It's a bye week, so let's talk politics (booo!). In case you missed the debate we extracted a brief “sneak peek” discourse from that awesome display of the best that America has to offer (Click on Link) when the tide shifted back and forth between the Donald and Hillary -- which is really the only snipit of the entire debate that the Coach Clarahanson audience needs to see. You're welcome. Back to football… Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme As we enter the Bye Week, it’s nice to know that we are 2-1 and in a comfortable second place position in our Division, and very probably somewhere between #14-#18 in a “real” power ranking. After all, the NFL is not really important. It is “entertainment,” you know, sort of like watching Star Wars episodes or Seinfeld re-runs. So if it’s simply entertainment, then all we need are a few nice games each year, go shallow into the playoffs and we should all be happy and not get too concerned with sloppy play. Our beloved President and leader of “the best franchise in the NFL” said as much this offseason. Here are some comments from Mark Murphy, referring to the 2015 Packer’s Season: “Yes, we haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2010, but it is very hard to win games in the NFL, let alone to win Super Bowls.” “We have great leadership and stability with Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy.” “So, while the ending to the season was disappointing, and we didn’t achieve our ultimate goal, the season was not a failure, and we have much to build on for the future.” Coach, however, adheres to a different philosophy … a philosophy that once mattered, a philosophy that used to rule the day at 1265 Lombardi Avenue. When Coach read Murphy’s comments in the offseason he was apoplectic and, in a Lombardi-&-Lambeau-are-rolling-in-their-graves moment, Coach could not believe what he was reading. So just for grins and giggles, I decided to go down statistical memory lane and see how the triumvirate of Murphy-Thompson-McCarthy have done (with Capers on the Defense Wheel). We’ll call it the MTM-Legume Regime for short. The table below has Defensive & Offensive Stats from the 4 regular seasons when the Pack have won the Super Bowl. In what I hope is no surprise, on average we scored more points than the other teams. (Is Coach going too fast?) In fact, you’ll see some very common themes between those seasons:
I’ll spare you all the statistics, as interesting as they may be, but suffice it to say the:
The second thing Coach did was compare the performance of the Pack under the MTM-Legume Regime to the Super Bowl Winner’s stats. As you can see in the table above, 4 times during the Regime (2009, 2010, 2011 & 2014) the point differential was about 9 or greater, giving them a legit shot to think about being SB Champs. Only in 2010 was the defense good enough (#2 ranking) to get them over the top. As Coach looks down the list he has painful memory after painful memory of defensive collapses late in those playoff games. Every f’ng time it’s been a defensive collapse at the end….but now you know why those collapses should come as no surprise, because that’s the way the team played in the regular season. So that brings us to 2016, where our Packers are now 2-1, but tied for 15th on Defensive Points allowed and at #13 for Offensive Points. Good enough to be entertaining? You bet, Mark Murphy, nothing to hang your head about here. The MTM-Legume Regime and AR have been testy over the last couple of weeks, but this is a “show me” league -- and if Packer Fans believe that “winning is the only thing” then we haven’t passed the eye-test yet in 2016. Coach is a realist and not a Debby Downer (Click on Link), but Coach wants/expects another Lombardi Trophy (every year)…and if we don’t get one this season Coach will be on the John Elway “fire them all for F’ng up in the playoffs” mode come February 2017. So in the meantime, when you are calling in to radio shows or arguing over the Pack at your favorite watering hole, just keep steering everyone back to the reality of we must score more points than the other team and, to do that consistently against good teams, we need to be a better defensive team than we’ve shown so far. On to another topic: Coach gets asked all the time in said watering holes “I hear ‘hidden yards’ are important, but what does that mean?” This is another seemingly advanced concept to those who wait in line at the 5th Quarter tavern in Kimberly wearing their Rodgers and Nelson jerseys to watch the TJ Lang radio show each Monday at 5pm en route to the Highway N Supper Club in Darboy, but it really can be reduced to…
A great example of that is the Pass Interference penalty last weekend against the Lions. The penalty took the Pack from their own 30 to the Lions 4 yard line in one play (Click on Link) and a touchdown shortly thereafter. The 66 yards are real, but they don’t show up in the Offensive stats. A more common source of “hidden yards” is from Special Teams play. None other than Bill Belichick, the 2nd greatest coach in NFL history, has famously opined to the Boston Herald on the new kick-off rule. The 25-yard touchback rule was put in place this year to reduce the number of kickoff returns and thereby enhance player safety. An unintended consequence is that more teams are trying to pooch kicks and pin teams further back than the 25, resulting in even more kickoff returns than previously. We’ll have to wait and see if injuries are indeed reduced, or if things actually get much worse (see also, government run healthcare). Thus far, it HAS proved Coach’s point that if you have fewer yards to cover you’re more likely to score points. Number of drives that start at exactly the 20-yard line: 58 Touchdowns: 8 (13.8 percent) Field goals: 4 (6.9 percent) Scores: 12 (20.7 percent) Number of drives that start at exactly the 25-yard line: 303 Touchdowns: 66 (21.8 percent) Field goals: 49 (16.2 percent) Scores: 115 (38.0 percent) …from all games played across the NFL thru week 3. Ty Montgomery (last Sunday against the Lions) and Randall Cobb (Christmas Eve eve, 2012 during a 55-7 blowout of the Nashville Oilers at Lambeau) made possibly the biggest heads up plays in kick-off history. Click on their names for links to these plays. The Lions pooched the ball toward the SE corner of the playing field in attempt to pin the Pack in awful field position, but a very alert and knowledgeable Ty Montgomery actually ran out of bounds and then laid down and touched the ball with his feet out of bounds. That, my friends, is a kicking-team penalty that puts the ball on the 40-yard line! But this Coach was half-drunk by this point in the game and went crazy as I thought Montgomery downed the ball at the 2 (the play was literally right in front of Coach…hiccup). Using his encyclopedic knowledge of the NFL, Coach quickly said, “hey, Montgomery, WTF, that’s a violation of NFL Rule 8, Section1, Article 8!!!” Of course, as I’m sure you’re all familiar with, Rule 8 in Section 1, Article 8 stipulates that a player who goes out of bounds cannot re-enter the field of play and catch a pass…so clearly the same logic would apply to a kick-off, n’est pas? No, in fact, it’s not the same. In the particular case of a Kick-Off, because the player is out-of-bounds, the ruling is that the kickoff went out-of-bounds, resulting in the ball being placed at the 40. So, Hooray for Green Bay, 38 extra “hidden yards” and great field position to start a drive that ended in a TD (Hooray for statistics! Heck, Hooray for Boobies!). How the NFL can have different rules for out-of-bounds is just bizarre. Coach hates to say it, but Canadian’s hockey and pussy’s soccer have much more logical rules for crossing lines and boundaries…but we’ll never discuss that here because Coach has Dissociative Identity Disorder and something like 34.8% of his personality does not like futbol. This 34.8% includes the 25% of his personality that contributes the dirty humor (Boobies!) and does the final editing for this erudite and entertaining take on the Packers. Stop looking at me, swan (Click on Link). WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like Mark McCorthy must have a man crush on Trevor Davis. Coach can’t figure out why TD got significant playing time over Montgomery and Abbrederis against the Lions, other than his initials are “TD” – which is pretty cool for a receiver. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok with sending our fastest guy down the field on a GO route and hoping for PI (kudos to Trevor for his punter-like flop near the end zone!). …shoot, isn’t that why Janis is on the team? But why was Davis in for over half of the offensive plays in the game? He was in on more offensive plays in Week 3 than Abbrederis and Janis were through 17 weeks last year, combined. Hopefully his dropped pass in the 4th Q will give local-favorite Abby, and the people’s champion, Janis (without a club on his hand), a shot at more passes in the rest of the games. Or maybe MM is just waiting for them to dominate in the Divisional round playoff game; that is, up until he pulls them off the field foregoing a statistically advantaged chance to win the game with a 2-point conversion. But I digress… Getting back to WTF’s roots, several loyal readers have questioned Coach’s recent overlooking of the worst officiating debacle in the history of college football. Honestly, Coach didn’t dismiss it, it’s just that other loyal readers have questioned Coach’s proclivity toward lingering run-on sentences that never seem to end and drag on endlessly thereby extending the duration of the reader’s involvement from a reasonable allotment of personal time for interaction with The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! to a prolonged period that compromises other commitments made for said reader by his thoughtful spouse or girlfriend or parole officer, and I guess that didn’t leave enough room for it. So the bye week seems like a good rewind opportunity for a WTF break down of the final play of the Oklahoma State (FBS) vs. Central Michigan (FCS) game a couple of weeks ago. You see, OSU was ahead by 3 and facing a 4th down with several ticks left on the clock. They couldn’t take a knee because Central Michigan could call timeout and get the ball around mid-field for a hail-Mary opportunity, so the OSU QB stepped back and launched a long pass out of bounds many yards down the field in order to eat up the remainder of the clock. This is a perfectly legal play to end the game, but the Big Twelve(10?) refs called intentional grounding (even though the QB wasn’t under any pressure and has the right to make a long, inaccurate pass to end the game...the game CAN end on an Offensive penalty, just not a Defensive one) and THEY GAVE THE BALL TO CENTRAL MICHIGAN -- GRANTING THEM 1 PLAY WITH ZERO TIME LEFT. Click on this link to see what happened next. As bad as that call was, what’s even worse is that the NCAA did not retroactively grant OSU the victory that actually occurred before the “final” play that should have never occurred (and, therefore, technically did not exist). Now, Coach could care less about Oklahoma State’s football program, but having seen similar officiating travesties steal wins away from the Badgers over the past few years, I wonder if the NCAA will get away with screwing Bucky out of victories over Michigan and Ohio State in the coming weeks. I hope note, but I guess we’ll have to stay tuned. Any suggestions out there for a peaceful gesture in protest of unconscionable NCAA officiating? Before we leave this week’s WTF segment, in case you missed it, Darren Sharper was recently included on the Hall Of Fame list of nominees. That’s right, Darren “date rape” Sharper. WTF? Sure, he was great fun to party with, but NO WAY was he ever a good enough player to be nominated for induction to the Hall of Fame. What are these sports reporters thinking? Shame on you. Sharpers Hall-of-Fame nomination causes national outcry (Click on Link). The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Three weeks in the books, 3 L’s and no W’s on the board for da Bears. They are not even what one might consider a competitive team anymore. Maybe Goodell should have the Cleveland Clowns and the Shitcago Bears play the last game of the season against each other (instead of the Pro Bowl?) with the winner owning the 1st pick in the 2017 draft. That way, John Fox (unless fired by then) will get the 2nd pick (and squander it)! Packers, Vikings and Lions really have an unfair advantage over the rest of the NFC because playing the Bears twice is like having 3 bye weeks on the schedule AND you get 2 automatic W’s. And there are SO many empty seats in Soldiers Fields (aka the space ship toilet bowl) these days. Maybe they should take some pointers from the better professional football team in Chicago -- the one that won the championship last year. No, I’m not talking about the Chicago Fire lawn losers that play soccer... If you’re unfamiliar with the Lingerie League (Click on Link), it is pretty much just how Coach and his shrewd staff of assistants would have drawn it up (except Chicago probably would not have been granted a team). Let’s hope Green Bay gets a team next year (and the players get drafted from out of state … that’s how Coach would draw it up – just sayin). As we take a little time-out from football this Bye-Weekend, we have to extend sympathy to FIB’s from the Windy City. At 0-3, they take little solace in the “success” of the Bears; but an even bigger kick in their collective groin is the new boundary put on their recreational use of the Ovis aires. Little known to most Packer fans, the Bears have operated an “R&R” facility on the outskirts of Spooner, WI for several years. Quite often Bears players, injured or healthy, would seek rejuvenation and respite from the choking smog of Chicago in the arms, er -- behind the legs, of a fluffy little ewe… Top notch accountants at the UW-Madison recently exposed the Bears' hideout when one of them noticed the Chicago Junction station just outside of Spooner, WI. Expertly tracking the Bear scat trail, the investigators quickly found the elicit operation. University officials discovered that the supposed “Sheep Milking Station” had been cloaked as part of the UW Ag Department. They have moved quickly to shut down the facility on both budgetary and moral grounds, and have reportedly begun an internal investigation to determine how the “Station” ever made it into the University. Asked about the operation, former starting Bears quarterback Jay Cutler (pictured below) was disconsolate: “I really cared for the girls -- Tweedle and Snowflake in particular, they really attended to my needs as a Bear. Once ewe go back, you never go back.” UW’s dairy sheep research program comes to a shocking end Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Sconnie Spanks Sparty! Ok admit it, you did not see this one coming. We certainly did not and even factoring in that we were managing expectations, the best we hoped for was for Bucky to win in a squeaker where the ball bounces the right way. We thought that we would be lucky to win and that if we did it would come on last possession heroics. We are pleased to announce that we were WRONG! First time starter Alex Hornibrook showed real poise and impressive accuracy. He took what Sparty gave him and got the job done. The RB’s turned in a pedestrian 100 yard performance with only 58 yards out of our star, Clement. But, the real story was the BAD ASS Defense. Lots of pressure, shut down running game, and forced mistakes led to the 30-6 stomping, in East Lansing no less! Even the secondary, which we felt was suspect, got the job done. This MSU squad is no slouch. They have real offensive weapons and Bucky shut it down. Can we keep up the in the coming weeks? We will see! So Saturday at 2:30, the #8 Badgers take on #5 Michigan. Since Coach Clarahanson followers are mostly gun-toting nature-going men, you probably already know that the wolverine is really just a large weasel. That said, you might not know how the wolverine inspired this educational homage to the maze and blue (Click on Link). These pesky critter’s only real test so far this year has been Colorado, who were leading in the 3rd quarter until their starting QB got injured. UM then lit up the scoreboard, including some big special teams plays. Here are some key points about the over grown Weasels:
But hey, we are liking our chances on Saturday. Badger Underground just wants to see whoever deserves to win this game come out on top, as long as it’s us. We are hoping to make Harbaugh look like he is taking a “big ‘ol growler”(Click on Link), just like we used to do to Bo Pellini! We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Hmmm… we just got started and now we have to take a week off? What to do with the time… well, considering our substantial rash of injuries, we can probably use the extra time to heal, Ted can have dinner with Jim Harbaugh in Ann Arbor to talk about his options for next Fall, and maybe our punter can spend time with the DB’s to teach them how to catch the ball. Hey, if Gunter and Hyde woulda held onto their gimme picks, the game woulda been the blowout that it shoulda been and Capers’ (and Coach Clarahanson, recalling the 2 INT’s predicted in late Q2) woulda been vindicated fulfilling the one scenario in which Dom's D actually works (when we’re up by at 3 TD’s in the 1st half). The contest against the Giants will be a Sunday night game again. Historically we have not done well against them in prime time at home (defying the odds, whereas every other team in the NFL does do well at home in prime time – aka “home field advantage”), and another watch-out is that Aaron and Eminem are only 1-6 in the last 7 prime time games, but more on that matchup next week. Spoiler alert: Coach is picking the Pack! In the meantime, here are a few reactions of players (Click on Link) that Coach tweeted about last year during the boring/bye week.
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Having Darren Sharper get nominated for induction into the Hall of Fame was so disturbing that it got Coach thinking… What do Darren Sharper, Eugene Robinson, James Lofton, Brandon Underwood, Najeh Davenport, Mark Chumura, and Mossy Cade all have in common? You guessed it! They all actually played for the Green Bay Packers! Look it up … it’s true. For reals. Related, Andrew Quarless, Jarret Bush, Erik Walden, Nick Barnett, Corey Rogers, and Ahmad Carroll. See also, Mike Pennel, Cletidus Hunt, Mike Neal, Demetrius Goodson, De'Mond Parker, Datone Jones, Joe Johnson, Johnny Jolly, Brett Favre, and Letroy Guion. Put your seatbelt on, man (Click on Link).
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Welcome back to the Coach Clarahanson Show!!! After playing the last 4 contests on the road, we are ready for Home Sweet Home and there is nothing like Green Bay at Twelve. When the game returns to Lambeau – in a classy display of solidarity , Packers players will actually be hugging police officers (Click on Link) during the National Anthem. Nice. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Hmmm… where to start… “Tiger” Rodgers falls from elite status and out of the 1st ballot HOF discussions? Damarius Randall getting burned by Diggs over and over and over again? Maybe you’ve seen enough of Schum to leave you longing for a little Masthey? (Click on Link) Suffice it to say the best part of SNF for Packer fans was watching Carrie Underwood do the pregame sing along. Coach’s assistants have admitted they’d risk pink eye just to be “down there” if a fart comes out. Anyhoo, MM apparently did not read Coach Clarahanson’s piece last week on the importance of mastering situational football. In fact, one could argue he should have done the exact opposite (Click on Link) of every decision he made that night. So let’s break it down and learn something useful… As Coach explained last week, scoring more points than the other team is -- more often than not -- a good thing if you intend to win…only we’re not doing that so much. Granted, it’s only Week 2, blah, blah, blah, but we are huddled with the un-washed masses in the “looks like 8-8” club including Atlanta, the Cowboys, and next week’s opponent – the Deetroit Kittens. Much has been written and discussed by pseudo-insider hacks like Rob Demovsky about AR being “under 100” in last 14 games, but Coach is even more worried about a different stat that doesn’t bode well for getting to “Big Game LI” in Houston next February. If we are going to get there, then we have to get past Minnesota (did I just say that?). And we have not been good against Mike Zimmer led defenses. Going back to Zimmer’s time in Cincy, Rodgers/Packers are 3-4 against him and AR has an 86.6 QBR against him. That’s not gonna cut it. Even more concerning, the Packers are 4 W – 10 L against Top 10 Scoring Defense since the beginning of the 2013 Season. AND, we have 5 more Top 10 Defenses left on our schedule in 2016 (see second chart below). So while Coach will always be worried about our Defense being led by the Big Legume, I’m even more concerned about an MM/AR Offense capacity to return the Lombardi Trophy to its rightful home. A quick aside on the Kitty Kat’s Defense before we get back to MM/AR --- while the Kittens are currently ranked 24th in Scoring D, they do play a pretty decent 4-3 D. In the picture below they are in a 4-3 with the Safety brought down in the box to make it a 4-4 against AP last year (a game which they won). So what about our D? For this week let’s just say I hope we play a lot more of our base 3-4, which was copied from the Steelers/Dick Lebeau. The picture below is of the Steelers beating the Broncos last year, and note they are in “base 3-4” …something Packer fans are not familiar with because we almost never run our own D!! OK, enuf D for this week. So after last week’s nonsense against the Vikings, Coach doesn’t want to re-hash all the stuff youse guys have already read or heard about, but Bob McGinn has a pretty straight shooting summary and I’ll just quote his overall rankings here (1 low, 5 hi): QB 1 Receivers 1 OL 2.5 RBs 2.5 DL 4 LBs 4.5 DBs 1.5 Kickers 1.5 Special Teams 4 Sports Fans, this is not a formula for success…it has to change…Coach hit the table so hard at one point last week that his ear wax fell out. Kind of a weird (yet oddly satisfying) “What the hell was that?” sensation. So what happened and how can we fix Aaron?... First of all, we need to address MM’s rectal-cranium inversion when he’s coaching AR. In his post-game press conference McCarthy said:
Just for the record, Rodgers’ 4 fumbles don’t even come close to getting him the top spot…Lenny Dawson holds the record for 7 in one game, and our own beloved Brent Favor is tied in 2nd place with many other QB’s at 6 against Tampon Bay. WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like You guessed it, it’s the 4th and 1 play: we’re in chip-shot field goal range and we’re down by 3 as we’re deep into the 3rd quarter. So what does MM do? He didn’t do something stupid. He did THREE stupid things:
To make matters worse, I was in an airport this week and I actually saw someone wearing a Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt. Oh the humanity. Makes me sick to my stomach. Which reminds me… If you’re heading to Lambeau this Sunday, Coach highly recommends you pinch one before going to the game. You know what I mean. Ever started to “crown” while tailgating and had to use one of those port-o-potties (or as they say in the U.P., “porta” potties) lining the fringes of the parking lots surrounding the stadium? Or had to drop a deuce in the stadium using the Men’s bathroom stalls? No thanks, brother. For some reason, degenerates use these venues to shower urine on toilet seats and wipe their feces on the walls. Disgusting. What’s even more weird is that no Lambeau loo is exempt. Coach has tickets on the aluminum benches at Lambeau and frequents the nearest restroom when nature calls, so I should not be too surprised when hardcore tailgaters who end up there occasionally doink one off the rim if they are too sauced to avoid swerving. But Coach has also on occasion had the good fortune of sitting in club seats and even the luxury boxes a time or two – yet, perplexingly, even these deluxe dwellings are targets of the decadent defecators. (Yay, alliteration!) It even happens on airplanes. It’s bad enough you can’t take a leak without banging your forehead in those tiny closets when a little turbulence occurs (unless you’re some sort of circus freak show contortionist, or a really short guy from Wrightstown), but then you have to also avoid the fecal matter smeared on the walls and sink so that it doesn’t rub onto your khakis from Kohl’s. And, undoubtedly, the one hot chick on the plane that you’ve been staring at in stealth mode since you were waiting at the gate to board … of course she’s right there as you fold open the lavatory door to exit, and you look at her with those “That wasn’t me, I swear!” eyes knowing that she’s gonna think you’re the guy that painted crap all over the place. There is just no good pick up line for that situation. It’s tough enough if you have to “go” away from the comforts of your home (aka, “win one on the road”), but having to deal with that disgusting mess makes it even more unbearable. Who are these dudes that have gut rot so bad they are compelled to spray every inch of every toilet at Lambeau Field with ass matter? WTF, man? It’s not like we have a White Castle or Waffle House in Green Bay. Sometimes it’s so messy you’d swear a homicide occurred in there (Click on Link). And how do they manage to ruin almost every single toilet? Do they line up hours ahead of kickoff and plan a destructive strategy? I mean, when you can’t hold it – you search and you search, weaving in and out of fellow G.I.-challenged brethren and then, hey – wait a minute, you actually find a stall that doesn’t look too bad and doesn’t have a cattle queue in front of it (so you pretend to not see it, so as to not draw attention, while you wonder “How did all the other guys not see this one?”), but it turns out the latch is gone and the hinge is broke so the door always swings wide open. That’s a tough decision point, brother. In his younger, more cavalier days, Coach removed the strings from his camo hunting boots in order to tie a door shut. At least we aren’t forced to have to go in front of chicks, though (yet). Ask your lovely lady and I bet she says the women are worse! More things to ooze out of the body I suppose. Maybe it won’t be long before the insensitive “Men” and “Women” signs get removed from the bathrooms doors to appease the GLBTQMSNBC(?) activists, so we’ll know soon enough which gender (or self-identifier?) is most disgusting. I hope I never see a hottie coming out of the stall next to me if it sounded like a napalm dump on the Viet Cong just occurred. Hmmm… maybe that babe in the airplane was the culprit all along?! Occupied (Click on Link) The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof In the words of the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, you are what your record says you are! Loyal Packer fans and avid readers of The Show!!! already know that the Bears suck, and their 0-2 record merely reminds us of how bad. They’re just pathetic losers. In the latest chapter, those lovable Bears and their wacky QB completely collapsed on MNF. Tough guy Jay went on his “loser limp” and pulled himself out of the game Monday night after throwing an interception, claiming he broke his thumb nail. He was so inspiring to his team mates that injured Bear player Pernell McPhee decided to “coach-him-up” by bumping him and yelling “wake the F up!!” as he came off the field...yes, that’s right, a guy that’s number 63 or 64 on the Bears Depth Chart is calling out the starting QB on the sidelines for being a F-up. Coach couldn’t have said it better than Stephen A. Smith… Jay Gutless (Click on Link)…So PLEASE check it out, you won’t be disappointed. It is so amusing that Cutler has become a mainstream media sensation… If you type “douche bag football player” in the Google Images search box, here’s what comes up (with the benefit of Coach’s captions ... you're welcome): What a difference in the two franchises -- Who would you rather have, Douche Bag Cutler or the guy who played through injuries his entire career (Click on Link for list of Brett Favre injuries)? The guy who whines and quits every other game, or the guy who played in more consecutive games than any other player? The guy who is more comfortable with a towel over his head or the one who is at the top of the 20 Badass Athletes Who Played Through Serious Injuries (Click on Link). BTW, Mike McCarthy won a bet, having lost only by 3 points last week. You see, he and Bears coach, John Fox, were at a tavern near the state border last Saturday; pre-celebrating the fact that they both would be on the prime time Sunday and Monday night gigs. As the beer flowed, Fox claimed he was a better coach than McCarthy because he was in more Super Bowls. McCarthy retorted that he actually won the big game, which made him the superior game manager. As the hours rolled by, things got a bit testy between the two and McCarthy eventually blurted out “I can call a game better than you can with my head up my ass!” Fast forwarding to Monday night… the Bears got blown out at home by Philly’s rookie quarterback, and McCarthy clearly managed the entire game with his head up his ass on Sunday. Congratulations, Mike. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Downs Second SEC Foe #13 Georgia Thwarting Pesky Foe 23-17 at Camp Randall In a tense back and forth struggle, the Badgers came out victorious once again, beating the #16 Georgia Bulldogs between the hedges at Sanford Stadium in Athens. This is the second time in three weeks that Wisconsin has beaten a once feared SEC team, first the #4 LSU Tiggers and now UGA. In a fierce defensive struggle, the Badgers were up 6-3 in the third quarter when UW coach Paul Chryst pulled starting QB Bart Houston for the much younger Alec Hornibeck. The redshirt frosh proceeded to pull away with three scoring drives in front of a stunned partisan crowd wearing their famous counterfeit Packer rip off G’s. The dejected and distraught Bulldogs…. Oooops. Wait, we barely beat Georgia STATE? …At Camp Randall? Roseanne Roseannadanna (Click on Link) It hurt that Clement was out and Deal was dinged early, as unknown freshman RB Bradrick Shaw was forced to carry the load (yet, dropped the rock). The offensive line was offensive and appeared to be sleepwalking all game. Coach Paul Chryst said after the game, “I was planning all along to insert Alec mid-3rd quarter, but I expected to be up 30-6 and not 6-3.” But, hey, Bucky wasn’t the only one. A few of the 14 Big Ten(?) teams got caught peeking ahead to the opening of conference play next week. Only Iowa failed to wake up. Northwestern, after dragging down the conference RPI, will wake up in time for their matchup against the Badgers, like Iowa does every year 6 weeks after losing to Iowa State. One question going into last Saturday was answered. The Badgers DB’s cannot cover and are likely going to get lit up in the coming weeks. UW lost their 3rd CB playing against Akron and the lack of depth will probably show over the next 3 games. It’s even more ominous when you have DB’s with names that sound like things that get burned. For example, Derrick Tindal ~ Derrick Tinder (see also, Damarious Candle). On a positive note, the Badgers get an “A” for not showing Michigan State anything. Hopefully very few UW recruits in attendance de-committed. Expect Corey Clement to be 100% healthy with fresh legs. He will need them as MSU is extremely physical (on both sides of the ball). Even though MSU was ranked higher, both Italian and Indian casinos had Sparty as a gambling underdog – and then they thumped the formidable Fighting Irish on Notre Dame’s home field in prime time. Kudos to the NBC camera crew … every time Sparty got a big gain or score (which was a lot), NBC cameras would zoom in on Notre Dame’s Defensive Coordinator, Brian VanGorder, who looks like a creepy guy stuck in the 80's that hits on your wife or daughter because he thinks they will admire him for being associated with a football team. There's no doubt in his mind he could have been state champ back in '82 if only the coach only would have put him in… Uncle Brian VanGorder (Click on Link) But back to the upcoming matchup at Michigan State… We really did not want a QB controversy taking shape going into the meat of our schedule, but we are stuck with one now. Bart Houston didn’t play all that badly on Saturday. He was victimized by multiple drops, inconsistent OL play and another RB injury. Hornibrook is a much better passer downfield, putting the ball in the hands of receivers rather than sailing passes that eventually complete their descent somewhere in Marquette County (that’s in Wisconsin, not Michigan – it’s just north of Madison for you geographically challenged followers). Hornibrook also hits receivers in stride. Defenses eventually (this Saturday) would dare Houston to throw, also taking us out of our running game. MSU will need to respect Hornibrook’s passing ability, provided someone can get some separation. Since the 1993 win vs. MSU in Tokyo (that’s in Japan, not Michigan), the Badgers have had a habit of crapping themselves in East Lansing (THAT’s in Michigan). Barry’s teams did it. Bielema’s teams did it on their last two visits there—Nick Toon dropping multiple 3rd down conversions the year we lost to TCU in the Rose Bowl and Bielema taking us out of national championship game contention during the Russell Wilson season by calling a TO which allowed MSU to heave a Hail Mary before time ran out. And Abbrederis dropped a TD bomb which would have put that game away in the first half, then mistimed his leap on the Hail Mary pass at the end of the game. So what happens Saturday? If the first three games of this season are any indication, look for 3+ dropped passes. Avoid those (and turnovers) and we may have a tight game on our hands. We lack explosiveness on offense and will need to settle for 5-10 yard chunks. Hornibrook should be more successful than Houston in sustaining drives and can’t do any worse in the red zone. WI’s front seven can play with anyone, but we haven’t faced a physical team with a good passing game. We avoided that combination last year as well, though we got the job done versus an above average USC passing game. LSU couldn’t expose our secondary, but MSU can. This is the first time in a respectable while that we go into East Lansing with lesser athletes at the skill positions (thanks, Gary Anderson). Our margin for error is smaller as a result. Play a clean, ball control game with dinking and dunking, we lessen the exposure of our secondary and potentially frustrate Michigan State. Need Hornibrook to play as advertised with poise, not getting rattled, and of course not throwing picks. Do all the above and we have a game that comes down to the final possession. Badger Underground can’t predict who blinks. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game One of the main reasons we will beat the Cry-ons is that their star running back, Ameer Abdullah, was put on IR this week because of (a-hem) a “foot injury”(?). Breaking the code, this really means he was sequestered by the DHS because of his suspicious name. No surprise that he ended up in Detroit (a hotbed for radical Islamic terrorist immigrants, making it commonly referred to as the “Fallujah of North America”). His status on the no-fly list makes it impossible for him to get to Green Bay from Detroit because, as you know, cars from Detroit don’t work (just like the UAW). See also, clean drinking water. Besides not having their main RB, they also are without their all-world WR, Calvin Johnson, this year. Megatron took an early retirement because the Lions organization, like the city of Detroit, sucks so bad (see also, Barry Sanders). So I know what you’re thinking… what is it that Calvin Johnson chose to do over playing professional football, albeit with the Lions? Well folks, here’s your answer (it’s funny, because it’s true): Megatron is dressing up (Click on Link) as Family Matters character “Steve Urkel” on the lame ABC TV show called Dancing With The Stars. Since you read the wisdom of Coach Clarahanson, it’s a good bet you spend your other discretionary time drinking beer and/or procreating, as opposed to watching Dancing With The Stars or Family Matters -- quite possibly the worst situational comedy in the history of television. So in the likely case that you don’t know what an “Urkel” is, I included a photo of him below. Maybe the Lions are better off without Megatron.
At least the Lions have cheerleaders this year (golf clap). I hope they bring them to Lambeau. I’m betting this is the year that the heavy-set gal from the St. Norbert’s cheer leading squad is gonna crush the poor kid on the receiving end of her up-and-over backward roll flop. Forget about eliminating the kick-offs, somebody ban that routine! (Click on Link) They should at least put a helmet and shoulder pads on that guy, and keep Pepper Burruss at the ready to conduct concussion protocols following the performance. JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Coach had a little fun digging out this tidbit, as we go into week 3 of the 2016 Season, playing the Portsmouth Spartans for the 174th time, and knowing that in spite of the upset at Lambeau last year, and not wanting to dwell on the fact that “all-time” we have been killing the kittens, and even more importantly not wanting to write a run-on sentence, Coach took a gander back down memory lane and looked for players who played for both teams. Coach presents to you Bob Mann, the first African-American to play on both the Green Bay Packers (’50-’54) and the Detroit Lions (’48 & ’49). He’s a member of the Packer Hall of Fame, but his path to glory in Titletown is even more interesting.
Mann played college football at Michican in the mid-forties, around a break in the middle for “the big one.” He broke the Big Ten Conference record for receiving yardage in 1946 and again in 1947. Bob Mann led the NFL in receiving yardage (1,014 yards) and yards per reception (15.4) in 1949. Being the cheap bastards that they are, the Cry-ons demanded that he take a pay cut after the 1949 season – so Mann became a “holdout” when the Lions opened practice in July 1950. He was traded to the New York Yankees in August 1950 and released three weeks later. Jilted, Mann charged that he had been “railroaded” out of professional football for refusing to take a lesser salary. He signed with the Green Bay Packers near the end of the 1950 NFL season and was the Packers’ leading receiver in 1951. He remained with the team through the 1954 season and was inducted into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame in 1988. Mann later became a practicing lawyer in Detroit. Nice. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! 1-0, baby! Just like we drew it up. In case you missed the game, just read Coach’s prognostications from last week – the game pretty much played out exactly as predicted. Just sayin. So now it’s off to Minnesota to play the Vikings on Sunday night. If you’re heading that way this weekend, be sure to hide your young children and keep your wife off the lakeboat. Just sayin. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Well, as they say, winning is better than losing and we’ll take the “W”. Much as Coach predicted, there was not very much D going on in the Florida swamps last week. Credit poor execution on both team’s offenses rather than good D as the primary reason the score was not 68-67. The Pack didn’t really pass the eye-test and we took a potential blowout and turned it into a nail biter. As such, in Jacksonville the contest drew the highest local household TV rating for a Jaguars game in 6 years. The rating of 28.7 was 19% higher than the 2015 season opener and 29% higher than the Jags’ 2014 opener. The game reached an estimated 191,000 households on the East Coast and, despite having probably the least entertaining broadcast team that could possibly be assembled for an NFL game (Kevin Burkhardt and John Lynch in the booth and – OMG!... it looked like Pam Oliver was wearing a Freddy Kruger mask on the sideline!?? – I almost threw up my brat when they showed her at halftime. Maybe she’s covering up a face injury? (Click on Link) … whatever happened to that hot weather girl on Fox, Jillian Barberie?, or having hotties like Melissa Stark and Erin Andrews on the sideline at Packer games? Now all we get is homely MINLF types. But I digress…), was the highest-rated program in the Jacksonville market for that week. On behalf of all of Green Bay and its sprawl of French & Indian named annexed villages, let me say “You’re welcome, Fox.” Looking forward to games on NBC, ESPN and CBS. So winning ugly is better than losing ugly, but where do we stand? Plenty of power rankings have us as somewhere between numero uno and numero cinco. The real answer is “Who knows?” after one week of the season. Coach is fairly convinced that scoring more points than the other team is one of the key ingredients to winning, so this year we’ll be tracking the Packers position in the all-important “Points per Game Differential” (our average points-per-game vs. the opponents “points-per-game”). After one game the good news is that we are just inside the top-ten, but it’s hard to see Houston (SB LI) from here. OK, so let’s take a step back from the ledge. Everybody in Packer nation is getting anxious about getting A-Rod a couple of more rings before he retires, Coach included, but let’s keep Week 1 in perspective. Basically no Packers starters play in Pre-Season anymore (unlike teams like JAX, that need to get their starters some real-game experience), so the month of September is extended training camp and a battle of attrition to see which teams have depth. As loyal readers know by now, Coach is fairly relaxed about the Offense, even though Coach MM seems to want to make Eddie Lacey into a scat back running around the end (which did not work, never has, never will) instead of pounding him up the middle behind Ripper (they did this a couple of times to great success). As loyal readers also know, Coach has constant heartburn about the Defensive scheme and Special Teams. ST looked OK, aside from the D having to provide a Schum Shank Redemption for his bad punt near the end. Overall the D didn’t play too badly; in fact, they committed to stopping the run and held the Jags to less than 2 yards/carry, but the D did essentially nothing to stop the pass. So what about the coming week against the Queens? Just like last week's opponent they have an extremely good 4-3 Defense, but this time the Head Coach/D-Coordinator Mike Zimmer has a proven track record against A-Rod and the Pack (recall, news fans, that MZ was the D-Coordinator of Cincinnati and we have struggled against his D). We got away with our not-3-4 D against the Jags running offense, and it’s a bit ironic that we sold out to play the run on D from the nickel and dime formations. Not a huge surprise, though, that Sam Shields was concussed when you put his 184 lb frame in to essentially play linebacker. As our fastest DB is still undergoing concussion protocols (e.g., he still thinks he’s Batman), Coach is wondering about how much we give up in “beef on the field” when we play nickel. So, just for kicks, here’s the listed weights of our starting offense to the Queens D and their Offense to our D. In a nobody-is-surprised moment, our D is on average 27 pounds lighter than the Vikings average offender (double entendre intended) and 11 pounds lighter than the Queens defensive players. Full disclosure, I used our “nickel” starters, but that is how the Legume lines them up 70% of the time. For reference, he lined up our D in the actual 3-4 formation less than 10 times in Jacksonville. Methinks thou dost protest too much, you say? OK, probably -- so expect Dom to mix things up quite a bit versus what we saw in Week 1. With both Shaun Hill and Sam Bradford less familiar with the Packers D than Bridgewater was, Coach MM probably didn’t want Capers to give much for them to look at on film. Expect more 3-4 with gap discipline, providing Peterson paltry places to penetrate past the primary point of play . WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like I know what you’re thinking … 2 time-outs in a row – that’s the WTF this week, right? Well, no (even though it deserves at least Miss Congeniality consideration). This week’s Wednesday Taco Feature is dedicated to a bonehead play by Morgan “that’s the shittiest 1st half I’ve ever had in my life” Burnett. Granted, it was only the Jags’ 2nd drive, but it should have easily been killed back in their territory -- yet ended up with them getting 3 points. 3rd and 12 and Bortles drops back to pass, nobody is open near or past the 1st down marker. So, Bortles concedes the set of downs to try again later and simply dumps a 2 yard pass to a receiver underneath. Burnett, for no fathomable reason other than to try to show up Joe Thomas who picked off a pass on the prior defensive stand, mugs the receiver before the ball gets there and celebrates like it’s a good play or something (maybe it was an “I’m on TV!” moment?). Anyways (which is the American abbreviation for “go to hell, I’m done talking about this with you” -- pay attention from now on when people say that to you and you’ll see that Coach is right), instead of letting the receiver catch the ball for a 2-yard gain and an inevitable subsequent punt, Moron Burnett gives them an automatic 1st down. It’s a massive failure of what Bill Belichick calls “Situational Football” -- his teams are masters of it, which is why they usually are in the SuperBowl (or close to it) every year and have the best record in the NFL since he’s been leading the Pats. He teaches his players to completely understand the game situation on each play and adapt accordingly -- whether it’s starting to rain and the ball is getting wet, or a defensive back is severely in pain and likely can’t keep up with receivers (see also, Richard Sherman NFC Championship Game), or it’s 3rd and 12 and the ball is passed underneath for a potential 2-yard gain… professional football players should know what they are expected to do for the team in each game situation. It’s not that difficult. I could figure out how to play each situation for like half the money Burnett makes. Though, other than failing the Football 101 quiz this week in Jacksonville, Coach generally likes Morgan Burnett. Let’s just chalk it up to being his final 2016 preseason performance. Speaking of safeties, ever notice that Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks like a lot like … someone else? Buh-weet Sings (Click On Link) Come to think of it, we have several Doppelgangers on our team. How about Brett Hundley …another Will Smith? And our Quarterback? Well,he looks a little like that famous TV celebrity from The Bachelorette…but maybe that’s a stretch. I’m not sure who this guy looks like. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Well, all 4 NFC Norris Division foes played on the road opening weekend against teams from the AFC South (aka, the weakest division in football, including FCS and MLS teams). Tallying the results is kinda like preflight checks in an airplane cockpit: Packers win over Jaguars? Check. Vikings win over Titans? Check. Lions win over … Colts??? Uh… Check! Bears win … ha ha ha ha ha ha ha … over … hee hee (sorry, I can’t contain myself) … Texans? Wah, Waahhh (insert your favorite game show fail music here – usually a horn of some sort, sliding down several octaves. Coach’s favorite happens to be The Price is WRONG – bum bum ba-buuuuuh (Click on Link). This just in: the Bears still suck. Welcome to Shitcago, Josh Sitton. Get used to losing, you poor bastard. Maybe Alshon Jeffry can give you pointers on how to cope. Here’s hoping money CAN buy you happiness, cuz it ain’t gonna come from playing football in Chicago. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground The Badgers beat Akron as expected and for some unknown reason moved up in the polls even though no one lost. The polls are meaningless at this point and as you all know… Badger Underground advocates doing away with them altogether as a way of picking playoff teams. Let it be decided on the field! We will not bore you with the details of our perfect plan. See that in its entirety in the archives, but suffice it to say the ranking should be a forecast of how good a team is based on wins and losses to date (sort of prediction of future performance based on past performance … I know, preposterous). So we are now forced to hold our collective nose and cheer for tOSU to stomp Oklahoma and Michigan to do the same to Colorado. LSU will hopefully roll over Missy State. Such is what you have to do with the stupid system today. Although the Akron Zips (Click on Link) are ironically named after a famous war hero who was fatally injured in battle, Bucky got out of the the game with only one significant injury -- which will still test their depth, though, during the first half of the conference schedule. After a couple of near picks early, Bart Houston found a groove, connecting on a bunch of passes. Clement racked up over 20 carries in the first half before leaving with a minor ding, leaving 2nd and 3rd stringers to rack up style points for the playoff committee. The defense continued its dominance, though one wonders whether they will have an adequate pass rush against the conference elite. The jury is still out on whether the secondary is good enough against legit passing attacks. “Anyway,” maybe Bucky warrants the top 10 ranking and maybe not. Let's check things out after game 4 of the Big 10 season. If we come out of that nasty gauntlet 3-1, then we are worthy. Looking immediately ahead, we play lowly Georgia State on Saturday for the first time in history this Saturday and face an ominous 35 point spread. The storied history of the GSU Panthers (which, as you know from last week's show, are really Jaguars) started in 2010 (way back when the Jacksonville Jaguars were watched on TV – in Jacksonville). The only noteworthy thing about them is that their first coach was Bill Curry who was also the starting center for the Packers in SuperBowl I, and purportedly coached like old Vince. Badger Underground recommends setting the DVR for the Georgia State game and watching the replay following a day on a local lake or in a tree stand (good luck, bow hunters, and remember: Cutter beats Off in the deep woods!). We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game To get a victory in Minnesota, sometimes we have to be good, sometimes we have to not beat ourselves (see also, TJ Rubley), and sometimes the Vikings reveal that they simply are hardwired to self-destruct. Both teams have entered the season with a SuperBowl-or-Bust attitude. Although it’s cute that the Queens think they’re good, we are actually good and we’re too savvy to beat ourselves. So, assuming the refs keep it fair, we should be OK when we pop US Bank stadium’s cherry Sunday night. The more likely scenario is that the Vikings will choke – just as they always do in big games. In case you missed it, here is an excellent video summary of key plays (Click On Link) as broken down in real time by Football Prestige Worldwide, LLC from the last time the Queens were on the big stage, which reveals from a technical perspective why they aren’t capable of consistently playing well against talented teams that otherwise give them opportunities to win. And, to be accurate, the game Sunday night isn’t going to be the 1st big event in their “new” stadium. The venue was actually broken in on August 20th courtesy of the metal militia to promote the forthcoming 40th Metallica release, which is ironically (for Minnesota) entitled “Hardwired… to Self-Destruct.” Time to get a new back patch for my jean jacket! So, wer’re gonna win in another squeaker. Not just because the Vikings are overrated by themselves and the media types they listen to for drafting players, but also because of simple quarterback play. Now, Shaun Hill has proven that he could beat the Packers back when he was a Lion playing on Thanksgiving, and the US Bank stadium home opener in Minneapolis is sure to have similar “this is as close as we’re going to feel like a team that plays in in the Super Bowl” excitement level. But Shaun Hill is no match for Aaron Rodgers (OK, I get it, they don’t actually oppose each OTHER, but 25 points or more wins this game and ol’ Shaun doesn’t have it in him). And what if Sam Bradford plays? See above, because Shaun will come in when Sam is carted off the field ala Teddy Bridgewater. Speaking of the Gimp, the word from the twin cities is that his surgery went well. (BTW, have you ever heard a team say their star player’s surgery didn’t go well? Anyways....) In fact, according to Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff, there is no doubt that Teddy is healthy and will be ready for the playoffs (should they qualify, of course). Recent photos from Bridgewater’s therapist – the same one who turned Adrian Peterson on a lightning-fast track recovery from his ACL injury without the use of banned substances (a-hem), shows that Teddy is well ahead of schedule and might even be ready to return to action for the game in Lambeau on Christmas Eve (someone tell Hillary’s staff that this insensitive term for a date is December 24). JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Speaking of quarterback play, we are fortunate to have the best QB in the league right now. Like Teddy Bridgewater, our guy was a late 1st round draft pick, and clearly better than the QB selected in front of him (in Bridgewater's case, he was picked after the Cleveland Clowns selected Johnny Manziel -- this would be another good time to insert your favorite gameshow fail music). Bridgewater played college ball at Louisville, and our #1 draft pick played at Cal-Berkeley. But Aaron Rodgers wasn't our first #1 draft pick QB from the University of California. Oh no, that distinction goes to one Rich Campbell in 1981 -- which infamously followed a pattern by then-coach / GM Bart Starr of ignoring good advice from his knowledgeable scouts and taking bad advice from football blowhards (present company excluded, of course)... You see the Packers, like every NFL team, wanted an elite quarterback to collect numerous Lombardi trophies in the 80's. So, Midwest scout Red Cochran (great football name or beat reporter name, by the way), pleaded with Mr. Starr to draft the kid from Notre Dame in the 2nd round of the 1979 draft (Joe Montana?, I think his name was???) because of his uncanny knack to win games regardless of the score in the 4th quarter. But Bart selected a running back named Steve Atkins (no relation to anyone good in the NFL or anyone associated with a carbohydrate-free diet) from that 1979 college football powerhouse, Maryland. Subsequently, when Starr chose nose tackle Charles Johnson from, you guessed it -- Maryland (again!) in the 3rd round ahead of Montana, Cochran stormed out of the draft room majorly pissed off. So, what does this have to do with Rich Campbell and where am I going with this? Stay with me...
Two years later director of player personnel, Dick Corrick, tried to convince Bart to take Ronnie Lott from USC with the 6th overall pick, based on input from Lloyd Eaton, the Packer's West Coast scout. Eaton was a respected scout and had a reputation for being a straight shooter. (By the way, having the 6th overall pick 2 years after NOT taking Montana should tell you how terrible the Terrapin-twins draft went.) As the story goes, Corrick and Starr brought Lott to Green Bay for a pre-draft visit, which included dinner at the Town & Country Club in Allouez ("Ronnie, this is what we call a 'Supper Club' ... Would you like a Brandy Old Fashioned, Sweet or a Kitty Cocktail with a cherry?"). The dinner was a resounding success in Corrick's mind, so he made one last pitch to Starr the night before the draft and went home thinking he had convinced Bart to take Lott. However, the next morning Starr said he couldn’t ignore the input of some of his assistant coaches (not scouts, assistant coaches!) and chose to draft Campbell. The 49ers scooped up Lott soon after as their 1st round pick. When Starr announced his decision in the Packers’ draft room, Lloyd Eaton whispered to Bob Harlan, “That’s a mistake. He can’t play.” Eaton extensively studied Campbell and Lott, who had both played college ball in California. Harlan asked Eaton at that point, “Then why didn’t you speak up and say something?” Eaton responded, “They don’t listen to me anyway.” (Harlan should have known at that point what sort of GM was needed -- it took him a while, but he eventually figured it out when he went for broke to get Ron Wolf.) When the Packers got thoroughly pummeled on the field by the 49ers five years after that draft, Lott, oozing with sarcasm said to reporters after the game, “I remember I flew up there before the draft. Coach Starr was there and coach (John) Marshall had been my coach at USC. I had a feeling I was coming here. But they took Rich Campbell and had a lot of success with Rich.” ...bum bum ba-buuuuhh. If Bart would have drafted Joe Montana there’s little chance he would have selected Rich Campbell in 1981 instead of Ronnie Lott. And now, my friends, you know the rest of this Paul Harvey story. Don't blame Rich Campbell for sucking. It's not his fault that he got drafted by the Packers in the 1st round. And go easy on Bart, he still reigns as the best quarterback the Packers have ever had and he did give us multiple world championships...not to mention he's a gentleman's gentleman. But just imagine what the 80's could have been for us -- besides parachute pants, music television, and buckets full of cocaine. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Let’s be clear, we loved watching Brett Favre play, but Coach will not be dedicating the 2016 season opener to the memory of Brett Favre (click on link) just because he was inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. Any sap can do that. Rest assured, Brett will likely get a JB article about him at some point down the road (maybe when we play the Jets or Falcons or draft a quarterback from Mississippi State), but it will probably be focused more on his antics than his arm. So stay tuned for that. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme On behalf of the Packers, let Coach welcome you to the 2016 ABA Season, bringing the excitement of ABA Professional Basketball. Fast paced, high scoring and entertaining! The American Basketball Association was formed in 1967 to be a “fun league” with high scoring to counter the “boring” NBA with great defensive teams like the Boston Celtics. The ABA was noted for its goofy red, white & blue ball and ultra-cool guys like Dr. J flying through the air. The ABA still exists today!!! (click on link) Watching the old ABA is a good primer for the 2016 Packers. As of Sunday, the Packers kept a record number of 19 “Perimeter Players” (12 DB’s & 7 WR’s) and a consequently record low number of 13 total linemen to cover BOTH sides of the ball. Troublesome? Coach simply observes that football is still won and lost in the trenches. As long as Rodgers isn’t running for his life because of the crowd of rushers gushing thru the gap vacated by Josh Sitton, we “should” have a prolific passing offense. Dr. J did actually win one NBA championship, and he also was "very close" friends with the mother of a grade school friend of Coach, but let’s hope the parallels end there for A-Rod (I mean, she’s gotta be like in her late 70’s by now). We know that you’ve read all the pre-season hype about how Jordy and newbie TE Cook will open up the offense so that Davante can drop the ball in key situations; Eddie and P90X, blah, blah, blah. Coach believes that Ron Wolf was correct when he asserted September has 1’s facing 1’s, and it isn’t until the injuries of September peel back the onion to reveal roster depth in October that you can really judge a team. Given the bizarre state of the roster as of Labor Day, let’s focus on some details going into Week 1 that will no doubt shape the game. The story for this week’s battle against the Jags is their good ole’ fashioned 4-3 defense, their focus on a running offense, their maturing game manager (Bortles) at QB, and their head coach -- none other than Gus Bradley. Yes, the mastermind of the Seattle Defense that has given us so much trouble. Gus and GM David Caldwell are entering their 3rd season with Jacksonville. In an interesting aside, the Jags were purchased in 2011 by Shahid Khan, the only Pakastani-American NFL owner (and ironically also the owner of an other mediocre football team, Fulham FC of the English Premier League). For extra points, readers should try to identify who-is-whom above... Nicely done, Javon! I think you’re ready to retake the Wonderlic. But I digress… Bradley and Caldwell have been building a team in the “old school” fashion with an offense predicated on good running and an aggressive, attacking, yet simple, 4-3 defense. Packers Offense vs. Jaguars Defense: Expect to see a defense that looks much like we’ve faced in Seattle. Overall Coach thinks they were very good although statistically they were average at best in 2015, around the 20+ area in most defensive rankings. Coach points out, however, that the Jaguars’ offense was not very good, so the D was frequently in poor starting field position. They have 4 very good, very active DL that allowed them to be the lowest blitzing team @ 16%. During the offseason the Jags added Malik Jackson at DT, Tashaun Gibson at FS, and also returned Jared Odrick at DT (in order to have the league-required minimum of 1 normal first-name on the defense’s roster, and who happened to be their sack leader in 2015). Also of note was the addition of Myles Jack (he of the knee, and limited cognitive capacity) who has had a good preseason at MLB and Weakside LB. He’s listed as #2 MLB on the official Jaguars depth chart, but expect to see him at Weakside or “Will”. Related, do not expect to see Tim Tebow playing at all in the MLB. Jacksonville will probably key on Eddie and strive to hold us to less than 3.5 yds/carry. The Jags will likely play variations of Cover-2 and Cover-3 zone (like the Seahawks). Expect Mr. Rodgers to use a lot of Lacy play action (the RB, not the lingerie) in order to freeze MLB Posluszny (a former exploited youth at Penn State) and find Jared Cook in the 15-yard seam up the middle of the field; in-turn that should open up Jordy on backshoulder passes, followed by slants to Cobb and Abracadabraderis. When the Packers Defense takes the field, all Coach can say is look out… the Jags will give the Packers all we can handle in the run game. During the offseason the Jags signed Chris Ivory who has had a prolific running career so far with the Saints and Jets with a career average 4.6 yds/carry. As observant followers of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! already know, the Pack’s DC Legume (aka Capers) defense is predicated on defending the perimeter. Sometimes it just makes you want to pull your hair out (or toupee, I suppose). While this was a solid defensive concept in the old ABA and against the 3-point shot, it doesn’t leave enough beef in the middle of the field and it didn’t stop Dr. J from a running dunk through the lane. Although, in theory, the Pack runs a 3-4 D, they are almost always in a Nickel (5 DB’s), a Dime (6 DB’s), or a ??? (?Dime Plus?, or maybe a ?Quarter?) with 7 DB’s. According to ESPN stats, the Packers gave up 4.3 yds per carry in 2015 when they had fewer than three DL on the field. When we do go to the Nickel, usually it is with 2 DL and 4 LB. Capers professes that with less than 3 D-linemen, 60% of the time it works every time. Obviously the Great Legume wants the speed of the LB’s, but when they are standing up they cannot get low on run D. The two formations that Coach depicts below were featured heavily during OTA’s, Training Camp and Preseason. Both formations scream “Run up the middle!” to the other team… much as the 9’ers National Anthem-sitting quarterback did against the first formation in our three consecutive losses to SF. BTW, Colin Kaepernick scored a 38 on the Wonderlic test, but it doesn't measure good judgement. It’s intuitively obvious to the casual observer that we get much more speed on the field, and if the other team is dumb enough to throw the ball, we will have many more DB’s than they have receivers. The trouble is we are undersized in this formation and we have too many young players with questionable smarts to execute such a complicated system. Clearly McCarthy & Thompson are going all-in on our Offense quickly blowing out opponents. 2014 was loaded with boring blowouts -- usually a big turnover followed by Nelson/Cobb bombs and we'd be at least a couple of touchdowns up by halftime. Coach will concede that Capers D is perfect when up by 21 in the first half or up by 14 late in the 2nd (when the opposition is no longer running). WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like We can always count on NFL refs missing the call on an obvious 15-yard penalty that would have given the Packers great field position and an automatic first down at a key point in the game (see also, every Packers playoff loss since 1995). Brandon Ross had a nice 7 yard gain against the Queefs in the last preseason game and was blatantly spun around and yanked down by his face mask. No call. Not that any preseason game is worth a crap, but if you happened to DVR that game (as all Millennials and most Gen-Y Packer fans do), you’ll see after the very next play at the 7:45 mark in the 3rd Quarter that ARod is barking out F-bombs at the refs from the sidelines for a bogus holding call on Lane Taylor. (I guess we now know why Rodgers was cheering for Taylor so much!) No more Mr. Nice Guy, Aaron? I like the swagger. Well, no real-game blown referee calls to complain about leading into Week 1 (even the Big 12 refs calling the Carmex Lambeau Field College Classic game between Wisconsin and Louisiana State University did a commendable job), so this week’s Wednesday Taco Feature is people who say “Jag-wires” instead of Jaguars. It makes no sense. It’s not even something you could imagine as being an honest mistake. What’s the first thing you do when you hear someone say “Jag-wire”? … You look at the person next to you like “WTF, man? That dude just said Jag-wire instead of Jaguar, and it sounded stupid, right?” And the person next to you is looking at you the same way, both with smirks on your faces shrugging your shoulders. Coach knows. I will be very cross if the well-paid CBS game announcers or NBC Sunday Night Football highlight announcers or ESPN SportsCenter commentators utter the words Jacksonville Jag-wires when commenting on the game (don’t let me down, Dan Patrick). Not sure how that Jag-wire thing got started, and even more baffled why it continues. Frankly, I don’t really care about the history or idiocy of it, but when Coach thinks about some of the most annoying things that people say, “Jag-wires” is near the top of the list. Here are some others:
Before we leave this segment, I know what you’re thinking…”Coach, how can you open WTF for this year without mentioning the cut of Josh Sitton?” Well, as regular visitors to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! already know, Coach has unique access to film recorded inside the walls of 1265 Lombardi Avenue and, as a result, I can share with you footage of the actual Thompson/McCarthy final cut down to 53 (Click on Link) which should easily explain this sensible roster maneuver. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Bears fan Elizabeth Bowman died this past January (God rest her soul) and took one last shot at quarterback Jay Cutler on her way out. It’s funny, because it’s true. She had her obituary published in the Chicago Tribune. The brief write-up described her life, legacy and distain for old Gutless himself:
But I for one am willing to give Jay Cutler some credit where credit is due. Looking at his latest publicity photo, clearly the guy has done a nice job rehabbing from his phantom knee injury in the 2010 NFC Championship Game. Maybe Teddy Bridgewater should give Jay a call. (Too soon?) Coach won’t comment on the Bears signing OL Josh Sitton (to a $20.6M 3-year deal with $10 million guaranteed!) out of sympathy for him and his family. Stand up guy. Well respected in Green Bay. Go on, take the money and run. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground What a delicious win for Bucky in Lambeau Field! The Bayou Bengals were stymied on offense by a stifling D under new coordinator Justin Wilcox. They moved the ball well enough against the Tiggers and their new DC (former Badger DC) Dave Aranda. Despite some first game jitters and mishaps, we prevailed over the #5 ranked LSU Tigers. Bart Houston was serviceable and will hopefully improve. So, where did this opening day win compare to other upsets, opening day or otherwise? Badger Underground puts it at least #6 and maybe better. The Badgers are now a football powerhouse and have been solidly since 1993. There were days when Bucky was the patsy of choice for non-conference schedule padding. In those days we had some REAL upsets:
Now we have a couple practice games against Akron and Georgia State before the incredible buzz saw of a Big 10 Schedule – At MSU, At Michigan, tOSU at home and at Iowa. We have had a favorable Big 10 schedule the last few years and now it is probably payback time. Badger Underground predicts Bucky will come out of those first 4 Big Ten games with a respectable record and go on to a 9-3 season with some WTF loss down the stretch (NW, Goofs, etc). This may not be good enough to make the Big Ten Championship game (depending on how Iowa does), but it would be doing pretty darn well and we will have plenty to cheer about! ON WISCONSIN! We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Make no mistake, the Pack will win. But, just like Tommy in Little League who makes a routine fly-ball catch into an exciting drama, we will turn a “should-be-blowout” into a squeaker. Packers 27 Jagwires 24 Last year the brain trust of the NFL scheduling committee felt it was smart to give the Packers an automatic 1-0 start by pitting them against the Bears. Glad to see they were able to recognize that scheduling another cream puff opponent on the road to open the 2016 season would be a good idea. Now Jacksonville isn’t quite the Sisters of the Poor like da Bears aim to be, but it IS Jacksonville. Coach thinks of it as sorta like a 6th preseason game in terms of competition, but we get to count the W when it comes time to dole out home field advantage so that the road to Superbowl LI goes through Green Bay. Thanks, Roger! By the way, did you know that the black panther (not sexpanther Click On Link) is actually a Jaguar? It is simply the melanistic form of the cat, and if you look very closely you can actually see black spots against its dark pigment coat. Think of a black lab with a yellow lab sibling (like Coach’s dogs, “Bucky” and “Badger” … seriously). Same thing. Since that probably blew your mind, here’s more … Jaguars are occasionally found roaming in the state of Arizona! In fact, a couple hundred years ago Jaguars used to dominate the southern landscape of what we now call the United States. Apparently, there weren’t enough tree-hugging freaks around back then to advocate for a limited Jaguar hunting season as the western expansion of Eurotrash progressed, and pile on that Al Gore's great great great grandfather, Colonel Angus (click on link), blanketed large plantations across their habitat so they had to flee down toward southern Mexico -- despite the large wall that Poncho Villa built (and had the pilgrims pay for). I’m pretty sure that is historically accurate. JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Remember when Jacksonville was good? If you do, then you’re not a Millennial and you’re probably not even sure what that means. Back when the Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars broke into the NFL in 1995, they both amazingly were able to reach their respective Conference title games in just 2 short years. Of course, the Packers beat the Panthers in Lambeau on January 17, 1997 en route to their SB31 victory and 12th world championship, and the Jaguars fell to the New England Patriots on that very same day (…and if you were paying attention above, then you’d now know that BOTH Carolina and Jacksonville mascots are amazingly, in fact, Jaguars!). What you might not recall is that the Jags starting DE in 1997 was the former Green Bay Packer, Wisconsin Badger, and Manitowoc Ship – the pasty white, red-haired, Don Davey. Coach grew up in smalltown Wisconsin with Don after he moved from Rochester, NY, and we played flag football together at the Y, and then with pads on in junior high, and in high school there were 2 state championships, yada yada yada (yawn). He was the prototypical 7th grade quarterback and nose guard combination. In high school he was the skinniest kick-ass defensive lineman you could imagine, and got a free ride to Madison (pre-Barry success). Don was a straight-A student, too. Probably coulda got a free ride to Mad-town on grades alone, graduating as high school valedictorian and voted “Most likely to succeed.” But that didn’t stop him from acting just as dumb as the rest of us … I remember one time in 8th grade when we got busted by my sister for pouring “garbage cans” drawing booze from various bottles in Dad’s liquor cabinet and refilling them slightly with water (What? We grew up in Wisconsin, for chripes sake). Or the time Don and fellow high-schooler “Stuey” went to watch a Packer game at Lambeau and got busted for running out onto the field after the game. Or the time a bicycle was “borrowed” and went through a window in a Madison apartment complex as part of a drunken stupor. Good times, good times. As I recall, though, Don -- for being a behemoth of a man and borderline genius, couldn’t pound-for-pound handle his liquor quite like the rest of us native-born Wisconsinites, but we were glad to have him anyway. Now, back to Don as a Packer… Don was drafted in the 3rd round by the Packers in 1991 and he was the starting DE for 4 years before new GM and future Hall of Famer, Ron Wolf, decided to not extend him a contract offer for a 5th season in Green Bay. The newly formed Jacksonville Jaguars, with head coach Tom Coughlin of subsequent NY Giants infamy, did sign him though – for $3 million jack! Not too shabby for a guy with 1.5 sacks on his NFL resume. Don, being the gracious guy and disputed light-weight drinker that he was, immediately bought a round of drinks for everyone in the Madison bar that he was at the same night he signed with the Jags. By the way, that made Don the 1st millionaire who Coach went to school with. For what it’s worth, the 2nd is the guy that invented modern-day CGI animation and sold its use to Steven Spielberg for his famous movie about large extinct animals in Costa Rica that were cloned using DNA that was extracted from the blood in the cargo hold of female mosquitos that were petrified in amber during the Jurassic Period. That former college classmate of mine is a LOT richer than Don and all of us, combined. Ever notice that they never explained how the defunct plant forms were regenerated in Jurassic Park? It doesn’t fit the blood-preserved-in-amber premise and just seemed inconsistent with and irrelevant to the story, other than the chick was a botanist. Why couldn’t they have just made her an archeologist, too? Michael Chricton died like 8 years ago, so we can’t ask him. But I digress… Nowadays, when not spearheading lawsuits against libelous internet blogs with run-on sentences, Davey purportedly franchises Firehouse Subs and competes in triathlons. Let’s just hope he doesn’t “don” (sorry) one of those pretentious 26.2 bumper stickers or walk around in a bike shirt to pimp his business when not actually riding a bike. If you’re at Lambeau, you might see Don lined up in a yellow jacket with other former Packers to border today’s players as they jog out of the tunnel before kick-off. That’s always pretty cool. Above all, let’s remember that Don was the original “local good-guy makes Packers roster” story (at least in my lifetime) long before Peter Mortell was a twinkle in his old man’s eye. Don may not have the invincible storyline of Vince Papale’s Philadelphia Eagles journey (sorry), but both were famously in bars before NFL success and both were let go by teams that went to the Superbowl two years later. So there’s that. Congratulations, Don – we salute you! The vitals on Don Davey…
Age: 48 Height: 6’-3” Weight: 248-lbs Race: White Hair: Red Favorite colors: red & white Nicknames growing up: “Red” “Whitey” “Boner” Hobbies: competing in triathlons, reading real estate novels Favorite song: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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