The best thing about draft day? It’s got to be the ubiquitous surge of boos that fill the arena to greet Commissioner Roger Goodell every time he approaches the podium. Packers 1st Round pick Jaire Alexander rushed to Green Bay from Dallas Friday morning after Day 1 of the 2018 NFL Draft to see the Lambeau Field facilities and visit with team officials, who took him downtown Saturday night to see the final performance of Let Me Be Frank’s theatrical production “Something Stinks in Kaukauna.” When reached for comment outside the Meyer Theatre after the show, Alexander said “I was so excited to be picked by such a great organization as the Green Bay Packers, but I’m not sure what the hell I just saw back there. Does A-Rod actually live here?” Congratulations to this week’s contest winner, Mr. Gaylord Schnell from St Nazianz, for correctly guessing Coach’s new favorite TV reporter, Carley Shimkus! It’s hard to put your finger on it, but there’s just something about Carley that says “Yep, she’s a keeper.” For his winning entry, Gaylord receives this pristine, vintage, never before worn, pre-statutory rape accusation, Mark Chmura Lambeau Field 7up watch from 1997. Good on you, Gay! Now let’s talk about Coach’s top 10 guys that deserve to be punched in the face (in no particular order):
Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme So now the draft is over. After the 248th pick, those of us closely watching the selection process at 1265 Lombardi Avenue noticed GM Brian Gutekunst give a visual shout-out to his idol, Carol Burnett, at the conclusion of his final 2018 Draft press conference. I know what you’re thinking... How do you pronounce Jaire? And I know your 2nd thought ... Is this guy another T-Buck? Well, on the surface Jaire Alexander does have some similarities to Terrell Buckley: ACC cornerback, elusive punt returner, small in stature, Jimmy Johns fast, cocky mo-fo. But there are subtle differences that should keep Alexander in town more than the 3 years that T-Buck lasted some 25 years ago. Well, first off — these days a 1st-rounder is essentially a cheap 5-year contract, so he’ll be playing here through the 2022 season barring injury or arrest. Size wise, Jaire is over an inch taller and 22-pounds heavier than Buckley. Character-wise, “Alexander Island” (as dubbed by teammates for being a shutdown corner) was elected Captain by the Louisville Defense players... he’s not a “me-me-me” guy starved for praise by pundits. Check out his reaction — while being interviewed on national TV, Alexander overheard the announcement of Louisville QB Lamar Jackson and freaked out in joy for his former teammate. Click On Link https://youtu.be/-7Z4AOBPvL4 Look for him to be emblematic of the fine line difference between a guy that is “cocky” versus a player with “swagger.” Ok, so what about his play? Alexander is not unique in that he is an early round defensive back that can cover either an NFL slot receiver or a wide out, but few of the early round DB selections have capability to cover BOTH. Safeties that Gutey did not pick can come down into the slot, but they simply can’t cover the boundary. Most cornerbacks that successfully use the boundary to their advantage in coverage can’t also blanket interior space (we’ll have to see how Josh Jackson fares). Jaire can cover both because of his make-up speed to close, and that is rare (#SamShields). Add in the fact that he challenges ball carriers instead of backing away from a tough tackle, and there’s really very little that ties Jaire Alexander to Terrell Buckley. Well, except for maybe that T-Buck recruited Alexander to Louisville and was his cornerbacks coach his freshman year. Shit. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Bears War Room Torn Between Draft Picks CHICAGO—Admitting that his team was constantly plagued over deciding which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and athleticism, but on the other, you have an inconsistent, injury-prone question mark from a third-rate program. How do you make that choice?” said Pace, adding that it was almost impossible to weigh the advantages of drafting a perennial Pro Bowler to build the team around against the potential upside of a guaranteed bust. “The whole staff has been going back and forth between grabbing a prospect who’s good at football or drafting the one who can’t play for shit. One has world-class speed, the other is slow. One is a natural leader, the other is likely to cause a divisive split in the locker room. My staff was as confused as the elderly Senators during the Mark Zuckerberg hearings.” Pace later confided that last year was much easier when he simply got fleeced by a 1st round trade with San Francisco. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Rosen to anti-Semites: “F You!” After being selected by the Arizona Cardinals with the 10th overall pick in this year’s NFL draft, Josh Rosen (UCLA quarterback and son of famous L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. R. Rosen) boasted — no, threatened — that the first 9 teams will “pay dearly” for not drafting him when they had the chance. Immediately, Twitter lit up with Alt Right neo-nazi claims that Rosen is a money grubber, typical of Jewish-Americans that “run Los Angeles.” Arizona Border Patrol agent and Trump supporter, Hunter Rassismus, tweeted “You can’t hide the hook, that guy will drain our cap space.” The Cardinals rookie shrugged off the negative social media response. Said Rosen, “All I have to do is act like Aaron Rodgers on TV and everything should fall into place. It’s amazing how much a chip on your shoulder improves your abilities.” The Packers All-Pro QB purportedly spent some time with Rosen prior to the draft to give him some tips on throwing and waiting a really long time in the Green Room. When reached for comment, Rodgers said “I actually bumped into Josh by accident when I was out in L.A. visiting Mel Gibson. I don’t know what Josh is bitching about, he’s not even that good and he still got picked in the top 10! Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Rodgers He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen LOS ANGELES–Rushing into the winter home of the Green Bay Packers quarterback and snatching a protein / vegetable powder shake out of his hand, embarrassed health guru Hernon Pierce reportedly informed Aaron Rodgers Tuesday that he’s been mistakenly following a toxic diet regimen this whole time. “Oh my god, Aaron, there’s been a mistake – this diet is potentially fatal,” said a panicked and humiliated Pierce before quickly throwing out all the food in Rodgers’ house while informing the two-time NFL MVP the he had recently come across research debunking any health benefits of his strict nutritional habits. “If you don’t stop this diet immediately, your muscles will atrophy, your skin is going to wither, and we’re looking at multiple organ failures within the next few weeks. Geez, we’ve got to get you off of this dairy-free diet right away. Quick, you need to start eating cheese and yogurt. What the hell were we thinking?” Pierce later added that Rodgers’ ill-advised workout regimen may actually render him immobile by age 40. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground 2017 Badgers who are now at NFL rookie camps…
Think about it... It took until the 4th round for a player from the 12-0 Orange Bowl champion Wisconsin Badgers to be drafted. This means one thing. The Badgers of 2018 will be absolutely loaded! They were absent of major losses that will otherwise be tough to back-fill. The mentality in the locker room is focused on establishing their position in the playoffs and winning the national championship.
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Badgers DC Strapping It Up in Green Bay Before Becoming Head Coach MADISON--Among the Packers free agent signings this past week following the draft, the big surprise was Jim Leonhard coming out of retirement and out of his defensive coordinator duties in Madison to suit up in replacement of the departed Morgan Burnett at safety. Leonhard played under new Packers Defensive Coordinator Mike Petine’s tutelage in Baltmore, Buffalo, New York (Jets), and Cleveland. This move completes the Packers secondary transformation from assignment-unsteady defensive backs that can’t cover a lick or stay on the field, to old, slow but cerebral veterans who can show the new guys the ropes. Unnamed sources have confirmed that this “signing” is merely the door opening to put Jim Leonhard in place on the Packers sideline longer term, supplanting expected 2019 Super Bowl Champion head coach Mike McCarthy following his inevitable move to the Pittsburgh Steelers. McCarthy’s not-so-startling exit from Green Bay following the Super Bowl parade is expected to come under already murky circumstances. Reputed mob boss Dominic Capers is slated to take over the Steeler GM duties despite claims that he colluded in a point shaving scheme with Packers opponents’ offensive coordinators during the 2011-2017 seasons in telegraphing plays that would succeed in easily converting third downs, instructing defensive backs to play several yards off receivers, forbidding safeties from providing over-the-top help, clinging to defensive alignments designed not to work and intimidating Ted Thompson into trading down to not draft TJ Watt while continually wasting high draft picks on low-ACT Pac-12 defenders who never stood a chance of figuring out his exotic schemes. Investigations continue into hush money ostensibly received from Capers via a U.P.-based pizzeria debit card account by Nick Perry, Morgan Burnett, Ahmad Brooks and Clay Matthews in exchange for maintaining their silence relating to fake injuries ranging from pulled hamstrings to calf strains to undiagnosed lower back pain. The money trail also revealed similar transactions made to suppress child support claims made by several women in the Green Bay area, including Capers’ maid. Capers vehemently denied such claims, suggesting that those women were liars, planted by Jermichael Finley to divert attention from his own transgressions. This circles us back to the question of why such a sudden exit will inevitably occur for Mike McCarthy following an exhilarating Super Bowl win over the AFC Champ. Capers reportedly told McCarthy that Pittsburgh has some of the most beautiful hookers in the world, and this coincides with the recent rampant rumors that have swirled regarding recordings made of McCarthy “getting it on” with hookers in a Pittsburgh hotel room following the Miss Pittsburgh pageant. No doubt McCarthy is already getting testy about this subject, as evidenced when he was pressed by CNN’s Anderson “Jerry Springer” Cooper, regarding the possible recordings being used as leverage. McCarthy responded “I’m NOBODY’s bitch, Anderson. Do I look like a guy who needs hookers?” We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Ahhh, the offseason. The front office was blown up, a couple of high-profile free agents were signed, and the 2018 NFL Draft is in the books. The theme for 2018 is addition by subtraction…so let’s have a look at those changes and Coach’s assessment of the change. Since Bob Harlan made the change back in the 80’s, the Packers Structure has been a “Dictator” at General Manager who handled all football operations. Harlan has been quoted saying many, many times that the change to keep the football operations isolated from the business side has been key to the success of the Packers. You don’t have to look any farther than 90% of NFL Teams who have “active” owners to see how disruptive that is (yes, Jerry Jones, you). The GM’s were Ron Wolf, Mike Sherman and Ted Thompson, in more-or-less the structure below. The names listed were the incumbents until the Off-Season changes. The structure now has changed with essentially the elimination of the old General Manager position and the elevation of Scout Brian Gutekunst to General Manager (who has no authority other than scouting and personnel) and promotion of Capologist Russ Ball, to, well, actually no change, they just gave him more money. The publicly announced theory is the Mark Murphy will preside over a triumvirate of equals, who will bring balanced proposals and provide Solomon-like incisive decisions. In other words, McCarthy told Murphy he can't give Gutey the power to fire him. When you cut through all the nicey-nice in the media, essentially McCarthy has been promoted to GM/Head-Coach. There is no way that he will defer to the others, he is now first among equals. Or in Coach-think, he has a double-secret-promotion. This structure could work. It works in New England and it works in Seattle. We even had it here once. After Ron Wolf’s retirement, Mike Sherman was promoted to GM/Head-Coach. Bob Harlan declared it one of the worst decisions he ever made, and Sherman's fate is recalled later (below) in Coach's segment dedicated to the legendary fandom of one Joseph W. Brown. Coach has thought a lot about all of these changes and it certainly is possible that it could work, but contemplate the following:
To make this dizzying array of changes digestible, Coach provides you, the discerning Coach Clarahanson reader, with a summary of the front office and coaching changes: So who are the two new Coaches? Joe Philbin was with the Pack from 2003 through 2011. After coaching OL at Iowa he came to Green Bay as the Assistant OL Coach for the Packers. After 4 years as OL and TE coach, he was promoted to Offensive Coordinator in 2007 under Mike McCarthy. That year the Pack made it to the NFC Championship, but alas succumbed to a Brent Favor interception. Philbin was also the OC during Aaron Rodger’s first 3 years as starting QB …yes, that’s right he was AR’s OC when we won the 2010 Super Bowl. By all accounts they had a fantastic relationship, and more importantly, he was the one directing the Offense in 2011. During the 2011 season the Packers averaged over 31 points per game, went 15-1 and would have had another ring if the Defense was any good. After leaving Green Bay, Joe spent some forgettable years as the Dolphins head coach and the Colts Assistant Head Coach/OL. Coach is here to say that getting Joe Philbin back as the #12 Whisperer is the single most important addition to the Offense this Off Season. Who knows if they can reach the stars again like in 2011, but it’s a given that Joe can help turn around the downward trend that we’ve been on since he left. Mike Pettine has been an NFL Coach for about the same amount of time as Joe Philbin, almost always on the Defensive Side of the ball. Pettine has been fairly successful with his Defenses, even though he has been on some really bad teams with suspect talent. Clearly his time with the Jets was the most successful where he had two Top 10 Defenses, and he even managed that one time with the talentless Cleveland Browns in 2014. What Coach really likes is that Pettine likes to play a mix of 3-4 and 4-3. What that means is that even in Nickel defenses we will likely have 3 DL on the field at all time, and in many 1st down and short yardage situations we will have 4 DL on the field. As the loyal reader knows, it was driving Coach Absolutely Puke En’ Rabbit Shit (CAPERS for short) when we would line up with 2 DL in middle down and distance and then get gashed for 7 yards the middle and a first down…that nonsense should stop under Pettine. Former players also say that he is a “good teacher’. Translation? “I am a HS drop out who barely managed a D- average during my 3 years at Northeast Oklahoma State University when a cheerleader was taking the tests for me. Pettine told me where to line-up and which guy to hit, in a way that I could understand.” This should be a nice contrast to the “nobody was f’ng lined up in the right spot” and “it wasn’t my man that scored the last TD in the playoff game” that we have become numb to during the Legume Era. Regarding the new players, obviously it will be few years before Coach can give you the definitive book on Gutey calling the shots on personnel. Nobody can tell at this point how the new guys will turn out. Is JeyeRee the lock down corner or another Antuan Edwards? Was drafting a punter and a long snapper a move of genius, or simply a stupid violation of everything Ron Wolf put in place in Green Bay? Was not drafting a pass rusher a stupid oversight or a good reading of “no talent” on the board? We’ll know in about 2 years. What Coach really likes is draft picks. We went into the 2018 with 12 picks and came out with 11 guys and an extra 1st Round pick for 2019….you gotta love that. Gutey also picked up decent offseason talent in TE Jimmy Graham and DL Mohammed Wilkerson. Great off season steals or washed-up-has-beens? We’ll find out by the end of August. But what Coach is 100% certain of is that Ted Thompson had to go. Shown below is a summary of all of Ted’s 120 draft picks since 2005. The rating scale is a quick, qualitative and intuitive evaluation of each player. While there are no doubt debates to be had about any individual rating, the total picture is probably not too far off (let’s debate at the bar if you don’t agree). As your gut already told you, the biggest take away is that Ted did not do as well finding stars to play on the defensive side of the ball. Of even bigger concern is his seeming inability to hit on any talent in his last 4 drafts (2014-2017). This is going to be a real challenge for Gutey to overcome….and it really, really puts the pressure on Philbin and Pettine to come out of the gate very strong. Addition by subtraction. We made a bunch of moves…and now it’s up to Eminem, Regis Philbin and Poutine to deliver. Coach for one is very optimistic about 2018. What’s not to like, we’re undefeated! JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them So the Packers drafted a punter in the 5th round. Smart? I know what you're thinking... Mike Sherman was an idiot, and his infamous 3rd round selection of B.J. (heh, heh) Sander cemented that title. He purportedly was enamored by Sander’s left-footed kick, which presumably would confuse receivers into dropping balls because of the opposite rotational spin of the ball (Hello? Ever heard of Steve Young, or Boomer Esiason, or Mark Brunnel, or Michael Vick, or Ken Stabler? ...all southpaws who managed to find that rarest of rare receivers capable of catching a football spinning with either clockwise or counterclockwise rotations #UnderhandRefereeToss). To make a long story short, Sander was not an NFL talent, Sherman fell asleep at the Combine, and Ted was brought in to right the ship. So who was the greatest Packers punter of all time? Clarke Hinkle? Craig Hentrich? Dick Deschaine? Don Bracken? Ray Stachowicz? Digging into the Packers annals (don’t get gross), the all-time greatest Packers punter was, in fact, Don Chandler. He did not kick in the most Packers games (Tim Masthey, 96), or have the coolest name (Bucky Scribner, with a nod to Paul McJulien), or kick the most punts (David Beverly, 495), but he did have the longest one (that’s what she said). In an October 1965 game against the 49ers in Lambeau, Chandler got off a 90-yard punt that traveled 75 yards in the air and over 110 yards out of the end zone with the roll. The Packers had a 4th down at their own 10, and Don booted the ball from his goal line. It landed at the San Francisco 25 and bounded on through their end zone for a touchback. But there was more to his game than just punting. Don Chandler actually performed BOTH kicking jobs for the Packers, and he was one of the best in the league at both duties (heh, heh – dooties!). And with his background as a running back, he was very effective at the fake punt -- which he spontaneously unveiled whenever he felt the opposition was lax. Don rushed the ball 13 times for 146 yards and completed all three of his pass attempts for 67 yards. For the arithmetically challenged, that’s 16 successful fake punts! Lombardi did not draft Chandler, he traded for him with the Giants in exchange for a 5th round draft pick (tah-dah!). Green Bay was coming off its most disappointing season under Vince Lombardi (1964) and much of it was due to the kicking game. When Paul Hornung returned from his 1963 gambling suspension he had completely lost his kicking touch, going 12-of-38 in field goals and missing two extra points. Gotta clean that up! Better kicking could have changed the team’s 8-5-1 record to 11-3 and reduced the division winning Colts to 10-4. Just sayin. Chandler played just 3 years in Green Bay. His punting average (42-yds/punt) and kicking points (261, FG’s & PAT’s) figured prominently in each of these three seasons and, not coincidentally, in the 3 championships that he was a part of here. He retired with Lombardi, but reportedly was willing to return in 1968 if he were able to skip weekly practices and just show up on the weekends for games (like today’s kickers do, when they’re not golfing). General Manager Lombardi refused, and it was a big mistake for which new coach Phil Bengston paid the price. The team would make only 13-of-28 field goal attempts and would miss three extra points as well. More reliable kicking would have won them three or four more games and earned them the division title despite the fact that Bart Starr missed half the season with injuries…and you know the slide that ensued from there. Coach calls it “My childhood.” So, Don Chandler, we posthumously salute you as being the greatest Packers punter of all time. Now it’s time for me and Mrs. Coach to focus on some serious musky fishing this summer. Her birds nests have subsided, yet she retains her primary responsibilities as sandwich artist, trolling motor put'er-outer and puller-inner, Frabill holder, and bump-board specialist (she's pretty good at pulling arrows from a target block, too, just fyi). Keep your hooks sharp and your fletchings unfrayed, fellas! See ya ‘round da OTA’s er so.
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Welcome to 2018. As fate would have it, Beelzebub himself has arranged for this year’s NFL draft revenue to funnel into the pockets of Jerry Jones while ESPN-generated rock star-esque intros of 22-year old football recruits unfold on the jumbotron hanging from AT&T stadium in Arlington, Texas. BTW, how is AT&T even a company anymore? Is someone out there still actually using DSL to “dial up” to the internet? But I digress… Apparently the NFL did not heed Coach’s warning in Week 17 of last year. The NFL Network (under direction of – you guessed it, Jerry Jones) aired “Dez Bryant Classics” on the very day of his release from the Cowboys to remind the shallowest of NFL fans of Dez’s greatness. If the NFL believes its fan base gives a flying fark about Dez Bryant’s career, then those media moguls and lawyers posing as football executives are headed for the woeful demise that XFL / Alpha Entertainment owner Vince McMahon is banking on. Lest we forget a truly great receiver, Super Bowl champion, multiple All-Pro selection, Comeback Player of the Year, and recognized all-around standup good guy / model citizen, Jordy Nelson, was also released by his team this year – but received no such film focus by the NFL. Well, on a more positive note, things couldn’t be much more exciting as we get ready for the 100th edition of the Green Bay Packers team. On baited breath, we all waited until early April for a look at this year’s preseason schedule! Pretty much the usual suspects...Kansas City, da Raiders, Steelers and Titans. Let’s just hope Packers Pre-Season TV brings back hottie sideline reporter (and former Miss Kansas Teen USA, and daughter of pre-season play-by-play TV announcer - Kevin, and grand-daughter of 20-years tenured Packers CEO - Bob), Olivia Harlan! Now, after just learning the regular season schedule and knowing who’s coming to Lambeau this year, we can finally get on with the draft!!! Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Gutekunst his own man, likely to use multiple picks on PAC-12 players declaring early INDIANAPOLIS—In a rare 1-on-1 interview at the 2018 NFL Combine with the man in charge of Packers conversion to hardware version 100.0, Coach was able to get the skinny on Brian Gutekunst’s fresh approach to this year’s draft. “Well, there’s a new sheriff in town…” boasted the 44-year old Raleigh, NC native and UW-LaX alum. “Of course I respect Ted and appreciate all he’s done for the Packers, but to be honest if he’d have taken my advice more often, his obvious mistakes could have been avoided. Draft-and-develop will always be a staple of what we do here, but going forward there will be much more emphasis on using high draft picks to select quick-twitch basketball players with limited football experience, and on taking Juniors leaving PAC-12 schools early. ...Particularly on the defensive side of the ball, where we feel we can convert linemen and safeties into playing positions that they’re unfamiliar with and put them in situations where they will have to cover fast receivers.” 2018 will be the perfect opportunity for Gutekunst to showcase what he can do, as the Packers have a whopping 27 picks in this year’s draft. “It’s especially helpful this year, now that we can trade our numerous compensatory picks for more guys in later rounds. I really like those feel-good story guys — you know, like the deaf kid who doesn’t know when the play is over, or the kicker with webbed-toes. I love watching those types of stories on ESPN with the hot female reporters like Jenn Brown, Allie LaForce, and Molly McGrath. You can never have enough of those guys on your roster when it’s really hot and sweaty in August.” Coach Clarahanson’s college football prospect insider Geraldo Sosallo, Jr enthusiastically supports Gute’s approach, suggesting that Thompson’s formula was based on theory that never translated well to the gridiron. “The Packers need to reach for a Mensa-level undersized 20 year-old linebacker from Stanford that really likes football and is a student of the game. The kinda guy that might go on to be a star pusher in the 2022 Beijing two-man bobsled.” New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day and Rodgers’ Skyrocketing Value Hobart,WI—Shedding new light on the veteran’s mystifying allure to envious GM’s throughout the League, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the enchanting Aaron Rodgers growing ever more difficult to keep in Green Bay amidst $30 million per year guaranteed contracts to blokes like Kirk Cousins and Sam Bradford. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Aaron’s ethereal attractiveness waxes ever more captivating with the breaking of each new dawn,” said lead scientist Dr. Amanda Bacordey, adding that substantial data also indicate the dominant buck’s radiance suffuses the room, daring to match the warmth and radiance of the very sun itself; yet unlike the sun, blessed Aaron is never dimmed by clouds, nor does he depart for half the day, but abides with team staff through all hours, whether those are spent by his side in reverent wakefulness during film study or in Elysium dreaming of harnessing his sweet arm strength. “Furthermore, our observations suggest a causal relationship between light—starlight, moonlight, candlelight, the light source doesn’t seem to matter—striking dear Aaron’s exquisite blue eyes, and anyone observing the phenomenon falling hopelessly, helplessly, breathlessly, forever in love.” A forlorn Bacordey added that there is likely a link between Aaron’s ever-growing rugged good looks, be it with or without facial hair, and the legions of the broken-hearted defenders strewn about the back of end zones like so many fallen leaves in autumn. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Excitement Shifts To Concern After New Coach Brings Baked Goods to Pre-Draft Staff Meetings For Fourth Consecutive Day CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, assistants of new Bears head coach Matt Nagy told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their leader brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find Matt’s freshly baked treats waiting for me, but after several days of this, you have to wonder if everything’s okay,” said Offensive Coordinator Mark Helfrich, adding that he had been thrilled to see a tray of cookies sitting in the break room but has slowly grown more worried as brownies, cupcakes, pies, tortes, strudel, and rugelach subsequently appeared. “I tried asking him if this was from some big party he had recently, and all he said was, ‘No, I just wanted to make them.’ It’s certainly nice of him to do this, but, man, this can’t be a good sign, right?” At press time, Nagy’s staff grew even more alarmed upon receiving an email asking if anyone was vegetarian so he would know what type of lasagna to bring in for lunch tomorrow. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who praised the venue’s large, well-placed LED screens that made it easy to follow to the action while doubled over vomiting from any direction. “I thought the new Giants’ stadium was a pretty nice place to hurl, but I’ve never barfed all over cleaner, more modern bathrooms. Plus, there are tons of amazing bars and restaurants to pass out in. Viking fans are so lucky they get to puke here every home game.” Fernley also praised the convenience of using the stadium’s app to find a great hoagie, which he later retched after the game. Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City MINNEAPOLIS— Doing a reconnaissance of sorts in preparation for the city of Las Vegas’ Super Bowl bid, Las Vegas Raiders, Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Prestige Worldwide Entertainment, LLC) was aghast to learn of the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest in Minneapolis following Super Bowl LII. Local residents reported feelings of shock and dismay that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture the area has to offer. “My colleagues tell me there were no crowds whatsoever at the American Swedish Institute, local merchants said attendance was actually down at the Mall of America, and the parks department was confounded that few if any people had toured our many impressive local bodies of water,” said Minneapolis Sculpture Garden curator Lukas Svensson, who was forced to send most of his staff home the Monday immediately following Super Bowl LII when droves of awestruck visitors from across the nation inexplicably failed to appear. “I personally can’t understand why no one wanted to see our sculpture of a big spoon with a cherry perched jauntily on top, unless the 8-degree weather had something to do with it.” Civic leaders were reportedly not surprised whatsoever upon being told that the situation was identical in St. Paul, which they described as “a frozen, passive-aggressive suburb of Minneapolis made up of alternating churches and bars.” In a related saga, TMZ has recently released audio tape of a noticeably inebriated Lombardi Trophy in a Philadelphia underground after-hours club, slurring gladly to Lord Stanley’s cup that it will never have to go back to Minnesota again. Utah Preparing to Litigate If New Packers GM Fails to Draft from Beehive State SALT LAKE CITY—Along with the noticeable absence of Ted Thomson in the 2018 Packers draft meetings, there are gaping holes on the team’s draft board where Ted usually inserts the names of players hailing from the state of Utah. At the OTA’s opening press conference, new General Manager Brian Gutekunst told media reporters “This year we’re taking a different approach. Instead of selecting a player from Logan or Provo in every other round, we’ve decided to limit our total number of newbies from the state of Utah to a max of two, and those will only be undrafted free agent considerations.” Utah State chancellor Hedly Lammar claims the Packers are colluding with the NFL to force players from the Beehive State into the newly forming XFL, which is rumored to be targeting Mormons in order to fulfill its promise that no felons will be playing in their league. No official word yet from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell regarding his plea to Washington lawmakers to remove polygamy from the list of crimes considered a felony. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Former Badgers Headed for Green Bay MADISON—Badger football fans should anticipate several mid to late round picks materializing in this year’s draft. The most notable surprise is the late entry of Alex Hornibrook into the NFL draft. Following up on his flawless performance against the gold-toothed, gold chained cocaine cowboys of Miami, Hornibrook spent the spring practices lighting up freshman Badgers D-backs in the McClain Practice Facility. Hornibrook declared earlier this week “I’ve really got nothing left to prove. Yeah, I could hang around another year at Wisconsin and put up 45 points a game behind a 2-deep offensive line, three elite receivers and a Heisman contending tailback, but it’s time to move on.” Despite Adam Shefter, John Clayton and Jay Glazer all having Hornibrook projected as a 6th round pick, the Chicago Bears are said to be locked onto him with the 8th overall pick this year. Bears GM Ryan Pace said “We’re not used to picking this late, and if Hornibrook is still on the board when it’s our turn we’re definitely taking him. I may have even talked Tampa into trading their number 7 pick to us for our number 8, plus our 2nd rounder this year and next so, well, I don’t want to show our hand too much … you’ll just have to watch what happens.” Badger Underground has inside information regarding Packers interest in former Badgers, and projects Nick Nelson to be picked by the Green & Gold in the 3rd round with the 101st pick. The all-Big Ten CB stock rose briefly during the combine/pro day with a fast 40-yd dash time, followed by a torn meniscus causing his stock to fall. Generally, he was a lock-down cover guy, but somehow managed not to record an INT in three years as a starter. With muggings being spot fouls in the NFL, one cannot overlook the handful of bailout 15-yard muggings that he committed last season or the muggings that were not called, #RichardSherman. Projected to Green Bay with the 172nd pick in the fifth round is Troy Fumagalli. His stock was hurt by a groin/sports hernia injury that limited his snaps during the second half of the season. The closest comparable is Richard Rogers, who possessed very good hands but lacked speed. Since the Packers seem to be in the mode of cutting receivers & DB’s without a backup plan while going cheap, Fumagalli would make a good backfill. With the 207th pick in the 6th round, the Packers will select Leon Jacobs. As he possesses the combine metrics of great speed and high bench press reps, Jacobs has a great deal of upside. Having switched positions a number of times, missed a year with a broken foot and didn’t break the starting lineup until Watt & Biegel graduated, Jacobs was not on scouts’ radar screens coming into the season. Leon will be the sleeper in this year’s draft. The Pack will take Jack Cichy with the 232nd pick in the 7th round. A torn pectoral wiped out the second half of a monster season in 2016, and a torn ACL wiped out all of 2017, so Cichy is yet another Badgers defensive IR risk. Incredible upside and a take-no-prisoners approach to his game, he would represent a pleasant departure from the type of linebacker that the Packers have drafted too frequently since 2009. *****When healthy, this guy is a beast! With the 239th pick in the 7th round, the Packers select Garrett Dooley. Simply put, GD just kept filling the box score with high tackle numbers since replacing Jack Cichy midway through the 2016 season. Being the 4th Badger selected by the Packers from that #1 NCAA defense last year, Green Bay’s defense is sure to crack the top ten this year. Pack your bags for Atlanta. Michigan State Officials Confident They Have Plan In Place For Next Time Doctor Sexually Assaults 156 Children East Lansing, MI—Tired of being cast as the University of Michigan’s “little brother,” Michigan State has long sought after an interschool rivalry on par with the tradition of Wolverines v. Buckeyes. This time, though, they might have gone too far. “It’s a classic copycat crime” said Abraham Gruber, personal lawyer of former Penn State football coaching assistant Jerry Sandusky. “Michigan State always believed that being the only other ‘State’ named school besides Ohio State gave them real appeal to Big Ten academic hopefuls, but ever since Penn State joined the conference, the Spartans have been trying to one-up the Nittany Lions at just about everything. We received a LOT of media attention when our football program had coaches get caught red handed in the showers with a few wayward young boys, so now THEY had to hire an Olympic gymnastics doctor that abused hundreds of young girls. Why is everything such a competition with them?” “We blew it” said Dak Blistur, interim dean of the university. There’s no reason we should have got caught. Something like this is fairly easy to keep from the public at large. Well, certainly for at least a couple hundred times anyway, and, for that – on behalf of the school, I apologize.” Sparty was wise to move much of the school’s freezable assets to offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands before distracted FBI officials could get warrants to seize most staff computers, something the school is particularly proud of. “We’ll bounce back from this” said a cautiously optimistic Blistur, “whether you like it or not.” We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Aside from the draft, Coach thought it might be fun to remind everyone of another reason why the Packers are destined to win the NFC Norris again this year (barring any dirty / illegal plays that put Aaron Rodgers on the PUP list): the inevitable ineptitude of our divisional foes to hit on free agents. Here are some classics from the past and predictions for 2018… Detroit Lions – QB Scott Mitchell (1994). After backing up Dan Marino in Miami and going 3-4 in 7 starts for the Dolphins in 1993, the Lions saw Mitchell as the final piece to an explosive attack featuring Barry Sanders and Herman Moore. But – he sucked. His 4-years / $21 Million contract is one of the worst deals of all time. He lost his job to Charlie Batch, for crypes sake! Coach’s prediction: this year’s Lions free agent bust will be LaGarrette Blount (RB). Why? Obviously, it’s because he’s the only recognizable free agent name signed by the Lions in 2018 that could be considered a bust. The Lions pretty much re-signed their own guys (yay!) or picked up scraps from other teams that were looking to improve those positions. No real threat from the Lions this year in the free agency wars. Chicago Bears – WR Sam Hurd (2011). Never hurd of him (sorry)? Why not Mike Glennon’s guaranteed $18.5 million, and then waiving him in the offseason? Hey, this is the Bears we’re talking about … picking their worst free agent signing is like trying to find a drop of water in Lake Michigan. Sam Hurd actually became a convicted criminal after signing with the Bears for $5.15 million! In his first season, he was arrested on federal drug charges when caught in a sting trying to purchase drugs from a supplier in Texas. No big deal? He could play for the Seahawks, or Broncos, or Patriots you say, and not even be charged? I’m not talking about a dime-bag here. Hurd wanted 10 kilos of cocaine and half-ton of marijuana per week. He is currently serving a 15-year sentence in a Texas prison. Coach’s prediction: this year’s Bears free agent bust will be WR Allen Robinson (3-years, $45 million). Robinson tore his ACL at the beginning of the season last year and hasn’t played since. He might not even be ready for this year’s opener. When he does get on the field, he will come to realize that it’s true what people say, “It takes 2 years to recover from an ACL tear, and the Bears still suck.” Robinson will become apathetic on a winless team with a shitty quarterback by the time he gets his legs back. Minnesota Vikings – CB Fred Smoot (2005). Smoot infamously claimed “2/3 of the world is covered by water. The other 1/3 is covered by Fred Smoot.” None of that is true, but this is: he signed a 6-year $34 million deal, but only started 22 games. Smoot was more prominently known for his trouble ON the water … he organized the infamous “Love Boat” scandal that turned the Vikings into a national punch line, and led to Smoot pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance on a watercraft. The Vikings cut bait after just 2 seasons. Coach’s prediction: this year’s Vikings free agent bust will be Kirk Cousins. No QB that goes 0-2 in their entire playoff career is worth $87 million guaranteed, right Tony Romo? Cousins is a bottom-to-mid-tier (at best) QB and this signing will go down as the single most detrimental contract to the Vikings organization … even worse than the Herschel Walker signing, or hiring Mike Tice as head coach. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Do you know who took over leadership of the Packers AFTER Curly Lambeau? Most folks never knew or forgot, and maybe for good reason… Gene Ronzani wasn’t very successful as the Packers 2nd head coach (and General Manager) from 1950-1953, but he had a bigger impact on the franchise than what his 14-31-1 record reveals. The Iron Mountain, MI native changed the team uniform colors from the blue/gold Notre Dame knockoffs to the green and gold scheme that still reigns on the tundra today. And he was the first to allow African Americans into the Packers lineup, despite overt discontent voiced by many local Neanderthals of that epoch. Also noteworthy of Ronzani’s legacy is that he is credited with hiring a scout named Jack Vainisi, who discovered the likes of Jim Ringo, Ray Nitschke, Forrest Gregg, Bart Starr, Paul Hornung and Jim Taylor. Not too shabby. But, of course, there’s more nuggets the deeper we dig… Jack Vainisi had a younger brother in football, too – Jerry. And as any red blooded American knows, if you have 2 boys – 1 of them named Jack and the other named Jerry, Jerry will be loser. In August of 1983, Jerry “the Fairy” Vainisi became General Manager of the Chicago Bears. The Bears hired Jerry because his brother Jack was credited with bringing in the talent, as well as head coach Vince Lombardi, that led to the glory years in Green Bay (even though no reasonable person should extrapolate sibling relations to such a foolish conclusion). You might say “Wait a minute, isn’t Jerry then responsible for assembling that powerhouse 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle team?” and the answer would be “No, that was Jim Finks.” Jerry dismantled that talented team which otherwise should have ruled as an NFL dynasty until Ron Wolf came to Green Bay. Not only did he suck the talent out of Chicago like the NAFTA deal sending jobs down to Mexico, he also was responsible for removing the Honey Bears cheer-leading squad, suggesting that they could be replaced by a high school marching band. After being fired by the Bears in 1986, Jerry Vainisi was hired as Detroit’s VP of player personnel. He was hell bent on drafting local roid-boy Tony Manderich, but when the Packers scooped up the MSU behemoth Tackle with the 2nd overall pick, Vainisi was forced to fill his running back need with the #3 pick, taking Heisman trophy winner Barry Sanders -- and couldn't surround him with enough talent to win more than 1 playoff game. Jerry eventually left Detroit to create and head the football operations of what became NFL Europe … another colossal failure. No surprise, in 2010 Jerry Vainisi was inducted into the Chicagoland Sports hall of Fame. What a joke that city is; in essence, honoring a complete failure with the Bears because his brother was great Packers talent scout. Time to crack open a Billy Beer. See ya after the "draft"
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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