Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Well, kids, it’s the end of the summer... Time for football and back to school! Congrats to the winner of Coach's "Hottest chick that's been in a lot of movies I've seen lately" contest: Geoffrey Beernsten from Manitowoc! For correctly guessing Charlize Theron, Geoffrey wins an autographed Harlan Huckleby rookie card and a complementary tour for up to 4 people at the Point Beach nuclear plant with an all-access pass to the last 2 operating power reactors in Wisconsin! Charlize Theron has been in the last 3 movies that I’ve watched without me saying “This movie sucks”…and that was mainly because she was in them. The Italian Job was recently on TBS (a very cool remake of the 1968 classic starring Mark Wahlberg and Ed Norton, in which Charlize plays the hottest cable repair technician on the planet), then I On-Demanded Fate of the Furious 8 starring Vin Diesel and Duane "The Rock" Johnson (who, BTW, is running for President) one Saturday morning last month with my kid to see her as the hot villainess “Cipher”, and finally she was very recently in the theaters again as a hottie-hot-hottie for the action thriller Atomic Blonde. In case I forgot to mention it, Charlize Theron is pretty hot. …Sort of a 2017 version of a cross between Sharon Stone and Bo Derek. She's not a perfect ten, but that's nothing a little silicone augmentation can't fix. I bet she busts ’em out next year when her 1st facial wrinkles start to show in High Def. Let’s just hope she doesn’t also do that trout mouth thing. But let’s keep’er movin’... Next week’s contest is “Best real name that is probably spelled wrong” (sorry, Geoffrey, you are only allowed to win one contest per year). Now, on to football! Before we shift gears into the technical stuff for the upcoming season, let’s take one last look back at last year's top NFL players (Click on Link). Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Wow, who said Ted Thompson was dead? There have been more roster moves this offseason than Bayer has pills. If this is a result of eliminating the 75-man cut down, then Coach says bring it on! In fact, the real question that comes to mind is why do we have all of these goofy roster numbers and cut down days anyway? How do you mix player-safety, adding more games, reducing pre-season games and building the “NFL Shield”? More on that in the upcoming weeks, but suffice it to say that Coach likes it when I get to evaluate all 90 of their players sufficiently over the course of the entire preseason in order to more judiciously fill your last few roster spots (#kurtwarner). Still, though, despite my misuse of the first, second and third person, it’s got to be tough to deliver the bad news to the guys that you do end up letting go. Ted almost hired the Beloit Bad-News Barbershop Quintet this year, but it turns out they already had a gig booked at Bellin last Monday (Click on Link). So, recappping the offseason for you: The Offense is exactly the same as last year (only different): Rodgers is still the QB and Martellus Bennet replaced Jared Cook at TE (and they signed Lance Kendricks, which will limit Cobb’s touches and yes of course TJ Lang is gone and we started the year with 10 OL and now Barclay is on IR-designated-to-return and we had a half-a-dozen-no-name-running-backs in camp and a couple made the roster, blah, blah, blah). If I’m going to fast, just ask me to repeat. The Offense will be good, The OL depth is shallow, but Murphy looks like a decent backup tackle and McCarthy’s man-crush, “Dawny” Barclay, should be back around Week 10. As loyal readers know all too well, the year-in-and-year-out Achilles Heel of the Packers has been the Defense, led by Coaches favorite Coach, the Big Legume. Hear it here first: Defense Wins Championships (if you are unsure about this primordial fact of life, look back to 2016 episodes of The Show!!! where Coach lays it out)… Capers’ strategy will be tested and contrasted in Week 1 versus the Seahacks (who invested heavily on the D-line this offseason in order to pass rush QB’s so they hurriedly throw into a roaming Cam Chancellor out on the open grid iron range). Conversely, Ted and Dom went heavy on the D-backs knowing that our D-line will never generate a pass rush and our MLB’s will rarely stop a runner. Adding to Coach’s concern is the predictably complex D that the Big Legume unleashes on athletes new to his system. There have been so many changes made to the Defensive roster this year that you need, well, a roster, to keep track of them all. Let’s face it, Capers’ D formations rarely work as intended … like those sensors on faucets that are supposed to automatically dispense hand soap and turn on the water -- only it never does, until you walk away or it only works for some other dude. Don't even get me started on those toilets that autoflush "only when you step away from the toilet"...but I digress… There are two very different things to notice this year: One ---- Ted actually signed 4 decent free agents! To be fair, they are all experienced (that’s a politically correct way to say “old”) and could end up looking like the Hardy Nickerson fan club by Week 6, but at least they all are big, fast, have recorded statistics from NFL games and understand the theory of the 3-4 Defense. Two ---- The free agents are all in the Front 7 on D. Much has been made of our inability to cover Atlanta’s receiver’s in the 2016 NFC Championship game. While it’s true that we struggled even finding guys to line-up in the defensive backfield, the reality is that we were getting no pressure on Matty Rice and he had all day to throw. In that situation any/all DB’s look bad. Buckle up kids, you are going to being hearing lots of noise about Okie & Nitro packages where the genius Legume lines up small fast guys in place of Line Backers, and of course he will continue to insert LB’s where there should be Defensive Linemen. But don’t be deceived, the game will be won and lost in Green Bay as it always has, by guys smashing into each other at the line of scrimmage. Coach is very excited about the talent on this Defense and I argue that we have better quality depth in the Front 7 than we’ve had since the 1997 Season (Coach’s 4th Grade Teacher, Mrs. Miller, would probably be bothered by the constant switching between first, second and third person and singular to plural in this blog – not to mention the run-on sentences, but fortunately none of you were English majors so I will just carry on). With only one week on the roster Ahmad Brooks, Chris Odom and Quinton Dial may not even be active for the SeaCrappers game, but one can only hope. Note that FickFackFuckerelle is actually listed as 2nd Team on the GBP website, but we all know that he’s only on the Team because Ted won’t admit he blew it on a 3rd rounder last year. Shoot, he may not even be Mormon! Coach will help you understand this team in the coming weeks and hopefully be explaining why Ted is a genius for finally putting together a decent Defensive Roster… and not lamenting that my Packer dress shoes were scuffed as they passed through my TV screen while muttering “Fire Capers.” ADVERTISEMENT-First, MetalFit helped your feet feel energized with our legendary copper infused stockings. Then we addressed your knee and elbow pain with elastic sleeves to cover those joints. We’ve even developed shoe inserts and back supports to relieve every day muscle aches and pains. And now, were proud to announce the launch of our newest innovation, the Lead-Head band! The MetalFit Lead-Head band is specifically designed to restore cognitive dysfunctions stemming from concussion trauma. Our researchers remain on the cutting edge of restorative health, ensuring athletes can rebound quickly from almost any degenerative conditions that result from physical activity. So whether you’re a weekend jogger, or a former NFL quarterback like Brett Favre, MetalFit has a product for you! WTF - The Coach's take on football news that’s messed up Now Coach iz no softee, ya know, but once in er while I seez a good deed in da worlda football and I cant’s let it go unnoticed. Sher, dis sorta ting isn’t ezactly new, but it’ll still warm yer heart when youse see it and -- cuz it’s football, it’s dat much better. Special tanx to da Western States Youth 7-on-7 Football League in cooperation wit da Grant-A-Wish Foundation for OK’ing dis idea to start da contest, and kudos to da Utah Whites and L.A. Traffic fer agreeing beforehand to begin da game with a lifelong memory for little Tommy Douglas of Montecito, California, en so? (Click on Link) Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed late Wednesday morning that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94 in his hometown of Chattanooga, Tennessee. Art was a true visionary, and his innovative idea to prohibit defenders from rushing the quarterback until they said “Mississippi” five times succeeded in increasing scoring and encouraged the development of more complex defenses. He was the Roger Ailes, or – dare I say, the George Washington, of neighborhood football. Without him, there would be no Vince Papale (well, there would be, but Vince wouldn’t have ever played backlot football and famously become a Philadelphia Eagle and they never would’ve made the movie “Invincible” about him starring Mark Wahlberg, so there wouldn’t be cool shots of Marky Mark taking a sunset walk to the soothing melodic sounds of Jackson Brown circa 1976 while “Vince” contemplates his regrets of love lost with his C-U-Next-Thursday wife that left him, nor would there be the frustrating scenes of his inability to score with the wicked hot bartender chick in the movie even though she wants him (uh, that would be Elizabeth Banks of Realtor.com commercial and 40-Year Old Virgin movie bathtub shower massage scene fame), but I digress… When reached for comment, Folson’s former teammate, Norman McBride, 90, highlighted Art’s numerous other contributions, such as allowing the quarterback to start each play with the ball in his hands and proposing that two completions equaled a first down, which guided the sport through its uncertain formative years. “Of course, without Art’s suggestion that we simply throw the ball to the other team on kickoffs, pickup football teams might still be punting balls wildly out of bounds after every single touchdown. He was one of the game’s most brilliant minds, and his legacy will forever live on in the countless pickup football games played across this country every single day.” Family members confirmed that Folson will be buried in his trademark blue sweatshirt that was the first to ever be used to mark the boundary of an end zone. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Like Al Gore and Jerry Jones have famously stated on different occasions (regarding different topics), it’s not even a debate. Now that Jay Cutler is out of Shitcago and flogging the Dolphins, he will no-doubt do better this year in Miami than the Bears QB tandem of Mike Glennon (former Buccaneers backup QB) and Mitchell Turdbiscuit (#2 overall pick, dropped 50% of his snaps from the center exchange in training camp). You know I’m right. Bears fans know I’m right (even if they don’t admit it, down deep they believe it). So let’s all enjoy the Bears desperate cries for help and their claw marks at the bottom of the NFC North cellar this year (you know, like that fat chick in Silence of the Lambs). Maybe they’ll end up with the #1 overall pick next year, and get bamboozled by the 49ers into trading up to #0! At least the Bears realize that they need to have different players to get any better (as if). And they even seem to recognize specifically where they need to improve…this year in particular it’s on the Defensive line. Coach is still scratching his head, though, trying to figure out where the hell Bears personnel scouts go to identify players for their draft board... Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Big Ten Rules: The Indiana Hosers take last place all alone with the Ohio State Chestnuts taking first. The rest of us combined for an 8-2 first weekend, which establishes the Big Ten as a really good conference at beating up on lesser foes. I.E. this proves nothing. But, we were 2-2 against ranked teams. Hats off to Maryland and Michigan. Frankly the Weasels look pretty good, so it will be all the more satisfying to beat them when they come into Camp Randall undefeated and highly ranked during opening day of gun deer season. Home Opener Review: Following the agreed-upon ESPN midweek non-conference script, Bucky came out flat and lethargic in Friday’s home opener and then, like flipping a switch, ran up 59 unanswered points cruising to a 59-10 highly expected victory over the Utah State Aggies. Notably, Ted Thompson was spotted at Camp Randall in an undisguised scouting trip for Mormon talent. We beat the spread, but could have put up many more points were it not for at least eight dropped passes and turnovers in the first half. Gotta clean that up, as dropped passes killed us in big games last year. Alex Hornibrook ate over 6,000 calories a day while losing more than 6% body fat this summer in order to strengthen his presence in the pocket...and he definitely looked like the best player on the field. Troy Fumagalli is shaping up to be a top TE. Highly touted Pitt transfer, Chris James, stunk up the place with 15 yards rushing and a lost fumble. He will be seen on Bascom Hill this week carrying a football to class. No worries with the running game, though, as this is the strongest trio of backs since Ball, White & Gordon. Perhaps the most important observation of this game, though, was the new influx of undergrad female talent on display in droves at Camp Randall. This year’s group seems remarkably well seasoned in drunkitudinals and up for the challenge of our Capitol’s infamous party atomoshpere. One scholar suggested they are throwbacks to the early 1980’s when things got really wild just prior to the drinking age going up to 21 (a “law” politely ignored by teens and the Tavern League of Wisconsin for several years). Most newbees lasted well into the Friday night Jump-Around, until their undigested edamame and pregame beer bongs started sloshing around together in their summer-tanned tummies. Then it was upper-classmen to the rescue with a swift escort outside for a quick puke and open mouth make-out scene, followed by a pretend-listening session about her ex-boyfriend in high school, yadda, yadda, yadda, morning-after pill borrowed from Aunt Heather’s purse before leaving for Madison. Next Game Scouting Report: We play the Florida Atlantic Owls in another tune up game. For those who care, the Owls hail from Del Boca Vista Raton, Florida. The Owls lost their home opener to Navy 49-19 in a lightning-delayed game. Here are the top FAU players Bucky needs to worry about: 1. De’Andre Johnson, the former Florida State quarterback who was dismissed for punching a woman at a Tallahassee bar and spent last fall playing at East Mississippi Community College as one of the central characters in the Netflix docuseries Last Chance U. 2. TBD 3. TBD Prediction Wisconsin 45- FAU 13 Lane Kiffen: This guy continues his impressive career trajectory: 2007 – Head Coach Oakland Raiders 2008 – Head Coach Tennessee Vols 2010 – Head Coach – USC Trojans 2014 – OC Alabama Elephants 2017 – Head Coach – Florida Atlantic 2019 – Offensive Coordinator, Waukesha North High School Friday Night Big Ten Football: Does major conference college football belong on a Friday night? Well Yes & No. Yes, because big school college football fans can get their fix a day early, setting up Saturday’s buffet table of all-day action. Yes, because watching the University of Central FL, Eastern Michigan and San Diego State on a Friday night just doesn’t cut it. Yes, because Friday night has been a money grab waiting to happen. No, because Friday night is the turf of high school football. No, because what little TV exposure smaller colleges had on Friday night is now overshadowed by the big schools. Though DVR’s have been around for several years, joining the big school game just in time for the second half following the local high school football game is a drag—even if your team stunk up the first half of the season opener against underdog Utah State. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game When all the chicken is ate, en all the yakin’ is done, well, and when all is done being said, and is said and done, well it’s done. Ya know what I’m talking about? (Good, cuz I don’t.) Here be da facts: the Packers are 12-8 all-time vs. the SeaChickens and the home team has won in each of the last six games between the two teams. Regardless of the 3-3 record, the Packers have outscored the SeaBass by an average of 8 points…and two of the games were easily Packer victories that we urinated away (both the 2014 NFC Championship Game and the Replacement-Ref-Fail-Mary-Game in September, 2012 easily falls in the wudda, cudda, shudda won category…. But, c’est la vie, they won). Give them their due (we won’t), but clearly the Packers have had a better team over the course of franchise history and they have done nothing to change that in 2017. For all the yik-yak about the 12th Dweeb at Cemetery Dump Field, Lambeau has always held more fans and they are going to be plenty knowledgeable, loud and loaded come Sunday afternoon. Besides that, Seattle’s all-time best QB is a die-hard Packer Fan!! Dave Krieg is from Iola, WI and was the only NFL player to ever come out of Wisconsin’s Milton College. The College Board of Trustees was so upset that Krieg went to the SeaTurds that they abruptly closed the College on May 15th, 1982 (look it up)….and now you know the rest of the story. But of course old ghosts, storied histories and loud crowds may not be enough of an argument for you, the discerning reader of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!!…well then there’s this, the last time they met in Lambeau was a 38-10 blowout. Coach has somewhat hazy recall of this game as he was performing cardiologistical gymnastics on that Sunday, so both of us can enjoy this look back (try not to let Buck & Aikman nauseate you too much): 2016 Packers vs Seahawks (Click on Link) This is game is a lock at 31-17 Packers…bet the wife, kids, dog and house (maybe keep the truck as a hedge). Aside from the no-honk guaranteed final score prediction, here are some photos (with possibly embellished captions) from this week’s practice to get you fired up for Sunday … JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Since it’s Week 1 , you are no doubt reminiscing about the great home opener against the Lions back in 1998. So (of course) we must kick-off the season with a whole-hearted salute to everyone’s favorite Packers return specialist, Roell Preston! You remember the game… it was Barry Sanders’ swan song season, we had just come off of a repeat appearance in the Super Bowl (yawn), and Antonio Freeman had just caught a TD pass from Favre to go up by 12 points with only a couple ticks left in the 3rd Q. Then that evil Terry Fair from Detroit returned the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown as time expired in the quarter. Just when we thought we had the game in the bag, the dreaded Lions turned the table on us. But Roell would have none of it! On the Lions ensuing kickoff to start the 4th quarter, Preston proved that turnabout is fair play and he responded with a return for a touchdown of his own! And of course you’ll recall that Freeman caught another TD pass from Favre later in the 4th quarter for a final score 38-19 thumping of the Lions. 1998 was a Pro Bowl year for Roell Preston, but there’s more to his Packers story… In 1997, Preston was acquired after a stint with the Atlanta Falcons to replace Super Bowl XXXI MVP, Desmond Howard – who, as it turned out, chased a lucrative deal that landed him in DC. Then, after a couple of pretty terrific seasons in Green Bay, Preston was replaced in 1999 by, of all people, Desmond Howard! Again, turnabout is fair play. So why did Roell get the boot after his pro bowl year? Some say he made Holmgren nervous because of his butter fingers catching kickoffs near the goal line. Others suggested he wanted a steep pay raise. Maybe. Or maybe it was because the Packers risked having to temporarily remove him from the team roster for their November 29, 1999 road game versus the 49ers owing to an outstanding warrant for Preston’s arrest in the city of San Francisco. Either way, Howard got the job, ended up having a relatively quiet 1999 season (outshined returning kicks by the rookie running back from TCU, Basil Mitchell), and Preston ended up finishing his NFL career that same year in, of all places, San Francisco! I guess he paid the fine, and proved once again that turnabout is fair play. So, Roell Preston, we salute you. …and now we’re gonna kick the Seahawks ass!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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