Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: If the NFL wants to get rid of helmet-to-helmet contact, get rid of helmets. I’m glad the NFL is trying to reduce repetitive head trauma. It seems like there are terrible consequences some players must live with long after they’ve left the game. Sorta like getting lung cancer 20-years after you’ve completely switched to heroin. But I digress… An easy way to prevent repeated, intentional helmet-to-helmet collisions is also a simple way … just get rid of the helmet. Nobody “speared” before helmets were worn. The spherically-shaped plastic helmet became a new weapon on the gridiron, long-since embraced by league officials under the guise of player safety; yet, there are no statistics that confirm NFL player head injuries are less common or less significant since the leather cap was replaced. Look at other physically engaging sports like rugby and Aussie-rules football ... they don’t wear helmets, and you don’t see their veterans eating TV dinners through a straw. There is, however, mountains of evidence that the helmet’s symbiotic roommate, the facemask, has substantially reduced broken noses and loss of teeth. Coach is starting to wonder if this whole helmet thing is really just a smoke-and-mirrors support frame to protect the marketability of pretty-boy faces in the NFL. That’s where the big bucks are made, after all. Perhaps the NFL and Player’s Association have been focused on the wrong target. Instead of making it more difficult to cause brain damage when getting hit in the melon (which paradoxically enables an increased frequency in harder blows), perhaps they should simply figure out a way to protect teeth and noses while wearing a leather cap. That would result in real tackling, reduce the frequency of cranial compressions, and preserve handsome mugs for the cover of Gentlemen’s Quarterly. …At least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme 23-10 Win, overcoming: ✅ ViQueens Humpty-Dump-II Stadium Crowd ✅ 3-giveaway deficit in 1st Half ✅ Poor sportsmanship by the Queens We are now are: ✅ NFC North Champs ✅ Locked-in for at least one Home Playoff Game ✅ Controlling our Destiny for No. 2 Seed ✅ Legit contenders for No. 1 Seed {Seachickens need to beat Niners at Seaturd Bowel Stadium on Sunday Night} In addition to the win, the Packers held a team-building event at Vikings Commemorative Gallery on Monday afternoon. This event is held by the Packers every decade in reverence to the evolution of these historic NFL franchises. Poor sportsmanship? That’s the Vikings, alright… Point 1 … the ViQueens were so worried about the outcome of the game, they “Packed-in” 502 more people than the fire code permitted when they realized that their Stadium holds 14,000 fewer people than Lambeau. (Recall the snow caving in the roof of Humpty-Dump-I Stadium in 2013? Well, the Minnesota morons built Humpty-Dump-II in 2016 with a capacity of only 67,157. Lambeau is unquestionably a bucket-list destination for all football fans. The Humpty-Dump? That is on no one’s bucket list.) Point 2 … the Coaching Staff of the Queens is now teaching poor sportsmanship. After a play is dead you either have to give the ball back to a referee or leave it on the ground where it has been downed. If any other player moves it away from the convenience of the referee it is an automatic 5-yard delay of game penalty WTF? Point 3 … poor sportsmanship comes from the top. Cousins is a bad QB who just got his ass kicked and his 0-8 MNF record extended to 0-9, but compare his handshake with Rodgers to that of Zimmerman. Coach was right to point out last week: “Even with all of those stats, Vegas doesn’t trust the Queens!” Point 4 … unprompted, the owner of Nicky’s, a renowned Packer Bar in De Pere asked Coach “Who do you think are the worst fans in the NFL?” …and then he answered his own question with “the Vikings.” Coach went on a mission over the last month asking several random fans the same question. Result? 100% said Vikings. The Minneapolis and National Press had this to say about the game: “Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins fell to 0-9 on ‘Monday Night Football.’ The more he struggled, the more he was booed; the longer the Vikings struggled, the louder the “Go Pack Go” chants rang through the stadium.” “The majority of the announced 67,157 in attendance — a record for a Vikings game at U.S. Bank Stadium — had long since filed out on Monday night, save for a group of several dozen Packers fans who congregated above the tunnel in the stadium’s southwest corner. They chanted ‘Go Pack Go’ …” “Not since the 2018 season (and never for the Vikings’ biggest rivals) had the stadium felt so friendly to a visitor. The Vikings entered the day as the NFL’s only undefeated team at home, facing a Packers team that hadn’t won in the building in three tries...” Pretty frickin’ great for the Pack and thier faithful, and for Aaron Rodgers who very publicly pronounced it was sweet to get a win where he had been jeered after being injured in 2017. It’s official… …Detroit is pathetic …the Bears Suck …the Vikings are just bad people and their fans worse. And now to the Game… On 3rd & 5 at the Packers 30, on the 3rd play of the game, Aaron Jones fumbled and ViQueens took over on the 10-yard line. Right out of the gate it felt like Oct. 15th, 1984. In that game, the Packers fumbled on the first two offensive plays and the Broncos returned both for TD’s, the only time ever in NFL history that the D opened with two scores in two plays. The Packers turned the ball over 3 more times, but otherwise controlled the game in a 17-14 loss. OK…now you are smarter. The Defense Little did we all know how much Za’Darious Smith was pissed-off about being snubbed for the annual NFL Probowl joke. The Queens got 5 yards on 1st down and then on 2nd down ZDS went off. Take a close look at this one… …Preston Smith (91) drops into a short zone coverage, Dean Lowry (94) and Tyler Lancaster are in coverage as well and ZD Smith comes barreling in for Cousins. Does he intentionally throw at FB CJ Ham’s feet? I dunno, but it’s great to see that all 314 pounds of Kenny Clark has him covered like a DB!! After disappearing for several weeks, the Defense came back on fire, led by ZDS, who went crazy for 7 tackles, 3.5 sacks and 5 tackles-for-loss. ZDS led the day and is clearly the most inspirational leader on that side of the ball since Wood (RIP Long-Hair, in hindsight we should have gotten rid of him after the 2012 Season). We once again have a Top-10 D, ranked No. 9 at just under 20 points a game. Recall, Coach told you last week that our Defense has a new secret weapon, moving Dean Lowry from the D-Line to Free Safety. And, as it turns out, Dean Lowry is now tied for 21st ranking in “Passes Defended” over the last two weeks. Not too shabby. Unreal, anyway Lowry’s knockdown on the first play of the Queen’s 2nd possession held them to 2nd and long and eventually a punt. In a sign of just how serious they seem to be getting on D, let’s give Lowry some credit for starting to play the run better. Recall that earlier in the season, Coach called him out several times for going to high against the OL and making tackles 5-yards down field (or pulling runners into the end zone). He’s actually still a little bit high here, but give him credit, he’s stuffing the run. Way to go Deano! Also please recall that Coach told you last week the Queens always choke in big games. The Pack completely shut down the No. 5 Scoring Offense. The D was put into some bad positions by the offense and they were able to put together their best performance of the season. The Minnesota offense had 139 yards total with an average of only 2.6 yards per play. They also had just seven first downs the entire game, went 4 of 15 on third downs, and Diggs and Thielen were basically non-factors. Overall it was a dominating defensive performance. Thirdly, as completely predicted by Coach, Kirk Cousins played QB for the ViQueens. 22:28 TOP for Cousins, nuf said. He sucks, he was harassed all day and did absolutely squat. {And his back-up QB, Steve Diggs, was 0-1...BTW, How TF can his QBR be 39.6 when he goes 0-1? Ironically, Mitch Trubisky has had worse! Perhaps a topic for another episode of The Show!!!} Actually, to be fair, Kissin Cousins did have one good pass. While the pass was really good, it still should have been defended. Notice two things on this TD, Alexander doesn’t get his head around when Diggs turns his head back and secondly, he doesn’t use the big screen. Chris Carter taught Randy Moss how to use the field-level big screen to watch any play unfold and only turn his head when the ball got close. Well Alexander will learn in time and Coach is certain that next time this kind of pass will be knocked away. What about Special Teams? Yup, we got’em. They are now officially good enough for the Playoffs. AJ Scott averaged 46.8 yards punting while dropping 2 inside the 20. He pinned back the Vikings on all 5 of his punts. Ervin looks like he’s going to break a punt return for a TD and Crosby was 3 for 3 on FG’s. He did miss an extra point…there’s always something to work on. And the Offense? If Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Jones and Davante Adams are the best players on offense and the team’s only hope of moving the ball consistently (sarcasm), how on earth are they supposed to win a big game when they each have a turnover in the 1st half? (See Defense above.) Did Rodgers have a good game or a bad game? Coach lets you, the educated reader, decide. Clearly this ball is a bit late, short and behind Davante Adams. Put this one on Rodgers, this is not what we are used to seeing… And this one, WTF? For the last several years Rodgers has developed a bad habit of holding the ball too long, waiting for the home run. He hits it once in a while, but more often than not he takes a stupid sack. Let’s be clear, this is a stupid sack, the ball should have been thrown into Row 15, Seat 7. “That’s a little bit harsh, Coach.” Well, maybe. On this one AR slightly overthrows Vitale, or does he? A bit after this clip AR argues for a defensive holding call, which you can kind of see 5-yards downfield, but Coach thinks it’s a miss. I know, blasphemy! This one is probably the most debatable, but Coach thinks this is one of AR’s best throws of the game. The Packers are at the MN 1-yard line with 7 seconds left and no TO’s. In the normal camera shot the ball clearly is a bit behind Adams, not too different from the earlier INT. BUT, the pylon-cam-side-view shows that if the ball were in front of Adams, he would have been pushed out short of the goal line. Rodgers puts the ball in the only place that could be caught for a TD or fall harmlessly. Coach’s ruling? Good throw, one-second left for a FG, which Crosby kicked to end the the 2nd Qtr. Hallelujah, Petite Fleur is learning, he kicked the FG!! This is a really, really good sign that Matty is improving, too! So what the hell is going on with our Offense? We progressed steadily through the first half of the Season, peaking at the No. 7 ranking in points scored after we beat the Chiefs. Everything seemed to be on-track with the predictions from Rodgers and LaFleur that the Offense would be a work-in-progress throughout the year. But then Davante came back. The first four games of the Season we had the 20th ranked offense, scoring 21.3 points a game, then Adams got hurt. For the four games he was gone we actually had the No. 2 ranked offense, scoring 32.5 points/gm. Since he’s been back, we are in the bottom 10, scoring only 19.7 points/gm. Cause or effect? Coach doesn’t know, Coach doesn’t care. But it’s obviously not Adams’ fault; rather, it’s a combination of Rodgers and LaFleur not calling and executing the plays as well when Adams is suited up, AND, we’ve had a ton of dropped balls. In tiny stretches the Offense has looked good, so we all know it’s possible. Maybe the best news out of this game is that we won a game with a -2 turnover differential and ARod’s worst passer rating of the year: 68.3. Coach is convinced this is one of those games that McCarthy would have lost. So how did we win this game? Aaron Jones. According to Aaron Jones, Anthony Barr harassed him after his fumble, saying: "The lights are too bright for you. Get off the field. You're sorry." That definitely got me going," said Jones, who has run for 339 yards and five touchdowns over his last three games. As you can see in the chart, he definitely got stronger as the game went on. Aaron Jones also dominated the Vikings for the Season, his 2019 totals for both games are: 46 carries for 270 yards, 5.9 yards/carry avg and three rushing TD’s. In the NFL this year teams are 80-9 when having a +2-turnover differential, and the Queens were 3-0 this year with +2. Are we good or are they bad? Coach thinks we’re good. In the three possessions following turnovers, the Queens had 37 yards on 11 plays and 10 points. This is the only game we’ve won this year with a negative turnover differential. The only reasons this game was remotely close for more than 1 quarter were the turnovers. Other than that, the Pack controlled this game from start to finish. GB had more first downs, GB was better on third downs, GB had more total yards and more yards per play, more plays, and GB dominated time of possession. Pick a stat and there is a good chance the Packers dominated it. 10-3 Vikings at 13:31 in the 2nd Qtr and then 20-0 Packers rest of the way…Coach is starting to believe that this is a team that can win in the Playoffs. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Chiefs Lose Helmets, Nearly Forfeit Game Foxborough, MA—A couple of weeks ago the Kansas City Chiefs visited Gillette Stadium and beat the New England Patriots. What you might not know, however, is that they almost had to forfeit that game! Just hours before kickoff, the Chiefs realized some of the team’s equipment had accidentally been shipped 4-hours away to Newark, N.J. So Riddell, the company that makes the Chiefs’ helmets, reached out to a local source for help: Masconomet’s Elizabeth Warren High School athletic director Joe Swanson. When he heard his phone buzz early Sunday morning, Swanson let it go to voicemail. After 15 seconds, the phone buzzed again. It was the representative from Riddell and Swanson eventually answered, not knowing the entire AFC playoff picture might've hung in the balance. “There's a big snafu. I need to get down to Masco, and if it's possible could we use your helmets for the game?” It was as good a match as Riddell could find on such short notice. The Chiefs wanted their new gear to look as close to the original red and white arrowhead as possible, so Masco’s helmets seemed like the perfect fit. The only difference being the Masconomet high school has an “FP” inside its “Fighting Pocahonti” arrowhead, and the NFL Chiefs have a “KC’ inside theirs. Swanson phoned a school janitor to allow them to take as many helmets as they needed to help avoid a forfeiture. The Riddell rep showed up shortly thereafter -- with a state police escort. Those similar-looking helmets were collected and they showed up just in time! But so did Kansas City's missing equipment bags, with time to spare. So we'll likely never know how much cranial damage can be done when high school football helmets are used on the extra-large heads of NFL players. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Fan Wears Mahomes Jersey To Troll Team CHICAGO—The national Sunday Night Football audience enjoyed the splendor of the Bears’ suckitude as they experienced another beat down; this time at home, at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs. It wasn’t easy for Bears fans who long for a quarterback as dynamic as Kansas City's Patrick Mahomes. The fact Chicago could've selected the 2018 NFL MVP in the 2017 NFL Draft doesn't make it any better. That’s right, Bears GM Ryan Pace traded UP from #3 to #2 with San Francisco to snatch Mitchell Trubisky from the arms of the two other main quarterback-needy teams, the Kansas City Chiefs and the Houston Oilers. Of course, MitchDog1 is feeding near the bottom of QB rankings this year (again), while Kansas City’s Mahomes (#9 overall pick in 2017) and Houston’s Deshaun Watson (#12 that same year) are in the top five. However, there's at least one Bears fan who's taken it upon himself to change history. This football fan created a custom Bears No. 15 jersey with Mahomes' name on the back. Looks real, doesn’t it? But this is the Bears we’re talking about, so that's the closest they’re ever gonna get to actually seeing a good quarterback in one of those jerseys. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground BU Rose Bowl Preview Rose Bowl participants have decended upon California to prepare for the Grand Daddy Of Them All. Here’s an early look at the best from both sides, and some inside information about the event… We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Don’t expect to see too much of whatever this is on Sunday… It will be the 181st meeting of the Packers and the Portsmouth Spartans since the two teams first met on November 2nd, 1930. The Pack hammered the Spartans that day 47-13, a rivalry that the Packers are leading 100-72-7, with an average score of 21-18. The once-proud organization has never won a NFC North Title and last won the NFC Central Division in 1993, and has had only 8 winning seasons in the 26 years since. The 2019 Season has been a dumpster fire for the Spartans. They started strong, but peaked in Week 3 with a 2-0-1 record and it’s been downhill since then. The Packers beat them in Lambeau in Week 5 to even their record at 2-2-1, revealing their annual evolution into Pussy Cats, and they’ve since slid down into the nadir of Smelly Cats. It’s hard to hate a team that is so pathetic. It’s hard to generate any emotion beyond bemused and sympathetic… Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Current Coach – Patricia, Matt -- was hired away from the Pats where he was the Defensive Guru under Hoody. Like most protégé’s of Hoody, it turns out he is not so hot on his own. He is now the 20th out of 28 Lions Coaches who have had losing records and has done nothing to wash away the stench of losing. Ironically Wayne Fontes is known in Detroit as their “last good Coach” (because of the NFC Central Title), and he had a losing record!! What has happened? What caused the Lions to go through more QB tryouts (11) for 2019 than the Bears tried Place Kickers (9)? Starting QB Matthew Stafford has been a perennial “good” QB and has had a ton of money thrown his way, but he got his spine cracked in game 8 this year. Jeff Driskel replaced him for 3 games, his 0-3 stint ended with him on injured reserve suffering a hamstring injury. Coach understand hammies. Trust me. It’s hard to find a QB that can do all the tasks on the field that Stafford was asked to do. The Smelly Cats have now entrusted that position to David Blough. Blough’s first game was on Thanksgiving when he feasted on some errant Bear coverages early in his record-setting first quarter. After that he was erratic with a number of throws and he finished 22 of 38 for 280 yards and two touchdowns. He threw a late interception on a desperation final pass and eventually lost to the Bears. With his 0-4 record and 68.8 passer rating so far, he seems like a perfect QB for the Lions. Coach can’t believe the Lions will settle for that in the offseason, though. Heck, they are already combing the streets of Detroit for tossers. A few weeks ago the Lions signed their 10th and 11th quarterbacks of the year, adding Kyle Sloter off the Arizona Cardinals' practice squad and signing Joe Callahan to their own 10-man taxi unit (yes, our former Joe Callahan). So what about the game this weekend? Well it has “trap game” and “let down” written all over it. But Coach trusts the veterans on the team to kick ass, take names and not let the younger players look past Detroit…they did that already this year against the Chargers and got toasted. Rodgers and LaFleur are sick and tired of all the “Is Rodgers washed up?” talk … look for the Pack to light up the Smelly Cats and repeat the first “slaughter at Portsmouth” Packers 47 Smelly Cats 13 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Of all the great men who have donned the Packers jersey over the past 101 years, the least likely guy who made it big is probably Carl Wafer. Carl was selected out of Tennessee State in the 2nd round of the 1974 NFL draft by the Denver Broncos and shortly thereafter ended up on the Packers squad as a Defensive Tackle. That year, he roomed platonically with Packers 15th round draft pick and future Bears head coach, Dave Wannstedt. Wafer was the 4th of only 16 players to where #78 for Green Bay (the last being Jason Spriggs, RIP). That number isn’t cursed, per se, but it hasn’t really ever been close to retirement either. The most famous Packer to where #78 was probably Ezra Johnson, and the most talented was probably Ross Verba. The most championships by a player wearing that number for the Packers was 2, by both Norm Masters (’61-’62) and Bob Brown (’66-’67). But Carl Wafer only played 1 year for the Packers, and like most players on that 1974 squad, he pretty much sucked at professional football. And like most NFL players, he eventually moved on to another career outside of football; and for Carl, After Eight Thin Mints was his calling. No surprise, the former D-lineman had a sweet tooth that enabled his nearly 280-lb frame and drove his interests toward the confectionary industry. In 1975 he bankrolled his NFL wages to purchase a majority share of the After Eight candy company in Hertfordshire, England. Then, in 1983, Carl’s big break came when his product was featured in Monty Python’s hit movie The Meaning of Life. Shortly thereafter, his company was bought out by global powerhouse H. Nestlé for, ironically, $78 million. Not too shabby for a shitty defensive tackle from Tennessee, eh? Carl Wafer has not been heard from in over 35 years and no photos of his existence remain anywhere in public distribution, but he is rumored by TMZ to be alive and well in the Spanish Canary Islands off of the West African coast. So jealous. And so it is right and just that we salute you today, Carl, and your Wafer thin mints!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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