In the words of Jon Anderson, co-founder of the 1968 English rock band, Yes, “One down, one to go, another town and one more show…”
Coach’s goals for The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! each week are to educate the audience about professional football in the United States of America, force you to expel a vocal laugh or snort even when you are trying to be discrete, and maybe even scare you a little. That’s a full show. So here goes…
“Sure, what the hell, give me the light beer.”
“No kidding…you guys did the Seattle game last week? Never woulda guessed that.”
“G stuffed a blunt in his jock and now he can’t find it!”
“Uh… no -- I don’t see anything wrong with your helmet. Keep playin.”
“Erin’s here today. THAT’s why I brought such a big towel.”
“This is my secret signal to Geronimo.”
“Really, Troy? You think Michael Irvin ate lots of powdered doughnuts?”
"Yeah, “Davante says I’m a real pro. I take my time, I maintain eye contact, and I swallow.”
“It’s not unsportsmanlike conduct if it’s true! Prescott had tits! I read it last week.”
“Stop picking on Dean. He’s sensitive about his dorky inbred FIB-genes face. You can make fun of him when he’s not around. And to answer your question: No, he was not Ferris Buehler’s best friend.”
Turning Japanese I think I’m turning Japanese I really think so...
“Oh, no, Jared -- we’re not letting you off that easy. It’s your turn to be ‘It’ for the prisoner game. I got him, Lane, hurry up with that thing!”
You lose, Dickhead. 48.5 million people saw it. WE are America’s team. Suck on that.
Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme
For reasons predicted/explained in plain English by Coach last week in a “Happy 83rd birthday, Bart!” salute, the Pack recreated the 1966 NFL Championship win over the Cowboys. Props to Mike McCarthy who is now 10-7 in the Post Season, one win more than Vince Lombardi’s 9-1 (OK, let’s get serious, 10-7 is nowhere close to 9-1, but it’s 10 wins nonetheless).
The box scores and fast starts were amazingly similar between the two games. In 1966 the Pack jumped out to a 14-0 lead and this year we were up 21-3 before they knew what happened. Get your highlighter out, the fast start theme is going to come up again as we discuss the Atlanta Falcons a bit later.
Both times the Pack closed with 13 points in the second half to seal the game. The biggest difference with this year was the 18-point defensive collapse in the 4th Quarter.
There are a few non-players that we need to recognize for their contributions to the win…
The first is Tom Silverstein of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Tom explained in great detail how the Packers could not possibly beat the Cowboys. Thank you, Tom, for your insight, keep up the good work!
We also need to recognize Fox NFL commentators Joe Buck and Troy Aikman for their contributions to the game. They are seen here explaining how the Cowboys should have won and how they could have won if they had played better. Oh, and how the Cowboys should have won at Lambeau in the 2014 Playoffs. Thanks for the insight guys, keep up the good work.
Finally, we need to recognize the role that Tony Romo played. He volunteered to stay on the bench for the entire game. He could have come in and dropped the hold for an extra point or field goal, but he knew the Cowboys were fully capable of losing without his contributions. After the game Rodgers sought out Romo and according to unnamed source, Donna Brazile, Aaron graciously consoled Tony saying “Glad you’re feeling better and good luck in Chicago next year. Please say ‘Hi’ to Josh Sitton for me when you get there.”
As for the game itself, the entire national media has been all over every nuance and detail of Rodgers’ “made-up” last play. No, he didn’t make it up! Yes he did! We practiced it! Blah, blah, blah. But, clearly the difference was Rodgers as the typical Capers 4th quarter defensive collapse almost cost us the game. Seemingly, the only defense we played was merely distracting the Cowboys, like a gnat that flies around your head on a hot summer night, but you ignore it so as not to distract your lady friend who you are convinced is getting just drunk enough to do that thing you’ve been hinting at. But I digress...
Jason Garrett had his hands full with problems concerning his own defense, as he is seen here imploring NFL Side Judge Jeff Bergman to get Cowboy’s Safety #38 Jeff Heath to stop rearranging his package. It was reported later that Capers actually paid Heath seven dollars to stand as close as possible to Garrett during the 4th Qtr and act in a lewd and lascivious way. Good on you, Dom! We should get you a spot on the salary cap team!
So those were the keys to victory, as Coach sees them anyway. To save you time, here is a condensed version of the impactful few plays in the game, with complementary insightful commentary, that really made a difference on Sunday.
WTF – The Coach’s take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like
Well, it was pretty darn clear that Roger Goodell summoned the referees from Dallas games of the 1990s on Sunday. It was like playing basketball at the Y with that loud, really tan, sweaty guy in the sleeveless cutoff shirt that grabs your arm when you run by him on a pick, and shoves you when you’re in the air for a rebound, and hacks you when you shoot and then says “no foul, no foul,” but then screams bloody murder when you cleanly block his shot. Davante Adams had his jersey pulled OFF OF HIS SHOULDER PAD early in the game with no call, and he was mauled again late in the 2nd Qtr on a 3rd down deep in our own territory. It was complete BS. There were also numerous blatant holds on Clay Matthews that did not get called – none worse than the one preventing a 3rd down sack of Dak Prescott in the first half that eventually ended up in them scoring. I could go on and on, but you saw them all, too. So, in addition to my strongly worded letter to Rodger Goodell regarding the need for instant replay for Pass Interference (as justified again on Sunday), I will also sternly suggest that the best referee crews be awarded playoff games, not individual referees. I’m not sure that will help, but I will feel better after I bitch (see also, Skip Bayless … Click on Link if you can stomach his delusions of Cowboys grandeur).
After spending a few short hours exploring the Arlington, TX indoor football arena called “AT&T Stadium” but more commonly referred to in jest as "Jerry World," several Green Bay Packers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely F'd-up shit in the Cowboys complex last Saturday afternoon; including a functioning crematorium, a creepy boys choir, and a gallery filled with nude sculptures of former Dallas players. "This place is just wrong," said Packers cornerback Damarious Randall, adding that tight end Richard Rodgers stumbled across an armory packed with ammunition and assault rifles as well as a concrete bunker lit by a single bare bulb and containing only a portrait of Jerry Jones on one wall. "I really wanted to check out the brand-new weight room, but all I could find was this dungeon thing filled with all this crazy bondage gear, like ball gags and stuff, but like, really small. For small people." And although he was purportedly disturbed by the stadium's sub-basement chamber in which Andy Warhol's Blow Job was playing on loop, Packers linebacker Julius Peppers said he was most sickened after discovering a glass display case containing the exquisitely preserved corpses of former Dallas quarterbacks Danny White and Gary Hogeboom.
The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof
If you frequent NFL.com like most freedom-loving Americans, you might have seen the “Top 2017 Unrestricted Free Agents” list. Bears wide receiver, Alshon Jeffry was on that list ... in fact, near the very top of that list. Besides being the only Alshon that Coach has ever encountered, he’s a big, fast receiver with quick twitch in his wiggle, and arguably the Bears’ most talented player. …and his contract is about to run out.
As players were cleaning out their lockers in Chicago (an annual Bears tradition that takes place the day after the final game of the regular season each year), a local sports reporter asked Jeffry what he thought his future was with the Bears. Alshon’s verbatim quote was “I guarantee we’re gonna win the Super Bowl next year.” The contingent of reporters in the locker room overtly chuckled under their breath at the nonsensical response, and some Bears players were noticeably annoyed by it. But think about it… if it wasn't for the preseason, the Bears could never accumulate 8 wins in one year. So what does all this mean? Well, Bears fans, clearly Alshon Jeffry is going to pull a Jared Cook and play for a different team next year – one that has a likely path to winning the Super Bowl, even if it costs him millions to do so. Burn you Bears bastards, burn.
Udder stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground
Why ruin this montage with words?
We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ - predictions for the next game
Remember when the Badgers lost the men’s basketball championship game a coupla years ago to Duke (a team they lost to earlier in the year) after beating the vaunted, undefeated team from Kentucky in the Final Four? I hope the veteran leadership in the Packers locker room does not allow a similar letdown in Atlanta after beating the #1 seeded Dallas. Like last week, the numbers are against us. Let’s look at Atlanta and the Pack over “the streak.” The numbers below are the average offensive and defensive scores by quarter for the Packers over the last 8 games: the final 6-game regular season streak and the 2 playoff wins. The Falcons numbers are similar for their last 6 regular season games and their playoff win.
On average the Pack has been up by a touchdown at halftime (15.6 to 8.6) and outscored the other guys by a two field goals in the second half to win by almost 13 points on average. One big concern though is that at the end of each half we give up points, particularly in the 4th quarter (but you know this already because you’ve been reading Coach’s weekly wisdom). The Falcons start even faster and are usually up 22.3 to 10.3 at the half, and it is essentially “game over” at that point. They outscore the opponents a little in the second half and win by over two touchdowns. Ouch, scary.
The third box contains the offensive points scored by quarter for both teams. (The Packers gave up 19.5 pts per game and the Falcons gave up 20.4 pts per game; so, even though defense wins championships, for fun let’s ignore that and compare offenses). If we compare offenses by quarter and use that to predict this Sunday’s NFC Championship game, the Falcons will be up by a TD at the half, and the Pack will close that to about 4 in the second half…wow, in a “math works” moment, the current wagering line is 4.5 points.
Does that mathematical analysis make sense when looking at the film? Well, when preparing for this week’s opponent, we scouted the Battle of the Birds last Saturday and here are a few of the key plays from the Falcons victory over the Seahawks, with insightful and colorful commentary, of course (Click on Link).
So how will be beat the Dirty Birds?
First by observing it looks like a blatant copy of the Icky Shuffle. (Look up Falcons Dirty Birds and Bengals Icky Woods if you are confused.) Give them credit. The Dirty Birds got the NFL to officially adopt the No-Fun-League motto when end-zone celebrations were banned (see also, Washington Redskins “Fun Bunch”).
No. 2 AR will start fast and we will run up the score first. This is even more imperative than against Dallas, and it will behoove us to take at least a 10-point lead into halftime. Coach thinks Atlanta blew their home-field-advantage wad last week when fans from the metro area actually showed up for, and cheered at, a Falcons game. They can’t physically sustain that 2 weeks in a row, so an early Packers lead will quiet the crowd and you will undoubtedly hear spontaneous GO PACK GO chants from the heavier set people in the stands midway through the 3rd quarter.
No. 3 We will be +1 on turnovers. Amazingly to Coach, we won a road playoff game in Dallas and we were even on turnovers. This week no drops on D, please.
No 4 We will score on either Defense or Special Teams. Micah Hyde has been playing at an all pro level recently and has 4 picks in the last 6 games, and he’s been a stud on punt returns. This is it, he’s going to the house in this game. Hey, why not make one of those interceptions a Pick 6?
No 5 Matt Ryan is over rated and should not to be feared. Any half-ass QB can put up gaudy numbers in a dome, in which he played 10 games this year (plus 2 additional near-laboratory environment conditions in games at Carolina and Tampa Bay). “Can you say anything worth noting for the game about Matt Ryan, Coach?” Well, for one thing, he looks a lot like a stormtrooper from Spaceballs, so that’s pretty neat.
And, although his past performance in playoff games against us is no guarantee of future results, it sure is fun to reminisce, eh? (Click on Link – and enjoy!) Most importantly – and the strongest evidence worth citing, a quarterback with Ryan in his name has never won, or even appeared in, a Super Bowl. So our victory this Sunday is a lock. It’s science.
No 6 The Big Legume actually schemes to stop the run (not). Coach officially gives up on Capers trying to stop anyone’s run game (or passing game for that matter). We will need the turnovers from Method Number 3 above in order to...
JB – Packer players you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them
After the 1995 season, Eugene Robinson signed with the Packers to replace George “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” Teague at Free Safety. In the 1996 season, Robinson recorded 55 tackles and led Green Bay with eight interceptions. And, of course, the Packers went on to win Super Bowl XXXI 35–21, over his hometown team, the New England Patriots -- earning Robinson his first and only championship ring.
Then again, after the 1997 season, Robinson and the Packers went to Super Bowl XXXII, however they lost 31–24, to the Denver Broncos in the Elway-helicopter game. You might recall, when trailing 24–17 in the third quarter, Robinson intercepted a pass from John Elway in the end zone, preventing Denver from building a bigger lead and setting up a touchdown on Green Bay's ensuing drive to tie the game. (He also recorded an interception of Steve Young that set up a touchdown in the Packers 23–10 win over the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC title game a week prior.) During Super Bowl XXXII, Robinson not only declared to his teammates that the Broncos were like the Colts (the worst team in football that year, but who defeated the Packers 41–38 in week 12), he also declared, "This team is not better than us; they're not even good!" His 2-year contract with was up at the end of the 1997 season and GM Ron Wolf let Eugene walk as Ron did not want to risk paying a high salary to a guy in the twilight of his career. Do you recall who replaced Robinson at Free Safety in 1998 (hint: it is dripping with irony)?
Upon departing the Packers, Robinson joined the Atlanta Falcons in 1998. During the season, Robinson recorded 46 tackles, two fumble recoveries, four interceptions, and one touchdown return, earning his third career Pro Bowl selection. After making a game-saving play in the NFC Championship game (breaking up an otherwise certain winning touchdown to Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss), Robinson made it back to the Super Bowl (the Falcons' first and only appearance) for the third year in a row, and again faced the Broncos.
The night prior to Super Bowl XXXIII, Robinson was arrested by an undercover police officer for soliciting a prostitute -- which, by all standards of normalcy, negates any and all of his professional achievements on the field. Also dripping with irony, earlier that same day, Robinson received the Athletes in Action/Bart Starr Award, given annually to a player who best exemplifies outstanding character and leadership in the home, on the field and in the community. After the arrest Robinson agreed to return the award, which further proved he was a man of high integrity and deserving of the award after all (by Liberals’ standards of normalcy).
The next day, without much sleep the night before (due to the prostitution incident and a reasonably pissed wife), Robinson gave up an 80-yard touchdown reception to Broncos receiver Rod Smith, providing the Broncos a 17-3 lead over the Falcons. Later, in the 4th Qtr, he missed a tackle on Denver running back Terrell Davis that enabled Davis to break a long run to the Atlanta 10-yard line. The Atlanta Falcons ended up losing the game 34-19, and Robinson was widely denounced by the press and fans for the previous night's incident. That’s a shame.
"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground.