Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach wants to thank the countless loyal readers who have reached out with well wishes and financial support during The Show!!!'s recent legal battle with CNN. I'm happy to report that Coach has been legally and completely exonerated by 9th District Circuit Court judge, Jenine Politano, as she ruled there was insufficient evidence that The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! illegally rode the coat tails of the plaintiff's infamous "Fake News" format. Citing a 1988 Supreme Court ruling from Falwell vs Flint, Politano referred to what she called "obvious sarcasm to one skilled in the art" and then subsequently went on to suggest that CNN head legal counsel, Hugh Jass, "get a life." Now, on with The Show!!!... Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Well the Defense certainly showed up in Week 1! They dominated on play numero uno, and didn’t let up all game. Some say the emotional “beat down” by sports reporters over the past year didn’t sit well with defenders, and they wanted to prove doubters wrong. But Coach has acquired top secret footage of young Elliot Wolf putting players on notice and firing up the D prior to kickoff, which likely had more of an immediate impact (Click on Link). Officially, Week No. 1 is in the books and we are 1-0 baby! No apologies for the win!! As MM predicted on Wednesday before the game, it really was a heavyweight title fight, with the game hanging in the balance until the 4th Quarter when AR & the Boys took over. The Pack have now won 3 in a row against these idiots in blue-teal/safety green(?) and are 13-8 all-time vs. Seattle. To the fan of 2000’s this may have been a boring, low scoring affair. With zero teams actually playing in the Pre-Season anymore, it’s no surprise that both Offenses struggled and both Defenses excelled. Martellus Bennett was on the field for over ¾’s of the Packer’s Offensive plays and AR compensated for the lack of a run game with outstanding use of the short passing game. The Pack came close to doubling up the SeaTurds in Time-of-Possession (TOP), which is virtually unheard of outside of FBS Div 1 Non-Conference play. Glad to see Mitch McCartny used the Hurry-up Offense more judiciously than in years past – based on opponent and game conditions, and not just running it because it’s neato. More importantly to Coach, this team is developing a personality of toughness. In the 4th Quarter, with the Pack trying to close out the game, No. 12 took off running and slid head first for the 1st Down. Seattle DT KJ Wright hit Aaron in an iffy, but technically legal, way. Coach, really, really liked what happened next (Click on Link) … new guy Martellus Bennett de-cleated Mr. Wright and pointed out he was wrong to take a shot at our guy. To Coach this was a great way to start the season and Ted also thought this was an excellent adventure. Apparently so did Jeremy Lane of the SeaTurkeys. Early in the 1st Quarter he was escorted from Lambeau Field for violating WI State Law prohibiting consumption of cannabis. SeaIdiots Coach Pete Carroll was incensed at the removal of Mr. Lane from the Contest. Referee John Parry was overheard saying “come on for Pete’s sake, I saw the cloud when you rolled up this morning. You’re lucky I don’t have your whole team urine tested…do you realize that you are not in Washington? Now quit whining and go back to pretending that you are a coach.” When former Packers heavyweight Eddie Lacy was asked for comment about the Lane ejection, he responded “I dunno, does Sam Shields still live in town? Maybe I’ll head over there to relax after I chug this Gatorade.” Be that as it may, it was a great start. If A-Rod, Bennett, and Daniels keep it up, they, too, could earn the spoils of the Mayor of Cheeseopolis … you REALLY gotta see this (Click on Link)!!! Closing thoughts on the keys to victory in Sunday’s contest are best represented by the words of the players themselves, as the stars were mic’d-up by Coach… [“Look, Steve, I’m not sayin’ it’s Lowry, but somebody out there is dropping ass big time. Seriously, guys can’t breath out there!”] [“...all’s I’m saying is, if any of you guys has to fart…just turn around so it doesn’t face me.”] [“That one ought to knock you back.”] [“Smell THAT!”] [“…plus one more for the road! Wooooo!”] [“Hey, wait a minute, what about the old Stinkeroo?” (Click on Link)] WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like Boy or boy the refs really stunk ’er up at Lambeau on Sunday. (Are you sensing a theme this week? Remind me to tell you a stinky joke later…) Coach was watching Dickless Sherman play grabass with our receivers 15-yards downfield while the ball was in the air on just about every pass. If it’s obvious to me, being up 37 rows, why can’t the ref right in front of the players make the call? Sure, Jimmy Graham was mugged in the corner of the end zone, but that ball was WAY uncatchable. Anyone in the stadium could see that. Sure Lane was ejected for no good reason, but we are still owed about 10 more Seattle ejections for the Fail Mary game. Anyway, here’z da joke… Back in high school I wuz makin’out atta pardy wit ‘Loose Lisa’ and she says to me: “Hey, Coachie, kiss me where it stinks!” So I took her to Kaukauna. Here’s a bad call made on Sunday: fan in a Packers jersey shows up at Lambeau with a man-bun. C’mon, man, if you’re going to the Packers game, don’t put your hair up in a man bun. What’s worse, don’t you dare wear Packers attire with that fricken statement of wussiness on your head. Stay home until you grow a pair, you douchebag. You are an embarrassment to real men and real Packers fans, and we hate you. Speaking of dumbasses at Lambeau, who are these idiots that started the wave when the game was close late in the 4th Quarter -- and WE had the ball? (I bet they didn’t even know the wave was invented by fans in Seattle. #Kingdome) In case you missed prior episodes of The Show!!!, Coach expressly forbids all forms of wave generation at 1265 Lombardi Avenue during sanctioned competitions. In the post-game press conference, even Eminem and A-Rod chastised these dolts for “cheering” when we were on offense. Act like you’ve been to a game before… You’re don’t live in L.A., you live in Wisconsin, dammit, act like it you morons. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Time to honor our FIB neighbors to the south. Do you know where the word “Chicago” comes from? It doesn’t mean “excellence” or “pristine” or “elegant” or “regal” or anything like that. No, the hard truth is that it comes from the European settlers who found the stench of the local area to be very repugnant from the onion patches that sprawled across the flat land. These mildly retarded pioneers were duped by local Indians into thinking the word for smelly onion patch was “chicagoua” but in fact the indigenous people were poking fun at the settlers because that word was actually their name for a native garlic plant. So, you could say “The Bears still suck!” or “Chicago stinks!” … either way, you’d be right. You’re welcome. Oh, and how did their football team do? Well, let’s have a look… This year the schedulers really favored the NFC North to start the 2017 season. All 4 teams in division played their first game on their home field! So, let’s take inventory after Week 1…
They had it all right there in the hairy palm of their hands: 1st and goal, from inside the 10-yd line with 20 seconds to go, at home, and down by 6. What a perfect way to beat the defending NFC Champions and make a statement that the Bears are back! All they needed to do is cross the goal line and they’d win, but alas… a dropped pass in the end zone, and then another, and another, and then a sack. This just in, the Bears still suck (#Chicagostinks). Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground This week’s Badger Underground commentary brought to you by Big Lenny’s Term Insurance Brokerage. Do you have 3 ex-wives, and your current trophy wife that you met on Tinder wants a life insurance policy that’s 3-times the size of the policies you had to purchase for your previous mistakes? If so, call Coach's term provider “Big Lenny” at 800-DIG-GOLD. Lenny is intimately familiar with your problems, and if you're 40 to 59 years old and in reasonably good health, a $1 million policy should cost you only about $200 a month! Call now and remember, Big Lenny is just like you (except he's only on number two). Last Saturday Bucky took care of business in a ho-hum affair in which they failed to beat the point spread of 469. The Badgers won 31-14 over the FAU Owls who were looking over their shoulder with Irma bearing down. Maybe we went a little easy on them. No problem. Barry and company graciously offered the Owls digs in Madison to ride out the storm. The whole of Madison stepped up with the red carpet treatment (Isla Fisher’s red carpet matches her drapes, just sayin). The Badger squad treated the neophyte Owls to a training session on the finer points of cow tipping down by the Ag School. Fun fact: this was the first time ever at UW for cow tipping in broad daylight with all sober people. After a casual 15-20 pitchers or so of high octane Wisconsin micro-brews on the terrace, the group (now with cowshit-laden Owls) made their way up State Street. After a stop at Zorba’s for a gyro eating contest, details get sketchy. There are reports from the Cardinal Bar and O’Cayz of some local talent inviting the bewildered Owls to various shots of Jagger and worse. Our crack investigative unit uncovered police reports from the Mifflin Street area at around 3 AM involving burning couches, and another naming one Lane Kiffin in some sort of altercation at the Essen Haus (details withheld because what happens in Madison, stays in Madison). Moving on to our second Utah team in 3 weeks, this week’s matchup doesn’t carry quite the buzz that it did a few weeks ago when there were some rather significant unknowns about BYU’s 2017 team, although the locals in Provo might disagree. The Cougars return a very stingy defense that could make things difficult for the Badgers’ offense. Earlier this week, the concern was that the Badgers could be without both starting guards. A scenario whereby BYU’s pass rush racked up some hits, sacks & turnovers on Joe Willie Hornibrook came to mind—not dis-similar to what Brian Bulaga’s no-show meant to Aaron Rodgers last Sunday vs. the Seahawks. The only way BYU beats WI is if their defense scores. It now appears as though RG Benzschawel will play Saturday, bringing stability back to the offensive line. Moving on to the next item on the offensive wall of worry is the issue of dropped passes. How many times did you hear Barry Alvarez say over the years that the biggest improvement in a football team was from week 1 to week 2? Dropsies continued to be too plentiful last week. Still got some work to do cleaning that up. Shaw should be back at RB, which means no more getting stuffed at the goal line in short yardage this week. BYU’s top running back and QB from the last few seasons are now on NFL rosters (both were in Green Bay 2 weeks ago). The backfilling process has not gone well. The Badger Underground would be sorely disappointed if their offense scores even one touchdown on Wisconsin’s impenetrable defense, unless it is set up by a turnover by Wisconsin’s offense deep in their own territory. Recognizing their offensive challenges, the BYU coaching staff – including Offensive Coordinator and former Packers clipboard holder Ty Detmer – this week allotted first team snaps to a relatively unknown, un-scouted walk-on QB, Jim “Rico” Swarthow, returning from an extended 12-year Mormon mission. With a Ted Tedford-inspired delivery, he is alleged to have a strong arm (Click on Link) that could give the Badgers secondary fits. Beware of a trap game!! We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game You saw, have read and have heard about how well the defense did against Seattle. We must give them credit for holding the SeaLampreys to 9 points, but next week in Atlanta will be a much stiffer test. More on that further below. The primary thing we need to point out is that Mike and the boys have discovered Coach’s Keys to Success in Football and the Pack are in the right place coming out of the gate. Although we’re only one week into the season, and it’s way, way too early to get excited about stats, Coach will expose you to the following three tables of statistics anyway… …doing well on these stats does not guarantee a Super Bowel by any means, but being out of the Top 5 greatly diminishes the odds of hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in February. First, as Coach explained ad nauseum in previous episodes, scoring more points than the other guys is one of the keys to sustained success. Show below is the ranking for point differential. (Hint: High is good here.) This next ranking is very highly correlated with keeping the other guys from scoring. There are now marital arts courses for training in this technique. Turning back to the NFL, the next ranking is for Defensive Points Allowed. (Hint: Low is good here) As you learned during Grade School recess, having the ball in your possession and not letting the kids have it usually mean that you will have more fun. It turns out this is true for the NFL as well. All-in-all, from a statistical point of view, we are starting in the right place. As we learn more about this team and after we get 4 or 5 games under our belts, these charts will help you better understand our chances in February. BTW, this is an exercise that Bears fans will never be familiar with. Coach is very optimistic about beating Atlanta, and there are just a few simple things we must do: First ---- we must block. As this is being written, roughly half of Tackles look like they will not play this week and Pankey, a Guard, was signed from the Practice Squad to help fill in the gap. Sifting through the smokescreen disinformation BS which is now the MM standard, Coach puts the odds at 95% that Bakhtiari plays, 60% that Bulaga plays and zero % that Spriggs plays. Spriggs’ hamstring issues began in preseason games from too frequently bending over to pull DE’s/OLB’s off the pile that he was responsible for creating on top of our backup QB (from biting on even the most basic of fakes). Atlanta plays a 4-3 Defense with very good D-Lineman, so if we can’t block, then Katy bar the door. Look for more ball control and much more running to enable the make shift line to run block rather than pass block. Second ---- we must do the things on Defense which we did not do in the January 2017 playoff game. The list is not long and it is important: we must rush the passer, tackle the ball carrier and cover the receivers. Other than those items, we did pretty well. Third --- we need Aaron to be rested and relaxed. As most of you know, Olivia and Aaron split up and there are recurring rumors about his current interests. While Coach doesn’t have any definitive insight, the consensus view of the Paparazzi is that AR seems to be more light-hearted and carefree. In unrelated news, Matt Flynn has been spotted back in Green Bay taking Jazz Dance Classes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, if we play well on Offense, play well on Defense, play well on Special Teams and don’t turn over the ball, we should win. Atlanta is favored by 3 points (which is Las Vegas’ way of saying the teams are even on a neutral field), but Coach isn’t buying that. Go Pack in the upset: Good guys 27, ATL F’s 24. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them With the Brewers’ band of overachieving Double-A ballers hanging on to life support well into September – duking it out with St. Louis to pull the Cubs from their razor thin divisional lead, it seems like a good opportunity to provide you with the story of Hall of Famer Lou Brock. No, not that Lou Brock … THIS Lou Brock! At 6’-0” and 165-lbs, #16 James Lewis “Lou” Brock was not the most daunting figure on the gridiron, but he was one of the top college players in the nation while at Purdon’t. During his school days, he worked as a dishwasher to pay his way to a Bachelor of Science degree. Even back in the 30’s Purdue was an overpriced school of blowhards. Some things never change.
The versatile Lou Brock was a valuable player on offense, defense and special teams with the Packers from 1940-’45. He was the Packers’ number two draft choice in 1940 and he played his entire 6-year career with Green Bay. In 1944 Lou won a world championship with the Packers, defeating the New York Giants 14-7. In 1982 he was inducted into the Packers HOF, 7-years before he passed away (nice) at the ripe-young age of 71. Coach particularly likes the reputation that Brock had around the league as a hard driving runner and devastating blocker. Lou was Green Bay’s top punter for two seasons, led the team in kickoffs in ’42 and finished second to Don Hutson in receptions in 1941. He also was the Packers interception leader (5) as a rookie. Not too shabby. Lou Brock is who you should think of when you hear someone refer to an awesome, tough player as a “throwback.” So, Lou Brock of Packers football fame, we salute you! Now let's go beat the Falcons.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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