Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Special thanks goes out to this week's sponsor, Bristal Meyer-Squib, makers of the drug Abdevo for metastatic non-small cell lung cancer (a.k.a. "pot smoker's cancer"). [Side effects may include marked drowsiness (do not operate machinery while taking Abdevo), a loss in ability to fight infections, itchy skin, delayed backache, rectal leakage, giant eyeball, numbing of the gonads, a condition known as "hotdog fingers" and perforated urinary tract (commonly referred to as Urethra Franklin). "Abdevo: when you'd rather shit yourself in public than stop smoking pot."] Check out their ad in this month’s Ladies Home Journal for a special buy-one-get-one-free coupon valid in the states of Colorado, California, Washington, and coming soon to Massachusetts! Ok, with commercials out of the way, let’s start the Division Champs victory lap with some insider footage that Coach was able to capture in Detroit… “Look in the way back. The doctor said those lesions on my throat are from, uh, second-hand smoke in college.” “That’s right, hug the pirate.” “A-ha…you got me, Mike – that’s a good one. I almost thought I was really fired for a second there!” “Well I got me a fine wife I got me an ole fiddle, when the sun’s comin up I got cakes on the griddle…” “Scotch, scotch, scotch, I love scotch.” “Oh boy. Tummy not feeling good … Eyeball ... getting ... too big for helmet.” “No, it’s Kenny... ‘Kenny Clark.’ I’ve been here since like July. Really, you’ve never seen me?” “Slap that tea bag, Carey! Seriously, I can’t feel a thing!” “What the heck did Bakhti give me? My eyeball feels way too big right now.” “C’mon … throw one right to me … I triple dog dare you!” “Hey, Mickey, help a brother out and turn that position dial on my back from ‘Safety’ to ‘Corner’ for me, thanks.” “So, can I count on you then? For less than the cost of a cup of coffee each day, you'll be helping to spare the lives of helpless animals in rescue shelters.” “Pssssst. Hey, how do you, like, keep catching the ball all the time?” “Hey Nick, Dvante said you can keep his glove.” “Where is everybody? Hell-lo-ohhh! Guys? This IS a noon game, right?” “Dude, I’ve been here for like 6 hours already.” “Help me up! Whoa. Did I just piss my pants? What the?... my fingers are like … hot dogs or something.” “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay...” “…just the ladies now! The Bears still suck, the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck...” “That’s right. Hug the pirate.” Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Well, we did it! Six straight wins to finish the 2016 season at 10-6 and win the NFC North for the fifth time in six years and “get in the tournament” for the 9th time in 10 years under Mike McCarthy. By now you’ve wasted several hours at work watching the video and reading all the articles about AR’s prediction we would “run the table,” his league leading 40 TD’s and possible MVP award. You’ve read about Jordy Nelson’s 1,257 yards receiving and league leading 14 TD’s (yes, Jordy deserves “comeback player of the year”). So what specifically worked well for us in Detroit? Well, for both teams really, what worked well was white running backs. In something that hasn’t been witnessed since Neil Young sang about the Ohio National Guard gunning down 4 students at Kent State, two opposing professional football teams started white running backs in the same prime time game, in America. In the 2017 New Year’s Day inaugural “CNN Whitelash” Bowl, the Lions started RB Zach “Zit-Head” Zenner, whilst the Packers started Aaron “the Red Pirate” Ripkowski. That's not to say whites are better than blacks, I'm just saying they both worked well, and they both happen to be white. Nothing more. Step off. It’s uncertain which back actually performed better, but two things appear likely: (1) Ripkowski could kick Zenner’s ass and drink him under the table; and (2) Jim Caldwell, like most Wisconsinites and Michiganders, voted for Donald Trump. So, the problem? Well, ehhhhh, we have no defense (and there is no help on the horizon). Detroit was running very effectively in the first half when the game score was very close, and it looked like we were in trouble. In the second half, we scored quickly to go up to a 17-14 lead, which caused Detroit to panic and they abandoned the run game. At that point, the big Legume’s Defense sort of worked “OK” and we hung on for the victory (just). Not to blame it all on Capers, after we ran up the score s'more, the Schum shank redemption punt (more on that later) gave Detroit a short field and they closed the gap to 24-31…and then MM showed his usual “situational football prowess” at the end. Rather than kneel three times and run out the clock we ran a play, Spriggs got hurt, which stopped the clock. The clock stoppage forced another Schum shot, which incredibly gave the Lions one more chance at tying the game. Of course, you'll remind me that it should never have even been THAT close in the first place because earlier in the game our beloved Claymaker also dropped a sure pick-6 that went through his hands and hit him right between the 5 and the 2. ...and the Lions continued that drive which ended in their second TD, which makes CM3's drop a 14-point swing in the game. Not to pin it all on Matthews, Coach notes that it was well explained during the game by 2-time Super Bowl loser and NBC commentator, Chris Collinsworthless, how poorly the Packers have done on pass defense all year (especially long passes down the right sideline). You won’t like to hear this, but we finished dead last, #32, el numero sucko (en Español), in passing yards attained by the opposition at 8.1 yards per attempt. That’s an incredible number; every time the opposition even attempted a pass, whether it hit the dirt or pay-dirt, they averaged 8.1 yards. All of the aforementioned nonsense is how you lose playoff games, kiddos. Although, when asked about it, Mike McCarthy said he would look at the film and they would get that cleaned up. Whew!, huh? And you were worried. WTF – The Coach’s take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like Schum’s punt near the end of the game was worse than Mariah Carey's botched New Year’s Rockin Eve performance (Click on Link). After Micah Hyde’s timely pick of Stafford late in the 4th Q to thwart a touchdown threat, Schum’s kick only went about 8-yards before it went out of bounds – thereby enabling a 35-yard hail mary-ish pass by Stafford THAT WORKED. WTF, Schum, you’re a PUNTER … punt the damn ball. I realize you wuz trying to kick it outta bounds on purpose, but chripes hey I coulda kicked it farder den dat. Fortunately, Richard Rodgers didn’t pull a Brandon Bostick on the ensuing onside kick by the Lions. He’s been a real thorn in their side late in games at Ford Field. Speaking of Ford Field… Did you catch the numerous NBC tribute cutaways to Lions owner, Martha Firestone Ford? Nice name. I wonder if she knows Betsy Whirlpool Kenmore, or Edna Kitchenaide Magic-Bullet. In case you missed it, 2 idiots dangled by wires above the crowd at US Bank stadium Sunday during the Vikings final game of the 2016 season. They claimed to be protesting the Dakota oil pipeline by encouraging US Bank patrons to divest their investments. Aside from that not making any sense whatsoever (even multi-millionaire Bernie Sanders couldn’t figure out that symbolism), this stunt underlines the ineptitude of NFL security. What if these dingbats had Walter White's cache of ricin powder to sprinkle onto the crowd or, worse, ashes from Prince's urn? Coach doubts Roger Goodell will assume any culpability or punish the parties guilty of reckless incompetence; rather, the commissioner will likely focus on what constitutes an end zone "celebration" worthy of a 15-yard penalty and accompanying post-game fine. When asked for comment about one of the protesters wearing his #4 jersey, former Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said "I didn't know there was an 'i' in ole. I like Dakota, though ... it's one of the nicer places to visit in Arizona. I throw footballs to my dog but he never catches them. Also, my sister cooks meth in the bathtub. Copper socks." In college football, Alabama head coach Nick Saban fired his Offensive Coordinator, Lane "Mustafa" Kiffen, only days before their appearance in the national championship game. In this unprecedented move, Saban cited lackluster production from Kiffen’s so-called “Cat” offense in their VICTORY over the University of Washington (that's right -- they won, and he got fired). Some suspect there was a tiff between these two former-NFL coaches and the firing was merely a preemptive PR move to oblige the wealthy Crimson Tide boosters in the event that 'Bama loses the championship game to an impressively mighty Clemson football team. Moreover, those same critics suggested that Saban uncharacteristically panicked when he released this video of the heated staff meeting when Kiffen was let go: Kiffen Firing (Click on Link) The Bears Still Suck – the Coach has proof Here's a shocker: the Bears lost ... again. In this, the worst year of their long, storied existence, da Bears lost a whopping 13 games -- the most ever for them. Oblivious head coach, John Fox, stated he believes the Bears are on the ascent and are within a year or two of winning it all. By "ascent" and "winning it all" one can only presume Fox is referring to the number 1 overall draft pick. They ARE within eyeshot of that. In his season's-end press conference, Fox remarked "I think this organization and this team is poised to deliver exactly what Bears fans now expect. And I think I've proven that I'm just the man to do it." Oddly, John Fox then broke into song (Click on Link). When reached for comment, Bears senior executive Barry Dingle confirmed that Fox was not fired, saying “Well, we were going to, but he already told you guys he wasn’t fired so we would look pretty stupid right now if we did fire him, wouldn’t we? And we are NOT going to look stupid if we can help it. Let me assure you that none of our stupidity is pre-planned ahead of time...it's just too difficult to predict, and it would be foolish to pretend to be smarter than the future. YOU'RE a stupid-head, not me. ...not me.” Udder stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground You’ve read the positive spins put on Wisconsin’s 8-point win vs. the mighty, un-defeated #12 WMU Broncos…we held them well below their season scoring average, blah, blah, blah. That’s BS. Wisconsin was well on their way to blowing WMU out of the building, jumping to an early 14-0 lead, looking like men against boys. As WMU adjusted their defense, loading the box to stop Wisconsin’s run between the tackles against their all-MAC girlymen, did Paul Chryst counter as suggested here a week ago or like he has in every game against opponents ranging from Ohio State to Purdue by passing or running plays to the outside? To the contrary, we saw Paul Chryst go into his Mike McCarthy 4th quarter prevent offense, to compliment the Dom Capers 2DL prevent defense which was in place from WMU’s opening possession. The whole Cotton Bowl summary could have landed in this week's Weekly Taco Feature! Instead of the 40-point margin projected here a week ago and which should have been the case, we found ourselves in a grinder. On offense, the most frequent play was Corey Clement up the middle left or Corey Clement up the middle right for gains of 1, 2, 0 or 8 times for negative yards. It was like watching Mike McCarthy call three straight Eddie Lacy runs into the strong side of the Seattle Seahawks defense following the Morgan Burnett pick in the NFC Championship game. That type of play calling went on for the remaining three quarters of the Cotton Bowl, often resulting in 3rd & long situations. Fortunately, Troy Fumagalli’s career day and WMU’s neglecting to cover him bailed Wisconsin out of the poorest play calling of the Paul Chryst era, which includes his time as OC under Barry Alvarez & Brett Bile enima. Was he haunted by the Penn State debacle or by the 2-point conversion pass called against TCU in the Rose Bowl? We saw very little of Dare Ogunbowale other than on a couple of third down plays. He is a defensive coordinator’s nightmare. He is also far more likely than Corey Clement to bounce the run outside when he sees the middle stuffed. He is also an outstanding receiver out of the backfield. Defensively, Wisconsin’s 3-4 defense was highly successful throughout the season, excluding the Penn State game where a depleted DL got worn down and Figaro & Jamerson lost their heads. Prior to that, Wisconsin’s three-man front regularly stuffed the run, tied up OL's and freed up lanes for Watt, Cichy and Biegel to harass QB’s & RB’s in their backfield. Even following Cichy’s season-ending injury, Watt & Biegel feasted. The 2DL prevent defense employed vs WMU severely limited the effectiveness of Watt & Biegel. More importantly, WMU ran the ball at our undersized line, clicking off 3-5 yards per carry, eating clock and keeping our offense off the field. It was a defense schemed as if we were facing Drew Brees and it didn’t vary. On both sides of the ball, the approach was to not-lose. Coming off the most embarrassing loss of any in recent years and playing against a lesser opponent, you should be taking it out on them and making a statement while doing so. We did that on the first two drives and had WMU where we wanted them, only to beg them to get back into the game and hang around where very bad things often happen. Chryst met with 40 (count 'em, 40!) high school coaches in Texas the week leading up to the Cotton Bowl. That was an awesome opportunity for recruiting, but one wonders if the boring play calls and mundane TV interviews that he doled out really helped recruiting or hurt it. To the untrained eye, the Cotton Bowl game looked like a typical Badgers game. The difference was that WMU was not the caliber of LSU, Nebraska, Iowa or Northwestern. Don’t let that #12 ranking deceive you. Those wins were comparable to Wisconsin beating Rutgers every week and squeaking by Nortwestern early in the season as they were replacing starters lost to graduation. All that said, if you would have told me 4 months ago that the Badgers would end up 11-3 and win the Cotton Bowl, I'd have thought "It's going to be a great season!" So, good on you, Paul, Cotton feels pretty good -- but you better win the Rose Bowl next year, bitch. We're gonna kick you’re a$$ - predictions for the next game We beat the Giants 23-16 at Lambeau back in October, but both teams have changed a lot since then. The Giants do not have a scary offense, they finished the regular season ranked 26th in offensive production at 19.4 pts/gm. True, Eli can get hot and he did lead the Giants offense in two playoff wins at Lambeau in 2007 & 2011, but Coach is not overly worried about Eli. What scares Coach is the Defense of the Giants. The table below contains some key defensive statistics for the 12 playoff teams, with the Packers and the Giants highlighted (Coach thinks you’re relatively smart because you read The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! and, therefore, you’ll be able to adequately figure out which ones are AFC and which ones are NFC). The Giants finished the 2016 Season ranked #2 in points allowed, #2 in opponent’s passer rating and #2 in opponent yards per rush allowed. So, on average, you can’t run far, you can’t pass well, and you can’t score much against the Giants. They average giving up only 17.8 points per game. Another observation, the top seeds in both the AFC & NFC have Top 10 scoring defenses (that is aside from Atlanta, who we would see in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs if Day-twah can get past Tacoma). Just an aside, the big Legume has been quoted several times that the most important statistic to him is opponent’s passer rating. We are ranked 26th in this statistic, so, if this is truly a “you get what you emphasize” league, then Coach Capers, why are we giving up so much in the passing game? Brian Billick was asked about this stat a few years ago and he laughed out loud and said “who cares about that (poop)”. Of course, Billick was the Head Coach of one of the best defenses of all time, the 2001 Super Bowl winning Ravens. So what makes the Giants so good on D?
One consequence of running the Base 4-3 most of the time is that they will have much more beef on the field than the Packers will. As mentioned previously on numerous occasions, on paper we have a 3-4-4 Defense, but we line up in 2-4-5 on more than 50% of the plays, so we will be 12 pounds lighter, per man, than the Giants will be on D. That might not mean much in the first half, but it helps explain why we struggle containing the run, which causes us to bring up D-Backs, which causes us to give up passing yardage. It's science. Vince is no doubt rolling in his grave, as the basics of football have not changed since the beginning; stop the run, make the other team one-dimensional and then control the ball. On the outside chance that Capers "retires" after this season, Coach is starting a GoFundMe for a “Hire Wade” billboard to be posted in front of Kohler Lodge. "So what are you saying, Coach, are we gonna lose?" Fear not, young lad, for we will beat the Giants by a touchdown and with a score very similar that of the Detroit game. The so-called experts are saying Green Bay got the toughest draw having to play the red-hot Vagiants. Well, we’ll see. Coach thinks the biggest challenge should be overcoming our rash of injuries, whomever the opponent. But, I ask, could our injuries be a blessing in disguise? What if, instead of Randall / Rollins (a.k.a. Kant / Kuvr), Dr. Gunter and Mr. Hyde blanketed the wide outs using their lanky wing spans and beef (sounds like English pub fare). And Burnett then gets moved to cover the slot #3 receiver or TE, leaving Ha Ha C-D and Kentrell Brice to lay some wood on anyone daring to cross the middle. I LIKE IT! No doubt Eli Manning will be selling out his receivers on quick crossing routes to avoid getting hit in the pocket (see also, big brother Peyton’s go-to move). So, if we hit Odell, Victor and Sterling with a baseball bat every time they reach for the ball, they will get alligator arms pretty quick. Mmm, mmm, that is some crispy duck! On our side, ever notice that the more Geronimo Allison plays, the fewer drops that Dvante Adams has and the faster that Randall Cobb heals? Just sayin. Coach is still PO’d about the recent 3 TD drops by Adams. That could cost AR the MVP (should be 43 TD's this year). The award should not go to Brady, since he missed 4 games and has by far had the weakest defensive competition of any QB in the league. Matt Ryan played half his games in a dome at home, one more in a dome on the road vs NO, and at least two other games in laboratory conditions at Tampon Bay & Carolina. I have a bias against QB’s who rack up stats in a dome. AR, on the other hand, has put up a huge chunk of his recent yards outside in sub-freezing temps at Lambeau, Philly, and Shitcago. He will be a big reason for our success (duh, I know, "You really went out on a limb there, Coach"), but I digress... on the flipside (which is the entire point of this paragraph), the dropsies by the New York Football Giants could be their downfall -- far worse than the Packers, the Giants receivers led the league in drops this year. But let’s recognize that Eli usually rises to the occasion and, to be charitable, that we have a pedestrian Defense. Let’s say that the Giants will score 24 points, which is what we give up on average. So Coach is calling it 31-24 Pack! "But 31 on Offense coach? That’s a full two touchdowns more than the Giants give up on average!" Yes, son, Coach realizes that, and here's how... No. 1 The rookies (now considered full-fledged "1st year players" because they all got significant minutes during the reg season and learned how to work through NFL adversity) are going to have a good game on D and make some real contributions (a.k.a. turnovers!). No. 2 Micah Hyde is going to take a punt return to the house --- he’s overdue (or substitute Randall Cobb in here if Hyde plays many snaps on D at corner). No. 3 ….is well… No. 12, ‘nuf sed No 4 We’re playing at Lambeau during the Prime Slot of the entire Wild Card Weekend. Coach will be there, you will be there, and 82,000 other rabid Packer fans will be there to pull the team to victory. (that's me on the left) JB – Packer players you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Sureway was a low budget grocery store that faded out of Wisconsin existence in the early 90’s along with other “original grocers” like A&P and Red Owl. I think Piggly Wiggly is probably the only major vintage grocery store chain that is still around since the advent of Walmart, Woodman’s and other big box grocers. So why give a shit? I’ll tell you why… It was an imfamous Packer that brought down the underdog Sureway franchise, and I still haven’t gotten over it! Ron Wolf’s first draft as Packers GM was only 3 years after neon Deion Sanders came out of Florida State and took the NFL by storm. Recall that Sanders, as the #5 overall selection in the 1989 draft, had more impact on the game than any other single player including fellow draft classmates taken before him: Barry Sanders (no relation), Troy Aikman (no expression), Derrick Thomas (no speedometer), and Tony Manderich (no talent). So in 1992, it was of little surprise when new Packers GM Ron Wolf eagerly used his #5 overall pick to select the dynamic defensive back who succeeded Deion at FSU and was touted by then head coach Bobby Bowdon as a BETTER overall player than Deion, Terrell Buckley. T-Buck’s college resume was impressive: a two-year starter at Florida State that left as the school's all-time leader in interceptions (21) and interception return yards (501 … an NCAA record), and tied school records for touchdowns off interception returns (four) and punt returns (three). He was named first-team All-American and won the Jim Thorpe Award (given to the nation's top cornerback), and finished 7th in the Heisman voting. Not too shabby. So what’s not to like? Well, for starters, the guy was as dumb as a box of rocks. Maybe dumber. When asked on draft day what he thought of being taken by Green Bay, Buckley said “All’s I know about Green Bay is that it’s somewhere east of Chicago.” True story. In his rookie season playing against Cincinnati, Buckley set what remains a current record as the youngest player to return a punt for a touchdown in NFL history (21 years, 105 days). Whoopdeeshit, as that was his last punt return for a touchdown ever. For most of Buckley’s career, he spent his time telling people how great he was, but rarely backing it up on the field. Sort of like a Jim Rome that can play sports. …and when he did play well, he’d already spent so much time yapping about himself that nobody wanted to give him credit. In fact, Buckley is the only player with 50+ interceptions to never make a Pro Bowl. He had at least one interception in 13 consecutive seasons. But alas, no one cares. One of his biggest untruths was his claim when he entered the league that he never gave up a touchdown pass in college. The dude was a legend in his own mind. I was just happy that the Packers drafted Craig Newsome in 1995 to replace T-Buck, and Coach got to watch Newsome pick up a fumble in San Fran and run it into the end zone when we beat the 49ers to play in Dallas for the NFC Championship. And, of course, the following year when we won it all in 1996, Buckley was in Miami (ha ha). That said, in the 2001 AFC Championship Game he played for the Patriots against the Pittsburgh Steelers and had an interception in their win, and then he got a Super Bowl ring 2 weeks later against the Rams. So, back to Sureway… as a 1st round draft pick rookie, T-Buck was asked by many local businesses to partake in their ads. Buckley commented to large market media sources and other NFL players that being an advertising spokesperson in Green Bay was a joke. Little money, lack of “diversity” (ok, maybe) in marketing professionals, etc. So when Buckley did his Sureway grocery store commercial, I was shocked. He didn’t need the money, and he apparently thought it was a joke, so why did he bother to do it? The best I can figure is that he did it for more attention or for commercials “practice.” We’ve all seen some pretty lame commercials with Packers players – let’s face it, anybody with TV advertising talent is not seeking the Green Bay market … but T-Buck was AWFUL. Remember those rubber mats in the front of automatic doors … you know, you step on them or push the cart on them, and a toggle switch depresses so that the door opens… well, Buckley was standing on/near one during his commercial for Sureway and the damn door kept opening and closing at odd times as he fumbled through his 4 lines. It was like Buzz Lightyear jumping up and down at the entrance to Al's Toy Barn. By far, the worst TV commercial I have ever seen. I honestly think he is illiterate and was asked to read some cue cards. It was as if the producer was afraid to tell Buckley he was incapable of doing a commercial so they just took whatever they had recorded and played it on TV. To be fair, though, there weren’t many good commercials made by white producers using black actors on TV in 1992 (Click on Link, but brace yourself for 90's shame).
Presently, Terrell Buckley is the cornerbacks coach at Louisville and, in a strange twist, he actually looks like a short Michael Jordon (without the pointy ears). That’s weird. Make no mistake, though, Buckley has nowhere near the smarts of Air Jordon. In this poorly assembled propaganda / introduction video (Click on Link) set to the western-movies tune The Ecstasy of Gold, you’ll see that coach Buckley is hard-pressed to complete a intelligible sentence yet manages to explain to the moron host that his best attribute is a short memory and that he is privileged to be on Bobby Petrino’s staff because Petrino likes to run up the score on overmatched opponents. What a dipshit. All’s he knows about Louisville is that it’s somewhere east of Cincinnati.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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