Welcome back to the Coach Clarahanson show! This is a big weekend - 1st place in the NFC North is up for grabs, and it's opening weekend of gun season for deer hunting in Wisconsin! If your son is old enough, take him hunting and teach him about family traditions, camaraderie, and respecting nature. If he's still just a little guy, you can always hit him with a switch like Adrian Peterson. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme The Lions game has been dissected ad nauseam in every media outlet imaginable. And all of it boils down to a few simple observations:
(Well, we were “Top 15” until we gave up a 104 yd 2nd half kickoff return that ultimately was the deciding score after Crosby shanked a potential game winner at the end) We have a defense that plays well once-in-a-while, isn’t that enough? NO No kids, for the Packers above average ST and average Defense are not enough. The Packers are a team that orbits around Aaron Rodgers. Coach can summarize by borrowing an old Russian proverb: “Good Czar, Good Times; Bad Czar, Bad Times” “Rodgers Good, Packers Good; Rodgers Bad, Packers Bad” Ultimately we lost the Lions game because Aaron has the yips. Badger fans understand this problem, having lived through it last year with Joel Stave. MM put out a political leak that Rodgers has a “minor right shoulder injury, nothing to be concerned about” but that’s just window dressing for calling your quarterback a pussy. Doubt that he has the yips? Then explain the ball that bounced off the turf to Kuhn on a 5 yard dump-off, regularly moving past wide-open receivers in his progression and 9 straight possessions that ended in punts after the opening drive, while going 35 of 61 (tying Brett’s record number of attempts in the Monday Night Football Overtime Thriller against SF in Oct 1996). McCarthy got close to calling out AR, but ultimately limited himself to saying “That's something that we have to get corrected because if we have something that continues to happen over and over again, obviously it's my position, I need to make a change. But I think emphasizing the things that we can do better is my focus, and that's what we're going to work on as we hit the practice week." Huh, WTF did that mean? Tolzien time? Coach highly doubts MM will do it, but Mr. P. Manning was shown the bench in Denver. Just Saying. WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like This week’s WTF is that we lost to the Lions at home. It’s not like they are good this year. It’s not like we’ve lacked home field advantage. It’s not like the defense can’t stop Matthew Stafford. Sure the special teams gave up 1 long return, but they also did recover an odd-side kick and the Lions kicker missed 2 extra points. So, WTF? I’ll tell you WTF … It is clearly the demise of the recently best QB in the NFL, Aaron Rodgers. I noticed Aaron was “off” a little in the preseason, but just wrote it off to it being the preseason. Then he had that great game against the NFC Champ (but little-known at the time, fledgling) Seattle Seahawks team and the elite media pundits were calling him the Michael Jordon of the NFL. But now we know that isn’t true. What the hell is wrong with Aaron Rodgers? Put an 8 on him and he’s the 2nd coming of Anthony Dilweg. He can’t hit wide open guys; either over throwing them on go routes or underthrowing them on routes underneath. Shoot, he even muffed a shuttle pass to Starks on Sunday! He’s running from phantom rushers. He’s not beating the blitz like he used to. WTF? Well sports fans, Coach knows what’s going on here. I was hoping I was wrong, but I can’t turn a blind eye to what’s really happening any longer – and neither can the rest of Packer nation. Aaron’s lost his mojo, and Olivia Munn has to go (she can stay at my house). Aaron’s clearly got baby batter on the brain, blocking the flow of blood north of his neck, and he can’t focus on what’s really important for the Packers and their fans – winning any big game. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p3j294sqM8 Think about when the greatest of the greats were at the top of their game: Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, Kobe Bryant, etc.. What kept them consistently great was all the trim that they got on the side while riding high in their sports, too. There’s a reason it’s called being high and dry. It releases the stress that can build up from having a serious relationship. Defense wins championships and blue balls prevent them. What brought these pillars of their profession down was when they got called out. But being in a monogamous relationship is the worst possible stress scenario for a world class athlete. It distracts them with jealous thoughts like, “Why is she smiling at Jeff Janis?” One guy that never slowed down on or off the court was Wilt "the Stilt" Chamberlain. This all-time NBA great claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women. Think about it … you haven’t pee’d that much! That is why he, and all the other great ones, had consistent success at the highest level. We need to get Aaron to tap as many kegs as he can as soon as possible before we find ourselves looking up at a longshot to get a wildcard birth. It shouldn’t be that hard. It’s not like he looks like Mark Rypien or Jim Plunkett. Olivia, you’re hot – you might even be a nice person, but I’m sorry … you’ve got to go. We need Aaron’s mojo back. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof “You Packer fans think the Packers are soooo great, but the Bears won on Sunday and the Packer lost to the Lions. Ha Ha!” We lost because of the Bears you dork FIB’s. Evil genius. Mike Ditka is an evil genius. Anything associated with the Bears equates to losing. So what does evil genius Mike Ditka do (when he’s not pushing his flatulence in Chris Carter’s face on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown)? He puts on a Packer sweater. Genius. Ever since that fateful McDonalds commercial came out almost 4 weeks ago, the Packers have not won a game. Coincidence? I think not. No way the Lions -- the worst team in the league -- are gonna win in Green Bay after losing 24 straight when visiting the Pack ... unless(?) ... down is up, or left is right, or candy is inexpensive at movie theaters, or France declares war, or Mike Ditka roots for the Packers. So, my theory is that his wearing of the sweater has a painful, but likely limited, effect on the Packers. They lose all games until they meet the Bears in Lambeau, beat the Bears and retire Favre’s number, and the curse is lifted. Let’s just hope Jerry Rice’s curse on the Cowboys lasts for several more years. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground So "Quaecumque Sunt Vera” yous guys! Finally, Bucky has a worthy opponent this week in Northwestern. Both teams are kind of good. Notable wins for the Mildcats this year are, Stanford in a surprise opening day win and….ohh, I guess that’s it. The rest of the wins have been expected. The Purple Haze has lost to Michigan in a game they woulda, shoulda, coulda won. They were basically spanked by Iowa at home. The Badgers woulda, shoulda, coulda beat Iowa at home had Stave not been stepped on by a big fat lineman or maybe if stone hands Wheelwright at not dropped so many passes. We have no signature wins like NW does with Stanford, unless you call the squeaker against paltry Nebraska a big win. The teams are ranked 20 and 21 which helps confirm they are kind of good, if you believe the rankings, which we do not. So, by this intense in-depth analysis, this is shaping up to be a doozy of a game. The game coulda been for all the marbles in the west division, but it is not. Even so, look for a very evenly matched game. The way things are shaping up, this game is really for pride only. Chances are Iowa and tOSU will go to BCS bowl games. Over rated Michigan will go to one Florida Bowl game and Michigan State will go to the other. That leaves slim pickins for any other kind of good team. Of course MSU could beat Ohio State and Michigan will almost certainly lose to the Brown Nuts. That could open the door for another trip to sunny Central Florida for the winner of Saturday’ game. We kind of doubt that will happen. The Badger-Wildcat outing is always fun and the purple love coming to Madison. We have tailgating and bars. One forgettable moment is chronicled in this vintage YouTube video from the infamous 1996, “take a friggin’ knee” game. Barry, usually pretty level headed, showed the decision making skills of Brent Bile-Enema that day. Lee Corso beat up Barry over that decision at every opportunity for a couple of years, which had to have negatively impacted Wisconsin recruiting and unofficially led to a karma induced stroke for Lee. On the positive, we did something very comparable to the Mildcats at Evanston the following year. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0-FdQZ57w The home team has won this game for the last several years. WI always had the better team, losing tough games there and blowing them out at Madison. Corey Clement is questionable, which could be a real bummer. Both teams have good defenses, padding their stats against bad offenses. With Clement, we win this game comfortably. Without him, I still think we win a grinder. Traylor is also questionable. His return would have a significant positive impact, giving us two good pass catching TE’s. Hoping Chryst doesn’t wait until halftime to make adjustments if Stave is taking hits like Rhonda Rousey or Aaron Rodgers. Notice how Paul Chryst can call a better offensive game than the Packers with no deep threats, a much lesser OL, and a much lesser QB? Juuuuust sayin. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game If you’re a smart deer hunter, you won’t come out of your tree stand before it's dark on Sunday afternoon. You’ll wait until all the impatient posers get up from their stands to go watch the 3:25pm kick-off / touchback and the subsequent 14 erectile-dysfunction commercials before a real play is even run, thereby allowing those donners of the blaze orange to kick da turdy pointer right to ya. You’ll have an earbud in your left ear so you can listen to Wayne and Larry talk about the quaint setting of the U of M football stadium that the Queens in until the new dome is built, and how cold it is to play outside in Minnesota, and that the stadium runs east-west instead of north-south and crap like that, and wishing you HAD put those toe warmers in your boots. So, all that being said, what do we need to do to lay the hurt on the purple child beaters this Sunday? Coach thinks it comes down to this:
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them I'm not gonna say how old I am, but mathematically-gifted Packer fans might be able to figure this one out... So I'm in my "x"-and-older flag football league (a.k.a. "Let's go suck beer every Tuesday night this summer, and since it's a city-endorsed, local-tavern-sponsored intramural sports team, we're seriously committing to each other for real to show up each week, and not only that but our wife's won't bitch too bad because they think we need some exercise anyways" league), and we’re actually not too bad so we enter a regional tournament to extend our drinking rights onto a weekend in a city far away from our families (which gives us carte blanche to crap and/or throw up violently in a bathroom that we don't have to clean up later, even if it looks like a homicide occurred)... …And there's this one team that shows up with a Ringer. I mean this guy is throwing footballs like he's firing bullets from an A-Bolt; highly accurate and extremely fast. He's got a completely silver top buzz cut, is tall and built like a brick sh!#house -- solid, like a real city fireman or something (not an overweight rural volunteer firefighter that does it for the extra cash, and just so happens to also be a pretty good cook so the guys at the firehouse like having him around once and a while). So I ask the guy "Were you like a Division I QB in college or something?" and he's like, "Played a little pro ball, actually." And I was like "Really? That's so cool! Who'd you play for?" And then he says "The Packers". And I'm thinking to myself ... bullsh!# -- I know every Packer QB from Rich Campbell to BJ Coleman, and I certainly would know a GOOD Packer quarterback when I saw one. So I says "Oh yeah, then I know you ... what's your name?" He shook his head and walked away. So I looked at the game roster for both teams. Mutherf*<<3r! TJ Freaking Rubley. An Iowa first team all-stater, proud product of Davenport West HS and the University of Tulsa, Theron Joseph (TJ) Rubley was the 228th pick of the 1992 Draft, selected in the 9th round by the LA Rams. After spending the ’92 season on the bench, TJ started 7 games for the Rams during the ’93 season. By 1995 he was the Packers 3rd Stringer behind Brett Favre and Ty Detmer.
Rubley earned his place in Packer lore almost 20 years ago to the day, November 5th, 1995 inside one of the worst stadiums in the history of the League, the Humpty Dump (respect to Digital Underground, who Coach loves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y38Ec57yMG8). The 5-3 Packers were on the rise with Brett and Reggie and were favored over the 3-5 Vikings. During a very physical first half Brett went 14 for 20 before severely spraining his his ankle in the second quarter. He subsequently threw 2 third quarter picks and Coach Holmgren had no choice but to retire him for the day. Back up Ty Detmer performed admirably, tying the game at 24 on a two-point conversion to Chewy, but he broke a finger and had to take a seat next to Brett. On trotted Theron Joseph in the 4th Quarter, who promptly fumbled the first snap from center Franky “bag-o’-donuts” Winters. The faithful were nervous about the game slipping away, but LeRoy Butler stripped the ball from Queens RB James Stewart and George Teague Recovered. TJ did pretty well and completed on 4 of 5 to get the Packers down to 3rd & 1 on the Queens 38 yard line, tied 24-24, with about a minute left in the game……and then it happened. The entire football watching world new that the Packers would run on 3rd and 1; well, all knew that except for the Viqueens. The Packers lined-up 4-wide with a RB and Queens responded with 6 in the box and lined up 5 in coverage. Holmgren had called a QB sneak, a perfect play against the Viqueens D, which would either get the 1st down or set up for a manageable 55 yard FG to win the game in the Dump. But, TJ Freaking Rubley decided he would be a hero and audibles to a pass play. The entire team new it was a mistake and Bag-O-Donuts himself even tried (unsuccessfully) to call a timeout before the snap. Rubly threw a weak cross-body-throw, late, down-the-middle in the direction of a heavily covered Antonio Freeman and you guessed it, the ball was intercepted. Warren Moon took over and moved the Queens into FG range and they kicked a game winner with only a couple of ticks left on the clock. Holmgren cut Rubley the next day and he was not even allowed on the team plane for the ride home. Fast forward to the end of the season and we have to play in Dallas (again) for the NFC Championship game. You know the rest. That was Rubley’s last minute of being on an NFL roster, but interestingly TJ Freaking Rubley did find Eurosuccess with the Rhein Fire and the Hamilton Tiger-Cats before his career highlight of playing QB Coach to Keanu Reaves (who can’t throw a football in real life, BTW) in the movie The Replacements (not the Stinson brothers band of the same name -- who, ironically, are from Minneapolis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMRUszqMVM8). But who know where TJ is now, and Coach digresses... Of more importance is what the heavily injured Favre did to the Wanstadt coached Bears the following week and Coach will discuss that another time (perhaps, in foreshadowing fashion, before the Bears game?). So, this week instead of our regular loyal and heartfelt “sa-lute” to former Packer great we say, TJ, go FIND yourself.
1 Comment
Randy
11/22/2015 10:22:18 am
good job great reading
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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