Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Well, it was quite an opening weekend. Coach barely could muster a 6-hour tailgate leading up to kickoff, after the all-day pre-concert parking lot party before Steve Miller took the stage outside Lambeau Field on Saturday. Of course, Coach was in the front row and, I must say, I hope I can rock like the Space Cowboy did when I’m 74 years old! Great time and a great warmup for the inevitable beat down of the Bears which followed Sunday night. Create a seam here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Coach is assuming you don’t live under a rock, so you already know about the Miracle Comeback. Coach is assuming that you are paying attention and have already heard that the Packers were 0-111 when trailing by 17 entering the 4th quarter (that’s according to ESPN, Coach recommends that you independently fact-check that one). Coach is assuming that you watched the game and know that the 7 to 8 point favorite Packers quickly transformed into significant underdogs, with odds as long as 18-1. Coach is assuming that you noticed Rodgers was forced out of the game in the 2nd quarter by DE Roy Robertson-Harris and just minutes later Deshone (but-you-can-call-me-TJ-Rubley-for-short) Kizer shot-putted a screen pass to Khalil Mack for a pick-6 that put Chicago up 17-0 right before halftime…proving yet again that if you are a below average talent, you should do exactly what the play called for and not try to be a hero. (Coach has described TJ in previous years so he won’t repeat, but click here if you need a reminder.) To be fair, McCarthy NEVER should have called a pass play on that 3rd-and-a-mile nor on the play before that with the Packers being buried so deep on the field with no reasonable amount of time left on the clock for Kizer to matriculate the ball down the field. See also, every Coach Clarahanson Show!!! from last year when McCarthy did the exact opposite of what any reasonable professional football coach would do in the waning seconds of the 1st half. At halftime, with Rodgers' return officially questionable, oddsmakers at New Jersey sportsbooks DraftKings and FanDuel had the Bears listed as giant -3,300 favorites to win (bet $3,300 to win $100). DraftKings reported that around halftime a dipshit Bears Fan risked $2,000 on the Bears to win at -3,333 odds for a chance at around a $60 profit -- only to cash out for $1,838.28 six minutes later. Clearly stupid, but not as stupid as most Bears Fans. So, what did happen? Let’s jump in the way-back-machine and see what Coach made as last week’s prediction: Because the Bears suck and had the worst Offense in the NFL last year, nobody noticed that the defense was solid. They were 10th in yards allowed and ninth in scoring defense. Now add arguably the best defensive player in football to that mix. Fangio is going to focus on the run first and then harass AR with lots of stunts and twists and try to put the Bears in the same position as the Niners. Akiem Hicks is a very good 3-4 defensive end, but Hicks isn't the sort of player who can take over a game. Mack is—and now that he's in Chicago, the number of double-teams Hicks will see in the upcoming season just fell to approximately zero. With Hicks and linebackers Roquan Smith and Danny Trevathan, the Bears have the foundation for a decent front seven. The only way Turdbiscuit can do anything this Sunday is if the D forces three-and-outs, turnovers and returns kicks to inside the Packers 15-yard line. Which is basically what happened. If you adjust out the “Kizer Effect” from AR’s injury, the score would have been 27-16. Dang, Coach is smart. What happened is exactly what Coach was afraid of, Chicago’s DL focused on shutting down the run and literally beat the tar out of the Packers’ OL. Fer shure Mack was a beast, but the real story was Akiem Hicks, shown here sacking Rodgers in the 1st Qtr after simply pushing Justin McCray out of the way. McCray had a couple of holding penalties, but really the whole OL just could not control the Bears front 7. Mack was the first player since 1982 with a sack, interception, touchdown, forced fumble and fumble recovery in one half. The last guy to do it? Hall of Famer: Lawrence Taylor. We’re lucky A-Rod didn’t become the next Joe Theismann. So, what did “I’m one of the most successful coaches in the NFL” McCarthy do to adjust to this force of nature? Nothing. In Marcedes Lewis we have one of the best blocking TE’s in the NFL, an obvious choice to play at a wingback or fullback position, motioning into a blocking position to help the OL. And? He had exactly 7 offensive snaps on the night, all but one with Kizer. Where was Lewis when 300# Roy Rodgers twisting AR’s knee with Mack? He was on the bench watching, much as you can see Linsley, McCray and Bulaga doing in the photo below. Kizer was of course pathetic. But to be fair, Rodgers was doing very little in the first half...holding the ball and running around…only to come back on one leg and throw a game for the ages in the second half. (Well, maybe a quarter for the ages.) But we won and now we have to see how his leg heals during the Viqueens week. We’ll take the W, but there were some real concerning things to take away from the game. The biggest problem was that we had our asses handed to us on both the OL and DL. Packers’ run game opened with two nice runs but was otherwise pathetic. We only totaled 69 yards running, 54 from our RB’s. The reverse was true for Chicago, their run game was very effective against us with a 5.1 yards/carry average and a total of 132 yards, with some very nice scrambles by Turdbiscuit. We are only one week into the season, but the Defensive stats were very concerning. You no doubt have heard the praises for Poutine’s mid-game adjustments, but Coach isn’t drinking the Kool-aide just yet. The Packers are still doing way too much tackling by the D-backs…causing Coach to shout “Fire Capers” throughout most of the game. We’ll give Poutine a few more weeks before getting too concerned, but this lack of DL tackling is not a good start. And maybe to Poutine’s credit, after Turdbiscuit’s first two series he really did nothing passing the rest of the game and ended up with a 77.2 Passer Rating. Da Bears actually dominated in time-of-possession, rush yards and turnovers, so it’s a little hard to explain why we won. It was almost a reverse flashback to the 2014 NFC Championship Game with Seattle, but in this case the Bears were in command at 2:42 to go they had a win probability of 97%. This difference is that we have peg-leg Rodgers, we had a rally by the whole offense and some really good defensive play by the Packers. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Browns Fail to Lose Home Opener Cleveland, OH – “The weather was a huge factor” said television analyst and former Wisconsin Badger and Browns all-pro lineman Joe Thomas regarding the outcome of game. “If it wasn’t pouring so hard all day, for sure the guys would have figured out a way to drop this one to the Steelers.” Much of the blame also falls onto fellow Wisconsin Badger and current Pittsburgh linebacker TJ Watt, who could only generate 4 sacks and a blocked field goal Sunday afternoon. Following the game, interim Browns QB Tyrod Taylor implied that he doesn’t intend to give up the starting job in Cleveland to the number 1 overall draft pick, Baker Mayfield, without a fight. “I know my performance today didn’t live up to the fans’ expectations, but given another opportunity I’m sure we can fall behind far enough in 60 minutes of regulation to ensure a loss. Heh-heh, no need to bring in the rookie just yet.” Conversely, Browns GM John Dorsey was purportedly beside himself after the game ended in a 21-21 tie, lamenting that half of the League’s General Managers have already moved in front of him for 2019 draft picks. “We’ll be back in the running for first place [2019 overall draft pick] before the leaves start falling – you can count on that.” New NFL Safety Rule Requires Players To Be Careful NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injuries, a new NFL safety rule requires all players to be careful this year. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that players not taking it easy would be subject to 15-yard roughing penalties, retaliatory fines, and a mandatory four-game suspension. “Football can be a little physical sometimes, so we want all players to just exercise some caution when blocking, tackling, or doing pretty much anything on the field. When it comes to safety, we’re really all on the same team.” Proponents of the new measure claim additional benefits will result beyond just player health, such as more parity across the League resulting from an extra 15-yards and a fresh set of downs whenever a shitty quarterback on a shitty team gets touched. Griffin III Looking to Start for Vikings in 2018 Baltimore, MD – “It will be a comeback for the ages.” Robert Griffin III confidently assured us as he fired a proverbial shot across the bow of his former Redskins replacement, Kirk Cousins. Seeking a bitter, strange twist of fate, the 3rd string Ravens QB is predicting he will soon supplant the man who took his job in Washington 4 years ago. A Week 1 game day scratch for the Ravens, Griffin muttered “I hate that sonnbitch” as he served us sandwiches in a Linthicum Heights Subway restaurant. “I can’t even bring myself to work at a Cousins, but I had a really nice interview here. Every time I ask ‘Do you want that toasted?’ I see myself diagramming a screen pass to Delvin Cook in the huddle or throwing a game winning pass to Stephan Diggs.” Griffin believes the Packers defense will return the favor to Minnesota in Week 2 for Anthony Barr knocking Aaron Rodgers out of most of the 2017 season and, if that does transpire, he’s willing to walk away from his veteran-minimum contract in Baltimore for a tryout in Minneapolis. At press time we had not yet received a reply to our voicemail request for comment from Vikings football operations personnel. However, the Ravens personnel department did return our call, saying “Whatever.” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Admit it Bears fans, you may have considered it, but you never ever truly believed at any point during the game Sunday night that the Bears would win. Your $140 million man was gassed in the 4th quarter, when ours was just getting warmed up and picked him apart. Randall Cobb blew right by him and ran down the middle of the field for the game winning touchdown (sound familiar?). It sucks to be you. Your team sucks. It just does. Go back to Loserville (don't forget change for tolls) and prepare to battle for last place with the Lions (again). Here’s a feel-good story about a Bears fan that taunted the crowd at Lambeau Field, and then got punched in the face -- by reality… In typical punkass fashion, a particularly obnoxious Bears fan (see below) felt the need to scream at Packers fans after every play in the 1st half of the game Sunday night as if he alone was in charge of taunting the state of Wisconsin at the behest of the Chicago Bears organization. It was a classic example of Bears fans being unfamiliar with success, and how to handle even a minuscule dose of it. The climax of his classless display was when he cheered for Aaron Rodgers getting injured, sarcastically interrogating “IS IT HIS COLLARBONE!? OH NO, IS IT HIS COLLARBONE AGAIN? HA HA!” Then a sweet, elderly fellow from across the aisle in a Bart Starr jersey hobbled over and confronted the behemoth figure, pointing up to his face and threatening “If you cheer again when a player gets hurt, you’ll be leaving here on a stretcher!” Everyone laughed and cheered in support of the geriatric gentleman. This of course only egged the Illinois idiot on. It turns out he bought a ticket for himself and his brother – it was his brother’s birthday. So, fast forwarding, the Moron of the Midway ends up getting a visit from security at halftime, and is sequestered to remain in the concourse (away from his brother) until the start of the 4th quarter. (Meanwhile, classy Packers fans appropriately golf clapped as Bears player after Bears player staggered back to their sideline after suffering a game-stopping injury.) Needless to say, when fatty was allowed back, he clearly felt shamed as he slithered in to join his brother again with his tail between his legs. The best part, NOT ONE Packers fan gave him “the business” … which would have been very easy to do, and just. He was visibly puzzled that nobody taunted him as the Bears started imploding and Rodgers picked them apart over and over again until they lost (I guess that would be the appropriate thing to do in Illinois?). The befuddled FIB grasped that nobody gave any merit to him or what he had to say, no matter how loud and bothersome he was in the first half. He couldn’t even produce enough of an impact to get a single retaliatory jeer from any of the hundreds of Packers fans he offended in the crowd. So, pathetic BEARS FANS, you are just another sad reason that the Bears still suck. Oh, and EAT ME. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Wins by 31, Drops in Polls Middleton, WI – The Badger coaching staff did the right thing by limiting their passing formations and resting the starters at the end of Saturday’s blowout, though one could argue that repeatedly running Jonathon Taylor up the gut well into the 4th quarter could come back to haunt them as the conference grind takes its toll. They were rewarded by dropping in the rankings to 6th. Go figure. It is too early in the season to get too worked up about this. We know the beauty contest ranking method is crap. We, along with Iowa Hawkeye fans, wish the Iowa State ‘Clones well as they attempt a repeat of last year’s away shocker win over the #5 Sooners. Anyhoo, Bucky spotted New Mexico 7 points when the defense decided to take the first series off, yielding an 87-yard opening TD drive. For good measure Butter Finger Taylor put the ball on the ground near the goal line to keep the game painfully close in the first half. The game plan was plain, white vanilla all around. The passing game was kept under wraps, with few passes being thrown in the vicinity of receivers not named Taylor. After the opening drive, the D settled down and looked like they were playing against a 3rd string QB. Nevertheless, the current crop of stud LB’s are coming around with Van Ginkel, Edwards, Baum, Connelly & Orr leading the disruption. Loudermilk’s return was noticeable. His playmaking threat allows Lyles & others around him to be more effective. DL depth had been a strength over the last 3-4 years, stoning the run, snuffing out opponent comeback attempts and keeping O-linemen off our playmaking LB’s who now draw NFL paychecks. We are dangerously thin at DL and DB. Any injuries in those two areas could prove costly to meeting this season’s high expectations. This week we play BYU again, this time at home. There is every indication, including the 21-point Vegas spread, that this will be a blowout. Coach Kalani Shittake sounds positively resigned to defeat with comments like, “They are stronger. They actually have guys that started against us last year that are now back-ups.” The Cougs QB, Tanner Magnum, is touted to have the most prototypical quarterback name, but other than that does not look like much of a threat (22 of 41 last week against the Cal Bears). He likes to wing it, hopefully providing pick opportunities for our developing ball-hawking secondary. Speaking of former Packers back up QB’s from the Bears, where is Jim McMahon now? It is actually not a happy story as Jimmy Mack suffers the lingering effects of NFL concussions and hard hits (#CharlesMartin). He is a medical marijuana card-holding member of the class action lawsuit against the NFL for negligence in its handling of concussion situations. Among Mack’s maladies are early onset dementia and memory loss. Bristling at the thought that those symptoms are somehow connected to football, Roger Goodell suggested that the real culprit is decades-long marijuana abuse dating back to 7th grade. “With that dominant Bears offensive line, nobody laid a finger on that punk McMahon throughout most of his NFL career. McMahon was a stoner in 7th grade, a stoner in high school, a stoner while at BYU and a stoner punk with the Bears. The Charles Martin hit would have never happened were it not for McMahon’s weed-induced state of relaxation and delayed reaction time which caused the Packers interception in the first place and prevented him from reflexively and aggressively pursuing the ball carrier.” Look for little impact from BYU’s top RB Squally Canada, who sounds more like a weather phenomenon bearing down on Ishpeming. He’s averaging 75 yards a game. He had better get those yards early, before the Badgers defense (along with their offense) awakens from yet another un-focused slow start to a non-conference game. With this game being broadcast by ABC, Paul Chryst will be less tempted to trot out the vanilla play book and save the trickery for Iowa. Look for Bucky to air it out a bit more with DD3 as a decoy, AJ Taylor looking good and Neuville back on the field. Barry Alvarez nephew Jake Ferguson has emerged as possibly the best TE pass-catching threat. Look for them to pick on porous Dayan Ghawoloku who is noted for chasing faster WR’s into endzones on blown coverages. Our prediction Bucky 45-Cougs 16. In other news… following Tuesday’s preliminary hearing during which sexual assault charges against Quintez Cephus were not dropped, the case will move forward and it is appearing much less likely that Cephus will play this season. We're Gonna Kick Your A$$ – predictions for the upcoming game OK, before we get to the details, let’s just acknowledge that Gutey was swimming upstream in trying to build a roster for the 2018 Packers. The Pack have been a “draft & develop” team for the entire Ted Thompson regime, so the most important players on the roster should be those players in their 3rd & 4th seasons (meaning they are still on Rookie Contracts and affordable so that you can pay high priced players). Coach had a look back at the players draft in 2015 (in their 4th season now), 2016 and 2017. This may be too complex so pay attention: Green=Good Yellow=Average NFL Player Red = Wasted Draft Pick Out of those three drafts, Coach can only come up with one “Green”, Blake Martinez. While he has been pretty reliable, he’s an AJ Hawk style over achiever and could be a “Yellow.” (Of course, any of these are debatable, and I welcome a well-thought challenge to them over a bottle of New Glarus Stone Soup, but directionally these are fairly accurate compared to the rest of the League.) Let’s give Gutey some early credit in 2018 for an improved Roster. The most important moves were bringing back Joe Philbin at Offensive Coordinator and adding Mike Pettine at Defensive Coordinator. We'll need them doing their thing to beat the Queens, and here's how it will go down... Courtesy of Ioppolo Sports Information Service (ISIS), we see that MM only ran “12 Personnel” (1 RB, 2 TE, 2WR) on 20% of the plays in the Bears game. A related point is that McCarthy will not be so stupid as to limit Marcedes Lewis to only 7 offensive snaps again, as he will motion Lewis in the Wingback-Fullback zone and provide some extra blocking against the Purple Penis Eaters. Also, 1. The Vikings are over rated. Last week against the 49’ers they were outplayed, but they won because the Niners were Plus 3 on Turnovers (including two for TD’s) and the Niners only put the ball in the EZ on four Redzone Trips. 2. They can’t change who they truly are (Click On Link). In a recent interview on Viking TV, Randy Moss said “I was loyal to the Minnesota Vikings. I was loyal to Coach Green and the organization,” Moss said. “… what I do know now, I’d have probably gotten out of there my second year.” 3. They are barely tougher than their stadium microphone holder 4. Their fans hate us because they are envious 5. We play at Lambeau and Coach will be there 6. We have Mike Poutine (DC) and Joe Philbin (OC) to counteract Mike McCarthy 7. And…. Coach GUARANTEES an Aaron Rodger’s start Book it: The Pack will win in a tight one, 24-21. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Congratulations to Arland Oarcio from Weyauwega, the winner of last week’s Hot Body, Weird Face contest. Arland correctly chose Kimberly Guilfoyle over other vote-getters Sarah Jessica Parker, Kirsten Dunst, and Jennifer Lawrence. For his winning entry, Arland got to select the JB dedication this week for a Packers player with ties to a memorable Vikings moment, and he selected “Anyone from 1961.” Why (you might ask)? Well, Arland, being the smart feller that his is, knows that 1961 was the year of Lombardi’s 1st of 5 NFL championships, AND it was also the year when the Minnesota Vikings joined the NFL (57 years ago, 42 years after the Packers, all with ZERO championships to their name. By way of comparison, the Packers have 7 NFL championships since then, or roughly 1 every 8 years). It also happened to be the year when the NFL lengthened the season to a whopping 14 games, so there’s that, too, just FYI. You can quiz your weird brother-in-law on that one over the holidays when he brings up a dumb conversation topic like the fuel efficiency differences he’s noticed with his Hyundai Sonata since he started varying the content of ethanol in his gas. But I digress... So this week we pay tribute to the great Center of the 1961 Green Bay Packers, number 51, Jim Ringo. The Chesapeake, Virginia native was a 10-time pro-bowler during his 15-year playing career. Holy crap! No surprise, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1981. Ringo was relatively undersized at 6 feet, 2 inches and barely 230 pounds soaking wet, but cat-quick at executing difficult cut blocks. He was Offensive Captain of Coach Lombardi’s 1st two NFL championship teams in 1961 and ’62. He subsequently played for the Philadelphia Eagles (1964-67), and received the distinctive honor of being chosen on the NFL’s 1960s All-Decade Team. And, if you ask me, he also looked a little like Rudy from that Notre Dame movie. Although Jim Ringo only lived to be 75 (1931-2007), he was a very durable performer, once holding the NFL record for most consecutive games played (183), including 126 with Green Bay. If he was suiting up against the Vikings this Sunday at noon, he would be tough enough to get the job done. Let’s salute him by giving those purple pansies a good old fashioned ass whooping on our home turf!
PS Milwaukee fans, please fight the urge to cheer loudly when we're on Offense (especially on 3rd down), and don't leave early to beat traffic... You live in Wisconsin for chrypes sake; with a noon kickoff you'll probably still make'er home in time for supper, en so?
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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