Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach hopes you’ve enjoyed the last 4 years of officially unauthorized Packer insights and edification (click on link). Well, it looks like the Brewers BARELY kept things interesting enough this year until Packers training camp started. Good thing we got to start a week earlier than usual, though (due to the “new head coach” rule). I’m not sure I could have stomached another viewing of Craig Counsell scratching his face like a meth head before yanking his starter in the 3rd inning, only to have his mid-relievers get shelled. So – perfect timing – we’re back to football (thank God)! Before we get started, though, I would be remiss without congratulating our preseason winner, Jeremy Rahn from Casco, for his submittal to name this photo of rookie RB Dextrose Williams taken at the annual Green & Gold softball game. For his winning entry, Jeremy Rahn gets a Bell & Howell Super 8mm film projector and a gently used bottle of Jergens lotion. Good on you, Jeremy! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: NFL Should Adopt Minimum Age Requirement Maybe it’s just me getting older, but from the looks of this year’s crop of Packers hopefuls at the 2019 Rookie Camp Invite, players trying out for NFL roster spots are simply getting too young. Ponder these tidbits: more than half of our starting quarterback's targets are at least a dozen years younger than him, and 3rd year player Kenny Clark (only 23 years old), is the most experienced defensive linemen on coordinator Mike Pettine’s crew. You can’t blame the young men for wanting to make NFL bank as soon as possible; many of them come from underprivileged backgrounds and could use a large inflow of cash to quickly pull their families out from the grasps of desperate situations. Others know that their future is uncertain, with the very real possibilities of either a career-ending injury at the amateur level, or a social media revelation that would jeopardize their tryout with a respectable franchise… Contrasting with other professional sports, consider that Josh Hader was selected in the 2012 MLB draft (by Baltimore) in his Senior year at Old Mill High School in Maryland, and now he is arguably the Brewers best pitcher. In basketball, LeBron James went right from high school to the NBA and had an immediate superstar impact. And, of course, Bucks NBA MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo was selected by GM John Hammond (rest in peace) 15th overall when the Greek Freak was only 18. So why should the NFL be any different? Well, maybe it shouldn’t be. I’m actually ok with trying out young men who are at least 18 years old. After all, if you’re legally old enough to go to war, or vote for the President of the United States, then you should be able to get paid for playing football. (But, hey, let’s not get crazy here, obviously you still need to be 21 to have a beer if you go fishing with friends on a hot summer day.) However, I have to draw the line when teams like the Packers bring in 13-year-olds for tryouts. True, these kids will likely only make the practice squad or, at best, be backups on Special Teams, but I say they still need to let their bodies and, more importantly – their minds – develop a little before bringing them into The Don Hutson Center for Oklahoma drills and signing them to a tender offer based on their potential several years out. And now the stakes appear even higher than I originally thought, with Rob Demovsky’s recent ground breaking report naming anonymous sources stating that several of these kids bought Whizzinators from Adrian Peterson’s agent to elude detection of Human Growth Hormones in their urine. To be fair, these claims have yet to be officially verified, so any suspicious observations that result in accusations can only be treated as speculation at this time and should not be relied on as evidence. Be that as it may, “ENOUGH!” I say. Having children on NFL teams is completely unacceptable. At least in my humble opinion. Just imagine what opening that door could lead to. I mean, what would be next … female referees? Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Congratulations to new Packers head coach Matt la-Fleur-la-chatte. He managed to squeak out a 2-point win in his first game…a home game, with a plus 3 turnover differential. Of course, Coach was there, pondering another lost opportunity to donate my preseason tickets to the Boys & Girls Club before the 72-hour pre-kick deadline. Just for orientation, 27 of the players on the 90-man roster didn’t play. This is natural and to be expected as fewer and fewer teams actually use real players during preseason games, with the NFL marching inexorably toward the 18-game season (as an aside, probably the only thing that Coach agrees with Alfred E Neuman about, the 17-game season makes much more sense as it allows all teams to play internationally without giving up a home game, plus having another game slightly lessens the need to invoke tie-breaker rules … let ’em decide it on the field, I say). Speaking of the preseason schedule, Coach had a malted-beverage-through-the-nostrils moment when listening to some of the pregame radio on the drive to the stadium (no, I don't text when I drink and drive). The local guys were lamenting having preseason games 2 & 3 on the road – the likely consequence being that the home fans will not see Mister Rodgers in person during the preseason. The national putz-pundit guest on the show opined that all teams should play preseason games 1 & 2 on the road and then they should all play preseason 3 & 4 at home so that the home fans could see them. What a fantastic and well-conceived idea! That was the moment when Coach discovered that weiß bier is an excellent nasal irrigator. Now, as a fun manly exercise, go suggest this same idea to your wife and see if she agrees, or figures out that each home team would actually require a visiting team in order to play. https://youtu.be/cesSRfXqS1Q OK back to the roster, Coach would like to illuminate who did not play, so the intrepid reader fully understands that these preseason games are for player evaluation, not to evaluate the scheme. Spoiler alert: if you were a Healthy Scratch, you made the team and probably are a starter. Penalties kill fun. A combined 21 penalties were a real buzz kill. Hard to tell if it was the refs or the rookies, but the first quarter was brutal (12 Pack, 9 Houstonians). Takeaways are good. We had two picks and two fumbles recovered and should have had a 3rd pick. All-in-all you have to like that, particularly Raven Greene tomahawking the ball out from behind. The “but” is that this was a preseason game and the turnovers covered otherwise average defense. (Is “tomahawking” still allowed as either a verb or defensive move? For the record, it was meant in a complementary way, and as not to offend. Now go hug a tree and use a gender-neutral bathroom.) The Texans had 71 plays to our 50, 32 minutes of possession to our 28 and 412 yards to our 237…so without the turnovers, this was likely a big win by the Texans. The Good LB Ty Summers Summers went in early on, when Oren Burks was injured. The rookie seventh round draft pick from TCU had nine tackles at halftime and finished with 10. Interesting fact, there are no gender-neutral bathrooms at Texas Christian University. Burks on the other hand did not look good during his short stint in the game and has not looked good in practice, so maybe we have a built-in solution with Summers on the roster. Note to Gutey: Stop drafting guys from Vanderbilt. Thank you. QB Tim Boyle Boyle only played about a quarter, but he went 3-5 passing with two TD’s and 40 yards. He looks like a QB on the field, has a strong arm and clearly knows what he is doing. Even in practices at Ray Nitschke field he looks a lot better than Kizer. Whether he is truly a good NFL #2 QB is an unknown, but Coach would much rather see Boyle at QB until Gutey decides if he needs a real #2. #KutKizer JK Scott??? Coach just doesn’t know what to think about our punter. He’s struggled in practice and his punted ball doesn’t look pretty at all…but maybe that ugly punt is an advantage(?). Watch in the next game, his ball never turns over into a passer's-spiral, the nose stays up like a high school cheerleader's when then ball comes down. Maybe this is an advantage? Maybe this is why the Texans returner had trouble gauging how to receive the punt? We’ll see. Not Tackling In accordance with la-Fleur-la-chatte’s edict to not tackle, the defense did an outstanding job! Unofficially we had five non-tackles. "It was pretty sloppy overall from a defensive perspective, in terms of tackling," LaFleur said. "It was exactly what we’ve been preaching, and I’m very proud of the guys. We didn’t injure any of the Texans.” The Bad (a.k.a. Players who need to be cut now to open up practice snaps). J’Mon Moore had 4 targets and dropped two of them that went through his hands and hit him in the chest. Yeah, he had a touchdown and was a high draft pick a year ago, but get rid of him, he is a liability. The model here is Spriggs, who the Packers finally cut this week (please recall that TT used 3 picks in total to trade-up and “steal” Spriggs from the Bears). J’Mon is another wasted pick, cut-him and move on. He is not making the team better. D’shon Kizer had a passer rating of 111 and two TD’s. Cut him. He simply has not passed the eye test in practice and does not play well in games. He is late and behind on the pass to Darrius Sheppard, who does an outstanding job of bringing in the ball before he gets the headshot. You have to assume at this point in A-Rod’s career that the backup QB is likely to play 4 games during the season, and the team needs the backup to go 2-2 for the team to stay in the playoff hunt. Kizer is not going to be that guy… #KutKizer The Game-of-Thrones Foghorn The traditional Go-Pack-Go bump was only played one time during the first half of Thursday’s event. In its place, a Game-of-Thrones-Ice-Wall foghorn was blasted, over-and-over. It had no effect on the crowd other than to stop everyone from cheering on our defensive 3rd downs. Coach naturally assumed that this was to placate G-o-T fan and cameo extra, Aaron Rodgers, but Coach was wrong… In his post-game news conference, la-Fleur-la-chatte (LFLC) revealed that it was Alfred E. Newman’s idea. They are seen here agreeing to use the stupid foghorn. Social media has blown up with negative fan reaction, let’s hope that this was just one more one-and-done-idea from Murphy, and it won't spill over into other idiotic ideas like T-shirt guns or autographed seed packets by Aaron Rodgers containing the same types of Kentucky bluegrass and fescue that is grown on Lambeau Field. LFLC needs to be careful that he is not associated with foghorns and sledding hills. Coach has explained in several prior episodes how dysfunctional the Packer’s front-office structure has been in recent years, so he won’t repeat it here… …Coach simply observes, 3 down, one foghorn to go. So, Matt LFLC…I know he’s your boss, but just stay very wide of what he is doing if you want to survive until we get a qualified Team President. I’ve got some ideas for that … so stay tuned for future episodes. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Despite Judge’s Ruling, Jones Adamant He’s Better Than Allison at Stashing Weed In Car FRANCIS CREEK, WI – It’s more than a coincidence that this is the first training camp in recent memory that a Packers player was not busted for speeding while headed north on I-43, and then subsequently charged with marijuana possession following a customary racial profile search by a local Sherriff’s Deputy. “As veterans, we try to help the younger guys out” said Packers wide receiver, Geronimo Allison. “After Aaron Jones got busted last year, I was like ‘Damn! I could have prevented this’ if only I would have said something to him – shown him the ropes, ahead of time.” The year prior, Allison reached a $330.50 plea deal with prosecutors to settle a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge, stemming from a traffic stop in Manitowoc County. The complaint says the trooper who pulled Allison over smelled marijuana, but he denied smoking the drug. A search of the vehicle found three cigars that tested positive for THC, a substance in marijuana. This year Allison is intent on doing what he can to prevent the younger guys on the team from finding themselves in a similar predicament with the law. “Yeah, G-Mo really scored by getting off that easy … ya know they found HIS hooch” bemoaned otherwise enthusiastic Packers running back, Aaron Jones. Jones was pulled over during the 2018 preseason for going 79 mph in a 55-mph zone as he merged onto State 172, and the trooper reportedly smelled marijuana emanating from the vehicle and observed Jones’ eyes to be red and bloodshot. He told the trooper he had woken up three hours earlier and, like most of us, smoked marijuana after eating breakfast. Notably, a search of the vehicle did not produce any narcotics or paraphernalia. However, even though Allison offered Jones the services of his lawyer, Brian Maloney, Jones still had to pay a whopping $1,047 and his license was suspended for six months after he entered a no-contest plea to the citation for driving with a controlled substance in his system, in exchange for dismissal of tickets for speeding and operating without a license. “Makes no sense to me” said Jones, “they never even found my shit and I paid like 5 times what G-Mo had to.” “None of this needed to happen” the elder Allison lamented. Following practice Wednesday, he told several rookies gathered in the south end zone of Ray Nitschke Field, “If you have questions, come to me. I’ve been in Green Bay long enough now to know who to get the good ganja from, where to hide it, and how to fool the cops. Cops are stupid. The key is to not brag about being a Packer; instead, say something like ‘Thanks for checking on me, officer. My brother is a cop in Tampa. When I’m done playing football, I hope to try out for law enforcement. I know I’ll have to stay in great shape for it.’ They eat that shit right up.” In unrelated news, Sam Shields could not be reached for comment. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Bears Looking At Eliminating Unprofitable Football Wing Of Organization CHICAGO—Referring to the sport as a loss leader that “never really captured public interest,” Bears officials confirmed Wednesday they were exploring the idea of shutting down the organization’s unprofitable football wing. “Unfortunately, we may have to cut our losses and shift our focus to more profitable sectors with real growth potential like concessions and apparel,” said CEO Ted Phillips, who clarified that the Bears would still explore hosting more lucrative events like 7’s rugby exhibitions and World Cup soccer. “Soldiers Fields is still a great venue with tons of potential to host big-name concerts and other events that will vastly outperform our lagging football division. You can only sink so much money into a project before you have to be honest with yourself and admit it was a failure that is never going to work out. By doubling down on what the Bears actually do well, whether it be hosting corporate trade shows or converting the locker rooms into a laser tag arena, we can ensure a future for our organization.” Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground We at the Badger Underground are here to tell you the pundits are full of it when it comes to Big Ten West predictions. The prognostications of Bucky ending in 3rd place are predicated on Cornholer coach Scott Frost pulling a second rabbit out of his hat as he did in his 2nd year at CFU with an undefeated record playing absolutely nobody. Wishful thinking. As we know, it’s tougher sledding here in the Big Ten and Mr. Frost, a former ‘Holer QB, knows it. Yeah sure, we are probably going to have a frosh QB, but Graham Mertz is still learning the system and working through some training camp jitters. Secret: Coan looks better so far. Look for him to be in stride by the September 21 game at Camp Randall against the Michigan Weaselrines. We have spotted Graham’s proud grandparents from Marinette hanging out around practices. Fred and Ethyl are just tickled to see young “Grammy” come back up from Kansas to play for Bucky. They scored 50-yard season tickets and will be a fixture of section E for the next 4 years. Pundits are also citing turnover at OL for an off year at Camp Randall. Give us a stinkin’ break. Bucky has sported a dominant OL year after year by bringing in green farm boys from the fields and converting them into Joe Thomas (Brookfield), Mark Tauscher (Auberndale), and a long list of other NFL stalwarts. This year’s version will have no trouble busting Jonathan Taylor open in his (probably) last year in Mad Town. Remember the name Kayden Lyles, who moved from his DL position last year to OL for which he was recruited. Too much Defensive turnover? Maybe, but look for Jimmy Leonhard to trot out some walk-on tough guys to KATN. WR no-names? There is some hope in this area! With a jury last week finding Quintez Cephus not guilty of a crime allegedly committed over a year ago, Paul Chryst has opened the door for his return to the team … provided the UW administrative swamp can move more swiftly than a glacier to turn over his guilty-until-proven-innocent expulsion. You see, the ivory tower administrative process in Madison is structured a bit differently than a normal business. The adjudicator (we’ll call her Becky) has assigned three key personnel to this project:
We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game While the scrimmage with the Texans was uneven and, well, a preseason game, there is obviously a lot of raw talent on the team. The offense and defense should all do OK in Baltimore. It’s unfortunate for fans everywhere that place kicker Sam Ficken will not make the team. No, he’s not better than Crosby, but he does make a big impact on the game! In the 4th quarter of the Texans game, he replaced Mason Crosby for an extra point. Stadium announcer Bill Jartz, in an apparent moment of inadvertent comedy, excitedly announced the made extra-point with: “Ficken Good!” You’re Ficken-A right, Bill, it WAS good. More relevant, though, our Defensive Coordinator Frite Poutine has taken a page out of Gregg Williams' best-selling book, “Football Strategy and Downright Dirty Trix”. In a small test of one technique, Poutine sabotaged JJ Watt’s personal mobility device. Watt suffered a strained groin muscle and torn anus as a result and was not able to play Thursday evening. At this writing it is not known how frequently Poutine plans to use Williams' tactics, but he did confirm there is no truth to the rumor that Kevin King volunteered to reenact case studies logged in the book's appendices. OK, on to the Orioles game this coming Thursday. Baltimore a city known for TV shows, murder, and presidential commentary….not really known for football as of late now that Edie Falco is out as QB, having left to get a mile high. Coach has to be honest here, these games don’t count so while Coach will predict a win, it really doesn’t matter. Likely the Packers will look OK with AR in for 3 series and subsequently win 45-44 after a meaningless exchange of defensive scores late in Q4. The week after, the Packers are visitors against the Raiders at their home stadium in Winnipeg, Manitoba, People’s Republic of Canada. You can expect Rodgers to be under center well into the 3rd quarter, but do not expect the Packers to put anything on tape scheme-wise that the Bears can study for battle in Week 1. If you’re lucky enough to go to the game, please enjoy the many splendors that “America’s Hat” has to offer; namely, Labatt Blue, Rush, walleye fishing, gravy on french fries, and a live Trailer Park Boys show featuring the authentic Canadian antics of Bubbles, Ricky, Julian, and Snoop Dogg. While meandering the streets on your way to/from the game, you might even bump into a real NHL ice hawk-E player from the Winnipeg Jets ... like Mason Appleton from Green Bay. He’s really good. No doot aboot it. And he'll be wearing Green and Gold for sure. The last “game” of the preseason is against the KC Chef's and will feature no one. It’s primary purpose is to familiarize Packers fans with practice squad players that they will not see for another year, and to enunciate that there is only 1 week left before the start of the season when helmets are strapped on for reals. Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Some guys can flat out fly. Today’s Packers team is riddled with speed burners, from Trevor Davis, to Darnell Savage, and there are several lesser known training camp pickups who can flirt with 4.3 40’s, too. As the saying goes: speed kills. But just because a guy is fast in the 40-yard dash at the combine, doesn’t necessarily mean his speed will translate well to the field when the pads are on. One of the fastest Packers on Sundays was a defensive halfback by the name of Ace Loomis. There technically was no Special Teams Coach for the Packers in the early 1950’s, but Assistant Coach P.R. “Bustagut” O'Connor is unofficially recognized as the inventor of the modern day punting formation and the use of a “gunner” to replace the seldom-effective End that flanked the line of scrimmage on 4th-and-long. Not much else is known about O'Connor's coaching or personal life, but he did have a secret weapon that we do know quite a bit about: Ace Loomis. Despite his portly frame, Ace could sprint down the sidelines at blazing speed to knock a punt returner senseless — timed perfectly just barely after the pigskin touched his hands. Ace was not only fast, he was deceptively fast, and smart. Often he would bait defenders, lulling them into thinking he could be contained, only to blow by them when he realized a punt would have enough hang time for him to make up for lost ground by the time he got to their receiver. Soon other teams adopted a similar means for defending a punt return, and the innovation was so effective that NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle eventually had to adopt a “Fair Catch” rule to prevent near decapitations. As amazing as Ace was at defending punt returns, he was also as impressive as a defensive back. Drafted in 1951 out of UW-La Crosse by Paul Brown, the speedy Loomis was immediately acquired from Cleveland by Green Bay. In his first 3 years he had a whopping 12 interceptions (1 for a touchdown). You just don’t see numbers like that these days. We all know that pro football didn’t pay well back in those days (many players worked full-time jobs in the off-season in order to make ends meet, and Loomis was no exception). Ace was also a commercial pilot for the G. Heileman Brewing Company and needed more flight hours to support his 4 children, so he left the game while he was arguably still in his prime. Still, too many flights meant not enough time at home with loved ones, so Ace eventually used his NFL earnings nest-egg to settle down and opened a popular gathering place on the east side of Appleton. His tavern, which specialized in serving the interests of gentlemen, soon outgrew its modest shell of a building. So Ace relocated his business to the northeast corner of a newly carved out complex on the west side of town called the Fox River Mall. Ace tragically passed in 2003 from a severely infected urinary tract. His youngest son, Greg “Greezy” Loomis, unfortunately mismanaged Ace’s burgeoning enterprise, which led to its eventual demise, sale, and razing 10 years later. Anyhoo, Ace, you were fast and used your speed well, and we raise our glass to salute you!
Coach will be back before the Week 1 kickoff to the 2019 season and ensuing beat down of the Bears by the Packers in America's murder capital at the NFL's shittiest stadium. See ya's in a coupletree weeks, en so?
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
Categories |