Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Training camp Kool-aide tastes like shit… It comes down to this: every beat writer attending training camp practices this summer sang in chorus how the Defense was elite (“Top Ten, maybe Top Five by all accounts!”), and the Offense was “slightly behind” the Defense in training camp because of the teeming talent and experience on the other side of the ball. To the naked eye of the Packers / Com / Report / Acme / Cheesehead / Wire / Central / Total / Dairyland / News correspondents, the Offensive and Defensive starters were head and shoulders above the scrubs LaFleur trotted out for preseason games. Boy oh boy, just wait for the regular season! Sure, the wide receivers need a little time to gel with Rodgers, but that Defense will stem the tide until the Offense is playoff-ready! The only thing left in question was the Special Teams but, hey, now there’s a fired head coach out there running things who swears at Amari Rodgers and calls Special Teams the Wefense! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Fast forward to 7pm CDT on Sunday. As it turns out, the Special Teams appears to have taken a step in the right direction (maybe from 32nd place to ~29th ish?), the Defense is mediocre and the Offense sucks. We can’t rely on local beat writers to give us an objective assessment of Packers talent because they are at worst shills for Mark Murphy and at best homers who believe Murphy’s 3 deputies can do no wrong. Too bad nobody else in the media is any better. …at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Remember this one from last week? Well now he has lost three in a row … so in the famous words of Vince Lombardi, “what this hell is going on out there”? Whadda a disappointing Opening Game … we had it in our hands and dropped it … oops, too soon? It’s not fair to put the whole loss on Christian Watson, the guy we traded up for in the 2nd Rnd of the Draft. But he did drop the ball, something he was known for (hey somebody had to replace MVS). LF/AR said after the game that they cooked up the opening play on Friday … but couldn’t they have thrown it to Romeo Doubs, they guy who killed it all through Camp and Pre-Season? You want a summary for the game? The ViQueens were ready, and we were not. Coach can think of no better play to summarize the whole game … Rodgers threw a half-assed block at Zilarious Smith and got pummeled into the ground. Oh, you want more? You got it. We have the number one D! You heard it all summer and so did Coach! And what is the key to playing good Defense? Throughout his legendary coaching career, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has historically taken away the opposing teams' best player on offense. That plan has been replicated, tweaked and continuously evolved going back 34 years, when he first took over as defensive coordinator of the New York Giants in 1985. And who is the ViQueens best player? Justin Jefferson. And how do you do that? One thought might be to shut him down by using the guy that we paid $30 million in guaranteed money to deny him the ball. Alas, no. D Coordinator Chuck Berry played zone D the whole game and Jaire Alexander was only on JJ for a few plays (Jaire held him to zero yards and drew an O-Pass Interference penalty). Coach, what do you mean by zone? Well Jimmy, it’s where we have Linebackers like Quay Walker (above) and Lineman like Preston Smith (below) try to cover Jefferson. Coach, is that a smart way to cover Jefferson? Well Jimmy, no, it is a fucking dumb idea. JJ is among the best receivers in the League and Jaire said before and after the game that he wanted to cover him … so the ViQueens just ran JJ away from Jaire. Wow… Coach, please, please tell me more about this mysterious Zone Defense. Jimmy, Zone D is something you probably learned in 4th Grade Co-Ed P.E. It’s where you stand there and let girls dribble into you. Sort of like Square Dancing. Apparently, Coach Chuck Berry needs more than just Training Camp to teach Zone Defense. Even Adrian Amos, our best Safety, was completely confused. Criminey. On to Run Defense. It also doesn’t help when Jarran Reed, your big free agent signing of the offseason, decides not to play on about 50% of the snaps he’s on the field. The situation is 7-0 ViQueens and this play is just after we got stuffed on 4th & Goal. We need a 3-&-out to get back in the game; Reed is #90, hand on the ground in the pic above. Reed is blown out of the hole so fast it’s hard to see him in the clip above. If you watch him carefully, you’ll see ends up being pushed to the ground about 10-yards away from the hole. Simply disgusting. Fat and lazy is no way to go through life son, and it certainly doesn’t help the D-Fence. We have plenty of better D-lineman behind him (see also: Heflin, Jack … trash-can-full-of-dirt). This guy either needs to start playing or get cut. Moving on to our lack of Offense. Coach can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that Melissa McCarthy flew in last week for a special coaching session. However, we all saw the reversion back to “Bad Erin”, the run-around-and-buy-time-before-making-a-long-throw-down-field-guy, that got Melissa fired. Erin Rodgers clearly does not trust LaFleur and his 2022 Teammates. Time and time again he held the ball too long and took sacks. One for a fumble above and another for a sack below. What is particularly irritating is that the Vikings run more-or-less the same Offense and made extensive use of pre-snap motion to confuse the D. You may remember we did this very well in 2019 & 2020 … Erin actually said during the last off-season that he doesn’t like it … oh for F’s sake … he keeps saying things that make you want to trade him. If he would just shut up and run LaFleur’s system … OK Coach, let’s get back on track here. Using your best Seinfeld raised voice, say “Newman!” with Coach. Not having Bakhtiari and Eglington Jenkins was a real problem, particularly when RT Newman (top of clip) was a sieve and Rodgers is holding the ball for too long. Running Offense Analysis On the road? Hostile environment? Rookie Receivers? No. 1 Receiver injured and out for the game? Defense not holding up very well and you want to control the tempo? Two premier running backs? You run, right? Un-fricking believable. Just like Coach said we would, we had a very effective running game! WE AVERAGED 6.2 YARDS PER RUNNING PLAY! The problem was that Aaron Jones & AJ Dillon only had 15 carries in total ... with Jones only getting 5. Remember Coach also predicting: “You can bet that the Packers will run right at Zilarious …. A-LOT!”? Down 7-0 we finally got the Offense going on our 3rd Drive and we went 79 yards on 9 plays … and on the 10th we only we needed 6 more inches to tie the game. But we did not run at Zilarious! Instead of running at Zilarious we ran away from him, and Z was part of stopping Dillon. Compare the 4th-&-Goal stuff of AJ Dillon with the AJ Dillon TD clip below. Look at AJ’s first step, a little stutter to the right, and see how Z bites on it (he’s #55 lined up at right DE, outside Yosh Nijman on the left side). Because he crashes in toward the stutter step, he ends up getting washed inside and ends up on the on the left hashmark and out of the play. It’s the opposite side of the Deebo Samuel clip we looked at last week (from last January’s playoff loss), but exactly the same problem for Zilarious. Classic Zilarious piss-poor “contain” on the outside. Give AJ credit for smashing into the endzone, but if Zilarious does his job he would never have scored You want some positives out of the first game? No. 1 We no longer have the worst Special Teams in the NFL. We returned kicks, made an extra point new punter Pat O’Donnell had a great day (while dodging a couple of very-nearly-blocked-punts). So, we’re at least #29 or better. Yeah! No. 2 – OL Rookie Zach Tom came in for a concussed Jon Runyan and looked really, really good. And … LT Yosh Nijman and Center Josh Meyers were good. Assuming we get Bakhtiari and Jenkins back soon, we should have a damn good OL. No. 3 – Rookie ILB Quay Walker looked good and he’s only going to get better as the year wears on. No. 4 – Fourth Rnd Rookie WR Romeo Doubs had the most catches among that group (AJ Dillon had one more than Romeo’s 4). Yeah, we almost cudda won … it’s a process … it’s a learning curve … yadda, yadda… … all loser talk … we lost. Period. Time to get better against the Bears. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up NFL Hoping 3rd Year Of 'End Racism' Painted In End Zone Will Do The Trick NEW YORK, NY — After two seasons of fighting the evils of racism through the act of painting words on fake grass, the NFL is hoping a third year of "End Racism" painted in the end zone will finally do the trick. Executives for the NFL voted unanimously this past Spring to fight racism with the powerful phrase spelled out in end zones for the third year in a row, confident that it will make a lasting difference. "This is the year that the NFL ends racism, once and for all. Third time's the charm!" said a smiling Commissioner Roger Goodell at a press conference while surrounded by a dozen other old, white members of the NFL executive committee. When asked by a female reporter "How, exactly, will painting 'End Racism' in the end zones end racism?" the commissioner responded by pointing at the young professional and screeching, "Racist!" The journalist was summarily pummeled by a mob of other sports journalists in the name of ending racism for good. Goodell then suggested the mob bring her to a livestock watering trough to test if she is a witch. Though the success of the NFL’s turf-PSA campaign cannot be denied, a spokesperson for the executive committee acknowledged that the board was still on the fence as to whether or not they would seek to help their star players next year by writing "Stop beating your girlfriends" on the 50-yard-line. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof ‘Madden’ Glitch Lets Player Win Super Bowl With Bears REDWOOD CITY, CA—Following outcry over an issue that was negatively affecting gameplay, developers of Madden NFL 23 told reporters Thursday that they were working to fix a glitch in the game that lets players win the Super Bowl with the Chicago Bears. “We strive to make Madden as authentic as we can, so we’re naturally disappointed that we let something as obviously unrealistic as the Bears’ 2022-23 roster winning a championship slip through our playtesting process,” said EA Sports spokesperson Maya Woodruff, adding that the glitch first came to their attention when a Reddit user posted a screenshot of the Bears beating the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl with the caption “WTF is the wrong with this damn game??” “After looking into the problem, we saw that it affected many of our users, whose enjoyment of Madden was rudely interrupted when the game allowed something that, to put it mildly, would never happen in the real world. Unfortunately, addressing this glitch is taking longer than we’d like, as it is also present in the franchise mode, where it is still an issue because the Bears have no realistic chance of winning the Super Bowl at any time over the next several decades. With a roster led by guys like Equanimeous St. Brown, Lucas Patrick, and Jarred Field, it may be difficult to understand how an algorithm could glitch so badly as to let that team win a Super Bowl, but mistakes happen. At best, the Bears could conceivably win four or five games. We at Madden regret the error.” Madden developers also apologized for a separate glitch in the game that caused 49ers QB Trey Lance to be able to complete passes. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Vito’s the game--Wazzu wins and we got Coug’d From BUD (Badger Urban Dictionary), updated September 10, 2022: VITO (v)
Here at BU, we are wondering why young Vito had that far-away look in his eyes. It was almost as if he was doing a coupla two tree beer bongs and a one hitter at a frat on Breese Terrace before the game. We are perplexed how he nailed 55 yarders down the middle in warm-ups and then choked later. Vito, you are this week’s poster child of the ineptness of the entire Badger squad on Saturday, who seemed unprepared, need better game planning and more creative in-game adjustments. Let us explain. This is the 3rd "WTF is going on?" loss as a huge favorite in 5 years, i.e. >17-point favorite. Although we at BU think rankings are a crock, this game probably drops us out of the rankings for the entire season unless we win at OSU or MSU. In between drive-killing penalties and turnovers, the offense actually moved the ball relatively well and controlled the clock as well as you could ask for. But scoring some points woulda been nice. Bucky had 4 "good" ball controlling drives that resulted in zero points. Mertz had some great completions in tight windows, spread the ball around, and made a bunch of throws on third down. We were not hard to figure out, running basically the same play 60-70% of our running plays. Hand or toss the ball off to the left side of the line, pull both guards and look for a cut-back lane. Washington State loaded the box and all went right almost on the snap of the ball. They knew exactly what we were doing. We never countered this. (Hello Bobby and Paul!) We never snapped the ball with less than 12 seconds left on the play clock. No urgency. We were like, "We’re better than you and we can run the same play over and over again and you will eventually get tired." In an unsettling fashion similar to the end of the FIB game in Champaign a few years ago, we allowed Wazzu to gain three first downs and bleed the final 5:14 of the game without putting up much real resistance. Does this mean Wisconsin won’t win the national championship this season? For you remaining hold outs saying, “Ohhhhhh man! You guys are gonna look so stuuuuuupid when Mertz holds up the Quick Lane Bowl Trophy!”, we shall see what happens on the field in coming weeks. We suppose there is technically a chance. On the bright side, unless you were delusional enough to think the Badgers were going to playoffs, this loss is totally meaningless. But it pisses you off nonetheless. We still see this team as the heavy favorite to win the Big Ten West and a team that (if they can tighten up all 3 phases) can hang with any team on the schedule, other than OSU. Who knows? Maybe this will be like the 1999 squad that went in #9 to Cincinnati, lost disgustingly, lost to Tom Brady & Michigan at home the following week, then proceeded to spot Ohio State 14 points on the road and run off 35 straight points to win that game, beat Drew Brees & Purdue at Camp Randall, win the Big 10 title and win the Rose Bowl against the Cade McNown-led UCLA Bruins. In the meantime, on to the New Mexico State Game… We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Only in Chicago can a Bears win over the Niners in Week 1 be the secondary story!! Coach assumes that the loyal reader knows this already, but Soldiers Field is the only NFL Stadium that is managed by the Chicago Parks & Rec Pickle Ball Department … not kidding here, this is actually true. https://media.giphy.com/media/suEPw98UTFAq34XBRw/giphy.gif Hey Bears!! The City of Chicago, Bears Fans everywhere and the entire NFL are laughing at you. There is no imminent threat to Mensa that the Soldiers Field ground crew will be petitioning for membership … they are still trying to figure out how to run the chalk machine and won’t have time to apply. As of this writing it is still unclear if it was raw sewage or sanitary napkins that plugged the field drains … https://giphy.com/clips/storyful-football-nfl-bears-dK3wdo2arwwNGuD1PC … all Coach knows is that he does not recommend playing in contaminated water. No wonder the Staleys are threatening to move out to the Dog Track in Arlington Heights. OK … so they beat the Niners last week … big deal, the Niners QB Trey Lance was so bad that he made Bears QB Jason Field look good. The Niners outgained the Bears 331 to 204 yards and averaged 4.8 yards per carry … but they had two turnovers and the Bears got lucky on a couple of long passes. Hey, one of the TD’s was to Equanimeious St. Brown … one of the guys we cut in the off-season. On to our game! This Sunday will be the 205th meeting of the Green Bay Packers and the Decatur Staleys, with the good guys ahead 103-95-6 and a staggering ½ pt. lead in the average score all-time. Coach started wandering about who has won the most games overall? It turns out the Staley’s are ahead by one win, but they have been in the NFL a year longer and they have played 24 more games than us (in the early years Halas cheated and scheduled more games each Season). Well, no matter, we’ll be tied in all-time wins at 783 after this Sunday and we will still be comfortably at the top of the NFL all-time win percentage rankings. As reported last year, the McCaskey’s sold the franchise to Aaron Rodgers and he has owned the Bears 24-5-0 during his tenure. Get ready for a nice and symmetric 25-5-0 after this weekend. Let’s get a bit more specific … why will we kill the Bears Sunday? They have no Run Defense. The Bears were giving up yards in big chunks… … like this big gainer for 16. Expect the Packers offense to do the right thing this week and had off the ball A Jones & A Dillion Great 29 yard run by Aaron Jones in the 3rd Quarter last week (including a great pancake block by Cobby on LB Jordan Hicks!) They have no QB or Offense. Chuck Berry and the D will get their heads out of their respective asses, and you are going to see … … a lot of why Jason Field will never be as good as Jordan Love. Let’s get ready for some fussball at Lambeau. Coach sees a big win on SNF! Packers 24 Bears 13 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Do you know who kicked the winning FG in the Packers first appearance on Monday Night Football (the big game of the week, prior to Sunday night football)? Yeah, Coach didn’t either. Dale Livingstone kicked the winning field goal in the team's first ever appearance on "Monday Night Football". His 14-yard FG with 3:39 left in the game gave the Packers a 22-20 victory over the San Diego Chargers on Oct. 12, 1970 at San Diego. He was signed by the Pack as the kicker for the 1970 season and led the team in scoring that season with 64 points. He made 15 of 28 field goal attempts was and 19 for 21 on extra points. He also punted six times for a 33.2 average. After football he was a teacher and coach in the Freedom Schools (near GB) … but unfortunately he was snatched away at the tender age of 63 with heart trouble in 2009. (RIP) Kicking the winning FG was quite a feat, but good ole Dale is much more interesting than that and he inspired a new feature that Coach is calling … “Didja know dat?” (DKD) … DKD … Dale attended Western Michigan University on a tennis scholarship? With no experience, Livingston was noticed at a kegger where he was seen kicking 70-yard punts in dress shoes. Former WMU Broncos head coach Bill Doolittle recalled "this guy walks into my office and he's kind of built like a pear. When I first looked at him, I was like, 'Holy mackerel, this guy will never be able to help our program”. Livingston immediately connected on a series of 30- and 40-yard field goals and 50-yard punts and became the Broncos all-time leading kicker and punter. Amazing right?!? Coach agrees with you, who the F wears dress shoes to a kegger? DKD … Livingstone has his own IMDb page? Pretty impressive … and a little weird … looks like his “filmography” are all self-posted YouseTube clip[s of him playing football … but what the hell, why not? DKD … Livingstone was the actual inspiration for George Carlin’s “Seven words you can’t say on television?” If you don’t understand the reference then go look up George Carlin … he was one of the funniest comedians and social commentators of the 20th Century.
Enawaze … after Dale kicked a win on MNF the Pack went to 3-1 on the 1970 Season. By Week 12 we had fallen back to 6-6 and headed off to Wrigley Field for a Week 13 game against the Bears. Wrigley, like Milwaukee County Stadium and other baseball stadiums hosting football, had both Team Benches on the same side of the field so there was plenty of interaction between opposing players during the game. Dale made his only FG attempt in the 1st Qtr., but unfortunately we were down 28-3 at the start of the fourth. After his 2nd successful extra point brought the Pack to within 17 – 35 of the Bears, a frustrated Mr. Livingstone crossed paths with Bears Middle Linebacker Dick Butkus on his way back to the bench. A smart-ass comment from Butkus prompted an inspired retort that included the full list of words that were forbidden on television … and George Carlin, who was in attendance that day, eventually captured them in his comedy routine: Feces Fornication Urine Vagina Rapscallion known for Maternal Fornication Fellatio … and … Tater Tots. And Tater Tots doesn’t even belong on the list. And now you know! We salute you Dale Livingstone for enriching our culture…
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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