Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: NFL players should get to douse each other in alcohol when they make the playoffs There’s no champagne in the winning locker room after a Super Bowl, and that goes all the way back to Commissioner Pete Rozelle in the ‘60s, who didn’t think it was appropriate, and made it league policy. All the way back to the ‘60s… Good old Bud Selig came to the same enlightened conclusion for baseball in 2001. He sent a memo to all playoff teams asking that champagne not be used in clubhouse celebrations, so the Arizona Diamondbacks astutely cracked open a bunch of six packs and poured Miller Lite all over each other upon clinching a berth in the World Series (good on you, Craig Counsell!). When Coach went to the 2010 NFC Championship game in Chicago, he was very disappointed that the George Halas trophy was not presented to the victorious Green Bay Packers out on the field in front of the thousands of fans who made the trip down from Green Bay to support the team. Instead, the NFL requested that FoxSports TV executives have Terry Bradshaw present the trophy to the team quietly inside the visiting team’s dry locker room. BORING. Fortunately, Coach took it upon himself to liquor-up at Will’s Northwoods Inn on Racine Street in Chicago following the game, hoping the actual players could live that moment vicariously through me … me, and a hundred or so of my closest friends that night! And, although everyone there had a great time, it was bullshit that the actual team could not spray each other with champagne and beer like baseball players do when they win and advance. Well I say times have changed. Pot is legal in half the country, so don’t tell me pouring Asti Spumante or PBR on a linebacker is inappropriate. Let’s stop pretending that NFL players are father figures on black-and-white TV sitcoms from the ‘50s, and actually show them drinking beer and smoking cigars in a locker room celebration ... you know, like Pinocchio. That’s good television, and isn't that what the NFL is really striving for these days? I'm pretty sure it is. …At least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Hooooweee! What’s not to like? First and most importantly, Coach was right. Coach said: Packers win 200th meeting. Now leading all time series 99-95-6. Coach said: “Bet the under” and the 21-13 Win over the Big Cubs was under both the official 40.5 and the all-time total of 34.3 points (hint here, 21+13=34). Coach said: 21-19 Pack. If the Cal-Stanford play by the Bears at the end of regulation had successfully crossed the goal line (1 yard short) and the 2-pt conversion point failed, Coach is right on. Man oh man, can you imagine if the Badger Band had been playing at this game? Coach said: We will win because we have Rodgers and they have Jay Turdbisquit at QB. Coach said: Pack-in/Bears-eliminated – Mission Accomplished Pack clinches playoffs with: GB win + LAR loss and Bears eliminated with: Vikings beat Chargers Coach said: The Mark Murphy inspired “cell phone light show” will be fantastic… Coach interstitial rant #1: Literally everyone around Coach was laughing uncontrollably at the non-event. For those of you loyal readers who were not in the stands, let Coach explain. Prior to the opening KO, the Packers asked fans to download an app that would sync and flash their phones with some sort of opening song. Two things really amused/irritated/befuddled Coach. 1. In-stadium WiFi is a joke. Coach has screen shots from every home game…connecting to the WiFi at Lambeau rarely happens
2. So, what may have been a cool effect for a night game was a complete non-event. There were a few morons holding up their phones, but you couldn’t see any of them because it was a 12-NOON game in brilliant sunshine. Know what happens when you try to use your phone outdoors on a really bright sunny day? Exactly. What really gets Coach P.O.’d is that the time and energy that goes into this kind of BS should be focused on improving the play on the field. Do you really think the fans will cheer louder with blinking cell phones in hand? I suggest that MM and his staff find a nearby sledding hill and stay away from the games. Speaking of sledding, snow and Christmas…let’s get to some of the burning topics of the day... Coach had a 20-something drunk guy next to him who knows a lot about Fantasy Football, but not much about actual football. With every incomplete pass he went on a slurred tirade about how Rodgers is washed up. Perhaps, perhaps-not... On 4th & 4 at the CHI 29, the Packers could have kicked a 47-yard FG to take a 3-0 lead (the smart football decision at that point). After a TO where AR made his case to Petite Fleur that Ha Ha Clinton's-Dick was in single-high-safety, and C-Dick was cheating away from Davante… And later in the game, on a play designed to go inside, AR sees that the Bears are lined up in some sort of offset Cover-2 defense. “Offset” because Clinton’s-Dick is lined up too deep. Bingo, Rodgers throws to White-Water-Jesus Kumerow. Petite Fleur admitted in press conferences this week that Kumerow needs to play more. Note-to-self: Kudos to Packer staff for getting rid of Clinton’s-Dick. He really sucks with the Bears; we got the better end of the deal with Amos. But, is Rodgers washed up like the drunk kid said? Coach says no. Yes, he holds the ball too long. Yes, it drives Coach crazy that he doesn’t just go with the play that’s called. Yes, it drives Coach crazy that he runs the play clock down to 1 or 2 seconds every play. Yes, we can debate the AR Contract 2 years ago. But...you have to look at the mistakes by the supporting cast. Here are a few of the plays that get ID’d as “evidence” that Rodgers is losing it: On this broken play many have said Rodgers should have run for the 1st and then will say he “missed” Tonyan. Kwiatkoski (#44) has a bead on AR and it’s debatable if he could have made the 1st down, but there’s no debate that AR would have taken a huge shot if he ran the ball. Good decision not to run. The “missed Tonyan” part is laughable. Tonyan is covered over and under, shaded to his right. Remember kids, a key principle in football is “run where they aint”. Rodgers throws to Tonyan’s left, where there is nobody. Tonyan turns to his right and into the defenders…leaving the drunk kid to point to AR’s decline. Conclusion: good throw, dumb route by Tonyan, dumber comment by fantasy football putz. In the clip above, my Fantasy-Football-Friend said that AR didn’t have enough arm anymore! Wow. No, what actually happened is Rodgers avoids a sack by throwing the ball away, to a place that Adams might have gotten to if he’d seen it earlier. Rodgers capability looks as good as ever, but the other guys have to help. Speaking of helping… Allison is now in his 3rd year and he entered the 2019 Season as the presumptive #2 receiver. Normally that designation requires catching the ball (this is one of two drops in the game). Next year Gootey needs to drop him. What does Rodgers have to do? Does he have to throw it and catch it? This drop by MVS was unbelievable. Catch this ball on the opening play of the Packers first drive and you have a completely different ball game. The Offense is currently ranked 14th at 23.6 pts/gm. The Offense looks pathetic after the scripted plays, and the stats bear it out. Sure, play calling is an issue...is it Rodgers or Petite Fleur? Our receivers dropped four balls and the D-backs dropped three interceptions on the day. Is the jugs machine broken or are they just not using it? Are they practicing outdoors "Belichick style" with iced/slick balls? The evidence says "no" …but Coach really hopes he is wrong about that. The dropped balls are so pervasive that it looks like a Coaching issue to me. Can we go anywhere in the Playoffs? Well, believe it or not, Coach is actually starting to get more optimistic! Why? The Defense gave up a ton of total yards, but our Offense only held the ball for 25:38. The result is that the D was obviously gassed at the end of the game and the Bears had a ton more plays (83 to 58). So maybe, just maybe we have a top 5 D if the Offense clicks a bit more. Clark also had two more sacks and the anonymous #52 got his second sack of the year. (Who’s #52? Oh yeah, Rashan Gary, our #1 Pick. I forgot about him; I haven’t heard his name on the loud speaker.) We gained three turnovers on the day and could have easily had three more. This is a formula that is maybe good enough for the playoffs. Special Teams are now officially “acceptable” in Coach’s eyes. We had more positive punt yardage, JK Scott punted well given the conditions, and we had our best KO return of the year. Best return of the year! But a detail that Coach really likes is that near the 30-yard line, Tyler Ervin switches the ball to the outside, away from the defender. Hardly anyone in the NFL does this anymore (accept if you play on the team coached by the Hoodie). Offense – snap the ball on-time, catch the damn ball, run the play called, don’t hold the ball. If Petite Fleur holds AR accountable, we can muster enough offense for the playoffs. Injuries – we must be closing in on a record for fewest injured players (Coach looked, can’t find the stat). More than anything this will help in the playoffs. Murphy happy no matter what. At 11-3, you can already see Murphy unrolling the “we had a successful season banner” and his job is safe for another year. There is no doubt that he was happy with the entertainment at the end of each Half. Great! Alexander intercepts the ball at the 10, we advance past the 20, only to get close to fumbling at almost the same spot the ball was picked. Wow. Stupid. Wow…no time on clock, close to blowing it, heart attacks everywhere... It’s been reported elsewhere that Murphy called Rodger Goodell after the game to seek a stipend for the added entertainment value. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Fox Apologizes After Accidentally Turning On Troy Aikman’s Microphone DALLAS, TX—Fox Sports issued a formal apology after a technical error led to the temporary unmuting of color commentator Troy Aikman during Sunday afternoon’s game between the Los Angeles Rams and the Dallas Cowboys. Despite both teams being stuck in mediocrity this year and this game being out of hand for the entire 2nd half, Fox forced this venue on America ignoring the splendor of the upset brewing in San Francisco at the hands of the lowly Atlanta Falcons. Each week Fox ramrods the Dallas Cowboys down America's throat like Dirk Diggler choking “Roller Girl” Heather Graham with his love muscle in Boogie Nights, and this past week was no exception. When the broadcast returned from commercial for the start of the 4th quarter, viewers were accidentally exposed to 57 seconds of incessant droning of the former Cowboys quarterback. To the horror of football fans everywhere, those tuning in were subjected to Aikman’s inane and overly optimistic Cowboys commentary for almost an entire minute before the problem was fixed. “We’ve earned the trust of our viewers by muting Troy Aikman throughout every game,” a Fox spokesperson told reporters. “However, millions of fans were understandably upset when we accidentally pressed the ‘Unmute Troy Aikman’ button on our control console.” “We deeply regret the error,” he added. “Why do we even have that button?” According to sources, Fox is experimenting with a broadcast in which fans can choose among several audio feeds during the game, including Aikman’s commentary, fingernails on a chalkboard, or a Wisconsin nymphomaniac having sex (Click On Link). The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Bears To Skip Customary Super Bowl Champion’s Visit To White House CHICAGO—In a press conference Monday, the Chicago Bears confirmed they would not be making a visit to the White House, as is customary for the Super Bowl champions. Sports commentators have been speculating as to whether the Bears would make the traditional White House appearance in the Trump era, and they've finally confirmed they will be taking a stand and refusing to visit President Trump. "After much deliberation, we have decided that visiting the White House as the winners of the Super Bowl would be in bad taste," head coach Matt Nagy told reporters. "The players didn't want to make it appear as though we are supporting Donald Trump. They believe this will be a powerful statement against oppression and racism in 2020." Other considerations the team factored into the decision included the backlash they would face from some of their fanbase, their desire not to politicize the sport, and the fact that the team has been eliminated from any possibility of making the playoffs. "It just seemed like the right decision at this time," Nagy added. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Christmas Intermission Extravaganza We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The Packers lead the all-time series with the Vikings 61-54-3, which will index up by one in the win column on Sunday. Much like the Bears game last week, Coach had some fun looking at the betting line on the game. The opening bet had the Queens favored by 4 points. There are several positives pointing in their direction:
Even with all of those stats, Vegas doesn’t trust the Queens! The empirical calculation is that the Queens are around 6 points better than us, add in 3 points for home field advantage and they should be favored by 9 (yes Coach knows that the line is set to inspire bettors). None-the-less, at 4 points, it implies that Vegas has “5 points of confidence” in the Pack. Nice, but even with those 5, we lose the game. Coach, can we win this game? Yes we can! Reason No. 1 Our Defense has a new secret weapon by moving Dean Lowry from the D-Line to Free Safety. When Rookie S Darnel Savage was out with his ankle injury, Lowry was taking practice reps in the defensive secondary. The move was primarily made because Lowry stood up so much that he was terrible at stopping the run, but he does have hands. He is also campaigning for snaps at TE in goal line packages. The Pack broke out the new formation last Sunday. Here you can see Lowry dropping into deep coverage and getting the pick against Jay Turdbisquit. Reason No. 2 The Queens always choke in big games. No joke, in this guy’s obituary a few weeks ago, his family blamed his heart failure on the ineptness of the Queens (look it up). This game is hugely important for the Packers. We control our own destiny for the No. 2 Seed and if we win-out we are still in contention for the No. 1 Seed. We always want to destroy the Queens and this game is important to our seeding in the Playoffs, but we have already clinched at least a WC spot. And, we can still win the Division with a loss to MN and a win over Detroit. However, the Queens have not clinched a playoff spot and this game is hugely important. We can’t eliminate them this weekend, but we can knock them out of the Division crown. This is basically a playoff game for both Teams, but they have more to lose, which means they will choke. Reason No. 3 Their QB is Kissing Cousins Coach asks, is there a limit to how many times in a Season you can invoke Yogi Berra? In a Déjà vu-all-over-again game, exactly like last week, this one will boil down to which QB plays better, and we have the better guy. The historical O/U total is 41.2 and the first game total was 37. Expect this one to be close with turnovers and twists and turns. Bet on the Pack to win, to cover the spread (as they do as much as any team in the NFL this year), and to limit total game scoring to 38 points, which is under the 46 O/U for those of you needing help with math. Packers 21 Queens 17 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Back in the day, coach occasionally hung out peripherally with the party crowd in high school. Hey, when you’re a head banger, once in a while you find yourself in life's fast lane. Which brings us to this week’s former-Packer tribute: defensive lineman Donnie Humphrey. His weekly performance on the field was far from Hall of Fame consideration, but his partying reputation was legendary. Donnie was always the big kid growing up in Madison City, Alabama. He earned a football scholarship to Auburn University, and anchored the defensive line for the Tigers in the early ‘80s. Good team? Yeah, you could say that… Kevin Greene, Gregg Carr, Bo Jackson … any of those Hall of Fame names ring a bell? Of course, the Packers drafted “the other guy” Donnie Humphrey to address their need at defensive tackle. But before he got to Green Bay, Donnie spent his free time burning the ganja at Auburn with none other than Charles Barkley. How do I know that? He said so. You see, not me of course – but a guy I know, once rented a room at a hotel outside of Green Bay to party (this was before there were Airbnb party houses); and it turns out Donnie Humphrey regularly did the same. Coincidentally, on this particular night, it was the exact same hotel. Well, one party eventually spilled over into the other, and before you knew it the 2nd floor at the Holiday Inn looked like the inside of Jeff Spicoli’s surf van. And, to make a long story short, a very high 300-lb Packers defensive lineman shared how he and Sir Charles would roll fatties down in Auburn, Alabama. Donnie Humphrey was drafted in the 3rd round by the Packers in 1984 and played in Green Bay for three seasons. In that time, he switched between defensive tackle and nose guard, splitting time in the middle with Charles Martin. He started every game as a rookie, and was best known for his winning one-on-one situations. Coach really appreciated his rookie effort on Sundays. In 1985, however, he went into rehab for cocaine abuse (shocker), which contributed to an ever-growing weight problem (pun intended). Packers head coach Forrest Gregg ran out of patience and cut Humphrey in May 1987 after he didn't follow an offseason nutrition program and reported for offseason workouts at 335 pounds. In 1994, he was sentenced to seven years in prison for forgery after stealing a check from an Auburn, Alabama office and cashing it to pay for crack cocaine.
Sadly, Donnie passed away 5 years ago near the Mexican border from an “unspecified brief illness.” He left behind a daughter, Tasha, who plays in the WNBA (whatever that is). So today, party monger Donnie Humphrey, we salute you! Too bad drugs ruined your life. The End.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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