Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Our lead story… Intensity in Twin Cities MINNEAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers fans Betsy and Mindy Riemenschneider reached out to injured Minnesota Vikings players Dalvin Cook and Teddy Bridgewater on Tuesday for a goodwill double-date proposal. As preamble to attending the Vikings home game against Green Bay this Sunday, the Oostburg, Wisconsin twins will be visiting the twin-cities of Minneapolis-St. Paul on Friday for follow-up appointments with the orthopedic surgeon who intentionally broke their legs 8-weeks ago in order to enable them to walk in a straight line without tripping over their inner thighs. “Our mom can drive us!” exclaimed an exuberant Mindy, noting that it’s not possible for the twins, nor the recent 1st round draft picks in purple, to drive with their legs in mechanical restraints. Betsy revealed that she obtained Bridgewater’s phone number from her surgeon, Dr. Harold Babbar, who also repaired the quarterback’s separated knee-cap in August 2016, and purportedly is disgruntled over payments allegedly not made by the Vikings organization. Betsy went on saying “I told Teddy: ‘Ma is our designated driver, so that means we can all get drunk and do whatever!’ but who knows if he’ll go for it -- let’s just say he’s got a pretty good chance of getting lucky if he does … somebody’s ovulating!!!” Rookie running back Delvin Cook could not be reached for comment, but said through an interpreter that he hopes his legs will be as strong as theirs someday. Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme Quick…back in the way back of your head. When was the last game that Travis Frederick (former UW Badger) and Nick Perry (former USC Condom) both had fumbles and fumble recoveries in the same game? After the game, Coach was a bit surprised to see we were +2 on turnovers for the game. That’s great, Coach said to himself, but self, all I remember is Diphtheria Scandal pick-6. Was there another turnover in da game? I doan remember dat one. So’s Coach digs a little deeper and thinks, “Criminey, not that whacky play at da end?” You betcha, the stat line for dat play was: 4-1 for the 2017 Season, with a 3rd straight win at JerryWorld, what could be better? Coach is gonna break it down for you... ...we lead the all-time series with the Cowgirls 15-13. …Aaron completed 19 passes and Aaron had 19 runs for 125 yards. …Aaron Jones has emerged as a legitimate running threat, with a +5 yds/carry average over two games. …the Offense continues to look a little bit better every week and obviously had the clutch drive to win the game with 1:16 left on the clock. …Janice Jefferies finally got to return a kickoff. It didn’t go anywhere, but they finally let him have a turn, so now he feels better. …Vogel had a game turning 59-yd punt with a minus 1 yd return to pin the Girls back at their 12-yard line, setting up the pick-6. ...last week’s burn victim, Damarious Candle, made the pick-6! …Dom “big Legume” Capers ran the base 3-4 for most the game… for a 2nd game in a row. That’s right, Dom had 3 D-linemen in for about half of the game….and shocker here…they shut down the run again!! Well for 3 quarters anyway (more below). …”Big Picture” we are averaging 27.4 points a game and have the Number 6 ranked offense. Fun fact, over the 8 previous seasons the MM/AR combo has averaged 27.7 points a game, so the offense is right on track with normal. ...Jerry Jones cried at the end of another Packer-Cowboy game as the Pack continues to dominate! He was so upset he announced this week that the Cowgirls will all have to stand at attention with their hands over their hearts when they are not actually playing on the field. OK, now that we have all the sunshine out of the way… as shown below, we have the No. 20 Ranked Defense, giving up 22.4 points per game. Like the Offense, we are right on track with MM/TT/Big Legume historical trends on Defense. In the SuperBowl year of 2010 we gave up 15.8 points per game and were ranked No. 1 in the NFL. The other 7 seasons (2009-2016, n/i 2010) we gave up 22.8 points per game and have averaged the 18th ranked Defense. Basically, exactly where we are now. Coach’s is tired of telling you the D is awful, so let’s ask you if your gizzard gets painful thinking about this “stuff”. Point 1 Run Defense? Fourth-quarter Ezekiel Elliott looked nothing like he did the first three quarters. After holding him to 31 yards on 16 carries the first three quarters, Elliott exploded for 85 yards on 13 carries in the fourth quarter. "We definitely hit our stride in the fourth quarter," Elliott said after the game. “You saw early in the game they were stacking the box crazy, so many guys were in there. But Linehan had faith in us and he kept running the ball and I guess they wore them out and in the fourth quarter we had some big gash runs." Oh, my gosh…is this the 1990’s? That’s the story line of every Packer-Cowboy game in the ‘90’s where Emmitt was bottled up for 3 Quarters and gashed us in the 4th. Coach asks you, is this good enough run D to win a SB? Point 2 Character of Team? Score GB 22 Dal 24; Dalass ball, 2nd & 7 @ Dal 13 yd line. GB is lined up in our now “standard” 2-4 Nickel D, but wait, Clay Matthews is lined up as one of the ILB’s, along with Jake Ryan. As you can see in the video (Click on Link), CMIII does a great job and breaks immediately on the pass. Hard to know for certain, but it looks like Zak Pisspot’s throw is disturbed by Clay’s presence and Dimlylit Candle easily runs back the infield pop-fly for a home run and a 28-24 Packers lead. (Coach is sponsoring a mixed-metaphor contest soon.) As fantastic as that play was, it completely falls apart when the fricking Dipstick Randle does the Junior High thing and tosses the ball at Prescott…drawing the 15-yard penalty for Unsportsmanlike Conduct on the Kickoff. As Coach said last week, I would cut this guy in an instant. Coach would expect the veterans on the team to go Code Red on this dumbass, as Coach would with age-appropriate disciplinary actions back in the day when preparing his Middle Schoolers for an athletic contest. Marty Bennett, if you’re reading this, it’s time for Dam Randall to get a golden shower and a swirly. Randall’s immature and moronic play set the Cowboy’s up at their 31-yard line and put them in position to possibly win the game with a TD. Coach asks you, is this player high enough character to win a SB? (#RandyMoss) Point 3 Coaching Score GB 22 Dal 24; Dalass ball, 3rd & 2 @ GB 11 yd line; 1:18 left on game clock. One of the reasons Coach has been optimistic this year about improving the D, is that we have added good, experienced veterans. You know, like we did with Hardy Nickerson …wait, uh, scratch that. Ahmad Brooks has been a stud LB at SF and we picked him up on the waiver wire during the offseason. So far, he’s looked good at OLB and Coach is predicting a 6-sack season for him in 2017. But this play absolutely drives me crazy! Before we dig into the mistake, let Coach point out that this was 3rd down with 1:18 left to go. If Brooks plays this properly, Dalass still may have scored and run out the clock in the process. Thank goodness, sometimes being lucky is better than being good. In the shot below, Brooks is lined up at ROLB/DE at the bottom of the screen, and Dak is in Pistol with Elliot behind him. Everyone in the stadium thinks Elliot is getting the ball to pick up the 1st down…especially Brooks. Dak fakes the handoff and Brooks crashes down the line to tackle Elliot in the backfield. Great play, only he doesn’t have the ball, dumbass. What Brooks was supposed to do is contain the end of the line first and make sure that Prescott doesn’t do exactly what he did do. Again…if he plays it correctly and he tackles Prescott in the backfield, we may have lost on a last second Dalass TD. We like being lucky. Coach asks you, is this Defense coached well enough to win a SB? Coach is always optimistic about the Pack and he will explain more later/below about why we are going to kick the V’Queens into next week…but for now feel free to shout “Coach Downer.” Bad defense does not win championships, and so far, Coach sees no evidence of sustained improvement on Defense. OK, enough realism about the Capers led Defense for today. To end this section on a bright note, last Saturday Coach saw Mark Murphy out at Menard’s, prepping to make The 2017 Participation Trophies really gleam. He saved big money. WTF - the Coach's take on football news that’s messed up Shameless. It was incredibly difficult to watch ESPN’s presentation of the Star Wars movie trailer being interrupted before and after by an NFL football game on Monday night. As the actors donning Stormtrooper outfits marched onto the field during halftime and pointed to the big screen (so fans knew where the trailer would be displayed), I threw up in my mouth. What’s worse, ESPN game announcer Sean McDonough was stuck in front of the camera for what seemed to be way too much time making obligatory comments using hyperbolic statements implying everybody cares about the movie that is set to release 2 months from now. Actually, nobody cares. Over 20 Years Later, Infamous NFL Referees Reappear IRVING, TX—Coddling the Cowboys “for old times’ sake,” 3 of the 7 NFL referees that threw consecutive NFC Championship games in favor of Dallas in the early 1990’s reared their ugly heads once again to thwart the Packers chances for victory on Sunday at AT&T Stadium in Arlington. The worst of the bunch, head referee Terry McAulay, was a rookie on the 1995 crew that overtly handed NFC representation in Super Bowl XXX to the Cowboys. Retired Back Judge Earnie Frantz, with an unannounced appearance, made his presence known early by flagging Blake Martinez on a 3rd and Goal incompletion, claiming a personal foul when Blake avoided Dez Bryant, a defenseless receiver (but not as defenseless as that call). Of course, instead of having to kick a field goal, Dallas got a “free” TD with 1st and Goal from the 1 yd line. And, not to be outdone, head linesman Walt “Lazy Eye” Lupita pulled his classic 5-yard walk-off for a 10-yard holding penalty on Dallas late in their final drive – which, as it turns out, made the difference when the Cowboys eeked over the line to gain on 4th down of that possession. Fortunately for Green Bay as Rodgers started his final drive, both Lupita and Frantz had to immediately excuse themselves for their 6:30pm appointments at the Jerry Jones Cowboy Urinalysis Clinic (JJCUC) – and, without fellow zebras in cahoots, head ref McAulay had to rely on less tenured officials making unbiased calls based on the actual rules of the NFL. The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof Did you see that game Monday night? Well, then you know. Not only do we know that they suck, ESPN’s John Gruden even said “when I watch the Bears I get bored” during the nationally televised broadcast! Hey kids, believe it or not, the Monday Night Football game used to have the NFL’s best teams playing, not the crap on display Monday in Chicago. Da Bears trotted out their 107th quarterback in the last twenty-five years, and this Turdbiscut looks like the prior 106. Jay Cutler, Mike Glennon, whoever, they all sucked and so does this guy. The Vikings had no problem holding him scoreless in the 1st half. Although, to be fair, the Bears 1st touchdown was a pass … but by their punter! He looks like the best thrower of the bunch. Classic Bears: trade up from the #3 pick to #2 in order to draft a QB, wait to play him until all other rookie QB’s drafted after him (that have started) look like they belong in the NFL, and then when the Bears finally do play him -- the punter completes their only touchdown pass. Referencing him as a savior of the franchise and hailing him as “Chicago’s Brady Quinn,” Mitch Truebitchsky’s 1st start sure had the crowd fired up. Watching on TV, Coach actually saw Bears fans in the Soldiers Fields stands high fiving each other for a 1st Down gained in the 3rd quarter. Seriously. Like that means anything. That is just sad. For added evidence of Bears’ suckdom, that 1st Down … was overturned. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground 10:43 mark in 3rd Quarter after pick 6: Barry Alvarez in typical subdued tone – “OK Chryst, your experiment with Hornibrook is over! See late 90’s game plans. In the short term, i.e. right TF now, you will adopt a run first, pounding attack! Otherwise I have an opening set up for you as the Sun Prairie HS….for the swim team! “Thank God!” says Badger Underground. Had it not been for this wise change of game plan, we would not have been nearly so accurate in predicting the score of the Nebraska game. Sure, Horn Dog had his way with the BYU Cougs. So TFW. He looked solidly like a typical UW QB who becomes an NFL clipboard holder (at best). In the first half against the ‘Holers, Horn Dog was positively Mike Samuels-esque. Hence the hypothetical call downstairs from Señor Alvarez. Pleasantly unanticipated was that true frosh Jonathon Taylor would run for 249 yards. Conversely, who woulda thunk that the normally stout defense would give up 313 yards in the first half alone? Anyway, it all worked out in the end and we won 38-17. Maybe we should quit our whining. .. But, gall darnit! Offensively, Hornibrook’s brief bouts of inaccuracy are becoming a concern! Despite two receivers being in the same spot, the pick-six pass (spurring the game winning decision to run relentlessly) against Nebraska should not have been thrown. As we have realized throughout most of the season, reserve offensive linemen will see playing time again this week due to injuries. The drop-off has a more significant impact on the passing game than on the running game. Enough about bygones and the 8th rated 5-0 team…What’s up next? Purdue! As you may recall, the Underground has a couple pointers for the Badgers to key on, but Bucky has not been listening!
Yes, we are tough graders, but if Bucky wants to be academically and otherwise eligible for the playoffs, he must do better. We think he can. So, what do we have coming at us from the Boilermakers this week? This? Kyle Orton was one of the best Bear QB’s in the last several decades (sad as that may be). Click here to see how Bucky took care of him. The other was a pretty good Pur-Don’t QB who wears similar colors on Sunday. Nevertheless, we occasionally had our way with him too! Click here to see how Wisconsin dominated the night he passed for over 500 yards in Camp Randall. We were there. The Badgers won. We will not see such nail biting this Saturday, not even close! There’s no arguing that the Boiler Plates have turned the corner off rock bottom and the players have bought into what the new coaching staff is selling. This Saturday, however, a handful of matchups will work in Wisconsin’s favor in a big way. Purdue lacks downfield receiving threats and cannot exploit Wisconsin’s sometimes vulnerable CB’s or lack of an edge pass rusher. Purdue does not run the ball well, making their offense relatively easy to defend—kind of like the Bears offense of the last two weeks. They do throw to TE’s frequently, but WI has no problem defending TE’s. Purdue will be dealing with some defensive injuries and will likely have little success in forcing Hornibrook out of the pocket. Despite playing a physical and attacking defense, they have only 5 sacks in 5 games. Look for them to put up a good fight defensively until Wisconsin’s O-line & running game wears them down in the second half. Expect a continuation of the Barry Alvarez “pound it” offensive attack. The BU staff would love nothing more than to see Wisconsin come out of the tunnel to a full student section, look crisp, put the hammer down immediately, and strangle this baby in the cradle. Forecasted rain could make for some turnovers which could keep Purdue hanging around. Despite the worry level for this Saturday being lower than that of the last two weeks, it would not be a good week to come out flat (again, Bucky needs to follow our pointers). We say 40-10 and Bucky rules. In other Big Ten news, last week’s Michigan State upset of Michigan was worth a double-take. Michigan State has seen its recruiting base eroded a lot by the arrival of Harbaugh. Given that Khaki Pants has recruited so well, he has been under heavy criticism this week for not just the loss last week, but the poor showings throughout this season. Look for Michigan to lay a beat-down on the Hosers this Saturday. The rest of the Big Ten schedule is quite frankly a snoozer. On a last note, a shout out to the ‘Clones of Iowa State! They bested the Sooners in a huge away game upset and allowed Bucky to climb up the worthless rankings by two notches. We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game Point number “a” is that we won last week and passed the eye-test while doing it. We are 4-0 against bad and average teams and that’s what you need to do to get home playoff games at the end of the Season. After the Queens game, we should be able to say next week that we are 5-0 against mediocre teams. The table below is a little aide-memoire of how we got to this point and how strong our opponents were (as measured by how well they did in their six previous real games). The second point is that we are “for-real” again this year and are currently 7th in Point Differential and Turnover Differential (vs. 16 and 12 respectively for the purple penis eaters). These stats obviously don’t mean a thing during any given game, but it does point to the fact that we do have at least a good team that is “gooder” than the mediocre to good Visqueens. Recall on Monday night against the Bears they looked like a steamy pile of fresh dog doo...until Zimmer replaced Sam Bradford with Case Keenum at QB in the 2nd half. Then they looked more like the hard, flakey white dog poo that’s been sitting in the hot sun for a coupletree weeks. But not so fast matey... Mike Zimmer has been kryptonite for AR since his days as D-Coordinator in Cincinnati. Going back to 2009, Rodgers is 4-4 against Mike Zimmer defenses, although he did light it up in Lambeau for 38 points last Christmas Eve. Zimmer likes to rush 4, keep everyone in their rush lanes to keep Rodgers in the pocket, and play everyone else in coverage (mixing up Cover-2 and Zone). Expect much of the same this Sunday, but don’t be surprised if their best CB, Xavier Rhodes, is matched up on Davante Adams instead of Jordy. On Offense, they have a vastly improved OL and expect them to run a lot, even if you’ve never heard of the guy who has the ball. Case Keenum can pass (what is he, like their 7th string QB?), and Thielen and Diggs are very good receivers who will rack up a few yards and a TD. But, if we stop the run first and take our lumps in the passing game, we should come out just fine. And fear not…take solace in the tried and true adage: the Bears suck and the Vikings blow. This little video stroll down memory lane should bring you to an easy little chuckle... Classic Vikings Choke -- know your place Randy Moss can suck it! The word you are looking for is “schadenfreude” (look it up). In a “Randall Code Red Special” Coach sees this as the easiest game of the year so far, and an end-to-end blowout: Green By Packers: 34 Scandinavian seafaring pirates: 17 JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them This week, we take you back to the 1961 NFL Championship game, the first ever in Lambeau Field. The Packers' only other championship home game until then was 22 years earlier in 1939, played at the State Fair Park in West Allis outside Milwaukee. To set the stage, the temperature at game time hovered at 20 °F and for several days the field had been covered with a tarp, topped by a foot of hay. The covering was particularly significant as just two days before, the temperature dipped to −15 °F. Field conditions were of paramount concern if the teams were to make effective use of the running game. At Lombardi’s insistence, all the Packers players used cleats and about half of the Giants players, led by head coach Allie Sherman, chose sneakers, believing they would grip better on a frozen field. At 6 a.m. on game day, workers began the arduous process of snow and hay removal by hand using baskets, as heavy equipment could have potentially damaged the field. Arguably, the icy conditions and the Giants’ error led to the 37-0 emphatic victory for the green and gold, the first of 5 championships in 7 years in the Lombardi era. Also of note, Packers Ray Nitschke, Boyd Dowler, and Paul Hornung, were on leave from the U.S. Army for this game. Times have changed…. Note there were a whopping five turnovers in this game. We highlight those of two Packers, Hank Gremminger and Jesse Whittenden who each had an INT off the now late NFL great, Y.A. Tittle (nice name). Both Texans are in the Packer Hall of Fame. After football, Hank was a contractor and later worked in the banking and insurance business, and was a county commissioner in Parker County (somewhere in Texas, I think). After football, Jesse was a bouncer at the then new Paradise Club in Appleton (you remember … “Guys, there’s strippers at the mall!”). Coach and his Badger Underground compadres frequented the shady, neon-lit establishment before it was outclassed by easy access to internet porn and cheating wives on Tinder. But I digress… Although the great Tittle had three consecutive NFL Championships with the Giants, he had a sub-par performance this day. He went 6 for 20 for 65 yards and 4 INT’s for a QB rating of 1.0 (check it out!). Who knows how he woulda done had the Giants worn cleats? We salute you Hank, Jesse and, what the heck – you, too, Yelberton Abraham! Now, let’s kick the Vikings ass!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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