Ho, Ho, Ho -- Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!! Youth-In-Asia Could Be Answer for Capers HOBART,WI—Looking to take a break from the stresses that come with being a high-profile coach on an NFL team that failed to make the playoffs, Packers Defensive Coordinator Dom Capers is planning a unique adventure in January. “Usually I just go golfing, but this year I was trying to find a new approach to clear my mind in a way that helps others, too.” said Capers. Then, while taking their cat Precious to the local vet this past Monday, he was discussing philanthropic relaxation ideas with his wife Sadie. “A passerby overheard us and suggested I would be a good candidate for ‘Youth-In-Asia.’ It was something that I hadn’t ever thought of before because — to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was all about.” Although he’s still researching this opportunity to get more specifics, Capers believes there are children in Asia who need some sort of assistance or guidance of some sort. “The only thing I know for sure is that to go there you need to see a doctor first to get a shot, I guess it’s for malaria or something like that.” Capers already has an appointment set up at the local hospice with Dr. Kev Orkian following exit interviews with his players a week from Monday. “I’m really looking forward to how this event can change me,” smiled the 60-something Defensive genius “and from what people say I think Youth-In-Asia might be good for Ted Thompson, too.” Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme OK, now we know the answer. Even Super-Man-Rodgers could not save the day. The line between winning and losing is very fine in the NFL, particularly when you have a mediocre team. Rodger’s 3 interceptions and Geronimo’s ball-stripped-fumble on the final offensive play for the Pack were too much. Negative 4 on turnovers is too much for most NFL teams to overcome. Surprised? No, the only surprise for Coach is that it wasn’t a 20+ point blowout. In a minor tip-o-the-cap, Coach can say, “it’s amazing that the score was so close when we sucked so bad, well done boys”. Coach has inside information from the Locker Room after the game, and yes, it was almost the same as at DNC HQ last November. “Nice try” and “we’ll get’em next time” were the warm words of encouragement from Team Apologist Mark Murphy. The first half can be summarized as “a bit sloppy” but, “hey, we’re winning at half-time”. In the second-half the difference in talent and Coaching shone thru. Everyone in at least 49 of these 52 United States knew that Rodger’s would be rusty, so time for the Defense to rise to the occasion! There are two Carolina drives in particularly that caused Coach to have to go get the new Circuit City 4G TV that he wanted anyway. On the opening drive of the 2nd Half, the Panthers drove straight down the field and scored…on a play that they narrowly missed on two years ago. This will make you sick... Greg Olson is basically laughing at the Packers defense, he was sort of covered by Josh Jones and was wide open on his part of the “Caucasian invasion” (click on link). (Note, Coach is too chicken to touch Mr. Newton’s comment at the end in this PC-mad world, other than to note that the one-way-street sign needs to be posted to avoid accidents.) So, tough game, on the road, an AR INT and we’re down by 10. Follow with a gritty 47-yard drive by the Pack, a Mason Crosby FG and we’re only down by a TD. Time for the D to “Bow-Up” and shut this thing down!! Right?? Are you with me?? W & T & F Railroad is going on out there? The Panthers go 75 yds on 8 plays to take a 31-17 lead. Game over.. Yeah, yeah, an AR TD drive, miracle onside kick, Geronimo fumbled the miracle-TD-that-was-coming…don’t kid yourself…we got our asses handed to us in Carolina. Take it from Coach, or take if from Mark Tauscher, the Packers Defense is completely unoriginal and does not confuse even the dumbest offensive players in the rest of the league. {In an exclusive, completely unsubstantiated, 4th hand story from Mark Tauscher, who spoke to a guy, who told the story to a friend of Coach, Tausch thinks the Defense sucks because it is so vanilla and easy to scheme against. So, there’s that, then.} Don’t agree with Coach? Well, then Coach has a few exercises for you to do: 1) Explain away the table below. Coach has assembled a variety of defensive statistics, showing both the rank in the NFL and the average value of the statistic thru Gm 14. To aid you, the loyal reader, in getting quickly past the football stuff to, as-they-say, the more titillating sections of the blog, Coach has color coded each stat. One hint: Red is bad (Rank 21-33); Yellow is pathetic (Rank11-20); Green is good, where you need to be to win a SB… B) If, after reviewing the table above, you still believe that the Packers don’t have a problem on Defense, then Coach directs you to pound sand. A lot has been written and said about our Defense this week. None if it has been flattering, all if it has been true. As Coach has written in this column previously, there are four possible explanations. And no, injury is not one of the explanations. Coach will digress for a moment to disabuse you of that excuse. The graph below is from Man-Games-Lost dot com: * it shows that yet again we are about average for both the number of injuries and the impact of the players lost. * it also shows that well run teams like Philadelphia and New England actually have more injuries, but somehow tend to win anyway (good coaching maybe?). To be fair, one thing this analysis doesn’t capture is the loss of first year players. There is no track record, so MGL essentially uses “0” to weight the impact of their loss (which is the bubble size). A hidden “negativity”, to borrow McCarthy’s idiotic expression from this week, is the impact of having a young roster in the shuffling of inexperience from one gaping hole to another. OK, so back to the for possible reasons that we are so abjectly awful on Defense: Put that in your thinking cap and come back to Coach with a different explanation. Coach says the primary reason is a combination of a Bad Scheme (#1) combined with inexperienced Players (#4). As points of reference, the last, and only, time we had a good D with Eminem and Capers together, we had a Nick Collins directing the D and a Pro-Bowl-Hall-of-Famer in Woodson who knew when to play is his role and when to freelance. Experienced players who knew how to run the scheme. Want more evidence? The Pro Bowl rosters were released this week. Where did we come out? Zer0, zip, nada…tied with the Bears (4 wins), Jets (5 wins), Colts (3 wins), and Cleveland with nuthin’ That is Ted’s fault. And, to add insult to injury, two former Packers that we did not re-sign, Casey Hayward and Micah Hyde did make it. Are Hayward and Hyde HOF’ers? Absolutely not, but they are very good players, playing a role in a scheme they can contribute to…and we could not figure out how to keep them on the roster. Instead we have Jermaine Whitehead committing a PI on 3rd down on the 12-yard line to allow Charlotte to go up 24-14 in the 3rd. Coach disdains the normal BS from the National Talking Heads, even more than the nonsense from local beat writers like Rob Dipshit Demovsky. However, the Cow Herder can recognize cow excrement when he sees it. In this case he does a fairly decent job of analyzing the steaming pile of roster that we have, which may sound a bit familiar to you (click on link). For you young’uns that have known nothing but success for the last 25 years, it’s important to note that Coach loves the Pack and will always go to every game that he can. Regardless of the likely outcome we will drink and cheer and be loyal fans. What frustrates you, and frustrates Coach, is that Rodger’s is a once-in-a-generation talent, and Murphy-Thompson-McCarthy-Capers are wasting him. We are fans of the team, not the regime. Serious moment here for serious times… …Coach sincerely thinks a full house cleaning from Murphy on down is needed to turn this thing around… …Coach is calling for Regime-Change. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up And now, a taxonomy of who most male Packer fans resemble by age… Ages 12 and under: Jerry O’Connell in Stand By Me Ages 13-20: young Chris Farley Ages 21-34: Chris Farley the rest of the time Ages 35-55: one of the BoDeans Ages 56 and older: Ed Gein Vikings Coach Has No Thumbs MINNEAPOLIS-Responding to a pluming cloud of doubt surrounding his masculinity, Mike “the Sloth” Zimmer addressed the media after practice Tuesday claiming he can’t throw like a man because he has no thumbs. Upon further investigation, anonymous sources have confirmed that the Vikings head coach does in fact throw like a girl. Suspicions arose when Zimmer threw a challenge flag in dispute of an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after Vikings Defensive Tackle Jervis Threadstone appeared to drag his scrotum across the face of Bengals Running Back Ceril Bowswitch inside a pile of players during a fumble recovery scrum. “Zimmer’s overhand delivery is paltry and weak” growled Minnesota Twins retired pitching coach Lefty Burnside, adding “…we used to beat up kids like him at recess when we were bored with peeling lead paint off of school walls.” Following up on this story Zimmer could not be reached for comment, but we did leave numerous voice mails on his answering machine featuring music from Cabaret. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof POTUS Critiques Bears Front Office WASHINGTON,DC-President Donald J. Trump raised some eyebrows in Chicago Wednesday morning during his regular press briefing from the blue room at the White House. After bragging to reporters about the passage of his sweeping tax reform legislation, liberal media correspondents quickly pivoted to still-unresolved issues on the president’s plate like North Korea and Iran. Mr. Trump pounced on the Iran nuclear deal, which former President Obama masterminded in order to pay the rogue nation $485 million while enabling them to proliferate their nuclear arsenal. “It made no sense!” exclaimed President Trump. “It was worse than when the Chicago Bears traded up from number 3 to number 2 in order to get a quarterback that nobody wanted. And nobody wanted Mitchell Trubisky, believe me. He’s a complete failure in the NFL. A complete failure.” President Trump is right about the Chicago Bears’ number 1 pick. The Bears managed to make their bad 2016 QB situation worse in 2017. Of the 32 quarterbacks in the NFL, Mitchell Trubisky is ranked – you guessed it, 32nd. The objective NFL QBR statistics indicate the highest ranked quarterback is fellow rookie, Deshawn Watson of Houston (81.8 Total QBR). Unfortunately for Watson (and the NFL), he went out midway through the season with an ACL injury, and only had roughly 300 snaps – a similar quantity to Aaron Rodgers (ranked 8th with a Total QBR of 62.7). What about the other NFC North QB’s? Case Keenum of Minnesota is ranked 3rd with a Total QBR of 72.0 and Matthew Stafford of the Lions is 9th at 61.9. Way at the bottom is the Bears’ turdbiscut, with a Total QBR of 26.7. Jay Cutler is laughing his ass off, pulling in a cool $10 million in Miami, looking down at the Bears QB situation from his audacious perch at number 27 (Total QBR of 39.4, #sameoldjay). On the field, and in the front office, the proof is irrefutable that the Bears still suck (but you knew that anyway). Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately following the New Year’s Day bowl games, the NCAA announced at the conclusion of the Heisman trophy award ceremony that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did. “Holy shit, you know what, you guys are definitely getting suspended again for all that shit,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert, revealing that after the entire NCAA board suddenly recalled that high-level people throughout Penn State deliberately protected a child rapist for decades, the program would be banned from playing games through 2020. “I can’t believe we didn’t give you bastards a lifetime ban to begin with. What the hell were we thinking? That’s some seriously messed-up shit that nobody should ever get away with.” Emmert then added that there would be “no F’ing way” the NCAA would hear any appeals from Penn state. The current point spread is Bucky by 6.5 in essentially a home game for the ‘Canes. This is the eye test for Wisconsin. The “Canes are young and were serious overachievers this year. Watch out for them next year, but they are going down hard in the Orange Bowl. Sure, they beat Notre Dame. STFW? They should have lost to Georgia Tech, Virginia, and Florida State (at least)--in addition to the two games they actually lost. They recently lost their best receiver, Ahman Richards, to a knee injury and their dynamic tight end, Herndon, to some other malady. Their best running back, Mark Walton, hurt his ankle against FSU. He's been out since and is declaring for the draft. The QB, Rosier, really struggles with pressure. Clemson locked up his receivers on the outside and beat the Miami line badly. Miami struggles to run block and pass protect. Miami is a run team. Only Ohio State succeeded in running on the Badgers. Wisconsin will have a lot of success forcing bad throws like Clemson did. This should lead to turnovers. Leading tackler and bad-ass before his hamstring injury D’Cota Dixon should be healthy for the first time since mid-October. He’s gonna be blowing up Miami receivers & running backs. Joe Ferguson’s slow ass is going to spend most of the day on the bench. Expect no wide-open green spaces like we saw vs. tOSU or like we have become accustomed to seeing under Dom Capers. Instead of a lame ass turnover chain like Miami has, Bucky has agreed to do a beer bong after each one we get along with his push-ups for each point after a score. We are looking forward to a pick 6 with Bucky hurling. Beer bong first, push-ups second. Check this out. Miami has a great defense. They are young and very fired up. That turnover chain thing is soooo Miami but it works. These guys have 30 turnovers this season and Bucky has served up on a silver platter 23. This could be a sack fest for the Horn Dog. With Deiter getting beaten like a drum by Bosa, there is blood in the water. Miami is going to load the box and force Hornibrook to beat them over the top. How do we remedy this? Pound it with Taylor. End arounds to any swingin’ dick WR will help. And then BAM! Horn dog hits Fumigalli short or DD3 long! Miami's length and size on the defensive front can be a problem for Wisconsin. The Miami D is solid but very beatable. Clemson was successful with the short passing game and getting the ball quick on the outside to shifty guys. Wisconsin offensively does not have the horses Clemson does, but they have some guys who can be successful in this game. Watch for J.T. to rack up at least 150 yards rushing and Hornibrook to settle in to a decent game after his obligatory picks in the first quarter. Wisconsin did prove that it could move the ball against a real defense with talent. Take away two WTF forced balls to Fumigalli and we’re likely looking at a different perception of the Wisconsin offense. Problem is that there’s no reason to believe that Hornibrook is going to put together a clean game. Note that Miami did not match up well against teams with massive offensive lines and defensive fronts—Clemson and Pitt. Pitt could have been a case of Miami being a bunch of knuckleheads and overlooking them. The local Madison media are putzes comparing Miami to Ohio State, neglecting to make mention of Miami’s offensive challenges. We predict a 35-14 blow out, in favor of Bucky. The sooner Wisconsin gets Miami playing from behind, the larger the margin of victory. We have seen way too many games where the Wisconsin offense starts slow and turns the ball over during the first half. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game In light of the current situation, Coach is temporarily re-naming this section: “Now it’s the Pre-Season” (NIT-PiS) Trust Coach, he’s more frustrated than you are when it comes to how this season has unfolded. Hell, I can’t even keep the heading for the section the same. Let’s face it, on the face of things the Minneapolis Viqueens should have no problem covering the Vegas Line of 9 points. Many (most?) analysts are calling for a complete blowout. But in the words of our Savior Bluto Blutarsky: “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily” (I know you thought I was going to say, “it’s not over ‘til it’s over,” but it’s over). In a bizarre twist on a Norwegian tradition. Vikings Team Trainer Ole Olafsen announced this week that Coach Mike Zimmer has decided to wear an unwashed pair of former Head Coach Bud Grant’s underwear until the end of the Season, whatever that might be. Coach does have to say that he has always respected Coach Grant. And, frankly I’m envious that Minneapolis now has a Coach in Zimmer who is more like Grant than any of the impostors they’ve had since Grant. But Coach hastens to point out, that even with the great Bud Grant, they ain’t never done squat as a franchise. Now I’m not saying that his underwear was the cause, but you know, it is very cold during winter… Recently Coach had the distinct pleasure of leading a tour of Cultural Anthropologists to Minnesota. The PHD candidates are studying cases of Tribal Futility, 1956-present. They came from a tropical rainforest where the habitat had been denuded of all foliage, directly to Vikings HQ. As an aside, all that anthropology talk reminds Coach of one of his favorite jokes: Q: What’s the difference between a girl’s track team and a running band of pygmies? A: One’s a cunning band of runts. The Minnesota Press and fans have been relentless this year and pressing for a trophy! They have been to the Super Bowl four times, but have never won. It’s become such a pressurized environment that the normal symbiosis between fans and media is starting to deteriorate. Yes, just one more disappointment after another, and this year will be no different. Because we are us and they are them…. Packers 21 Minnesoatah 17 Bank on it…bet all the money that you would have otherwise put in the red kettle when you’re walking into Walgreen’s. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them The 1923 NFL season was the fourth regular season of the National Football League. For the first time, all of the clubs that were considered to be part of the NFL fielded teams. The Canton Bulldogs repeated as NFL Champions after ending the season with an 11–0–1 record. Of course, the Packers and the Bears were there, along with the Chicago Cardinals. No teams wore teal, or creamsicle orange, or even purple for that matter. Mostly, both uniforms pretty much ended up the color “mud” and the “helmets” were matching leather. There are some pretty cool team names there, including 5 animals, 2 Indians, 2 Professionals, 1 geometric shape, a couple of All-’s, and 3 wealthy surnames. I think the coolest aspect about the 1923 Packers team were the names of the players. Get a load of this… Imagine lining up with fellow linemen Jug Erp, Cub Buck, Jab Murray, Whitey Woodin, and Moose Gardner! How about being flanked on the end by Cowboy Wheeler, Norbert Hayes, “Black” Jack Gray, or Stan “the man” Mills? Of course, then there’s the likes of Curly Lambeau, Buck Gavin, Charlie Mathys, and Myrt Basing in the backfield. Too cool. Way cooler than dorky, choreographed end zone celebrations by overpaid pretty boys. Just sayin. Oh, yeah, and Curly Lambeau played both Offense and Defense, and was also the coach. When a starter went down with injury, often that meant an Offensive and a Defensive position would need to be filled – so they just rubbed some dirt on it and the player got back in there. There were no head shots using a helmet as a weapon, just fist on chin for 3 yards (and a cloud of dust) – real tough guys, these fellas. I would have LOVED to watch one of THOSE games, wouldn’t you? (It probably cost like 5-cents to get in, though.) Don’t hold your breath for any of that kind of action Saturday night. Talent will be pre-season level at best, with less physicality. Coach recommends you spend these 3-hours Saturday night stuffing Mrs. Claus’ stocking.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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