Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Things could be worse. Create a Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme In just one week, Brett Hundley got his first deer kill... …sautéed the backstrap… …and took the heart out of his first Bear kill... Coincidence? Coach doesn’t think so. …as Coach predicted last week… “…we will win because they are still the Bears. ” Any time we beat the Bears it’s good and we need to revel in this victory for a few days. Let’s have a quick look at the Grades a la Bob McGinn style: Offense B: Hundley actually looked good on a few passes, racked up 212 yards, 1 TD and no interceptions for a 110.8 QB rating. We also ran for 160 yards against a very good Chicago run defense, even though we lost Aaron Jones and Ty Montgomery to injuries during the game. But Jamaal Williams came through in the rain and torn up the grass in a 2nd coming of Edgar Bennett. Bennett never liked the “mudder” label and maybe Williams won’t either, but when the weather turns cold the legend never grows old on the big lake they called 'gitche gumee'; the lake (Click on Link), it is said, never gives up her dead when the skies of November turn gloomy…well any way, you get the picture, we need a good mudder, 3.3 yards/carry never looked so good. Defense C+: We shut down Chicago’s No. 6 rushing attack and held scoring to 16. But that includes giving up 268 yards passing to a confused and marginally talented rookie and the dumb luck “pylon-touchback-challenge.” Satisfying for the day, but Coach isn’t buying it until we stop a decent offense. n.b.: New Orleans & Detroit Special Teams D+: We’ve been making the snap-and-hold an exciting play all year and Sunday was no exception. Vogel didn’t get the ball down and Crosby’s 35 yd 4th Qtr FG went wide right. Mind bogglingly, Trevor Davis also fielded a punt in the EZ and ran it out as dead coaches everywhere rolled over in their graves and we had yet another holding penalty on another punt return. On the positive side, we averaged positive net field position on the exchange of punts…first time all year. Overall: a solid C We had no turnovers and fewer mistakes than the Bears and we won. Did I mention that they really, really, really, really, really, really suck? Yes, the Bears still suck. We’ll take the W and are not looking back. In related news, Vegas has now shifted the over/under line on McCarthy’s firing from G13 to G14. Feel free to send your wagers to Coach in non-sequential C-Notes. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Man claims wife's bosom depicts image of Vince Lombardi PEACHTREE, GA–Tire salesman Orson Buggi, 43, of rural Atlanta says his wife’s mammary's are the spitting image of the Packers legendary coach from the glory years in Green Bay. “I’m not even a Packer fan” said Buggi in a southern drawl, who remarked that he first noticed’s the strange red markings in the shape of Vincent Lombardi’s face on his wife’s chest when she exited the shower after returning late from her shift dancing at the Clermont Lounge in old-town Atlanta. Skeptics scoffed at this Hooter’s style Shroud of Turin, but Buggi says he doesn’t care if people believe him or not. “It’s already starting to fade.” he said. “After we get drunk and go motor-boating at the lake this weekend it will probably look like someone else.” In the past, Buggi has also claimed to have had French toast that looked like Hillary Clinton in a pant suit and a boil resembling Gary Berghoff (a.k.a. “Radar O’Reilly) of M*A*S*H fame. ADVERTISEMENT-Hi, I’m Jim and I lost 15 pounds on NaturalSystem! As Michigan’s head football coach, it can be hard for me to find time to eat a sensible meal. And when I started losing lots of games … I started gaining lots of weight. Just like you, no matter what I tried I just couldn’t seem to shed the pounds. But since I’ve begun only been eating NaturalSystem’s meat-like bars with real food flavor, the fat is just melting away. I exercise more, I need less sleep, and I’ve got so much more energy! And it’s especially great for guys like me, who don’t cook their food! You, too, can lose the weight you’ve always wanted to lose – just like Jim, by ordering NaturalSystem bars. Order online now and get NaturalSystem’s Thanksgiving bird-flavored meat bar for half off, plus free shipping! That’s right, you’ll get 2 incredible fat-burning meat bars for the price of 1, delivered right to your door. That’s a $14 value. Just use the PROMO CODE “KHAKI” in the box when you checkout online. Don’t delay, order now! The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Even when we are at our worst, the Bears suck worser. Trivia quiz Sports Fans, name is the only team in NFL history to win a challenge that costs them the game? Ding, ding, ding…correct! The Bears! With the Pack leading 10-3 in the 2nd Qtr., the Bears were driving for the first time in the game. On 3rd and 13 from the 25, Mitch Tebowbisky threw a short swing pass to Benny Cunningham who made it to the 2-yd line while flying out-of-bounds superman-style. Bears Coach, and Packer Fan, John Fox challenged the call on the field of OB at the 2 because the end zone pylon moved. After a short replay delay, the Zebras came back with a ruling: Yes, Cunningham did in fact hit the pylon before his knee hit the ground… …BUT >>> wait for this >>> the ball was loose, so rather than a TD, it was the equivalent of fumbling the ball into the Endzone… touchback ... Packers ball at the 20-yard line. So instead of 10-10 it remained 10-3 and the Packers had the ball. That 7-point differential held until the 23-16 final score. …that noise you heard was the collective exhalation of all 43 Bears fans who attended the game, as the Referee’s foot, Cunningham’s fumble and Fox’s blunder created a nexus with their shrunken cajones!! As discerning readers of this publication know, the Pack now has 8 wins in a row at Lambeau Field South! For the moment, let’s just soak it all in and bask in the complete dumpster fire that inhabits Lambeau Field South (LFS). As you can see in the foreground, the Chicago Park District has been granted temporary loan of the Vince Lombardi Statue from Lambeau Field North (LFN). Under terms of the agreement, the statue must remain at LFS until the Bears franchise is no longer an embarrassment to the NFL and the City of Chicago. The easiest path to this outcome is if the McCaskey family sells the team. A more likely path is for Jay Cutler to be named General Manager and Head Coach. It is unknown at this time if the rumor is true that the Packers will move balance of their 2017 home games to Lambeau Field South. Packers Coach Mike McCarthy said “Well, I can’t comment on internal discussions…” and added later “…this is the only place that Brent has won a game and I always seem to suck as a coach in Green Bay….” Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger underground Bucky, Don’t screw this up! Despite all the griping and Rodney Dangerfield comparisons, Bucky is sitting pretty at #5 in the CFP. If they play D like they did against the Hogeyes, they will be unbeatable. As you know, Iowa hung 55 points on ESPN darlings Ohio State the week before but were shut on offense at Camp Randall and could only muster 66 yards total offense against our banged up but inspired D. If we beat the Weasels this weekend, which we should and roll through the Gopher hole next week, which will will, we will be 12-0 and probably in the top 4. It’s almost a sure thing… …this of course reminds us of that time of the big party that we all recall vividly aside from the murdered brain cells sacrificed in the name of high octane home brew and Absinthe. The wife, she invited a bunch of friends and so did you. A friend in your gang hooked up with a hottie in her gang and well one thing led to another. As your buddy was ducking out to catch an Uber to some undisclosed location with said female, your guys shout encouragingly to him in unison, “Don’t screw it up!” That’s how we collectively feel about the Badgers right now. Anyways, we are starting to think the Badgers are better than their #5 ranking and we can prove it through simple transitive logic… We beat Iowa Iowa beat Iowa State Iowa State beat the Sooners and their fancy TV ratings offense The Sooners clobbered Ohio State in Columbus Iowa Beat the snot out of Ohio State Ohio State is liked by ESPN, and is their Big 10 candle amongst their SEC allegiance ERGO, Bucky is better than Oklahoma and Kirk Herbstreit can blow it out his poop chute Also, We beat Northwestern Northwestern beat Michigan State Michigan State beat Penn State Penn State is Liked by ESPN, especially that Sequan “Heisman” Barkley So THERE. Documentary Crew’s Night Vision Camera Captures Inquisitive Jim Harbaugh Poking Lens ANN ARBOR, MI—During an on campus visit to the University of Michigan for interviews leading up to the big game in Madison on Saturday, the FOX technical crew captured an incredible unplanned shot of head coach Jim Harbaugh using a static night vision camera positioned on the practice field Wednesday evening. “The camera first captured him coming onto the field at 2:30 a.m., but he was just rapidly pacing and dropping down for push-ups,” said director Felicia Comerford, who revealed that Harbaugh then froze, narrowed his eyes, and intently studied the camouflaged camera that he had spotted in pitch-black darkness 120 yards away from him. “Then he suddenly burst toward the camera in a full sprint. He was on it in seconds. He apprehensively circled around it several times and then disappeared off camera, popping up two seconds later inches in front of the lens, sniffing it, poking it with his finger, and then licking it.” Comerford added that the magnificent shot even tops the stunning and unexpected footage they captured the previous day of a pacing Harbaugh suddenly tearing into a freshman linebacker. And from the cutting room floor, this piece recorded Thursday will not be aired by FOX during the pregame or halftime shows owing to time restrictions. But Badger Underground was able to recover it for your additional insight… Harbaugh to doctors: Shock therapy? Yes, please! ANN ARBOR, MI–Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced seizures, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh was reportedly disappointed Thursday upon learning that his electroshock therapy session was over so soon. “Oh, is our time up already?” Harbaugh was overheard saying as Dr. Leo Marvin carefully removed electrodes from his forehead that were used to deliver dozens of 480-volt shocks over the course of his 45-minute session. “These sessions are my favorite part of the week, but they always seem to go by so quickly. Well, I’m looking forward to picking this up where we left off when I come back next time.” Harbaugh added that he considered the moment during the session when he began uncontrollably vomiting to be a “real breakthrough” in his treatment. Hard to believe they’re not going to release that! Regarding the actual game, though, our prediction for Saturday, considering a blustery, cold opening to deer season we predict a lowish scoring affair with Bucky prevailing 20-6. We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ - predictions for the next game “Playoffs?” … Cue Jim Mora …”Playoffs?” Yes, local talk radio was abuzz this week with discussion of playoffs. Coach isn’t going to weigh in on probabilities, but he will lay out the picture for you, let’s assume that: …you need to be 10-6 to make the playoffs as a Wild Card Team… …AR returns, at the earliest predicted date and he is the QB for the final two games 0f 2017; Home on Dec 23rd against the Queens and New Year’s Eve in Daytwa… …AR wins both of those games… …which means we need improve from our current 5-4 to 8-6 by the time No. 12 is back. Can Brett Hundley go 3-2 over the next 5 games? In an effort to continue the education of you, the loyal reader, Coach will now explain one of the more obscure Defensive Statistics of the NFL: “Opponents Plays/Punt”. Think of it this way, the more I stop you, the more I force three-and-outs, the fewer plays you have per drive and you punt more often. This statistic simply measures how many plays you allow between punts. Low is good, high is bad. In what should be no surprise to anyone who follows the Pack, we are dead last, numero trentadue for the total year, and over the last three games our worst-in-the-NFL 20 plays/punt dropped to 25 plays/punt. We simply cannot stop the other team. This is also reflected in our -5.0 point differential over the last three games, which is good for 20th in the league. Baltimore is not a powerhouse team invading Lambeau, but they are 15th in Opponents Plays/Punt and No. 8 in Point Differential. Of course these Stats don’t prove anything, but they do say that 4-5 Ravens have performed somewhat better than the 5-4 Packers in 2017. But who cares? The Packers are gonna win anyway!! Why, because it is opening weekend of the “Gun Deer” season in SconnieLand and… …the Packers always do great when they are playing at home on opening weekend, and… ….every red-blooded buck will have his gun in-hand on Saturday morning…for Bambi tells us so. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them It was the year of our Lord 19 hundred and 79…Bart was in his 5th year of Coaching and this Coach was new in town, young, single, good looking and living the Courvoisier life! Packer games every Sunday and bratwurst seven nights a week. Bart Starr retired in ’71 and was the QB Coach in ’72, the last time the Pack made the Playoffs with Bart on the sidelines. After Vince left Bengston, Devine and Starr each had their chance to run the franchise into the ditch (from Bengston thru Infante, each one of them had a worse winning % than the guy before). Certainly a hero like Starr could lead us to the promised land of a Super Bowl victory. Or could he? To be sure, Starr has always been revered in Green Bay, and it was no different then, but by 1979 the fans were growing restless. 1975, ’76 and ’77 were awful years and 1978 finally was a bit of sunshine at 8-7-1, so 1979 the entire Packer nation was full of hope and expectation that this would be the year of victory! However, 1979 didn’t start very well and the Packers were 1-3 when Dandy Don Meredith and Howard Cosell came to town for the first-ever Monday night football game at Lambeau. The New England Patriots were heavily favored and were expected to destroy the Pack. In one of the stupidest moves of Coach’s entire life…I turned down an offer of a free ticket to that game. Coach was deluded in thinking that his new job at the big toilet paper mill in town was actually more important than going to the game…how stupid I was. As it turns out, Coach lived just down the street from Lambeau, so when he got home from said “important” work, he opened the window and had a view of the lights and more importantly the roar of the crowd as he watched the Pack stun the Pats on his crappy little TV.
Two days later, on Wednesday, October 3rd, 1979, Coach’s life changed forever. While out on an evening run up Onieda street, another runner popped out of one of the side streets and we literally bumped into each other. And who was the other runner? None other than Bart Starr hisself. Coach and Coach Bart had a nice run for a half a mile or so and a really nice chat. Coach Bart asked for a few tips on defense so Coach Clarahanson naturally was happy to oblige. That day started a firm and lasting friendship between Coach and Coach. Whenever Coach sees Coach on TV or at Lambeau Field, Coach always waves to Bart. You can tell he’s a close friend, because he always waves back. P.S. Coach asked Bart if he had any tips, and Bart replied: “Why yes, yes I do… Just always remember, the Bears really do suck.” Nice!
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9/6/2023 12:13:01 am
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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