Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!
Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme
I know, I know, you all want to hear about how we're gonna survive without Jordy this year. R-E-L-A-X, we still have Aaron. Think about it - who has more natural talent for Aaron to pitch to ... Jordy Nelson or Davante Adams? Now that Adams has some NFL experience and knows what to do, we should see little drop off. Don't get me wrong - Jordy is GREAT ... so instead of possibly being the most prolific offense in NFL (or CFL) history, we'll probably just be the best offense in 2015. Can you morons in the Green Bay elite media (that's funny) please stop saying that Randall Cobb is now the #1 receiver? He is the slot receiver. Always was, always will be (uh, except that he was always a QB until the Packers drafted him ... and, uh, they also play him at wildcat RB, but other than that - ALWAYS in the slot). With Adams as a wide out on one side, and Jones / Montgomery / Janis wide out at the other, that's a lot of big beef to throw to. Quarless and Richard Rogers are nice targets, too. Aaron will be able to move the chains just fine. Oh yeah, is it just me, or did Davante Adams hang out with Ryan Braun in the offseason? Keep the Wizzinator handy and force feed Jared Abracadabra lots of water.
What about the D? Well, John Fox (9th Bears head coach in the last 6 years) loves to pound the rock, so the formula for the Bears is:
1) Run between the tackles (the area which Dominic C reflexively avoids lining up 300 lb players for fear that they might encounter an opposing running back)
2) Cover on special teams - field position, 3 yards and a cloud of dust, yadda yadda yadda
3) Turn Vic Fangio loose on Rogers and McCarthy (Pack/Rogers/MM 0-4 against Fangio led defenses)
So now that you're scared, the reality is we'll still win by 2 touchdowns +/- weird extra points in the new 2-point conversion era of professional gridiron. ...I'm feeling a George Carlin skit coming on.
WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like
Well, there isn't much to get too bent up over from the preseason. Sure, "Special teams suck!" and "Why don't they start Jeff Janis?" are popular easy targets for the fat guy chasing down deep-fried lawyers with Busch Light at Maricque's, but the best WTF of the preseason didn't come from a player or coach - it was (surprise, surprise) from a ref... Not just ANY ref, but Ed Hochuli's son, Shawn. You know Ed "muscle man" Hochuli - he's the guy that wears his Reebox uniform like one of those boats that gets white stretch-wrap for winter storage. Anyways, his son Shawn is breaking into the NFL as a ref this year, and in his 1st game (pre-season Packers v. Patriots) he ran into the path of the Patriots receiver on a "go" route down the middle and wiped out both the receiver (thankfully) and the Packers defender, and in the process perfectly stuck a stand-up somersault himself. Nice work dips#!+. Here's a video of Shawn applying for the job, appealing to what the head referee finds most important: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QepVD5AOR7E
The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof
What a great way for us to start the season! Automatic 1-0. That comes in handy with some of our players on suspension for breaking bad with Heisenberg. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUmpTKXpIdM
Here's a classic... Mrs. Coach and I went down to Soldiers Fields (I know) without tickets - the year after we won our 12th world championship. I walked around the stadium looking for a pair of tix, and a guy stopped me: "Need 2?" and I said "Yep." "How much you gimme for 'em?" "Face value?" "Well, alright. That'll be $108." Seriously, that was exactly the amount I had left in my wallet after buying Kingsford and Johnsonville's before crossing the boarder. Recall at the time, tickets were $28 at Lambeau ... I just figured the high ticket prices there were a part of the Chicago corruptness that proliferated throughout the city at that time. Glad to see that's changed in the 2 decades since then (dear FIB's, that's sarcasm). I asked the usher "Am I in the right spot?" and he nodded - 50 yard line, 4 rows up behind the Packers bench. The guy sitting next to Mrs. Coach said "How'd you get Sid Luckman's season tickets?" In priceless fashion, my wife replied "Who's Sid Luckman?" Man, I love that woman. But wait - it get's better... As I'm listening to Brett, Chewy, and Frankie Winters laughing on the bench about the kicker knocking up Mike's daughter, I notice 2 guys in street clothes walking up and down the Packers sideline: it's Jim McMahon (Packers Super Bowl winning QB - 2nd string, from the prior season) and Walter Payton (former great NFL running back, despite being on the Bears). I thought to myself, sir Walter doesn't even want to be seen with the Bears - "this is AWESOME" (in my best Chris Farley impression). Further proof: the Bears still suck.
Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground
BUCKY SQUEAKS OUT HOME WIN. The visiting team was also wearing red and white, and the Badgers won 58-0, so we probably played Nebraska. (Too soon, Corn Holer fans?) Joel Stave looked like a blond Lynn Dickey out there today, and Tanner McEvoy was a multi-position stud. Also nice to see the Beavers get licked by Michigan. Yes, I said it - happy Michigan won. The only reason Badger Underground pulled for Michigan this time is because in case you didn't know, the Oregon State coach was the last Badgers coach (I forget his name and he sucked). Weird Brett Favre commercials for socks on ESPN-U... I guess his other investments aren't paying off and he's looking for more post-retirement income. That reminds me, I'm taking my little line backers to Brett Hundley's Steakhouse tonight!
We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game
Actual quote from Vince Lombardi to George Halas at Soldiers Fields one Sunday morning in the mid '60's... "We're gonna kick your ass today!" Nuf sed.
The Coach's week 1 prediction? Matt Ryan goes down with a season-ending injury. Ted Thompson gets a call from Atlanta and ironically trades our QB named Brett to the Falcons for a 2016 1st round pick that Ted uses to draft an undersized D-lineman who gets converted into an injury-prone outside linebacker that can't defend in pass coverage and gets released when his rookie contract is up. Just sayin. The good news is that Ted also drafts a Pro-bowl caliber wide receiver in the 2nd round.
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them
The Coach could not start the 2015 season that kicks-off in Chicago without honoring the great Charles Martin, who shined on the artificial turf at Soldiers Fields back in 1986. You'll recall that he body slammed the Bears QB after Mark Lee picked off a pass (a double win!). It was great to see the Packers players high-fiving Charles on the sidelines promptly after he was ejected from the game (an infamously bad, WTF call by the ref - as the video evidence clearly vindicates).
Here's a little known fact - the starting Bears QB playing that game later became the Packers 2nd string QB when they won their 3rd Super Bowl, Jim McMahon! It's true - look it up. Jim McMahon actually played for the Bears for a short stint in the 80's (or as we call them, "the Forrest Gregg years"). In fact, on Doug Pederson's radio show in Green Bay (Doug was the 3rd string QB that same Super Bowl year), Jim McMahon credits Charles Martin for extending his career - enabling him to eventually become a Packer, owing to the necessary shoulder repair surgery that actually boosted Jim's waning natural arm strength in the mid-80's. So Charles, we honor you on the eve of this 2015 season and certain Packer victory in Chicago; and Jim, you're welcome.
"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground.