Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: The Six Million Dollar Man was probably the greatest TV show ever... Steve Austin, a man barley alive… Every woman wanted him. Every boy wanted to grow up to be him. Every man was jealous of him. …Faster than a car, could jump over buildings, strong as a robot, and telescopic vision (with authentic “dah-dah-dah-dah-dah” sound effects)… not to mention whatever else the NASA scientists re-tooled on this handsome spacecraft test pilot crash victim! That was pure awesome. A while back, Coach opined on the brilliance of the talking-car show, Knight Rider, but – in hind sight (in this age of wussyism, and woke propagation of the imaginary societal pestilence known as toxic masculinity), The Six Million Dollar Man was probably the coolest TV show ever. It taught America what a man should be: faster, stronger, good looking, and a chivalrous crime fighter – with a Texas accent to boot. Can’t top that. …unless of course you have a hot broad spin-off! Enter … The Bionic Woman. Could life get any better? Not hardly. Everybody loved super-hot, bionically-enhanced ass-kicker Jaime Sommers since the time she was first introduced to the audience in that famously unforgettable original two-part episode of The Six Million Dollar Man. Sommers, a fictional Green Bay native turned tennis pro, becomes critically injured during a skydiving accident. Her life is saved by NASA doctors using cybernetic surgical implants. Yep, I know what you’re thinking. The sexist executives at ABC in the year of America’s bicentennial surely new what the hell they were doing, and it was pure genius. The real mastermind behind it all, though, was Lee Majors, who requested that Steve Austin get a girlfriend, bionic or otherwise… and there was some very early talk of having Farrah Fawcett (who Majors was tapping) play the part, right around the time she was cast in Charlie’s Angels. Fawcett would then end up conveniently making a few guest appearances on The Six Million Dollar Man as Austin’s non-bionic love interest, but when Lindsay Wagner came into the picture as a sex machine (literally), the casting director didn’t have to look any further. Thank you, ABC. So what does this all have to do with the Packers? Well, who TF knows, but it’s been well over 40 years since the Six Million Dollar Man aired and you read this whole spiel which more or less substantiates my point that it was probably the greatest television show ever. …at least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme We kicked der ass, Norm!! 41-25!! It’s been quite a Season for Coach’s predictions. Remember the Detroit game back in Wk 2? Coach said: And guess what? After a Thanksgiving 41-25 loss to the Texans, Coach Patty is out on the street. (OK, so Coach was off by 2 games.) And… Last week Coach said: We’ve played more games against each other than any two franchises and Sunday Night will be the 201st meeting. The Packers lead the series 99-95-6 and with a Packers win the Bears will join the Lions as franchises that the Packers have beaten 100 times Last week Coach Said: About the only question for Sunday night is, “Who’s going to play QB for the Bears?” Really, Coach is not kidding. As of this writing, it looks like Turdbisquit, aka “Jay-Junior”, will get the start. Look for him to run a lot, and when he does throw, look for him to throw a couple of picks. Last week Coach Said: LaFleur doesn’t get it, hating the Bears is part of our tradition, part of our DNA. The Packers are the Fans’ team, not LaFleur’s and despising the Bears is part of our culture. Petite LaFleur may not appreciate the rivalry, but Coach is damn glad that the players get it… …it’s not exactly back to the 80’s with Gregg and Ditka coaching, but the plays above and below give Coach hope for the future! Leading 13-3, 4th & 2 at the CHI28, LaFleur got aggressive and went for it…and so did Bobby Tonyan, throwing down Bears LB Danny Trevathan. Coach wishes he hit him harder, Trevathan is the asshole that gave Davante a concussion on a cheap shot on TNF, Sept 28th, 2017. It was a big night all the way around: The blowout was official at the end of the 3rd Quarter with the Pack leading 41-10 and several other milestones were achieved: Aaron Rodgers: 50,000 yds passing Davante Adams: 500 catches Marcedes Lewis: 400 catches Offense Rodgers was an absolute surgeon on the night, and we could go through that in detail, but you’ve already read about his night with 4 TDs and a 132.3 passer-rating. You already know that he’s leading the NFL this Season with 33 TD’s and a passer rating of 117.6. Instead, Coach is going to focus on a couple minor plays to make the point that the Offense is very deep, has the right guys, and has the right attitude to win the Super Bowl. Earlier in the game Center Corey Linsley went out with a knee injury and rookie 6th Rnd pick John Runyan came in to play LG when Elgton Jenkins slid over to play Center. Once again, the O-Line seamlessly accommodated a major change. Even more importantly, what really impressed Coach was the way Runyan (#76) reacted after Jamaal Williams scored the 6th TD of the night. The whole Offense went to mug and showboat for the camera after the TD. Runyan joined his teammates but deferred to the vets and modestly stood to the side, signaling the TD with his index fingers. His humble approach, reflecting his rookie status, while also clearly showing “the NFL-stage is not too big for me” is just really impressive. He looks like another outstanding Packers find at OL. (What is it about Wisconsin, both the Pack & the UW, we just always have good O-Lineman?) On 3rd and 10, on the same drive referenced above, Equanimeous St. Brown (or ESB - Extra Special Bitter) showed his speed, LaFleur’s Offensive creativity and AR’s ability to hit him in stride. Picking up the 1st down with 5:18 left in the 3rd Qtr was arguably the dagger in the Bears. Already up 34-10, this 1st down kept the drive alive to get to 41 points and kept the clock running. What really impresses Coach is that he is now relaxed enough to have some fun during the game. It’s just hilarious that he sits on the Bears bench and alertly signals 1st Down! ESB’s was the Pack’s pick No. 207 in the 2018 Draft and went on to play in 12 games but hurt his ankle and spent the entire 2019 season on injured reserve. Of his 21 receptions in 2020, 13 picked up first downs and 12 were for 15-plus yards. If he continues to improve, he will be a real force in the Post Season. On the run above he pulls from his right wingback position to lead Jamaal through the hole for the TD. He doesn’t actually hit anybody, because there is no one there to hit! (MVS, #83, is there too and he actually blocks!) Last but not least, let’s look at Jamaal Williams… Unfortunately, with the SIS Turf field that the Packers installed in 2018 there will never be a mud game again. None-the-less, Jamaal Williams ran really hard all game (17 carries, 73 yards and the 12 yd run for a 1st down above), looking much like Edgar Bennet used to look in late-season games. It looks like Jamaal is a genuine mudder, which is exactly what we need in the cold and snow of January at Lambeau. The Bears came into the game with what was supposedly one of the best defenses in the NFL. Is that really true? It didn’t seem like much of a test. Anyway, after playing the “tough D” of the Bears we improved our ranking to become the No.1 Scoring Offense in the NFL at 31.7 pts/gm. (KC No. 2 at 31.6 pts/gm and Seattle No. 3 at 31.0 pts/gm.) Defense? Yes, we do need it, even if we don’t have it … Poutine’s D is designed to get turnovers when the other team is passing because they are down by two scores and they have a shitty QB (so check “yes” for Q1 and “yes” for Q2). In their best turnover game of the year, the D got three! Turnover 1 Turnover 2 Turnover 3 “Shudda Been” Turnover 4 As good as it feels beating the crap out of the Bears, it’s hard to feel confident that we beat anything but a really shitty team. Does it feel like we were playing a good team when their Defense stopped trying during the 3rd Qtr. (shockingly, even Tony Dungy said this out loud during the broadcast)? No. Does it feel like we were playing a good team when they put a guy like Turdbisquit out to play quarterback? No. Does it feel like we were playing a good team when they were down 41-17 and actually let the 3rd Qtr. clock run out when they could have run a play? No. Frankly they are a sub-standard team, with a sub-standard coach. The good news (if you want to call it that), is that we now have the No. 19 Defense, giving up 25.7 pts/gm. But we don’t really look good on D, do we? We don’t pass the eye-test on D. ...Why is that? Probably because we give up a lot of yards and 1st downs in between takeaways. Even worse, if you look at “Opponents Pts/Play” you see that we are ranked 26th. Ok Coach, what the hell does that mean? Well, Jimmy, it means that for every play the other team runs, the other guys get a little more than 4/10ths of a point. The 26th ranking means that on any given play, 25 other teams are better at stopping the opposing team from scoring. It absolutely drives Coach nuts when he hears D-Coordinator Poutine brag in his interviews about how much they’ve improved at limiting “explosive” plays, but the numbers above (a.k.a. “facts”) suggest he is completely full of merde. But hang on Coach (and watch your mouth!) -- you just said we are 19th on Scoring D, right? That’s right, Jimmy, because the best Defensive tool we have is Rodgers & LaFleur. Not because of anything significant that the Defense brings to the table. We are No.1 in Time-of-Possession and we don’t let the other team have the ball. The only way we can keep the other team from scoring is to keep their Offense on the bench…because our Defense really, really sucks. Any and all objective assessments confirm that. Poutine / Kirksey Defense We have gone chapter and verse through all the mistakes that we make game-in-and-game-out on D, and this Bears game was one of the worst. For the week, our T-O-P was the best in the NFL 37:44. At the same time our 0.603 pts/play was almost the worst (No. 30 for the week). Why was Rodgers playing in the 4th Qtr.? Because LaFleur could not trust the Defense to hold a 41-10 lead for one Qtr!!!! In the post-game press conference LaFleur was asked about the 4th-Qtr and he said: “I think it’s just putting together a complete game. Certainly when you have a team down 41-10, you’d like to shut the door on them. And I know they had two 4th-Qtr scores…” He never finished the thought because he was obviously pissed-off about the “Prevent-Nothing” Defense. Coach was thinking that we could do an overview of the mistakes made by the Poutine/Kirksey combo, but we don’t have enough space in this column to review all 65 plays the Bears ran. So we’ll just highlight a few and you’ll get the idea. Example 1 – Kirksey Can’t Tackle Kirksey has been put in the “Blake Martinez” position this year. Recall that Martinez obliquely said that he was forced to play clean-up by Poutine. Now playing with the Giants, Martinez is one of the top-rated ILB’s by Pro Football Focus and Kirksey is one of the worst. Suffice to say we could fill this article with mistakes by Kirksey, but Martinez’ improvement with the NYG also points a finger at Poutine. Let’s move on to the three Bear’s TD’s. Example 2 – Kirksey Can’t Count At the end of the 2nd Qtr., with 1st & Goal on the 1, we are lined up in a Nickel formation (“flat 5” on the Goal Line, 2 OLB, 3 DL) with Kirksey as the only LB behind the line --- this is a play call issue on Poutine. Kirksey has to respect the play-action fake to Montgomery which leaves Adrian Amos & Jaire Alexander as the “two-guys-to-cover-three-guys” … and the math doesn’t work. The slot receiver, Montgomery, is passed-off by Amos and eventually Kirksey shows up in time to watch the TD. Nice work fellas. Oh, BTW, we have plenty of guys covering the side of the field where there is no play. Kirksey is the one making the Defensive play call and obviously he does not recognize the “two-guys-covering-three-guys” issue before the snap. Example 3 – Kirksey Doesn’t Know Who to Cover Take a close look at Kirksey (#58, in the middle) and Darnel Savage (#26, lined-up to Kirksey’s left, on the hash-mark) before the snap. They are playing Zone in the middle and when Savage releases Robinson to Kirksey in the middle he points at Robinson to alert/remind Kirksey. After the Bears scored, Savage ran up to Kirksey and ripped a new one for blowing the coverage. Hmmm, seems like a trend here, Kirksey doesn’t seem to understand the Defensive scheme, yet he is the one calling it on the field. Example 4 – Kirksey Doesn’t Know How to Cover The good news is that this time Kirksey knows who to cover, he just doesn’t know how to do it… …the idea in pass coverage is to shadow your guy, but Kirksey comes in at a bad angle and has no choice but hold Kmet. So instead of 4th & Goal, now it’s 1st & Goal. Can you guess what happens next kids? Example 5 – Kirksey Goes AWOL – Can he count? This falls in the you’ve-gotta-be-frickin’-kidding-me category. Coach supposes it doesn’t matter; they would have scored eventually. The action on this one is all pre-snap… …look at both Jaire Alexander (#23, partially obscured by the camera) and Will Redmond (#25). Before the snap they are both motioning to Kirksey to come help them…there are four Bears, three in blocking formation with Montgomery behind them, and three Packer DB’s. Bears Coach Nagy was overheard saying “hey, we got’em with the 3-guys-on-2 last time, let’s try 4-guys-on-3 this time. Kirksey figures out what is happening, around the time that Montgomery is walking into the endzone. Kids, in many sports this is called a “miss-match”. In this blog we call it “poor-situational-awareness” and on occasion Coach will refer to this as “just-f’ng-stupid.” How-oh-how can this go on week after week? LaFleur appears to be at least “not-stupid,” why has he not fired Pettine (or cleverly "promoted" him into a consultant role, or at least promoted a more intelligent defensive position coach in to being the "Co-Defensive Coordinator")? Admittedly, this is very hard to understand. No matter what you, the loyal reader is thinking, Coach refuses to propagate the numerous unsubstantiated and unconfirmed rumors that Poutine has kept his job because he has pictures of Mark Murphy in a Grecko-Roman leg lock with an oiled-up, nude Rob Demovsky sporting an AJ Dillon mask at a transvestite party. Hey, a LOT of guys look like Mark Murphy. Poutine has regularly stated that the air-attack is the way to the Super Bowl. Here’s hoping that he follows his own beliefs. So Coach, what does that mean going forward for the Defense? Jimmy, I really wish I knew. The good news is the Krys Barnes got over the COVID, so now we have two decent Inside-Line-Backers, Barnes and Kamaal Martin. Kirksey should not ever be allowed on the field again, but alas, you know that won’t happen. Unfortunately, we have a dip-stick for a Defensive Coordinator and it’s unlikely we will improve defensively this year. We have put a ton of resources into the D, and while we may not have “Top-3” talent, we do have at least 6 starters on D that are Grade A or Grade B … more than enough to field a Top-10 Defense. Fire Pettine. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Man Lying On Couch Covered In Thin Layer Of Cheeto Dust Refers To Favorite Sports Team As 'We' Wrightstown, WI—Local man Don Cornahan always refers to his favorite sports team, the Green Bay Packers, in the first-person plural, though the team’s players are exerting themselves and playing really hard while he himself is lying on a couch, covered in a thin layer of Cheeto dust. "We really have to get the Kirksey out of there, or it's going to be a quick exit from the playoffs," he said while watching the Packers defense give up multiple scores late Sunday night to the offensively inept Chicago Bears. "Our receivers are killing us, too" he said, shaking his head while referring to the previous week’s game against the Colts. "We've got to do better!" "We kept some of the guys that we drafted in previous years, but they just haven't panned out like we hoped they would," he added, head in his hands, fingers smearing a fresh line of orange dust across his forehead. "We're working with what we got, but honestly, unless we make some big moves, we're gonna be up a creek without a paddle." Sadly, the Packers have never heard of him. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof ‘Stafford To Bears!’ Says Chicago Fan Citing Twitter Account That Mostly Retweets Porn Arlington Heights, IL—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star quarterback, local Chicago fan Jaden Greene posted “Stafford to Bears!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Matthew Stafford under center, and we didn’t even have to give up Kahlil Mack!” posted Greene, who excitedly added his commentary above a single tweet from an account whose previous 15 posts had been direct replies to porn stars and whose photo is just a close-up of an ass in a string thong. “Sucks that we had to give up a pair of second rounders, but probably worth the risk. This is huge. It looks like we got OBJ, too! With this roster, the Bears are gonna be champions for sure.” At press time, Greene had taken advantage of another tweet from the same account and signed up for 25% off Sinful_Delicious6969’s OnlyFans. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Lee Corso Odds On Fave to Don The Bucky Head This Saturday Well, who thought (other than former Hoosier coach Lee Corso) that the big game of the season for Bucky would be against Indiana? Lee clearly does not have any clout in deciding where College Game Day should be held, since it will be in Conway, South Carolina between the perennial powerhouses, #18 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers and the Liberty Flamers. They have COVID cancellation concerns, so we at BU suppose Madison is the backup. For the inquiring, a Chanticleer comes from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. WTF. Look it up if you want to know more (we do not). A lame name like that should be limited to a basketball-only mascot. …in the WNBA. We don’t see anything wrong or suggestive with the Flamers mascot. Anyway, the season is in shambles due to the Jina Virus and 3 cancelled games. That, and another zebra hosing in Evanston. Look that up, too. Things boil down to our young and promising squad to rack up some moral victories against the #12 Hosers and the #19 Bumble Bees. That being said, Bucky once again looks good on paper against Indiana. Even ESPN has Bucky at a 84% chance of victory. Why the positivity? Last week against Maryland, the “star” Hoser QB Penix stunk up the place before getting hurt. Penix is being pulled out of Saturday’s game due his grotesque sack and resulting torn ACL. If the OL had given Penix better protection, he wouldn't be in this sticky situation. The backup QB Tuttle has provided stiff competition for the starting QB slot, though he's no Johnny Come-Lately. So even with Penix limping around and unable to perform, we would expect some new wrinkles in IU's offense and for their scores to come in spurts. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The once-proud Iggles, winners of the 2017-Season Super Bowl, are now crawling around the bottom of the lowly NFC East. The NFC East is so bad that the NFL Owners will be voting next Spring on a proposal to move the NFC East to a newly created “AAA” League. Much like in the gay English Premier League of soccer, after every Season, the bottom-2 teams in the NFL will be “relegated” to play the following Season in NFC East. To keep the number of teams balanced, the top-2 teams in the NFC East would be “promoted” to the NFL for the following Season. Unfortunately this isn’t in place yet (even though the teams in the East really wouldn’t change all that much year-to-year anyway -- not as long as Jerry Jones runs big D!), so we have to play them. Anyways, ... As you can see in the chart above, the Iggles fit in very nicely with the types of teams we have beaten this year. Their 3-7-1 winning record (28%) is almost identical to the 29% winning record of the teams we have beaten. Fans of this excellent blog will no doubt remember that we like the Iggles Head Coach, Doug Pederson. He was Brett Favre’s and Jim McMahon’s backup on the Packers ’96 Super Bowl Team and he likes to pack his freezer with venison. You will no doubt also remember that the Iggles D-Coordinator is none-other than the former Lions head coach, Jim Shortz. We don't like him. He is a dirt bag. Shortz was in charge of teaching NaddaC’mon Sue to stomp on Evan Dietrich-Smith. It’s understandable that Jim Shortz is frustrated with the Packers because we have stomped the crap out of him and his teams on the scoreboard so often (fair and squarely, I might add). Shortz has certainly been training his minions well in Philly. When you don’t have any other way to win you use cheap shots, which the Eagles did in spades when they visited Lambeau last year. The Packers controlled most of the game in the early going last year, but TE Zach Ertz got going with passes across the middle and we couldn’t stop their running game (no worries, we will magically fix the Run D this week). We also had particular trouble stopping their Special Teams last year (no worries, we have magically fixed all of our coverage units this week). The Offense? No worries! We have significantly improved the Offense since last year. In the biggest “addition by subtraction” example in recent professional sports, getting rid of Jimmy Graham during the off-season has cleared the way for Bobby Tonyan and the offense is now much better! The clip above is one of two potential TD drops by Graham. What a wasted roster spot. There were plenty of mistakes all around in that game last year, particularly on D, but in the end, we had a chance to win or go to OT. (Hmmm, sounds a bit like a recent game in Indiana.) We may not be perfect, but we are good enough to kick the Iggles’ asses. This one won’t be close, but Poutine will be sure to allow a buncha garbage-time points to make it look closer than it was… Packers 35 Eagles 24 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Former Packers tight end Richard Rodgers is the feature of this week’s JB article. Rodgers of course was the famous recipient of fellow Cal Bears alum Aaron Rodgers’ most memorable Hail Mary pass, against the Lions in Detroit. After being let go by Green Bay following the 2017 season, Rodgers quickly fell on hard times and recently revealed he is living in a homeless shelter. "I was dying of addiction," he said of his struggle. “You think I haven't answered this kind of question like a bazillion times -- why is Aaron a multibazillionaire and I'm homeless on the street?" Richard’s downslide started shortly after being released, when the IRS alleged that Rodgers had failed to pay more than $1.1 million in federal income tax for the year 2016. It was later uncovered that he also owed almost $4.3 million to Merrill Lynch Credit Corp., which claimed he hadn't made a mortgage payment in over a year. Though Rodgers initially sued his former business manager Hugh Janus for mismanaging his money, he ultimately had to sleep under bushes and in parking garages after going through bankruptcy and having his house foreclosed on and sold at auction. In 2019, he tried selling a tooth and some of his hair on eBay to raise cash. In addition to his financial troubles, Rodgers is purportedly suffering from hepatitis C, a heart infection and a collapsed lung, and also undergoing outpatient methadone treatments, which is typically employed to help heroin users. Hey, sometimes things go bad. One day you’re making a 1-yard gain falling forward from a shoestring tackle after a sideline pass, then next your snorting ants in the gutter. But keep your chin up, Richard. What’s next for you can’t be any worse than what you’ve dealt with in the last couple of years, and we salute your efforts to dig yourself out of the depths of whatever quagmire you might find yourself in. Giggity goo!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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