Welcome back to the Coach Clarahanson Show!!! After playing the last 4 contests on the road, we are ready for Home Sweet Home and there is nothing like Green Bay at Twelve. When the game returns to Lambeau – in a classy display of solidarity , Packers players will actually be hugging police officers (Click on Link) during the National Anthem. Nice. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Hmmm… where to start… “Tiger” Rodgers falls from elite status and out of the 1st ballot HOF discussions? Damarius Randall getting burned by Diggs over and over and over again? Maybe you’ve seen enough of Schum to leave you longing for a little Masthey? (Click on Link) Suffice it to say the best part of SNF for Packer fans was watching Carrie Underwood do the pregame sing along. Coach’s assistants have admitted they’d risk pink eye just to be “down there” if a fart comes out. Anyhoo, MM apparently did not read Coach Clarahanson’s piece last week on the importance of mastering situational football. In fact, one could argue he should have done the exact opposite (Click on Link) of every decision he made that night. So let’s break it down and learn something useful… As Coach explained last week, scoring more points than the other team is -- more often than not -- a good thing if you intend to win…only we’re not doing that so much. Granted, it’s only Week 2, blah, blah, blah, but we are huddled with the un-washed masses in the “looks like 8-8” club including Atlanta, the Cowboys, and next week’s opponent – the Deetroit Kittens. Much has been written and discussed by pseudo-insider hacks like Rob Demovsky about AR being “under 100” in last 14 games, but Coach is even more worried about a different stat that doesn’t bode well for getting to “Big Game LI” in Houston next February. If we are going to get there, then we have to get past Minnesota (did I just say that?). And we have not been good against Mike Zimmer led defenses. Going back to Zimmer’s time in Cincy, Rodgers/Packers are 3-4 against him and AR has an 86.6 QBR against him. That’s not gonna cut it. Even more concerning, the Packers are 4 W – 10 L against Top 10 Scoring Defense since the beginning of the 2013 Season. AND, we have 5 more Top 10 Defenses left on our schedule in 2016 (see second chart below). So while Coach will always be worried about our Defense being led by the Big Legume, I’m even more concerned about an MM/AR Offense capacity to return the Lombardi Trophy to its rightful home. A quick aside on the Kitty Kat’s Defense before we get back to MM/AR --- while the Kittens are currently ranked 24th in Scoring D, they do play a pretty decent 4-3 D. In the picture below they are in a 4-3 with the Safety brought down in the box to make it a 4-4 against AP last year (a game which they won). So what about our D? For this week let’s just say I hope we play a lot more of our base 3-4, which was copied from the Steelers/Dick Lebeau. The picture below is of the Steelers beating the Broncos last year, and note they are in “base 3-4” …something Packer fans are not familiar with because we almost never run our own D!! OK, enuf D for this week. So after last week’s nonsense against the Vikings, Coach doesn’t want to re-hash all the stuff youse guys have already read or heard about, but Bob McGinn has a pretty straight shooting summary and I’ll just quote his overall rankings here (1 low, 5 hi): QB 1 Receivers 1 OL 2.5 RBs 2.5 DL 4 LBs 4.5 DBs 1.5 Kickers 1.5 Special Teams 4 Sports Fans, this is not a formula for success…it has to change…Coach hit the table so hard at one point last week that his ear wax fell out. Kind of a weird (yet oddly satisfying) “What the hell was that?” sensation. So what happened and how can we fix Aaron?... First of all, we need to address MM’s rectal-cranium inversion when he’s coaching AR. In his post-game press conference McCarthy said:
Just for the record, Rodgers’ 4 fumbles don’t even come close to getting him the top spot…Lenny Dawson holds the record for 7 in one game, and our own beloved Brent Favor is tied in 2nd place with many other QB’s at 6 against Tampon Bay. WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like You guessed it, it’s the 4th and 1 play: we’re in chip-shot field goal range and we’re down by 3 as we’re deep into the 3rd quarter. So what does MM do? He didn’t do something stupid. He did THREE stupid things:
To make matters worse, I was in an airport this week and I actually saw someone wearing a Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt. Oh the humanity. Makes me sick to my stomach. Which reminds me… If you’re heading to Lambeau this Sunday, Coach highly recommends you pinch one before going to the game. You know what I mean. Ever started to “crown” while tailgating and had to use one of those port-o-potties (or as they say in the U.P., “porta” potties) lining the fringes of the parking lots surrounding the stadium? Or had to drop a deuce in the stadium using the Men’s bathroom stalls? No thanks, brother. For some reason, degenerates use these venues to shower urine on toilet seats and wipe their feces on the walls. Disgusting. What’s even more weird is that no Lambeau loo is exempt. Coach has tickets on the aluminum benches at Lambeau and frequents the nearest restroom when nature calls, so I should not be too surprised when hardcore tailgaters who end up there occasionally doink one off the rim if they are too sauced to avoid swerving. But Coach has also on occasion had the good fortune of sitting in club seats and even the luxury boxes a time or two – yet, perplexingly, even these deluxe dwellings are targets of the decadent defecators. (Yay, alliteration!) It even happens on airplanes. It’s bad enough you can’t take a leak without banging your forehead in those tiny closets when a little turbulence occurs (unless you’re some sort of circus freak show contortionist, or a really short guy from Wrightstown), but then you have to also avoid the fecal matter smeared on the walls and sink so that it doesn’t rub onto your khakis from Kohl’s. And, undoubtedly, the one hot chick on the plane that you’ve been staring at in stealth mode since you were waiting at the gate to board … of course she’s right there as you fold open the lavatory door to exit, and you look at her with those “That wasn’t me, I swear!” eyes knowing that she’s gonna think you’re the guy that painted crap all over the place. There is just no good pick up line for that situation. It’s tough enough if you have to “go” away from the comforts of your home (aka, “win one on the road”), but having to deal with that disgusting mess makes it even more unbearable. Who are these dudes that have gut rot so bad they are compelled to spray every inch of every toilet at Lambeau Field with ass matter? WTF, man? It’s not like we have a White Castle or Waffle House in Green Bay. Sometimes it’s so messy you’d swear a homicide occurred in there (Click on Link). And how do they manage to ruin almost every single toilet? Do they line up hours ahead of kickoff and plan a destructive strategy? I mean, when you can’t hold it – you search and you search, weaving in and out of fellow G.I.-challenged brethren and then, hey – wait a minute, you actually find a stall that doesn’t look too bad and doesn’t have a cattle queue in front of it (so you pretend to not see it, so as to not draw attention, while you wonder “How did all the other guys not see this one?”), but it turns out the latch is gone and the hinge is broke so the door always swings wide open. That’s a tough decision point, brother. In his younger, more cavalier days, Coach removed the strings from his camo hunting boots in order to tie a door shut. At least we aren’t forced to have to go in front of chicks, though (yet). Ask your lovely lady and I bet she says the women are worse! More things to ooze out of the body I suppose. Maybe it won’t be long before the insensitive “Men” and “Women” signs get removed from the bathrooms doors to appease the GLBTQMSNBC(?) activists, so we’ll know soon enough which gender (or self-identifier?) is most disgusting. I hope I never see a hottie coming out of the stall next to me if it sounded like a napalm dump on the Viet Cong just occurred. Hmmm… maybe that babe in the airplane was the culprit all along?! Occupied (Click on Link) The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof In the words of the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, you are what your record says you are! Loyal Packer fans and avid readers of The Show!!! already know that the Bears suck, and their 0-2 record merely reminds us of how bad. They’re just pathetic losers. In the latest chapter, those lovable Bears and their wacky QB completely collapsed on MNF. Tough guy Jay went on his “loser limp” and pulled himself out of the game Monday night after throwing an interception, claiming he broke his thumb nail. He was so inspiring to his team mates that injured Bear player Pernell McPhee decided to “coach-him-up” by bumping him and yelling “wake the F up!!” as he came off the field...yes, that’s right, a guy that’s number 63 or 64 on the Bears Depth Chart is calling out the starting QB on the sidelines for being a F-up. Coach couldn’t have said it better than Stephen A. Smith… Jay Gutless (Click on Link)…So PLEASE check it out, you won’t be disappointed. It is so amusing that Cutler has become a mainstream media sensation… If you type “douche bag football player” in the Google Images search box, here’s what comes up (with the benefit of Coach’s captions ... you're welcome): What a difference in the two franchises -- Who would you rather have, Douche Bag Cutler or the guy who played through injuries his entire career (Click on Link for list of Brett Favre injuries)? The guy who whines and quits every other game, or the guy who played in more consecutive games than any other player? The guy who is more comfortable with a towel over his head or the one who is at the top of the 20 Badass Athletes Who Played Through Serious Injuries (Click on Link). BTW, Mike McCarthy won a bet, having lost only by 3 points last week. You see, he and Bears coach, John Fox, were at a tavern near the state border last Saturday; pre-celebrating the fact that they both would be on the prime time Sunday and Monday night gigs. As the beer flowed, Fox claimed he was a better coach than McCarthy because he was in more Super Bowls. McCarthy retorted that he actually won the big game, which made him the superior game manager. As the hours rolled by, things got a bit testy between the two and McCarthy eventually blurted out “I can call a game better than you can with my head up my ass!” Fast forwarding to Monday night… the Bears got blown out at home by Philly’s rookie quarterback, and McCarthy clearly managed the entire game with his head up his ass on Sunday. Congratulations, Mike. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Downs Second SEC Foe #13 Georgia Thwarting Pesky Foe 23-17 at Camp Randall In a tense back and forth struggle, the Badgers came out victorious once again, beating the #16 Georgia Bulldogs between the hedges at Sanford Stadium in Athens. This is the second time in three weeks that Wisconsin has beaten a once feared SEC team, first the #4 LSU Tiggers and now UGA. In a fierce defensive struggle, the Badgers were up 6-3 in the third quarter when UW coach Paul Chryst pulled starting QB Bart Houston for the much younger Alec Hornibeck. The redshirt frosh proceeded to pull away with three scoring drives in front of a stunned partisan crowd wearing their famous counterfeit Packer rip off G’s. The dejected and distraught Bulldogs…. Oooops. Wait, we barely beat Georgia STATE? …At Camp Randall? Roseanne Roseannadanna (Click on Link) It hurt that Clement was out and Deal was dinged early, as unknown freshman RB Bradrick Shaw was forced to carry the load (yet, dropped the rock). The offensive line was offensive and appeared to be sleepwalking all game. Coach Paul Chryst said after the game, “I was planning all along to insert Alec mid-3rd quarter, but I expected to be up 30-6 and not 6-3.” But, hey, Bucky wasn’t the only one. A few of the 14 Big Ten(?) teams got caught peeking ahead to the opening of conference play next week. Only Iowa failed to wake up. Northwestern, after dragging down the conference RPI, will wake up in time for their matchup against the Badgers, like Iowa does every year 6 weeks after losing to Iowa State. One question going into last Saturday was answered. The Badgers DB’s cannot cover and are likely going to get lit up in the coming weeks. UW lost their 3rd CB playing against Akron and the lack of depth will probably show over the next 3 games. It’s even more ominous when you have DB’s with names that sound like things that get burned. For example, Derrick Tindal ~ Derrick Tinder (see also, Damarious Candle). On a positive note, the Badgers get an “A” for not showing Michigan State anything. Hopefully very few UW recruits in attendance de-committed. Expect Corey Clement to be 100% healthy with fresh legs. He will need them as MSU is extremely physical (on both sides of the ball). Even though MSU was ranked higher, both Italian and Indian casinos had Sparty as a gambling underdog – and then they thumped the formidable Fighting Irish on Notre Dame’s home field in prime time. Kudos to the NBC camera crew … every time Sparty got a big gain or score (which was a lot), NBC cameras would zoom in on Notre Dame’s Defensive Coordinator, Brian VanGorder, who looks like a creepy guy stuck in the 80's that hits on your wife or daughter because he thinks they will admire him for being associated with a football team. There's no doubt in his mind he could have been state champ back in '82 if only the coach only would have put him in… Uncle Brian VanGorder (Click on Link) But back to the upcoming matchup at Michigan State… We really did not want a QB controversy taking shape going into the meat of our schedule, but we are stuck with one now. Bart Houston didn’t play all that badly on Saturday. He was victimized by multiple drops, inconsistent OL play and another RB injury. Hornibrook is a much better passer downfield, putting the ball in the hands of receivers rather than sailing passes that eventually complete their descent somewhere in Marquette County (that’s in Wisconsin, not Michigan – it’s just north of Madison for you geographically challenged followers). Hornibrook also hits receivers in stride. Defenses eventually (this Saturday) would dare Houston to throw, also taking us out of our running game. MSU will need to respect Hornibrook’s passing ability, provided someone can get some separation. Since the 1993 win vs. MSU in Tokyo (that’s in Japan, not Michigan), the Badgers have had a habit of crapping themselves in East Lansing (THAT’s in Michigan). Barry’s teams did it. Bielema’s teams did it on their last two visits there—Nick Toon dropping multiple 3rd down conversions the year we lost to TCU in the Rose Bowl and Bielema taking us out of national championship game contention during the Russell Wilson season by calling a TO which allowed MSU to heave a Hail Mary before time ran out. And Abbrederis dropped a TD bomb which would have put that game away in the first half, then mistimed his leap on the Hail Mary pass at the end of the game. So what happens Saturday? If the first three games of this season are any indication, look for 3+ dropped passes. Avoid those (and turnovers) and we may have a tight game on our hands. We lack explosiveness on offense and will need to settle for 5-10 yard chunks. Hornibrook should be more successful than Houston in sustaining drives and can’t do any worse in the red zone. WI’s front seven can play with anyone, but we haven’t faced a physical team with a good passing game. We avoided that combination last year as well, though we got the job done versus an above average USC passing game. LSU couldn’t expose our secondary, but MSU can. This is the first time in a respectable while that we go into East Lansing with lesser athletes at the skill positions (thanks, Gary Anderson). Our margin for error is smaller as a result. Play a clean, ball control game with dinking and dunking, we lessen the exposure of our secondary and potentially frustrate Michigan State. Need Hornibrook to play as advertised with poise, not getting rattled, and of course not throwing picks. Do all the above and we have a game that comes down to the final possession. Badger Underground can’t predict who blinks. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game One of the main reasons we will beat the Cry-ons is that their star running back, Ameer Abdullah, was put on IR this week because of (a-hem) a “foot injury”(?). Breaking the code, this really means he was sequestered by the DHS because of his suspicious name. No surprise that he ended up in Detroit (a hotbed for radical Islamic terrorist immigrants, making it commonly referred to as the “Fallujah of North America”). His status on the no-fly list makes it impossible for him to get to Green Bay from Detroit because, as you know, cars from Detroit don’t work (just like the UAW). See also, clean drinking water. Besides not having their main RB, they also are without their all-world WR, Calvin Johnson, this year. Megatron took an early retirement because the Lions organization, like the city of Detroit, sucks so bad (see also, Barry Sanders). So I know what you’re thinking… what is it that Calvin Johnson chose to do over playing professional football, albeit with the Lions? Well folks, here’s your answer (it’s funny, because it’s true): Megatron is dressing up (Click on Link) as Family Matters character “Steve Urkel” on the lame ABC TV show called Dancing With The Stars. Since you read the wisdom of Coach Clarahanson, it’s a good bet you spend your other discretionary time drinking beer and/or procreating, as opposed to watching Dancing With The Stars or Family Matters -- quite possibly the worst situational comedy in the history of television. So in the likely case that you don’t know what an “Urkel” is, I included a photo of him below. Maybe the Lions are better off without Megatron.
At least the Lions have cheerleaders this year (golf clap). I hope they bring them to Lambeau. I’m betting this is the year that the heavy-set gal from the St. Norbert’s cheer leading squad is gonna crush the poor kid on the receiving end of her up-and-over backward roll flop. Forget about eliminating the kick-offs, somebody ban that routine! (Click on Link) They should at least put a helmet and shoulder pads on that guy, and keep Pepper Burruss at the ready to conduct concussion protocols following the performance. JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Coach had a little fun digging out this tidbit, as we go into week 3 of the 2016 Season, playing the Portsmouth Spartans for the 174th time, and knowing that in spite of the upset at Lambeau last year, and not wanting to dwell on the fact that “all-time” we have been killing the kittens, and even more importantly not wanting to write a run-on sentence, Coach took a gander back down memory lane and looked for players who played for both teams. Coach presents to you Bob Mann, the first African-American to play on both the Green Bay Packers (’50-’54) and the Detroit Lions (’48 & ’49). He’s a member of the Packer Hall of Fame, but his path to glory in Titletown is even more interesting.
Mann played college football at Michican in the mid-forties, around a break in the middle for “the big one.” He broke the Big Ten Conference record for receiving yardage in 1946 and again in 1947. Bob Mann led the NFL in receiving yardage (1,014 yards) and yards per reception (15.4) in 1949. Being the cheap bastards that they are, the Cry-ons demanded that he take a pay cut after the 1949 season – so Mann became a “holdout” when the Lions opened practice in July 1950. He was traded to the New York Yankees in August 1950 and released three weeks later. Jilted, Mann charged that he had been “railroaded” out of professional football for refusing to take a lesser salary. He signed with the Green Bay Packers near the end of the 1950 NFL season and was the Packers’ leading receiver in 1951. He remained with the team through the 1954 season and was inducted into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame in 1988. Mann later became a practicing lawyer in Detroit. Nice.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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