The best thing about draft day? It’s got to be the ubiquitous surge of boos that fill the arena to greet Commissioner Roger Goodell every time he approaches the podium. Packers 1st Round pick Jaire Alexander rushed to Green Bay from Dallas Friday morning after Day 1 of the 2018 NFL Draft to see the Lambeau Field facilities and visit with team officials, who took him downtown Saturday night to see the final performance of Let Me Be Frank’s theatrical production “Something Stinks in Kaukauna.” When reached for comment outside the Meyer Theatre after the show, Alexander said “I was so excited to be picked by such a great organization as the Green Bay Packers, but I’m not sure what the hell I just saw back there. Does A-Rod actually live here?” Congratulations to this week’s contest winner, Mr. Gaylord Schnell from St Nazianz, for correctly guessing Coach’s new favorite TV reporter, Carley Shimkus! It’s hard to put your finger on it, but there’s just something about Carley that says “Yep, she’s a keeper.” For his winning entry, Gaylord receives this pristine, vintage, never before worn, pre-statutory rape accusation, Mark Chmura Lambeau Field 7up watch from 1997. Good on you, Gay! Now let’s talk about Coach’s top 10 guys that deserve to be punched in the face (in no particular order):
Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme So now the draft is over. After the 248th pick, those of us closely watching the selection process at 1265 Lombardi Avenue noticed GM Brian Gutekunst give a visual shout-out to his idol, Carol Burnett, at the conclusion of his final 2018 Draft press conference. I know what you’re thinking... How do you pronounce Jaire? And I know your 2nd thought ... Is this guy another T-Buck? Well, on the surface Jaire Alexander does have some similarities to Terrell Buckley: ACC cornerback, elusive punt returner, small in stature, Jimmy Johns fast, cocky mo-fo. But there are subtle differences that should keep Alexander in town more than the 3 years that T-Buck lasted some 25 years ago. Well, first off — these days a 1st-rounder is essentially a cheap 5-year contract, so he’ll be playing here through the 2022 season barring injury or arrest. Size wise, Jaire is over an inch taller and 22-pounds heavier than Buckley. Character-wise, “Alexander Island” (as dubbed by teammates for being a shutdown corner) was elected Captain by the Louisville Defense players... he’s not a “me-me-me” guy starved for praise by pundits. Check out his reaction — while being interviewed on national TV, Alexander overheard the announcement of Louisville QB Lamar Jackson and freaked out in joy for his former teammate. Click On Link https://youtu.be/-7Z4AOBPvL4 Look for him to be emblematic of the fine line difference between a guy that is “cocky” versus a player with “swagger.” Ok, so what about his play? Alexander is not unique in that he is an early round defensive back that can cover either an NFL slot receiver or a wide out, but few of the early round DB selections have capability to cover BOTH. Safeties that Gutey did not pick can come down into the slot, but they simply can’t cover the boundary. Most cornerbacks that successfully use the boundary to their advantage in coverage can’t also blanket interior space (we’ll have to see how Josh Jackson fares). Jaire can cover both because of his make-up speed to close, and that is rare (#SamShields). Add in the fact that he challenges ball carriers instead of backing away from a tough tackle, and there’s really very little that ties Jaire Alexander to Terrell Buckley. Well, except for maybe that T-Buck recruited Alexander to Louisville and was his cornerbacks coach his freshman year. Shit. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Bears War Room Torn Between Draft Picks CHICAGO—Admitting that his team was constantly plagued over deciding which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and athleticism, but on the other, you have an inconsistent, injury-prone question mark from a third-rate program. How do you make that choice?” said Pace, adding that it was almost impossible to weigh the advantages of drafting a perennial Pro Bowler to build the team around against the potential upside of a guaranteed bust. “The whole staff has been going back and forth between grabbing a prospect who’s good at football or drafting the one who can’t play for shit. One has world-class speed, the other is slow. One is a natural leader, the other is likely to cause a divisive split in the locker room. My staff was as confused as the elderly Senators during the Mark Zuckerberg hearings.” Pace later confided that last year was much easier when he simply got fleeced by a 1st round trade with San Francisco. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Rosen to anti-Semites: “F You!” After being selected by the Arizona Cardinals with the 10th overall pick in this year’s NFL draft, Josh Rosen (UCLA quarterback and son of famous L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. R. Rosen) boasted — no, threatened — that the first 9 teams will “pay dearly” for not drafting him when they had the chance. Immediately, Twitter lit up with Alt Right neo-nazi claims that Rosen is a money grubber, typical of Jewish-Americans that “run Los Angeles.” Arizona Border Patrol agent and Trump supporter, Hunter Rassismus, tweeted “You can’t hide the hook, that guy will drain our cap space.” The Cardinals rookie shrugged off the negative social media response. Said Rosen, “All I have to do is act like Aaron Rodgers on TV and everything should fall into place. It’s amazing how much a chip on your shoulder improves your abilities.” The Packers All-Pro QB purportedly spent some time with Rosen prior to the draft to give him some tips on throwing and waiting a really long time in the Green Room. When reached for comment, Rodgers said “I actually bumped into Josh by accident when I was out in L.A. visiting Mel Gibson. I don’t know what Josh is bitching about, he’s not even that good and he still got picked in the top 10! Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Rodgers He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen LOS ANGELES–Rushing into the winter home of the Green Bay Packers quarterback and snatching a protein / vegetable powder shake out of his hand, embarrassed health guru Hernon Pierce reportedly informed Aaron Rodgers Tuesday that he’s been mistakenly following a toxic diet regimen this whole time. “Oh my god, Aaron, there’s been a mistake – this diet is potentially fatal,” said a panicked and humiliated Pierce before quickly throwing out all the food in Rodgers’ house while informing the two-time NFL MVP the he had recently come across research debunking any health benefits of his strict nutritional habits. “If you don’t stop this diet immediately, your muscles will atrophy, your skin is going to wither, and we’re looking at multiple organ failures within the next few weeks. Geez, we’ve got to get you off of this dairy-free diet right away. Quick, you need to start eating cheese and yogurt. What the hell were we thinking?” Pierce later added that Rodgers’ ill-advised workout regimen may actually render him immobile by age 40. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground 2017 Badgers who are now at NFL rookie camps…
Think about it... It took until the 4th round for a player from the 12-0 Orange Bowl champion Wisconsin Badgers to be drafted. This means one thing. The Badgers of 2018 will be absolutely loaded! They were absent of major losses that will otherwise be tough to back-fill. The mentality in the locker room is focused on establishing their position in the playoffs and winning the national championship.
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Badgers DC Strapping It Up in Green Bay Before Becoming Head Coach MADISON--Among the Packers free agent signings this past week following the draft, the big surprise was Jim Leonhard coming out of retirement and out of his defensive coordinator duties in Madison to suit up in replacement of the departed Morgan Burnett at safety. Leonhard played under new Packers Defensive Coordinator Mike Petine’s tutelage in Baltmore, Buffalo, New York (Jets), and Cleveland. This move completes the Packers secondary transformation from assignment-unsteady defensive backs that can’t cover a lick or stay on the field, to old, slow but cerebral veterans who can show the new guys the ropes. Unnamed sources have confirmed that this “signing” is merely the door opening to put Jim Leonhard in place on the Packers sideline longer term, supplanting expected 2019 Super Bowl Champion head coach Mike McCarthy following his inevitable move to the Pittsburgh Steelers. McCarthy’s not-so-startling exit from Green Bay following the Super Bowl parade is expected to come under already murky circumstances. Reputed mob boss Dominic Capers is slated to take over the Steeler GM duties despite claims that he colluded in a point shaving scheme with Packers opponents’ offensive coordinators during the 2011-2017 seasons in telegraphing plays that would succeed in easily converting third downs, instructing defensive backs to play several yards off receivers, forbidding safeties from providing over-the-top help, clinging to defensive alignments designed not to work and intimidating Ted Thompson into trading down to not draft TJ Watt while continually wasting high draft picks on low-ACT Pac-12 defenders who never stood a chance of figuring out his exotic schemes. Investigations continue into hush money ostensibly received from Capers via a U.P.-based pizzeria debit card account by Nick Perry, Morgan Burnett, Ahmad Brooks and Clay Matthews in exchange for maintaining their silence relating to fake injuries ranging from pulled hamstrings to calf strains to undiagnosed lower back pain. The money trail also revealed similar transactions made to suppress child support claims made by several women in the Green Bay area, including Capers’ maid. Capers vehemently denied such claims, suggesting that those women were liars, planted by Jermichael Finley to divert attention from his own transgressions. This circles us back to the question of why such a sudden exit will inevitably occur for Mike McCarthy following an exhilarating Super Bowl win over the AFC Champ. Capers reportedly told McCarthy that Pittsburgh has some of the most beautiful hookers in the world, and this coincides with the recent rampant rumors that have swirled regarding recordings made of McCarthy “getting it on” with hookers in a Pittsburgh hotel room following the Miss Pittsburgh pageant. No doubt McCarthy is already getting testy about this subject, as evidenced when he was pressed by CNN’s Anderson “Jerry Springer” Cooper, regarding the possible recordings being used as leverage. McCarthy responded “I’m NOBODY’s bitch, Anderson. Do I look like a guy who needs hookers?” We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Ahhh, the offseason. The front office was blown up, a couple of high-profile free agents were signed, and the 2018 NFL Draft is in the books. The theme for 2018 is addition by subtraction…so let’s have a look at those changes and Coach’s assessment of the change. Since Bob Harlan made the change back in the 80’s, the Packers Structure has been a “Dictator” at General Manager who handled all football operations. Harlan has been quoted saying many, many times that the change to keep the football operations isolated from the business side has been key to the success of the Packers. You don’t have to look any farther than 90% of NFL Teams who have “active” owners to see how disruptive that is (yes, Jerry Jones, you). The GM’s were Ron Wolf, Mike Sherman and Ted Thompson, in more-or-less the structure below. The names listed were the incumbents until the Off-Season changes. The structure now has changed with essentially the elimination of the old General Manager position and the elevation of Scout Brian Gutekunst to General Manager (who has no authority other than scouting and personnel) and promotion of Capologist Russ Ball, to, well, actually no change, they just gave him more money. The publicly announced theory is the Mark Murphy will preside over a triumvirate of equals, who will bring balanced proposals and provide Solomon-like incisive decisions. In other words, McCarthy told Murphy he can't give Gutey the power to fire him. When you cut through all the nicey-nice in the media, essentially McCarthy has been promoted to GM/Head-Coach. There is no way that he will defer to the others, he is now first among equals. Or in Coach-think, he has a double-secret-promotion. This structure could work. It works in New England and it works in Seattle. We even had it here once. After Ron Wolf’s retirement, Mike Sherman was promoted to GM/Head-Coach. Bob Harlan declared it one of the worst decisions he ever made, and Sherman's fate is recalled later (below) in Coach's segment dedicated to the legendary fandom of one Joseph W. Brown. Coach has thought a lot about all of these changes and it certainly is possible that it could work, but contemplate the following:
To make this dizzying array of changes digestible, Coach provides you, the discerning Coach Clarahanson reader, with a summary of the front office and coaching changes: So who are the two new Coaches? Joe Philbin was with the Pack from 2003 through 2011. After coaching OL at Iowa he came to Green Bay as the Assistant OL Coach for the Packers. After 4 years as OL and TE coach, he was promoted to Offensive Coordinator in 2007 under Mike McCarthy. That year the Pack made it to the NFC Championship, but alas succumbed to a Brent Favor interception. Philbin was also the OC during Aaron Rodger’s first 3 years as starting QB …yes, that’s right he was AR’s OC when we won the 2010 Super Bowl. By all accounts they had a fantastic relationship, and more importantly, he was the one directing the Offense in 2011. During the 2011 season the Packers averaged over 31 points per game, went 15-1 and would have had another ring if the Defense was any good. After leaving Green Bay, Joe spent some forgettable years as the Dolphins head coach and the Colts Assistant Head Coach/OL. Coach is here to say that getting Joe Philbin back as the #12 Whisperer is the single most important addition to the Offense this Off Season. Who knows if they can reach the stars again like in 2011, but it’s a given that Joe can help turn around the downward trend that we’ve been on since he left. Mike Pettine has been an NFL Coach for about the same amount of time as Joe Philbin, almost always on the Defensive Side of the ball. Pettine has been fairly successful with his Defenses, even though he has been on some really bad teams with suspect talent. Clearly his time with the Jets was the most successful where he had two Top 10 Defenses, and he even managed that one time with the talentless Cleveland Browns in 2014. What Coach really likes is that Pettine likes to play a mix of 3-4 and 4-3. What that means is that even in Nickel defenses we will likely have 3 DL on the field at all time, and in many 1st down and short yardage situations we will have 4 DL on the field. As the loyal reader knows, it was driving Coach Absolutely Puke En’ Rabbit Shit (CAPERS for short) when we would line up with 2 DL in middle down and distance and then get gashed for 7 yards the middle and a first down…that nonsense should stop under Pettine. Former players also say that he is a “good teacher’. Translation? “I am a HS drop out who barely managed a D- average during my 3 years at Northeast Oklahoma State University when a cheerleader was taking the tests for me. Pettine told me where to line-up and which guy to hit, in a way that I could understand.” This should be a nice contrast to the “nobody was f’ng lined up in the right spot” and “it wasn’t my man that scored the last TD in the playoff game” that we have become numb to during the Legume Era. Regarding the new players, obviously it will be few years before Coach can give you the definitive book on Gutey calling the shots on personnel. Nobody can tell at this point how the new guys will turn out. Is JeyeRee the lock down corner or another Antuan Edwards? Was drafting a punter and a long snapper a move of genius, or simply a stupid violation of everything Ron Wolf put in place in Green Bay? Was not drafting a pass rusher a stupid oversight or a good reading of “no talent” on the board? We’ll know in about 2 years. What Coach really likes is draft picks. We went into the 2018 with 12 picks and came out with 11 guys and an extra 1st Round pick for 2019….you gotta love that. Gutey also picked up decent offseason talent in TE Jimmy Graham and DL Mohammed Wilkerson. Great off season steals or washed-up-has-beens? We’ll find out by the end of August. But what Coach is 100% certain of is that Ted Thompson had to go. Shown below is a summary of all of Ted’s 120 draft picks since 2005. The rating scale is a quick, qualitative and intuitive evaluation of each player. While there are no doubt debates to be had about any individual rating, the total picture is probably not too far off (let’s debate at the bar if you don’t agree). As your gut already told you, the biggest take away is that Ted did not do as well finding stars to play on the defensive side of the ball. Of even bigger concern is his seeming inability to hit on any talent in his last 4 drafts (2014-2017). This is going to be a real challenge for Gutey to overcome….and it really, really puts the pressure on Philbin and Pettine to come out of the gate very strong. Addition by subtraction. We made a bunch of moves…and now it’s up to Eminem, Regis Philbin and Poutine to deliver. Coach for one is very optimistic about 2018. What’s not to like, we’re undefeated! JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them So the Packers drafted a punter in the 5th round. Smart? I know what you're thinking... Mike Sherman was an idiot, and his infamous 3rd round selection of B.J. (heh, heh) Sander cemented that title. He purportedly was enamored by Sander’s left-footed kick, which presumably would confuse receivers into dropping balls because of the opposite rotational spin of the ball (Hello? Ever heard of Steve Young, or Boomer Esiason, or Mark Brunnel, or Michael Vick, or Ken Stabler? ...all southpaws who managed to find that rarest of rare receivers capable of catching a football spinning with either clockwise or counterclockwise rotations #UnderhandRefereeToss). To make a long story short, Sander was not an NFL talent, Sherman fell asleep at the Combine, and Ted was brought in to right the ship. So who was the greatest Packers punter of all time? Clarke Hinkle? Craig Hentrich? Dick Deschaine? Don Bracken? Ray Stachowicz? Digging into the Packers annals (don’t get gross), the all-time greatest Packers punter was, in fact, Don Chandler. He did not kick in the most Packers games (Tim Masthey, 96), or have the coolest name (Bucky Scribner, with a nod to Paul McJulien), or kick the most punts (David Beverly, 495), but he did have the longest one (that’s what she said). In an October 1965 game against the 49ers in Lambeau, Chandler got off a 90-yard punt that traveled 75 yards in the air and over 110 yards out of the end zone with the roll. The Packers had a 4th down at their own 10, and Don booted the ball from his goal line. It landed at the San Francisco 25 and bounded on through their end zone for a touchback. But there was more to his game than just punting. Don Chandler actually performed BOTH kicking jobs for the Packers, and he was one of the best in the league at both duties (heh, heh – dooties!). And with his background as a running back, he was very effective at the fake punt -- which he spontaneously unveiled whenever he felt the opposition was lax. Don rushed the ball 13 times for 146 yards and completed all three of his pass attempts for 67 yards. For the arithmetically challenged, that’s 16 successful fake punts! Lombardi did not draft Chandler, he traded for him with the Giants in exchange for a 5th round draft pick (tah-dah!). Green Bay was coming off its most disappointing season under Vince Lombardi (1964) and much of it was due to the kicking game. When Paul Hornung returned from his 1963 gambling suspension he had completely lost his kicking touch, going 12-of-38 in field goals and missing two extra points. Gotta clean that up! Better kicking could have changed the team’s 8-5-1 record to 11-3 and reduced the division winning Colts to 10-4. Just sayin. Chandler played just 3 years in Green Bay. His punting average (42-yds/punt) and kicking points (261, FG’s & PAT’s) figured prominently in each of these three seasons and, not coincidentally, in the 3 championships that he was a part of here. He retired with Lombardi, but reportedly was willing to return in 1968 if he were able to skip weekly practices and just show up on the weekends for games (like today’s kickers do, when they’re not golfing). General Manager Lombardi refused, and it was a big mistake for which new coach Phil Bengston paid the price. The team would make only 13-of-28 field goal attempts and would miss three extra points as well. More reliable kicking would have won them three or four more games and earned them the division title despite the fact that Bart Starr missed half the season with injuries…and you know the slide that ensued from there. Coach calls it “My childhood.” So, Don Chandler, we posthumously salute you as being the greatest Packers punter of all time. Now it’s time for me and Mrs. Coach to focus on some serious musky fishing this summer. Her birds nests have subsided, yet she retains her primary responsibilities as sandwich artist, trolling motor put'er-outer and puller-inner, Frabill holder, and bump-board specialist (she's pretty good at pulling arrows from a target block, too, just fyi). Keep your hooks sharp and your fletchings unfrayed, fellas! See ya ‘round da OTA’s er so.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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