HO! HO! HO! Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Before we dive deep into the football scrum, congratulations go out to the winner of last week’s contest, Alan Stanwyck of Manawa, for his 1st prize entry of “Best cameo appearance in a movie.” Some of the better entries (receiving honorable mention) include: TJ Lang, David Bakhtiari, Don Barclay and Josh Sitton with Clay Matthews III in “Pitch Perfect 2” All good entries, and thanks to all 43 of you who submitted them! OK, and now, to Alan’s winning entry... Bret Michaels, being hit by a double-decker bus and still keeps playing his guitar in “Sharknado 5!” For his winning entry, Alan receives two gently used Blu-ray discs of the movies Fletch and Fletch Lives, plus a miniature replica NFL “The Duke” football signed by former Packers receiver and special teams ace, Brandon Bostick. Good on you, Alan! And now, back to our regularly scheduled football programming… Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme These clips summarize the game: Rodgers thinks about lateraling to Linsley while getting sacked, he probably should have, Linsley is a decent athlete. I wish Hicks played for us, he’s been dominating the Pack for 2 years. Rodgers streak is over. He has a new record. So what? The pass was behind Graham, AR has been off all year. Rodgers was 25 of 42 passing for 274 yards, 0 TD’s, 1 INT and a passer rating of 68.9. For the year he has 23 TD’s and 2 INT’s and a rating of 97.2, well below his career average of 103.1…. mainly because he has missed or thrown away so many passes this year. Fire Rodgers, fire everybody. Close Lambeau. Fold the franchise. In Chicago we hung around for a bit, but in the end, we couldn’t get out of our own way. There is nothing good about losing to the Bears, and it only adds insult to injury that they clinched a playoff spot and knocked us out of the playoffs with the loss. For the year in total it doesn’t look good, either. Much like every week this year. We are firmly ensconced in mediocrity. Packer Highlights from the Game: Jamal Williams had his best run of the year for a TD. A guy called Fadol Brown was key on stuffing the Bears fake punt. A guy called Fadol Brown was key on stuffing the Bears Wildcat and causing a fumble. A guy called Fadol (fuh-DOLL) Brown, No. 98, was claimed off waivers from the Oakland Raiders on Dec. 5. Brown (6-4, 282), a first-year player out of the University of Mississippi, was originally signed as an undrafted rookie free agent by the Oakland Raiders in 2017. He played in eight games for Oakland this season, recording 17 tackles (14 solo) and one pass defended. Think about that for 3 nano-seconds…one of our best defensive players in the Bears game was cut by the worst team in the league, who also just so happens to have given up the most points this year…. Why did we lose? Well, equal parts Offense and Defense. We did nothing on Offense (17 points and only one TD is nothing) and our band of boys on Defense can’t tackle. Eddy Pleasant demonstrates his sack technique Eddy Pleasant demonstrates his tackling technique Josh Jones decides it is too much work to put a hand on Cohen. So where are we now? Yup. We are picking at No. 11 right now, with a decent shot of getting into the Top 10. Unlikely that we will make Top 5. And, if we lose in the Meadowlands against the Jets, we will go 0-8 on the road for the Season. Eight road losses has never been done by any Packers team, and we haven’t lost all of our away games since 1958, 60-years ago, the year before Lombardi showed up. Let’s look at the 2018 NFC Central Standings after last weekend’s games. We are firmly placed in the middle. Two games behind the Queens and a half-game ahead of the Lions and Popsicle Suits. Doesn’t that seem familiar? Let’s jump in the DeLorean and set the clock to 1991. In 1991 we were in the last year of the Lindy Infante debacle and finished with a 4-12 record. The Bears? Well, in game 14 they beat us 27-13, which put them at 10 Wins and 4 Losses. The Bears went 11-5, probably where they will be this year. We need to finish the house cleaning. We have no talent on the roster, and we have no talent on the roster because our Lawyer In Chief, Mark Murphy, fired Ted Thompson 3-years too late and then gave himself control over football operations – where he has no place sticking his nose (this power grab for control of Packers football decisions by someone who thinks he is qualified – but really isn’t, is what Coach refers to as “Murphy’s Law” and I suspect it will someday become a common term used metaphorically for something going dreadfully wrong despite the best of intentions of an egomaniac, but we’ll just have to wait and see on that) … which was the exact same predicament that mired the Packers in mediocrity through the 70’s and 80’s until that same structure was abolished by Packers President and all-around nice guy, Bob Harlan, when he gave all of that control over football operations to Ron Wolf, who hired Mike Holmgren to replace Infante, traded for Brett Favre, and signed Reggie White. Fire Murphy. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Demovsky To Rodgers: Fire Danica! CHICAGO—Blaming numerous missed passes to wide open receivers on quarterback Aaron Rodgers “Yanking his groin” during a Hail Mary pass right before halftime, ESPN so-called reporter and opinionated gridiron sage, Rob Demovsky, insinuated Sunday night from Soldiers Fields that Danica Patrick wasn’t doing HER job and needs to give Rodgers a performance that makes the virile quarterback forget about his talented former leading lady, Olivia Munn. “He’s obviously frustrated with newbie training this year, feeling things out all over again, getting the timing right … and that finally culminated in him getting, well, a little over-anxious when going long and, yeah, he unloaded too soon. Hey, it happens. When you lack that gifted receiver who you can count on to reliably get it from any angle … to not be shy about going down the middle, or take it up the seam, well … who wouldn’t feel like a change is needed? He’ll never say it, but Danica has got to go.” Rodgers was less forward during his post-game press conference, simply stating “Sure, there’s things that could be done better, including by myself. Nobody’s perfect, I don’t expect perfection, but I think some more film study would maybe help. I mean, I’ve suggested that, but…whatever.” Demovsky first broke the story that Rodgers has been entrenched with a debilitating case of pink eye that's affected the quarterback's accuracy since Week 3 after going "down there" when an unexpected queef arrived like a glaucoma test. Since then, the reporter has continued to assert similarly baseless rumors and innuendo like a jealous beeyoch, presumably to mar the reputation of the female former race car driver and Go Daddy! sell out. When Demovsky was approached yesterday and asked if he’s changed his mind at all regarding Rodgers’ love interest’s negative performance affecting the QB’s, he boasted “All I can say is, if Rodgers doesn’t finally get a proper workout this week, the Packers might not even make the playoffs this year!” and then appeared to follow that statement with a rapid murmur that most sound technicians agree was the plea “Call me, Aaron.” Fox NFL Sunday Looking To Boost Ratings With ‘Star Wars’ Theme LOS ANGELES — In an effort to generate more enthusiasm amongst football fans across the country as more and more of them are faced with the reality that their team will not be in the playoffs, Fox executives announced Tuesday that they would dress their football pre-game show celebrities in authentic Star Wars attire throughout each show for the remainder of this season. “Our worst fears have been realized now that it appears two teams from Los Angeles will be in the playoffs, which means nearly 20% of playoff teams — plus 2/3 of the other teams in the league who are on the outside looking in, have no fan base to continue watching the sport or our pre-game “analytainment” said Fox Sports media spokesman Wilton Koch. “We know it will be tough – especially as the season draws to an end, to draw the size of audience that we promised our sponsors, so we’re trying to make things a little more fun, especially for younger viewers we might be able to attract. I really liked the suggestion from our smoking hot intern, Alyssa, to place a Luke Skywalker bobblehead in front of Curt Menefee.” Koch later hinted that other tweaks to the show might include replacing the iconic Fox NFL intro music with “The Imperial March” and having Jimmy Johnson do impressions of Yoda breaking down film. McCarthy’s Lack Of Brain Activity During Games Attributed To Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak WASHINGTON, D.C. — Investigating a wrongful dismissal claim on behalf of former Packers head coach, Mike McCarthy, investigators from the Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) released their report Monday that revealed an undetected carbon monoxide leak from a portable heater on the Packers sidelines affected the coach’s decision making (or lack thereof) during each game. “Our investigation found that a lack of focus, weariness, and general disinclination to perform his job at a level above that considered mildly-retarded was most likely a sign of him breathing in colorless, odorless, noxious fumes” said lead investigator Adam Surfas, asserting that McCarthy’s complete lack of competence during games was because he was being slowly poisoned. “The buildup of gas can be slow, as carbon monoxide is slightly lighter than air, so it may go unnoticed the entire first quarter. But make no mistake, each time he removed Aaron Jones from the field early in games amidst another unstoppable performance by the running back, the carbon monoxide was already affecting his cognitive ability. If games were 4-hours long, he might have died. Surfas subsequently suggested that McCarthy should have been removed from the sidelines at the very first sign of his ineptitude. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Squirrels Find Nut GARY, IN—Apparently it’s a down year for the NFC North and at least 8 years have gone by since the Bears had the best record in the division. Of course, the last time that happened, the Packers won the Super Bowl. Alas, the Packers have no players left on their roster from their draft 3 years ago (in the year they are supposed to have their biggest impact), and only a couple others are still on the roster from Ted’s drafts since then (reference speculation regarding Thompson’s rapidly declining mental health), plus the Packers had to start 5 rookies this year. According to former Packers Defensive End and Super Bowl champion, Sean Jones, an NFL team should expect to lose 3 games for every rookie they start. From that standpoint, the Packers did ok. What is most unsettling, though, is that the Bears actually won 1 of the 2 games against the Packers this year, albeit after McCarthy was already fired and with 4 experienced starters out of the game due to injury (plus the starting running back was lost to injury in the 1st quarter). All that said, the Bears were lucky to win. If it wasn’t for Rodgers inexplicably missing two wide open touchdown passes on separate drives, the Packers would have trounced the Bears again. It is laughable and sad that sports-talk show hacks like Jim Rome (Click on Link) make outrageous overstatements like “watch out for the Bears in the playoffs” … yeah, right … that guy is dumber than Stephen A. Smith! (Click on Link) The Bears will be 1-and-done unless they are fortunate enough to host the other shitfuk team from the North, Minnesota. Even the lowly Vikings could pound the Bears, though, before being pummeled by…anyone. So, congrats, FIB’s, enjoy your 15-minutes of fame, and then prepare to scrape the bottom of the North for another 8 years as your team’s executives fight over who deserves credit the most for winning the division in 2018, and how they can save money by playing hardball with players’ contracts, etc. etc. See you again in 2026 or so, you douche bags. Disgusting Trubisky Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom CHICAGO — Appalled by a blatant lack of hygiene by the so-called leader of their offense, Chicago Bears players were reportedly horrified Wednesday that their disgusting quarterback Mitchell Trubisky had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the locker room lavatory. “That’s so gross — I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said rookie linebacker Roquan Smith, noting that Trubisky had done little more than sprinkle some lukewarm water on his ass and dry off his cheeks with a paper towel before joining a mandatory team meeting. “It’s so unsanitary. He didn’t use soap at all, and I also got the sense that if I hadn’t been in the bathroom at the same time as him, he wouldn’t have cleaned his ass at all.” Smith added that he would be sure to use plenty of Purell on his own ass if he came into contact with Trubisky. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground At this time of year, the Badger Underground would like to remind you that it’s not the gift that counts, but it's who you’re with that really matters… It’s the thought that counts. Merry Christmas! YOU’LL NEVER SETTLE FOR A BORING, WOOD-SCENTED FIRE AGAIN ADVERTISEMENT-For more than a million years, mankind has been attempting to improve upon the simple fire. We’ve tried burning different things like sticks or leaves or various incriminating documents. We’ve tried making fires last longer. We’ve even figured out how to turn them into different colors. All of that experimentation, all of that innovation, well, it was stupid. But now it has culminated into this amazing product: Coach’s Lambeau-scented FIRELOG! Made with partially recycled materials and imbued with the unmistakable, mouth-watering aroma of Johnsonville’s secret brat recipe, and special Kingsford briquette aroma (plus a hint of stale Busch Light), the Coach’s FIRELOG finally puts to rest the age-old dilemma, “How can I make this fire a hundred bajillion times better?” This one-of-a-kind FIRELOG is the result of countless hours of research and development since we had this idea tailgating at the Bills game. Pick up Coach’s FIRELOG today -- it's a GREAT STOCKING-STUFFER! (wink wink, nudge nudge) ... and you’ll be wondering how you were ever able to enjoy a fire that didn’t smell like the Lambeau Field parking lot. Quantity: One (1) 5-Lb Coach’s FIRELOG. Limit (1) per Customer, limited quantity while supplies last. .
SOLD OUT Hey, it's better than Coach's last invention... We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game The Jets lead the all-time series 8 wins to 4 by an average score of 18.8 to 17.3… But, we are on a 2-game winning streak – in 2010 we beat them 9-0 in the Meadowlands and in 2014 we beat them 31-24 at Lambeau. That last one at Lambeau was a fun game. We got down 14-0 early and then mounted a big comeback. Tramon was on our team then, yes, same guy who is on our team now, and he had a big pick on Geno Smith! Jordy was on our team then, yes, same guy who is not on our team now and is playing better in Oakland than Jimmy Graham is with us, he had a big TD! We got up 31-24 and it looked like the Jets tied the game late, likely pushing the game to OT….but wait! Marty Mornhingweg, he of Lions fame, Called Timeout! No TD, no OT, Pack wins. Coach’s favorite part? Marty M was not the head coach, it was big mouth Rex Ryan! Heading into this weekend, Rodgers is legitimately dinged up enough to sit out of the game (maybe even sit on IR for the balance of the season). There are two arguments for him to play:
A counter argument is that the Packers have allowed the fourth-most sacks in the NFL with 46, so it should be no problem for the Jets pass rush to build on a strong Week 15 performance. New York sacked the shifty Deshaun Watson a season-high six times this past week, including three from Henry Anderson and a sack from Jamal Adams. Another legitimate argument is that, if you want DeShone Kizer to be at-the-ready to play well enough to win at least half of the games he starts next year if/when Rodgers goes down for a coupletree weeks with a bad knee or collarbone, then he will need live experience with teammates against 1st stringers (and coaches will need tape of it) to get him to be a very successful backup for a Super Bowl team. Rodgers vs. Darnold is an intriguing matchup, but here’s why I’m betting the Packers will sit Rodgers for the final two games of the season and it’ll be the DeShone Kizer show… Rodgers has said he expects to and wants to play the final two games of the season, but the Jets have already gone from 3.5-point underdogs to 1.5-point Vegas favorites this week, with only 44% of the money on the Pack. The new line is more-or-less the same as the historical stats. If you look at the 2018 season away games for the Pack, and the 2018 home games for the Jets, the Pack would be a 1-point favorite. Sit an “injured” Rodgers and insert Hundley Kizer and you can see why the Jets are favored. Mason Crosby continues to shine now that he’s gotten McCarthy fired, DeShone shows what absorbing a whole season of professional quarterbacking from the sidelines can do for a talented 21-year old, and the Packers drop another draft spot in an East Coast squeaker: Pack 24 Jets 23 JB– Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them With the decline in Aaron Rodgers’ play this year (well, the last 3 years actually), common sentiment around the league is that he is NOT the Greatest Of All Time; rather, Tom Brady is. Hard to argue that point as of late…but it got Coach thinking…Who is the Greatest Packers QB Of All Time? Well, if you base it on lifetime quarterback rating, Rodgers would be the best. However, Brett Favre had the most Packers wins – which is a huge consideration, but alas he “only” won one championship and lost another (plus he lost a bunch of NFC title games); so, although he was a very durable and excellent quarterback, he is by many accounts not the greatest Packers QB ever. If you base that title on number of Titles, then Bart Starr is hands-down the best Packers passer ever – with five (same as Brady). However, football is a TEAM sport, and what if the GOAT Packers QB was unfortunate enough to be surrounded by inferior talent? Well, it turns out that guy never got to compete in a playoff game for the Packers, but he did achieve the highest non-playoff win percentage of any QB in Green Bay Packers history – a whopping 0.667 … Coach presents to you the Greatest Packers QB Of All Time: Alan Risher! Starr’s winning percentage over the most successful 8 years of his career from 1960 - 1967 was a remarkable 0.738, but over the entire span of his quarterbacking in Green Bay it was a less impressive 0.513. Equally uninspiring (compared to Risher's 0.667) are Rodgers’ 0.631 and Favre’s 0.618 win rates.
So how did such a dominant weapon like Alan Risher pave his way into Green Bay? Well, after his collegiate days at LSU, like many of the top-tier talented football players of that genre (Reggie White, Hershel Walker, Jim Kelly, Harry Sydney), Risher bolted for the USFL. Drafted in 1983 by the Arizona Wranglers, Risher was the starting quarterback for them for most of the league's initial 1983 season. That year he directed what is widely acknowledged as the greatest upset in USFL history against the league's title favorite, the Chicago Blitz (yes, the Blitz still sucked, too). NFL veteran head coach George Allen had stocked his Blitz team with NFL vets and CFL all-stars. Most media experts saw the Blitz as "NFL caliber" and thought the team would dominate the league. Some even questioned whether the Blitz would lose a game after seeing the team destroy the Craig James-led Washington Federals in week one, 28-7. The Wranglers, on the flipside, were assumed to be the league's worst team. For three quarters, the matchup between the Blitz and Wranglers played to expectations. With 11:23 left in the fourth quarter Blitz quarterback, longtime NFL vet Greg Landry, hit TE Paul Ricker with a 15-yard TD pass to put the Blitz up 29-12. After the ensuing kickoff, Risher brought his team to life. He drove his team 85 yards down the field hitting FSU Rookie WR Jackie Flowers on a 10-yard TD pass. The team successfully went for two (couldn't do that in the NFL back then), when Risher connected with University of Arizona Rookie TE Mark Keel, cutting the lead to 29-20. The Wrangler defense stiffened up and stopped the Blitz on the next series, forcing a punt. After a short punt, Risher started on the Blitz 45-yard line and quickly took the team in for another score, this one a 9-yard pass to BYU rookie WR Neil Balholm. The kick was good and with 2:48 left in the game, the score was 29-27 Chicago. The Wranglers' Defense came up with another stop and after another punt, Risher and the offense had the ball on the Arizona 42 with 1:06 to play. Risher guided the team into field goal range and with one second left Wranglers kicker Jim Asmus kicked through the game winner! The Wranglers improbable 30-29 come from behind victory over Chicago is considered by most to be the biggest upset in league history and one of that league's most important moments. The outcome of the game gave viability to the other teams in the league early in the season and told football fans that there was nothing inevitable about any USFL game's outcome. It also opened the eyes of many NFL GM’s to Risher’s talent. Fueled by their comeback win, the young Wranglers flourished. Risher started the next 4 games and led the team to a 3-3 record putting the team in a 4-way tie for the Pacific Division lead. Risher struggled in week 7 in an ugly 44-23 loss to the potent Johnnie Walton-led Boston Breakers. Risher came back the following week, though, throwing three touchdowns and playing an error free game, leading the Wranglers back into a tie for first in the division with a 24-3 victory over their Division rivals, the Denver Gold. Risher, Keel, Balholm, and Flowers would all end the season among the league leaders, but the overall team was legitimately among the youngest and least talented in the league – which was an extremely familiar situation for Packers executives at that time. Talent and depth shortfalls, the "Arizona heat", the young team collectively hitting a "rookie wall", and bad coaching are the primary factors credited with a late-season collapse of the 1983 Wranglers. Despite the team's finish, Risher would finish the season as the league's 6th ranked quarterback in 1983. After that season, the coach of the Wranglers was fired, and Chicago Blitz owner, Dr. Ted Diethrich, bought the team and switched rosters! …with the exception of Risher, who stayed in Arizona and was part of the 1984 Western Conference Champion Arizona Wranglers! From there, it was on to the NFL... Risher was a member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1985 and 1986, but then started for the Green Bay Packers' talent-less strike team in 1987, posting a meager QB rating of 80.0, but leading the team to an impressive 2-1 record! Don’t remember that? Well, it was a REALLY long time ago. In fact, it was so long ago that, two years prior, the Bears actually won a Vince Lombardi Trophy. Of course, that was their one and only and, like I said, it was 33 some years ago. That is a really long time to suck year after year and be a habitual loser. They really suck. They're bad. The Bears, I mean. Suck. By the way, Tom Brady’s career winning percentage in the NFL is 0.768. Yeah, it's the best all-time. Then again, he does get to play the Dolphins, Bills and Jets twice each year. And his coach cheats. Just sayin. It’s still pretty good, though.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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