Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Redemption! Thursday night Richard Rodgers showed Notre Dame Fighting Irish alum, Golden Tate, how to actually catch a Hail Mary pass and, in the process, crushed Tate with 2,000 pounds of irony. Click on link___ Irish Irony The Lions should not get too distraught about the way that game ended, though. In fact, they really should have expected it. Not because they are perennial losers and just plain pathetic, but because they are the yin and we are the yang of the NFL (go ahead, look it up - it's true). Click on link___ same old same old Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme In a tough compromise of "What to watch?" on Thursday night, I decided to focus my sights on the entire Packer game. I forfeited a chance during the first 3 quarters to watch paint dry, and I clearly made the wrong choice. Well, it certainly was an inauspicious start to the Cryons game. Typically level-headed Packer fans were gathering their torches and pitchforks early, calling for the firings of Capers (well, that's every week), but also for automatic-McCarthy and untouchable-Ted Thompson. Mark Murphy was sifting through his Contacts looking for John Schneider's phone number before the half ended. Down 17-0 in the 2nd quarter, Crosby hits the upright. I began debating if I should bother watching the 2nd half, or slam my face into the corner of a door jam and punch myself in the nuts, and then just call it a night. 3rd quarter starts ... Lions get the ball and run screen plays over and over because we can't defend it, and they matriculate the ball down the field for an easy 3. CBS shows Polaroid photos of the game's commentators from when the last time the Lions swept the Packers 24 years ago (BTW, Tracy Wolfson was a lot hotter in high school, which woulda been some guy's "married my high school sweetheart" mistake ... just sayin). Crosby's 2Q miss seems meaningless at this point... By the middle of the 3rd quarter, every receiver is double covered (still) and we can't gain any yardage on the ground. ...And that's when it happened... MM says to himself, "What would Mike Holmgren do?" The answer was crystal clear: "Make adjustments, dipsh!#." So we start calling plays that we've never run in games before -- a.k.a. unscouted looks (see the Ice Bowl relevance at the bottom of this week's JB section), and we inserted players off the bench like Crockett and Abbrederis -- like it's the preseason or something. The Lions look confused. Up until that point, it seemed like they knew every play we were going to call. It helped, too, that we started to run the REAL "hurry up" offense (not just a "no-huddle" offense). The Lions started to get gassed. Starks does his best impression of Ken Stabler near the goal line, Cobb falls on the ball in the end zone, and viola! our "scoreless" drought ends ironically at 69 minutes. After Peppers knocks the rock out of Stafford's hand on the ensuing possession, we're back in bidness. How'd we score? Another unscouted look! We put Adams in motion so he couldn't get jammed at the line and gave him a seam route. Clever, Clements. What took you so long? A-Rod runs another TD in later and now you know the rest of the story. So here's the skinny: we need Eminem and his offensive coordinator(s) to diversify their play calling and abandon the stubborn approach of running plays that they think should work, but don't (Coach particularly hates the -2 yard sideline pass to a tight end or wide out that always kills drives).
WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like Our pot-smoking, tree-hugging, place kicker from Colorado, Mason "Tickleshits" Crosby, refuses to make game winning field goals against the Detroit Lions. Recall he Charlie Brown'd a game winning attempt in Lambeau 3 weeks ago (AAUGH!), but then remarkably set an NFL record the following week by making five 40+ yarders in a freezing cold Minnesota game. Sure, the glorious Rodgers-to-Rodgers connection won the Lions game Thursday night, but that play wasn't even necessary if Crosby does his job in the 2nd quarter. When asked why he doinked that chip shot in the cozy confines of the Jason Hanson FordDome, a bitchy Mason puffed his chest out and aggressively grandstanded that "Detroit is too big to fail and we should feel sorry for them and their organizational ineptitude, regardless of their several decades of bad decision making and refusal to deal with the competitive landscape evolving around them. Somebody has to bail them out, despite their lack of production and inflated wages. What's fair is fair, isn't that what America is about? I think everybody in this league should get a piece of what was earned by those who sacrificed most, worked the hardest, and outperformed the rest. We really should give 1 of our many Lombardi trophies to the Lions, and probably 1 to the Vikings, too." He later lamented that he wished he could think of a metaphor for all that. In Crosby's "Rainbow Land" the Bears would get to keep their 1 trophy because that's all they have. After leaving the interview, unreliable sources confirmed that Crosby was overheard commenting to those in his entourage that he was impressed with the sizable influx of Middle Eastern Muslims in the Detroit area, and that he's hopeful more radical Islamic immigrants will come over soon. WTF? Is he a terrorist? Is he an Al-Qaeda? Who knows? The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Just when you thought the Bears are on to something, it turns out they still really suck. After tanking the game at home against the 49ers, QB and team leader Jay Cutler emphasized to Bear fans that they never makes the playoffs anyway and this loss means they'll get more ping pong balls come draft day. Heartthrob kicker Robbie Gould choked TWICE on chip shot field goals -- the 2nd miss was WAAAYYYYYYYY wide left as time expired in regulation. I noticed that during the coin toss for overtime, the head referee had to explain the rules for overtime to the players. As professional football players, shouldn't they already know the rules of the game? I know the overtime rules. I'm pretty sure you do, too. Neither of us are NFL players, yet we know the rules ... why don't they? Are they twits? Even though they lost (as usual) in laughable fashion to the forty-whiners in overtime on Sunday, it is undeniable that the Bears' play has improved over the course of the year (it only had one direction to go, I suppose). Chicago beat-writers credit the John Fox coaching staff with implementing "outside-the-box" innovative new methodologies in their practices this year, which purportedly have resonated really well with the players and have on occasion resulted in what Bears management refers to as “not-losses.” Coach knows a guy from Illinoise that took footage of Bears training camp this past August (open to the public), but to be honest -- other than the hokey decathlon-style, staged "obstacle course" competitions, I haven't really noticed a difference in their training techniques from years prior. But you can view the video and judge for yourself... Click on link___ Fox 2015 Training Camp Footage Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground As we get ready to go Bowling in San Diego on December 30th against the University of Spoiled Children, let's celebrate the best of getting ready for previous Badger football games in 2015... More in-depth pre-game analysis of the upcoming Holiday Bowl matchup between the Badgers and the Trojans in the upcoming weeks... Spoiler alert, the Big Ten will remain the sole conference of the National Champions since the implementation of a true college football playoff system. MSU will squeak by AL in a close matchup, and will out defend the winner of the OK/Clemson game. Next year, Bucky goes to Indy for a crack at it, too. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Packers injury report: During the receiver's portion of post-game press conference in Detroit, Jared Abbrederis revealed to reporters in an opening statement that he (as reported by TMZ) is indeed the illegitimate son of former NFL quarterback Chris Chandler -- the result of a "last hurrah" as a Buccaneer when in town to play the Packers before being sent to Phoenix. When the dust settled from that bombshell, getting back to football Post-Crescent sports editor Gabe "Ears" Nonamacher asked Jared how it felt to be back out on the field contributing to the team -- and then Abbrederis tore his left meniscus while leaning into the microphone to respond. Concerned teammate James Jones immediately jumped up and went to Jared (sorry) to help him down from the podium, but dropped him - rupturing Jared's spleen. A timetable for Abbrederis’ return is not yet known, but will likely be longer than what all medical professionals would expect. Chandler could not be reached for comment as he recovers in Palm Springs from an unrelated sprained elbow, a debilitating hangnail, and really chapped lips. Speaking of injuries, considering the injury-riddled Cowboys and the passion they continue to play on with, one can't help but draw parallels of their story to that of the Oscar winning film, Brokeback Mountain... Those Cowgirls beat the even more inept Washington Foreskins on Monday night. Amazingly, Dallas at 4-8 are only one game out of first place in the woefully awful NFC East (where the other teams, including the Bronx Midgets and the Philadelphia Feebles, are all 5-7). The Cassel-lead / Homo-less (sapien) Cowboys will do everything in their power to revenge last year’s playoff loss at Lambeau...but karma is a funny thing. The Packers have one of the strongest rosters in the NFL, even after all of the injuries at every position group except DL. They have not been playing like it, but TT has indeed assembled a roster that is truly deep and Coach expects those guys to shine this week. The frustration with the offense has been high, but expect a power running game with Crocket and Starks to light up Lambeau and Richard Rodgers catching more balls up the seam to drive the offense. This will open up the play action game to keep Mike backer Sean Lee honest. A mobile Rodgers might move the pocket a bit, too, which is where he can do a lot of damage against pocket rushers. The offense will have their most productive game of the year. Defense and Special Teams will get in the act with a plus-2 turnover ratio and at least one TD from D or ST. The only thing Coach doesn’t know is whether one week is enough to cure Eddie’s rectal-cranial inversion...Coach would like to see Eddie inactive for a week to emphasize the message that NFL careers are short. Final: GB 35 – CG 13 First, let’s be clear, Coach doesn’t give a rat’s patutey about the AFL, or even the AFC for that matter. It’s still a bunch of half-assed expansion teams (with 3 exceptions --- trivia question for another time), and Coach feigns passing interest if only to see who the Pack will face in SB L. Coach would like to have a 1st Round Bye, which means the playoffs start now. Have a gander at the currently projected playoff seeding, a.k.a. “if the playoffs started today” (it would be January, and I'd be drinking the yield of that homebrew kit my wife wrapped up and hid in the basement so I wouldn't see it before Christmas/Kwanza/Hanukah), courtesy of CBS Sports website. As much as Coach loves the idea of the Seachickens coming to Lambeau for a playoff game (we always beat them at home), Coach would rather they show up here in the 2nd Round. Click on link___Packers Beat Down Seahoax at Lambeau to Advance to 2008 NFC Championship Game The Pack needs to win-out to get the 1st Round Bye:
We have the talent, now let’s show that we can do it as a team. If you want to waste thousands of hours looking at scenarios, have fun with the ESPN playoff calculator: http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/machine The good news is that the Pack are at least in the playoffs in all scenarios except one (the "Illinois lottery" scenario). JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them The top 5 games against Dallas, says me: #5) ’66 Championship GB 34 - CG 27 Jan 1st, 1967 Cotton Bowl Dandy Don Meredith of MNF fame actually played football as well, and he had the Cowgirls driving for a score late when he was intercepted by CB Tom Brown to seal the win and propel the Packers to the AFL-NFL Championship game, where the Pack would beat down the Chiefs 35-10 #4) “Matt Flynn Bowl” GB 37 - CG 36 Dec 15th, 2013 Jerry’s World With AR still recovering from a busted wing, the Pack were big dogs in this game. But trusty Matt came thru overcoming a 26-3 halftime deficit. The Pack went on to humiliate the Bears in Week17 and win the NFC North and this game ultimately drove the CG out of playoff contention. Did Coach mention that the Bears still suck? #3) “Whiners” GB 26 – CG 21 Jan 11th, 2015 Lambeau A year later they are still whining about Michael Irvin’s dropped pass (oh wait, Dez Bryant), even though (1) they shouldn’t have been in the game in the first place (the NFL admitted that the refs missed a blatant hold on NDonkeyKong Suh on a crucial fourth-down conversion from Tony Homo to Jason Quwitten with 6 minutes left in the previous week’s wild-card game with Detroit), (2) the NFL reviewed the Bryant drop after the game and declared it the correct call, and (3) the Packers were moving the ball and scoring at will against the Cowgirls in the 4th Q and there was plenty of time left in the game for Green Bay to easily score. In the Jone’s era Dallas has a hard time with understanding rules, class, dignity, character, and reality. #2) “Finally” GB 45 – CG 17 Nov 23rd, 1997 Home Cooking What a feeling! (Cue FlashDance Sound Track) Opening weekend of deer hunting and finally a home game against Dallas. After losing 8 straight games at Texas stadium, including the ’95 NFC Championship, the Packers finally get the hated Cowgirls in Lambeau and fun ensues. Dorsey Levens contributed 190 yards rushing as the Pack piled on 35 unanswered points. #1) “Ice Bowl” GB 21 – CG 17 Dec 31st, 1967 Lambeau Write this one down in your trivia book for several reasons. Yes the Pack beat the Girls on a Bart Starr QB sneak in what is widely thought of as the best game in NFL history (although the media in NYC still like to claim that the ’58 OT Championship where the Baltimore Colts prevailed 23-17 in OT was the “Greatest Game”, as this was the first nationally televised NFL game and considered the beginning of the modern sports era). Yes, this was the third NFL Championship in a row for the GBP (’65, ’66, ’67) and, yes, the Cowgirls were favored going into the game and, yes, they wanted revenge for the ’66 loss and, yes, the Pack went on to play Oakland in SB Dos. But let’s dig a little deeper on the trivia from the Ice Bowl:
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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