Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Nice costume. Hey, Deadbeat -- it’s bad luck to sneak into your kids’ room to steal their Halloween candy before a Packer game! That’s right, I blame you. After a brief suspension from taking clandestine footage on Packer premises due to a “minor” infraction of team policies, Coach had full photography and audio recording privileges reinstated before the game Monday night. Enjoy… For good luck, I randomly pick a player and fornicate with his shoulder pads before each game. Last time it was Kevin King, and before that Aaron Rodgers. No, those sweatpants don’t make you look fat. It’s your ass that makes you look fat! I wonder if the Defense is gonna play worth a shit tonight… How did we get in a vagina? Just worry about what WE can control. The Defense has our back! Did you know that chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows? It’s true … uh-huh! Pssst, gimme your mother’s phone number. Uh, when’s the part when we’re supposed to kneel? Dom … are you there?... Dom … come in … Dom … can you hear me? I think they’re on to us… My arms are stuck! What the heck is wrong with my shoulder pads tonight? Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme OK Sport, here’s what you need to know about the Lions game. A team that was reeling and playing like crap kicked our asses. And that was the good news. Oh, OK, Hundley started OK. The first drive he got us into FG range and we actually threatened to score…that is until Derek Hart skipped a one-hopper snap back to Vogel and the kick was blocked. Crosby, Hart & Vogel (seen below) came out early at halftime during the Badgers performance and Crosby literally had to show Hart how to snap the ball while avoiding collisions with the marching band (#AnimalHouseParadeScene). I shit you not! The Defense looked good for exactly 2 plays and on 3rd and long Mike Daniels drew a 15-yard head-butting-knumbskull penalty and the rout was on…Detroit took the 1st down and went the length of the field for 7. After that we performed typically and Detroit never had to punt…for the whole fricking game. Hundley looks like he could be a game manager – and didn’t throw a pick, but he didn’t score any points until garbage time. But to his credit he did play better than the week before. The Defense? Oh boy. Actually, let’s be fair, the Defense matched the 30-points-allowed they have averaged for the 13 games that McCarthy hasn’t had Rodgers available. Coach is simply running out of ways to show that Capers sucks and needs to be fired. Every stinking year except for 2010 we just plain sucked on defense. There’s a legitimate point to be argued about lack of talent…but Jumpin’ Jehosaphat, we are halfway through the season and we still don’t know who’s supposed to be on the field? I guess you can call it improvement that we never had 12 or 10 on D, but we had several plays where guys got on at the last second and were confused on assignments (same as Saints game). Why in the Sam Hill from Kentucky can’t we just have a base set and put the best guys out there??? Let’s reflect on a coupla infamous Mike McCarthy quotes: 1. “Statistics are for losers.” Coach agrees. So here’s an interesting loser statistic, noting how MM compares with one of the guys he calls a “peer”… When A-Rod is not your QB, you draw on your core abilities as a leader, motivator and coach. As it turns out, your core abilities are not very good. Just saying, the facts prove that you suck as a coach when #12 is not covering up your ineptitude. 2. “I am one of the most successful coaches in the National Football League.” Yeah, we remember when you whipped that dandy out exactly 1-year ago when everyone was calling for your head. But you forgot to add “…when Aaron Rodgers is my quarterback.” Said another way, when Aaron Rodgers in not your quarterback, you are one of the LEAST successful coaches in the National Football League. You are freakin lucky you have a job. Based on actual coaching skill, any of these head coach’s would still have their jobs (health permitting), and likely would have won multiple super bowls since 2005, if only their GM had not passed up on drafting Aaron Rodgers: Mike Nolan - 49ers (note, this was Mike McCarthy’s previous boss) Nick Saban – Dolphins (brief experiment) Romeo Crennel – Browns (handed McCarthy his only loss in calendar year 2011) Lovie Smith – Bears (the Bears still suck) Jon Gruden – Buccaneers (had previously won a Super Bowl with a great defense and Brad Johnson handing the ball off to Mike Alstott) Jeff Fisher – Titans Mike Tice - Vikings (had 2 chances at Rodgers in 1st round) Dennis Green – Cardinals (Rodgers was not who he thought he was) Joe Gibbs - Redskins Steve Mariucci (fired in 2005) and Dick Jauron (the Bears still suck) - Lions Bill Parcells - Cowboys (shocker - had 2 chances at Rodgers in 1st round) Marty Schottenheimer – Chargers (another former boss of McCarthy) John Fox – Panthers (the Bears still suck) Dick Vermeil – Chiefs (remember that move across Missouri?) Dom Capers – Texans (yep, Capers fired at end of the 2005 season – it IS possible!) Marvin Lewis – Bengals (Cincinnati’s Wayne Fonts) Mike Martz (fired in 2005) and Joe Vitt (fired after 2005 season)– Rams (imagine Rodgers with Martz!) Jack Del Rio - Jaguars Jim Haslett – Saints (fired after 2005 season) Norv Turner – Raiders (fired after 2005 season) Notice that all teams who have won Super Bowls since 2005 drafted AFTER the Packers that year except for the Ravens (drafted Joe Flacco) and Saints (acquired Drew Brees). McCarthy, your day of reckoning is near… NFL Insiders: McCarthy on NFL Coaches Watch List Over/Under for "McCarthy-Fired" Upped to Week 13 of 2017 Season LAS VEGAS–Odds makers confirmed that Mark Murphy joined Ted Thompson Tuesday afternoon in delivering the news to Mike McCarthy that he is officially “on-watch” after yet another disastrous performance. Shortly after he received the news, the head coach had time to react on the practice field. As of publication, The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! staff were not able to confirm if Mike had cabbage for lunch. Good news and turds both roll downhill. McCarthy is shown below just after he used his new assertive style to explain that Dom had been doing a fine job, but maybe he should try a little harder. WTF - The Coach's take on football news that’s messed up Well, Martellus Bennett was unexpectedly released on Wednesday for failing to disclose a condition (let Coach crack that code for you: oven-mitt hands, and has more baggage than O’Hare). In what will likely turn out to be a genius personnel maneuver, the New England Patriots claimed Bennett off of waivers only 9 months after his stellar performance in their Super Bowl victory. In other news, former Packers Tight End Jarred Cook, who they could have re-signed for less money than Martellus Bennett, is having a banner year with the Raiders. In other, other news… Aaron Rodgers Balloons To 450 Pounds After 3 Inactive Weeks In Wisconsin GREEN BAY–Relegated to watching others practice and play football following his broken clavicle injury, it was obvious when the national TV cameras turned their lenses toward Aaron Rodgers on the sideline Monday night that he had let himself go. “Yeah, I may have started dairy again. Lack of calcium weakens bones, you know. …AAAND the doctors say I “may” have acquired an eating disorder. Apparently I swallowed a lot of aggression since Anthony Barr’s cheap shot – AND A LOT OF PIZZA’S! I like that John Candy. And Chris Farley. He was from Wisconsin, too. Fat Albert was really Bill Cosby, ….” “Eating disorders like this usually stem from an incident that the afflicted can’t seem to get past.” said neuropsychologist Craven Moorehead. “In Aaron’s case, it appears he was the last player left in the hospital waiting room. He’s been terribly despondent ever since then, and randomly references famous people who were infamously overweight.” No official statement was released regarding Rodgers’ new look by his former girlfriend Oliva Munn, who purportedly likes a “chubby.” The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof The results are in from last week’s poll question: Could Alabama’s swim team beat the Bears swim team? 61.2% - Yes, there is more talent on Alabama’s roster and they are better coached 23.7% - No, the worst swimmer on the worst NFL team is probably better than most starters on any college team 11.7% - I didn’t know the Bears played football, too 3.4% - Undecided Bears Fan Uses Bye Week to Shoot Himself in Penis at Hot Dog Stand The suspect attempted to flee, but the pain from the gunshot wound was too severe for him to continue running CHIGAGO–There are no wieners in this story. Dripping with irony, and with blood from his turnip, a man is in the hospital after he reportedly shot himself in the penis while robbing a hot dog cart vendor in Chicago Sunday afternoon. The Chicago Sun-Tribune reports that police found a 39-year-old man going by the name of “Kasten Ootcher” slumped over in a parking garage across the street from the corner kiosk that he allegedly held up at gunpoint. Ootcher reportedly walked up to the vendor and held a gun to his head demanding cash. As the suspect began to flee with his ill-gotten bootie, he shifted the gun on his waistband and apparently pulled the trigger, shooting himself. Police were able to use surveillance cameras to positively identify Ootcher. His blood-stained boxers and Chicago Bears “dad” cap matched the ones seen in the footage. Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground Headline: Bucky wins and goes to 9-0 on the season, drops 2 spots in the AP ranking. Barry is none too pleased. We are frankly not going to get so worked up about this nonsense. While we at BU feel that the college football playoffs should involve no voting like a gymnastics meet, this flawed system will probably work OK this year. If Wisconsin takes care of business the next 3 weeks, they will be 12-0. If they win in Indy, they should be in the playoffs. If they lose any of these 4 games, all bets are off and they probably will go back to the Cotton Bowl. Our recap of Saturday’s game against the Hosers is that Bucky played a more complete game than usual. Wisconsin finally hung some style points on a lesser opponent. Most of the points; however, were set up by the defense causing turnovers. A red zone defensive stop prevented the good guys from having to dig out of a 14-0 hole. Another first half, another Hornibrook interception, another sloppy performance by the offensive line, another highlight reel Jonathon Taylor run called back by a holding penalty. Though this game featured another Taylor fumble, it did not result in a turnover. Offense, defense, and special teams played relatively error free football although it seemed like about 50 yards of Taylor’s rushing gains were called back for holding. We lost our emerging star WR Cephus for the rest of the season to a leg injury. It will be time for the rest of the receiving corps to step up. DDIII, Pryor, and Taylor look like they have it in them to do just that and Fumigalli and Neusome will be solid. The problem with young wide receivers is that they often disappear in big games, particularly if they get laid out once or twice by good DB’s like the ones who will be wearing black & gold this Saturday. They are not likely to see wide open green spaces against Iowa’s secondary. Looking ahead to next week, CRIPES! This could be a real game for once! The Bumble Bees of Iowa absolutely crushed the Buckeyes and are now ranked. On again, off again QB Nathan Stanley from Menomonie, WI was “on” with 5 TD passes. Mirror image Barrett of tOSU had 4 picks. The Hawkeyes beat Iowa State and Ohio State and shoulda beat Penn State. We need to be on our game even though Iowa does not travel well. We cannot afford to step on toes and other nonsense like the last time they came to Camp Randall. This game will be a doozy. If we have a decent game plan and play error free we should win going away. Wisconsin has played to the level of their competition this season, often times going vanilla on both offense & defense. Anticipating greater resistance from BYU, that game stands out as their cleanest of the year. Though Wisconsin was favored by only 9 points vs. Indiana, they are favored by 12.5 against Iowa. This favorable spread comes despite the loss of Cephus, the loss of LB Orr and the >50% chance that they will be without leading tackler D’Cota Dixon. The dropoff from Orr & Dixon is significant. Though you wouldn’t think so from the scoreboard, Wisconsin does have a diverse offense that can put up points when they are not in self-destruct mode. Good OL, good RB, good TE, WRs who can get separation and a QB who has his moments. Wisconsin has come out running the ball in most games. Look for Chryst to break boring tendencies, except during the postgame interview. Iowa will force Hornibrook and the receivers to beat them. Iowa LB Josey Jewell will remind you of Jack Cichy. Look for him to get his 11 tackles, preferably 15 yards downfield chasing Taylor from behind. Their DE’s could present problems for Wisconsin’s undisciplined OL and QB who is lacking in pocket skills. BU staff likes the matchup between Wisconsin’s defensive line and Iowa’s offensive line. Due to injury, Iowa went through a rough period breaking in two freshman tackles against opponents who didn’t get much respect a few weeks ago, but now reside in the top 25. Against Ohio State’s aggressive pass rush, Iowa’s immobile QB stayed on his feet and shredded the Bucknuts’ secondary. With Wisconsin lacking edge rushers, the tackles likely will not be tested. Bank on this though—Iowa will not run the ball like they want to on Wisconsin. The Badgers defensive line is intact for the first time since the BYU game. Obasihi came back last week and Loudermilk is back this week. With Orr and Dixon in the lineup, there is no doubt that Bucky could handle Iowa’s tight ends. Their starting LB’s cover well, TJ Edwards in particular. The BU staff thinks we will be ok, but this is a matchup to watch. Losing Dixon against IL or IN doesn’t jump out at you, but this guy is all over the field and is a hard hitter who you want playing all snaps in big games. Look for WI to dial up blitzes and stunts that have been kept under wraps for most of this season. Look for a trick play such as a fake punt. We’re glad Iowa blew out Ohio State. Iowa will not be sneaking up on the Badgers as a result. Look for Wisconsin to prevail 27-21 and befuddle the idiot pundits on ESPN. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game The primary reason that we will beat the Bears on Sunday is that they are, of course, The Bears, and the Bears still suck (even worse than the Packers). Actually, they are playing much better than we are on Defense and rookie Mitchell Turdbiscut is playing a little bit better than Chet Huntely. So let’s say statistically, and considering Capers hasn't been fired yet (yet), there is an overall slight advantage for da Bears. But, wait a minute, they are the Bears! Of course we’ll beat them…although they do have an almost 15 point advantage in the all-important "differential" over the last 3 games. Alas, it will be two shitty teams duking it out, and the team that shits itself the least will win. Let’s face it, this game is gonna be about as enjoyable as spending an afternoon with a lame-ass group of couples who happen to also include two chicks that you banged in college, but neither one of them knew about the other, and each thinks your carnal knowledge about her is “your little secret.” Meanwhile, their husbands, who aren’t aware that you tapped their wives, are bragging behind their back about how awesome their trophy wives are in the sack – but you snicker in silence. And every now and again at the get-together, each broad gently wipes against you as she walks by to hand her hubby another beer, or grabs your arm and smiles into your eyes to remind you of your “shared” secret whenever someone tells a funny joke that everybody laughs at. Yeah, it’s gonna suck. But I digress… No matter what happens we still have the memories of domination over the Bears for the last 25 years, and no bolted-together collar bone can take that away. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them [OWING TO DA WRITER’S BLOCK OF A DISTRAUGHT COACH FOLLOWING DA LOSS AT LAMBEAU ON MONDAY, MRS. COACH WAS KIND ENUF TO AUTHOR DIS WEEK’S JB ARTICLE FER DA FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS OF The Show!!!, LET ME KNOW IF YOOCE LIKE HER STUFF AND MAYBE I’LZE LET ’ER WRITE FER YOOCE GIZE AGIN IN DA FUTURE, HEY…] Hi fellas, Mrs. Coach here reporting for duty! I'm going to whisk you back to reminisce about a great time in Green Bay... Back when I was just starting to blossom as a young woman, Mike Hunt was already pretty popular around these parts. Being one of the best physical specimens in town, Mike Hunt’s reputation (with famous bushy blonde hair) made every young aspiring football player in Green Bay jealous – everyone wanted a piece of Mike Hunt. But there’s a lot more to Mike Hunt than most guys around here realize. Born and raised modestly in Kuter, Minnesota, Mike’s father worked early mornings at the only bakery in town. A star in high school with many connections amongst the football insiders, Mike Hunt’s talents earned a fully paid college education as an Oregon State Beaver (Click on Link). …oh yeah, and nothing got around more in the Oregon State football locker room than Mike Hunt’s legendary Kuter pie! (It was so good they still whisper about in the halls there today.) Although widely regarded as ubiquitous with the guys at school, on occasion many could see Mike Hunt and Gloria Stitts together out in public – what a pair, those two … especially after a heavy night of drinking! -- but, hey, that’s college life – am I right? Ha ha! Mike Hunt was first drafted professionally in 1978 by the Green Bay Packers. Mike Hunt? Packers? It just made sense. Part of the feared “Green Cheese” line backing corps, Mike Hunt paired up on the inside with Mike Litorous, was flanked on the outside by Drew Peacock and Harry Balzac, and was occasionally relieved by Conny Lingus or Duncan Akokanit. These characters were usually hanging around together away from the game, too, and often the subject of lighter-side news articles. I particularly recall during training camp in 1979 when they rode their motorcycles onto a dock in Algoma and accidentally collided with a moored charter boat – Mike Hunt stunk like fish for 5 days! His best game was arguably the season opener of his 3rd (and final) year in the league, Labor Day weekend in 1980. It coincidentally was also the first day that Lambeau Field unveiled the “Jumbotron” video board high above the north end zone, so everybody in the stadium saw Mike Hunt up close and personal that day – over and over again. On a more serious note, though, as a result of showing up for the team every game as a rookie -- Mike Hunt really took a pounding...some say to a point beyond recognition, and was only able to muster 3 performances the following year due to pesky soft tissue bruising. Similarly, on September 21, 1980, hammered continuously by Rams that entire Sunday afternoon, Mike Hunt wore down and took a particularly severe head shot. This proved to be the final professional performance for this week’s legend of Packers lore. Some say a short career isn’t worth noting (they just want to stick it to Mike Hunt). …But, still active around town today, and (okay perhaps a little tougher to look at and perhaps there’s some dust on the cap) Mike Hunt is still as great as ’78 as far as I’m concerned … and would not shy away from a good licking!
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9/6/2023 12:14:01 am
In Charlotte, North Carolina, you are required to be 25 to hire a car without penalty. Drivers aged between 21 and 25 who hold a full driving licence may still be able to hire a car however will likely need to pay a surcharge.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
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