Welcome back to the Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Well, I hope you had a Merry Christmas. Just like you guys, Coach woke up and found a brand new Lexus sitting in his driveway with a large red bow on top of it (yawn). Just once I wish there were some carolers singing outside on my porch to hand me a Coke. Maybe next year. Congrats to last week's "Name That MILF" contest winner, Emery Klauth from Hortonville, who correctly guessed Heidi Klum! For his clever deduction and distressing level of testosterone, Emery wins 18-holes of golf at Fox Mounds in Tisch Mills with former 49ers and Packers Super Bowl champion, and My Brother's Keeper founder, Harry Sydney's gardener, Horacio Ybarra (cart not included). Nice going, Emery! For the rest of you, don’t forget there's only 1 week left to submit your choice for the Worst 80's Rock Band contest. In a field of many worthy candidates, thus far White Lion is slightly edging out Lita Ford, but a recount might be warranted as it turns out many readers mistakenly thought the guy singer from White Lion was actually Lita Ford. But back to football... Coach generally hates it when "The Wave" breaks out at Lambeau because it feels like the fans aren't paying attention to the game. (Of course, Coach is okay with The Wave during preseason games because the football isn't worth watching anyway.) But an early 4th Quarter "Wave" was actually kinda fun last Saturday. The whole game felt like one big party... Chicks in Santa hats wearing bikini tops, co-eds home from college using Ma & Pa's tickets for a Christmas Eve tailgating drunkathon, and of course the Packers were soundly blowing out the Vikes from the get-go. So The Wave just felt like one last group beer bong from the top of a massive Green & Gold RV. Plus, it had been a while since Coach recalls seeing The Wave at Lambeau, so -- much like the McRib, you really don't appreciate it until it's gone. Then what happens? They ban it! The Green Bay Press-Gazette reported in Sunday's paper that "Waves will no longer be permitted at Lambeau Field" because apparently 2 Polacks drowned. (bah-dum bum) And now for something completely different, here are some gameday clips from "the Coach’s mic" library… Dvante Adams says “Look it in … SCHMOOK it in!” “Erin Andrews? Wow! Hey…smile if you want to blow the birthday boy! Ha-ha! But seriously, you should probably bring a towel if you do.” “Where’d he go…?” “Hello, my name’s Julius … and, I’m a Capricorn … I like quiet walks on the beach and quaint candlelit dinners … and I’m looking for a serious relationship with a sensitive person who cares as much as I do about saving stray animals.” “Uh, that thing got the Angry Birds?” (Sniff, sniff) “As long as you’re down there…” “I could kiss you.” “I got in one little fight and my mom said ‘You’re moving in with your Auntie and your Uncle in Bel Air’.” “I fricken hate The Wave.” “...turns out they had to ban it because 2 Polacks drowned! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” “Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!” “Ahhhh-ha-ha, NOW I get it. …they drowned because Polacks are dumb(?). That’s a good one, Aaron, thank you.” “Eewwwwwe! What is that on that towel?” Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Wow, 9-6 record and one win over Detroit away from winning the NFC North outright and a #4 Seed, or even possibly a #3 Seed in the Playoffs. “Coach, is this true?” Yes, sonny, it’s true. “But can we go on a run in the Playoffs … can we get anywhere?” Well, if the last 5 games are anything to go by, then yes we can, son. As you know, Coach is a big proponent of scoring more points than the other team. We call this difference the “point differential” and for the 2016 Season through 15 games played, the Packers rank a respectable 10th, just between the Ravens and the Skins at 2.5 points per game. More importantly, over the last 5 games we have averaged almost 2 TD’s a game (13.2 points) more than our opponents, which would be the best in the NFL if projected over the whole season. You may recall from some of last year’s editions that Coach demonstrated a strong correlation between team scoring defense and success in the Super Bowl (and Coach coined a new term “defense wins championships”). So while the point differential is important, likely even more important is that our defensive points-allowed ranking over the last 5 games would be good enough for No. 2; just behind the Cowboys and just ahead of Seahawks. A key observation here is that 4 of the top 5 defenses are in the NFC and all of them are in the playoffs, and they recommend Trident to their patients who chew gum. The Giants are the highest seeded wildcard team and very likely will end up coming to Lambeau in the first round of the playoffs after we dismantle Detroit. While the Giants have a weak point differential, they do have an excellent defense…and all Coach needs to say about that is “2007” & “2011” to make the point. OK, but Coach is getting ahead of himself. A general summary of the last two games is: Offense – outstanding in first two quarters when Rodgers has been turned loose, generally stalls midway through 2nd quarter when MM tries to “manage” the game. The offense then comes back to life at the end of the game when we are all panicking about the defense allowing big yards and lots of points. The big unknown, still, is whether we have a running game or not. It looked great in Chicago and sputtered last week against Minnesota. Give Zimmer credit, Minnesota has the number 8 scoring Defense and we were the only team to put up 300 yards in passing against them all year, but they are “only” the #15 rushing defense and we did basically nothing against them. This is a big question mark and potential Achilles heel going into Detroit and then the playoffs. Coaches Playoff Ready Rating – Offense: Oh yeah good to go Special Teams – while we are still “only” the top 10, this could well be the best overall combination of kickers and kick coverage units that Coach can remember with the Pack. The only thing we don’t have is a consistent returner who is a threat to break off a big return that can change a game. This past week Corduroy Patterson was bottled up and was not threat. This is a great example of a solid improvement from previous years. Coaches Playoff Ready Rating – Special Teams: Hmmm, yeah prolly goodie nuf. Defense – The stats above point to a huge improvement over the last 5 games, but has it really improved? What has definitely improved is the number of takeaways. The Legume led defense is predicated on the offense being up by a couple of scores and then putting 27 D backs on the field to try to get a pick. Clearly the offense has done a good job of getting up early in games allowing even more liberal use of the nickel and dime defenses. What scares Coach about the Defense going into Detroit and the playoffs:
Coaches Playoff Ready Rating – Defense: Who da hell knows? WTF – The Coach’s take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like The Chargers lost to the Browns. WTF, San Diego? We always get screwed. This time we got bumped to the last game on Sunday, no thanks to the NBC Football Night in LAmerica flex schedule ... Watch -- we'll probably then get slotted to play the 1st game on the following Saturday at noon. The only saving grace is that the NFL abandoned Monday Night games in week 17 because Jerry Jones bitched that the Queerboys lost their playoff game roughly a millennium ago because it was a Saturday matinee contest following a Monday Night game. I hate Jerry, but it was a good rule change. ...and I'm glad he was the poster boy for it. Who'da thought bug eyes with big yellow teeth would end up on a poster? How 'bout them offensive Pass Interference non-calls last week, eh? I guess Dvante's birthday present came from the back judge when Adams shoved Vikings DB and former Michigan State Spartan, Trae Waynes, about 7-yards toward Bellvue to grab his touchdown pass. More importantly, he didn't drop it! Dvante always catches the tough ones, it's the easy ones he drops. Sure, the refs gave Minnesooooata a make-up offensive PI non-call on their ensuing drive, but I'll take the one that comes with 6 points every time. On one play, no PI call was necessary. Remember the 71-yard touchdown pass from Sam Bradford to Adam Thielen? I’m not sure what it looked like on TV – but from the stands, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix made an EXCELLENT tackle on Quinton Rollins. Rollins bit on a WTF half-ass head fake stop-n-go route, leaving a good ten yards between him and Thielen. Fortunately, C-D did not stay deeper than the receiver and was forced to take a really bad, useless angle so he could wipe Rollins out of the play and avoid any need they might have to chase Thielen another 40-yards down the sideline and get tired out for the 2nd half. Thielen played punk and did a Lambeau leap into the 2 Vikings fans that paid $900 each for the endzone seats in Row 1, but we had the last laugh that afternoon by extinguishing any flickering hopes of a playoff appearance the Vikings had left as Jordy ran wild catching TD passes every time I spilled beer on the back of the guy sitting in front of me. Maybe the biggest WTF of all this year was the expectation that the Minnesota Vikings had 4 months ago for them (ha ha, hee hee)…. to be in the Super Bowl! Ironic that this kid’s name is “Nelson.” (Click on Link) The Bears Still Suck – the Coach has proof Much like we couldn't count on the Bears to beat Detroit a coupla weeks ago, we couldn't count on them to beat the Redskins this past weekend either. The Foreskins rubbed out the Bears 41-21 on Christmas Eve. Credit John Fox's team for preventing the commonplace 6th touchdown, but, alas, the Josh Sitton led offense did not have more than 3 TD's in their arsenal last Saturday to propel the Packers into the playoffs with a week left in the 2016 season. We don’t need them anyways. On Sunday the Bears will play their final contest of the 2016 season against the Minnesota Vikings. No matter what result the Bears achieve, they will once again miss out on the playoffs in a result that has been apparent since mid-September. "Sometimes you just walk into the team locker room at the beginning of a season and think 'Wow, what a special group of guys we have here,'" said quarterback Matt Barkley after Wednesday's final padded practice of the season, "This was not one of those years." The bright side of the dismal season for the Bears is that they likely have secured a top 5 pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. Using quod praeteritum sit futurum logic, though, experts predict that no matter what rising college star the Bears select, it won't really make a difference. It’s funny, because it’s true. Udder stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Brought to you by the Southern Tenant Farmer’s Union (STFU) and the Don’t Mess With Texas Foundation, the STFU/Don’t Mess With Texas Cotton Bowl will kick off at noon in Dallas on January 2nd, featuring the Wisconsin Badgers vs. the Western Michigan Broncos. We look forward to not seeing Jerry Jones’ mug on the TV screen following every Badgers touchdown! Just as the chances of finding a Badger in Madison are slim, so too are the odds of finding a Bronco in Kalamazoo—other than the rusted out vintage 1985 variety. Known primarily as the birthplace of Hillary Clinton’s female lover, the hometown of farmersonly.com, tainted drinking water and the first city in which Craigslist personal services were offered, there is little worthy of mentioning regarding Kalamazoo. Similarly, there is little on WMU’s resume that makes them worthy of a #15 ranking. Like Wisconsin and everyone else in the Big Ten, they beat Northwestern and the Fighting ILL. WMU’s coach PJ Fleck was a shoe-in for MAC coach of the year. His name had surfaced earlier this month for openings at Minnesota and Purdue (after being spotted by local media in West Lafayette, IN), only to be withdrawn from consideration as those schools demanded commitments prior to bowl season. Fleck cited the desire to coach WMU in the Cotton Bowl game as motivation for remaining as Broncos’ coach, adding “I found West Lafayette to be a pretty crappy place to live, and Purdue seems like a crappy school. It would probably be a step backwards to go there.” Notably, the only strip club in West Lafayette employs exclusively retired strippers aged 65 and older -- and, one by one, several club performers have come forward, accusing Fleck of after-hours, off-shift groping, sodomy and making improper advances via university e-mail accounts. During a contentious interview with BU, when questioned about these indiscretions, Fleck replied “Wrong. Faces like that—I don’t think so. Those women were planted by Paul Chryst to prevent having to face me as head coach at Purdue or Minnesota.” Related, BU also exclusively unearthed a recent “lack of decorum” exhibited by PJ Fleck (Click on Link) while he was scouting NFL formations for his playbook, incognito, at a San Diego Chargers game. This guy definitely needs to be kept out of the Big Ten. Like the Badgers, WMU relies on their running game to set up their passing game. With 3.5 members of WI’s top DLmen back for this game (vs 1.5 for the PSU game), WMU will not be moving the ball running. Unlike UW, WMU does possess one of the nation’s top receivers, Corey Davis (see also, Greg Jennings). Conventional wisdom is to expect Sojurn Shelton to be assigned and to successfully execute the task of shutting him down. WMU does not possess 2nd & 3rd receivers capable of exploiting Figaro, Jamerson or even Tinder, so Bucky might even be able to afford sticking 2 DB’s on their top WR like glue for the whole game. Their QB threw only 3 picks this season, 2 of them against powerhouse Ohio in the MAC championship game. They have not faced the likes of bad-asses Watt & Biegel. Expect two picks and several sacks this game as their QB will be running for his life. WMU does not have the bodies to stop WI’s running game without blitzing. Look for WI’s mediocre passing game to exploit WMU selling out to stop the run. Only question is whether they will do it right away or wait for Clement to get stopped a few times first. BU staff suggests that WI come out throwing on the first play of the first series. Both teams have a huge chip on their shoulder. For WMU, this is a game for respect. For WI, this is a game for respect as well, but more so an opportunity to take out on somebody the still-smoldering embarrassment suffered a few weeks ago in Indy when they took it in the back door from PSU like one of Fleck’s prune-skinned lovers. The number of fans in attendance at the Cotton Bowl will resemble the spring game scrimmage, and they won’t see marquee talent at skill positions like the athletes on tOSU or MI rosters, but when matched up against overrated WMU, WI will look more the part than they really are. WI will get up big early in this game and win by 40, because WMU cannot stop any of the 3 running backs. WI could put up 450 yards rushing in this game. Passing with a big lead would be merciful. You heard it here first. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ - predictions for the next game Beloit, Wisconsin does not have a lot to be proud of. It is basically the arm pit of the Badger State, often being mistaken for a retarded city (Click on Link) from Illinoise that forgot which side of the border it’s supposed to be on. It’s so bad, Janesville can make fun of it! Anywho, Detroit Lions head coach, Jim Caldwell, is a native son of Beloit, which is probably the only thing it can be proud of. Fun fact: Beloit is actually a name originating from early French explorers that means “a place to generate paper” and is properly pronounced “Bell-wah” (the city name, not Jim Caldwell’s name … you probably figured that). Detroit is a good fit for Caldwell because that shithole of a city actually seems like a step up from Beloit. And did you know that, ironically, Detroit is ALSO a name originating from French explorers? Historically speaking, it is properly pronounced “Day-twah” and it literally means “the women here stink like fish.” I’m pretty sure that’s accurate. Unfortunately for the Lions, Caldwell’s true Beloit will rear its ugly head Sunday night in Detroit. A win or a tie gives us the division title. All the so-called “experts” are calling for a shootout. Even if, for some strange reason, the Lions are on fire and outplay the Packers for much of the game, history has proven that still won’t be enough and Motown will get mowed down by the football gods. Remember in 1986 when the Lions and the Packers had the highest scoring game in Thanksgiving history? It was the best day of wide receiver Walter Stanley’s career; he netted 207 all-purpose yards and 3 TD’s, including an 83-yard punt return to win the game for Green Bay, 44-40 (Stanley had an otherwise undistinguished career in the NFL and doesn’t even qualify for this week’s JB column). …and who can forget this 2015 classic? (Click on Link). Coach is calling it – no OT necessary: 2016 NFC North Champs! GB 34 – DET 24 JB – Packer greats you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them As we look to close out the 2016 regular season against the cowardly Lions, Coach thought it might be interesting to look at a Detroit native who played for the Packers. John Rowser, #28, was born in Greenbow, Alabama but moved with his mother to Detroit where he was a high school football standout. After playing at Michigan he was drafted by the Green Bay Packers in the 3rd round (78th overall pick) of the 1967 NFL/AFL draft. He played in 42 regular season games as a defensive back for the Packers from 1967 through 1969, including the Super Bowl II victory over the Oakland Raiders in his rookie season (yep, Lombardi’s last year in Green Bay). As it turns out, that was the pinnacle of Rowser’s decade-long NFL career, as he later played for both the Steelers and the Broncos but missed, by one year, each of their Super Bowl appearances. Over the course of his career, he intercepted 26 passes – 4 of which were returned for touchdowns (not too shabby). He later became a defensive coach in the CFL for 3 different teams that never achieved a winning record. Most of you undoubtedly recognized John Rowser by his famous son, Mykelti, who won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing the role of Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue in the 1986 Winston Groom book turned 1994 Robert Zemeckis film, Forrest Gump. Some additionally interesting facts about Rowser include that he had a speech impediment, and was born with a rare but not uncommon condition called “dansolder” (characterized by a distinguishable 3rd nipple on one’s back). It is widely believed that these physical conditions drove him to excel in athletics and were also later the inspiration for the name of Canadian rock band, “Nickleback.”
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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