Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Matthews Caught Kissing Cousins, Packers Kiss Sister I know – that headline, much like the outcome against the Vikings, turns your stomach. Hey refs, what ever happened to home field advantage? While I’m sure Vikings fans are basking in the glory of a tie with the Packers, Green Bay fans feel like they took a gut punch loss because of numerous bad calls that cost us a decisive victory (more on that later). I couldn’t help but think back to when I’ve seen this level of blatantly bad refereeing before – back when I was a child, when I watched All-Star Wrestling every Saturday night at 10:30 on WLUK TV-11 (and/or the repeat episode Sunday morning at 9am when I was “too sick” to go to church … it came on right before that local polka show with all the old people dancing – no, not Lawrence Welk, the other one … the WLUK one recorded in Francis Creek). Anyways…. That was the GREATEST show on TV ever (the wrestling show, not the polka show). Remember these guys? Andre the Giant, “The Crusher”, Bobby “The Brain” (aka “Weasel”) Heenan, Hulk Hogan, Wahoo McDaniel, “The Claw” Baron von Raschke, Big John Studd, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Sgt. Slaughter, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and the tag-team duos of Greg Gagne and Jim Brunzell ("The High Flyers"), Adrian Adonis and Jessie “The Body” Ventura ("The East-West Connection" and -- yeah, Ventura later was also Minnesota's nut-job governor, too, but that's just a coincidence), Pat Patterson and Ray “The Crippler” Stevens, and Ken Patera and Jerry Blackwell ("The Shieks")! That was AWESOME. But the referees were “in on it” so my heroes would always win, except when they occasionally faced the bad guys in a non-televised live "title" match at the Brown County Arena that I would go to using my paper route savings. …remember the a cage matches? Again, AWESOME. But I digress… So why were these refs in Green Bay acting like Dallas refs during a Vikings game? Coach did some digging, and guess what I found… Did you know that throughout the 1960’s and 70’s, the AWA’s television production was headquartered at Minneapolis independent station WTCN? In fact, according to “High Flyer” Greg Gagne (and son of AWA promoter Verne Gagne) AWA All-Star Wrestling was the 2nd highest rated program in St. Paul behind only 60 minutes. And, remember, there were only 3 channels back then so pretty much everyone watched 60 minutes. …and there weren’t any hot chick wrestlers or pyrotechnics back then like WWE has today. At its peak All-Star Wrestling earned a 25 rating and a 64 share. THAT’s why the refs were in on it. Same shit today? You decide … I’m just sayin, I know what I saw last Sunday. Oh and, by the way, modern-day WWE Chairman Vince McMahon is now promoting his own professional football league, the XFL, which is slated to begin in 2020. Hmmm… Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme A tie, how frustrating, let’s re-cap: Fran Tarkenton threw a 5-yard game-tying touchdown pass to Ahmad Rashad with 10 seconds left in regulation, and the Vikings and Packers finished in a 10-10 overtime tie in Green Bay as the teams remained deadlocked for the NFC Central Division lead. The Vikings' Rick Danmeier blew a chance to win the game when his 21-yard field goal attempt sailed wide to the right with four minutes left in the sudden-death, 15-minute overtime period. The game ended in a tie after the Packers' Chester Marcol kicked wide to the left on a 40-yard field goal try with 17 seconds left in the extra period. The Vikings forced the overtime when Tarkenton, who was held to 35 yards passing in the first three quarters but finished with 199, completed his scoring pass to Rashad, and Danmeier kicked the extra point for a 10-10 tie. Rashad made a leaping catch over CB Mike McCoy. The Packers nearly scored on the last play of regulation when Aundra Thompson caught a 59-yard pass from David Whitehurst at the Vikings' 6, but was tackled by safety Tom Hannon. Wait a minute, sounds like last weekend’s game, but I guess that one was Nov 26th, 1978. After losing to the Vikings later in the year, we finished 8-7-1 and missed the playoffs. OK, here we go, this must be the right game. Matt Flynn provided a spark off the bench as the Packers battled back against the Vikings, but the comeback couldn't be completed in overtime as the teams fought to a 26-26 stalemate. The teams traded field goals to begin overtime, with the Packers' Mason Crosby hitting a 20-yard kick on the opening drive and the Vikings' Blair Walsh answering with a 35-yarder to extend the game. Neither team could get into scoring position again as the game ended in tie. Flynn replaced a struggling Scott Tolzien to fuel a 17-point run in the fourth quarter and send the game to overtime. Trailing by three, the Packers drove 60 yards in the final 2:27 of regulation and Crosby hit a 27-yard field goal to send the game to extra time. Huh, what? Oh, that was November 13th, 2013. That 2013 team also finished 8-7-1, made the playoffs, and then lost a Wildcard game at home to the Niners (20—23). So how are we going to finish this year? Good question, the two previous times we tied with the Vikings we ended up 8-7-1 ... and, at 0.5-point differential after 2 games and a 1-0-1 record ... we are right on track for 8-7-1 again. All is not lost, even on a bum knee AR has the Pack at exactly No. 10 in the offensive points per game category. In the coming weeks we will get into the EZ instead of drop-kicking 3 pointers and will easily climb into the Top 5 on offense. Unfortunately, the answer to “Was it Capers’-bad-coaching or Ted’s-bad-drafting?” seems to be more the latter than the former. At this point we are a bottom 5 defense in points allowed, but more on that in a minute. The Pack is still ahead of the Queens, 60-53-3, including 1-1 in the playoffs, and an average game score of Packers 21.8 Queens 19.5 As Coach likes to do, let’s go on a complete tangent to learn you some more about the NFL! Ties used to be fairly common prior to the adoption of the modern OT rules in 1974. Since then they have been very rare, with only 24 ties between ’74 and last weekend. Humorously, renowned rocket scientist and former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb said after a tie game against the Cincinnati Bengals that he did not know a tie was a possible! As it turns out, the Packers have more ties, six, than any other team since 1974 …and…at three ties, the Packers and Vikings have tied more than any other two teams. So, what did happen… what was Coach’s prediction? What a weird game, and the first time in NFL history that teams finished at 29 apiece. How do you summarize that? Total collapse. AR said it felt like a loss. Coach was at the game, it looked like a loss. We had this game in the bag and metaphorically urinated it away… All of this agonizing got Coach really thinking about the game, so he Googled “like kissing your sister”. After several hours of overtime wading through the porn that popped up, Coach remembered that he was actually wondering “what was the origin of the expression ‘it’s like kissing your sister’ to summarize a tie game?” American’s hate “ties” or “draws”, we want a winner! But who coined the expression? Everyone has a different origin story and there are at least three different football coaches given attribution: Navy assistant director of athletics Edgar E. “Rip” Miller said “kissing your sister” in 1949, University of Kentucky football coach Paul Bryant was credited for it in 1952, and Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz was credited for it in 1953. I guess the Navy guys had been away at sea so long that kissing their sister was more positive than getting submarined by the heavyset Chief Petty Officer hailing from San Francisco. "Like kissing your sister” means something that is perfunctory, without much pleasure. The saying “like kissing your sister” has been cited in print since at least 1892. In 1918, it applied to drinks without alcohol. In the 1940s, it was said that drinking tea (instead of coffee) was like kissing your sister. But I like what George Brett said best: “If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing you grandmother with her teeth out.” We all hate the NFL overtime system, but in Cricket it’s even weirder, there’s a difference between a “Tie” and a “Draw” (look it up.) And the Swedish Hockey League has an even more complex system! They use a 3–2–1–0 point system in the regular season, where a regulation win is worth three points, a win in the five-minute sudden death overtime period or a shootout win two points, and an overtime loss as well as a shootout loss one point in the standings. But I digress… What was the proximate cause for us losing? (Ooops, tying?). Even after the egregious call against Matthews that cost us a final possession to run out the clock, the Vikings still had to drive 60 yards in just over 90 seconds to score. And then get a two-point conversion. And that’s exactly what they did. So yes, we did get screwed by the ref’s, but more to the point, we screwed ourselves. Kirk Cousins passed for 425 yards and four touchdowns, and Stefon Diggs and Adam Thielen delivered clutch catches in the fourth quarter and overtime period. They scored 22 points in the 4th Qtr. And Cousins was a perfect 9-of-9 passing for 160 yards and three touchdowns and a maxed-out NFL passer rating of 158.3 during the fourth quarter and overtime. Minnesota’s defense allowed just 12 points in the final 40 minutes of the game, including three on a possession that started at the Vikings 13-yard line. We had so many ways to win the game that it was like the 2014 Seattle Playoff all over again…the fault for losing was all on us. So what then were the real causes?
Playing through an injured left knee, Rodgers turned to quick passes quite often to prevent Minnesota’s front four and blitzers from getting to him. The Vikings still totaled four sacks and nine quarterback hits, but he was 30-of-42 passing for 281 yards with a touchdown and passer rating of 97.4. Methinks this should be Rodgers’ m.o. when his knee gets better, too. Without the constant double-teams, Jimmy Graham got going this week and averaged 15.8 yards per reception against the Vikings. The tight end caught six passes for 95 yards on eight targets. Special teams had a major impact. Not just in the kicking game, but also in the punting game. Green Bay’s rookie punter JK Scott flipped the field multiple times in this game. Scott pinned the Vikings inside their 20-yard line twice. He also averaged over 50 yards a punt and had a long one (heh heh) of 63 yards. On the other side, in punt coverage Green Bay scored a touchdown (nice hands, rookie! – Josh Jackson). That special teams score allowed Green Bay to play with a lead for the rest of the game. Mason Crosby was the Packers’ leading scorer, being responsible for 17 points, while the offense only “officially” (if we ignore getting screwed twice by the refs) scored one touchdown. And although Crosby missed his most important kick of the game (no thanks to a well-timed ice job by Vikings coach Mike Zimmer), he did make five field goals on Sunday. He will win some games for us still. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up OK, so watching the end of the Vikings game made Coach more sweaty and nervous than a nun in a cucumber patch, but let’s face it, the only reason it was so tight is because the refs were worse than France’s newest export idea, Jeff Dammer cheese… So this week’s WTF finds us in familiar territory: the NFL's idiotic rule changes and the incompetency of referees trying to enforce them. What's the matter ... Is Football bad for the NFL? And why are the Packers always the poster children for this crap (#FailMary brings back terrible refs to replace the really terrible replacement refs)? Just off the top of my head, here are a few really bad, game-deciding calls blown by the refs at Lambeau on Sunday:
Boob-Tube Distracts Packers Fans Milwaukee, WI – In an attempt to retain viewers (and distract opposing pitchers as much as possible) as the NFL gears up and the pennant race draws to a close, Milwaukee Brewers media relations executives have strategically planted a voluptuous brunette in a seat behind home plate so that she is always displayed in the upper left hand corner of your television monitor. The full figured fair maiden is situated there for every home game, in the same spot, wearing an eye-popping low cut blouse. “Yeah, normally I lose interest in the Brewers once Packers training camp starts,” admitted Hales Corners native, Mo Turbotin, “but for some reason I just can’t stop watching them. Funny, though, because I have zero interest in actually going to a game or keeping abreast of them when they are on the road. I don’t know why that is.” You'll probably recall that advertising executives began covert efforts to expose brand name products to unwitting movie goers in the 1950’s using targeted film splices, before the practice was outlawed at the behest of consumer rights advocates. “This backdrop boobie-trap just takes subliminal mind control to the next level” claims local psychiatrist Dr. Leo Marvin. “It may be perky for ratings, but I can’t say for sure if it makes the Brewers play any better.” Well, in this particular game against the Pirates, the Brewers had 2 knockers over the wall in the 1st inning and reached 2nd base 8 times in their 7-4 victory. In fact, on the play shown above, Orlando Arcia got a 2-bagger on a supple bunt! No doubt about it … there’s magic in those mammaries. Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About Roughing The Passer Brookfield,WI—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what roughing the passer is. “God, this so awkward, after the past 2 weeks he has so many questions and I can’t describe how it works,” said Dorgan, who admitted to stammering his way through an uncomfortable 10-minute explanation of what it means to drive the quarterback into the ground. “I tried bringing out a football to show him what completing the act of passing means, but I think it just confused him more. And then there was this painful silence after he asked about leaving one’s feet to make a tackle. How do you explain something as complicated and mysterious as that to your son? I wish he just asked his mother.” Dorgan added that something as important and complicated as roughing the passer should really be taught in school. Perry Takes King Under Wing Green Bay, WI – Packers veteran Outside Linebacker Nick Perry has apparently started mentoring 2nd-year Cornerback Kevin King. “There’s so much time to do fun things besides football when you’re an injury scratch each week, and I wish I had someone to show me the ropes for how to make the most of all the paid time off” said Perry. “I had no idea not playing could be so rewarding” added King. "It's really nice when an experienced veteran shows interest in you. Much of last year I was just kinda bored, mostly playing Madden and Fortnite to kill time, but now it’s only Week 3 and I’m almost finished crocheting a new afghan made completely of authentic Jamaican dreadlocks.” There’s no set timetable on King’s return to the gridiron, but the Packers confirmed on Wednesday that it likely won’t be before Perry’s next debilitating hand injury. The Bears still suck – Coach has proof Bears Fan Assumed Player Sighting Would Do More for His Popularity St. Charles, IL – After unexpectedly running into Offensive Lineman James Daniels in the Charlestowne Mall food court, local Bears fan T.R. Bobby admitted to reporters that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his popularity. “When I met the guy who backs up Kyle Long at Right Guard, I sorta felt like things would start picking up for me or something, but so far it’s been pretty quiet.” said Bobby of his brief encounter. “It’s like people hear me explaining how I approached James, asked for his autograph, and was told ‘I like your shirt,’ but then they just kinda nod upward and sorta sidestep away from me.” At press time, things were reportedly starting to pick up once Bobby emailed a picture of the autograph to his brother, Walker, in Elgin, who responded, “Cool.” Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Game Summary: BYU shows up, Bucky does not, OL wilts and Badgers lose First of all, hats-off to the BYU Polygamists and their coach Kalani Sitake. Those guys showed up ready to play and kicked Badger ass. Their defense swarmed and held our running game in check. The offense had some surprising runs by Squally Canada. They perfectly executed a trick double pass play for a TD, and the coach did the best kicker icing we have ever seen for the win. We hope they win out and are ranked high at the end of the season. Enough said. On our side, this is a setback. But, this game had zero effect on out ability to reach Indy and beat the Bucknuts or Shittany Lions. Losing now may fade in the minds of beauty contest judges come November. We may even sneak into the final four. This loss need not spell doom and gloom for Bucky, unless of course they actually continue to play like this. We know they are better than this. Was the OL affected by the heat? Maybe. Were we surprised at our lack of DL depth? Yes. Was the team overall not mentally prepared to win? Definitely. We had hoped for news on our WR Cephus this week. No news. DD3 has moved to a new place on Mifflin Street. So it’s on to Iowa. We think this will be a grinder and Iowa plays a lot like BYU. Our guys will either bounce back and kick ass, or they will not. We will see. Yes, the Hawkeyes have a QB and some tough defensive guys. Iowa’s defensive line is outstanding. With kickoff temps running 50-60 degrees below last Saturday at Camp Randall, a better performance by Wisconsin’s OL & DL should be expected. Lack of depth will not be as much of an issue for WI’s DL. WI’s LB’s should match up well with Iowa’s very good TE’s. Iowa otherwise lacks elite playmakers on offense. We doubt Nate Stanley will be as putrid as last year with 8 of 24 for 41 yards passing because our D is not as stout. We plan to be wrong on that last part, predicting a score of 21-17 in favor of Bucky. Let's hope the Badgers continue this trend!...
We’re Gonna Kick You’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game
4. We will not, repeat, will not, tie them again. 5. Green Bay Packers lead series 20-15-1 6. The Coach is Jon Gruden’s brother with a 29-36-1 Career Record (Ok, that might be a challenge for Mikey M.) 7. They have Alex Smith, we don’t. 8. The Packes waived CB Deante Burton. Who? Yeah, he was on the roster for one week, but was not active last weekend. (Oh, and we also activated Aaron Jones). 9. Poutine will get the pass rush figured out. The Pack will win going away, bet the D House: GPB 31 Foreskins 17 JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them So, what do Donald Driver, James Lofton, Martellus Bennett, and Jimmy Graham have in common? They all wore number 80, just like this week’s hero, Bob Long. Besides Bob’s cool name, he also had a cool impact on the Packers and Wisconsin lore. As it turns out, Bob Long was the only guy who played for Vince Lombardi in both Green Bay and Washington DC. Long was a muscular wide out for Green Bay in the first two Super Bowls and, although he went his deepest as a Packer, he refined his skills with the Skins before ending his NFL career as a battering Ram. While in Green Bay, Long had a drop in a game and Lombardi showed the play over and over in the Monday film session, demanding to know why his normally sure-handed flanker hadn't hung onto the ball. Long pointed out what everyone could see on the replays — a cornerback poked him in the eye just as the ball arrived. "Being blind is no excuse!" Lombardi bellowed. Sadly, Long’s career ended after only 7-years due to recurring soreness from that poke, which seemed to follow him wherever he ended up. Former teammates commented that Long occasionally became agitated after games during his final year in LA, as his normally strong performances slumped into disappointment after disappointment. Committed to turning his life around after football, Bob Long reached out to his old college fraternity buddies Dick Hertz and Red Stipfi; and, together – with Long’s pushing, they brought the very first Pizza Hut with delivery service to northern Wisconsin. Now, recall that this was back in 1973, when such exotic foreign food was a luxury in those remote parts and it was hard to get delivery boys to come. According to former Price County Controller, Drew Peacock, “It turned out to be the most exciting venture ever conducted in the county up until that time. Longy was the brains of the operation, and he had new ones popping up all over the place… in Hurley, Superior, and even Rhinelander. Oh, and we could count on Stipfi whenever things got sloppy, a real standup guy. Dick was a big part of the effort up front, but always seemed to be off in the corner doing something else.” And as you know things turned out okay for Pizza Hut, and the rural Wisconsinites who wanted their pie hot from a Long delivery.
So, before we turn our attention to DC, let’s be sure to stand up at attention and give a big hard salute to a memorable Packer, Bob Long.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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