Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach was still recovering from the sniffles after deer camp, so he was on the fence about going to the game on Sunday. But with this weather report from Frankie MacDonald (Click on Link), playoff implications be damned – Coach was not leaving the house last weekend! I had my cell phones and laptops charged, extra blankets ready, and I drank lots of green tea, red tea, and white tea. If you are reading this, you obviously did the same and survived. The responsible thing for you single fellas to do is reproduce with as many single female survivors as you can, as fast as you can, and repopulate the gene pool to ensure our species endures. Thanks in advance. For you married fellas, here’s a tip that that you can feel free to use at home as you deem necessary… Coach recommends that you Google the way to block the Hallmark Channel and have a message that displays "THIS CHANNEL IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA." It’s an ideal solution to avoid the sights and sounds of the dozens of sappy, lame Christmas movies starring that chick who was “the fat one” on Full House in the late 80’s. I only wish I could have gotten this info out to you sooner. You’re welcome. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme So, apparently I missed a lot of stuff that only those present at Lambeau on Sunday can appreciate. For example… …a Pow-Wow at halftime, followed by a group dance to the Beer Barrel Polka blasting from the stadium speakers during the 3rd Qtr. You really can’t get that at any other stadium. A dome team, from the desert, playing in freezing weather with the snow coming down at Lambeau…Who could ask for anything better for the Packers? (Well, to be honest, Coach wishes it was about 10 degrees colder, then the rain/snow would have been a lot closer to a foot of the white stuff.) But, Packer fans soon had cause for concern... Fans could be heard muttering “Why isn’t Jake Kumerow on the roster?” (number 16), and “Who is that number 45?” (Danny Vitale from Northwestern via Cleveland). After a lackluster start to the game, their concern was heightened when the scoreboards could not seem to be kept in working order. This lack of attention extended to the concessions, where many stands were closed and those that were opened seemed to have only the inept on duty. How are fans supposed to see the game and keep BAC levels above 0.15 if they have to wait in line all day? Small points perhaps, but now that Mark Murphy has appointed himself Czar of everything Packers, he is clearly so full of himself he can’t see to it that the details are attended to in the stadium. Shame Murphy, shame! Bob Harlan kept up on the details and answered his own phone when fans called. Good luck to any of you out there trying to get through to our current Attorney-President. (You guessed it, he’s next on the list.) Game Summary “Stuff” rolls downhill from the top, and this lack of concern for the game inseminated every coach and player. If you look at the game stats it’s hard to believe we lost: Penalties – even Turnovers – none Time-of-possession Packers 32:26 Cards. 27:34 But if you dig a little deeper it’s very depressing…the offense stunk, again. Over the last 5 games we have scored a total of 16 points in the 4th Quarter. Think about it, we are averaging a FG per 4th Quarter. Lack of production on 3rd down (3/14 for 21%), lack of production passing (avg.4.5 yds/pass) and lack of production rushing (RB’s had 18 carries for 49 yds, 2.7 yds/carry). Broken record again and again. Chryminey, people, we scored 17 points in total, against the Cardinals, at home! Here a few highlights to help you understand why we lost: When we do get to the open field, we can’t run without falling down. Kumerow, the savior, was active, but he only had one play. The one play he was targeted he ran a perfect route and made a great catch. But he only had one play. There’s a reason Eddie Pleasant was available as a street free agent. He is not very good. This interception would have sealed the victory for Green Bay. And, yes, one more missed FG, this one would have tied the game at the end. In short, it's the Same Ol Story...we stunk. So, ... McCarthy gone! The Packer’s Organization advanced one step after the game and now Melissa McCarthy is gone. Thank you for your service Mike, but we are 31-28-2 since you blew the NFC Championship Game in Seattle at the end of the 2014 Season. We really have not been a good team for 3 ¾ seasons and it was time to get rid of you. Coach quickly contacted Mark Murphy to form some sort of understanding of what happened and what the plans are going forward. Mark seemed fairly confident that he did not fire Mike McCarthy. When Coach finally found the other Mark Murphy, he was somewhat pre-occupied, yet very sad, and it was clear that he was in mourning over the loss of Fat Mike. “Gosh, I don’t know what happened, seems like Mike just left the building. I am devastated, he was such a good friend” explained a chuckling Murphy. “I guess I’ll have to find another coach after I work on putting up ‘Luge Deux’, the new sledding hill I’m contemplating. I’m starting to think we should have four sledding hills in total, one for each Cardinal direction around the stadium. Did you get that? Did you get it? ‘Caaardinal-direction!’ Hmmm? Hmmm? Ahhh, I crack myself up. These are such good ideas for the football team, it really helps the guys focus on football. As I said in my press conference, I don’t want to brag about myself, but I know a LOT about football. That’s why I’m going to hire the next head coach!” Three down, one to go. Go back a couple of weeks to get a handle on how Coach feels about the Packers structure. Short Version? Murphy destroyed an outstanding organizational structure and system that Bob Harlan put in place many years ago. In its place he adopted the Dallas Organizational model and made himself the Jerry Jones of Green Bay. This way he can meddle in everything. Murphy’s greasy fingerprints are all over this team and he is intervening in all levels of the organization. In violation of common sense and established Harvard Business School empirical research, he has a matrixed structure that essentially means no decisions get made by anyone but him. Murphy made clear in his press conference that he is running (ruining) the show. His desire to push Gutekunst aside and hire the new HC is just one more glaring piece of evidence that he doesn’t know how to lead the team. Results? Exhibit A The 2018 Season Exhibit B Three years too late firing Thompson Exhibit C At LEAST 1 year too late firing McCarthy, 2 years more accurately, 3 years even more accurately Exhibit D He didn’t hire a real GM, he just lets Gutey find players Exhibit E Offense is our biggest disappointment this year, so HE appointed the new OC the interim HC Exhibit F Even the Assistant Coaches are acting up… This week it was obvious that the team is coming apart at the seams when Associate Head Coach Winston Moss acted out. He posted a bold tweet about holding #12 accountable and was summarily fired. While the Tweet was clearly ill-advised, he just as clearly new the impact it would have on his career and he felt compelled to vent his frustration anyway. This revolution is not over, there will be more blood in the streets and now it’s time to finish the job. Capers – Out Thompson – Out McCarthy – Out Murphy? Deadman walking, bull’s eye on his back Let’s just hope the Packers Executive Committee have the cajones to finish the job. What’s next – how do we find the next Head Coach? Coach isn’t sure if everyone is aware of the NFL Head Coach Selection Process, so let’s review: Step 1 Secretly contact candidates in-Season (naturally this violates NFL rules) Step 2 Fire existing Coach Step 3 Apply the “Rooney-Rule Steelers Owner Art Rooney, below, cajoled the NFL Owners into adopting a new rule when filling Head Coaching vacancies, which is now known as the “Rooney Rule.” Coach applauds the intent of the rule, which is to give minority candidates a fair shot at any new openings, but observes that generally GM’s only go through the motions prior to ignoring those candidates. Steps 3.a & 3.b In an effort to strengthen the impact of the Rooney Rule, this year the NFL Owners Committee decided to add two addendums. These policies call for additional broadening of the diversity among NFL Head Coaching Candidates and will be implemented prior to any new coaches being hired for 2019. Mr. Murphy seems to be more than enthusiastic about hosting these visits. Step 4 Hire the guy you originally targeted Let’s assume that the Murphy is marginally competent and has successfully completed clandestine Step 1, so the only open question is timing. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up McCarthy Would Punish Players After Road Losses By Booking Bad Hotels GREEN BAY, WI – Former Green Bay Packer Will Blackmon opened Pandora’s Box last week – right before head coach Mike McCarthy was fired, when he commented about the coach’s unusual form of punishing players for losing games on the road… From the re-tweets, it’s clear that it’s all true, and that McCarthy was a knucklehead who focused more on misguided paranoid psychology (#Sherman/Shottenheimer) than winning with real leadership and sound execution (#Lombardi/Belichick). Maybe the reason they couldn’t get a win on the road this year is because they couldn’t get any sleep! Coach’s crack squad of sports media interns dug into the hotel-torments of Packers players this year, and listed below are some of their eye-popping comments offered in exchange for their anonymity:
Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well POMONA, CA – In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains already don’t work too well. “Tackle football has long been known to be a high-risk sport, particularly for children under 12, but face it – some of these poor little guys are real knuckle-draggers, so why take away their fun? I mean, what do they have to lose?” said University of Los Angeles at Cal Poly Pomona childhood development physician Maureen Balticler, whose neuropathological research led her to the conclusion that the risk of chronic traumatic encephalopathy caused by repeated or severe head impacts in children is mitigated by more than 90 percent in cases where the youth presented signs of being a huge dumbass to begin with. “Of course, CTE is the most significant danger when it comes to contact sports like football, and the ages 10 to 18 are especially crucial to healthy neurological growth. But what are the symptoms of CTE? Mood swing, difficult thinking, memory loss? If that sounds like your kid, it’s because your precious little dude is already kind of a bonehead. Blocking, tackling, and getting hit on crossing routes are the least of the reasons why they’re acting like such a goddamn idiot all the time. More likely, it’s from the weed you were smoking or the aerosol cans you were sniffing while pregnant with him.” The study concluded that, for many of these halfwits, football is in fact their only shot at financial success or banging a smart broad like Ms. Balticler. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Matt Nagy Wonders If He Still Needs to Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bears Going To Lose NEW YORK – Watching his team fail miserably on almost every snap in overtime against the last place New York Giants, Chicago Bears head coach Matt Nagy wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bears were going to lose. After giving up a field goal to the Giants, the Bears needed to score at least the same to extend the game. However, the offense fumbled 3 times in their first (and only) possession. “It’s a miracle we recovered every one of those, so I wasn’t too sure if I should act mad or happy” said Nagy after the game. “I mean everybody knew we would lose, should I even bother raising my voice or acting like I’m disappointed? Who would I be fooling?” he asserted, noting that it would be pretty disingenuous to call out his players as if he or anyone else expected anything other than total incompetence on the field. “I guess I could make a whole show of yelling or throwing my headset and kicking something over, but everybody would see right through that charade. It would honestly be kind of embarrassing to even pretend I thought we had a chance at winning. People would think I’m a moron.” During the timeout before the failed 4th and long pass attempt that ended the game, Nagy had issued a half-hearted “let’s go” to his offense followed by three apathetic claps. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky-Miami Rematch at Yankee Stadium – Who Cares? NEW YORK – Thanks to Gaglionone missing a very makeable FG against BYU, we find the Badgers playing Miami again this year, this time at Yankee Stadium on a Thursday night before the New Year celebrations begin. Had he made that FG, or if Bucky showed up for the Axe game, etc., etc., etc., we’d find ourselves at least in the Outback Bowl in sunny Florida. OK, we’ll stop whining about ourselves. We also feel Northwestern was shafted in terms of bowl invites. They went 8-1 in the Big Ten and shoulda beat Michigan. They played tough in Indy against the Bucknuts. They should be in the Citrus Bowl or Outback Bowl. Iowa in particular is not worthy of being in the Outback Bowl, with 4 BigTen losses. WTF, man? But really, who gives a rip? Ponder this… Side boob with NHO’s is hard to beat. We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game CEO and self-appointed football know-it-all Mark Murphy explained at his Press Conference that his plan was going perfectly. “We have now reached the Number 10 Pick in the 2019 Draft” referring to the draft order if the 2018 Season ended today. He went on to say, “We can only hope that Regis Philbin will do what’s necessary to get into the Top 5.” Let Coach be perfectly clear here... Yes, we’d all like a high draft pick. No, we are not going to quit on 2018. Coach doesn’t particularly like baseball (unless the Brewers are in the playoffs, or there are drunk hot chicks at the bar asking me if I like baseball), but it does teach kids a good concept: “Brian, run to first base as hard as you can because, no matter how dire it looks, you never know -- maybe the 1st Baseman will drop the ball.” The Green Bay Packers will never be confused with Jimmy Johnson, John Gruden or any of the NBA teams who deliberately tank the season to get better draft picks. The Packers represent a City, a County, a State and global Packer Nation with pride and are a franchise that will never take a dive. Shame on any of you for hoping that we lose any more games. Coach also reminds you, the loyal and intelligent reader, that the last time we had a Top 10 pick we ended up with a good 3rd Rounder (AJ Hawk was picked No. 5 overall in 2006 and, while AJ was “OK”, it was basically a wasted 1st Round pick). There is absolutely no guarantee that a high pick will pan out (you know that). As befits a mediocre season, we are symmetrically positioned between the 2019 No. 10 Draft Pick and making the 2018 Playoffs. …the odds of making either is very similar (you guessed it, very close to zero). If the 2018 Season ended today, we would be picking at No. 10 in the 2019 Draft. Basically 22 of the 32 Teams in the NFL are better than us … let that sink in for a nanosecond. Bummer…. we should fire McCarthy. Wait, oh, yeah, right. Murphy Confused by NFL Playoff Formula Moving on to the Playoffs, the President of the GBP seems to have misunderstood how the NFL Playoff seeding actually works. He said at his Monday press conference that the Pack are out of the Playoffs. While the odds are getting slim, Murphy’s statement was in fact wrong. Granted the odds are somewhere between slim and none, but the Pack are still alive in the 2018 Playoff race. Coach also needs to temper this excitement, as we would pretty much be a one-and-done team if we made the Playoffs. No matter, Coach still wants to make the Playoffs to burnish the long term “making the Playoffs” record of the Franchise. This will further boggle your mind, but we could actually still win the NFC North this year! To win the North we would need to win-out and the Bears lose-out, wouldn’t that just be sweet! Stranger things have happened, and the Bears still suck. How could we get in? Think of it this way, we are in last place in an 8-team race for 3 spots. Step 1: Win out and get to 8-7-1. Step 2: One of the current Playoff teams stumbles:
Step 3 : The big leapfrog. We need the Panthers, Eagles, Skins or Bucs to finish 8-8 or worse. We covered the remaining games of all these teams last week and this really is possible. Maybe not probable, but definitely possible. Ok, so why will we beat the Falcons? Despite football being the ultimate team sport, most probably we will win because Aaron Rodgers is in a no-win situation. In one sense, if the Pack wins-out, AR will look like he was holding back to get Melissa fired. This scenario is really only for the feeble minded conspiracy theorists, though, who are living in their parents’ basement spending their time building pterodactyl sculptures out of peanut butter. If the Pack lose-out or look bad, AR will look like he is over the hill. He will do everything in his gifted power to ensure that does not happen. Yeah, Coach is betting on Rodgers getting P.O.’d at all the criticism this week and he catches fire!! In the Regis Philbin regime home-game … GB 21 ATL 20 (It’s a lock, feel free to bet your asshole brother-in-law from Chicago at least $100 on this one.) JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them If you are a man and have a pulse, you have watched the classic 1977 movie Slapshot starring Paul Newman as the player/coach of a minor league hockey team (the Charlestown Chiefs) that went from the outhouse to the penthouse by fighting their way (literally) into the playoffs. The team famously had a bunch of lovable losers that eventually played to their full potential once the opponent’s star players were pummeled into submission, following the key acquisition of a violent trio of sibling thugs known as the Hanson brothers. Awesome flick. Did you know, though, that this story was loosely based on the three bothers that played for the Packers in the early 70’s? It’s no coincidence that Perry, Barry, and Barty Smith all played for the Green Bay Packers in 1974. Much like the Chiefs, the Packers were better fighters than players at that time. They finished a disappointing 6-8-0 that year, and took 3rd place in the NFC Central division, right above the lowly 4-10 Chicago Bears (no team in Tampa back then). They started out the season losing to the Vikings at home, but after getting a thorough ass-chewing by head coach Dan Devine the team toughened up and impressively won 3 of their next 4 games. In addition, they were hardy enough to split with each division foe that year (the Bears won a lucky 10-9 decision in Chicago that season, which Coach still disputes as a less-than-fair game refereed by zebras clearly beholden to organized crime bosses from that shithole of a city). Anyways, it was the three brothers Smith from Odessa, Texas who instigated the toughening up of the Packers that year (and likely was a reason Packers management brought in a softer, more cerebral coach in 1975, Bart Starr, to keep them in “check”)… Elder twin brothers, Perry and Barry, were both drafted in 1973; Barry by Green Bay as a wide receiver out of Florida State in the 1st round (21st overall), and Perry by Oakland as a cornerback out of Colorado State in the 4th round (92nd overall). In a storied history of draft pick trades between these two franchises, the Packers were quick to acquire Perry from the Raiders at the behest of their own number one pick, Barry Smith. “Perry and I used to fight like hell at home” said Barry. We never knew our dad, so we would often try to boss each other around to be the man of the house, and it usually ended up with black eyes and bloody lips. I knew having Perry in Green Bay would make us a tougher team on defense, even if that meant hitting opponents below the belt.” Incredibly, the Packers became (and still is) the only NFL franchise to have 3 brothers starting on the same team when they drafted younger brother, Barty, a running back out of Richmond, as the 12th overall pick in 1974. “When they drafted me, I knew the NFC Central was heading back to the black and blue days” Barty Smith recalled, during a Packers 40th anniversary team celebration a few years ago. “We used to knock the snot out of each other at home. Our mom was often out at night, and we were left home alone to fend for ourselves. Usually that ended up with two of us picking on the other. One time Perry and Barry tied me down and took turns hitting me in the nuts with a full bottle of ketchup. I got them back, though, when I pissed in their Kool-aide.” Alas, the Smith brothers did not last long in Green Bay. Barry famously had a nervous breakdown at the end of his 4th year with the team when shopping at the Port Plaza Mall, purportedly triggered by a Prange’s cashier accusing him of facilitating into a leather purse. Twin brother Perry lasted only three years with the team before retiring early due to debilitating gangrenous hemorrhoids that limited his ability to defend against receivers that could run a complete route tree. Youngest brother Barty had the most success in the NFL, sharing the backfield with Packers legends John Brockington and Eric Torkelson. Those were some grand years. So, as we head into a new era of anyone-is-better-on-the-sidelines-than-McCarthy by taking on the Falcons, we salute the Smith’s; Perry, Barry, and Barty – three brothers that knew how to strike first and hit below the belt when it was time for the Packers to be the toughest kid on the block.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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