Packers Announce New Housing Venture VILLAGE OF ASHWAUBENON—On the coattails of what has become an undeniably successful investment partnership with Lodge Kohler, this week the Green Bay Packers embarked upon Phase II of their residential expansion at Lambeau Field. “I’m happy and proud today to announce the opening of Trembling Gates as the first assisted living complex housed inside of an NFL stadium!” beamed Packers President, Mark Murphy. “To be honest, we simply built too many luxury boxes. It’s hard to win consistently in the NFL, and we just couldn’t find enough people that were excited enough about the team’s prospects to fill the vacant seating areas near the top of the stadium.” A detailed study of Northeast Wisconsin demographics revealed to Murphy that many senior citizen invalids are lifelong Packers fans, and are also in need of around-the-clock care that they cannot get at their own home from spouses or from their adult children. The first official Trembling Gates resident, Ted Thompson, is purportedly already settled in. When reached for comment, his full-time hospice attendant Kelly Haene told us “Ted is the ‘classic’ senior living resident and real joy to be around. He’s so funny. Yesterday he kept grumbling the word ‘Jello’ over and over again for like 4-hours straight, and then he lurched out of his chair and bit me on the forearm. …tore a chunk of flesh right off. What a kidder! I called him ‘Sassy Boy’ and he sort of smiled out of one side of his mouth.” Murphy concluded his press conference by suggesting that this was no ordinary old folks home. Each Trembling Gates resident gets complimentary viewing for any Lambeau Field event. Plus, every resident that locks into a lifetime commitment contract receives an autographed black and white framed picture of Wayne Larrivee to hang in their quarters. He went on to say “These seniors are so happy to a part of the Packers, even if it means we’ll fleece their families out of substantial inheritance. I really think many of the residents actually prefer it that way, and it’s nice we can give them that option.” Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Welcome to the Week 17 / Game 16 Edition of The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! … the special “House Cleaning Edition” We got whacked 16-0 by the Vikings, at home, yes, in Lambeau, for the 2nd shutout at home for the year. Driving away from Lambeau, the car thermometer said 3 degrees Fahrenheit, the guy on the radio said the wind chill made it feel like -15…all I know is that the chick shown below preparing to shotput the ball to the Jordy Nelson has a better chance of scoring than Bert Hundley ever will. Coach is going take a little bit different path today and put the Vikings game in a larger context. Perhaps the Arc-of-Symmetry? 2006 was McCarthy’s first year as Coach, and the last time we got spanked for naught 2x in one season: Sept. 10th, 2006 26-0 vs. Bears Nov. 19th, 2006 35-0 vs. Patriots The QB? A guy named Brett. 2017 was McCarthy’s last year as Coach, and he finished his career in Green Bay by getting spanked for naught 2x during the season. Nov. 19th, 2017 23-0 vs. Ravens Dec. 23rd, 2017 16-0 vs. Vikings The QB? A guy named Brett Ted Thompson arrived in GB in 2005 Season and selected Aaron Rodgers after McCarthy passed over him in San Francisco. (“Francisco” – that’s fun to say! …”Francisco”…”Francisco”) McCarthy arrived in GB in 2006, replacing Mike “The Human Pear” Sherman as HC. MM had #4 as QB, promoted Bob Sanders from D Line Coach to DC. Mark Murphy replaced Bob Harlan in Dec 2007, just in time to see the 2007 NFC Championship Game in Lambeau. The 2007 team was a SB caliber group that was stopped by a Brent Favor INT throw to the Giants….that was a cold night, much, much colder than last week’s Viking debacle. An OJ-White-Bronco-Drive around GB and 5 retirements later and AR is the new QB {not kidding here, local news helicopters chased Favre’s SUV around GB after his 2008 training camp meeting with McCarthy to discuss retirement yet again}. Give McCarthy a pass for 2008 as Rodger’s 1st year, fire Bob Sanders, hire Capers in 2009 and we have our current “Leadership Team.” Now let’s summarize the 2017 Season: October 15th the Season ended. Any questions? Well yeah, Coach, I have a lot of questions. Aaron Rodgers is obviously very important, but is he really the only player on the Team? Amazingly, Johnny, it seems like he is. Let’s have a look at “the chain of command” from the playing field to the Front Office and see if we can figure out “what the hell is going on out there?” AR got busted up in Minneapolis in October and the new Brett stepped in. It turns out that he is exactly like the old Brett, except for a couple of things. For example, he’s not very good at passing. The shot below of Jordy fielding a one-hopper is a good example of why Jordy could probably play short stop, but it’s not a good way to play football. Brett is exactly like the other Brett, except that he can’t pass very well and doesn’t win very many games. He is 3-6 overall as a QB…. Hmmm ….and he only managed one win in Lambeau …. and got shut out twice!! The wins came against the three worst teams in the League, and two of those took OT. Shut outs? 2 “Normal” Losses? 4 OT Wins 2 “Normal” Wins 1 What the new Brett can do is run. See Brett? See Brett run. Why he run? Cuz he no look-see receivers. He no look-see receivers? No, he no look-see, and he no pass-complete… Hundley didn’t complete one pass over 20 yards on Saturday night, and he overthrew five deep balls that weren’t anywhere close to target. And, when he wasn’t overshooting his receivers, he held onto the ball too long. Remember, McCarthy (a.k.a. Dean of the famous Packers Quarterbacking School) has 3-YEARS invested in training and developing this guy. Zero TD’s and 7 INT’s at home is not a winning formula. Don’t be seduced by the “road stats”, two of those games are the Bears and the Browns; but give Hundleybrook credit, he did have a very good game in the loss to the Steelers (lucky game?). Hundley throws a lot of picks, especially to Harrison Smith. Three of his 8 picks were thrown to Smith, one in October, two more last Saturday night. On the first pick, he never saw Harrison Smith undercutting his underthrown pass to Lance Kendricks. On the second, he badly missed with a low throw and Smith scooped it up. Aaron Rodgers has a chuckle with Joe Callahan after the second interception. AR likes to call these moments his “Matt Flynn tips” on how to play football. Did anyone play well Coach? Yeah, Bakhtiari proved why he’s the best pass-blocking offensive tackle in the game (when Defensive Linemen have no footing), Jake Ryan led the team with 10 solo tackles (7-10 yards past the line of scrimmage), Kenny Clark looked extremely good and had a sack and a couple of hurries (against a backup Center and Guard). But who cares? We got shut out. The Vikings went into Saturday’s game at Lambeau Field ranked first in the league in third-down defense. And they pitched their first shutout victory (16-0) since 1993. Before Saturday, opponents had converted only 26.3 percent of their third downs and the Packers converted 25 percent, three of 12. So, who is this Harrison Smith guy and why are the Vikings so good? It’s not complicated. Rick Spielman has been running circles around Ted Thompson on draft day. Smith is the guy we could have picked in the 2012 draft, but passed on to pick Nick Perry…good arrangement? Not for us, let’s trade them Perry for Smith. In 2013, the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings had two of the NFL’s worst defenses. Since then the Vikings have drafted well and we haven’t. Since then the Vikings have Zimmer, a very good DC as Head Coach and we have Capers…Coach will break this down for you in the pre-draft edition, but basically Ted sucks at drafting, especially on D. The proof? We covered this last week, Johnny, Zer0/Zip/Nada Pro Bowl Players. We have very few players to show for draft after draft after draft of focusing on Defense… …and we have Dom Capers, allegedly “coordinating” our rag-tag bunch, but there is no evidence that anything is coordinated on the field. Let’s take a break here. What have we learned so far, kids?
OK, so that’s the story so far, but McCarthy is a good Coach, right? He told us so… he is a QB Whisperer. Have a look at the chart below. In our 3 close wins (against crappy teams) with Hundley we won by a TD. Good. In the 6 losses, we got totally spanked by a two-touchdown margin. No Offense (average of 12 points) paired with an even worse Defense (average of 25 points). This is not a winning formula guys. But they keep saying Capers is good … isn’t he? No Johnny, he’s not. The chart below is the Packer’s Defensive ranking for points allowed (ranking shown in the bars below, ranking on left axis) and average points per game allowed (blue line, points shown on right axis). Green Bar = Top 10 D Yellow Bar = 11-20 Ranking on D Red Bar = 21 – 32 Ranking on D So, Johnny, we can give Capers credit that the Defense has been consistent: consistently bad. The exception was 2010, the Super Bowl year (and we were bad on all defensive yardage measures that year, but we had a ton of turnovers). The take-away (pun intended) that any reasonable person should have from this chart is that the Packers Defense has been woeful for the last decade – consistently at or near the bottom of the League in terms of meaningful results. But Coach, we have McCarthy, and Rodgers, right? Well we do, but so what? The Chart below shows a distinct trend on offense. We are getting worse on offense over time, yes even with McCarthy and Rodgers. The bars show offensive ranking (the shorter the bar, the better) and the blue line shows Offensive Pts/Gm. Green Bar = Top 10 D Yellow Bar = 11-20 Ranking on D Red Bar = 21 – 32 Ranking on D Both the Ranking and the Pts/gm are trending in the wrong direction (Points down and ranking sliding toward yellow). It’s interesting how much better the Offense was that last time Rodgers was out in 2013 than it has been 2017. But how about the “Legume-Eminem-Combo”? The chart below shows that the Defense remains bad (to slightly trending worse) and the Offense is declining….and, no surprise, the extremely important Point Differential is really trending in the wrong direction. Recall from earlier editions that the typical Super Bowl winning team median point differential is 10 points for the season. The aggregate of Murphy/Thompson/McCarthy/Capers have had 4 of their 9 teams realistically in the hunt, and three of those four were ’09 – ’11. In the last four years only one team, the “Seattle-meltdown-team-of-2014”, was statistically a Super Bowl Team. I’m getting confused Coach, can you recap? OK Johnny, what have we learned so far?
But McCarthy is good, en so? Wait…What about when he doesn’t have Aaron Rodgers versus when he does have Aaron? What does that show? Well, Johnny, good question. Coach has compared the records of McCarthy (without Rodgers) to Vince Lombardi (without Bart Starr) to Bill Belichick (without Brady) to Don Shula (who did not have QB Bob Griese for 9 of the 17 games in the only perfect season in NFL history). First, Shula is off the map. The 1972 Dolphins won 9 games of their 17-0 season with Earl Morrall the all-time superstar backup QB. Lombardi and Belichick win 2 out of 3… …McCarthy loses 2 out of 3 without “their QB”. The football gods love symmetry Johnny. McCarthy, Lombardi and Belichick all coached 18/19 games without their superstar QB’s…and McCarthy’s record is the inverse of the other two. McCarthy is No. 2 behind Curly Lambeau for total games coached and is 4 on the all-time list for winning percentage…BUT…if you look at the games he’s Coached with Rodgers, he is one of the worst coaches in Packer’s history. No. 13 overall. There is no evidence to support any conclusion other than McCarthy is just a “Grade D/C coach” who got lucky when Ted gave him Aaron. So where does that leave us, Coach? House cleaning time. Coach recommends a complete regime change. Sadam must go, Momar must go, they all must go…particularly Murphy because he sits at the top of this steaming pile and he’s done nothing. Of course, what Coach has described is what should happen. More likely, nothing will happen. Oh, Capers may be fired and a couple of assistants executed. But “Participation Trophy Mark” won’t have the cajones to move out Ted or Mike. Dammit. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up In case you didn’t hear, the morons at 1265 Lombardi Avenue that are holding our Packers organization as a perennial hostage almost forced themselves into releasing Aaron Rodgers due to violation of the League’s rules regarding Injured Reserve status. As soon as the Packers were eliminated from playoff contention last Monday, the team's front office began to shut the season down. Its first move was to preserve banged up quarterback Aaron Rodgers by placing him on injured reserve and ending his season. The decision was hardly a surprise, and it was entirely a rule violation. And now several NFL teams are calling on Roger “Comey” Goodell to force the Pack to waive the League’s best player so they can pounce. The problem, as the other teams and anyone with common sense would see it, is that Rodgers was placed on IR not because he was injured, but because the Packers were knocked out of the playoff race. That's a problem, as ESPN's Kevin Seifert explains: The NFL classifies injuries as "major" or "minor" based on whether it will take more or less than six weeks for the player to recover. In essence, a player placed on IR with a minor injury is subject to waivers after he recovers. In Rodgers' case, the question is what happened during his Dec. 17 start against the Carolina Panthers to put him in the "major" category. There's reason to believe that nothing "major" at all happened… Following the team's Sunday game against the Panthers, McCarthy said that Rodgers was "sore," but nothing more. And that's just what you'd expect for a guy who broke his collar bone two months earlier. On that Monday, the Packers were eliminated from the playoffs and Rodgers was still healthy, according to the team. Then, on Tuesday, he was placed on IR. It's pretty obvious what the Packers did and the rule was clearly broken. But does that mean the team should be forced to cut Rodgers loose? According to the rules, yes. But the Packers have one possible line of defense: The NFL has to approve IR moves before they happen, meaning the league already signed off on this. One might say the Packers were “extremely careless” even though gross negligence is the standard of their modus operandi at 1265 Lombardi Ave. Just be thankful Goodell spends his time hating on the Patriots and not the Packers, or Rodgers might have ended up playing for the 49ers in 2018. Thompson, Kim Kindred Spirits PYONGYANG,NK–“We’re a lot alike in many ways” said North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, referring to Packers GM Ted Thompson. “I mean, think about it, we both have way more power than we can be trusted with, we’re both crazy, we’re both single men, and we both have people that protect us from being removed from positions that we’ll likely remain in until we’re dead. Sure, we make everyone else miserable, but that’s too bad for you, bitches!” “I imagine he’s the kinda guy you’d like to have a beer with,” said Thompson of Kim “…you know, like Obama did a few years ago in the Rose Garden with that black professor and the white cop who he pissed off and then staged a sort of ‘I’m really a cool guy’ event to cover things up. Except I’m kinduva dick, too, so KJU and I would probably get along pretty good. Uh, I forgot … what was your question?” No official word yet if the two powerful, derelict leaders will meet in the near future to have that elusive beer, but suffice it to say, well, there really is nothing else to say. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Well, another season has come and gone for the Chicago Bears. This just in, they still suck. Here are some nuggets of their sad, maladroit existence (look it up):
Fangio has long been a successful nemesis to Offenses across the NFL (and particularly to the NFC North), dating back to his days as DC for the 49ers, Texans, Colts, and Panthers. He would look great in Green and Gold, BTW … just sayin. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Win this eye test game, Wisconsin finishes the season as a top 5 team. Let’s recap previous eye test showdowns that presented opportunities for Wisconsin to finish as a top 5 team. The 2010 Tolzein/Kendricks/JJ Watt/John Clay/Montee Ball team boasted a regular season win over top ranked Ohio State, followed by a 31-30 thriller at Iowa where Bret Bielema out-did Kirk Ferentz in late-game clock management, beat-downs of Michigan and Northwestern and a Rose Bowl match-up vs. TCU. This game is remembered for John Clay coming back 20 pounds heavier from injury and steam-rolling TCU down the stretch with an opportunity to tie with a 2-point conversion. Conventional thinking, along with everyone else in the stadium and the TCU defense was that the ball was going to John Clay. Paul Chryst/Bret Bielema channeled their inner Pet Carroll, calling for a pass, which was knocked down by a TCU LB Tank Carder. The following season, Russell Wilson led a team which was national championship caliber. Those hopes were dented by knuckle-headed clock management by Bret Bielema allowing Michigan State to win the game with a Hail Mary pass. A similar 40-yard heave by Braxton Miller with 20 seconds to go the following week at Ohio State further sealed the deal. Wisconsin redeemed the MSU loss in the Big Ten Championship game with a late 4th & 6 Russell Wilson bomb to Jeff Duckworth. A Rose Bowl win vs. Oregon would cap a season with a top 5-6 ranking. Two uncharacteristic 2nd half turnovers and Bret Bielema spending timeouts like dollar bills at Beansnappers thwarted any chance of another Russell Wilson late game comeback. Despite lacking a passing game late in the year with Kurt Phillips as QB, Wisconsin landed in the Rose Bowl vs. Stanford following a 70-31 beatdown of Nebraska in the Big Ten championship game. A win would legitimize their season. Lack of a passing game led to a 20-14 loss with Barry filling in for the departed Bret Bielema. Enter Gary Anderson and Melvin Gordon. Wisconsin held the upper hand and a lead in the Capital One bowl game vs. #9 South Carolina when Joel Stave was knocked out in the second half with a shoulder injury. Then 2014 led off with an eye test game vs. LSU in Houston. The only one in the building who could stop Melvin Gordon was Gary Anderson. Leading 24-7, Gordon mysteriously ceased getting carries following a 63-yard run early in the third quarter. Gary Anderson was evasive regarding Gordon’s lack of carries in the second half, and even more evasive two days later regarding a shoulder injury to Joel Stave, which Stave said never happened. That set the stage for Anderson’s exit and Barry’s 2nd return to the sideline in 2 years for a bowl game. Following a 59-0 beat-down by Ohio State in the Big Ten championship game, Wisconsin took consolation with an OT win vs. Auburn in their bowl game. The Paul Chryst team led off the 2015 season with an eye test vs. Alabama. They failed miserably with Cory Clement leaving early and missing several games with a sports hernia. A few weeks later, Wisconsin self-destructed at home vs. a very good Iowa team, fumbling the chance to win at their goal line. The only other loss came at the end of that season to Northwestern when Jazz Peavy caught the winning TD pass, took seven steps in the endzone before getting hit and slightly bobbling the ball as he went out of bounds. A tough bowl match-up against a very good USC team saw the return of Corey Clement and Robert Wheelright from injuries that wiped out most of their season. Though not given proper credit as an eye test game, this was a matchup of two very good teams. With Joel Stave playing perhaps his best game and Jack Cichy having a career second half, Wisconsin won 23-21. 2016 brought several eye test games, starting off with a win vs. national championship contender LSU at Lambeau, followed by a win vs. #8 MSU, losses to #4 Michigan and #2 Ohio State, a win vs. #7 Nebraska and a drink-to-forget loss to #8 Penn State in the Big Ten championship game. Wisconsin was rewarded with a Cotton Bowl matchup vs. overrated #12 Western Michigan. This game should have been a blowout and a statement, but Paul Chryst morphed into Mike McCarthy, making it a closer game than it should have been. There you have it, several instances since 2010 of falling just short of passing the eye test and being regarded as an elite program. Now here’s a couple of points to ponder before Bucky meets the ‘Canes… With three weeks to mull over the Orange Bowl matchup vs. Miami, here’s what Badger Underground thinks the outcome of this game comes down to… Odds are Miami’s offense isn’t going to do anything against Wisconsin’s defense. Uncharacteristic coverage busts and poor tackling angles like Wisconsin had on a handful of plays against Ohio State could allow Miami’s offense to put up a few big plays. That likelihood is lessened by the expected return of D’kota Dixon. With him on the field we are faster, more disruptive and most of the Ohio State big plays don’t happen. Miami is no Ohio State when it comes to offense. Their QB doesn’t throw picks, but they don’t have the weapons to control TOP and convert third downs. Miami’s defense vs. Wisconsin’s offense is the key to the game. Hornibrook had the whole regular season to clean up his pick problem, finally playing a clean game against hapless Minnesota, only to throw two game-changing picks vs. Ohio State forcing the ball to Fumigalli who was not at all open on either play. The problem that we see is Miami’s defense possibly being better than Ohio State’s. Wisconsin couldn’t run against Ohio State and this could also happen against Miami. Wisconsin missed Neuville blocking for Taylor, but more importantly, couldn’t handle Ohio State’s athleticism. Wisconsin racked up a lot of fluffy stats against defenses that needed to sell out to stop their run game. That made for easy passes to TE’s & receivers. Miami, like Ohio State, should be able to play Wisconsin straight up. If they choose to blitz or load the box, they have the athletes to lock down Wisconsin receivers. Hornibrook had success against Ohio State completing perfectly thrown passes to receivers who were blanketed by Ohio State defenders. Danny Davis made a couple of great catches in that game. Let’s assume Wisconsin isn’t going to run on Miami. Let’s also assume Wisconsin isn’t going to put up gaudy 3rd down conversion rates like they did against their mediocre regular season opponents. Since we can also assume Miami’s offense isn’t going to score on Wisconsin, this game then comes down to Hornibrook making just enough plays and not F’ing things up forcing passes, particularly to Fumigalli, who will never win a 50/50 ball battle. Deiter is going to get toasted and Hornibrook is going to be running for his life—just like we saw vs. Ohio State. He will need to hit receivers between the numbers to keep drives going. He’s got enough weapons for Miami’s defense to worry about. Paul Chryst will need to empty out the playbook like we saw in the last game (hint: more passes to backs out of the backfield … both fullbacks can catch the ball and play like an extra TE). Expect a bust-free dominating performance from Bucky’s defense. We shouldn’t need to put up a bunch of points offensively to win. Cut out the picks, fumbles and red zone procedure calls and we will make good on the spread, which is now at 4.5. Badgers 20, Miami 13, in Bucky’s first-ever Orange Bowl appearance (#CottonBowlLastYear). We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game …in light of the current situation, Coach has temporarily renamed this section “Now it’s the Pre-Season” (NIT-PiS) For those in Packer Nation who were born at the conclusion of the Lombardi era, you’re staring down the barrel of 50, and you grew up only knowing the Packers and Lions as really bad, or mediocre at best, teams incapable of fielding a group of players that could compete for an NFL Championship (but the Vikings managed to somehow build a championship caliber Defense all that while … Hmmmm). So every time the Packers were scheduled against the Lions when I was a bucking young lad, it was Sunday at noon, guys had longer hair than girls, and 2 shitty teams from opposite sides of Lake Michigan played badly against each other in a meaningless game. Well folks, welcome back to the 1970’s. But now it’s 40 years later, and we find ourselves again in a similar predicament -- several years past our last championship title. Why? Well, have no fear. We will pull this one out because Hundley plays better outside the friendly confines of Lambeau Field, and because this Sunday is more or less a glorified Pre-Season Game that will allow McCarthy/Capers/Thompson to look good in their last game together… Another OT win for the Pack: Packers 30 Lions 24 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them As we close out a disappointing 2017 season, it is right and just that we pay homage to the Ice Bowl Championship Packers team and the fans who were there or watched the game on TV, or dove back into historical recordings of it if they were too young to see it live. As you probably are aware, this Sunday marks the 50th anniversary of that famous game – revered by many as the most memorable NFL football game of all time. You know who won, and how it happened. You know about the malfunctioning heaters under the turf that froze the ground before kickoff. You probably even heard about the receptionist working at the Holiday Inn on Ashland Avenue that morning, how she called each room with Cowboys players in it and said “Good morning, this is your wake up call, the time is 7am and the temperature outside is minus 15 degrees. Welcome to Green Bay.” Awesome. Yeah, the Packers stunk it up this year, but that’s not why Coach is disappointed. Well, ok, it really pisses me off, but there’s a larger issue here… It’s totally inexcusable that Dallas did not play at Lambeau Field on the 50th anniversary of the Ice Bowl – especially since the two teams were scheduled to meet this year anyways. Yeah, I know, league rules dictated that the Packers play in Dallas this year because blah, blah, blah…. But this is the golden anniversary of one of the things that made the NFL truly popular and great, Motherfkrs, and the idiots running the show completely missed it. I submit to you that the absence of the Cowboys playing the Packers at Lambeau Field on the 50th anniversary of the Ice Bowl exemplifies why the NFL is waning in popularity these days. It’s not the kneeling of players during the National Anthem (although that doesn’t help), it’s the fact that the League is run by Hollywood / New York media moguls and by lawyers, not football guys that love the game and its rich history, regardless of the financial riches to be had. Shoot, Mark Murphy is more of a laywer than an ex-player. Recall that Kaepernick was kneeling at games well over a year ago, but it wasn’t until the media made it a headline at the start of THIS season that people associated with the game had to spend time addressing it. Now networks focus on which endzone celebration has the best choreography (Dick Enberg is rolling over in his grave), but real football fans don’t care about that short-lived attention crap. We, the fans who are invested enough into the sanctity of the game to keep it perpetually at the forefront of every Sunday afternoon in Fall, are being cast aside. Don’t piss us off. You wanna know why people aren’t watching NFL football? It’s because Green Bay, New York, and Dallas have shitty football teams (these are the teams that drive the League’s fan base) and non-football stories are taking over the game coverage. Sitting in a tree stand (or playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live, or watching YouTube videos, or whatever it is that the kids do these days) on an Autumn Sunday afternoon was much more enjoyable than watching Packers games this year. Just sayin…it was. The NFL should not be worried about trivial, myopic things like tweets going viral or becoming trendy with millennials, or which overtly politically correct cause they should ram down our throats, but that’s how the League is presenting itself. It needs to get back to the fundamentals (#blockingandtackling) of the what made watching the game so enjoyable … rivalries, blown calls, heroes and villains, emotional drama, die-hard fans in memorable scenarios, etc. The kinda stuff that makes watching football important to people...important enough to want to say "I was there." The owners better get their shit together or they will be way overextended on half-filled stadiums, despite their team’s success on the field (#LARams). So, 1967 Packers and all the fans who were there at the Ice Bowl, we salute you. League tycoons, watch replays of the Ice Bowl and read about it in books of lore to learn what makes the NFL and their true fans truly great, and then apply what you learn (before we spend our season ticket coffers at Cabelas). Don't worry, Coach will be back for the 2018 Draft...
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Ho, Ho, Ho -- Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Youth-In-Asia Could Be Answer for Capers HOBART,WI—Looking to take a break from the stresses that come with being a high-profile coach on an NFL team that failed to make the playoffs, Packers Defensive Coordinator Dom Capers is planning a unique adventure in January. “Usually I just go golfing, but this year I was trying to find a new approach to clear my mind in a way that helps others, too.” said Capers. Then, while taking their cat Precious to the local vet this past Monday, he was discussing philanthropic relaxation ideas with his wife Sadie. “A passerby overheard us and suggested I would be a good candidate for ‘Youth-In-Asia.’ It was something that I hadn’t ever thought of before because — to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was all about.” Although he’s still researching this opportunity to get more specifics, Capers believes there are children in Asia who need some sort of assistance or guidance of some sort. “The only thing I know for sure is that to go there you need to see a doctor first to get a shot, I guess it’s for malaria or something like that.” Capers already has an appointment set up at the local hospice with Dr. Kev Orkian following exit interviews with his players a week from Monday. “I’m really looking forward to how this event can change me,” smiled the 60-something Defensive genius “and from what people say I think Youth-In-Asia might be good for Ted Thompson, too.” Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme OK, now we know the answer. Even Super-Man-Rodgers could not save the day. The line between winning and losing is very fine in the NFL, particularly when you have a mediocre team. Rodger’s 3 interceptions and Geronimo’s ball-stripped-fumble on the final offensive play for the Pack were too much. Negative 4 on turnovers is too much for most NFL teams to overcome. Surprised? No, the only surprise for Coach is that it wasn’t a 20+ point blowout. In a minor tip-o-the-cap, Coach can say, “it’s amazing that the score was so close when we sucked so bad, well done boys”. Coach has inside information from the Locker Room after the game, and yes, it was almost the same as at DNC HQ last November. “Nice try” and “we’ll get’em next time” were the warm words of encouragement from Team Apologist Mark Murphy. The first half can be summarized as “a bit sloppy” but, “hey, we’re winning at half-time”. In the second-half the difference in talent and Coaching shone thru. Everyone in at least 49 of these 52 United States knew that Rodger’s would be rusty, so time for the Defense to rise to the occasion! There are two Carolina drives in particularly that caused Coach to have to go get the new Circuit City 4G TV that he wanted anyway. On the opening drive of the 2nd Half, the Panthers drove straight down the field and scored…on a play that they narrowly missed on two years ago. This will make you sick... Greg Olson is basically laughing at the Packers defense, he was sort of covered by Josh Jones and was wide open on his part of the “Caucasian invasion” (click on link). (Note, Coach is too chicken to touch Mr. Newton’s comment at the end in this PC-mad world, other than to note that the one-way-street sign needs to be posted to avoid accidents.) So, tough game, on the road, an AR INT and we’re down by 10. Follow with a gritty 47-yard drive by the Pack, a Mason Crosby FG and we’re only down by a TD. Time for the D to “Bow-Up” and shut this thing down!! Right?? Are you with me?? W & T & F Railroad is going on out there? The Panthers go 75 yds on 8 plays to take a 31-17 lead. Game over.. Yeah, yeah, an AR TD drive, miracle onside kick, Geronimo fumbled the miracle-TD-that-was-coming…don’t kid yourself…we got our asses handed to us in Carolina. Take it from Coach, or take if from Mark Tauscher, the Packers Defense is completely unoriginal and does not confuse even the dumbest offensive players in the rest of the league. {In an exclusive, completely unsubstantiated, 4th hand story from Mark Tauscher, who spoke to a guy, who told the story to a friend of Coach, Tausch thinks the Defense sucks because it is so vanilla and easy to scheme against. So, there’s that, then.} Don’t agree with Coach? Well, then Coach has a few exercises for you to do: 1) Explain away the table below. Coach has assembled a variety of defensive statistics, showing both the rank in the NFL and the average value of the statistic thru Gm 14. To aid you, the loyal reader, in getting quickly past the football stuff to, as-they-say, the more titillating sections of the blog, Coach has color coded each stat. One hint: Red is bad (Rank 21-33); Yellow is pathetic (Rank11-20); Green is good, where you need to be to win a SB… B) If, after reviewing the table above, you still believe that the Packers don’t have a problem on Defense, then Coach directs you to pound sand. A lot has been written and said about our Defense this week. None if it has been flattering, all if it has been true. As Coach has written in this column previously, there are four possible explanations. And no, injury is not one of the explanations. Coach will digress for a moment to disabuse you of that excuse. The graph below is from Man-Games-Lost dot com: * it shows that yet again we are about average for both the number of injuries and the impact of the players lost. * it also shows that well run teams like Philadelphia and New England actually have more injuries, but somehow tend to win anyway (good coaching maybe?). To be fair, one thing this analysis doesn’t capture is the loss of first year players. There is no track record, so MGL essentially uses “0” to weight the impact of their loss (which is the bubble size). A hidden “negativity”, to borrow McCarthy’s idiotic expression from this week, is the impact of having a young roster in the shuffling of inexperience from one gaping hole to another. OK, so back to the for possible reasons that we are so abjectly awful on Defense: Put that in your thinking cap and come back to Coach with a different explanation. Coach says the primary reason is a combination of a Bad Scheme (#1) combined with inexperienced Players (#4). As points of reference, the last, and only, time we had a good D with Eminem and Capers together, we had a Nick Collins directing the D and a Pro-Bowl-Hall-of-Famer in Woodson who knew when to play is his role and when to freelance. Experienced players who knew how to run the scheme. Want more evidence? The Pro Bowl rosters were released this week. Where did we come out? Zer0, zip, nada…tied with the Bears (4 wins), Jets (5 wins), Colts (3 wins), and Cleveland with nuthin’ That is Ted’s fault. And, to add insult to injury, two former Packers that we did not re-sign, Casey Hayward and Micah Hyde did make it. Are Hayward and Hyde HOF’ers? Absolutely not, but they are very good players, playing a role in a scheme they can contribute to…and we could not figure out how to keep them on the roster. Instead we have Jermaine Whitehead committing a PI on 3rd down on the 12-yard line to allow Charlotte to go up 24-14 in the 3rd. Coach disdains the normal BS from the National Talking Heads, even more than the nonsense from local beat writers like Rob Dipshit Demovsky. However, the Cow Herder can recognize cow excrement when he sees it. In this case he does a fairly decent job of analyzing the steaming pile of roster that we have, which may sound a bit familiar to you (click on link). For you young’uns that have known nothing but success for the last 25 years, it’s important to note that Coach loves the Pack and will always go to every game that he can. Regardless of the likely outcome we will drink and cheer and be loyal fans. What frustrates you, and frustrates Coach, is that Rodger’s is a once-in-a-generation talent, and Murphy-Thompson-McCarthy-Capers are wasting him. We are fans of the team, not the regime. Serious moment here for serious times… …Coach sincerely thinks a full house cleaning from Murphy on down is needed to turn this thing around… …Coach is calling for Regime-Change. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up And now, a taxonomy of who most male Packer fans resemble by age… Ages 12 and under: Jerry O’Connell in Stand By Me Ages 13-20: young Chris Farley Ages 21-34: Chris Farley the rest of the time Ages 35-55: one of the BoDeans Ages 56 and older: Ed Gein Vikings Coach Has No Thumbs MINNEAPOLIS-Responding to a pluming cloud of doubt surrounding his masculinity, Mike “the Sloth” Zimmer addressed the media after practice Tuesday claiming he can’t throw like a man because he has no thumbs. Upon further investigation, anonymous sources have confirmed that the Vikings head coach does in fact throw like a girl. Suspicions arose when Zimmer threw a challenge flag in dispute of an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after Vikings Defensive Tackle Jervis Threadstone appeared to drag his scrotum across the face of Bengals Running Back Ceril Bowswitch inside a pile of players during a fumble recovery scrum. “Zimmer’s overhand delivery is paltry and weak” growled Minnesota Twins retired pitching coach Lefty Burnside, adding “…we used to beat up kids like him at recess when we were bored with peeling lead paint off of school walls.” Following up on this story Zimmer could not be reached for comment, but we did leave numerous voice mails on his answering machine featuring music from Cabaret. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof POTUS Critiques Bears Front Office WASHINGTON,DC-President Donald J. Trump raised some eyebrows in Chicago Wednesday morning during his regular press briefing from the blue room at the White House. After bragging to reporters about the passage of his sweeping tax reform legislation, liberal media correspondents quickly pivoted to still-unresolved issues on the president’s plate like North Korea and Iran. Mr. Trump pounced on the Iran nuclear deal, which former President Obama masterminded in order to pay the rogue nation $485 million while enabling them to proliferate their nuclear arsenal. “It made no sense!” exclaimed President Trump. “It was worse than when the Chicago Bears traded up from number 3 to number 2 in order to get a quarterback that nobody wanted. And nobody wanted Mitchell Trubisky, believe me. He’s a complete failure in the NFL. A complete failure.” President Trump is right about the Chicago Bears’ number 1 pick. The Bears managed to make their bad 2016 QB situation worse in 2017. Of the 32 quarterbacks in the NFL, Mitchell Trubisky is ranked – you guessed it, 32nd. The objective NFL QBR statistics indicate the highest ranked quarterback is fellow rookie, Deshawn Watson of Houston (81.8 Total QBR). Unfortunately for Watson (and the NFL), he went out midway through the season with an ACL injury, and only had roughly 300 snaps – a similar quantity to Aaron Rodgers (ranked 8th with a Total QBR of 62.7). What about the other NFC North QB’s? Case Keenum of Minnesota is ranked 3rd with a Total QBR of 72.0 and Matthew Stafford of the Lions is 9th at 61.9. Way at the bottom is the Bears’ turdbiscut, with a Total QBR of 26.7. Jay Cutler is laughing his ass off, pulling in a cool $10 million in Miami, looking down at the Bears QB situation from his audacious perch at number 27 (Total QBR of 39.4, #sameoldjay). On the field, and in the front office, the proof is irrefutable that the Bears still suck (but you knew that anyway). Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately following the New Year’s Day bowl games, the NCAA announced at the conclusion of the Heisman trophy award ceremony that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did. “Holy shit, you know what, you guys are definitely getting suspended again for all that shit,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert, revealing that after the entire NCAA board suddenly recalled that high-level people throughout Penn State deliberately protected a child rapist for decades, the program would be banned from playing games through 2020. “I can’t believe we didn’t give you bastards a lifetime ban to begin with. What the hell were we thinking? That’s some seriously messed-up shit that nobody should ever get away with.” Emmert then added that there would be “no F’ing way” the NCAA would hear any appeals from Penn state. The current point spread is Bucky by 6.5 in essentially a home game for the ‘Canes. This is the eye test for Wisconsin. The “Canes are young and were serious overachievers this year. Watch out for them next year, but they are going down hard in the Orange Bowl. Sure, they beat Notre Dame. STFW? They should have lost to Georgia Tech, Virginia, and Florida State (at least)--in addition to the two games they actually lost. They recently lost their best receiver, Ahman Richards, to a knee injury and their dynamic tight end, Herndon, to some other malady. Their best running back, Mark Walton, hurt his ankle against FSU. He's been out since and is declaring for the draft. The QB, Rosier, really struggles with pressure. Clemson locked up his receivers on the outside and beat the Miami line badly. Miami struggles to run block and pass protect. Miami is a run team. Only Ohio State succeeded in running on the Badgers. Wisconsin will have a lot of success forcing bad throws like Clemson did. This should lead to turnovers. Leading tackler and bad-ass before his hamstring injury D’Cota Dixon should be healthy for the first time since mid-October. He’s gonna be blowing up Miami receivers & running backs. Joe Ferguson’s slow ass is going to spend most of the day on the bench. Expect no wide-open green spaces like we saw vs. tOSU or like we have become accustomed to seeing under Dom Capers. Instead of a lame ass turnover chain like Miami has, Bucky has agreed to do a beer bong after each one we get along with his push-ups for each point after a score. We are looking forward to a pick 6 with Bucky hurling. Beer bong first, push-ups second. Check this out. Miami has a great defense. They are young and very fired up. That turnover chain thing is soooo Miami but it works. These guys have 30 turnovers this season and Bucky has served up on a silver platter 23. This could be a sack fest for the Horn Dog. With Deiter getting beaten like a drum by Bosa, there is blood in the water. Miami is going to load the box and force Hornibrook to beat them over the top. How do we remedy this? Pound it with Taylor. End arounds to any swingin’ dick WR will help. And then BAM! Horn dog hits Fumigalli short or DD3 long! Miami's length and size on the defensive front can be a problem for Wisconsin. The Miami D is solid but very beatable. Clemson was successful with the short passing game and getting the ball quick on the outside to shifty guys. Wisconsin offensively does not have the horses Clemson does, but they have some guys who can be successful in this game. Watch for J.T. to rack up at least 150 yards rushing and Hornibrook to settle in to a decent game after his obligatory picks in the first quarter. Wisconsin did prove that it could move the ball against a real defense with talent. Take away two WTF forced balls to Fumigalli and we’re likely looking at a different perception of the Wisconsin offense. Problem is that there’s no reason to believe that Hornibrook is going to put together a clean game. Note that Miami did not match up well against teams with massive offensive lines and defensive fronts—Clemson and Pitt. Pitt could have been a case of Miami being a bunch of knuckleheads and overlooking them. The local Madison media are putzes comparing Miami to Ohio State, neglecting to make mention of Miami’s offensive challenges. We predict a 35-14 blow out, in favor of Bucky. The sooner Wisconsin gets Miami playing from behind, the larger the margin of victory. We have seen way too many games where the Wisconsin offense starts slow and turns the ball over during the first half. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game In light of the current situation, Coach is temporarily re-naming this section: “Now it’s the Pre-Season” (NIT-PiS) Trust Coach, he’s more frustrated than you are when it comes to how this season has unfolded. Hell, I can’t even keep the heading for the section the same. Let’s face it, on the face of things the Minneapolis Viqueens should have no problem covering the Vegas Line of 9 points. Many (most?) analysts are calling for a complete blowout. But in the words of our Savior Bluto Blutarsky: “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily” (I know you thought I was going to say, “it’s not over ‘til it’s over,” but it’s over). In a bizarre twist on a Norwegian tradition. Vikings Team Trainer Ole Olafsen announced this week that Coach Mike Zimmer has decided to wear an unwashed pair of former Head Coach Bud Grant’s underwear until the end of the Season, whatever that might be. Coach does have to say that he has always respected Coach Grant. And, frankly I’m envious that Minneapolis now has a Coach in Zimmer who is more like Grant than any of the impostors they’ve had since Grant. But Coach hastens to point out, that even with the great Bud Grant, they ain’t never done squat as a franchise. Now I’m not saying that his underwear was the cause, but you know, it is very cold during winter… Recently Coach had the distinct pleasure of leading a tour of Cultural Anthropologists to Minnesota. The PHD candidates are studying cases of Tribal Futility, 1956-present. They came from a tropical rainforest where the habitat had been denuded of all foliage, directly to Vikings HQ. As an aside, all that anthropology talk reminds Coach of one of his favorite jokes: Q: What’s the difference between a girl’s track team and a running band of pygmies? A: One’s a cunning band of runts. The Minnesota Press and fans have been relentless this year and pressing for a trophy! They have been to the Super Bowl four times, but have never won. It’s become such a pressurized environment that the normal symbiosis between fans and media is starting to deteriorate. Yes, just one more disappointment after another, and this year will be no different. Because we are us and they are them…. Packers 21 Minnesoatah 17 Bank on it…bet all the money that you would have otherwise put in the red kettle when you’re walking into Walgreen’s. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them The 1923 NFL season was the fourth regular season of the National Football League. For the first time, all of the clubs that were considered to be part of the NFL fielded teams. The Canton Bulldogs repeated as NFL Champions after ending the season with an 11–0–1 record. Of course, the Packers and the Bears were there, along with the Chicago Cardinals. No teams wore teal, or creamsicle orange, or even purple for that matter. Mostly, both uniforms pretty much ended up the color “mud” and the “helmets” were matching leather. There are some pretty cool team names there, including 5 animals, 2 Indians, 2 Professionals, 1 geometric shape, a couple of All-’s, and 3 wealthy surnames. I think the coolest aspect about the 1923 Packers team were the names of the players. Get a load of this… Imagine lining up with fellow linemen Jug Erp, Cub Buck, Jab Murray, Whitey Woodin, and Moose Gardner! How about being flanked on the end by Cowboy Wheeler, Norbert Hayes, “Black” Jack Gray, or Stan “the man” Mills? Of course, then there’s the likes of Curly Lambeau, Buck Gavin, Charlie Mathys, and Myrt Basing in the backfield. Too cool. Way cooler than dorky, choreographed end zone celebrations by overpaid pretty boys. Just sayin. Oh, yeah, and Curly Lambeau played both Offense and Defense, and was also the coach. When a starter went down with injury, often that meant an Offensive and a Defensive position would need to be filled – so they just rubbed some dirt on it and the player got back in there. There were no head shots using a helmet as a weapon, just fist on chin for 3 yards (and a cloud of dust) – real tough guys, these fellas. I would have LOVED to watch one of THOSE games, wouldn’t you? (It probably cost like 5-cents to get in, though.) Don’t hold your breath for any of that kind of action Saturday night. Talent will be pre-season level at best, with less physicality. Coach recommends you spend these 3-hours Saturday night stuffing Mrs. Claus’ stocking.
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Nostradamus is safe for now. Coach’s prediction last week had the outcome correctly predicted, but even the great and powerful Coach didn’t foresee the Packers giving up 3 TD’s in regulation time. As I said last week, let’s just saying winning ugly in OT is a whole heck of a lot better than losing ugly in OT! It took over time to beat two of the worst franchises in the NFL on successive weeks, but we’ll take it. Tickets for the Cleveland game were dirt cheap and the ¾ full stands had lots of Packer fans. The first half was dominated by the Browns Defense. Brown’s DC, Greg “Bounty-Gate” Williams, loaded the box with 7 and 8 defenders and shut down the run. Brent HB had a face-full-o’-Browns on too many occasions, and the offensive juggernaut that is the Browns just kept getting into the endzone. By the early 3rd Qtr it was 21-7 and the Packers Season looked to be finished. Amazingly, after 2 ½ quarters of having the run stuffed, Eminem decided to turn Hundley “loose”… well “loose” in the sense that he let him throw short screens and slant passes to #17, who got a buncha YAC. Throw in a tremendous Trevor Davis punt return and, Bob’s-yer-uncle, we’re in OT. Click here for what might be the worst ever vlog summary of a Packers game. (But it does show the CM III arm grab that led to Dekizer’s interception in OT, which won the game. Yay!) To give McCarthy credit, probably the most important play of the game was the fake punt. On 4th and 2 at the GB 46, only 2:46 into the game, Jermaine Whitehead took the direct snap and ran around left end to the Cleveland 47 for the 1st down. That kept the opening drive alive and resulted in a TD. No fake punt? No TD. No TD? No OT. No OT? No 7-6. Fake punts, on-side kicks and other forms of “trickery” always work best in situations where the conventional thinking is to play it safe. In a rare moment of complimentitude for Coach, “ya done good, Mike.” To be fair to Coach’s prior assessments of McCarthy’s game management ineptitude, it was not a critical point in the game, which is where he tends to do the opposite (#GeorgeCostanza) of what should be done. In other news from the game. Coach has classified information that Aaron Rodgers and new Browns GM John Dorsey had a secret meeting before the game. Loyal readers know that Dorsey was a good LB and outstanding front office guy for the Pack for 20+ years, who was stolen away by fat-boy-Andy in KC. You may also know that he is one of Coach’s favored replacements for the worn out and tired TT. Coach captured most of the secret conversation with an FBI-inspired directional microphone. Rodgers was overheard saying “I really am disappointed that we didn’t get you back in Green Bay to replace Ted.” To which Dorsey replied, “Are you kidding, no way am I coming back until they get rid of that complacent dumb-ass Mark Murphy.” So, the Brett Hundley era is over, we hope. How did he do? He went 3-5 with a QB rating of 78.0, 8 TDs and 8 Picks. Pretty typical stats for a sub-500 QB, and he was just that 3-5. Serviceable backup QB? Maybe, but frankly not much better than Scott Tolzien. His 3 wins, including 2 in OT, were against teams that had a collective 5-13 record in their six games previous to playing the Pack. So…he narrowly defeated three of the worst teams in the league. His 5 losses were against teams that were basically at 0.500 in their 6 games prior to playing the Packers (16 wins, 14 losses). His best overall game was probably the “moral victory” in Pittsburgh. Coach, what should we conclude? Well Jimmy, as Coach has been explaining, the Packers are not a good team under MM/TT/MM/Big-Legume, and, Hundley is not a superstar QB. Hundley will no doubt be a journeyman backup and get a SB ring someday, probably with the 2026 Monterey, MX Rams. But after the 3-5 Hundley run, we are 7-6 and have a shot at the Playoffs. So give Hundely a “thank you for your service” trophy, a glass of milk and a warm spot on the bench as we listen for Jim Mora getting ready in the backroom. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Rodgers Returns to Packers Following Paternity Leave GREEN BAY—Well it’s been quite some time since we’ve had number 12 behind Center. Aaron Rodgers officially returned to Packers practice Wednesday after 8 weeks paternity leave. The unusually short gestation period is considered “nothing short of a Christmas miracle” by Packers medical staff director, Pepper Burress. “It usually takes about 9 months to pop one of those suckers out, but Arod – thanks to his physical conditioning regimen and extraordinary diet, was able to get it done in only 9 weeks! …just in time for the playoffs, too, I might add.” The proud papa could not be reached for comment owing to his busy schedule this week preparing for the matchup against Carolina. He did release a statement, though, thanking his medical team and all the well-wishers who supported him during his pregnancy. No word on the baby's name at the time of press release. Matthews Commended by Competition for Creating Turnovers ASHWAUBENON,WI–On again / off again Defensive all-star linebacker Clay Matthews III was a standout at Packers practice on Thursday as he consistently schooled contact dummies at the Don Hutson center during turnover drills. “Clay was dominant today…” said practice dummy Red Gumby “…and it’s not just because he has opposable thumbs. He was totally feeling it – definitely in the zone.” Matthews said the return of quarterback and team leader Aaron Rodgers this week gave him an extra boost that put a little more pop in his effort during drills, and he hopes his enthusiasm will carry on strongly through the Panthers game on Sunday. He also remarked that the practice dummy looks and smells like an anal dildo, which makes executing the drill a lot more difficult than most people think. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof The hapless Bears managed to squeak one out versus the Bungles on Sunday, but alas they have mathematically been eliminated from the playoffs. “Already?” you ask? Well, truth be told, the were eliminated a week earlier, but nobody was even checking for mathematical possibilities of elimination that soon in the season so the NFL just confirmed it this week. So, da Bears are out, along with the Browns (duh), the 49ers, and the Giants (impressive company, FIB’s). You’d think after getting all those high draft picks year after year after year after year after year after year they could at least muster a Wild Card appearance. Nope. The Bears still suck. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground This week we take you around the NCAA for some key updates since we are off doing udder stuff while the Badgers take finals and prep for the Orange Bowl. T.J Edwards named first team All-American MADISON—Redshirt junior T.J. Edwards was named first team All-American while player-coach Jack Cichy declares for the draft. One wonders how much better the Badgers woulda been had Cichy not been out for the season with a torn ACL. We cannot imagine the Badger defense being much better, but who knows? Perhaps we woulda beaten the Buckeyes. We think he will make a fine 4rd round draft choice come April (#VinceBiegel). Ohio State Self-Reports Secondary Violations They Just Assume Are Happening COLUMBUS, OH—Admitting guilt for infractions that sound like the types of obscure recruiting rules the school would break, Ohio State’s athletic director self-reported to the NCAA several secondary violations he just assumed were currently happening. “I don’t have concrete evidence that these things are going on, but I figured at least a handful of these rules are being broken given our track record,” said athletic director Gene Smith, who said he could not point to specific examples of wrongdoing, but assured reporters that at the very least he assumes his coaches are currently texting people they shouldn’t. “More likely than not, we’re also probably having former players in the NFL contact our kids because that just feels like stuff we like to do. I’m pretty comfortable filling out the paperwork to let the NCAA know something wrong is probably going on somewhere.” At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game in light of the current situation, Coach exclaims: “What the FUTSA?” (what has to happen For-Us-To-Stay-Alive?) There has been much discussion of the Packers making the playoffs, and much stupidity and confusion. Coach reminds you, the loyal readers, to keep this simple. There are two questions: Q1: What will the Packers final record be? Q2: Given various potential records, what are the odds of getting into the playoffs? Everyone seems to be focused on Q2, we need to stay focused on Q1… The table below shows the odds for various records…which is the answer to Q2. Conclusion? We are basically in the Playoffs now. Any loss will more-than-likely knock us out. Coach continues to urge you to invest a significant portion of your employer compensated day in debating the most important question…what will the final record be. This link is the playoff scenario generator. As for the playoffs, if we make them then that would be great! The only mystery is which form of Defensive meltdown will dominate the discussion during the offseason. For this coming weekend, all we need to know is “Pack must win” and “Bear down.” Yes, kids, we want the Bears to beat the Lions this weekend. No other games have a material impact on the playoff picture for the Pack this week. Of course, if the Falcons and/or Seahawks happen to lose, that wouldn't suck. The Charlotte Panthers be a formidable foe this weekend. They have won 5 of their last 6 games, including an impressive “total domination” win over the Minneapolis squad last weekend. The Panthers ran over the Vikings and were plus 2 on turnovers, and Cam did just enough passing. The story this year with the Panthers has been the Defense. The Panthers play a 4-3 (yes, Coach’s preferred scheme) and Orange Julius has been playing extremely well as a traditional DE with his hand in the dirt. Although he’s playing less than 50% of the defensive snaps, he’s got 9 sacks already. The entire front 7 is experienced and will be a real challenge. They’ve been holding opponents to 36% conversion on third downs, which has been a challenge for the Packers on Offense this year, even when AR was pulling the trigger. But no matter! The Pack will win, and here are the “Top 5” reasons why: No. 5 Brad Hoover is retired. You may recall that the Pack played in Charlotte on Nov 27, 2000. This was Mike Sherman’s first season and the Pack were coming off the 8-8 Ray Rhodes experiment in 1999. Rookie fullback Brad Hoover, an unknown, undrafted, free agent from nowhere, ran for 117 yards on 24 carries and had 41 yards receiving in a 31-14 beat down of our G-Men. Well he’s gone, and there’s no one named Brad Hoover on the current roster. Bonus points trivia time: that game Reggie White played AGAINST Green Bay as a Carolina Panther, and Coach’s son was born (we watched that Monday night game together). No. 4 The Packers lead the all-time series 9-5 (including playoffs) and are 5-2 all-time in Charlotte. No. 3 Dom Capers recruited Panthers coach Ron Rivera out of HS to the U of Cal. “He was pretty much one of the big influences on me deciding to go to Cal” said River recently. Dom likes Ron, Ron likes Dom, Dom is only marginally competent, which by the transitive property, makes Ron a Bear-linebacker-for-life. No. 2 The NFL likes symmetry and balance. The Conference Championship field for the 1996 season could possibly be replicated. The Jags and Patriots are both doing well in the AFC, as are the Panthers in the NFC. Up to the loyal reader to determine the odds of the Packers getting that far…but it’s fun to dream… Coach was at that NFC Championship game. The 30-13 beat down was on a balmy, sunny, -6F degrees day and the game was not as close as the score might indicate. Do you remember who coached that sorry team? Yes, our Defensive Coordinator, the Big Legume, Dom Capers. A “get ya close” coach then, who’s not quite that good now. No 1 Yes. He’s back, and Coach has fed carrots to the Horse. The improbable legend continues. Packers 31 Panthers 28 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them In addition to the truly great native Wisconsinite, Badger and Packer, offensive tackle Mark Tauscher, former place kicker Ryan Longwell will be inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame (as if a kicker deserves to be there) next July. Longwell is most famous around these parts for his insult of the city of Green Bay upon his departure to Minnesota, saying “…they don’t have much culture there [laughs], the finest restaurant in town is probably the Applebees.” which we know isn’t true (it’s Culvers across the street). His not-so-hot wife with oddly large ears was a lame local news reporter while Ryan was in town (sort of a pity job we gave her as long as he kept making kicks … imagine a blondish short Sarah Huckabee Sanders and try to stomach that). Over time, his long kick wasn’t so well – unable to reach the goal line on kickoffs with low liners, which led to ridiculously favorable field position for opposing teams. So the Packers let his contract run out and he ended up (as all washed-up Packers do) in Minnesota. Ryan has apparently changed his tune as he became older and wiser, though, and has become very complimentary of the city and appreciative of the organization that kept him on the squad as a 1997 undrafted free agent, instead of their 3rd round selection Bret Conway. Preparing for his pre-selection Hall of Fame interview, the anal-retentive kicker was even a little nervous about getting the nod (Click on Link ). Yet – somehow, you got in you crazy bastard. Ryan, you’re a kicker … and you’re kind of a dick, so we won’t salute you, but you were better than Bret Conway so we’ll give you that. Whatever, dude.
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Kudos to the head banger in charge of music at Lambeau during the Buccaneers game! He was crankin’ the jams between each and every play of the game … It was like being at a high school hockey game – when every time there is a stoppage of play (e.g., after EVERY whistle), the Lambeau DJ would crank up the heavy metal. I imagine he looks like Jack Black in that School of Rock movie... It was awesome... he played everything from AC/DC, to Ozzy, to Trapt, to Rob Zombie, to Papa Roach, to Linkin Park, to Disturbed, to Rage Against the Machine, to Theory of a Deadman, and so on, and so on, .... Rock on, brother, rock on. Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme You may recall Coach’s prediction: … that we play perfectly on Defense & Special Teams, and, Hundley is “serviceable”. You can take this one to the bank… Damn, I’m smart. Let’s just saying winning ugly in OT is a whole heck of a lot better than losing ugly in OT! In a ray of Special Teams sunshine, Trevor Davis had 121 yards on 4 kickoff returns, Justin Vogel averaged 45.3 yards on 4 punts and Mason Crosby was 2 for 2 on FG’s. Maybe, just maybe, we are coming around. This was by the best game of the year for Special Teams. The stats above would usually lead you to believe that TB won by a bunch, and they maybe would have, except for one important stat. For a little better explanation of the outcome of the game, see Deano below… Right before the start of that play, Coach made a B-line for the bathroom up a couple dozen flights of stairs. As I unzipped in front of those little urinal bowls to stream out the 6-pack of Liene’s Wisconsin Red Pale Ale that I had been storing beneath my prostate since 11:30am, I listened to Wayne’s elucidation of the play: “Winston drops back to pass, AND THE BALL IS LOOSE! Kenny Clark knocked it out … and the Packers have it! Lowry snatched it out of the air -- and he could go, Rock!” Right about then I was finishing my “shake” and so I zipped up, used the nice warm faucet water (after foaming my hands via the convenient soap dispenser, of course), pushed the paper towel dispenser bar down 3 or maybe it was 4 times, dried my hands, checked myself out in the mirror (I had a little piece of brat bun cornered between a couple teeth and my gums, so I picked that out with my car keys), held the bathroom door open for a smiling elderly gentleman, and then meandered toward the opening to the stands where I could see Lowry at about the 45-yard line lumbering in a northerly direction. As far as I could tell, there were no Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 920 area code during his touchdown romp. I suspect it took somewhere between 98 and 147 seconds for Lowry to run 62 yards. It’s remarkable that he finished off his score with a Lambeau Leap! But let’s be clear, his score was the highlight of an otherwise pedestrian effort by the Packers' defense, and covered up the atrocious output of the offense. Although we had the lead, I was forecasting 20-20 overtime as the 4th quarter started ticking away, whilst those around me cringed when I vocalized my preposterous suggestion... Until, of course, I reminded them that our Defensive Lineman had more yards rushing than our quarterback had passing at that point. Overtime didn’t sound so bad after all, they lamented. Winston finished 21 of 32 for 270 yards and two touchdowns, including an 11-yard scoring pass for a 20-17 lead with 6:02 left. An encouraging sign is that Winston had defenders in his face all day and we got a buncha sacks, but it was against a makeshift line, so let’s not get too giddy about the D just yet. The Pack’s offensive drive chart for the game is not very inspiring, but we did run better and more consistently than in any other game this year. Without Lowry’s TD there is no tie, there is no OT and there is no win. Hundleybrook had just 84 yards on 13 of 22 passing, but he added seven carries for 66 yards, Jamaal Williams ran for 113 yards and a touchdown and the game ended in OT on Aaron Jones' 20-yard scoring run. So how is HB doing so far? Well…not very awe inspiring. He had a 48.3 rating in the game (versus the worst pass defense in the league … worse than ours!) and has a 70.6 rating in relief of Rodgers so far this year. So much for McCarthy having 3 years invested in him. Remind me again please, is it true that TT is a genius at finding talent and MM is a quarterback whisperer? WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Groundskeeper for an indoor turf stadium is an actual job. Millions watched as the Lucas Oil Stadium groundskeeper spread mulched rubber tire pellets along the goal line after the Badgers scored en route to a 2-point conversion attempt. No one is quite sure why another man with a rake was patting the turf after the pellets were applied. Coach thinks it was just to make it look like more than one guy was working on the problem that delayed game for several minutes. Now that Power 5 conference football play is suspended until the bowl games, you can look forward to watching thrilling college football games from the FCS (aka Division 2) playoffs, which involves teams who earned playoff positions by wins and losses, not by judge’s eye tests and disproportionate booster backdoor funding. From this footage (Click here) it’s easy to get excited about the surprising level of talent on the field and enthusiastic excellence of the television announcers. Enjoy! So Coach I and Coach II don't always get to sit together at the game, but thanks to some clever ticket finagling for the Bucs game we were only separated by 12 people. So, naturally, I offered to exchange my seats with these people in our immediate vicinity (so that me and the boys could slide down 25-feet toward Coach I and his gang of four). It went something like this: "Would you be willing to take my seats [which were a little bit better than theirs] so that we can sit next to those folks on the other side of you?" Of course, we’re all on the same team in the stands so folks were more than happy to do the old switcheroo. But, of course, there's always one douchebag in every crowd, right? This one cantankerous old bastard was unwilling to budge -- even though we were offering him a better seat! His daughter / MILF and her embarrassed pre-teen son (sporting a cool Packers jersey and classic burned-cork black stripes under his eyes) were very apologetic about "Grandpa" ... so 11 of the 12 were on board, but the crotchety old guy in the middle exercised his right to be a dick just because he could. Congratulations, Grandpa, you're a dick. All’s well that ends well, though, as the party next to Coach I departed early in the 4th Qtr so we moved over to those open seats and enjoyed the overtime celebration together! Fast forwarding to the post-game tailgate party, Coach I & II ended up getting a steady diet of “samples” from a 20-something Irish gal who happened to be in the country representing her company’s brand of whiskey and telling hilarious dirty jokes, but you guys don’t want to hear about that so I digress (thanks, Sarah!)… Fun fact: Christmas trees grow year-round, not just at Christmas time. You’re welcome. Detroit Lions Former Home Incorrigible, Too PONTIAC,MI–Apparently they can't do anything right in Detroit. It took explosives experts 3 attempts (that’s right, 3 ATTEMPTS!) to implode the Silverdome. Local Teamster Representative Pauly ‘No Neck’ Picconudi said “Yeah, it was kind of surprising that we couldn’t blow that sucker down. Even though it didn’t work the first time, we changed nothing and got the same failed result the second time. We didn’t change anything again the third time, but I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.” The Lions moved to Ford Field 15 years ago, still Silverdome management held on to hopes that the Lions would, for some unknown reason, move back. Pontiac entertainment executive Fynn Gerbeng remarked “We had no evidence that things would get better, but we just kept sticking it out.” The Silverdome isn’t the only former NFL dome stadium to meet its fate in recent years. The Vikings’ Metrodome imploded (click for video) on its own during a snowstorm in 2010. Gerbeng lamented “…we were hoping for something like that to happen to us last year. Geez, now the Vikings are going to be in the playoffs, too. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.” The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof It could not have played out any better for Robbie Gould. The former Bears kicker (now with the 49ers) was cut at the start of the 2016 season for no performance-related reason. Fortunately for him last year, the Giants kicker struggled early so they picked up Gould on a 1-year deal and he enjoyed a successful season (that ended in a Wildcard playoff loss to Green Bay). This year he signed with the 9ers, and he circled December 3rd as a revenge game against the team that cut him after 11 seasons in Chicago (even though he was their most prolific kicker of all time). Normally, the wrath of an angry kicker isn’t enough to sway the outcome of an NFL game, but this IS the Bears we’re talking about… Gould made 5 (count ’em, 5!) field goals against the Bears in the 49ers 15-14 victory over Chicago -- including the game winner as time was running out. Man, the Bears suck. They can’t even overcome the wrath of Robbie Gould. How pathetic is that? Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Summary: Bucky has ass kicked and still lost only narrowly. Big Ten Champion screwed out of playoff berth due to past two year’s playoff goose eggs. Hats off to Ohio State. As much as we hate to say it, they were the better team in Indy.
Wisconsin had very little margin for error in this game and made a handful of difference-making mistakes, including ill-advised passes downfield to Fumigalli and silly penalties. The first forced 20-80 ball to Fumigalli set the tone for the first half. Barrett showed NFL scouts why, like other Ohio State QBs before him, his future in the NFL is not at QB. At least two TD passes to wide open receivers were blown. Thank god, or this woulda been a blow out, again. We can certainly gripe about a few penalty calls not going our way (the mugging of DD III on the last series), but refereeing did not decide the game. We lost and deserved to lose. Despite all this, Wisconsin had the ball, enough time on the clock and surprisingly a chance to win the game at the end. Coaches Chryst & Leonhard must have delivered rather persuasive halftime speeches, perhaps dropping some mention of Penn State last year. Despite the defense losing its head in the first half, they managed to hold Ohio State to 6 points in the second half—with leading tackler D’Cota Dixon playing only limited snaps due to a lingering injury. Dixon’s replacement was the slow footed Ferguson, who served as poster boy for reinforcing the perception that Wisconsin still lacks team speed. As for Ohio State not making the playoff? They put the whole conference behind the eight ball losing at home to Oklahoma. Losing by 30 points at Iowa is unacceptable, given that the Hawkeyes then got shitstomped the following week by Wisconsin and lost to lowly Purdue to end the season. Playing an easy schedule and losing one game to a good Auburn team worked out quite well for Alabama. That makes them the third best SEC team, but the second SEC team in the playoff. Alabama leads the nation in one thing—having the most disgusting bathrooms in gas stations and public places. Let’s stop the madness and expand the playoff to at least 8 teams. Here is a simple 2 step method that is not perfect, but is a step in the right direction.
This plan could be improved upon, of course (and we know what to do), but this simple formula expands the playoff to 10 teams and gives a more even strength of schedule. A side benefit is that the prima donnas in South Bend would be forced to join a conference. We are personally pretty happy about Bucky’s selection for the Orange Bowl as a nice consolation prize. The match up with Miami is awesome and the atmosphere will be festive. While both teams are touted as having great defenses, their character and style are 180 degree opposites. More analysis of this in coming weeks! MIAMI BEACH–BU has started its Orange Bowl investigative reporting early. We are poking around Coral Gables to find out more about this turnover chain bling, but so far have nothing interesting to report. What we can say with some certainty is that an anonymous and protected source assures us that a certain underground establishment in South Beach has begun to illegally smuggle contraband into the state in anticipation of high demand by visiting Badger fans in a coupletree weeks. Several unmarked vans were seen unloading cases and barrels at an undisclosed address. We will update you as we learn more in the developing story. We all have a vested interest in finding out more! We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game in light of the current situation, Coach exclaims: “What the FUTSA?” (What as to happen For Us To Stay Alive?) As we continue our improbable march to 10 wins … and Aaron Rodgers riding in on a white horse when we play the Charlotte Panthers next week … it remains Coach’s job to tell you how it could work … not that it will or won’t happen … that’s for you to contemplate! Better than almost beating the Stealers, beating the Bucs actually got Brent Hundleybrook to 2 wins, which is approximately 100% better than 1 win. Shown below is an actual photograph of an actual scale model of a soldier dude on a white horse. This is a true simulation of what it won’t look like in Charlotte when Rodgers emerges from the tunnel. Did you know that Charlotte is named for Queen Charlotte? I don’t believe you, but it’s not important, we’ll cover Charlotte in a future episode. Wait, that’s not a dude on that horse. That’s a chick, man! I wonder if her name is Charlotte. …and why are there 2 t’s in Charlotte. If I were gonna spell Charlotte, I would spell it Sharlet. Now that’s a spicey name! But I digress… In an extremely important side-note, Coach would also like to emphasize that there are probably lots and lots of other important uses for white horses. If any come to mind, please alert Coach. OK, if you haven’t tried it yet, Coach strongly suggests that you invest several hours of employer compensated time studying the roughly 3.2 trillion permutations of the playoff picture. (Click Here for Playoff Simulator) In a strange evolution of the “10-wins-gets-you-in” rule … over the last few weeks the odds of the Pack getting in with 10 has crept down from the high 90’s% down to 91%, go figure. But even more bizarrely, the odds of getting in with 9 wins has crept up from the low 20’s% up to one-outta-tree. Check it out in the simulator. Actually, it’s not so strange when you consider that most of the teams ahead of us in the wildcard race lost last weekend. Coach can’t recall the lunch menu today, but he has crystal clear recall of the ’80s. He would spread out the Sporting News, the Press-Gazette, the Packer Report and grab the ole abacus and try to figure out how the 4-7 Pack could still make the Playoffs…exactly like now! Three-quarters of the Season in the books, the last quarter to go and a mathematical shot of making the playoffs. Just remember, it’s not over ‘til Bluto says it’s over. Of course, if we do get in, with our Defense and coaching staff it will be over pretty quick and Marky M will dole out another set of participation trophies... What the FUTSA to you! Who are we playing this weekend? Oh yeah, Cleveland. Which reminds me of my Tiger Cub Scout leader’s favorite joke that he told us all in 2nd grade… “What does a Cub Scout have to do to become a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie!” So, on to the Browns. That’s the reinvented-expansion-team-Browns, not the Art-Modell-middle-of-the-night-move-out-of-town-Browns-who-became-the-Ravens. How confusing is it when two teams claim the same record books? Well not to worry kids, they don’t really have that impressive of a record…well unless you want to go back to the All America Football Conference. (The Browns were founding members and won the first four championships from 1946-49…and they had Cleveland to themselves when the NFL’s Rams moved to L.A.) No, these Brownies are on their way to joining Detroit as the only two franchises who have accomplished an 0-16 regular season and have never sniffed a Super Bowl, let alone play in one or win one. The reactivated Cleveland Shitstains have had only two winning seasons since returning to the NFL in 1999. They are 4-40 since the beginning of the 2015 Season and are starting to reach Tampa Bay levels of ineptitude (re-read The Show!!! last week). Buy hey, ya gotta give Cleveland credit for consistency! They are the only team in the NFL who has the same uniform for “Throw Back”, “Color Rush” and “Normal” games. I love the nostalgia, but Coach recommends that they adopt the face mask sometime soon. Are they really that bad Coach? Yes, Jimmy they are. Coach, so, it’s a guaranteed win? Sorry Jimmy, no it’s not a guarantee. They have been stock piling high draft picks, picks made by Baseball Moneyball guys, and they have a buncha decent talent. In fact, THEY have a top 10 Defense! Stick that in your Capers voodoo doll. They just do not have any Offense (#JohnnyFootball) and are dead last in the league at 14.7 Offensive Pts/Gm for the season. But head’s up, we’ve been dropping like a stone with Eminem and Hundleybrook stinking it up together, we’re now averaging 18 Pts/Gm over the last 3 games. However -- in a really bizarre twist, they do rack up the yards! They are No. 12 overall in Offensive plays per game. What do the two stats together tell us?
Odds are that they are no danger for now, but look out, they just hired John Dorsey as their new GM. This is a family show, so Coach can’t tell you how he really feels, but Mark Murphy made a colossal f’ng mistake in not hiring Dorsey to replace Thompson. So waz it gonna take to win this weekend? This is the NFL and it is as true as ever that any team can beat any other team, on any given Sunday. We are going to have to run over 130 yards, be +1 in turnovers, even-or-better on penalties and have one game-shifting Special Teams play! Coach is convinced that we will be 7-6 by late Sunday afternoon!! This one aint gonna be pretty ... but neither are the Browns or their fans…. Packers 17 Browns 15 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This week we go way back to a real Packer great, linebacker Sam Palumbo. After studying architecture and marine biology at Notre Dame, Samkon Lyle Palumbo was drafted in the 4th round by the Browns in 1955, Sam played a couple years with Cleveland before coming to Green Bay. That’s right, there were two Packers named Samkon (#GadoFromLibertyUniversity). Sam tore it up with the Packers. He had a pick and a couple tackles, leading the team in both categories. Think of Sam Palumbo as kind of a Kyler Fackrell throwback. The Packer fans at the time thought he might have been drafted a little too high. Think of Kyler Fackrell as a linebacker that might have been drafted a little too high. The Packer Defensive Coordinator at the time, Felix Malugnut did what he could to cobble together a viable Defense. This was the first year in brand new City Stadium, and the 3-9 Packers really stunk up the new digs. As fate would have it, Palumbo was traded to make way for this FIB who turned out OK for the Pack in 1958. Not to worry, though, as Sam made a good living as a homicide detective in LA in the 60’s. In fact, Palumbo’s college roommate at Notre Dame, Regis Philbin, helped him make millions in royalties selling his story to NBC. Like many Hollywood moguls of that era, Palumbo made some choices with younger women that he later regretted and publically denounced. Like an addict needing a fix he continued to pal around with Philbin and fellow New Yorker (Giants all-pro quarterback) Frank Gifford whenever they would frequent the LA scene. In fact, Sam is the one who introduced Gifford to Kathy Lee back in 1963. The lass was only 10 years old at the time. Well, one thing led to another, and before you knew it she was singing on Name That Tune, married to a retired Hall-of-Fame quarterback, and co-hosting LIVE! with Regis Philbin. In his twilight years, Palumbo served on the Board of Directors for a California-based textile company operating on the East Coast, and he eventually dabbled in Washington politics a little bit, too. Not long before his passing he said his greatest joy in life was “…mentoring others to get into politics after they’ve had an unremarkable career doing something else.” So, Samkon Lyle Palumbo, we salute you (because nobody else will). Let's beat the Browns!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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