Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Don’t forget to stop by George Webb’s for a free hamburger this week to celebrate 12 in a row! That’s right, the Packers have lost 12 straight to the Rams in L.A. over 50+ years (sigh). Officially, we are their bitch. Montgomery Not Allowed To Fly Home With Team LOS ANGELES–Following a close loss to the Rams, Packers wide receiverback Ty Montgomery was not allowed to fly home with the team Sunday night. Despite his impressive performance at the Coliseum, Monty could not convince team managers to let him ride on the plane. “We just can’t allow a rat like that on the plane” said Packers offensive coordinator Joe Philbin. “Ty’s done what we’ve asked of him in the past in order to help the team, but we can’t bend over backwards for him and jeopardize the health of our locker room. The team comes first, and Ty is just going to have to deal with it.” Head coach Mike McCarthy seemed confused and had no idea what was going on when reporters probed for his thoughts on the Montgomery situation after the game. He simply replied “I’m one of the most successful coaches in the NFL. I bet Cleveland would love to have me.” When asked for his side of the story, Ty initially refused to comment, but then began weeping and said “I need Henry! He’s my emotional support! I can’t go anywhere without him! It shouldn’t matter that he’s a squirrel!” Packers assistant to the traveling secretary, Brach Birschbane, later provided reporters with the NFL’s official pamphlet regarding use of emotional support animals when teams have to fly for away games. To the team’s credit, the guide specifically states: “Emotional-support animals for players fall under a stricter definition than other trained service animals, such as dogs for blind referees or elephants for deaf commissioners.” Create a Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Coaches’ prediction last week? We WILL play our first good game of the year and we’re gonna Rock’em at the Coliseum (Coach will keep saying this until it happens) Well if McCarthy and company actually coached the team we could have arguably won by much more than 4 points, and at least would have had a shot at 30 to 29. But Coach doesn’t count moral victories, we lost, and now we are absolutely mired in mediocrity at 3-3-1. Remember this atrocity? Coach can’t get it out of his head….that’s Brandon Bostick fumbling the onside kick in the 2014 NFC Championship Game in Seattle…if he does his job and blocks, Jordy gets the ball and we are in the Super Bowl…what is it with Packer’s Special Teams guys just not doing their job?? WTF?? Well, it flipping happened again, dint it? …hoisted by our own petard (look it up). Doggone it…kneel down and at least Rodgers has a chance at getting a score and winning the game. Gutey wasted no time in getting rid of “Brandon Montgomery”, trading him to Baltimore for navel lint (maybe chewed gum, it wasn’t clear at press time). There was actually some genius to trading for a 2020 conditional pick, yes we might get a pick, but the major accomplishment is not letting him get to New England where Belichick would have done the Vulcan mind meld on him and sucked all the knowledge out of Montgomery before Sunday night’s game. …not that Belichick needs to fear McCarthy’s game plan or can’t figure out his overwhelmingly predictable patterns of ineptness. We’re gonna come back to this in a bit…the air waves have been burning up all week with people screaming about Montgomery, but honestly Coach is more P.O.’d about Fat Mike and his approach to situational football at the end of the first half, that’s where we lost the game. But first, let’s look at the other trade, we got rid of Chuckle Chuckle Clinton’s-Dick to the Washington Foreskins for a 4th rounder in 2019. Some have complained that we didn’t get much, but he only has this season before becoming a free agent, so the price was probably fair. The other complaint is that he was a good player. Fair enough, at times his first couple of years he was decent and give him credit for being on the field and not in the tub. But wait, let’s not just stop at Bostick in Seattle…do you remember this play? Have you ever seen such a misplayed ball in the air? Yes, OK, several times this year – by the same HHCD! At the time at 2-point conversion put Seattle up by 22-19. Had he played the ball and the Seaturds been held to 20, the Packers would have won 22-20 on the field goal they kicked 1:11 that tied the game and sent it into OT…and of course the Seabags only got the chance at that 2-pointer due to Bostick’s colossally stupid play on the onside kick. But Coach has been digging even deeper and found that Robert Mueller has positive proof of HHCD collaborating with the Redskins for several months. After his interception you can see him clearly celebrating with the enemy. Collusion? No question. Sure Dix has physical talent, but by all accounts he’s played like shit the last 2 years, has been a locker room cancer and arguably has been the weakest link on the D this year – definitely NOT playing at a 1st-round talent level (or even a 4th round level, for that matter). Here’s proof! ...Clink on this link for a video summary of his debacles this year: Ha Ha was the problem all along! So Coach says good bye and good riddance, and good call by Gutey. Where does that leave us on talent? Probably not a lot worse than we were before the game. If we look back at Teddy T’s last 3 drafts, it’s hard not to say it’s been a bust. These are the guys that should be making up the core of our “draft and develop” roster. You probably have heard that you can’t truly judge a draft class until 3 years after that draft, well… The 2015 draft class is completely gone from the Green Bay Packers, and 7 of the 8 players are complete “reds”. 2016 is better, with Kenny Clark and Blake Martinez being real contributors and King and Aaron Jones from 2017. Let Coach say it another way, we have two impact players, Clark and Jones out of the last 25 that TT drafted. Before everyone starts whining about Martinez being a “yellow”, just tell me how many impact plays he’s made? Yeah, OK, he makes a lot of tackles 5 yards downfield, but just name the times when he’s blown up a play. I knew Khalil Mack; Blake Martinez is no Khalil Mack. King is only a potential green someday: he’s had some tremendous games, but he’s out of the game injured about 50% of the time so we can’t count on him down the stretch. If he plays well, uninjured, then we can consider the upgrade to Green-Seats for him. OK, back to the Rams game. Why did we lose? Situational coaching…McVay kicked McCarthy’s ass. The game was really lost in the 2nd Qtr, from 12:14 through to Half-Time. Let’s start with who was being played, Aaron Jones and the Packers rushing game. We averaged 5.6 yards per rush vs. 4.0 for the Rams, but they ran the ball 34 times to our 19 times. They controlled the ball for 34:10, but that masks the real story, we didn’t move the ball when Jones wasn’t on the field!! We had 13 drives in total, Jones had touches on 7 of those drives, 6 drives he had none. On the drives where he was touching the ball, we averaged 6.9 yards/play and we had 5.1 plays per drive. When Jones didn’t touch the ball, we averaged 3.0 plays/drive…we averaged a “3 & out” when he wasn’t in. Jones didn’t bust a big one on every play, but the Rams had to account for him. Nowhere was this more evident than the sequence that started with 12:14 left in the 2nd quarter. Remember, Jones is out, we are up 10-0 and Jones is on the bench. On drive #7 we have 3 plays, gain 3 yards and punt, and the Rams have the ball at their 38. Drive #8 is the series where we stop them at mid-field, but King turns his back on the gunner, Sam Shields, and Hekker throws a first down to Sam Shields. Special Teams maaaajor breakdown number 1. They didn’t score on this drive, but we are pinned down and start drive #9 at the 4. We run 5 plays for 21 yards, no Aaron Jones, and we JK Scott punts for 55 with no return. Drive #10 the Rams are starting at their 28, where they go 27 yards our 45 and they punt, with Sam Shields again making a tremendous play, downing the ball on the 1. Special Teams maaajor breakdown number 2 (number 3 being the shanked punt in the 4th Qtr). Drive #11 we put AJ back in, but as you already know he never even gets close to the goal line and he’s stuffed for the safety. It was a terrible call for 2 reasons: (1) Aaron Jones is not a physical back that should be used in short yardage situations … THAT’S where Jamaal Williams is supposed to be used (you dipshit, McCarthy … Seriously, how can everyone know this but you?), and (2) it puts the RT Bryan Bulaga on an ILB assignment, which means he has to move in to open a gap for the RB – which isn’t possible when the D is playing a short yardage run set. After the ensuing free kick, they start at their own 28 and go 72 yards for the score to make it 10-8 Packers. What makes Coach absolutely sick is that we dominated the game in the 1st Quarter, McCarthy put away his best toy and then got stuffed in the field position game. Once again he proved he is the game’s worst manager of the final minutes in the 1st half of games (as has been documented by oodles of data from yours truly seemingly every week). Face it kids, McCarthy is the one who lost this game, same as he always does. Without Rodgers, he can’t win; and with Rodgers, he manages to lose half of their games when the best quarterback in the history of the league can’t pull a rabbit out of his backside in the final drive. Murphy needs to give Gutey full control of football operations, same as Ron Wolf had, so he can fire McCarthy’s ass now and bring in, well, ANYBODY ELSE. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Belichick Haunted By Gypsy Woman He Killed Last Summer FOXBORO,MA – Another poor performance was displayed last week by the Patriots, barely squeaking by the lowly Buffalo Bills on Monday Night Football. It appears New England has devolved back to the disgraceful form they showed earlier this year when they were beaten soundly by the Detroit Lions and the Jacksonville Jaguars, both of which are teams that are more or less just overgrown pussies. With the perennial contenders off to such a rough start this year, a lot of people around the League are wondering: “Did the gypsy that Bill Belichick killed during training camp curse New England?” We all know about Bill Belichick’s ill-fated encounter this summer; the late night drive in the rain where he ran over that old crone. Now, suddenly you have phantom tackles, Pats players spastically convulsing on the turf, and Tom Brady throwing picks into double coverage like he’s been possessed! That is unquestionably a curse. If a gypsy curses you with her last dying breath while you try to bury her in a shallow roadside grave, it has to have a negative impact on your pass rush. It’s hard to come back from that. Bill Belichick clearly didn’t take the hex seriously when it left the gypsy’s lips or else he would have tried to shore up his wide receiver group, and handed out pendants of gypsum and white sage to ward off the hag’s demon servants. How else to you explain New England’s complete lack of ground game, and the specter that flashed across the field as blood poured from Gronk’s eyes? Belichick’s only chance might be to pass the gypsy’s curse onto Josh Gordon and then waive him. He also might be able to break the curse by hunting down a necromancer and bring him a vile of virgin’s tears, but that’s a long shot. Until Belichick figures out how to wipe the gypsy’s blood from his hands, the Patriots and their fans will continue to struggle, which is good news for the rest of the league. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof $3 Million Donation From Bears To Help Kids Learn To Read Returned AURORA,IL—A $3 million charitable donation from Chicago Bears owner Virginia Halas-McCaskey intended to help kids learn to read has been returned following a resounding “screw you” from Illinois’ illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up your ass, you depraved sack of shit,” said 8-year-old Emmy Bowman, echoing the sentiments of thousands of children across Chicagoland who confirmed they would rather never learn to read and write than accept cash from an organization as corrupt and inept as the Bears. “We’re not going to debase ourselves by accepting handouts from a bunch of rich pathetic morons. Do you think throwing a few million dollars at underprivileged kids absolves you of all the terrible shit you’ve done? Get real.” At press time, an angry mob of kindergarteners had reportedly descended on Soldiers Fields holding angry, wordless protest Signs. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Growls and Then Lays a Gigantic Egg The worst fears going into Northwestern were realized last week.
Adding to the debacle that unfolded, the Badgers may be without NT Olive Sagapolu for the remainder of the season or at least until the bowl game. Woe is us. The Badgers could ill afford any outages on the thin DL. Even if Loudermilk and all the DB’s come back from injury, this will be a huge loss. Sources say that Jonathon Taylor had the flu, contributing significantly to his subpar day. Waa, waa, waa! Coming into this season, we thought the defense and Jimmy Leonard would do magic with new guys rising to the fore as has always happened. It has not happened. Making up ground and finishing with a 3-way tie for the West title is highly unlikely. The betting man says Northwestern loses only to Iowa while Wisconsin will have tough games vs. Penn State & Purdue. The Mildcats have the inside track to Indy, sorry to say. The way Wisconsin is playing, Rutgers may not be the cakewalk that they appear to be on paper. Note that Northwestern had difficulty beating Rutgers only a week before playing Wisconsin. In hindsight, NU coach Jim Fitzgerald likely called an offensive game plan rivaling that of Paul Chryst & Mike McCarthy. If immobile QB Alex Hornibrook returns Saturday, he will have an extremely green LT trying to prevent him from another concussion. The good news is that Rutgers is giving up 34 points per game and will be without LB Izaia Bullock, who was charged with being a party to an attempted double-murder plot. This is not surprising. Here are some other famous Scarlet Knight students (note that Badger Underground’s initial web search – for famous Rutgers hotties, came up dry): In addition to Sagapolu, the same defensive players who missed last week’s game are questionable this week, with Loudermilk & Dixon being the closest to returning. Fortunately for Wisconsin, Rutgers scores only 15 points per game. Rutgers may have played the first ever college football game, but Wisconsin’s Pat O’Dea put the Midwest on the football map over the Ivy league in the late 1900’s with his inspired kicking game and Aussie chutzpa. ADVERTISEMENT—Are you a big fan of scary movies? Are you bummed that Halloween is over? Well don’t get too comfortable at the theaters just yet – the scariest movie of them all is about to be released: One of our most recognizable television stars takes an erotic turn on the silver screen in Roseanne Gets Naked (this movie has been rated Rx by the Motion Picture Association of America, and is intended for sick audiences only). We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Well, Wayne, Coach has to dig deep this week to explain how the Packers are gonna kick ass in Foxhole on Sunday night. As loyal readers know, Melissa McCarthy regularly says that he is a good coach. If he wants to argue that stepping in dog crap is better than getting hit by a car, then he has a point. (Just keep in mind that Melissa’s mentor was Marty Schottenheimer, he of the teaser 11-5 seasons who flamed out in the playoffs in Cleveland, KC, the Skins and San Diego. Conversely, Bill Belichick’s mentor was Bill Parcells, who was head coach of the 2-time world champion Giants while Belichick was defensive coordinator of LT.) But let’s see what the actual results are; think of this as kind of Snopes.com on Fat Mike’s claims... Starting with the 2014 Season, we have been in the playoffs 3 out of 4 years and managed to lose the NFC Conference Championship twice. The Pats have been to the playoffs every year and won the Super Bowl twice during the same 4 Seasons. Hmm, OK, Melissa M not in the same league as Billy B. Now let’s look a little deeper, overall William of Foxborough has averaged a Regular Season record of 13-3, while Melissa has averaged 10-6….I guess William is now up 2-zip in the comparison. With the preseason reduced to figuring out the bottom 1/3rd of the roster, Coach points out that the first 4 games of the Season are sort of “figure out your team time”, and the next 4 (gms 5-8) are the first real test. In a “no shock to any of you that actually follow football” observation: Bill Belichick is 4-0 for games 5-8 over the last 5 years (basically the month of October). Packers Coach Melissa McCarthy is below 0.500 (1.8 wins and 2.2 losses on average). If “October” is the test of getting your team figured out, then McCarthy is below average and less than mediocre, even with AR at the helm for 4 of the 5 years. And the test that Coach really likes to apply, “how well have the good coaches done when they don’t have their star QB”. Needless to say, McCarthy is a bottom tier coach. Obviously T Thompson's drafts of the last several years play into this, but newsflash, Vince, Billy and Don Shula all did fantastic no matter who was on the roster and no matter who plays at QB. So, by any measure Coach can think of, McCarthy is not the answer, should be relieved of his duties, and hopefully will do as little as possible to damage our hopes in the Foxhole. “But Coach, we can’t fire McCarthy because Aaron Rodgers has close chemistry with him, and that can’t ever be replaced by another head coach!” Wayne, you ignorant slut. The Packers win DESPITE McCarthy, not because of McCarthy (hint: it’s because of Aaron Rodgers overcoming McCarthy’s ineptitude; again – look at the chart above). Fun fact: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have NEVER had dinner together. Eight super bowls in 17 years (or about 1 every other year for the mathematically challenged), and a whopping five world championships. Relationship be damned. We need a good coach. Shit, an AVERAGE skill at game management for a coach would have the Packers at least 5-2 right now. But even if we must have McCarthy on the sidelines another week, the Packers can win this game – and here’s why: 1) Gutey is establishing himself as the real leader of the team. His moves this week may or may not be fantastic when we look backward, but he got rid of problems and there is no doubt in any player’s mind that they have to perform….said more plainly….this week was addition by subtraction. 2) Coach now has it on good authority that Offensive Coordinator Joe Philbin is studying the Coach Clarahanson blog. Joe phoned in for some advice this week and Coach took him though the 2nd Quarter analysis above. Joe has promised to try to remember the lessons and will keep Aaron Jones on the field more. Coach hopes he will get more touches, but let’s at least keep him on the field and keep the Pats honest. 3) The defense is finally starting to gel. The Rams are one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL, but Coach doesn’t care about that, giving up 29 (27) points is not good enough to go anywhere in the post-season. However, as Coach pointed out above, many of those points we related to the offense not keeping the ball and special teams gaffes. Pettine’s Defensive unit is really starting to play better, and Coach expects this improvement to continue. Getting Ha Ha CD out of the way should clear the way for Baushad Breeland to get on the field (he of golf cart accident fame). 4) Brady has 5 rings, and usually GOAT discussions stop there, so Rodgers will put the proverbial chip on his shoulder that has been a good luck charm for him throughout his career. Besides, he's the speedy young whippersnapper that'll be messing with the old timer in this matchup (Click On Link)... Rogers and the O moving the ball, the D building on last week and Special Teams simply playing the way they have most of the year will be more than enough. Packers 34 Pats 28 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them With all this talk about Tom Brady and his 5 championships, and Belichick's 7 Super Bowl rings, Coach thought we should pay homage to one of our own Super Bowl champs, a real guy's guy, and a big contributor to us winning XXXI in n'Awlins ... Mike Prior! #39 was never a starter in Green Bay during his tour of duty 1992-1998. He came in only on 3rd down situations as a nickel back, roaming the middle of the field, but always wreaking havoc. Prior was a key to many of the victories in 1996, most notably sealing the win in the 2nd half against the St. Louis Rams, saving the Super Bowl year that was. Prior was one of the captains of Super Bowl XXXI and intercepted a pass in that game thrown by the last Patriots quarterback before Tom Brady, Drew Bledsoe. Prior is also a part of one of the most famous Super Bowl highlights. He was the player who clipped John Elway in Super Bowl XXXII sending him spinning like a helicopter (Coach forgets what happens after that). In an exclusive mic'd up interview, Coach sat down with the former Packers DB to see what he's been up to since retiring from the NFL. After hanging up his cleats, Prior entered the business world as an insurance actuary and worked his way up the corporate ladder in a Fortune 500 company (not too shabby). Then things took a turn for the worse for Mike late last year. Below is an inspirational story in his own words of how he dealt with the tragedy, intended to offer hope for other men so they might be able to navigate through a similar midlife crisis with the same success that he had.
Once the #MeToo movement got going, things started changing. I knew I would have to be brave. I started hearing about all these guys losing their jobs. Or at least a few guys, one or two. I never thought I’d be put in a position where I would be held accountable for something I did. I thought “That’s something that happens to other people, not to me.” They fired me for using my power to solicit favors from female coworkers. I’d been doing this for years, so when they let me go I was shocked. For several hours, I felt totally and utterly alone. I had nothing. My company credit card, my un-accrued PTO….gone. It was the worst three and a half hours of my life. I felt so powerless. I texted a couple of former teammates for support and they immediately responded with “Let me see what I can do.” It felt like the end of my career. I started having really dark thoughts. I even typed “Monster.com” into my browser. I hadn’t updated my résumé in years. Instinctively I almost called my secretary to do it, but – because of her allegations, I no longer had a secretary. I felt so lost. Would I ever be taken seriously again? Where would I go? What would become of me? I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I am not proud of that. And by the time I polished off the second drink, I was ready to order a third, a fourth, a fifth… But then I got a call. A former teammate emailed me to say he knew some people at a very reputable company, and they set me up with an interview later that day. It was such an emotional time that I’d forgotten there was this whole network of men that help men like me get back on their feet. I got the job. They even offered me a starting bonus. Now, I’m actually at the same level as my previous boss who accused me of harassment. I really thought getting fired was going to break me, but a handful of unstructured hours made me stronger. I’m more confident, more self-assured… I’m proud of who I am. Oh, and I’m making a lot more money now. A lot. I’m speaking out so that other men fired in the wake of #MeToo know they’re not alone. It turns out that this kind of thing happens to a lot of guys. We just don’t talk openly about it. It may take you most of the day to find a new job, but if you just half-heartedly throw out a couple of feelers here and there, it will happen. Never hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. He’ll understand that as a man, it’s in his own best interest to back you up. As difficult as that afternoon was, it helped me see the good in people again. So if you lost your job because of your own behavior, stay strong. Before you know it, everything will be better than ever. It is not your fault that the allegations were actually taken seriously. You are not alone. I, too, was fired in the wake of #MeToo. Thank you, Mike, for that inspiration story of heroism, and your ever present can-do spirit that we all fell in love with way back since the early 1990's. We salute you, sir! And now let's go beat the Patriots (again)!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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