Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Thank God football is back. The Bucks made an early exit from the playoffs, and the Brewers did their job to keep things interesting until training camp starts. Now let’s get back to what’s really important here. Coach hopes you enjoy this first-ever training camp edition. There are no plays from last week to break down, and there is no opponent next week to scout, but Coach gives you his no-honk guarantee that the content you’ll get here will be much better than any/every Q&A that you’ll hear coming out of 1265 in August, e.g.… Lame Question: “What’s been the biggest adjustment you’ve had to make to the NFL?” Rehearsed Answer: “If I make a mistake, I’m gonna make it at full speed.” Repeat for 5 weeks. Vomit. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Here is your Official Green Bay Packer Training Camp MVP Watch-List!! Some are new draft picks, some are UDFA’s, and some are returning players looking to make that next step. Coach’s loyal readers will recall that Mike McCarthy and/or Aaron Rodgers often will declare an “MVP” of training camp sometime in August, and that player generally ends up being cut from the team, injured or both. More importantly, you know that Coach has his own opinion about who the Training Camp MVP should be, usually based on a cool name, training camp behavior or other unique qualities. Recent MVP Colt Lyerla is a good example. Evidently his superior YAC skills have slipped a bit in retirement (Lyerla's prison term extended when caught trying to escape). So, without further ado, keep your eyes on these guys when you’re chomping on churros at Ray Nitschke field... WTF - The Coach's take on football news that’s messed up NFL Geneticists Working On Developing Ligament-Free Player NEW YORK—Noting that the effort represents the future of professional football, the NFL officially conceded Monday that it hired a world-renowned genetics team to develop a completely ligament-free player. In a thick German accent, chief Argentinian genomics researcher Mal Wissenschaftler said “We’re confident that in the foreseeable future, we will have elite NFL players without any connective tissue forming joints between their bones,” and went on to suggest that the league’s ambitious $400 million research initiative aims to end such debilitating injuries as ACL and MCL tears by completely removing all ligaments from the human body. “Our initial trials have been quite promising, and our test subjects should eventually be able to run routes, throw, and catch, all while their bones are allowed to freely move or violently twist in any and all directions. Our hope is that this research will lead to both ligament- and tendon-free players by the 2040 season, but it’s still very early in the research process.” When reached for comment NFL commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed the existence of multiple physiological research projects, adding that he is incredibly optimistic about the progress also being made toward developing a concussion-proof player whose brain has no cognitive functions whatsoever. ROME–Not that anyone cares, but former Wisconsinite Colin Kaepernick agreed to a soccer contract with the futbol club in Rome, Italy. Sporting a new haircut, Kaepernick insisted his decision was primarily based on no NFL or Canadian football team expressing any remote interest in having him on their team. When asked about his move to Europe for participation in a sport that rewards primadonna players for taking dives, Kap said "At least I won't have to kneel for a playing of the Star Spangled Banner anymore. It was hard enough on the knees being in San Francisco. You know, ’cause of all the hills. They loved my beard there, though, they really did.” The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears Head Coach, John Fox, told reporters Wednesday that he is currently developing an innovative new turnover for the 2017 season. "Right now we're calling it a double-reverse fumble, but honestly that doesn't capture how truly revolutionary this turnover is," said Fox, who advised skeptics to "forget everything they think they know about giving the ball away." "Imagine a botched snap transitioning into an errant lateral that is somehow also an interception, and that should give you some idea of what we're about to unleash on the league. We'll run it if we feel defenses are starting to get complacent with our normal turnovers." Fox also mentioned that he has spent the past few nights drawing up some bold new illegal formations incorporating as many as 16 players. Heinz renames KETCHUP to dupe Bears fans into putting it on hot dogs CHIGAGO—As everyone knows, FIB’s don’t put ketchup on hot dogs (an obvious attempt to be cool like Packers fans who know better than to put ketchup on brats). So at this year’s ComiCon held recently at McCormick Place in Chicago, Heinz piloted a “new” product in the market prior to introducing it as a regular condiment at Soldiers Fields: Chicago Dog Sauce. Kudos to Heinz for realizing how stupid people from Chicago really are, as the relabeled ketchup appears to be a localized commercial hit! Keen to Heinz’s success, the Wisconsin Milk Marketing Board announced their new “Cereal Sauce” ad campaign that will be reaching all Bears media outlets this Fall. Related, Coach Clarahanson has been unable to confirm at this time whether or not there is truth to the AdWorld Magazine story that Preparation H will be selling their product in northeast Illinois as “Chicago Toothpaste.” Udder Stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Aside from the Spring Game and predictions for the upcoming season (which have been previously published with our NFL draft editions), not much else is going on in Madison. Therefore, the Badger Underground takes you to a magical place, full of wonderment – featuring our favorite college co-eds... Let the pictures do the talking: Here is YOU’RE 2017 Football Cheerleader Preview (you’re welcome). Wisconsin… Alabama... Oregon... Iowa... Maryland... Michigan State... Nebraska... Illinoise... And your reward for working your way through this entire shtick, Auburn!.. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game For some time now Coach has been helping readers try to understand the complexities of Capers’ Defense; particularly his obsession with protecting the boundaries of the football field like protecting layups from the perimeter. Over time we have seen the Fritz Shurmer 4-3-4 defense degrade to Caper’s 3-4-4 to his now “standard” 2-4-5 and frequently a 2-3-6, complimented by a 1-4-6 and even his “psycho” 0-4-7. However, as Rob Demovsky and other observant reporters (sarcasm) in the Main Stream Media have noted, the Packers need to continue to get younger and faster on the “Perimeter” so that we can continue to play average defense against 0.500 teams during the regular season and, with the help of a healthy Rodgers, earn another NFL Playoff Participation Trophy in 2017. In an investigative reporting special, Coach has uncovered unique inside-information on a couple of key areas that the Packers have been focused on in the offseason to revamp and improve the Defense: First and foremost, Defensive Coordinator Dom Legume has been designing a new 0-0-11 formation that will feature not only slow cornerbacks, but additional rookie safeties in a scheme so complex that only last Sunday was it understood by Fermilab scientists. In a more radical move targeting a “younger and faster” Defense, Ted Thompson has commissioned former Packers star D-lineman Gilbert “Gravedigger” Brown to scout youth leagues around the country for potential talent. Pictured below, please welcome this year’s inaugural class of signees for the 2029 Rookie Class! Owing to child protection laws, their names cannot be released until they are 17.5 years old. However, their agents in the back row are (left to right): Chipper McGeehee, Peter Griffin, Stanley DeWalt, Brian “Buzz” Kuttz, and Steve Sukowatey. Correspondingly, Coach Legume has been eying some of the top youth football coaches in the area to teach his new scheme. Here is a purloined photo of a top-secret coaches training session from inside the Hutson Center in late April 2017. Clearly the effort is paying off. Parents of the top two national recruits for signings next year have already enrolled these children in the exclusive Thompson youth programs, which means for all intents and purposes their formal commitment to the team. Ted and Gilbert were absolutely giddy as they talked with Coach Clarahanson about Suzie Qaadry, age 5 from Topeka, KS and William Roberts, age 7 from Waukegan, IL. Said Ted, “We are confident with these new recruits, and all of our recent signings, that we will once again have the youngest roster in the League.” Mark Murphy, team-president-and-enabler-of-mediocrity added “I think Ted has outdone himself. One can only wonder how he does it year after year. Buy a brat at the new Johnsonville Tailgate Village. I have bad teeth.” Neither executive would comment, though, on the obvious questions surrounding whether or not this collusion violates decency codes prohibiting contact with youths and coaches during the offseason. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them This week we recall former Packers inside middle linebacker, Hannibal Navies! It’s not often that ILB’s receive such notoriety. Unless your last name is Butkus or Nitschke, a “Mike” backer isn’t considered much of a difference maker on the field. Hannibal Navies was no exception, but he did have one of the coolest Packers names of all time – which is why we remember him. Navies was a 3rd team All Big 12 selection (yes, apparently that’s a thing) at the University of Colorado and was drafted by the Carolina Panthers in 1999, he played for the Packers in 2003-2004, then spent a year in Cincy before finishing his career with a 2-year stint on the 9ers. Before surrendering his position and jersey number to equally average AJ Hawk (1-year removed), Hannibal’s stats were unremarkably pedestrian:
Hannibal is perhaps more infamous for his escapades away from the ball:
Hannibal Navies, you have a cool name and we salute you for that! Thanks for being a Packer. ADVERTISEMENT Hey boys 10 to 15 years old … you’re big Packers fans, right? Well, then you should ask Mom and Dad if you can join the Thompson Youth! With your parents’ substantial financial donation, you’ll be able hang out with other young impressionable kids like Elliot Wolf, partake in strenuous physical activities, play virtual war games against sworn enemies like the Bears, Lions and Vikings, and discuss core aspects of our fearless leader’s famous “Draft and Develop” strategy with some of the most insightful pigskin minds of our day. Plus, each new member gets a legendary Thompson Youth knife! And don’t worry little fraulines, Ted hasn’t forgotten about you! If you’re a healthy female and Packers fan you can become a compulsory member of the League of Thompson Girls, an organization designed to instill lifelong devotion to the green and gold, and prepare you for future motherhood while partaking in fun activities like assembling tailgate snack tables and working the land. Imagine one day having your own house full of little Packer-backers! With the League of Thompson Girls, and a sizeable donation from your folks, you can realize that dream before you can legally drink beer. How cool is that? Remember kids, it’s an honor and your duty to serve our leader.
That's it for this week's blog, gang. Next episode of The Show!!! will be out the 1st week of September before we annihilate the Seahacks. See ya then!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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