With the 29th pick in the 2017 draft, the Green Bay Packers select... La La Land!
Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme
Due to legal restrictions stemming from provocative Coach Clarahanson commentary published over the tightly controlled internet, Coach has recently been bound to refrain from using actual NFL personality's names; but there is, however, nothing stopping us from rhyming names, so... In case you missed the draft coverage, Packers scouting personnel approached the mic at 1265 Lombardi Avenue to provide insight after each selection by GM Red Rompson. Head Coach Dyke L'Carpetry later commented that he was pleased by the early emphasis on defense; a sentiment echoed by his D-coordinator, Mom Rapers. Away from the press conference, Coach Clarahanson reached out to veterans whose jobs might be on the line with the influx of rookie talent. Former 1st round pick Hilarious Vandal admitted, "Yeah, I'm a little nervous. I dunno, maybe they'll move me to safety or something. I played that in college." Conversely, All-Pro pass rushing Linebacker Gay Asscrews said "I'm not worried. I'm still the most talented player on this defense so I welcome the new guys that can come in and make us better." On the other side of the ball, this draft was strangely peppered by RB's and WR's in the later rounds. Slot receiver Handle Knob suggested he, like most people in Wisconsin, was surprised by the Packers taking more crappy WR's that could have been acquired as undrafted fee agents saying "We're pretty set with the guys we got." And former receiver-turned-running back, Guy Mightcumonmee, indicated that neither of his positions are really in jeopardy by 5th round or 7th round selections.
When asked to grade the potential of this year's Packers draft class, ESPN pundit Smell Diaper Jr was uncharacteristically tight-lipped and even appeared slightly inebriated when he mumbled "Nobody cares what I say. There is no God."
But seriously folks, here's Coach's summary that you can use to impress your douchebag co-workers at the water cooler...
Two UDFA’s are really, really interesting:
CB Donatello Brown, Valdosta State (former Ninja Turtle)
WR Montay Crockett, Georgia State (seriously, another Crockett UDFA?)
OL Thomas Evans, Richmond
OL Geoff Gray, Manitoba
ILB Cody Heiman, Washburn (nice name)
QB Taysom Hill, BYU (Ted continues to stockpile the Mormon talent)
DT Izaah Lunsford, Bowling Green
OL Adam Pankey, West Virginia
WR Aaron Peck, Fresno State
CB Lenzy Pipkins, Oklahoma State (nice name)
CB David Rivers III, Youngstown State
OL Christian Schneider, UC-Davis (at some point we're just asking to be attacked by radical Muslim terrorists)
WR Raysean Pringle, Southern Utah (yep, we'll have a full Tabernacle Choir)
Trading out of first and picking up an extra 4th round was an A++ because Haason Reddick was already gone before #15 and we got an elite player in the 2nd round plus Biegel from Cleveland in the 4th.
Day 2 -- not packaging picks and trading to get another 3rd rounder was an F- ...Really disappointed at the missed opportunity to have 4 picks in the 2nd/3rd round.
Trading down in 6th to get a 7th? The limit on signing guys is 90 to a roster; other than drafting more in the 7th round we could sign 89 UDFA’s plus Rodgers. Makes no sense, so clearly TT was paying back John Elway for a previous sexual favor.
Between draft and UDFA’s we added:
A breakdown of each draft choice follows later on in The Show!, but for now Coach observes that the Packers draft looks OK on paper; Captain Obvious asserts we’ll know much better in August and better still 3 years from now. More profoundly, statistics show that 1st round picks are much more likely to have a positive impact on the team. Therefore, Coach is drafting a letter to commissioner Roger Goodell, demanding that the NFL change the draft. The proposal will eliminate the current 7 rounds and, in its place, each team will receive 7 first round picks. That should raise the level of play all around the league with that many more First-Rounders on the field. You're welcome.
WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like
What's the deal with the Bengals drafting bad-character guys? In the 2nd round, Cincinnati picked Joe Mixon, RB from Oklahoma. He was on the draft board of only 4 teams because of the infamous viral video of him assaulting a college co-ed, so you know he's a bad dude. Here's a partial wrap sheet of other infamous Cincinnati Bengals...
A.J. Nicholson - theft ... stole electronic equipment from teammate.
Adam "Pacman" Jones - assault/battery, plus disorderly conduct while intoxicated.
Andre Smith - carrying a concealed loaded weapon at airport. Yeah, that's a crime, dude.
Cedric Benson - assault/battery of male roommate, also beat up a bartender. Remained a troublemaker in Chicago, but cleaned up his act in Green Bay.
Chris Henry - assault/battery, driving with a suspended license, providing alcohol to minors, DUI, raising a stolen gun in the air in a fight outside a club, drug possession. ...Perhaps the greatest Bengal of all time.
Corey Dillon - domestic violence ... hit his wife. Unclear if she was asking for it, though.
Darnay Scott - theft ... wrote a fake check for a new motorcycle. That would get you shot in downtown Neenah.
Deltha O'Neal - animal abuse ... wiped his dog's eye gunk onto ear fur.
Frostee Rucker - domestic violence ... fought with girlfriend, Caitlyn Jenner, at a party in LA.
Jerome Simpson - possession of 2.5 lbs of marijuana. Famously said "Uh, that's not mine."
Matthias Askew (seriously, that's his name) - resisting arrest (ironic, eh?).
Maurice Purify (nice name) - disorderly conduct (again, ironic).
Orson Charles - brandishing a gun inside car in a road rage incident. Coach has been waiting a long time to use the word "brandishing" in a sentence.
Rey Maualuga - DUI hitting 2 parked cars and a parking meter, assault/battery, really bad breath.
Steve Foley - firing weapon in air several times outside of club, domestic violence ... kicked in the door of his son's mother and grabbed her by the throat.
Looks like Joe will fit right in.
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
GREEN BAY-The speculation is over, Wisconsin resident and Packers fan, Chris Kowalski, has announced that he will return to drinking for another football season. Following his wife's off-season threat to leave him if he didn't get help, many expected Kowalski to give up drinking for good, but he held a press conference earlier this week to announce he's not done yet. "The packers are my life, and drinking ... is my life." said Kowalski. "I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me...."
Can Kowalski push through with another good season, or are his best drinking days behind him? There's no doubt in anyone's mind that Chris is among the all-time greats of alcohol consumption, and has the track record to prove it -- all in the name of Packers football.
Lost Jobs - 9
Career High BAC - 0.43%
Women Punched - 6
Couches Soiled - 14
Lambeau Field Ejections - 0
Kowalski comes from that incredible drinking class of 1974 and is one of only two surviving members.
Chris briefly disappeared from the drinking scene until resurfacing naked in downtown Appleton after the Packers Super Bowl XLV victory. Scouts monitoring Kowalski's current training regimen say he's still got good form and has continued drinking straight through the offseason. Keeping his buzz going through all 7 rounds of the 2017 NFL draft, Kowalski finally passed out at his niece's baptism, and later awkwardly groped his son's 14-year-old girlfriend before threatening to kill himself by jumping off of the roof of their ranch house. Suffice it to say that if the Packers are still playing, Chris Kowalski will still be drinking.
The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof
Maybe bad decision making is just a systemic problem in Chicago. United Airlines is based in Chicago and, unless you've been living under a rock the past coupla weeks, you know that they had the Chicago PD board a plane at the gate to beat up an elderly doctor because he refused to give up his seat for an airline employee that United wanted to send to the plane's destination city. Fast forward to the 1st round of this year's NFL draft...
The Bears totally screwed themselves in the 1st round. They gave up 3 extra draft picks just to move up one spot (from #3 to #2) with the 49ers. San Fran must have been bewildered that they could fleece the Bears so badly. Just imagine what that conversation was like on the phone... [Bears GM Ryan Pace]"You're not gonna take Mitchell Trubisky, are you?" [49ers GM John Lynch]"Uh, yeah ... Michael Trinkowski, that's they guy we're planning to take alright. You know it!" [Pace]"Oh dear... how about if I give you one of my picks to take somebody else?" [Lynch]"Look dickface, give me 3 picks now or I'm taking him." [Pace]"OK, deal." I think Ryan Pace must have led Obama's negotiating team when we brokered that terrific nuclear deal with Iran. The Bears could learn from the Buffalo Bills. Only hours after the conclusion of the draft, they fired GM Doug Whaley who they hired in 2013 (ouch). I guess they didn't like his picks, and took decisive action. But back to Shitcago...
Ok, so the deal is done and they can pick ANYONE they want at #2, and then they wasted their pick on an inexperienced quarterback, from a basketball school, whose favorite NFL team just happens to be … wait for it … the Packers!
Since Turdbiscut only played in 13 games across his entire college career (that’s 3 fewer than the games the Bears will play in a single season), he will undoubtedly be riding the pine for at least 2-years behind the Bears’ $50 million off season acquisition, QB Mike Glennon – who (it just so happened) rode the pine in Tampa Bay all of the last 2-years behind rookie+ QB Jameis Winston. Think of Jay Cutler, only less of a prick, with less talent, and dumber -- that's Mike Glennon. This idiot actually requested Cutler’s jersey number 6!
So watch for Glennon and Trubisky entries on the names of Bears QB's (= failed NFL QB's) since Favre started in Green Bay. At this point it rivals the quantity of names engraved on the Stanley Cup.
Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground
Badgers Draft report
As reported by The Show!!! pre-draft edition (and by other lesser outlets), Ryan Ramjack went in the first round as did J.J.’s lil’ bro T.J. Watt. We wish these guys all the best except when they play the Packers this year!
Our big news of course is that the Pack snagged Wisconsin Rapids' very own Vince Biegel with the first pick of round 4! We think he could outshine Watt in the NFL with his work ethic and tenacity, not that T.J. lacks in either category.
No other Badgers were drafted., but here are Bucky’s free agent signings:
Clement to Philly
Ogumbowale to the Texans
Shelton to the Cardinals
Wheelright to the Panthers
Bart Houston has not been signed and seems destined to be a CFL clipboard holder or assistant QB coach at Kutztown University. This school must be a rising NCAA powerhouse ... the Bears drafted a guy from there!
Badgers Spring report
As we know, many Badgers spent Spring Break 2017 honing football skills -- especially QB Alex Hornibrook, who took a SoCal sabbatical to develop pocket presence and improve arm strength. But much more media splash was given to Mr. Khaki-pants taking his Weasels to Rome. Apparently, Jimmy is resorting to throwing coins in Trevi Fountain and meeting the Pope as his strategy to beat the Badgers in November. Conversely, in his true understated style, Badgers head coach Paul Chryst has announced plans to have his team help the UW Police and Security at the Mifflin Street Block Party with burned sofa removal, and then he intends to follow that up the next morning with a field trip to the House on the Rock.
The Spring Game completely met expectations, as we expected roughly 39 seconds of watchable football. None of the projected Badger stars played and the walk-on wannabe’s duked it out to a 20-17 result, which makes the Badgers tied for the BigTen lead at 1-1 for the Spring Games season.
Looking toward the Fall, the #12 Badgers are the cream of the Western Division crop with an outside chance at winning the BigTen(14) and an even larger outsider chance for Final Four glory. WI should be unbeaten when Michigan rolls into Camp Randall in November and subsequently reach the conference championship game, as the schedule is quite favorable. The toughest non-conference test is at BYU, which is laden with future Packers draft picks, and enters the 2017 season ranked somewhere in the 40's.
The defensive front 7 is loaded, despite losing Watt & Biegel. The stout 4-man DL rotation from last year is back, with the additions of 6’-7” 300 lb Isaiahh Loudermilk (nice name for a DT!) and equally beefy Garrett Rand. Nobody’s going to run the ball on these guys and they will set the table for the returning LB's Cichy and Orr to harass opposing QB’s. New DC Jim Leonard has all the tools to be a top 5 D in the NCAA. Capers take note!
On offense, the OL returns all starters and backups, except at LT (Ramczyk), but shirley another husky Sconnie farm boy is ready to take his place. Though WI loses its top two RB’s from 2016, don’t anticipate any dropoff there as Pitt transfer Chris James (remember that name) looks to bring everything to the table that Clement brought, plus a pass-catching upgrade. Bradrick Shaw returns this year and was an explosive backup RB last year. We still hope the receivers are not too thin and that Cephus steps up to help Jazz. Place kicker Rafa Gaglianone has returned from surgery after tweaking his back in some un-specified incident on Langdon Street, so expect more made 55-yard field goals and more missed extra points this year.
We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game
In a completely uncharacteristic approach to his draft day customs (insert sarcasm here), Ted Thompson took a defensive player from the PAC-12 with his 1st pick (a defensive back), followed by another defensive back with his 2nd pick. Is it possible to get whiplash from déjà vu? BTW, have you noticed how old Ted Thompson acts these days? He shuffles his feet and slurs his speech as a regular thing now. Pretty soon he’ll be pulling his belt up over his belly button and frequenting Perkins at 4pm. Coach believes that is why Elliot Wolf has been getting so much press conference time, sort of like Donald Trump Jr at the Republican convention (keep the camera on the pretty face with the golden tongue so nobody gets overly concerned with the real boob running the show).
Now, hitting on each of your picks is nearly impossible -- like trying to get last year’s sticker of off your license plate to cleanly apply this year's sticker as prescribed on the DMV instructions. But if you can get 2 better starters in the draft to improve a Final Four team, that’s pretty good. Throw in a couple developmental guys that will be solid contributors in the next coupletree years, and maybe an inexpensive Special Teamer or two, and that’s the makings of a decent draft. So let’s break it down…
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them
So last week we reflected on #1 overall draft pick and Hall of Famer, Paul Hornung. Let's just hope our 1st pick this year, Kevin King, will enjoy as much success as The Golden Boy did as a Packer. You know, though, there were several other Hall of Famers that played with Paul Hornung in the Glory Years, too. In fact, Hornung's backfield teammate announced Green Bay's first couple of selections in this year's draft donning his yellow jacket. So, without further ado, we have decided to salute the great Packers fullback, #31, James Charles Taylor (shown carrying the ball in the header picture at top), and we dedicate this week's JB edition to him. Here's some fun facts that you need to know about Jim Taylor...
And speaking of Hall Of Fame packers named "James" ... have you seen Jenna Jameson lately? She is still looking pretty sporty (considering the mileage). These recent photos got me thinking about dusting off the Bowflex and pondering, "What's my favorite Jenna Jameson movie?" What's yours? There’s so many greats to choose from like, Pulp Friction, Saving Ryan’s Privates, Goodwill Humping, The Cunt for Red October, Finding Nympho, and so on, and so on, but here’s my top 3 Jenna Jameson movies (in no particular order):
Anyways, Jim Taylor was a pretty good fullback.
See ya back here around September 7 to kick off the 2017 season and to pave the road to our inevitable Super Bowl 52 victory!
PS The Bears still suck.
"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground.