Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …I feel sorry for the horse. Metaphorically speaking, Cowboys fans are the horse holding up the peculiar duo of the Dallas NFL franchise’s faces (neither of whom are actually from Texas), Jerry Jones and Mike McCarthy. Cowboys fans are very different from regular NFL fans, or from regular Texans for that matter, because they are blind to reality. No matter how much their team sucks, they still believe the Cowboys should receive accolades of a top tier NFL football team. They are the Notre Dame of professional football (ranked #6 before the season started, now at #20). At least Bears and Lions fans know when to hide from sunlight for decades on end. It’s been over a quarter century since the last time the Cowboys were in the Super Bowl. Still, they dole out approximately $10,000 per seat license fee (just for the right to buy season tickets), and pay an average ticket price of $726 which is the League high before secondary market scalping (Raiders tickets go for the highest price on the secondary market, followed by the Bucs, Broncos, Pats, and Packers – note that Dallas does not even make the top 5 in secondary market prices, because they do not bring in many visitors to that “glorious” stadium we hear so much about). “So what about it, Coach, I mean … what’s your point?” My point is that Dallas Cowboys fans are pathetic. And, like most pathetic groups of people, they need self-affirmation to make them feel better about themselves when in reality there isn’t reason to; the classic tactics include putting others down (see also, Skip Bayless), or constantly trying to convince others of their greatness (“Let’s call ourselves ‘America’s Team’ because then people will have to be on our side or they’re un-American!”). Although Jerry Jones thankfully does not do the former, he is infamously preoccupied with the latter. Which leads me to my final thought on the matter… Mike McCarthy must not be a Cowboys fan. Despite the pressures of being Jones’ right-hand-man, and being on the proverbial chopping block with Sean Payton looming in the “ready for fire” on-deck circle, McCarthy carries himself with a gentlemanly class, avoiding any opportunity to denigrate others. Nor does he crave the camera eye, speaking practiced lines meant to impress NFL minions as if he is some sort of football sage. Nope, he’s pretty much the same guy that grew up in Pittsburgh, had a decent run in Green Bay, kept his head up when failing to evolve with NFL whippersnappers, and now is treading water in Dallas. … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Hold on to your tookess … we are now the worst ranked Team in the NFL, according to at least one guy on the Interweb. We scored 9 points against the 32nd ranked Defense. Coach, what happened? Jimmy, let’s start with what Coach predicted last week (go back and check, it’s only a dozen thumb scrolls down from here) Mason Crosby is gonna have another field goal palooza in Detroit on Sunday. Packers 22 (5 FG & a TD) Spartans 17 Coach was off by two points. You know, Jimmy, if we had a qualified NFL Head Coach, you know, one who made decisions during the game, we would have scored exactly 22 points … to the Lions 15. 22 points … let Coach count the waze … oh yeah, it’s simple … you’ve been struggling on offense and you’re playing the worst Defense in the NFL … and you pass up easy scoring chances for FG’s because you want to make a point. To the drive chart … The point is not only that Coach is very smart, but the point is also that we could all see the game from a hundred miles away. On the road? Tough season? Need a win? Take the f’ng points. Yes, you made a point Fraudgers. You said you wanted to pass the ball and you did. You made bad pass after bad pass… … none worse than this underthrow of Toure that would have been a certain TD. Is Erin washed up? Maybe. Is the thumb hurting more than she lets on? Probably. But the objective in not to pass the ball, the objective is to win the game. The game can be summarized on one play, one play that it is the metaphor for the game, one play that is the metaphor for the entire season and the same play that is a summary of what’s always been wrong with the Rodgers-led-Packers. Aside from the stupidity of throwing to your best buddy and BFF, an injured tackle, rather than hand it off or pass to an actual receiver on 4th & Goal from the 7” line … you pass off your back foot while falling down and literally underthrow a 7 inch pass by 10 yards. The hell of it is, the D and Special Teams played well enough to win this game. Coach is going to totally skip stats this week, because they don’t tell you a damn thing about the game, all you need to know is: Coach’s key insight: “There is no in ‘I’ in ‘Team’” Wayyyt, whhaatt? The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say ‘I’. And that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say ‘I’. They don’t think ‘I’. They think ‘we’; they think ‘team’. They understand their job to be to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but ‘we’ gets the credit…. This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done. - Peter Drucker Coach counted 241 uses of the word “I” and 3 uses of the word “we” by Erin Fraudgers in his post-game comments. It’s obvious that the self-absorbed, petulant, asshole is turning off his teammates by his use of the first person singular to explain the actions of 11 men on the field who are trying to work as a team. “I have to throw the ball to win” Coach: No. Erin, to win you must not turn over the ball” You only need to see Fraudger’s reaction on the field to see his true character revealed … he is not solving the problems of this team, he is the problem. … even pop-culture icon Lil Wayne thinks Erin Fraudgers is the problem … Coach, but really, what is going on? Jimmy, honestly Coach is getting tired of explaining this. Just scroll down to the Redskins Game summary … ooopps, can’t say Redskins … scroll down to the Washington Custodians game summary and look for the graphic below … it explains it all. The problem is that Fraudgers is now running the team, and he can control everyone, except himself. Recently Erin Fraudgers said: “Guys who are making too many mistakes shouldn’t be playing. Gotta start cutting some reps." Coach totally agrees with Fraudgers on this point … Fraudgers needs to get fewer reps. So what about the guy listed as Head Coach? Jimmy? Did you ever wonder what Petite Fleur means? Jimmy, c'est l'heure d'un petit cours de français… “If our coach wasn’t such a Petite Fleur, he would grow a pair and bench the self-absorbed, petulant, asshole that is playing QB until he pulled his head out of his rectum.” Good Jimmy, you’re doing great, you’ll be speaking fluent French in no time. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Troy Aikman’s Era LOS ANGELES—Declaring that fans would “never again” see a comparable player or prices, Skip Bayless reminded viewers Monday that gas never hit $5 per gallon during the Troy Aikman era. “When Aikman captured his first title, you could fill up your entire car for $19—I’m talking the entire tank for under 20 bucks,” said Bayless, who scoffed at co-host Shannon Sharpe’s assertion that he was completely overlooking the 1990 oil crisis that caused widespread sticker shock at the pumps following the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. “$1.06 in 1998. Can you believe that? Back when Aikman was the most dominant quarterback in the NFL, you could afford to fill up your entire tank of gas, and grab a snack for the road. Face the facts!” At press time, Bayless added he wouldn’t even consider placing Aaron Rodgers in his top five of all time considering the rising price of meat. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Da Bears lost again, this time at home to the Dolphins. I mean, how can you be worse than the Packers this year? Even their really intimidating blowup bear thingy popped. Somehow, they just find a way… the Bears still suck. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Heartland Trophy at Stake After a decisive shellacking of another opponent with a deceptively good record last Saturday, Bucky takes on the ascendant Iowa Hawkeyes this week. Sure, they have super sucky offensive stats this year, 111th out of 131 teams at 18.5 points per game. The OL has been quite the turnstile, averaging 3 sacks a game and a high volume of hurries. Herbig and Benton are licking their chops. Too bad this is Bucky’s weakest pass rush in years. Hawkeye play calling has been even less creative than the wafer-thin playbook predictable down & distance patterns that led to Paul Chryst’s ouster. Like Wisconsin, the Hogeyes had a couple of feelgood games against Purdon’t and the Mildcats the last two weeks as fans were threatening mutiny. Somewhat scary RB Kaleb Johnson had 200 yards rushing last week, but don’t lose sleep over that. One-dimensional offenses with an inability to pass the ball are the easiest to shut down for any defense with a pulse. Iowa will be disproportionately targeting the tight ends. Please cover them, as we have left them running free over the middle of the field the last several times we have played them. With two key starters in our secondary now back and making a difference, we like our chances of snuffing out any hint of an Iowa passing attack and stuffing their run. Maybe we will pick up some coverage sacks and better yet, turnovers. By comparison, the Badgers average of 29.9 points per game, giving us an 11.4 point advantage on O. Despite last week’s gale force winds, intermittent rain and foolish multiple attempts to heave 50/50 balls deep into the wind/rain to receivers who had no interest fighting for the ball, Mertz ranks 16th in the country in yards/attempt--one of the best passing efficiency metrics. Even crazier, he's 8th in yards/completion. He excels at throwing to receivers who are open and does also throw good passes into tight spaces that subsequently get dropped. Too bad his stats don’t reflect even more how well he has played this season. Don’t expect much separation vs. Iowa’s secondary and our weak-handed receivers will lose every 60/40 battle for the ball. Our OL is as intact as it has been all year. Saturday would be a good time for taking the next step in their progression. Two areas of concern on offense are continued pre-snap penalties vs. Iowa’s much higher level of penalty discipline and the health of Braelon Allen. Allen has been running out of bounds and avoiding contact since early in the conference season. Over the last 3 games plus, he has exited with a stinger or other shoulder injury. Following a bye week of recovery, he reinjured the shoulder last week and returned to the game only to tweak it again while going down gently out of bounds. He does not show up in the injury report, but don’t be surprised if he is a late scratch or fails to finish the season. He ain’t right and will not be initiating collisions with Iowa defenders. On D, Iowa is physical and disciplined. They are 6th nationally at 14.3 points allowed per game. Expect a grinder with both passing attacks being limited. Bucky is allowing 23.1 points per game for 51st, yielding a 9.8-point advantage for the Hogeyes. The averages only partially reflect the improvement in Bucky’s secondary the last two weeks. The reality is that both defenses are comparable. On special teams, Iowa has a crazy good punter. He’s like some modern day Pat O’Day, also from Australia. He has an uncanny ability to place the ball inside the 20 with 23 of his 55 punts landing there. It’s a bit of a wash, as our punter is also really good too and would probably win the arm-wrestling contest. And now, a word from our sponsor. Whew! OK, we’re back. Here at BU, we are not sure if coach’s astute analysis holds, but we will give it a try. This intensive analysis plus 2 points for home field gives a razor thin 0.4 points for the other side. Bah! BU says turnovers will determine the winner of this game. Look for Bucky to come out on top, 20-17. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game What (you may ask) does Roman Economic Policy have to do with the Packers? Absolutely nothing. The point is that now that “we” have been mathematically made the punch line of NFL jokes, you have more time to read National Geographic than at any point you since 1991, courtesy of Petite Fleur and his boss, Erin Fraudgers. Aside from how you feel about the performance on the field, this puts the financial viability and future of the franchise in danger. Coach, isn’t that a bit of hyperbole? What do you mean it puts the franchise in danger? Jimmy, look at all dat real estate over to da West a Lambeau. Over dare where da Shopko and Red Lobster whaz. Youse tink anybody gonna buy up dem milon dollar condiments when we’ze 5-12? Youse tink dare aint no debt dare? Hold on ta yer deer tag, the exit wind from all dose private jets getting’ da hell outta here is gonna be really strong. If we don’t stay at the top of the NFL, all that accumulated debt is gonna sink the franchise. That’s right, Murphy the financial genius, better have a pretty gol darn good plan to cover the debt on all a dem empty condo’s where the tumble weeds are starting to grow now … On to this week, how will we beat the Cowgirls? Well, we won’t if we only go by statistics. They have a better ranked Offense, a better ranked Defense, a better ranked Special Teams and have the 4th ranked point differential to our 25th ranking. Even giving us two points for playing at home, the margin should be something like an 8-point Cowgirls win. But why then is Vegas only giving us 4 ½ points? 3) Even with all our injuries, we have a better roster, if we can only get out of our own way. 2) We have won 8 out of the 10 games we’ve played against the Cowgirls in the Fraudgers era. 1) They have Melissa McCarthy Because Coach is contractually required to predict a win: Packers 16 Cowgirls 15 Coach recommends putting duct tape on the kids’ college account piggy bank … JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Well congrats to former Packers center, Jeff Saturday, who on Monday was named interim head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. Saturday spent his final season as an NFL player in Green Bay. Though Saturday was elected to the Pro Bowl by fans, he was not the best version of himself in 2012 and appeared to have lost a bit of his physical ability. He was replaced at center by Evan Dietrich-Smith late in the season. Fortunately, Saturday will not be remembered for that, but instead for his spectacular seasons in Indianapolis. Saturday had an illustrious 13-year stint as the Colts center, getting his nuts smashed by the top surface of Peyton Manning’s right hand. Manning eventually went exclusively into the Omaha shotgun formation – purportedly meant to enable a quick audible into the hurry-up offense, but ultimately it ended up extending Saturday’s career. Jeff made the Pro Bowl six times and won one Super Bowl with the Indianapolis Colts … and now he’s their head coach.
...Which got Coach to thinking, “What other former Packers players were also NFL head coaches?” Can you name the other five? Ok, 1st, the easy ones … Curly Lambeau, Bart Starr, and Forrest Gregg, duh. Now, another player from the Lombardi era, Jim Ringo! He had a less than stellar stint with Buffalo in 1977 (he went 3-11 and got fired, see also 2022 Green Bay Packers former head coach Matt LaFleur). And finally, hiding in plain sight, Doug Pederson! He won a Super Bowl as Favre’s backup, another ring as the Eagle head coach, and now he is turning around a pesky Jacksonville Jaguars team. So, yeah, congrats to Jeff Saturday (and Doug Pederson).
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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