Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Smear The Queer was awesome I’m not sure what happened to my old red, white and blue “the Duke” football autographed by John Brockington. I think it went flat. When I was a lad we used it to play Smear The Queer and make “fantastic diving catches” into piles of leaves laced with some accidentally raked-up dog doo. I saw some kids doing that same thing the other night. It was good to see. My kids asked me what they were doing. My wife said “I think they’re just trying to tackle the kid running with the football.” Then I got to thinking, why hadn’t I seen this in many, many years, and why haven’t my kids ever had the opportunity to partake in it? Then I realized it’s probably because the name is so offensive that the game was shamed out of existence. Growing up it was also known as “Kill The Man” or “Kill The Guy” (short for “Kill The Guy With The Football”). We now know that those names are no better as we dutifully recognize sensitively toward victims of active shooters and gender neutrality. Worse, they don’t even rhyme. Regardless of what it’s called, it was a healthy, psychologically invigorating activity for adolescent boys. And, I say, it was the perfect way to learn life lessons and networking skills. Did we invite-back the wussie kid that would never take the ball? Albeit with some reluctance … yes, we did! Smear The Queer was very inclusive. “The more, the merrier” we used to say. After all, perhaps he had a pool, or offered some other valued service to the neighborhood, such as occasional access to a garage refrigerator that could supply us with beer. Sometimes when we couldn’t find enough guys to play, we’d ask (beg) older sisters and other girls from the neighborhood to play along. Of course we had to invoke “girls rules” that helped in the periodic negotiations with them, meaning that when they had the ball we had to approach them with arms extended outward in a “corral” position before attempting contact, and we had to immediately abort the tackling process at the instant a girl said “give.” We were completely self-regulated, and no boy ever dared cross the line. It was still fun, though. In fact, since girls generally develop sooner than boys, those games were often a titillating variation on the game. And the post-game “showing of the bruises” provided for opportunities to hone flirtation skills that might come in handy later, should said beer fridge become accessible. But I digress... You may recall that in the guys-only version of the game there was an even more fun “sub-game” (with an equally offensive name) within the game, in which someone would purposely get the ball into the hands of the kid who typically refused it, and then everyone would simultaneously shout out the name of the sub-game and immediately take affirmative action to pile on top of that kid in a heaping helping of humanity. That, too, was awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bully, nor do I condone bullying. But Smear The Queer, or Kill The Man (or whatever other provocative names it’s had over the years), is a right of passage for a boy to find out what kind of man he’s going to be. For me, I was a little afraid I might catch the ball at first. But when it was unavoidably going to land in my hands, I clenched my jaw, held on tight to the ball and ran, juked and spun like a musky trying to shake a bucktail. Eventually I looked forward to getting the ball and boxing out bigger kids in order to catch it. In the process I and tore holes in just about every Junior High sweatshirt I ever had, but I also learned some meaningful lessons about life; like the importance establishing credibility amongst peers, you can achieve more than you think if you're determined enough, how people feel respected when you don’t treat them as an afflicted exception, real men never hit girls -- they are not punks, and if you get too cocky you can end up with face full of crumbly white dogshit. Us best-of-friends knocked the living daylights out of each other whilst our mothers remained blissfully unaware. Times were different back then, though. Throwing a football to a kid with the implied intent that everyone was going to drag him to the ground as fast and physical as humanly possible was completely acceptable. The thought of having girls in the Boy Scouts was preposterous, and Mark’s older sister Cheryl purposely (I’m pretty sure) walked slowly past us wearing a tube top and extra-short cutoff jeans just to hear us whistle and howl for her, even though she’d always roll her eyes and insincerely say “Oh, stop it you guys.” Those were the days. I wonder about those young men I saw playing together the other day. How did their game start? I imagine one kid with a football walked around to various other kids’ houses and asked the person answering the door if the kid that self-identifies as a boy who lives there could play. And likely some socially-responsible adults attempted to intervene, intending to prevent the possibility of inappropriate language and behavior of unruly children. In any event, I’m glad they overcame their obstacles, and I bet they managed to have as much fun playing the inappropriately-named game as I did. At least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Wow…2-0 after two games…and more importantly 2-0 in the Division and the Conference. Let’s not get too excited too early, but this beats the hell out of 0-2! Not to mention… how many times in the Sherman-McCarthy era did those early Season losses come back to haunt the Pack during Playoff Seeding? In 2001, the Green Bay Packers held Detroit to six points in the season-opener, then blanked Washington in Week 2. That’s the last time the Packers have opened a season as strong on defense as they have this year. And what did Coach tell you last week? OK, yes, you are right. Both wins were ugly...but they were wins and face it, Coach is a lot smarter than you are, sorry. Quit doubting the edification you receive here. OK, maybe Coach is being a little tough on you, the sensitive reader. Coach has to let you in on a little secret sauce that he applied to the game. You probably already realize that Bart Starr, great humanitarian and player, coach and ambassador for the Green Bay Packers, passed away recently. What you likely don’t realize is that Coach arranged for a powerful weapon to be unleashed upon the hapless Vikings. Cherry Starr, First Lady of the Green Bay Packers and Bart’s Wife, was accompanied onto the hallowed terra firma of Lambeau Gridiron by none other than Brent Favor, along with many former teammates and players that he coached!! (What a guy, we will never forget him, and we won’t forget Brent either.) Starr went a remarkable 10-1 in the postseason and led the Packers to five NFL Championships — including wins in the first two Super Bowls. Starr was the NFL’s MVP in 1966, was named to four Pro Bowls and led the NFL in passer rating five times. “Bart Starr was a winner and a gentleman, period,” former Bears tight end and later head coach Mike Ditka said. “It was (Vince) Lombardi’s team, but Bart Starr was the quiet glue that held the whole thing together. He was a great leader.” They also actually played a game too. Every news outlet in the land has already reported the “we went up 21-0 in the 1st Qtr and then scored zippo the rest of the way and the Defense saved our ass again.” Coach ain’t gonna repeat that simple assessment again, he gonna go deeper. Let’s start with some of the basics of winning any football game: Special Teams – We punted 8 times with a net average of 44.4 yds/punt. We kicked off 4 times and had zero/zip/nadda return yards. All three extra points were successful, and no FG were attempted. There were no negative plays for us or big plays for them on ST; and we blocked the extra point after the Diggs TD. Let’s give the guys a solid A-. Penalties / Turnovers / Time-of-Possession / Mistakes – Minnesota had more yards overall, but they had 8 penalties for 100 yards vs. the Packers 6 for 35 and 4 turnovers to our 2. We should probably give one more turnover to Mr. A. Rodgers for the incomprehensible loss of possession on downs, but in the end a Vikings penalty turned a 10-point swing into a 6-point swing (more on this further below). We also held the ball for over 8 minutes more than the Queens. Job number one in football is to keep the ball away from the other guys anyway you can, so let’s give the Pack a solid A on this front. Defense - Let’s dissect the yards allowed by the Pack. The Queens ran for 198 yards on 27 attempts for a gaudy 7.3 yds/att and one TD. But, 75 yards of that came on one rush by Derwood Cook. Excluding that gash-play, they gained 4.7 yards per carry. Similarly, they gained 230 yards passing on 30 attempts (14 completions), for 7.7 yds per attempt. However (note that “however” is a synonym to the “but” used in the previous sentence), two of those completions went for 106 yards to Don Beebe and Stephany Diggs. Excluding those two, the Queens 124 yards on 28 attempts, for 4.4 yards per attempt. Without those three explosive plays, the purple rats only had 240 yards. To be clear, Coach is not excusing the explosive plays, they definitely count, and the defense needs to adjust, but we were dang close:
We did get one gift from the new rules this year that the Refs in the video booth can “insert” penalties not called on the field. In years past this would have never been a penalty, and in an “open mic” moment, you could hear the Referee questioning the replay official about why the game was stopped….hilarious. At 1:10 in the 2nd, 1st & goal after Beebe’s long YAC, Cousins passed short middle to S.Diggs for 3 yards and an apparent TOUCHDOWN. The Replay Official reviewed the play for possible offensive pass interference, and the play was REVERSED. In the red circle above you can see Dalvin Cook Blocking Darnell Savage more than 1 yd downfield. This was part of the aftermath of the AR 4th down debacle when we should have kicked a FG. If the Refs hadn’t intervened, it would have been a 10 pt swing instead of the 6 it ended up as (-3 Packer FG plus 7 Viking TD). Offense – yes dear, we are still in the Preseason. One week ago, the Packers had minus-12 yards and no points in their first three drives. After the Bears game AR said “it can’t get any worse”. This week? Three drives, 176 yards and three TD’s. A combination of unscouted looks, scripted plays and the Queens initially playing their safeties two-high led to big running lanes and room for Davante Adams. However, by the end of the 1st Qtr Zimmerman went to a single-high safety look and started putting extra help on Davante. The net result was not pretty. Poor blocking by the guards, Jimmy Graham running like molasis, a fumble by G’Mo, a low and outside shotgun snap turned fumble and the Offense was going nowhere. First three drives, 21 points. Next 8 drives? Nothing. The Pack had 8 punts, two fumbles and one turn-over on downs. Once we got into “normal” (non-scripted) offense it just didn’t work. Was it the Packers learning the offense or good Viking defense? Don’t know, but we didn’t go anywhere. No wonder Rodgers was frustrated. The good news? Apparently Petite Fleur has a pair of cajones. Let’s back up to the 2nd Qtr. On 3rd & 1 at the Minneapolis 25, coming out of the 2-minute warning, Rodgers threw a “0” yard out to G’Mo that went for zero yards. Note: a play that is designed to go sideways is a very stupid call in that situation. Rodgers claims that he thought we had a first down, so he ran a quick dive play and did not get the 1st. (Hey, ya know what? It turns out that there are orange topped poles on the side lines that actually show the down…I guess AR didn’t know that...or he would have known that it was 4th down.) An absolutely boneheaded play that lacked situational awareness. Fast-forward to the 1st drive of the 4th quarter…it appeared as if Rodgers “version 2018” was in control. Maybe LaFleur was sending in stupid calls, we’ll never no. But what it looked like to Coach was the same-old-same-old with Rodgers. We have a lead and we’re pinned back on our end of the field….and we run 4 pass plays in a row, OUT OF THE SHOTGUN? As Rodgers came to the sideline at the end of that drive, Lafleur gave Rodgers some feedback…after watching AR flounder and check out of “the offense” in 2nd and 3rd Quarters, LaFleur let the Prima Donna have it for poor decision making…and Rodgers couldn’t handle it.. Hallelujah! To be candid, Coach has not been sold on LaFleur so far. But you know what, we may just have a coach after all. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up NFL Commissioner, All 31 Owners To Report Directly To Murphy NEW YORK—In a genius power grab maneuver to take control over all aspects of the NFL, Green Bay Packers President Mark Murphy announced Tuesday after an emergency gathering of NFL owners that he will have Commissioner Roger Goodell report directly to him for all football related matters. Coinciding with the move, Murphy also stated that he will have all 31 NFL owners report directly to him as well, thereby giving him complete control over NFL operations and all decisions made within the league. “It’s not really all that different than how things used to operate, it’s just a little clearer now that all NFL decisions will go through me. We have a true partnership in place now that will really benefit the NFL,” Murphy said following the meeting. “If Roger and Jerry or some of the other owners can’t agree on something, then they will come to me, kiss my ring, and I will work it out. I gave them my word, on the souls of my grandchildren, that I would not be the one to break the peace we’ve made here today.” At press time, Murphy could not be reached for comment on the untimely disappearance of his older brother, Freddie, who was last seeing in a fishing boat on Lake Tahoe earlier that same day. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears GM Introduces Players to New Offensive Step-Coordinator CHICAGO—After an abysmal Offensive performance in front of the world on opening night of the 100th anniversary of the Bears and the NFL, and also recognizing that they actually lost their 2nd game of the season in Denver -- before the refs gave them a couple of extra opportunities to come back and score at the end of regulation (by calling a woefully wrong penalty for roughing the Turdbiscut which the NFL later admitted was egregious and gave the Bears a 1st down on top of 15 crucial yards closer to field goal range, and then subsequently putting 1-second back onto the clock after time expired in order to enable a field goal), Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace took a moment Tuesday to introduce his players to their new Offensive step-coordinator. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you to make him feel nice and welcome,” said Pace of the new addition to the North Division’s bottom-dweller, explaining that the team may have noticed him around the practice field recently and joining in on team dinners in the past few days, and that he would now officially be a permanent fixture on the sidelines. “We want to make him a part of the Bears family. Just give him a chance, and you’ll see that he cares about you just as much as any other coach would – so I want you to give him all your attention and respect. We know you love your normal coaches, but Dale cares about you, too. That means no sass and no pranks, go it?” At press time, the Bears’ new Offensive step-coordinator had been overheard referring to several of the defenders as “a bunch of little shits,” after they got the best of the offensive linemen in one-on-one drills. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Underrated #14 Badgers Take On Overrated #10 Michigan Welcome Michigan fans, cheerleaders and Fox sideline reporters to Madison! Even Vegas has no clue who will win the Badgers vs. Weasels tilt at Camp Randall on Saturday, defaulting to the home field copout 3.5 point spread favoring Wisconsin. Good luck getting any insight from either coach’s press conferences held this week. Geeze. In lieu of subjecting the press corps and fans to any further suffering through Bill Belichick-wannabe press conferences hosted by Jim Harbaugh, the University of Michigan has enlisted the services of the early Star Trek series character, Captain Pike. In Harbaugh’s place, instead of going through the motions of answering questions, Captain Pike’s contract requires that he simply stare straight ahead, say nothing and click a “YES” or “NO” button to indicate his answers. Wisconsin is exploring version 2.0 with the buttons “APPRECIATE” and “OPPORTUNITY.” Starting with the “power ratings” cited by betting services, there are several stats that should be thrown out of any analysis of who will win this game. Michigan is 0-13 as an underdog, dating back to 2013. Going back further, they are 1-21 in their last 22 games as the underdog. Michigan is 0-4 at Camp Randall in its last four tries. The last win came in 2001. A comparable stat may be the graphic that flashed last Sunday while the Packers raced out to a 21-0 lead, stating that the Vikings were 5-1-1 vs. the Packers in their last 7 meetings. You can also throw out the Badgers 764-0 combined scoring against their first two opponents, who amounted to the NCAA equivalent of the Miami Dolphins in their level of competitiveness. Feeling good about Michigan barely getting by Army in overtime at home? Cast that aside as well. Michigan had a TE filling in for their injured left tackle, their top receiver was out with a high ankle sprain, QB Patterson was battling through an oblique injury that caused him to be very tentative running the read-pass-option offense and holding onto the ball, multiple defensive starters were out due to injury and the offense was transitioning to a new system under a new offensive coordinator. Crucial turnovers also made the game appear much closer than it was. Lastly, Army is actually a good team this year (BEAT NAVY!). Where does that leave us going into Saturday? What we will get out of Jack Coan is a big unknown, given that this is his first big start where the offense will be looking to him for more than 7 passes. As an aside, prior to committing to Wisconsin, Coan had an offer on the table from Michigan. With Cephus back on the field racking up catches and with Coan more capable of throwing (as opposed to floating) downfield and out routes, Michigan will at least have to respect our passing game more so this year than the last two years. Enter Jonathan Taylor. Despite the offense being one-dimensional in the last two games vs. Michigan, Taylor still accumulated 233 yards in those games. With all-world sack & TFL machine Rashan Gary now wreaking havoc and filling the stat sheet in the NFL (rrrrrrright), Michigan will be hard-pressed to slow down the Taylor pain train. Defensively, we hope this is not the week that Michigan’s offense figures out their new scheme. The left tackle Runyan is back. Though top receiver Peoples-Jones is questionable, expect him to play. Oblique injuries like Patterson’s are tough to come back from. It took Ryan Braun 6 weeks and a cabinet full of steroid-infused gummy bears to come back from a similar injury. Brandon Woodruff required eight weeks of recovery after straining his oblique. In both cases, they didn’t have linebackers running at them as they released the ball. We at BU think QB Patterson will continue to roll out and pass, but will not break long runs like he did last year. Outside LB speed and setting the edge has been good enough against lesser competition. Though it may get exposed by Ohio State, this week is not as much of a concern. Unlike last year’s game, Wisconsin now has a stout front seven. So how does this game play out? Coan has a Scott Tolzein-like day playing within the system, passing for 180 yards while not turning the ball over, moving the chains and handing off to Jonathan Taylor for 175 rushing yards. Paul Chryst punts at least once from inside Michigan’s 45 yard line, Wisconsin’s defense contains Michigan’s offense and the Badgers grind out head-scratching 24-17 win. Wisconsin students arrive late and leave en masse with the game in the balance following “Jump Around.” Two Michigan students are transported from Breese Terrace to UW Hospital during the middle of the 4th quarter, following inaugural (but successful) beer bong hits in the dangerous hot sun. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Reason numero uno that we will beat the Broncos is that we are going to follow the same formula as we have the first two weeks, namely: Play Special Teams at a Top-10 Level Use the D to shutdown yet another running game and make another mid-tier QB try to beat the Packers (the Ponies acquired QB Giuseppe Flacco from Baltimore in the offseason, and so far this season he has played as you’d expect…somewhere between mediocre and shitty, also known as shittiocre, as in “Bill Rabeor on The Fan morning show is great to listen to, but that Rookie guy is shittiocre”). Expect the Offense to improve another notch…maybe even score 28 points this week… With only two games played this Season you have to read any stat with a grain of salt, but to-date we are:
These are all great marks; the only real blemish is the offensive scoring is ranked 26th. As you can see in the table above, we ranked better than the 0-2 Broncos in every category shown. Why is Denver so bad? Well, average talent, a bunch of new Coaches and Joe Flacco at QB. What’s not to like? With Joe at the helm, and rookie Offensive Coordinator Rich Scangarello, they are actually ranked below the Packers’ Offense. Vic Fangio (shown in his clown gear below) is the new Denver HC this year. At previous stops as Defensive Coordinator in SF and Chicago, Vic has had the defensive kryptonite that has stopped AR. AR’s career record against Zimmerman, Fangio and the new Bear’s DC, Cuck Pagano has been terrible, but Zimmerman and Pagano were “solved” by the Pack…much as we will “solve and destroy” the Denver D. But it gets even better!! If you lean in and listen very carefully, Coach is gonna tell you that we have another secret weapon this week. Recognize this guy? Well if you don’t recognize him, let Coach give you a hint. That didn’t help? Maybe the little clip below will… Yup. Former Packers Defensive Coordinator Ed Donatel is the DC for Denver. After being fired by Mike Sherman for the 4th & 26 meltdown against Philadelphia in the 2003 NFC Championship Game, Ed has bounced around as a Defensive Backs coach. In a laugh out loud moment last week in Denver, the Ponies had just pulled ahead 14 to 13 with only 30 seconds left in the game. To be fair, Denver got hosed by a roughing the passer call on Chubb (looked like Clay last year), but then Chicago stalled and was facing…. …insert drum roll in your head… …4th & 15 against a Donatel Defense! …that’s when the Bears got the 1st down, and thanks to an extra added 1-second put back on the clock by the refs, the new placekicker, Eddy Piñata, made the field goal and won the game. And Donatel’s reputation remains intact. Coach hates to disappoint, but good ole Eddy Donatel ain’t gonna get that chance on Sunday. Our offense will have more than three drives and this one will not be close at all. Pack 31 Broncos 17 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Thanks goes out to Tyree Drexler from Whitefish Bay for submitting the question of the week: “Who was the lightest ever NFL player to throw a touchdown pass?” Well, Tyree, that would be none other than Packers player Pid Purdy. Everett Virgil "Pid" Purdy played in both Major League Baseball and the National Football League. He went to Beloit College before joining the Green Bay Packers in 1926, measured a meager 5 feet 6 inches tall and weighed only 145 pounds…but throwing a touchdown pass on that light frame is not his only record. Purdy is the first player ever to hit a home run in the Major Leagues and score a touchdown in the NFL, and he might be the only person in the history of the planet to hit a home run, score a touchdown and kick a field goal. In one game, Pid tied ribbons to his shoelaces. When asked why, “So they can see how fast I am,” Purdy responded. He had a dropkick game-winning field goal for the Packers, and he also dropkicked a 51-yard field goal against the New York Giants which was the World Record for the longest dropkick until 1941. He only played in the NFL for 2 years, as there was more demand for his baseball skills in the roaring ’20s. Sadly, in 1951 Purdy died of unspecified reasons at the too-young age of only 46. On his tombstone someone wrote: “safe at home.” One of the possessions he left behind was a scrapbook, and inside of it was a signed photograph of him with Jack Dempsey, and another item was a signed picture of Knute Rockne that says: “to my good friend Pid Purdy.” So Pid, we salute you as a great athlete from 90-plus years ago as both a member of the Packers and as a major league baseball player.
For his winning entry, Tyree receives an autographed black and white glossy rookie photo of DeShone Kizer, and a free body paint kit from Guys & Dolls Adult Party Store in Menomonee Falls. Good on you, Tyree!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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