Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Erin ain’t no Lady, and I’ve got better things to do… There is officially better stuff to do in Wisconsin during the NFL season than bother watching the Packers. When Coach was a kid the Packers were terrible, but still I watched them because there wasn’t much else to do in small-town Tundramerica. Then as I got older and started to chase girls, drive various and sundry motorized vehicles, etc., I was already used to watching the Pack every Sunday at noon (that was the only day/time they ever played back then), and they started getting better. I made time on Sundays to ubiquitously watch semi-competitive Packers football in addition to pursuing fast cars and fast women the remainder of the week. But now my interest in peering over a fake, pay-only sledding hill to watch a self-absorbed flat-earthing quarterback (who passive aggressively complains about personnel problems that he ultimately created, and then publicly compliments himself on his locker room leadership) throw footballs 5-yards short of his running back on a flat route - has waned. The late great British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher famously once said “Being a leader is like being a Lady, if you have to tell people you are one – you aren’t.” So we’ve officially reached the point that those responsible for keeping the smallest-market team a viable attraction have feared most: Packers apathy. Us locals simply just don’t give shit anymore, because the prices at Lambeau are high, the coaching problems are pacified, the quarterback drama is heavy, the stadium beer girls are gone, and the snow-plow-attendance-guesser animation pales in comparison to bow hunting deer, reeling in muskies, and watching TikTok video loops of guys taking shots to the nuts. Of course, an SNF road victory over the Bills might change our minds on all that... at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Petite Fleur Exposed! After a debilitating, demoralizing and soul crushing 23 – 21 loss to the Washington Custodians … Head Coach Petite Fleur admitted that he was pleased at how often Aaron Rodgers comments the Coach’s perfectly coifed eyebrows. “I’m really flattered that he notices how much effort I put into my appearance for him.” When the assembled press was eventually able to get him to focus on football, he was at a loss for words. Looking like a grade schooler who lost his puppy, Petite Fleur said. “I don’t know what to say, I guess I’ll just repeat what I’ve said after the last several games, ‘we’ll have to study the tape this week and see what we are made of”. Coach did a little research this week and found out exactly what the 2022 Packers Team is made of … … a relatively in-tact and pretty looking exterior with the guts of the Team squeezed out all over the road. This week we face a good Buffalo Bills team on Sunday night and if the streak goes to 4-straight, Coach assures you that you will not be restricted battery powered torches and rubber-tipped pitch forks when we storm 1265 Lombardi Ave. Eventually QB Erin Fraudgers was found after going into hiding and skipping his weekly Pat Macaufeed appearance. When asked for his assessment of the game and 2022 Season, she simply repeated his observations from last week: “I told you guys that it's not my fault, I’ve been playing perfectly” … to prove the point he showed his weekly report card from QB Coach Tom Clement. “Seeee”, exhaled Fraudgers, Tom gave me a D+ and told me I played my best game of the Season”. The line of thinking that drives Coach to distraction is “don’t worry, we played poorly early and still won the Super Bowel back in 2010.” Let Coach disabuse you of any such nonsensical thinking … … the 2010 Season started with a record of 4-1, just like this year. … the 2010 Season continued with two additional losses, just like this year. … but in the 7th game, we beat the Queens and started on a 6-3 run to end the Season … … while there maybe similarities on the record through the first six games … the biggest difference is that:
If you want to play a “hands” position, you can’t be … … dropping the f’ng ball … You wanna how bad this team looks? Just ask Jace Spermburper. (You remember him, don’t you? The 2018 3rd Rd TE who was a complete bust and is out of the NFL?). Spermburper was picked ahead of Terry McLaurin who eventually went to the Custodians later in the 3rd. After the game same ole’ Jace Tweeted: Coach isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at that. The Packers could have drafted McLaurin. At pick No. 75 of the 2019 draft, they selected tight end Jace Spermburper. At No. 76, Washington grabbed McLaurin. For that matter they could have drafted Amron St. Brown at No. 112 (4th Rnd) of the 2021 Draft instead of packaging the No. 92 (3rd) and No. 135 (4th) picks to move up to grab Amaroni Rodgers Meanwhile over in Detroit, St. Brown caught 90 passes as a rookie, including 56 in the slot. Spanning his first and second seasons, he had eight consecutive games. There are many more examples, but let’s stop before imploding our collective craniums. Add these guys to Allen Lazard and Romeo Doubs, and we might have a receiver corps even better than in 2011 when we had Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, James Jones, Jordy Nelson, and then-rookie Randall Cobb. Wait Coach, I didn’t get to see last week’s game, can you summarize for me? Why of course Jimmy, and there’s no better place to start than on the scoreboard. We led at halftime, got behind in the second and almost pulled it out in and exciting finish. “So, you are saying we almost won?” No Jimmy, Coach is saying that we lost … and despite an exciting finish we really had our asses handed to us. There were a couple of good things that happened in this game, which we’ll come back to in a little bit. Concentrate now Jimmy … and really absorb the stats below: Our Offense “controlled” the ball for 22 minutes and 53 seconds (insert sarcasm emoji here). Our Offense had 47 plays to the Custodians 72 plays… … why you ask Jimmy, well it’s simple football math that Curly and Vince used to teach, you can’t:
The good things? (Coach, there were good things? Yes, Jimmy, two good things.) First: Zach Tom was a last-minute fill in at Left Tackle for who-knows-if-he-will-make-it-through-October-let-alone-the-Season-LT, Dave Bacterain. Good ole Dave was a last-second scratch and Zach Tom did a nice job filling in. Super for Dave if he makes it back, but it looks like we’ll be OK if he doesn’t. Second: The Commanders managed only one quarterback hit, and Erin Fraudgers wasn’t sacked, despite the Rook and 4 of the 5 being in new positions this week (so maybe Luke Butkus has figured out how to Coach?) Third: De’Mondre Campbell had our second interception of the year and returned it to the house. Normally scoring a TD on D leads to a 80+% chance of winning a game … not so last Sunday because of … Fourth: The defense was disruptive at times, especially early. The Packers finished with six passes defended, six tackles for loss and nine quarterback hits. Fraudgers and his buddy Petite Fleur talked all week about “having fun” and “simplification”. Coach really wished they would simply work on playing football. You know working on things like blocking, tackling and … … catching the f’ng ball … Let’s look at a coupla clips to make the point Normally reliable Alan Lazard dropping a drive killing 3rd down on the first drive of the game. Fraudgers double clutching on a pass before throwing it in the dirt at Dubbs feet. Sammy Watkins fessed up this week that he ran the wrong route and wrecked the timing for Erin. In proving the adage “if he could catch, he’d be on Offense” … Jaire Alexander drops the first of two “shudda been” interceptions by him. How is this guy even on the team anymore? The good news on this one is that it happened early enough in the game that the D was fresh and held the Custodians to a FG. How is this guy even on the team anymore? Oh wait, did I just use that line? Well, same guy, same problem … Look guys, our 2022 season is teetering on the edge of full-blown failure. We went 1-3 through the soft part of the schedule and we have some real games ahead. The offense is playing like crap, and blame can’t be placed on any one thing. It’s the quarterback, blocking, catching and simply running the damn play as designed. The defense is outstanding one drive and dog-crap on the next. This team doesn’t do anything one thing consistently enough to consider an identity. This rudderless squad better find a stabilizing force soon or we’ll be talking about draft position in December In the literary business this is called foreshadowing … … in the football business we simply observe that this is a view many are looking forward to … WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He’ll Be Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been a fan for almost 30 years, and it’s tough thinking that I may never wake up hungover on a Monday morning and be told the Bills are champions,” said Padula, who recounted formative memories of watching the Jim Kelly Bills and shaking his father awake on the bathroom floor to commiserate in their losses. “I just want that moment where my friends and family are going crazy around me while I’m passed out drooling on the couch. As a Buffalo fan, some people have been waiting their whole lives for that. Even just one chance to piece together memories of an amazing win from online clips and my friend’s description of the game would be enough for me.” At press time, Padula stated that his sadness over never having a celebratory drink in honor of a Bills Super Bowl win meant he needed a drink. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Complain They Are At Disadvantage Because They Are Much Worse Than All The Other Teams CHICAGO—Staring up at almost all other teams in the conference standings, Bears head coach Matt Eberflus held a press conference in which he complained that their team faces "an unfair disadvantage by virtue of the fact that our organization is much, much worse than all the other teams." In a fiery rant to the reporters gathered, Eberflus accused all the other NFL teams of having an unfair advantage by "playing decent football and not immediately falling flat on their faces in games." "It's unfair to expect us to field competitive teams when our guys fall apart every season," Eberflus told reporters. "If we managed to score more, had better defense, and were able to maintain any kind of momentum in games whatsoever, we would fare much better than we typically do when Sundays come around." Eberflus even alleged that teams "cheated" by "playing much better football and generally not being a joke of a football team that can't compete like professionals if their lives depended on it." According to sources, the Bears are planning on a "rebuilding decade" starting this season and hope to make another playoff appearance in 2030, with the lofty goal of "maybe even making it past the wildcard round." Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Last Place Bucky Beats First Place Purdue Following the recent trend of losing in sucking-hind-tit fashion followed by a supposedly season salvaging win, the Badgers won last Saturday over the formerly first place Boil Lancers. Incidents of dog kicking and curb jumping have abated, at least temporarily. Pom poms are waving even by some objective non-homers. The student section, for those who bothered to show up, enjoyed a good time with JUMP AROUND. And dammit Elroy, the Badgers are not yet mathematically eliminated from playing in the Big Ten Championship game and winning it! Sure, there were some highlights, but here at BU, we are not basking in the glow of lowered expectations. Teasing us with some optimism for the remainder of the season is that we dominated despite Purdue looking like a bad matchup on both sides of the ball and we were coming off a deflating loss at East Lansing. Nick Herbig (almost our entire pass rush threat) was held out and we were still missing bodies on the DL. The refs held off until garbage time blow calls that cost us 7 points. We were dialed in on both sides of the ball. The OL looked the best we have seen all season against a legitimate opponent. Rolling out and generally having time to pick out receivers, Graham Mertz played an “A” game. Unlike the previous week, he didn’t throw a single pass that was anywhere near being intercepted. He is second in the Big Ten in TD passes and on track to finish the season second only to Russell Wilson for single season TD passes for a Badgers QB. For all the fond memories you have of Randy Wright, Darrell Bevell, Brooks Bolinger, John Stocco and Scott Tolzein, Mertz could have all of them in the rearview mirror if he can continue to get up after the hits like he has absorbed the last two weeks. He also has a better arm than any of those guys, who had the luxury of throwing to better receivers. Defensively, our top cover CB returned for the first time this season to deliver shutdown coverage for 73 snaps. CB Ricardo Hallman, who was lit up late by Michigan State, was benched after two snaps and a PI penalty. Linebacker play has been trending upward after several games of underperformance. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Quick Jimmy, what’s the reward for a 3-game losing streak? Yes, ding, ding, winner, winner, chicken dinner! We get to the play the best team in the League! The Bills have the No. 2 Offense, the No. 1 Defense and are 1st in Point Differential. If you consider that we are playing in Buffalo and the difference in points, we “should” be a 20-point underdog, not the 11-point dogs that Vegas has assigned us. Historically the Bills are one of the few franchises that has an overall lead on us, 8 games to 5 with a 2-point average winning margin. During the Fraudgers era we are 2-1 against the Bills. And they’re supposed to get out of that funk – with a game at the powerhouse Buffalo Bills coming up on Sunday night, no less – without two of their top three veteran receivers and their rookie home-run threat? “Yeah, you know, it’s definitely not where we want it to be in terms of that room, but injuries are a part of this game. You’ve got to adjust, you’ve got to adapt,” LaFleur said. “It’s not the first time. We’ve gone through this before here.” Last year, the Packers were without Davante Adams (COVID), Lazard (COVID) and Marquez Valdes-Scantling (hamstring; injured reserve) for their Thursday night game at the undefeated Arizona Cardinals. With Equanimeous St. Brown, Cobb and Amari Rodgers starting, Juwann Winfree coming off the bench and tight end Robert Tonyan suffering a torn ACL, the Packers stunned the Cardinals 24-21. That game was supposed to be the blueprint in this post-Adams world. Instead?? (See above.) Acknowledging that they have some pretty good players, LaFleur predicted that they might be able to slow-down Jake Kumerow, but they won’t be able to completely stop a powerhouse like him. The difference in this game will be how well Amarone Rodgers plays. Is he a bust? No (well not technically yet) … “We’ve got to get some guys ready to play. Bottom line,” LaFleur said. Ready or not, your top receivers for this game will be Sammy Watkins, Romeo Dubbs, Amaroni Rodgers, and Samori Toure… yup, and the guy they snagged in the 7th round from some-where-or-other-State. Here’s betting LaFleur and Rodgers figure it out (mainly because Coach always predicts a win) … Packers 24 Bills 23 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Not may Packers defenders had memorable enough plays to have earned nicknames for them. Going into Buffalo, Coach reminds you of the Paup Smear, named for fan favorite and stand-up guy OLB Bryce Paup. The 6’5” farm boy came to the Pack in Round 6 of the 1990 draft, which was the same year as Round 2 selection, Hall of Famer, LeRoy Butler. Despite his tutelage under incompetent head coach Lindy Infante, Paup’s impact on the field improved as he gained NFL experience. In the first game of the 1991 season, Bryce was involved in a sack that sidelined Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham for the remainder of the season. His aggressive physical style on that play endeared him to fans, who subsequently referred to this infamous tackle as the “Paup Smear.” Bryce was a solid and dependable performer and clocked 11.5 sacks with a Pro Bowl appearance to boot in 1994. This sadly was his last year in Green Bay and off he went to Buffalo where he led the team in sacks in 1995 and was the NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Despite wild spreading rumors, Bryce Paup is no relation to Micah Hyde. On December 20, 1997 Bryce made his return to Green Bay where he was greeted by a standing ovation before kickoff by Packers fans. I remember, because I was there. It was quite a moment to see such a welcoming ovation for an opposing player. Some of this may have had to do with the fact that Bryce had become a Green Bay resident in the off season, and the Packers just won the Super Bowl several months prior, and this was the last game of a season in which they dominated opponents en route to their 2nd consecutive Super Bowl appearance (remember the Super Bowls?). The Packers went on to beat the Bills that day 31-21.
After retiring from professional football, Bryce went on to coach High School ball in DePere and at Green Bay Southwest, while also being on the Green Bay Packers Board of directors. So this week we salute a most deserving Packers great, Bryce Paup. Now go remind your wife to make an appointment for her annual checkup.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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