Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Congratulations to Al Masty from Pembine, last week’s “Who’s hotter?” contest winner. Allen cleverly submitted an epic battle between sporting journalists Olivia Reiner and Abby Hornacek. A classic matchup pitting a bouncy brunette versus a blond bombshell. That’s a tough call, Al. Coach had a tough time deciding – but gave it to Hornacek in the end (figuratively, of course). For his winning entry, Al receives a Yeti insulated thermos and an official NFL Team Design Tool Box with Tool Tray from the recent Shopko going out of business blowout sale. Good on you, Al! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Bart Starr was worth the risk The home opener this year will honor the (possibly) greatest Packer of all time, Bart Starr. On the plus side, it will be awesome to be there and be a part of the celebration of a wonderful man and competitor. On the “Oh, crap” side, the Packers in recent years have let their emotions get the best of them in these types of player-tribute games, which resulted in them falling short of victory – even to inferior, deplorable teams like the Bears (Favre’s number retirement game), Cowboys (Favre’s HOF ring ceremony game), and Vikings (Jerry Kramer’s HOF ring ceremony game). To be fair, these losses were under the direction of, quite possibly, the worst game manager in American Football history, Mike McCarthy. Maybe with a new kid in town, basic football principles will find their way on the sidelines and win the day … and the game, for the Packers. So it is right and just, and worth the risk – even against a division opponent, to give special recognition to our pal, Bart, on Sunday, who was always there for us, through thick and thin. At least, in my humble opinion. Fingers crossed. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Jeepers chriminey, what a game der, eh? We kickt der flippin’ patooties, hey? Hundert-en-ninety-nine games and weeze up by tree games, yoo’s gize! For the 21st time in 199 games, the Pack held the Bigger Cubs to 3 points or less. More fun-facts to rub into the face of your misguided Bear-fan-work-mates(?)… We’ve done it 11 times in Chicago, 10 times in Green Bay, and the this is the 2nd time during the Rodgers Era. So, the evidence proves that the Bears suck even worse at home than at Lambeau. Pin that baby up in Halas Hall! You already know that the game summary is:
…thankfully kind and astute readers have been feeding Coach clues all week: …no, I don’t think it was the milk they drank this week… …I doubt it was the cough drops, I don’t think anyone was sick… …do they even eat meat anymore? Everybody seems to be on the Tom Brady vegan thing…so I don’t think that’s the clue… …finally Coach got the clue! Obviously, the clue was in Port Washington, home of the venerable Vern Biever, official photographer of the Packers from 1946 until 2006... …and of course, Port Washington is home to the World Famous Smith Brothers Fish Shanty!! Best perch on the Lake (well it was when there were enough perch in Lake Michigan to support commercial fishing, but now the classic restaurant is no more … dey sells Duluth underwear der – go figyer). So, yeah, the difference was the Smith’s, Preston and Za’Darius. One game does not a Season make, but the start was fantastic. They generated half as many sacks (2.5) in one game than our 2018 starting outside LB’s, Nicked Perry and Claymation Matthews, did in the whole season last year (5.0). In addition to the sacks, the Smith Bros. had a combined eight tackles, three QB knockdowns and a pass break-up. Add to that the Packers led all NFL teams in QB pressures for week one, recording 31 on 47 called pass plays (45 pass attempts and two scrambles). That is a ridiculous 66% pressure rate. That consistent pressure generated five sacks and 11 quarterback hits, great numbers compared to any single game in 2018. Well done Gutey for gettin’ the right guys and well done Poutine for calling up the right defense. In the spirit of taking our readers back a few years (and to recognize what Hoodie, Lombardi and Bear Bryant all know/knew), there is very little “new” in football. Mainly just creatively applying old lessons, and then executing the hell out of them. In beating the Bears, the Smiths perfectly executed one of Dick’s key concepts for defensive linemen, the “switch” or “stunt” or “twist” (diagram above is from Dick Butkus’ Inside Defensive Football book). Preston Smith executes a perfect twist with Za’Darius Smith to sack Jay Cutler Jr. late in the game last Thursday. Not that the Packers failed to attempt this last year (running a stunt is no secret at any level above PeeWee football), we just didn’t have the horses to get it done. It’s mind-boggling to recall that we let two potential interceptions drop to the ground, and got jobbed on a handful of calls; this really should have been a no-hitter against the Bears, something we have done 15 times previously (see table above). Bears QB Jay Turdbrewsky was the subject of much post-game discussion… … is the Packers 2019 Defense that good? … or Mitch Cutler that bad? Only time will tell, but Tramon Williams in a moment of innocent truth, responded to a reporter’s question about the Defensive Game Plan when he said "We wanted to make Mitch play quarterback. We knew they had a lot of weapons; we knew they were dangerous; we knew all of those things. But we knew if we could make Mitch play quarterback, that we’d have a chance." Burn. Coach chortled and immediately harkened back to what Packers’ DB Chuck Woodson had to say about the game plan after a 2012 match against the Bears: “It’s the same old Jay. We just need to be in position, Jay will throw us the ball.” Still, everyone in Bears Country remains elated that they were able to trade up from the No. 3 spot with San Fran to the No. 2 spot in the 2017 draft so that they could steal Turdbisquit away from the KC Chiefs. FWIW, the Chiefs selected QB Patrick Mahomes at the No. 10 spot, and he was league MVP last year. Just sayin. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up NFL In Shock After Rodgers Outed As White Supremacist GREEN BAY—Nationwide fury erupted Wednesday after Aaron Rodgers was outed as a raging white supremacist, when progressive activists uncovered years-old video footage of the Packers field general clearly using the “white power” hand signal during a game. “What fresh [expletive] is this!!!!???” activist Sheryl Dunn wrote on Twitter, attaching a screen shot of Rodgers holding his hand in such a manner that the tips of his index finger and thumb were touching, with his middle finger, ring finger, and pinkie pointed upward, positively signaling allegiance to the ideals of white supremacy. “Take away his MVP awards and remove him from the history books!!!” she added. “Rodgers literally tried to bring white supremacy to the NFL. What a national outrage and a disgrace to the game,” one influential Twitter user wrote, with yet another declaring, “So, I just tried this myself, to give him the benefit of the doubt – could be an unconscious ‘football maneuver?’ It’s not. Very hard to make this configuration without putting some thought and effort,” further solidifying the unfortunate fact about the number 8 rated player in the National Football League. And it’s no coincidence to neo-Nazis that he positioned himself there in the 2018 season no less, with “H” being the 8th letter of the alphabet. Obviously, those 2 H’s together are a reference to “Heil Hitler!” A stretch? Hardly. Note that Rodgers also sat out of the 1st preseason game on August 8th (8/8), which was clearly another homage to the Aryan-obsessed ruler. How prevalent is this disgusting call for allegiance to the white race? Shockingly, it’s even pervasive in the left-leaning highly-populated cities of Rodgers’ home state, California. Green Bay apologists suggest that Rodgers was perhaps influenced by Hollywood moguls when he’s visited there for charity golf events and cameo appearances in films. Horrified progressive activists have combed through hours of video and discovered that actor/director Ron Howard, performer Beyoncé, quarterback Colin Kaepernick, and even former president Barack Obama are, indeed, also avowed white supremacists. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Cautious Bears Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3 CHICAGO—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Bears fan Warren Safoney told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Bears to have a great year, but we have been burned so many times in the past that I can’t set my expectations any higher than home-field advantage throughout the playoffs,” said Safoney, 35, revealing he will consider the season a success even if the team loses the NFC Championship Game. “Is this defense exciting? Yeah. Could Mitch Trubisky throw for 5,000 yards? Sure. But I’m trying to stay grounded. I don’t want to be heartbroken at the end of the year when we’ve only won 12 games, so I would just say I’m cautiously optimistic.” Safoney added that even with their current talent he felt like the Bears were still a year or two away from a five Super Bowl dynasty. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground As we all know, Bucky dispatched the trash talking Chippewa’s of Central Michigan with alacrity on Saturday 61-zip bringing the total points scored by Badger opponents so far this season to ZERO. We did a little research and found that “chippewa” is the Ojibwa word for “We’re not worthy.” We do have to give the Chippies some credit for trying in vain to hang around all game. Can you name these two 2007 Chippewa Freshmen Receivers? (Click For Answer) Is Jimmy Leonard’s defense back on track? Well, that appears to be the case, though it is hard to tell. We caught two programs coming off bad seasons and who are early in their transition to new offensive schemes. We do know that execution has been excellent, with minimal blown coverages and generally good tackling. Both were issues last season. Last year’s defense also had difficulty setting the edge, allowing opposing runners to get outside and up the sideline for significant yardage. We’ve seen none of that so far against lesser competition. The question does remain whether or not we have enough pass rush speed from the OLB position, aside from Baun. We appear to be physical enough along the front seven, with a good rotation of defensive linemen. Frosh Keanu Reeves Benton from Janesville is a key to minimizing drop-off when the second string is on the field. Chris Orr’s statement sums up what we’ve seen so far. “We wanted to show the whole nation that when you come to Camp Randall, this is what you’re going to get. You’re going to get a physical game. You’re going to get physically worn down. You’re going to get beaten.” Whoa Yeah! Still, Buzz Killian offers that “It’s tough to assess the impact of losing safety Scott Nelson for the season.” He was a 2nd year starter, but his pass coverage has been highly suspect on big pass plays last year and was trailing open receivers in the season opener. We are starting to retract our doubts about QB Jackie Coan. If he does well for another game or two (especially against the Weasels), we see our hero of the future, Graham Mertz redshirting. Recall that the rules have relaxed on redshirting and he can play in up to 4 games and still redshirt (flippin’ sweet!)… Jackie has put up a gaudy 363 yards passing and 3 TD’s with no INT’s thus far this year. This is a very pleasant surprise. He is connecting well with all receivers and the re-addition of Quintez Cephus helps spread things out (2 TD’s, 139 yards on Saturday!). Speaking of Q, he is now looking like the numero uno go-to WR. He is playing with a fire in his belly and is motivating the whole team. The defenders are double teaming Quintez, leaving others WAO. Defenses last year had no reason to respect our deep passing game. Hornibrook could not make tight throws and receivers could not get separation. Considering the running game we have, opportunities should be abundant downfield. We obviously need to see how Bucky does against real opponents. Michigan will be the first test after this weekend's bye. More on that next week. In the meantime, try to stay active... We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The Packers hold the lone distinction as the team with the most ties (5) since the overtime rule was instituted. The very first game under the sudden death overtime rules ended with an even score as the Pittsburgh Steelers and Denver Broncos tied 35-35 on Sept. 22, 1974. The Packers and Vikings account for three of those games (1978, 2013 and 2018) including the crushing meltdown / “roughing-the-QB” debacle at the end of the game 2 last year that ended in a 29-29 tie. All-time the Packers lead the series 60-54-3, but since 2016 we are 1-4-1. No doubt this was another straw on the back of self-proclaimed “great coach” Mike McCarthy. The Vikings had a tremendous Week 1 with a blowout 28-12 win over the Falcons. They looked like badasses on Defense and the Offense was so efficient that Kurt Kissing Cousins only had to throw 10 passes… …but fear not, we are in the midst of a real improvement with the 2019 Packers team and Coach is gonna ’splain you why we gonna win… As Coach outlined above, the Defense is hugely improved over 2018 and basically won the game in Chicago. Expect them to come out on fire at home. We ain’t gonna need no foghorns or other Murphy-driven nonsense, the crowd will be plenty loud. Give us a real game and it will be deafening in Lambeau when we are on D (unless, of course, it is a Milwaukee / Gold Package game). The story for Week 2 will be the D, a positive turnover ratio, very good Special Teams and incremental improvement on Offense…so let’s break it down. Punter JK Scott could easily be named the MVP of Week One. He had 9 punts, average 47.6 yards and put 5 inside the 20, but none was bigger than his last. With under 2 minutes on the clock, Scott boomed a 63 yarder which forced Bears returner Tarik Cohen to back pedal to the 10…good coverage and a Bears penalty pinned them back to essentially end the game (the Smith Brothers sack was the final Wayne Larrivee “Dagger”). The punt itself is tremendous, but watch the video below closely. Note that the Bears move their cover guys into the middle, before the snap. JK must assume the Bears are in a “max punt block” scheme (although they end up dropping into blocking after the snap) and he gets the 63 yarder away anyway. In addition to punting, Mason Crosby had a strong game kicking off and more importantly, made his only field goal attempt. Mason had an off year in 2018, but Hunter Bradley and JK Scott were rookies and the FG unit was shakey as a result. Coach had a chance to watch a few of the practices this Summer and it looks like ST Coach Shawn Mennenga has much more structured practices than his predecessors. Let’s count on the strong Pre-Season performance of the FG team to continue. That leaves the Offense. Yes, it goes without saying that it basically sucked, except for one exciting drive. But that drive highlighted two things that we can look forward to in the coming weeks. First – play action passes. The biggest highlight throw of the night was from AR to MVS. While the throw and catch isn’t all that unusual for Rodgers, the play itself was very different and will be a staple of the La Fleur Offense. The spectacular part of the play is the play-action, note Rodgers actually fakes two handoffs, the dive play and the reverse. The result is that the LB’s and Safety’s are frozen in run support and Prince Amukamara is left 1:1 with MVS. Rodgers recognizes the situation and Prince is toast. While that was only one play, it was against the 2018 No. 1 Defense and it’s a nice teaser of what is to come. The other really, really encouraging sign is that we actually used our TE’s. Melissa McCarthy always said he wanted to use the TE’s, but the stat’s never supported that contention. We have the same 3 TE’s this year (minus Lance Kendricks) so it’s easy to compare. Granted there’s only one game in the books, but we almost a 60% increase in catches and yards to the TE’s. All three of them were involved, all had catches, all looked good…even or maybe especially Marcedes Lewis. Packer Fans, this is really good news. Make no mistake, this will be a really tough game against another really good Defense. But the Packers will continue to improve on Offense …. And we gonna win! Pack 21 Vikings 17 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This week we pay tribute to a Wisconsin athlete who took his talents to the highest stage, Lambeau Field. That’s right, a big round of applause for former Central State Teachers College (now UW-Stevens Point) star, Ted Fritsch! Fritsch actually didn't play high school football because they didn't have enough kids to field a team. He played college ball for a for coach who used to play for the Packers, and in 1942 his coach put in a good word for him as an undrafted available prospect to Curly Lambeau (back then, NFL teams didn't send scouts on the road and used college football preview magazines to make their draft picks). Although he played offense and defense for the Packers, Ted was an all-pro running back in 1944, ’45 and ’46. In 1944, he led the Packers in rushing during the regular season, then scored both touchdowns in the NFL title game victory over the New York football Giants. As a linebacker, he had 6 of his 10 career interceptions that year, too. He was also their kicker, and led league in scoring in 1946 and was the first Packer to make a field goal over 50-yards (52, to be exact, against the Bears at Wrigley). He played out his 9-year NFL career with the Packers, although he briefly flirted with the Cleveland Browns of the newly formed All-America Football Conference in 1946 for 1-week until his regret overcame him and returned to the Packers. A pretty good athlete, eh? You betcha. Get a load of this: he also played two seasons for the Oshkosh All-Stars of the National Basketball League, and he played outfielder for the Portsmouth Cubs, Nashville Vols, and Los Angeles Angels minor league baseball teams. Not too shabby. Ted grew up in Spencer, Wisconsin, where his local high school named their football field after him. Similarly, the Notre Dame Academy high school (a.k.a. Premontre, Abbot Pennings, and St. Joseph’s) in Green Bay also named their football stadium “Fritsch Field” after him, as he was Premontre's head football coach for 15 years. For good measure, there is also a nice wooded park on the west side of Green Bay bearing his name. Similarly, Fritsch Park in Appleton is also named after Ted (BTW, Coach had some legendary pick-up football game performances there as both a passer and receiver). Clearly, Fritsch had a big impact on community organizations that needed to name things. Anyhoo, Ted Fritsch retired in the small Wisconsin community of Alverno, he bought the Hilltop Tavern and converted it to 3T’s bowling alley where his son Ted Jr, and grandson Theodore Joseph, both also gifted athletes in their own right (Ted Jr played football at St Norbert College and then in the NFL; Theodore’s favorite class in high school was Phys Ed and he placed Honorable Mention in the 1991 Valders Open Dartball Tournament at Bruce’s Bar & Bowl), took over as subsequent proprietors. Ted Fritsch passed away at the too young age of 58; a surprise to many at the time, considering how strong and agile of a man he was in his prime. So, Ted , as a multi-talented athlete from Wisconsin that somehow managed to play football for the Packers instead of serving in WWII, we salute you (figuratively, of course).
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Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach hopes your summer was just as adventurous as mine was. In Coach’s Humble Opinion: This time Murphy's gone too far, needs to go. Well, what am I supposed to do now? There’s no place left for a man at Lambeau field. Borrowing the thought provoking quip by chaos-obsessed Dr. Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) in The Lost World: Jurassic Park, “This is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas.” From time to time there have been some on-again off-again rumblings by unsatisfied fans for a pink slip departure of Packers President, Mark Murphy. The proverbial straw has now unmistakably broken the camel’s back: Murphy replaced the hallowed Leinie’s Lodge with the “U.S. Cellular loft”(?). Are you friggin kidding me? What is this world coming to? No offense to hand-carved brisket on the concourse behind the club seats, or $17 rice-crispie bars on mobile kiosks visiting the luxury boxes, but the Leinie’s Lodge was the best thing Lambeau offered since Bob Harlan gave the joint a $295 million botox treatment. ...not to mention it was within stumbling distance of Coach’s seats! Murphy should have displaced pre-cooked brats and DiJiorno pizza instead. He is recklessly out of touch with Joe the Packer fan, and is ruining the organization by disenfranchising the base that sustains it. The accolades of the atrium garret by Packers brass are correct, it’s a great meeting place (6,000 sq-ft), it’s cool on a hot September day and it’s warm on a cold December night... But who the hell needs to check out a portable device during the game? I mean, who doesn’t already have a smartphone? Are the Packers expecting the Flintstones? Ooooo...and if you DO already happen to have one of these rarest of rare devices, you can bring your phone to the Recharging Station...ahhh! Oh, but good luck getting a signal, though ...unless you already have U.S. Cellular service, of course. And tell me this little plug-in won’t become an electronic superhighway to screensavers of compromising photos from your cousin’s bachelor party smattered all over former Eastern Bloc countries. This isn’t just wrong, it’s wrong for football, and it’s downright un-American. I know, I know, the space should go to the highest bidder, players’ salaries keep increasing, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Hey, I’m all for making more money under the auspice of free enterprise ... buh-leeve me, but some things are worth a hometown discount. As I’ve emphasized in the past, and assert here again today, MURPHY JUST DOESN’T GET IT. This latest money-grab move of his is a slap in the face to all Wisconsinites. I don’t know what’s in Murphy’s heart, but CNN would probably call it racism. Lawyers from the Atlantic Seaboard and others of Murphy’s ilk need to stay out of the Packers front office. Send him back to where he came from, I say! He could, for example, be “promoted” … to NFL Commissioner, or some other meaningless job that any idiot could do better than who they usually end up with, so we can appoint a new Packers President ... somebody already on the Executive Committee, someone from Wisconsin who knows right from wrong, and someone with the common sense decency to know we’d rather have a Canoe Paddler lager than a charged phone … someone like Dan Ariens. At least, in my humble opinion. …oh, and that Ellie Leinenkugel is a real hottie, so there’s that. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme The Bears and the Packers have met more times than any two other teams in the NFL. George Halas and his Decatur Staleys formed the American Professional Football Association (now the NFL) with the Chicago Cardinals, Canton Bulldogs, Akron Pros, Cleveland Indians, Dayton Triangles, Massillon Tigers, Hammond Pros, Muncie Flyers, Rock Island Independents, Rochester Jeffersons on September 17th, 1920 in Canton, OH. The Packers waited out year-one of the new League and joined in 1921. (BTW, it drives Coach crazy to see the “official” Packer NFL gear labeled “Packers 1921”. Conversely, Coach is amazed that the NFL “allowed” the Packers to celebrate 100 Seasons last year and have a restaurant called “1919”.) Coach knows that you, his aeriodite and astute reader, knew this already…but knowing the history of the NFL and the Packers is important to Coach and therefore important to you! (Apparently also to “Hoody”, who reportedly has one of the largest private libraries on all things football.) Rest assured, the Bears really do suck; still, Coach is always fair and balanced so you can expect a positive slant on our rivalry-of-all-rivalries this week. The Packers have a commanding lead in games won, 97-95-6! And, going into the 199th meeting, we are leading the points total 3,431 to 3,408, which averages to 17.33 pts/gm for the good guys versus 17.21 pts/gm by the Bears. Amazing when you think about it … that’s across 100 years! The most important statistic is of course Championships, where the Packers lead the NFL with 13 and the Bears are “Number 2” with 9. Another interesting generalization is that the Packers have always been an innovative and creative team on Offense, going back to Curly Lambeau and players like Don Hutson who essentially invented the passing game in football. And, in those years where we have had a dominant defense, we have won the NFL Championship. The Bears on the other hand have always focused on Defense, and when they have generated sufficient enough Offense to go with the D, they tend to do well. If you allow me to summarize the Packers referencing Hutson, Canadeo, Starr & Favre (not to leave out Reggie and Ray, but I’m making a point here), the Bears can be summarized by Papa Bear and Number 51, Dick Butkus. Prior to starring in prize winning TV commercials, Butkus was an author as well! His 1971 tome Inside Defensive Football won no Pulitzers, but 48 years later almost every word still applies to football, no matter how fancy and complicated everyone seems to think it is… Butkus was truly a great player, and it’s no coincidence that virtually every picture in his book shows either the Bears, or the Bears-and-Packers. A true Packer fan can show respect for Butkus, while still hating him like he’s tapping the chick you’ve had your eye on since Freshman year when she was in your Economics 101 class. Hey, at least it got you to shower every day. But I digress… Is Mr. Butkus’ wisdom still relevant when judging Poutine’s D? Borrowing a few quotes from his book, I’ll let you decide: …”to make it all the more interesting, no one has yet been able to devise an offense that couldn’t be stopped or a defense that couldn’t be beaten…. coaches have used both highly complex and stunningly simple offenses and defenses with equal success…” Clearly this is a nod to Lombardi, who focused on the simple. What is interesting is how the heart of the “new” LaFleur offense is actually being complex by making most plays look like simple runs. Butkus goes on to say: “Bart Starr often drops back into his own end-zone and fires a pass on first down. He will also run a draw play at your 10-yard-line…it is exactly this kind of confident daring that makes great quarterbacks and is the sort of all-out offense that defense must learn to stop!” The essence of what Lombardi preached, execution, is at the heart of what Butkus is saying, and you can only hear that kind of clarity from guys like Belichek today. Let’s hope Matt LaFleur is out there listening. “But one thing that I have learned is that in Football, regardless of the systems and formations used, is primarily a game of hitting. That is what football is all about – two forces with opposing objectives constantly in collision. The team that hits harder for the longer period of time wins." Every time Coach heard Packers HC Petite LaFleur talking about “thudding up” because they didn’t want to “tackle to the ground” it makes me want to vomit. Coach may be a bit hard on the Petite Fleur, it’s only his first year as Head Coach after having been an Offensive Coordinator (remember that Lombardi, Holmgren and McCarthy were all relatively unknown OC’s before coming to Green Bay). I suppose I should give him two or three weeks of leeway before holding him to the Rodgers-only-has-a-coupla-years-left-so-don’t-F-it-up standard. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Raiders Impressed By DeShone Kizer’s Ability To Point Out Football Field OAKLAND, CA—Noting that the 3rd year quarterback’s grasp of the game and its nuances was obvious, Oakland Raiders personnel executive Mike Mayock was impressed Sunday by DeShone Kizer’s ability to point out the football field. “The second we brought DeShone in, we just knew he was a knowledgeable asset. As we stepped into the stadium together, he located the 50-yard line without hesitation. Not to mention his dazzling performance against us in Winnipeg. Can’t believe Green Bay let this guy get away!” Raiders head coach John Gruden provided additional accolades after sitting in the tape room with Kizer to go over his plays at Cleveland and Green Bay. “DeShone could easily identify whether the plays were passes or runs. He’s just a natural talent and the right fit for our team. I didn’t even have to ask, he just started naming things on the football field. He said grass, he said end zone. He even knew exactly what the football was. I’m confident DeShone will be just as impressive on the sidelines as he was during our orientation – or ‘Raiderentation’ as we like to call it – with him.” Lions Creeped Out By Fan Who Followed Them In Preseason ALLEN PARK, MI—The Detroit Lions admitted to reporters Friday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually showed up for their first preseason game this year against the defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots. “This weirdo in a Lions jersey had been hanging around the stadium the whole game. Did this guy seriously intend to stay for all 4 quarters?” said quarterback Matthew Stafford, who claimed the entire team was unnerved by the idea that some disturbed loner spent hundreds of dollars on a ticket and overnight accommodations just to watch them play a meaningless preseason game. “He was there since warm-ups, just sitting up in the stands. He even brought binoculars so he could watch the players doing drills on the other side of the field. What kind of creep does that? I hope he didn’t come all the way down from the UP -- this wouldn’t even be worth it if he lived in Detroit.” During a 4th quarter injury timeout, Lions officials had requested security to remove the fan, later identified as Michael P. Goulet from Kalamazoo, after he had asked if there was any Lions merchandise for purchase. God Feeling Pretty Confident With His Fantasy Draft This Year HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High confirmed Tuesday that the Lord is feeling "pretty confident" with his NFL Fantasy Draft this year. "God's pretty sure He's got this one in the bag," said an angelic messenger in a statement to humanity. "Highest score, every week – and we don't really think anyone else in his fantasy league will even come close." The angel also said that in addition to drafting the players who will score the highest in each of their respective positions each week, God has provided a count of the hair on each player’s head, predicted the exact points and stats of every single player each week, and suggested every passing thought and motive of all players in the NFL. According to reports, God has yet to predict a player stat incorrectly. However, some have cried foul on the Almighty's undefeated season last year, alleging that the Most Holy has ordained the winners and losers since before the foundation of the world. Whether or not these allegations prove to be true, the Lord is projected to win every single week for another perfect season, netting heaven's already infinite coffers with some additional street cred. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Quarterback Resorts To Unusual Treatment OAK PARK, IL – Area doctors report the baffling case of 24-year-old man who had injected his right arm with his own semen intravenously for several months, a “cure” intended to treat his chronically inaccurate passing. It does not appear to have worked. After reportedly injecting semen into his arm every month for 7 months, the man finally sought medical attention. During his checkup, the doctor was alarmed by a patch of red swelling on his right forearm, after which the man admitted he’d been injecting himself with his own semen using a hypodermic needle he purchased online. Most recently, he had injected three “doses” of semen, entering both his blood vessels and his muscles. “This is the first reported case of semen injection for use as a medical treatment,” the doctors at Allysa Milano Cosmetica Hospital in Oak Park wrote in their subsequent case study, titled “An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous Abscess,” published in the Illinois Medicals Journals. Ironically, the swollen region grew and hardened around the area on his arm where he’d injected his semen, and an x-ray revealed an area of trapped air beneath the man’s skin. The doctors immediately hospitalized the patient, treating him with an intravenous antimicrobial therapy. The doctors performed a search of medical literature as they prepared their own case study, revealing not a single case of intravenous semen injection for improved coordination or strength. According to their research: “Although there is a report of the effects of subcutaneous semen injection into rats and rabbits, there were no cases of intravenous semen injection into humans found across the literature.” The authors then offered a warning: “It’s dangerous for the untrained to perform intravenous injections on themselves, especially when they’re injecting things that aren’t supposed to be injected into veins, like semen.” (Semenly sound advice.) Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Here at Badger Underground we are all jazzed up about the awesome 49-0 start of the season Friday night in Tampa. And for this staffer all the more so, because I was dispatched to see the game in person as hurricane Dorian threatened the other side of the state. My scouting report revealed that female fans of the University of South Florida Golden Brahma Bulls like to wear cowboy hats with interesting green shirts. Mascot Rocky D. Bull was less intriguing, but I spotted some avid Bulls fans proudly sporting their green garb amongst a sea of visiting red. Of the 47,000 in attendance, I estimate that >75% were pro-Bucky. Before the game, BU research led us to wonder which USF team would show up. Last year they stormed in and won their first 7 games under Charlie Strong (formerly HC of Louisville and Texas) and then proceeded to lose their next seven, including the Gasparilla Bowl in their home stadium, becoming the first team in college football history to start a season 7–0 and lose their final seven games. Another question was how USF’s new QB would fare. College journeyman Blake Barnett was starting QB at Alabama before Jalen Hurts beat him out. Barnett transferred to Arizona State and now is at USF. According to the USF website, Barnett is on the Johnny Unitas Golden Arm award watch list. As we now know, Jimmy Leonard’s D shut the Bulls out with only 26 yards rushing, 2 picks, and a fumble recovery for TD. So much for the Bulls’ hype, Bucky rules! Likewise, we wondered which Badger team would show up. Last year was a huge disappointment after the preseason #4 Badgers finished 2018 at 8-5 (5–4 in the Big Ten) before a final uptick by beating The U (again) 35-3 in the Pinstripe Bowl. We truly experienced the SI jinx! Well, Junior Badger RB Jonathan Taylor, supported the stellar D with 4 TD’s (2 rushing and 2 receiving) and 135 yards rushing. Thankfully, he logged no fumbles after putting 10 on the ground last year. True Freshman Nakia Watson is a nice surprise and looks like heir apparent at Running Back U, pounding 80 yards in relief of JT. Unnamed sources at the Washington Post have confirmed that the “Freshman” is actually ex-Badger and current LA Charger holdout Melvin Gordon III in a “Watson” jersey, inserted to get some much needed reps before his impending team change. Badgers quarterback Jackie Coan was a solid and serviceable game manager, solidly underwhelming that is. Badger Underground is looking forward to true Freshman Graham Mertz getting some playing time and tearing apart the back end of defenses like Coan can’t do. There was an obnoxious guy at the game screaming “Mertz!” after every Coan incompletion. That guy was me. The nicest thing that can be said about Jackie’s performance is that his first completion was to none other than Quintez Cephus! We were worried about Becky Badger and her team slow-walking on the Cephus reinstatement. Well, after viewing the footage of the interaction between Cephus and Danny Davis provided by Cephus’ attorneys (Click on Link), Becky’s team did the right thing and fast-tracked his eligibility, much to our delight. Returning to practice this week, teammates noticed that Quintez looked bigger, faster & stronger than two years ago. Rather than easing him into more snaps ahead of the Michigan game, we were ecstatic that HC Paul Chryst used the dynamic athlete on multiple 3-way opportunities Friday night in Tampa — no, not with cowboy hat-wearing cougars from St. Pete, but as a receiver, edge rusher on defense, and kick returner. Awesome. Speaking of cougars, it’s time to match those racks!... We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game You may remember Robbie Gould, the Bears kicker for the 2005-2015 seasons and their most prolific ever, who set an NFL record for 33 FG’s in a season during 2015. The brain trust at Halas Hall got rid of him when he asked to get paid what he’s worth (the 49’ers say thank you). Since dumping Gould the Bears have struggled kicking, and you undoubtedly recall this exciting and high-degree-of-difficultly double-doink that Cody Parky executed to lose last year’s Wild-Card playoff game. The Bears were 5.5 point favorites at home, but because they suck… …they lost. Rather than summarize the delicious tidbits of Bears ineptitude in SI’s recent publication that highlights them bringing in nine – count ’em, NINE – kickers for tryouts this year (while still paying Parky over $3.5 million to not have him play), I’ll just give you the link here. It’s very telling about how feeble-minded that organization is, how they lack the mental capacity to win a championship, and above all it’s really funny (probably because it’s true). Madness at 43 Yards: The Bears Kicker Competition Through the Eyes of Those Who Lived It (Clink On Link) It starts out with “Obsession! Conspiracy theories! Questionable Math! Welcome to the Bears kicker competition. Seven months after the ‘double-doink’ sunk their Super Bowl hopes, Chicago is obsessed with finding the right foot as pressure builds toward their next big kick. An inside look at the wildest kicker search ever held, from those who lived it.” Coach is particularly encouraged by this excerpt from the article: Nagy has a stable of pithy mottos he trots out to his team: “Be you.” “We’re chasing great.” “It’s a we thing, not a me thing.” He spent the spring and early summer trotting out a new one: “Remember the hurt.” Yeah, dwell on that! Blame it all on the kicker…Nobody else played in that game. Without a doubt, it’s the least helpful / thoughtful / inspirational motivational saying by a head coach; ever. For the record…the Bears’ new kicker is Eddy Pinero, shown here clubbing a shanked kick in pre-season. Not Ficken good. In an excruciating repeat for the Bears faithful, “Eddy” will miss a potential game winning field goal from 43 yards…. Pack 17 Bears 16 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them In today’s NFL it’s commonplace for quarterbacks to wear red colored jerseys in practice. This of course is a reminder to all players and coaches that they are not to be hit in drills. Normally, the red jerseys are worn by all quarterbacks – except in the case of the Dallas Cowboys, who do not single out their quarterbacks as anything special (because they are not). Depending on injuries or what drills the team is working on, other players like running backs and wide receivers may also don the red. If, however, your team’s main color is red (e.g. Washington, Arizona, Kansas City, 49ers, etc.), or you’re retarded like the Lions, then the QB wears either a yellow, black or green jersey. A lot of NFL fans think it was Bears-killer Brett Favre who first wore the red jersey in practice … a strategy that protected him from being frequently hit and helped him achieve ironman emeritus status for consecutive games played at quarterback. Actually, however, although it WAS a Packers QB who was first in the NFL to armor himself with a red jersey in order to prevent defenders from hitting him in practice, you probably don’t remember his name. Bill “Guppy” Troup played in seven NFL seasons from 1974 to 1980, for both the Baltimore Colts and then later the Green Bay Packers. After being released by Baltimore, Troup went north to the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers, where he served as Dieter Brock's backup for the 1979 season, before being picked up by the Pack in 1980 when their 3rd stringer Steve Pisarkiewicz departed after one only game and, ironically, went north to play for Winnipeg before subsequently pleading guilty to an indecent exposure charge (creepy). Anyhoo, Guppy saw his most extensive action for the Colts in 1978, when Bert Jones was injured and then Mike Kirkland also went down. The other 2 Green Bay field generals in 1980 were the much more well-known QB’s Lynn Dickey and David Whitehurst, who never wore a red shirt during practice; which is shocking, considering that head coach Bart Starr encouraged Vince Lombardi-like hitting drills as much as possible. At his first practice in Green Bay, Guppy Troup put a loose red mesh tunic over his jersey, to which head coach Bart Starr asked “What’s that for, son?” Guppy replied, “I can’t get hurt, so tell the fellas not to hit the guy in red.” An astounded Starr responded, “What makes you think you’re gonna get hurt?” “Well, I’m not,” said Troup, “but Lynn and David will, so you’re gonna need me to run the offense. That’s how it was in Baltimore and that’s just how it is in the NFL.” And Guppy was right. The oft-injured Dickey pulled his groin muscle in the very next game as he tried to elude a sack given up by Larry McCarren, and David Whitehurst (you guessed it) got hurt when he was hit in practice the following week. QB Bill Troup went 4 for 12 in his Packers debut, gaining 48 yards, but getting sacked twice for -20 yards, and he gave up 3 interceptions for an overall passer rating of 6.9. Ironically, Guppy was brought in to replace Pisarkiewicz as the Number 3 QB, who just a few weeks earlier went 2 for 5, for 19 yards, with one sack and zero interceptions, yielding a passer rating of 51.3. …not great, but better than Troup’s, and better than Whitehurst’s 5/15 for 55 yards with 1 pick, 3 sacks, and a QPR of 17.4. In case you’re wondering, Dickey was sacked 37 times that year, for a whopping -314 yards (QPR 70.0).
After retiring from football at 29 years old, Guppy joined the Professional Bowlers Association and later toured with his son, Kyle, who became a top 5 competitor on the PBA tour. Sadly, Bill Troup passed away in 2013 at the relatively young age of 62. So, Paul William “Guppy” Troup III, we posthumously salute you as a humble man, ahead of your time, who had fertile bowling sperm, and is solely responsible for the success of Brett Favre. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach hopes you’ve enjoyed the last 4 years of officially unauthorized Packer insights and edification (click on link). Well, it looks like the Brewers BARELY kept things interesting enough this year until Packers training camp started. Good thing we got to start a week earlier than usual, though (due to the “new head coach” rule). I’m not sure I could have stomached another viewing of Craig Counsell scratching his face like a meth head before yanking his starter in the 3rd inning, only to have his mid-relievers get shelled. So – perfect timing – we’re back to football (thank God)! Before we get started, though, I would be remiss without congratulating our preseason winner, Jeremy Rahn from Casco, for his submittal to name this photo of rookie RB Dextrose Williams taken at the annual Green & Gold softball game. For his winning entry, Jeremy Rahn gets a Bell & Howell Super 8mm film projector and a gently used bottle of Jergens lotion. Good on you, Jeremy! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: NFL Should Adopt Minimum Age Requirement Maybe it’s just me getting older, but from the looks of this year’s crop of Packers hopefuls at the 2019 Rookie Camp Invite, players trying out for NFL roster spots are simply getting too young. Ponder these tidbits: more than half of our starting quarterback's targets are at least a dozen years younger than him, and 3rd year player Kenny Clark (only 23 years old), is the most experienced defensive linemen on coordinator Mike Pettine’s crew. You can’t blame the young men for wanting to make NFL bank as soon as possible; many of them come from underprivileged backgrounds and could use a large inflow of cash to quickly pull their families out from the grasps of desperate situations. Others know that their future is uncertain, with the very real possibilities of either a career-ending injury at the amateur level, or a social media revelation that would jeopardize their tryout with a respectable franchise… Contrasting with other professional sports, consider that Josh Hader was selected in the 2012 MLB draft (by Baltimore) in his Senior year at Old Mill High School in Maryland, and now he is arguably the Brewers best pitcher. In basketball, LeBron James went right from high school to the NBA and had an immediate superstar impact. And, of course, Bucks NBA MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo was selected by GM John Hammond (rest in peace) 15th overall when the Greek Freak was only 18. So why should the NFL be any different? Well, maybe it shouldn’t be. I’m actually ok with trying out young men who are at least 18 years old. After all, if you’re legally old enough to go to war, or vote for the President of the United States, then you should be able to get paid for playing football. (But, hey, let’s not get crazy here, obviously you still need to be 21 to have a beer if you go fishing with friends on a hot summer day.) However, I have to draw the line when teams like the Packers bring in 13-year-olds for tryouts. True, these kids will likely only make the practice squad or, at best, be backups on Special Teams, but I say they still need to let their bodies and, more importantly – their minds – develop a little before bringing them into The Don Hutson Center for Oklahoma drills and signing them to a tender offer based on their potential several years out. And now the stakes appear even higher than I originally thought, with Rob Demovsky’s recent ground breaking report naming anonymous sources stating that several of these kids bought Whizzinators from Adrian Peterson’s agent to elude detection of Human Growth Hormones in their urine. To be fair, these claims have yet to be officially verified, so any suspicious observations that result in accusations can only be treated as speculation at this time and should not be relied on as evidence. Be that as it may, “ENOUGH!” I say. Having children on NFL teams is completely unacceptable. At least in my humble opinion. Just imagine what opening that door could lead to. I mean, what would be next … female referees? Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Congratulations to new Packers head coach Matt la-Fleur-la-chatte. He managed to squeak out a 2-point win in his first game…a home game, with a plus 3 turnover differential. Of course, Coach was there, pondering another lost opportunity to donate my preseason tickets to the Boys & Girls Club before the 72-hour pre-kick deadline. Just for orientation, 27 of the players on the 90-man roster didn’t play. This is natural and to be expected as fewer and fewer teams actually use real players during preseason games, with the NFL marching inexorably toward the 18-game season (as an aside, probably the only thing that Coach agrees with Alfred E Neuman about, the 17-game season makes much more sense as it allows all teams to play internationally without giving up a home game, plus having another game slightly lessens the need to invoke tie-breaker rules … let ’em decide it on the field, I say). Speaking of the preseason schedule, Coach had a malted-beverage-through-the-nostrils moment when listening to some of the pregame radio on the drive to the stadium (no, I don't text when I drink and drive). The local guys were lamenting having preseason games 2 & 3 on the road – the likely consequence being that the home fans will not see Mister Rodgers in person during the preseason. The national putz-pundit guest on the show opined that all teams should play preseason games 1 & 2 on the road and then they should all play preseason 3 & 4 at home so that the home fans could see them. What a fantastic and well-conceived idea! That was the moment when Coach discovered that weiß bier is an excellent nasal irrigator. Now, as a fun manly exercise, go suggest this same idea to your wife and see if she agrees, or figures out that each home team would actually require a visiting team in order to play. https://youtu.be/cesSRfXqS1Q OK back to the roster, Coach would like to illuminate who did not play, so the intrepid reader fully understands that these preseason games are for player evaluation, not to evaluate the scheme. Spoiler alert: if you were a Healthy Scratch, you made the team and probably are a starter. Penalties kill fun. A combined 21 penalties were a real buzz kill. Hard to tell if it was the refs or the rookies, but the first quarter was brutal (12 Pack, 9 Houstonians). Takeaways are good. We had two picks and two fumbles recovered and should have had a 3rd pick. All-in-all you have to like that, particularly Raven Greene tomahawking the ball out from behind. The “but” is that this was a preseason game and the turnovers covered otherwise average defense. (Is “tomahawking” still allowed as either a verb or defensive move? For the record, it was meant in a complementary way, and as not to offend. Now go hug a tree and use a gender-neutral bathroom.) The Texans had 71 plays to our 50, 32 minutes of possession to our 28 and 412 yards to our 237…so without the turnovers, this was likely a big win by the Texans. The Good LB Ty Summers Summers went in early on, when Oren Burks was injured. The rookie seventh round draft pick from TCU had nine tackles at halftime and finished with 10. Interesting fact, there are no gender-neutral bathrooms at Texas Christian University. Burks on the other hand did not look good during his short stint in the game and has not looked good in practice, so maybe we have a built-in solution with Summers on the roster. Note to Gutey: Stop drafting guys from Vanderbilt. Thank you. QB Tim Boyle Boyle only played about a quarter, but he went 3-5 passing with two TD’s and 40 yards. He looks like a QB on the field, has a strong arm and clearly knows what he is doing. Even in practices at Ray Nitschke field he looks a lot better than Kizer. Whether he is truly a good NFL #2 QB is an unknown, but Coach would much rather see Boyle at QB until Gutey decides if he needs a real #2. #KutKizer JK Scott??? Coach just doesn’t know what to think about our punter. He’s struggled in practice and his punted ball doesn’t look pretty at all…but maybe that ugly punt is an advantage(?). Watch in the next game, his ball never turns over into a passer's-spiral, the nose stays up like a high school cheerleader's when then ball comes down. Maybe this is an advantage? Maybe this is why the Texans returner had trouble gauging how to receive the punt? We’ll see. Not Tackling In accordance with la-Fleur-la-chatte’s edict to not tackle, the defense did an outstanding job! Unofficially we had five non-tackles. "It was pretty sloppy overall from a defensive perspective, in terms of tackling," LaFleur said. "It was exactly what we’ve been preaching, and I’m very proud of the guys. We didn’t injure any of the Texans.” The Bad (a.k.a. Players who need to be cut now to open up practice snaps). J’Mon Moore had 4 targets and dropped two of them that went through his hands and hit him in the chest. Yeah, he had a touchdown and was a high draft pick a year ago, but get rid of him, he is a liability. The model here is Spriggs, who the Packers finally cut this week (please recall that TT used 3 picks in total to trade-up and “steal” Spriggs from the Bears). J’Mon is another wasted pick, cut-him and move on. He is not making the team better. D’shon Kizer had a passer rating of 111 and two TD’s. Cut him. He simply has not passed the eye test in practice and does not play well in games. He is late and behind on the pass to Darrius Sheppard, who does an outstanding job of bringing in the ball before he gets the headshot. You have to assume at this point in A-Rod’s career that the backup QB is likely to play 4 games during the season, and the team needs the backup to go 2-2 for the team to stay in the playoff hunt. Kizer is not going to be that guy… #KutKizer The Game-of-Thrones Foghorn The traditional Go-Pack-Go bump was only played one time during the first half of Thursday’s event. In its place, a Game-of-Thrones-Ice-Wall foghorn was blasted, over-and-over. It had no effect on the crowd other than to stop everyone from cheering on our defensive 3rd downs. Coach naturally assumed that this was to placate G-o-T fan and cameo extra, Aaron Rodgers, but Coach was wrong… In his post-game news conference, la-Fleur-la-chatte (LFLC) revealed that it was Alfred E. Newman’s idea. They are seen here agreeing to use the stupid foghorn. Social media has blown up with negative fan reaction, let’s hope that this was just one more one-and-done-idea from Murphy, and it won't spill over into other idiotic ideas like T-shirt guns or autographed seed packets by Aaron Rodgers containing the same types of Kentucky bluegrass and fescue that is grown on Lambeau Field. LFLC needs to be careful that he is not associated with foghorns and sledding hills. Coach has explained in several prior episodes how dysfunctional the Packer’s front-office structure has been in recent years, so he won’t repeat it here… …Coach simply observes, 3 down, one foghorn to go. So, Matt LFLC…I know he’s your boss, but just stay very wide of what he is doing if you want to survive until we get a qualified Team President. I’ve got some ideas for that … so stay tuned for future episodes. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Despite Judge’s Ruling, Jones Adamant He’s Better Than Allison at Stashing Weed In Car FRANCIS CREEK, WI – It’s more than a coincidence that this is the first training camp in recent memory that a Packers player was not busted for speeding while headed north on I-43, and then subsequently charged with marijuana possession following a customary racial profile search by a local Sherriff’s Deputy. “As veterans, we try to help the younger guys out” said Packers wide receiver, Geronimo Allison. “After Aaron Jones got busted last year, I was like ‘Damn! I could have prevented this’ if only I would have said something to him – shown him the ropes, ahead of time.” The year prior, Allison reached a $330.50 plea deal with prosecutors to settle a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge, stemming from a traffic stop in Manitowoc County. The complaint says the trooper who pulled Allison over smelled marijuana, but he denied smoking the drug. A search of the vehicle found three cigars that tested positive for THC, a substance in marijuana. This year Allison is intent on doing what he can to prevent the younger guys on the team from finding themselves in a similar predicament with the law. “Yeah, G-Mo really scored by getting off that easy … ya know they found HIS hooch” bemoaned otherwise enthusiastic Packers running back, Aaron Jones. Jones was pulled over during the 2018 preseason for going 79 mph in a 55-mph zone as he merged onto State 172, and the trooper reportedly smelled marijuana emanating from the vehicle and observed Jones’ eyes to be red and bloodshot. He told the trooper he had woken up three hours earlier and, like most of us, smoked marijuana after eating breakfast. Notably, a search of the vehicle did not produce any narcotics or paraphernalia. However, even though Allison offered Jones the services of his lawyer, Brian Maloney, Jones still had to pay a whopping $1,047 and his license was suspended for six months after he entered a no-contest plea to the citation for driving with a controlled substance in his system, in exchange for dismissal of tickets for speeding and operating without a license. “Makes no sense to me” said Jones, “they never even found my shit and I paid like 5 times what G-Mo had to.” “None of this needed to happen” the elder Allison lamented. Following practice Wednesday, he told several rookies gathered in the south end zone of Ray Nitschke Field, “If you have questions, come to me. I’ve been in Green Bay long enough now to know who to get the good ganja from, where to hide it, and how to fool the cops. Cops are stupid. The key is to not brag about being a Packer; instead, say something like ‘Thanks for checking on me, officer. My brother is a cop in Tampa. When I’m done playing football, I hope to try out for law enforcement. I know I’ll have to stay in great shape for it.’ They eat that shit right up.” In unrelated news, Sam Shields could not be reached for comment. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Bears Looking At Eliminating Unprofitable Football Wing Of Organization CHICAGO—Referring to the sport as a loss leader that “never really captured public interest,” Bears officials confirmed Wednesday they were exploring the idea of shutting down the organization’s unprofitable football wing. “Unfortunately, we may have to cut our losses and shift our focus to more profitable sectors with real growth potential like concessions and apparel,” said CEO Ted Phillips, who clarified that the Bears would still explore hosting more lucrative events like 7’s rugby exhibitions and World Cup soccer. “Soldiers Fields is still a great venue with tons of potential to host big-name concerts and other events that will vastly outperform our lagging football division. You can only sink so much money into a project before you have to be honest with yourself and admit it was a failure that is never going to work out. By doubling down on what the Bears actually do well, whether it be hosting corporate trade shows or converting the locker rooms into a laser tag arena, we can ensure a future for our organization.” Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground We at the Badger Underground are here to tell you the pundits are full of it when it comes to Big Ten West predictions. The prognostications of Bucky ending in 3rd place are predicated on Cornholer coach Scott Frost pulling a second rabbit out of his hat as he did in his 2nd year at CFU with an undefeated record playing absolutely nobody. Wishful thinking. As we know, it’s tougher sledding here in the Big Ten and Mr. Frost, a former ‘Holer QB, knows it. Yeah sure, we are probably going to have a frosh QB, but Graham Mertz is still learning the system and working through some training camp jitters. Secret: Coan looks better so far. Look for him to be in stride by the September 21 game at Camp Randall against the Michigan Weaselrines. We have spotted Graham’s proud grandparents from Marinette hanging out around practices. Fred and Ethyl are just tickled to see young “Grammy” come back up from Kansas to play for Bucky. They scored 50-yard season tickets and will be a fixture of section E for the next 4 years. Pundits are also citing turnover at OL for an off year at Camp Randall. Give us a stinkin’ break. Bucky has sported a dominant OL year after year by bringing in green farm boys from the fields and converting them into Joe Thomas (Brookfield), Mark Tauscher (Auberndale), and a long list of other NFL stalwarts. This year’s version will have no trouble busting Jonathan Taylor open in his (probably) last year in Mad Town. Remember the name Kayden Lyles, who moved from his DL position last year to OL for which he was recruited. Too much Defensive turnover? Maybe, but look for Jimmy Leonhard to trot out some walk-on tough guys to KATN. WR no-names? There is some hope in this area! With a jury last week finding Quintez Cephus not guilty of a crime allegedly committed over a year ago, Paul Chryst has opened the door for his return to the team … provided the UW administrative swamp can move more swiftly than a glacier to turn over his guilty-until-proven-innocent expulsion. You see, the ivory tower administrative process in Madison is structured a bit differently than a normal business. The adjudicator (we’ll call her Becky) has assigned three key personnel to this project:
We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game While the scrimmage with the Texans was uneven and, well, a preseason game, there is obviously a lot of raw talent on the team. The offense and defense should all do OK in Baltimore. It’s unfortunate for fans everywhere that place kicker Sam Ficken will not make the team. No, he’s not better than Crosby, but he does make a big impact on the game! In the 4th quarter of the Texans game, he replaced Mason Crosby for an extra point. Stadium announcer Bill Jartz, in an apparent moment of inadvertent comedy, excitedly announced the made extra-point with: “Ficken Good!” You’re Ficken-A right, Bill, it WAS good. More relevant, though, our Defensive Coordinator Frite Poutine has taken a page out of Gregg Williams' best-selling book, “Football Strategy and Downright Dirty Trix”. In a small test of one technique, Poutine sabotaged JJ Watt’s personal mobility device. Watt suffered a strained groin muscle and torn anus as a result and was not able to play Thursday evening. At this writing it is not known how frequently Poutine plans to use Williams' tactics, but he did confirm there is no truth to the rumor that Kevin King volunteered to reenact case studies logged in the book's appendices. OK, on to the Orioles game this coming Thursday. Baltimore a city known for TV shows, murder, and presidential commentary….not really known for football as of late now that Edie Falco is out as QB, having left to get a mile high. Coach has to be honest here, these games don’t count so while Coach will predict a win, it really doesn’t matter. Likely the Packers will look OK with AR in for 3 series and subsequently win 45-44 after a meaningless exchange of defensive scores late in Q4. The week after, the Packers are visitors against the Raiders at their home stadium in Winnipeg, Manitoba, People’s Republic of Canada. You can expect Rodgers to be under center well into the 3rd quarter, but do not expect the Packers to put anything on tape scheme-wise that the Bears can study for battle in Week 1. If you’re lucky enough to go to the game, please enjoy the many splendors that “America’s Hat” has to offer; namely, Labatt Blue, Rush, walleye fishing, gravy on french fries, and a live Trailer Park Boys show featuring the authentic Canadian antics of Bubbles, Ricky, Julian, and Snoop Dogg. While meandering the streets on your way to/from the game, you might even bump into a real NHL ice hawk-E player from the Winnipeg Jets ... like Mason Appleton from Green Bay. He’s really good. No doot aboot it. And he'll be wearing Green and Gold for sure. The last “game” of the preseason is against the KC Chef's and will feature no one. It’s primary purpose is to familiarize Packers fans with practice squad players that they will not see for another year, and to enunciate that there is only 1 week left before the start of the season when helmets are strapped on for reals. Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Some guys can flat out fly. Today’s Packers team is riddled with speed burners, from Trevor Davis, to Darnell Savage, and there are several lesser known training camp pickups who can flirt with 4.3 40’s, too. As the saying goes: speed kills. But just because a guy is fast in the 40-yard dash at the combine, doesn’t necessarily mean his speed will translate well to the field when the pads are on. One of the fastest Packers on Sundays was a defensive halfback by the name of Ace Loomis. There technically was no Special Teams Coach for the Packers in the early 1950’s, but Assistant Coach P.R. “Bustagut” O'Connor is unofficially recognized as the inventor of the modern day punting formation and the use of a “gunner” to replace the seldom-effective End that flanked the line of scrimmage on 4th-and-long. Not much else is known about O'Connor's coaching or personal life, but he did have a secret weapon that we do know quite a bit about: Ace Loomis. Despite his portly frame, Ace could sprint down the sidelines at blazing speed to knock a punt returner senseless — timed perfectly just barely after the pigskin touched his hands. Ace was not only fast, he was deceptively fast, and smart. Often he would bait defenders, lulling them into thinking he could be contained, only to blow by them when he realized a punt would have enough hang time for him to make up for lost ground by the time he got to their receiver. Soon other teams adopted a similar means for defending a punt return, and the innovation was so effective that NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle eventually had to adopt a “Fair Catch” rule to prevent near decapitations. As amazing as Ace was at defending punt returns, he was also as impressive as a defensive back. Drafted in 1951 out of UW-La Crosse by Paul Brown, the speedy Loomis was immediately acquired from Cleveland by Green Bay. In his first 3 years he had a whopping 12 interceptions (1 for a touchdown). You just don’t see numbers like that these days. We all know that pro football didn’t pay well back in those days (many players worked full-time jobs in the off-season in order to make ends meet, and Loomis was no exception). Ace was also a commercial pilot for the G. Heileman Brewing Company and needed more flight hours to support his 4 children, so he left the game while he was arguably still in his prime. Still, too many flights meant not enough time at home with loved ones, so Ace eventually used his NFL earnings nest-egg to settle down and opened a popular gathering place on the east side of Appleton. His tavern, which specialized in serving the interests of gentlemen, soon outgrew its modest shell of a building. So Ace relocated his business to the northeast corner of a newly carved out complex on the west side of town called the Fox River Mall. Ace tragically passed in 2003 from a severely infected urinary tract. His youngest son, Greg “Greezy” Loomis, unfortunately mismanaged Ace’s burgeoning enterprise, which led to its eventual demise, sale, and razing 10 years later. Anyhoo, Ace, you were fast and used your speed well, and we raise our glass to salute you!
Coach will be back before the Week 1 kickoff to the 2019 season and ensuing beat down of the Bears by the Packers in America's murder capital at the NFL's shittiest stadium. See ya's in a coupletree weeks, en so? |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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