Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Kudos to the head banger in charge of music at Lambeau during the Buccaneers game! He was crankin’ the jams between each and every play of the game … It was like being at a high school hockey game – when every time there is a stoppage of play (e.g., after EVERY whistle), the Lambeau DJ would crank up the heavy metal. I imagine he looks like Jack Black in that School of Rock movie... It was awesome... he played everything from AC/DC, to Ozzy, to Trapt, to Rob Zombie, to Papa Roach, to Linkin Park, to Disturbed, to Rage Against the Machine, to Theory of a Deadman, and so on, and so on, .... Rock on, brother, rock on. Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme You may recall Coach’s prediction: … that we play perfectly on Defense & Special Teams, and, Hundley is “serviceable”. You can take this one to the bank… Damn, I’m smart. Let’s just saying winning ugly in OT is a whole heck of a lot better than losing ugly in OT! In a ray of Special Teams sunshine, Trevor Davis had 121 yards on 4 kickoff returns, Justin Vogel averaged 45.3 yards on 4 punts and Mason Crosby was 2 for 2 on FG’s. Maybe, just maybe, we are coming around. This was by the best game of the year for Special Teams. The stats above would usually lead you to believe that TB won by a bunch, and they maybe would have, except for one important stat. For a little better explanation of the outcome of the game, see Deano below… Right before the start of that play, Coach made a B-line for the bathroom up a couple dozen flights of stairs. As I unzipped in front of those little urinal bowls to stream out the 6-pack of Liene’s Wisconsin Red Pale Ale that I had been storing beneath my prostate since 11:30am, I listened to Wayne’s elucidation of the play: “Winston drops back to pass, AND THE BALL IS LOOSE! Kenny Clark knocked it out … and the Packers have it! Lowry snatched it out of the air -- and he could go, Rock!” Right about then I was finishing my “shake” and so I zipped up, used the nice warm faucet water (after foaming my hands via the convenient soap dispenser, of course), pushed the paper towel dispenser bar down 3 or maybe it was 4 times, dried my hands, checked myself out in the mirror (I had a little piece of brat bun cornered between a couple teeth and my gums, so I picked that out with my car keys), held the bathroom door open for a smiling elderly gentleman, and then meandered toward the opening to the stands where I could see Lowry at about the 45-yard line lumbering in a northerly direction. As far as I could tell, there were no Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 920 area code during his touchdown romp. I suspect it took somewhere between 98 and 147 seconds for Lowry to run 62 yards. It’s remarkable that he finished off his score with a Lambeau Leap! But let’s be clear, his score was the highlight of an otherwise pedestrian effort by the Packers' defense, and covered up the atrocious output of the offense. Although we had the lead, I was forecasting 20-20 overtime as the 4th quarter started ticking away, whilst those around me cringed when I vocalized my preposterous suggestion... Until, of course, I reminded them that our Defensive Lineman had more yards rushing than our quarterback had passing at that point. Overtime didn’t sound so bad after all, they lamented. Winston finished 21 of 32 for 270 yards and two touchdowns, including an 11-yard scoring pass for a 20-17 lead with 6:02 left. An encouraging sign is that Winston had defenders in his face all day and we got a buncha sacks, but it was against a makeshift line, so let’s not get too giddy about the D just yet. The Pack’s offensive drive chart for the game is not very inspiring, but we did run better and more consistently than in any other game this year. Without Lowry’s TD there is no tie, there is no OT and there is no win. Hundleybrook had just 84 yards on 13 of 22 passing, but he added seven carries for 66 yards, Jamaal Williams ran for 113 yards and a touchdown and the game ended in OT on Aaron Jones' 20-yard scoring run. So how is HB doing so far? Well…not very awe inspiring. He had a 48.3 rating in the game (versus the worst pass defense in the league … worse than ours!) and has a 70.6 rating in relief of Rodgers so far this year. So much for McCarthy having 3 years invested in him. Remind me again please, is it true that TT is a genius at finding talent and MM is a quarterback whisperer? WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Groundskeeper for an indoor turf stadium is an actual job. Millions watched as the Lucas Oil Stadium groundskeeper spread mulched rubber tire pellets along the goal line after the Badgers scored en route to a 2-point conversion attempt. No one is quite sure why another man with a rake was patting the turf after the pellets were applied. Coach thinks it was just to make it look like more than one guy was working on the problem that delayed game for several minutes. Now that Power 5 conference football play is suspended until the bowl games, you can look forward to watching thrilling college football games from the FCS (aka Division 2) playoffs, which involves teams who earned playoff positions by wins and losses, not by judge’s eye tests and disproportionate booster backdoor funding. From this footage (Click here) it’s easy to get excited about the surprising level of talent on the field and enthusiastic excellence of the television announcers. Enjoy! So Coach I and Coach II don't always get to sit together at the game, but thanks to some clever ticket finagling for the Bucs game we were only separated by 12 people. So, naturally, I offered to exchange my seats with these people in our immediate vicinity (so that me and the boys could slide down 25-feet toward Coach I and his gang of four). It went something like this: "Would you be willing to take my seats [which were a little bit better than theirs] so that we can sit next to those folks on the other side of you?" Of course, we’re all on the same team in the stands so folks were more than happy to do the old switcheroo. But, of course, there's always one douchebag in every crowd, right? This one cantankerous old bastard was unwilling to budge -- even though we were offering him a better seat! His daughter / MILF and her embarrassed pre-teen son (sporting a cool Packers jersey and classic burned-cork black stripes under his eyes) were very apologetic about "Grandpa" ... so 11 of the 12 were on board, but the crotchety old guy in the middle exercised his right to be a dick just because he could. Congratulations, Grandpa, you're a dick. All’s well that ends well, though, as the party next to Coach I departed early in the 4th Qtr so we moved over to those open seats and enjoyed the overtime celebration together! Fast forwarding to the post-game tailgate party, Coach I & II ended up getting a steady diet of “samples” from a 20-something Irish gal who happened to be in the country representing her company’s brand of whiskey and telling hilarious dirty jokes, but you guys don’t want to hear about that so I digress (thanks, Sarah!)… Fun fact: Christmas trees grow year-round, not just at Christmas time. You’re welcome. Detroit Lions Former Home Incorrigible, Too PONTIAC,MI–Apparently they can't do anything right in Detroit. It took explosives experts 3 attempts (that’s right, 3 ATTEMPTS!) to implode the Silverdome. Local Teamster Representative Pauly ‘No Neck’ Picconudi said “Yeah, it was kind of surprising that we couldn’t blow that sucker down. Even though it didn’t work the first time, we changed nothing and got the same failed result the second time. We didn’t change anything again the third time, but I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.” The Lions moved to Ford Field 15 years ago, still Silverdome management held on to hopes that the Lions would, for some unknown reason, move back. Pontiac entertainment executive Fynn Gerbeng remarked “We had no evidence that things would get better, but we just kept sticking it out.” The Silverdome isn’t the only former NFL dome stadium to meet its fate in recent years. The Vikings’ Metrodome imploded (click for video) on its own during a snowstorm in 2010. Gerbeng lamented “…we were hoping for something like that to happen to us last year. Geez, now the Vikings are going to be in the playoffs, too. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.” The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof It could not have played out any better for Robbie Gould. The former Bears kicker (now with the 49ers) was cut at the start of the 2016 season for no performance-related reason. Fortunately for him last year, the Giants kicker struggled early so they picked up Gould on a 1-year deal and he enjoyed a successful season (that ended in a Wildcard playoff loss to Green Bay). This year he signed with the 9ers, and he circled December 3rd as a revenge game against the team that cut him after 11 seasons in Chicago (even though he was their most prolific kicker of all time). Normally, the wrath of an angry kicker isn’t enough to sway the outcome of an NFL game, but this IS the Bears we’re talking about… Gould made 5 (count ’em, 5!) field goals against the Bears in the 49ers 15-14 victory over Chicago -- including the game winner as time was running out. Man, the Bears suck. They can’t even overcome the wrath of Robbie Gould. How pathetic is that? Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Summary: Bucky has ass kicked and still lost only narrowly. Big Ten Champion screwed out of playoff berth due to past two year’s playoff goose eggs. Hats off to Ohio State. As much as we hate to say it, they were the better team in Indy.
Wisconsin had very little margin for error in this game and made a handful of difference-making mistakes, including ill-advised passes downfield to Fumigalli and silly penalties. The first forced 20-80 ball to Fumigalli set the tone for the first half. Barrett showed NFL scouts why, like other Ohio State QBs before him, his future in the NFL is not at QB. At least two TD passes to wide open receivers were blown. Thank god, or this woulda been a blow out, again. We can certainly gripe about a few penalty calls not going our way (the mugging of DD III on the last series), but refereeing did not decide the game. We lost and deserved to lose. Despite all this, Wisconsin had the ball, enough time on the clock and surprisingly a chance to win the game at the end. Coaches Chryst & Leonhard must have delivered rather persuasive halftime speeches, perhaps dropping some mention of Penn State last year. Despite the defense losing its head in the first half, they managed to hold Ohio State to 6 points in the second half—with leading tackler D’Cota Dixon playing only limited snaps due to a lingering injury. Dixon’s replacement was the slow footed Ferguson, who served as poster boy for reinforcing the perception that Wisconsin still lacks team speed. As for Ohio State not making the playoff? They put the whole conference behind the eight ball losing at home to Oklahoma. Losing by 30 points at Iowa is unacceptable, given that the Hawkeyes then got shitstomped the following week by Wisconsin and lost to lowly Purdue to end the season. Playing an easy schedule and losing one game to a good Auburn team worked out quite well for Alabama. That makes them the third best SEC team, but the second SEC team in the playoff. Alabama leads the nation in one thing—having the most disgusting bathrooms in gas stations and public places. Let’s stop the madness and expand the playoff to at least 8 teams. Here is a simple 2 step method that is not perfect, but is a step in the right direction.
This plan could be improved upon, of course (and we know what to do), but this simple formula expands the playoff to 10 teams and gives a more even strength of schedule. A side benefit is that the prima donnas in South Bend would be forced to join a conference. We are personally pretty happy about Bucky’s selection for the Orange Bowl as a nice consolation prize. The match up with Miami is awesome and the atmosphere will be festive. While both teams are touted as having great defenses, their character and style are 180 degree opposites. More analysis of this in coming weeks! MIAMI BEACH–BU has started its Orange Bowl investigative reporting early. We are poking around Coral Gables to find out more about this turnover chain bling, but so far have nothing interesting to report. What we can say with some certainty is that an anonymous and protected source assures us that a certain underground establishment in South Beach has begun to illegally smuggle contraband into the state in anticipation of high demand by visiting Badger fans in a coupletree weeks. Several unmarked vans were seen unloading cases and barrels at an undisclosed address. We will update you as we learn more in the developing story. We all have a vested interest in finding out more! We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game in light of the current situation, Coach exclaims: “What the FUTSA?” (What as to happen For Us To Stay Alive?) As we continue our improbable march to 10 wins … and Aaron Rodgers riding in on a white horse when we play the Charlotte Panthers next week … it remains Coach’s job to tell you how it could work … not that it will or won’t happen … that’s for you to contemplate! Better than almost beating the Stealers, beating the Bucs actually got Brent Hundleybrook to 2 wins, which is approximately 100% better than 1 win. Shown below is an actual photograph of an actual scale model of a soldier dude on a white horse. This is a true simulation of what it won’t look like in Charlotte when Rodgers emerges from the tunnel. Did you know that Charlotte is named for Queen Charlotte? I don’t believe you, but it’s not important, we’ll cover Charlotte in a future episode. Wait, that’s not a dude on that horse. That’s a chick, man! I wonder if her name is Charlotte. …and why are there 2 t’s in Charlotte. If I were gonna spell Charlotte, I would spell it Sharlet. Now that’s a spicey name! But I digress… In an extremely important side-note, Coach would also like to emphasize that there are probably lots and lots of other important uses for white horses. If any come to mind, please alert Coach. OK, if you haven’t tried it yet, Coach strongly suggests that you invest several hours of employer compensated time studying the roughly 3.2 trillion permutations of the playoff picture. (Click Here for Playoff Simulator) In a strange evolution of the “10-wins-gets-you-in” rule … over the last few weeks the odds of the Pack getting in with 10 has crept down from the high 90’s% down to 91%, go figure. But even more bizarrely, the odds of getting in with 9 wins has crept up from the low 20’s% up to one-outta-tree. Check it out in the simulator. Actually, it’s not so strange when you consider that most of the teams ahead of us in the wildcard race lost last weekend. Coach can’t recall the lunch menu today, but he has crystal clear recall of the ’80s. He would spread out the Sporting News, the Press-Gazette, the Packer Report and grab the ole abacus and try to figure out how the 4-7 Pack could still make the Playoffs…exactly like now! Three-quarters of the Season in the books, the last quarter to go and a mathematical shot of making the playoffs. Just remember, it’s not over ‘til Bluto says it’s over. Of course, if we do get in, with our Defense and coaching staff it will be over pretty quick and Marky M will dole out another set of participation trophies... What the FUTSA to you! Who are we playing this weekend? Oh yeah, Cleveland. Which reminds me of my Tiger Cub Scout leader’s favorite joke that he told us all in 2nd grade… “What does a Cub Scout have to do to become a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie!” So, on to the Browns. That’s the reinvented-expansion-team-Browns, not the Art-Modell-middle-of-the-night-move-out-of-town-Browns-who-became-the-Ravens. How confusing is it when two teams claim the same record books? Well not to worry kids, they don’t really have that impressive of a record…well unless you want to go back to the All America Football Conference. (The Browns were founding members and won the first four championships from 1946-49…and they had Cleveland to themselves when the NFL’s Rams moved to L.A.) No, these Brownies are on their way to joining Detroit as the only two franchises who have accomplished an 0-16 regular season and have never sniffed a Super Bowl, let alone play in one or win one. The reactivated Cleveland Shitstains have had only two winning seasons since returning to the NFL in 1999. They are 4-40 since the beginning of the 2015 Season and are starting to reach Tampa Bay levels of ineptitude (re-read The Show!!! last week). Buy hey, ya gotta give Cleveland credit for consistency! They are the only team in the NFL who has the same uniform for “Throw Back”, “Color Rush” and “Normal” games. I love the nostalgia, but Coach recommends that they adopt the face mask sometime soon. Are they really that bad Coach? Yes, Jimmy they are. Coach, so, it’s a guaranteed win? Sorry Jimmy, no it’s not a guarantee. They have been stock piling high draft picks, picks made by Baseball Moneyball guys, and they have a buncha decent talent. In fact, THEY have a top 10 Defense! Stick that in your Capers voodoo doll. They just do not have any Offense (#JohnnyFootball) and are dead last in the league at 14.7 Offensive Pts/Gm for the season. But head’s up, we’ve been dropping like a stone with Eminem and Hundleybrook stinking it up together, we’re now averaging 18 Pts/Gm over the last 3 games. However -- in a really bizarre twist, they do rack up the yards! They are No. 12 overall in Offensive plays per game. What do the two stats together tell us?
Odds are that they are no danger for now, but look out, they just hired John Dorsey as their new GM. This is a family show, so Coach can’t tell you how he really feels, but Mark Murphy made a colossal f’ng mistake in not hiring Dorsey to replace Thompson. So waz it gonna take to win this weekend? This is the NFL and it is as true as ever that any team can beat any other team, on any given Sunday. We are going to have to run over 130 yards, be +1 in turnovers, even-or-better on penalties and have one game-shifting Special Teams play! Coach is convinced that we will be 7-6 by late Sunday afternoon!! This one aint gonna be pretty ... but neither are the Browns or their fans…. Packers 17 Browns 15 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This week we go way back to a real Packer great, linebacker Sam Palumbo. After studying architecture and marine biology at Notre Dame, Samkon Lyle Palumbo was drafted in the 4th round by the Browns in 1955, Sam played a couple years with Cleveland before coming to Green Bay. That’s right, there were two Packers named Samkon (#GadoFromLibertyUniversity). Sam tore it up with the Packers. He had a pick and a couple tackles, leading the team in both categories. Think of Sam Palumbo as kind of a Kyler Fackrell throwback. The Packer fans at the time thought he might have been drafted a little too high. Think of Kyler Fackrell as a linebacker that might have been drafted a little too high. The Packer Defensive Coordinator at the time, Felix Malugnut did what he could to cobble together a viable Defense. This was the first year in brand new City Stadium, and the 3-9 Packers really stunk up the new digs. As fate would have it, Palumbo was traded to make way for this FIB who turned out OK for the Pack in 1958. Not to worry, though, as Sam made a good living as a homicide detective in LA in the 60’s. In fact, Palumbo’s college roommate at Notre Dame, Regis Philbin, helped him make millions in royalties selling his story to NBC. Like many Hollywood moguls of that era, Palumbo made some choices with younger women that he later regretted and publically denounced. Like an addict needing a fix he continued to pal around with Philbin and fellow New Yorker (Giants all-pro quarterback) Frank Gifford whenever they would frequent the LA scene. In fact, Sam is the one who introduced Gifford to Kathy Lee back in 1963. The lass was only 10 years old at the time. Well, one thing led to another, and before you knew it she was singing on Name That Tune, married to a retired Hall-of-Fame quarterback, and co-hosting LIVE! with Regis Philbin. In his twilight years, Palumbo served on the Board of Directors for a California-based textile company operating on the East Coast, and he eventually dabbled in Washington politics a little bit, too. Not long before his passing he said his greatest joy in life was “…mentoring others to get into politics after they’ve had an unremarkable career doing something else.” So, Samkon Lyle Palumbo, we salute you (because nobody else will). Let's beat the Browns!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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