Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: ...this is the worst time of year. Well, it used to be ok before I gave up turkey hunting. That hobby nicely filled “the April gap” between catching behemoth walleyes on The Fox River during their annual spawning run, and the NFL Draft. But, alas, the juice is just no longer worth the squeeze with that sport, so I’m relegated to doing menial tasks around the house in order to pass the time, like changing the lawn mower oil, painting the bathroom molding, and listening to morons suggest which players they think the Packers should draft – for reasons they have no expertise to pass judgement on. Honestly, they don’t know squat. Guys on NFL Network? …they don’t know shit. ESPN sportscasters? Bubkis. Green Bay sports talk radio? Idiots. And it doesn’t matter anyway. These guys have next to no skill evaluating NFL caliber talent nor any insight into organizational matters the Packers have prioritized. If I thought you cared who I think they should pick, I would tell you; but I know you don’t, so I won’t. You’re welcome. Instead, I will focus on who the Packers should consider selecting for their cheerleading squad to replace the East German Women’s Weightlifting Squad from St. Norbert College that they typically haul out to the sideline each year (God help us). I imagine it would go something like this... With his 1st selection for the 2021 Packers Cheerleading Squad, Coach trades up from the 29th spot to select 1st overall, and grabs Randi Brady from the Houston Texans! “You are WELCOME, Packer Nation!” exclaims Coach. This pick will cost Coach not only the 29th spot, but also both 4th round picks, both 5th round picks, both 6th round picks, and his sole 7th round pick this year. The experts weigh in: Totally worth it. The Lambeau Field Atrium, jammed with Packers faithful on draft day, echoes with gleeful cheers after Coach’s bold selection, followed by a standing ovation! But now, noticeably weak in the knees from his breathtaking 1st pick, Coach waves to the crowd before taking a brief respite in Shailene Woodley’s luxury box for a stiff drink and a cold shower. Upon his return, Coach then uses the 2nd pick, 62nd overall, to select Lilly Robbins from the Miami Dolphins! Wow! Coach doubles-up on blond bombshells, like Gutey taking successive cornerbacks in 2018. In awe and amazement, the crowd murmurs blissfully in joyful disbelief. Said a very sweaty, trembling Coach: “I couldn’t believe she was still available at 62. Our board had her long gone by then, especially considering the performance she put on at the Senior bowl. I hope I have enough stamina to make my final pick in Round 3!” And with that final pick, 92nd overall, Coach takes a flier on Milwaukee Bucks basketball team cheerleader. Arianna! Addressing media questions after the draft, Coach leaned into the microphone and asserted “First just let me say that Arianna is a Wauwatosa native, and came highly recommended to us by Bucks ownership and former Packers tight end Mark Chmura. Plus, we really liked what Arianna did at her Pro Day workout. Even though she is somewhat of a project crossing over from the NBA, she scored very high on our agility drills and we think she has a very high ceiling. So, yeah, we think we got good value late in the 3rd Round with this pick, and she’ll get every opportunity to show what she can do on Special Teams. …And as far as selecting 3 blonds this year? Well, some years we go heavy on offense, other times – heavy on defense. A lot of that just depends on how the board falls to us. Only time will tell if the carpet truly matches the drapes… at least, in my humble opinion.” Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Defense Loses Championships (deux et aussi) The good news is that we “only” lost by 5 and we didn’t look as bad as we did losing by 17 to San Francisco in 2019. That’s where the good news on 2020 ends. Coach doesn’t care that we’ve gone 26-6 under Petite Fleur during the Regular Season, he’s 0-2 in reaching the Super Bowl, let alone winning it. That doesn’t seem to bother Mark Murphy in the least. He declared another “successful season” and handed out yet another Participation Trophy featuring his bust. OK back to the game … a lot of ink has been spilled about the very end of the game, field goal, no field goal, give the ball the Rodgers, take the ball away from Rodgers, blah, blah, blah. Coach doesn’t wanna hear it cuz it doesn’t matter. The score was 21-10 when the Pack opened the 2nd half with an Aaron Jones fumble and next thing you know it’s 28-10, followed by a GB to get to 28-17 and hope was alive! If I told you that on the next two drives our D held Tampa Bay to 10 plays in total and intercepted Brady twice you’d be ecstatic, right! No, you wouldn’t be, because we went 3 & Out on both drives following the INT’s … cuz Rodgers didn’t trust handling the ball off in a game where we averaged 4.2 yards/carry. Bank on it, Coach is gonna come back to this over, and over, and over again this year…. …but that was the 2nd Half, and no matter how you slice and dice it, we “won” the 2nd Half 16-10. Yes, that’s right, even with all the mistakes, we beat the Buc’s in the 2nd Half. The problem was the end of the 1st-Half. Remember the guy we traded down to draft in 2017 (and yes, passed on TJ Watt in doing so)? He got beat for two touchdowns including the 39-yard back-breaker with one second left in the first half and was flagged for pass interference on the drive that allowed the Buccaneers to run out the clock at the end. Pretty good summary of his career … oh, and hwat? Oh yeah, he’s back for 2021 … making Cornerback a pretty good bet to be a high draft pick for the Pack. Now this might shock you, but Kevin King is not the reason we lost the game (although he and Rodgers are number 2 & 3 on the list). No, the Brian-Bostick-Award-For-Single-Handedly-F’ing-Up-A-Trip-To-The-Super-Bowl goes to Will Redmond. With 18 seconds remaining in the 1st-Half and the Buc’s facing 3rd&4 on the Packers 45-yard line, Brady threw up a goose (something flying stronger than a duck). Will Redmond runs under the ball and short-arm drops the INT. If Redmond makes this pick, the half is over, Bucs 14, Packers 10 and Kevin King never has the opportunity to give up the “21-10” TD. We never have to debate the 2nd-Half and the Pack wins 26-24 (yeah, see, the FG at the end did make sense). Truly in this case, the Defense could have won the game, but lost it instead. Is anybody else sick of this “stuff” in big games? WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up First Female to Referee Super Bowl Throws Flag On Play But Won’t Say What’s Wrong TAMPA, FL—Sarah Thomas, the first female referee to officiate in a Super Bowl, threw a flag on a play in the second quarter but refused to say what was wrong. "Penalty, on the offense -- you know what, never mind. It's fine," she said after throwing a flag on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "Wait -- what'd I do wrong?" asked Tom Brady indignantly. "Nothing. I said it was fine," she countered, folding her arms. "It doesn't seem like it's fine. You threw a flag!" Brady responded. She shrugged and turned away. "No, it's totally fine. Just go and play football with your friends." Play proceeded without any consequences, though she glared bitterly at Brady throughout the next few plays. Of note, male referees were reprimanded by the head of league officials, Alberto Riveron, following the game for what he termed “passive aggressive toxic masculinity” at the expense of Ms. Thomas. Riveron cited numerous examples as evidence, including their refusal to turn the thermostat on high during a pre-game meeting in a room that they claimed was already uncomfortably warm, and neglecting to ubiquitously put on makeup while driving to the stadium. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Sure, the NFL added another game to the schedule this season, but I’m sure we won’t run out of evidence to share each week that proves the Bears still suck. In reality, there is so much proof out there that it is hard to narrow down choices to share with you each week. The season hasn’t even started yet and my 2021 stockpiles are already over flowing! Click on this link and enjoy! ;o) Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground The Badger Underground maintains that progressing up the ladder of Big Ten success in Madison was stunted by COVID quarantines, early April bikini weather, and distractions of the NFL draft. However, this Spring we have a new top prospect poised to take Bucky's game to the next level… We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game It’s fool’s errand to try to predict the Packers’ Draft Picks, and Coach ain’t no fool. Suffice to say, we want to make good picks and avoid bad picks … and Gutey has been pretty good so far. We have a really good team and a really good roster, but we need quality depth. Drafting any player is a crap-shoot, so getting more picks in the higher rounds is golden (and remember we have 10 picks this year): 1st Rnd - 1 2nd Rnd - 1 3rd Rnd – 1 1st 3 Rounds - 3 picks 4th Rnd – 2 5th Rnd – 2 6th Rnd – 2 7th Rnd – 1 Bottom 4 Rounds – 7 picks Rather than predict, Coach is going to give you his wish list:
Resulting in: 1st Rnd - 0 2nd Rnd - 3 3rd Rnd – 2 1st 3 Rounds - 5 picks 4th Round – 1 5th Rnd – 1 6th Rnd – 1 7th Rnd – 1 Bottom 4 Rounds – 4 picks Naturally, this will not happen … but Coach can dream. And when he does, he usually dreams of hot chicks in bikinis... Chevon McNuggets – G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This year’S Draft class is not laden with top-notch D-line talent. Worse, the recent history of D-line picks going late in the 1st round has been abysmal at best. In fact, probably the only decent NFL D-lineman taken late in the 1st round is our own Kenny Clark and that was 5 years ago! So what is Gutey to do? Well, make the most out of a later round pick. A proverbial “diamond in the rough” … like the feature of this week’s JB… Johnny Jolly quickly made a name for himself in the NFL as a force to be reckoned with on the defensive line. Jolly was the Packers 6th round draft pick in 2006 out of Texas A&M. Many 6th rounders never even make the team, let alone become a starter. After a rookie season that featured him riding the bench for most of the year, Jolly impressed his defensive coaches in the offseason and went on to start seven games in his sophomore campaign. He recorded his first career sack in 2007 and totaled 21 combined tackles in his second year with the Pack. Jolly only improved from there. He recorded 49 combined tackles in 2008, including 36 solo stops. The DT followed that up with another 40 tackles a year later. He even recorded his first career interception in 2009. Jolly had grown into a run-stuffer that every NFL team would love to have on their roster. …and then he pissed it all away. As effective as Jolly had become on the field, his drug addiction was also growing worse by the day. Much like Bill Murray’s taxi cab driving John Winger character in Stripes, Jolly was addicted to prescription cough syrup. He started using codeine and promethazine when he was just a sophomore in high school, and he continued the use through his NFL days. His codeine addiction reared its ugly head right as he was playing his best football. In July 2008, Jolly was arrested for the first time for possessing at least 200 grams of codeine. Jolly later tested positive for codeine during an NFL test, and he was suspended for one season by the league. The Packers went on to win the Super Bowl in 2010, the first season Jolly missed due to his suspension. Bummer, dude.
He was on track to return to the field in 2011, but Jolly was arrested again in March. Then, Jolly was arrested for a third time in October of the same year for violating the terms of his probation for a drug conviction, and a month later he was sentenced to 6-years in prison. His addiction cost him his career and his freedom ... Ka-pow! So let that be a lesson to you kids out there. Just say "No!" to drugs, or some really bad shit could ruin your life.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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