, but being out of the Top 5 greatly diminishes the odds of hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in February. First, as Coach explained ad nauseum in previous episodes, scoring more points than the other guys is one of the keys to sustained success. Show below is the ranking for point differential. (Hint: High is good here.) This next ranking is very highly correlated with keeping the other guys from scoring. There are now marital arts courses for training in this technique. Turning back to the NFL, the next ranking is for Defensive Points Allowed. (Hint: Low is good here) As you learned during Grade School recess, having the ball in your possession and not letting the kids have it usually mean that you will have more fun. It turns out this is true for the NFL as well. All-in-all, from a statistical point of view, we are starting in the right place. As we learn more about this team and after we get 4 or 5 games under our belts, these charts will help you better understand our chances in February. BTW, this is an exercise that Bears fans will never be familiar with. Coach is very optimistic about beating Atlanta, and there are just a few simple things we must do: First ---- we must block. As this is being written, roughly half of Tackles look like they will not play this week and Pankey, a Guard, was signed from the Practice Squad to help fill in the gap. Sifting through the smokescreen disinformation BS which is now the MM standard, Coach puts the odds at 95% that Bakhtiari plays, 60% that Bulaga plays and zero % that Spriggs plays. Spriggs’ hamstring issues began in preseason games from too frequently bending over to pull DE’s/OLB’s off the pile that he was responsible for creating on top of our backup QB (from biting on even the most basic of fakes). Atlanta plays a 4-3 Defense with very good D-Lineman, so if we can’t block, then Katy bar the door. Look for more ball control and much more running to enable the make shift line to run block rather than pass block. Second ---- we must do the things on Defense which we did not do in the January 2017 playoff game. The list is not long and it is important: we must rush the passer, tackle the ball carrier and cover the receivers. Other than those items, we did pretty well. Third --- we need Aaron to be rested and relaxed. As most of you know, Olivia and Aaron split up and there are recurring rumors about his current interests. While Coach doesn’t have any definitive insight, the consensus view of the Paparazzi is that AR seems to be more light-hearted and carefree. In unrelated news, Matt Flynn has been spotted back in Green Bay taking Jazz Dance Classes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, if we play well on Offense, play well on Defense, play well on Special Teams and don’t turn over the ball, we should win. Atlanta is favored by 3 points (which is Las Vegas’ way of saying the teams are even on a neutral field), but Coach isn’t buying that. Go Pack in the upset: Good guys 27, ATL F’s 24. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them With the Brewers’ band of overachieving Double-A ballers hanging on to life support well into September – duking it out with St. Louis to pull the Cubs from their razor thin divisional lead, it seems like a good opportunity to provide you with the story of Hall of Famer Lou Brock. No, not that Lou Brock … THIS Lou Brock! At 6’-0” and 165-lbs, #16 James Lewis “Lou” Brock was not the most daunting figure on the gridiron, but he was one of the top college players in the nation while at Purdon’t. During his school days, he worked as a dishwasher to pay his way to a Bachelor of Science degree. Even back in the 30’s Purdue was an overpriced school of blowhards. Some things never change.
The versatile Lou Brock was a valuable player on offense, defense and special teams with the Packers from 1940-’45. He was the Packers’ number two draft choice in 1940 and he played his entire 6-year career with Green Bay. In 1944 Lou won a world championship with the Packers, defeating the New York Giants 14-7. In 1982 he was inducted into the Packers HOF, 7-years before he passed away (nice) at the ripe-young age of 71. Coach particularly likes the reputation that Brock had around the league as a hard driving runner and devastating blocker. Lou was Green Bay’s top punter for two seasons, led the team in kickoffs in ’42 and finished second to Don Hutson in receptions in 1941. He also was the Packers interception leader (5) as a rookie. Not too shabby. Lou Brock is who you should think of when you hear someone refer to an awesome, tough player as a “throwback.” So, Lou Brock of Packers football fame, we salute you! Now let's go beat the Falcons. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Well, kids, it’s the end of the summer... Time for football and back to school! Congrats to the winner of Coach's "Hottest chick that's been in a lot of movies I've seen lately" contest: Geoffrey Beernsten from Manitowoc! For correctly guessing Charlize Theron, Geoffrey wins an autographed Harlan Huckleby rookie card and a complementary tour for up to 4 people at the Point Beach nuclear plant with an all-access pass to the last 2 operating power reactors in Wisconsin! Charlize Theron has been in the last 3 movies that I’ve watched without me saying “This movie sucks”…and that was mainly because she was in them. The Italian Job was recently on TBS (a very cool remake of the 1968 classic starring Mark Wahlberg and Ed Norton, in which Charlize plays the hottest cable repair technician on the planet), then I On-Demanded Fate of the Furious 8 starring Vin Diesel and Duane "The Rock" Johnson (who, BTW, is running for President) one Saturday morning last month with my kid to see her as the hot villainess “Cipher”, and finally she was very recently in the theaters again as a hottie-hot-hottie for the action thriller Atomic Blonde. In case I forgot to mention it, Charlize Theron is pretty hot. …Sort of a 2017 version of a cross between Sharon Stone and Bo Derek. She's not a perfect ten, but that's nothing a little silicone augmentation can't fix. I bet she busts ’em out next year when her 1st facial wrinkles start to show in High Def. Let’s just hope she doesn’t also do that trout mouth thing. But let’s keep’er movin’... Next week’s contest is “Best real name that is probably spelled wrong” (sorry, Geoffrey, you are only allowed to win one contest per year). Now, on to football! Before we shift gears into the technical stuff for the upcoming season, let’s take one last look back at last year's top NFL players (Click on Link). Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Wow, who said Ted Thompson was dead? There have been more roster moves this offseason than Bayer has pills. If this is a result of eliminating the 75-man cut down, then Coach says bring it on! In fact, the real question that comes to mind is why do we have all of these goofy roster numbers and cut down days anyway? How do you mix player-safety, adding more games, reducing pre-season games and building the “NFL Shield”? More on that in the upcoming weeks, but suffice it to say that Coach likes it when I get to evaluate all 90 of their players sufficiently over the course of the entire preseason in order to more judiciously fill your last few roster spots (#kurtwarner). Still, though, despite my misuse of the first, second and third person, it’s got to be tough to deliver the bad news to the guys that you do end up letting go. Ted almost hired the Beloit Bad-News Barbershop Quintet this year, but it turns out they already had a gig booked at Bellin last Monday (Click on Link). So, recappping the offseason for you: The Offense is exactly the same as last year (only different): Rodgers is still the QB and Martellus Bennet replaced Jared Cook at TE (and they signed Lance Kendricks, which will limit Cobb’s touches and yes of course TJ Lang is gone and we started the year with 10 OL and now Barclay is on IR-designated-to-return and we had a half-a-dozen-no-name-running-backs in camp and a couple made the roster, blah, blah, blah). If I’m going to fast, just ask me to repeat. The Offense will be good, The OL depth is shallow, but Murphy looks like a decent backup tackle and McCarthy’s man-crush, “Dawny” Barclay, should be back around Week 10. As loyal readers know all too well, the year-in-and-year-out Achilles Heel of the Packers has been the Defense, led by Coaches favorite Coach, the Big Legume. Hear it here first: Defense Wins Championships (if you are unsure about this primordial fact of life, look back to 2016 episodes of The Show!!! where Coach lays it out)… Capers’ strategy will be tested and contrasted in Week 1 versus the Seahacks (who invested heavily on the D-line this offseason in order to pass rush QB’s so they hurriedly throw into a roaming Cam Chancellor out on the open grid iron range). Conversely, Ted and Dom went heavy on the D-backs knowing that our D-line will never generate a pass rush and our MLB’s will rarely stop a runner. Adding to Coach’s concern is the predictably complex D that the Big Legume unleashes on athletes new to his system. There have been so many changes made to the Defensive roster this year that you need, well, a roster, to keep track of them all. Let’s face it, Capers’ D formations rarely work as intended … like those sensors on faucets that are supposed to automatically dispense hand soap and turn on the water -- only it never does, until you walk away or it only works for some other dude. Don't even get me started on those toilets that autoflush "only when you step away from the toilet"...but I digress… There are two very different things to notice this year: One ---- Ted actually signed 4 decent free agents! To be fair, they are all experienced (that’s a politically correct way to say “old”) and could end up looking like the Hardy Nickerson fan club by Week 6, but at least they all are big, fast, have recorded statistics from NFL games and understand the theory of the 3-4 Defense. Two ---- The free agents are all in the Front 7 on D. Much has been made of our inability to cover Atlanta’s receiver’s in the 2016 NFC Championship game. While it’s true that we struggled even finding guys to line-up in the defensive backfield, the reality is that we were getting no pressure on Matty Rice and he had all day to throw. In that situation any/all DB’s look bad. Buckle up kids, you are going to being hearing lots of noise about Okie & Nitro packages where the genius Legume lines up small fast guys in place of Line Backers, and of course he will continue to insert LB’s where there should be Defensive Linemen. But don’t be deceived, the game will be won and lost in Green Bay as it always has, by guys smashing into each other at the line of scrimmage. Coach is very excited about the talent on this Defense and I argue that we have better quality depth in the Front 7 than we’ve had since the 1997 Season (Coach’s 4th Grade Teacher, Mrs. Miller, would probably be bothered by the constant switching between first, second and third person and singular to plural in this blog – not to mention the run-on sentences, but fortunately none of you were English majors so I will just carry on). With only one week on the roster Ahmad Brooks, Chris Odom and Quinton Dial may not even be active for the SeaCrappers game, but one can only hope. Note that FickFackFuckerelle is actually listed as 2nd Team on the GBP website, but we all know that he’s only on the Team because Ted won’t admit he blew it on a 3rd rounder last year. Shoot, he may not even be Mormon! Coach will help you understand this team in the coming weeks and hopefully be explaining why Ted is a genius for finally putting together a decent Defensive Roster… and not lamenting that my Packer dress shoes were scuffed as they passed through my TV screen while muttering “Fire Capers.” ADVERTISEMENT-First, MetalFit helped your feet feel energized with our legendary copper infused stockings. Then we addressed your knee and elbow pain with elastic sleeves to cover those joints. We’ve even developed shoe inserts and back supports to relieve every day muscle aches and pains. And now, were proud to announce the launch of our newest innovation, the Lead-Head band! The MetalFit Lead-Head band is specifically designed to restore cognitive dysfunctions stemming from concussion trauma. Our researchers remain on the cutting edge of restorative health, ensuring athletes can rebound quickly from almost any degenerative conditions that result from physical activity. So whether you’re a weekend jogger, or a former NFL quarterback like Brett Favre, MetalFit has a product for you! WTF - The Coach's take on football news that’s messed up Now Coach iz no softee, ya know, but once in er while I seez a good deed in da worlda football and I cant’s let it go unnoticed. Sher, dis sorta ting isn’t ezactly new, but it’ll still warm yer heart when youse see it and -- cuz it’s football, it’s dat much better. Special tanx to da Western States Youth 7-on-7 Football League in cooperation wit da Grant-A-Wish Foundation for OK’ing dis idea to start da contest, and kudos to da Utah Whites and L.A. Traffic fer agreeing beforehand to begin da game with a lifelong memory for little Tommy Douglas of Montecito, California, en so? (Click on Link) Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed late Wednesday morning that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94 in his hometown of Chattanooga, Tennessee. Art was a true visionary, and his innovative idea to prohibit defenders from rushing the quarterback until they said “Mississippi” five times succeeded in increasing scoring and encouraged the development of more complex defenses. He was the Roger Ailes, or – dare I say, the George Washington, of neighborhood football. Without him, there would be no Vince Papale (well, there would be, but Vince wouldn’t have ever played backlot football and famously become a Philadelphia Eagle and they never would’ve made the movie “Invincible” about him starring Mark Wahlberg, so there wouldn’t be cool shots of Marky Mark taking a sunset walk to the soothing melodic sounds of Jackson Brown circa 1976 while “Vince” contemplates his regrets of love lost with his C-U-Next-Thursday wife that left him, nor would there be the frustrating scenes of his inability to score with the wicked hot bartender chick in the movie even though she wants him (uh, that would be Elizabeth Banks of Realtor.com commercial and 40-Year Old Virgin movie bathtub shower massage scene fame), but I digress… When reached for comment, Folson’s former teammate, Norman McBride, 90, highlighted Art’s numerous other contributions, such as allowing the quarterback to start each play with the ball in his hands and proposing that two completions equaled a first down, which guided the sport through its uncertain formative years. “Of course, without Art’s suggestion that we simply throw the ball to the other team on kickoffs, pickup football teams might still be punting balls wildly out of bounds after every single touchdown. He was one of the game’s most brilliant minds, and his legacy will forever live on in the countless pickup football games played across this country every single day.” Family members confirmed that Folson will be buried in his trademark blue sweatshirt that was the first to ever be used to mark the boundary of an end zone. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Like Al Gore and Jerry Jones have famously stated on different occasions (regarding different topics), it’s not even a debate. Now that Jay Cutler is out of Shitcago and flogging the Dolphins, he will no-doubt do better this year in Miami than the Bears QB tandem of Mike Glennon (former Buccaneers backup QB) and Mitchell Turdbiscuit (#2 overall pick, dropped 50% of his snaps from the center exchange in training camp). You know I’m right. Bears fans know I’m right (even if they don’t admit it, down deep they believe it). So let’s all enjoy the Bears desperate cries for help and their claw marks at the bottom of the NFC North cellar this year (you know, like that fat chick in Silence of the Lambs). Maybe they’ll end up with the #1 overall pick next year, and get bamboozled by the 49ers into trading up to #0! At least the Bears realize that they need to have different players to get any better (as if). And they even seem to recognize specifically where they need to improve…this year in particular it’s on the Defensive line. Coach is still scratching his head, though, trying to figure out where the hell Bears personnel scouts go to identify players for their draft board... Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Big Ten Rules: The Indiana Hosers take last place all alone with the Ohio State Chestnuts taking first. The rest of us combined for an 8-2 first weekend, which establishes the Big Ten as a really good conference at beating up on lesser foes. I.E. this proves nothing. But, we were 2-2 against ranked teams. Hats off to Maryland and Michigan. Frankly the Weasels look pretty good, so it will be all the more satisfying to beat them when they come into Camp Randall undefeated and highly ranked during opening day of gun deer season. Home Opener Review: Following the agreed-upon ESPN midweek non-conference script, Bucky came out flat and lethargic in Friday’s home opener and then, like flipping a switch, ran up 59 unanswered points cruising to a 59-10 highly expected victory over the Utah State Aggies. Notably, Ted Thompson was spotted at Camp Randall in an undisguised scouting trip for Mormon talent. We beat the spread, but could have put up many more points were it not for at least eight dropped passes and turnovers in the first half. Gotta clean that up, as dropped passes killed us in big games last year. Alex Hornibrook ate over 6,000 calories a day while losing more than 6% body fat this summer in order to strengthen his presence in the pocket...and he definitely looked like the best player on the field. Troy Fumagalli is shaping up to be a top TE. Highly touted Pitt transfer, Chris James, stunk up the place with 15 yards rushing and a lost fumble. He will be seen on Bascom Hill this week carrying a football to class. No worries with the running game, though, as this is the strongest trio of backs since Ball, White & Gordon. Perhaps the most important observation of this game, though, was the new influx of undergrad female talent on display in droves at Camp Randall. This year’s group seems remarkably well seasoned in drunkitudinals and up for the challenge of our Capitol’s infamous party atomoshpere. One scholar suggested they are throwbacks to the early 1980’s when things got really wild just prior to the drinking age going up to 21 (a “law” politely ignored by teens and the Tavern League of Wisconsin for several years). Most newbees lasted well into the Friday night Jump-Around, until their undigested edamame and pregame beer bongs started sloshing around together in their summer-tanned tummies. Then it was upper-classmen to the rescue with a swift escort outside for a quick puke and open mouth make-out scene, followed by a pretend-listening session about her ex-boyfriend in high school, yadda, yadda, yadda, morning-after pill borrowed from Aunt Heather’s purse before leaving for Madison. Next Game Scouting Report: We play the Florida Atlantic Owls in another tune up game. For those who care, the Owls hail from Del Boca Vista Raton, Florida. The Owls lost their home opener to Navy 49-19 in a lightning-delayed game. Here are the top FAU players Bucky needs to worry about: 1. De’Andre Johnson, the former Florida State quarterback who was dismissed for punching a woman at a Tallahassee bar and spent last fall playing at East Mississippi Community College as one of the central characters in the Netflix docuseries Last Chance U. 2. TBD 3. TBD Prediction Wisconsin 45- FAU 13 Lane Kiffen: This guy continues his impressive career trajectory: 2007 – Head Coach Oakland Raiders 2008 – Head Coach Tennessee Vols 2010 – Head Coach – USC Trojans 2014 – OC Alabama Elephants 2017 – Head Coach – Florida Atlantic 2019 – Offensive Coordinator, Waukesha North High School Friday Night Big Ten Football: Does major conference college football belong on a Friday night? Well Yes & No. Yes, because big school college football fans can get their fix a day early, setting up Saturday’s buffet table of all-day action. Yes, because watching the University of Central FL, Eastern Michigan and San Diego State on a Friday night just doesn’t cut it. Yes, because Friday night has been a money grab waiting to happen. No, because Friday night is the turf of high school football. No, because what little TV exposure smaller colleges had on Friday night is now overshadowed by the big schools. Though DVR’s have been around for several years, joining the big school game just in time for the second half following the local high school football game is a drag—even if your team stunk up the first half of the season opener against underdog Utah State. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game When all the chicken is ate, en all the yakin’ is done, well, and when all is done being said, and is said and done, well it’s done. Ya know what I’m talking about? (Good, cuz I don’t.) Here be da facts: the Packers are 12-8 all-time vs. the SeaChickens and the home team has won in each of the last six games between the two teams. Regardless of the 3-3 record, the Packers have outscored the SeaBass by an average of 8 points…and two of the games were easily Packer victories that we urinated away (both the 2014 NFC Championship Game and the Replacement-Ref-Fail-Mary-Game in September, 2012 easily falls in the wudda, cudda, shudda won category…. But, c’est la vie, they won). Give them their due (we won’t), but clearly the Packers have had a better team over the course of franchise history and they have done nothing to change that in 2017. For all the yik-yak about the 12th Dweeb at Cemetery Dump Field, Lambeau has always held more fans and they are going to be plenty knowledgeable, loud and loaded come Sunday afternoon. Besides that, Seattle’s all-time best QB is a die-hard Packer Fan!! Dave Krieg is from Iola, WI and was the only NFL player to ever come out of Wisconsin’s Milton College. The College Board of Trustees was so upset that Krieg went to the SeaTurds that they abruptly closed the College on May 15th, 1982 (look it up)….and now you know the rest of the story. But of course old ghosts, storied histories and loud crowds may not be enough of an argument for you, the discerning reader of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!!…well then there’s this, the last time they met in Lambeau was a 38-10 blowout. Coach has somewhat hazy recall of this game as he was performing cardiologistical gymnastics on that Sunday, so both of us can enjoy this look back (try not to let Buck & Aikman nauseate you too much): 2016 Packers vs Seahawks (Click on Link) This is game is a lock at 31-17 Packers…bet the wife, kids, dog and house (maybe keep the truck as a hedge). Aside from the no-honk guaranteed final score prediction, here are some photos (with possibly embellished captions) from this week’s practice to get you fired up for Sunday … JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Since it’s Week 1 , you are no doubt reminiscing about the great home opener against the Lions back in 1998. So (of course) we must kick-off the season with a whole-hearted salute to everyone’s favorite Packers return specialist, Roell Preston! You remember the game… it was Barry Sanders’ swan song season, we had just come off of a repeat appearance in the Super Bowl (yawn), and Antonio Freeman had just caught a TD pass from Favre to go up by 12 points with only a couple ticks left in the 3rd Q. Then that evil Terry Fair from Detroit returned the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown as time expired in the quarter. Just when we thought we had the game in the bag, the dreaded Lions turned the table on us. But Roell would have none of it! On the Lions ensuing kickoff to start the 4th quarter, Preston proved that turnabout is fair play and he responded with a return for a touchdown of his own! And of course you’ll recall that Freeman caught another TD pass from Favre later in the 4th quarter for a final score 38-19 thumping of the Lions. 1998 was a Pro Bowl year for Roell Preston, but there’s more to his Packers story… In 1997, Preston was acquired after a stint with the Atlanta Falcons to replace Super Bowl XXXI MVP, Desmond Howard – who, as it turned out, chased a lucrative deal that landed him in DC. Then, after a couple of pretty terrific seasons in Green Bay, Preston was replaced in 1999 by, of all people, Desmond Howard! Again, turnabout is fair play. So why did Roell get the boot after his pro bowl year? Some say he made Holmgren nervous because of his butter fingers catching kickoffs near the goal line. Others suggested he wanted a steep pay raise. Maybe. Or maybe it was because the Packers risked having to temporarily remove him from the team roster for their November 29, 1999 road game versus the 49ers owing to an outstanding warrant for Preston’s arrest in the city of San Francisco. Either way, Howard got the job, ended up having a relatively quiet 1999 season (outshined returning kicks by the rookie running back from TCU, Basil Mitchell), and Preston ended up finishing his NFL career that same year in, of all places, San Francisco! I guess he paid the fine, and proved once again that turnabout is fair play. So, Roell Preston, we salute you. …and now we’re gonna kick the Seahawks ass!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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