Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Nostradamus is safe for now. Coach’s prediction last week had the outcome correctly predicted, but even the great and powerful Coach didn’t foresee the Packers giving up 3 TD’s in regulation time. As I said last week, let’s just saying winning ugly in OT is a whole heck of a lot better than losing ugly in OT! It took over time to beat two of the worst franchises in the NFL on successive weeks, but we’ll take it. Tickets for the Cleveland game were dirt cheap and the ¾ full stands had lots of Packer fans. The first half was dominated by the Browns Defense. Brown’s DC, Greg “Bounty-Gate” Williams, loaded the box with 7 and 8 defenders and shut down the run. Brent HB had a face-full-o’-Browns on too many occasions, and the offensive juggernaut that is the Browns just kept getting into the endzone. By the early 3rd Qtr it was 21-7 and the Packers Season looked to be finished. Amazingly, after 2 ½ quarters of having the run stuffed, Eminem decided to turn Hundley “loose”… well “loose” in the sense that he let him throw short screens and slant passes to #17, who got a buncha YAC. Throw in a tremendous Trevor Davis punt return and, Bob’s-yer-uncle, we’re in OT. Click here for what might be the worst ever vlog summary of a Packers game. (But it does show the CM III arm grab that led to Dekizer’s interception in OT, which won the game. Yay!) To give McCarthy credit, probably the most important play of the game was the fake punt. On 4th and 2 at the GB 46, only 2:46 into the game, Jermaine Whitehead took the direct snap and ran around left end to the Cleveland 47 for the 1st down. That kept the opening drive alive and resulted in a TD. No fake punt? No TD. No TD? No OT. No OT? No 7-6. Fake punts, on-side kicks and other forms of “trickery” always work best in situations where the conventional thinking is to play it safe. In a rare moment of complimentitude for Coach, “ya done good, Mike.” To be fair to Coach’s prior assessments of McCarthy’s game management ineptitude, it was not a critical point in the game, which is where he tends to do the opposite (#GeorgeCostanza) of what should be done. In other news from the game. Coach has classified information that Aaron Rodgers and new Browns GM John Dorsey had a secret meeting before the game. Loyal readers know that Dorsey was a good LB and outstanding front office guy for the Pack for 20+ years, who was stolen away by fat-boy-Andy in KC. You may also know that he is one of Coach’s favored replacements for the worn out and tired TT. Coach captured most of the secret conversation with an FBI-inspired directional microphone. Rodgers was overheard saying “I really am disappointed that we didn’t get you back in Green Bay to replace Ted.” To which Dorsey replied, “Are you kidding, no way am I coming back until they get rid of that complacent dumb-ass Mark Murphy.” So, the Brett Hundley era is over, we hope. How did he do? He went 3-5 with a QB rating of 78.0, 8 TDs and 8 Picks. Pretty typical stats for a sub-500 QB, and he was just that 3-5. Serviceable backup QB? Maybe, but frankly not much better than Scott Tolzien. His 3 wins, including 2 in OT, were against teams that had a collective 5-13 record in their six games previous to playing the Pack. So…he narrowly defeated three of the worst teams in the league. His 5 losses were against teams that were basically at 0.500 in their 6 games prior to playing the Packers (16 wins, 14 losses). His best overall game was probably the “moral victory” in Pittsburgh. Coach, what should we conclude? Well Jimmy, as Coach has been explaining, the Packers are not a good team under MM/TT/MM/Big-Legume, and, Hundley is not a superstar QB. Hundley will no doubt be a journeyman backup and get a SB ring someday, probably with the 2026 Monterey, MX Rams. But after the 3-5 Hundley run, we are 7-6 and have a shot at the Playoffs. So give Hundely a “thank you for your service” trophy, a glass of milk and a warm spot on the bench as we listen for Jim Mora getting ready in the backroom. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Rodgers Returns to Packers Following Paternity Leave GREEN BAY—Well it’s been quite some time since we’ve had number 12 behind Center. Aaron Rodgers officially returned to Packers practice Wednesday after 8 weeks paternity leave. The unusually short gestation period is considered “nothing short of a Christmas miracle” by Packers medical staff director, Pepper Burress. “It usually takes about 9 months to pop one of those suckers out, but Arod – thanks to his physical conditioning regimen and extraordinary diet, was able to get it done in only 9 weeks! …just in time for the playoffs, too, I might add.” The proud papa could not be reached for comment owing to his busy schedule this week preparing for the matchup against Carolina. He did release a statement, though, thanking his medical team and all the well-wishers who supported him during his pregnancy. No word on the baby's name at the time of press release. Matthews Commended by Competition for Creating Turnovers ASHWAUBENON,WI–On again / off again Defensive all-star linebacker Clay Matthews III was a standout at Packers practice on Thursday as he consistently schooled contact dummies at the Don Hutson center during turnover drills. “Clay was dominant today…” said practice dummy Red Gumby “…and it’s not just because he has opposable thumbs. He was totally feeling it – definitely in the zone.” Matthews said the return of quarterback and team leader Aaron Rodgers this week gave him an extra boost that put a little more pop in his effort during drills, and he hopes his enthusiasm will carry on strongly through the Panthers game on Sunday. He also remarked that the practice dummy looks and smells like an anal dildo, which makes executing the drill a lot more difficult than most people think. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof The hapless Bears managed to squeak one out versus the Bungles on Sunday, but alas they have mathematically been eliminated from the playoffs. “Already?” you ask? Well, truth be told, the were eliminated a week earlier, but nobody was even checking for mathematical possibilities of elimination that soon in the season so the NFL just confirmed it this week. So, da Bears are out, along with the Browns (duh), the 49ers, and the Giants (impressive company, FIB’s). You’d think after getting all those high draft picks year after year after year after year after year after year they could at least muster a Wild Card appearance. Nope. The Bears still suck. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground This week we take you around the NCAA for some key updates since we are off doing udder stuff while the Badgers take finals and prep for the Orange Bowl. T.J Edwards named first team All-American MADISON—Redshirt junior T.J. Edwards was named first team All-American while player-coach Jack Cichy declares for the draft. One wonders how much better the Badgers woulda been had Cichy not been out for the season with a torn ACL. We cannot imagine the Badger defense being much better, but who knows? Perhaps we woulda beaten the Buckeyes. We think he will make a fine 4rd round draft choice come April (#VinceBiegel). Ohio State Self-Reports Secondary Violations They Just Assume Are Happening COLUMBUS, OH—Admitting guilt for infractions that sound like the types of obscure recruiting rules the school would break, Ohio State’s athletic director self-reported to the NCAA several secondary violations he just assumed were currently happening. “I don’t have concrete evidence that these things are going on, but I figured at least a handful of these rules are being broken given our track record,” said athletic director Gene Smith, who said he could not point to specific examples of wrongdoing, but assured reporters that at the very least he assumes his coaches are currently texting people they shouldn’t. “More likely than not, we’re also probably having former players in the NFL contact our kids because that just feels like stuff we like to do. I’m pretty comfortable filling out the paperwork to let the NCAA know something wrong is probably going on somewhere.” At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game in light of the current situation, Coach exclaims: “What the FUTSA?” (what has to happen For-Us-To-Stay-Alive?) There has been much discussion of the Packers making the playoffs, and much stupidity and confusion. Coach reminds you, the loyal readers, to keep this simple. There are two questions: Q1: What will the Packers final record be? Q2: Given various potential records, what are the odds of getting into the playoffs? Everyone seems to be focused on Q2, we need to stay focused on Q1… The table below shows the odds for various records…which is the answer to Q2. Conclusion? We are basically in the Playoffs now. Any loss will more-than-likely knock us out. Coach continues to urge you to invest a significant portion of your employer compensated day in debating the most important question…what will the final record be. This link is the playoff scenario generator. As for the playoffs, if we make them then that would be great! The only mystery is which form of Defensive meltdown will dominate the discussion during the offseason. For this coming weekend, all we need to know is “Pack must win” and “Bear down.” Yes, kids, we want the Bears to beat the Lions this weekend. No other games have a material impact on the playoff picture for the Pack this week. Of course, if the Falcons and/or Seahawks happen to lose, that wouldn't suck. The Charlotte Panthers be a formidable foe this weekend. They have won 5 of their last 6 games, including an impressive “total domination” win over the Minneapolis squad last weekend. The Panthers ran over the Vikings and were plus 2 on turnovers, and Cam did just enough passing. The story this year with the Panthers has been the Defense. The Panthers play a 4-3 (yes, Coach’s preferred scheme) and Orange Julius has been playing extremely well as a traditional DE with his hand in the dirt. Although he’s playing less than 50% of the defensive snaps, he’s got 9 sacks already. The entire front 7 is experienced and will be a real challenge. They’ve been holding opponents to 36% conversion on third downs, which has been a challenge for the Packers on Offense this year, even when AR was pulling the trigger. But no matter! The Pack will win, and here are the “Top 5” reasons why: No. 5 Brad Hoover is retired. You may recall that the Pack played in Charlotte on Nov 27, 2000. This was Mike Sherman’s first season and the Pack were coming off the 8-8 Ray Rhodes experiment in 1999. Rookie fullback Brad Hoover, an unknown, undrafted, free agent from nowhere, ran for 117 yards on 24 carries and had 41 yards receiving in a 31-14 beat down of our G-Men. Well he’s gone, and there’s no one named Brad Hoover on the current roster. Bonus points trivia time: that game Reggie White played AGAINST Green Bay as a Carolina Panther, and Coach’s son was born (we watched that Monday night game together). No. 4 The Packers lead the all-time series 9-5 (including playoffs) and are 5-2 all-time in Charlotte. No. 3 Dom Capers recruited Panthers coach Ron Rivera out of HS to the U of Cal. “He was pretty much one of the big influences on me deciding to go to Cal” said River recently. Dom likes Ron, Ron likes Dom, Dom is only marginally competent, which by the transitive property, makes Ron a Bear-linebacker-for-life. No. 2 The NFL likes symmetry and balance. The Conference Championship field for the 1996 season could possibly be replicated. The Jags and Patriots are both doing well in the AFC, as are the Panthers in the NFC. Up to the loyal reader to determine the odds of the Packers getting that far…but it’s fun to dream… Coach was at that NFC Championship game. The 30-13 beat down was on a balmy, sunny, -6F degrees day and the game was not as close as the score might indicate. Do you remember who coached that sorry team? Yes, our Defensive Coordinator, the Big Legume, Dom Capers. A “get ya close” coach then, who’s not quite that good now. No 1 Yes. He’s back, and Coach has fed carrots to the Horse. The improbable legend continues. Packers 31 Panthers 28 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them In addition to the truly great native Wisconsinite, Badger and Packer, offensive tackle Mark Tauscher, former place kicker Ryan Longwell will be inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame (as if a kicker deserves to be there) next July. Longwell is most famous around these parts for his insult of the city of Green Bay upon his departure to Minnesota, saying “…they don’t have much culture there [laughs], the finest restaurant in town is probably the Applebees.” which we know isn’t true (it’s Culvers across the street). His not-so-hot wife with oddly large ears was a lame local news reporter while Ryan was in town (sort of a pity job we gave her as long as he kept making kicks … imagine a blondish short Sarah Huckabee Sanders and try to stomach that). Over time, his long kick wasn’t so well – unable to reach the goal line on kickoffs with low liners, which led to ridiculously favorable field position for opposing teams. So the Packers let his contract run out and he ended up (as all washed-up Packers do) in Minnesota. Ryan has apparently changed his tune as he became older and wiser, though, and has become very complimentary of the city and appreciative of the organization that kept him on the squad as a 1997 undrafted free agent, instead of their 3rd round selection Bret Conway. Preparing for his pre-selection Hall of Fame interview, the anal-retentive kicker was even a little nervous about getting the nod (Click on Link ). Yet – somehow, you got in you crazy bastard. Ryan, you’re a kicker … and you’re kind of a dick, so we won’t salute you, but you were better than Bret Conway so we’ll give you that. Whatever, dude.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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