Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme “I got my mojo working” exclaimed Aaron Rodgers after soundly beating the Washington Native Peoples Squad in the Wild Card opening weekend of the Super Bowl L tournament. “I knew if I just got away from ‘the old ball and chain’ for a weekend I could get my Mojo back” he continued. Celebration evidently ensued in our Nation’s capital well after the successful conclusion of last Sunday’s contest. (Click on link) Postgame Afterbar Party You saw it, the Pack finally passed the eye test. As Coach lamented from early on this season, A-Rod has just not looked like himself all year. But this weekend against the Skins finally started to look a little bit better. The crack research team here at the Coach Clarahanson studios have broken down the tape and found that AR was holding the ball on average over 3.11 seconds/snap when we were looking awful; but from the 2nd Qtr onward the ball was coming out more like 2.24 seconds on average (stats courtesy of Luppolo Sports Insights Srl). Coach was pleased to see Mr. 30, Number Kuhn in game for extended periods and not at all surprised by the positive results. And…as Coach has been calling for, JC Tretter got a shot at LT and did outstanding considering he had never taken a snap at Left Tackle in the NFL (arguably, the 2nd most difficult position to play on the Offense). The defense played pretty well, but they are still prone to majorly frustrating breakdowns, particularly when DC Legume puts them in the “Prevent Nothing” 1-4-6/1-3-7/2-3-6 formations. A great example is the 4 play 80 yard drive where the Skins jammed it down our throat for 3 plays (see also Oakland Raiders before halftime), and when Kiss'n Cousins walked into the endzone on a 7 yd QB draw (see also, Dante Culpepper, Cam Newton, Colin Kaepernick, Russell Wilson). Disgusting. Now the naysayers point out that the Oppressed Native Americans football team from the District of Columbia have not beaten a winning team this year, but Coach responds that this is still the very balanced NFL and beating anyone is an accomplishment (not to mention that the Packers came in as UNDERDOGs). Coach has watched every snap this season and truly the Skins game was the best of the year. So how can we jam it down Cardinals’ beaks? Well, playing offense quickly and with the same tempo as in DC would be a great start. Bahktiari and Shields practiced a little bit this week and who knows, maybe even Mr. January, Davante Adams, can make a go of it... …the last game against the AZZ lads looked pretty bad, and it was a blow out at 38-8, but the offense gave up 21 of those 38 points in about 6 minutes of game time. One might argue that the Offense should be expected to score more points than they give up, such was not the case in the melt down in the Desert. The defense only gave up 17 points against the NFL’s number 1 offense and if they can do that again at least it will keep the Pack in the game. Add in even a modicum of stability to the OL...a little Tretter here, a little Sitton there, and sprinkle on some Kuhn and we should have a beefy sandwich of balanced running and passing. Extract Coach Legume’s tassel from his alimentary canal and we might actually win this thing! WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like It happened again. Aaron got a D lineman's hand smacked down the front of his facemask, which wasn't flagged by the Ref's, and ended up in points for the defense. On the 2-point safety called in DC (which, BTW is another WTF for MM putting in a 1st time NFL LT, JC Tretter, without any help -- on an island backed up in our own end zone), Rodgers took a tomahawk chop down his grill before he collapsed to the ground. That should have been 15 yards forward and a 1st down, not a couple of points and a free kick to the Foreskins. Do you remember that last time we played AZ in the playoffs? On their turf, in overtime, after we demonstrated the ability to score at will throughout the 4th quarter, we get the ball right away and a Fartinals D lineman immediately rakes Aaron down the facemask - causing him to fumble the ball and it was run in for a game ending touchdown. More on that later. I realize that particular blown call WTF is getting close to reaching the statute of limitations, like taking legal action 19 years after the fact against a Penn State coaching coordinator for forcing troubled pre-teen boys to shower with him, but it applies nonetheless. So, Ref's, it’s safe to say that you've screwed the Packers more than enough already in critical games -- probably twice as much and twice as egregiously as any other NFL team in my lifetime, so keep it fair on Saturday night, will ya? (Click on link) Keep it fair, keep it fair - will ya? Oh, and you didn't think I was gonna pass up on this WTF, did ya?... It was cute that the Vikings were NFC North "champs" this year. It's like that commercial when all the teams in pee-wee football get a "participation" trophy. But let's not let the Vikings lose any perspective on who or what they really are, number 2. 💩 Vikings place kicker Blair "Scott Norwood" Walsh missed an easy WTF chip shot field goal at the end of their game versus the Seahawks, and in doing so missed their opportunity to advance to the divisional round (a.k.a. the good teams) of the playoffs. By folding under pressure the Vikings clearly segregated the good from the mediocre, the men from the boys, the wheat from the chaff, the cream from the milk, and the similes from the metaphors. I've made that same easy field goal on 100% of thousands attempts over the telephone line in my backyard in the snow and wind (and uphill) as a kid growing up. But I NEVER wore purple; which, by no coincidence, is the color of a person who is choking. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof The Vikings are a tough act to follow this week, but here goes… Robert Griffin III Cleans Out His Redskins Locker (Click on link) Have you seen the video? It’s the saddest NFL-related thing you’ll ever see. Robert Griffin III is recorded being told by Redskins management that he was traded to the Bears for Matt Forte, and RG3 was shaken to his core. As it turns out, Ashton Kutcher just Punk’d him, but what a cruel joke. Later, when told that he really wasn’t being traded to the Bears, and that he was merely being released and had to repay $20 million of his signing bonus for not being activated at least 12 games in the final year of his contract, Griffin screeched with joy and skipped out the FedEx Field locker room. In a related story, the ASPCA announced Tuesday that it is suing the Chicago Bears for feline cruelty after a study they conducted which proves that every time a Bears fan claims “the Bears will make the playoffs next year,” a kitten dies. Please Bears fans, think of the kittens. Coach was unfortunate enough to have had a layover in Chicago on a business trip this week. I walked by the "Nuts On Clark" vendor in O'Hare to get a whiff of freshly roasted legumes in terminal-F on the way to my unkept / filthy (as expected) gate. Thank God that roasted nuts smell is there to create a zone of relief in the midst of the corridor. Otherwise, that entire airport would smell like "Old Spice and Balls" from Bears fans. BTW, I observed lots our sour pusses Tuesday morning on the faces of travelers in the airport who were wearing Clemson apparel. With their downtrodden looks and orange trim, at first I thought they were just everyday Bears fans until I got a closer look -- which I had to do, because I was confused by their female fans not being gross nor obnoxiously self-centered and rude. I need to send Barry A a note to get a matchup with Clemson at Lambeau in an early September venue. ...and make lots of visitor tickets available. Just sayin. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground What an embarrassment. The Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association is one of the slowest moving, old school organisms in existence. In case you hadn’t heard, it has been reported by various media outlets this week that the state’s governing body for high school athletics has declared that chanting “U-S-A, U-S-A,” is unsportsmanlike behavior. I didn’t realize that the WIAA had become infiltrated by church ladies and soccer moms with Sociology majors. Maybe I should have put this bit in the WTF section? In their 40-page sportsmanship manual, the WIAA also directed schools to stop fans from booing or chanting “Air Ball,” “Season’s Over,” “Fundamentals,” “Scoreboard,” and “Over-Rated.” They also took issue with the “Na Na Na Na – Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” song. They called it “taunting and disrespectful.” Why do I get the impression that none of these Tools in the WIAA have ever actually PLAYED in sports? I blame ISIS. What’s next… No quarters in the basement when your parents are out for fish fry? …No more heavy petting behind the bleachers? Why even go to high school anymore? Wait a minute, isn’t their “sportsMANship” manual using a sexist term? The WIAA will probably apologize for that next year, raise athletic fees, and change the name to “sports-particapantship” manual. And the following year, they’ll apologize for their publication being called a “MANual.” Thank goodness a common sense high school basketball player, who just so happens to be an honor’s student and girls basketball standout at Hilbert High School, was “Forward” enough to suggested to the WIAA that they should (putting this delicately) “eat excrement.” Good for you, young lady! I expect good things from you in college. Coach couldn’t think of a good segue for these downloads from my phone, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless… We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Obviously Coach is very intelligent, he’s a Packer Fan. He also finds amusement in the little things in life. You know, like John Kerry praising “Lambert Field” during the 2004 U.S. Presidential Campaign (Click on link) "La-la-la-la-Lambert!" and other things like the Packers subversively naming their new Restaurant at Lambert Field “1919”……a direct middle finger to the NFL (while the Packers were formed in 1919, they joined the NFL in 1921, so all officially licensed NFL gear with a year on is required to say “1921” by NFL edict). So Coach started to contemplate the “amazement” that all four road teams won in the Wild Card round. He got his pen out of his pocket protector and pulled the old slide rule out of the desk to mull things over. After deep reflection, Coach realized that the team with the most points usually wins the games. And, over the course of a season, the more a team scores versus the amount they yield to an opponent might actually be an indicator of how good your team is. I know I’m going fast – especially for FIB’s, so you may want to re-read that last part to ensure that you are following here… …and we have a lot of Packer fans talking about the “Road Warriors” in 2010, so Coach thought he should do a little scoring analysis on the 2010 Season. To help refresh your memory, Coach has included the playoff picks of a delusional Bear fan to help “re-visualize the excitement” of 2010. Naturally, the Bears suck and they got killed at Soldiers Fields by the Pack ... with full Coach entourage in attendance to take glee in FIB carnage followed by a full-on Ozzy Osbourne Alamo-style urination on the outskirts of that cesspool of a stadium, followed by celebratory merriment to the tune of three different renditions of “the Bears Still Suck!” in a great Lincoln Park Packer’s Bar. But that amazing memory is not part of this rant. No, the point of this rant is that the Pack was not lucky, there were damn good. In the table below are the playoff seedings, the Regular Season W/L records and Regular Season Total Point Differentials for all 12 Teams in the Super Bowl XLV Tournament (Pt Differential is: Points Scored less Points Allowed for the Season). As you can see below, across all 11 games in the SB Tournament, the Club with the highest Pt Diff won 9 of the games…or 4 out 5 (82%) of the games. The Packers had the 2nd highest Pt Diff in the whole league behind NE. So, was the Pack lucky to win the SB? No, they were unlucky to have only won 10 games during the Regular Season. They were damn good the whole year and deserved to win the SB. So is it different this year? Well, “no” and “I hope so”. “No,” meaning that the team with the highest Regular Season Pt. Differential won 3 of the 4 games this past weekend (75%). They happened to be the road teams, but they also happened to be the better team and 75% looks a lot like the “norm” of 4 out 5 SB Tournament games going to the better team (and while Pittsburgh was an exception, they had some terrible games mid-year while Big Ben was recovering from injury inflicted by a feisty rape victim, or they arguably would have had a better PT Differential with him on the field). Now for the “I hope so” part. It is different this year and we need to be one of the “20%” that breaks the rule. Unlike 2010, the 2015 Packers have one of the lowest Regular Season Pt. Differentials this year and are only just ahead of the Washington Foreskins and Houston Tampons. So, does this mean we can’t win? Heck no! ARod, the Claymaker and Eminem take John Blutarski’s words wisdom to heart in playoff time: "Nothing is over until WE decide it is!" Let’s ponder a bit of history, the second ever playoff meeting between the Cards and the Pack was in 2009 and was also A-Rod’s first playoff start. Unfortunately, he threw an interception on his first pass on the way to an early 17-0 lead for the Cards. The Packers rallied back and sent the game into OT by tying it at 45 late in the game. In a harbinger of many heartbreaking losses to come, the Fartinals won in overtime on consecutive jobbings by the Ref’s, as alluded to earlier. On the penultimate play, AR was mugged after releasing a pass -- but no flag was thrown... Rodgers was hit by cornerback Michael Adams on a blitz, and he fumble-kicked the ball to Karlos Dansby, who scored from 17 yards out to end the game, 51-45. Hmmm, maybe we coulda won that after all... (Click on link) The team we are playing this weekend has long has been a train wreck from the start; they were the Morgan Athletic Club, the Normals, the Racine Cardinals, the Chicago Cardinals, the Phoenix Cardinals end eventually the Arizona Cardinals. Now it’s time for the Green & Gold to Pack the AZZ Cards. JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Asked to comment on the Packers 10-6 regular season record and the playoff win against the Redskins, former Defensive End and Packer Hall of Famer Ezra 'Hot Dogs On the Bench!' Johnson commented “Huh?” “Oh yeah, we’re doing pretty good. Never made the playoffs while I was playing except for that one time in ’82 when we beat the St. Louis Cardinals. We should do real good, I never thought they had much of a f*c&ng club anyway…never had their heads in the game. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.” Adding credence to Ezra’s questions about the Cards was a photo released this week that shows the Cardinal’s preparing intensely for this weekend’s playoff game. A couple of the fellows seen here are rocking Village People facial hair and flipping their bats in the locker room while fantasizing, presumably, about baseball. This begs many questions…. Well Ezra, c’est la vie.
PS If necessary, let me apologize in advance for any typos -- I did not proofread this week’s content as I typed it hurriedly while watching Fox fox Megyn Kelly (so I was kind of distracted). Even when talking about Syrian refugees she can be wicked hot. Scha-wing.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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