With the 29th pick in the 2017 draft, the Green Bay Packers select... La La Land!
Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme
Due to legal restrictions stemming from provocative Coach Clarahanson commentary published over the tightly controlled internet, Coach has recently been bound to refrain from using actual NFL personality's names; but there is, however, nothing stopping us from rhyming names, so... In case you missed the draft coverage, Packers scouting personnel approached the mic at 1265 Lombardi Avenue to provide insight after each selection by GM Red Rompson. Head Coach Dyke L'Carpetry later commented that he was pleased by the early emphasis on defense; a sentiment echoed by his D-coordinator, Mom Rapers. Away from the press conference, Coach Clarahanson reached out to veterans whose jobs might be on the line with the influx of rookie talent. Former 1st round pick Hilarious Vandal admitted, "Yeah, I'm a little nervous. I dunno, maybe they'll move me to safety or something. I played that in college." Conversely, All-Pro pass rushing Linebacker Gay Asscrews said "I'm not worried. I'm still the most talented player on this defense so I welcome the new guys that can come in and make us better." On the other side of the ball, this draft was strangely peppered by RB's and WR's in the later rounds. Slot receiver Handle Knob suggested he, like most people in Wisconsin, was surprised by the Packers taking more crappy WR's that could have been acquired as undrafted fee agents saying "We're pretty set with the guys we got." And former receiver-turned-running back, Guy Mightcumonmee, indicated that neither of his positions are really in jeopardy by 5th round or 7th round selections.
When asked to grade the potential of this year's Packers draft class, ESPN pundit Smell Diaper Jr was uncharacteristically tight-lipped and even appeared slightly inebriated when he mumbled "Nobody cares what I say. There is no God."
But seriously folks, here's Coach's summary that you can use to impress your douchebag co-workers at the water cooler...
Two UDFA’s are really, really interesting:
CB Donatello Brown, Valdosta State (former Ninja Turtle)
WR Montay Crockett, Georgia State (seriously, another Crockett UDFA?)
OL Thomas Evans, Richmond
OL Geoff Gray, Manitoba
ILB Cody Heiman, Washburn (nice name)
QB Taysom Hill, BYU (Ted continues to stockpile the Mormon talent)
DT Izaah Lunsford, Bowling Green
OL Adam Pankey, West Virginia
WR Aaron Peck, Fresno State
CB Lenzy Pipkins, Oklahoma State (nice name)
CB David Rivers III, Youngstown State
OL Christian Schneider, UC-Davis (at some point we're just asking to be attacked by radical Muslim terrorists)
WR Raysean Pringle, Southern Utah (yep, we'll have a full Tabernacle Choir)
Trading out of first and picking up an extra 4th round was an A++ because Haason Reddick was already gone before #15 and we got an elite player in the 2nd round plus Biegel from Cleveland in the 4th.
Day 2 -- not packaging picks and trading to get another 3rd rounder was an F- ...Really disappointed at the missed opportunity to have 4 picks in the 2nd/3rd round.
Trading down in 6th to get a 7th? The limit on signing guys is 90 to a roster; other than drafting more in the 7th round we could sign 89 UDFA’s plus Rodgers. Makes no sense, so clearly TT was paying back John Elway for a previous sexual favor.
Between draft and UDFA’s we added:
A breakdown of each draft choice follows later on in The Show!, but for now Coach observes that the Packers draft looks OK on paper; Captain Obvious asserts we’ll know much better in August and better still 3 years from now. More profoundly, statistics show that 1st round picks are much more likely to have a positive impact on the team. Therefore, Coach is drafting a letter to commissioner Roger Goodell, demanding that the NFL change the draft. The proposal will eliminate the current 7 rounds and, in its place, each team will receive 7 first round picks. That should raise the level of play all around the league with that many more First-Rounders on the field. You're welcome.
WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like
What's the deal with the Bengals drafting bad-character guys? In the 2nd round, Cincinnati picked Joe Mixon, RB from Oklahoma. He was on the draft board of only 4 teams because of the infamous viral video of him assaulting a college co-ed, so you know he's a bad dude. Here's a partial wrap sheet of other infamous Cincinnati Bengals...
A.J. Nicholson - theft ... stole electronic equipment from teammate.
Adam "Pacman" Jones - assault/battery, plus disorderly conduct while intoxicated.
Andre Smith - carrying a concealed loaded weapon at airport. Yeah, that's a crime, dude.
Cedric Benson - assault/battery of male roommate, also beat up a bartender. Remained a troublemaker in Chicago, but cleaned up his act in Green Bay.
Chris Henry - assault/battery, driving with a suspended license, providing alcohol to minors, DUI, raising a stolen gun in the air in a fight outside a club, drug possession. ...Perhaps the greatest Bengal of all time.
Corey Dillon - domestic violence ... hit his wife. Unclear if she was asking for it, though.
Darnay Scott - theft ... wrote a fake check for a new motorcycle. That would get you shot in downtown Neenah.
Deltha O'Neal - animal abuse ... wiped his dog's eye gunk onto ear fur.
Frostee Rucker - domestic violence ... fought with girlfriend, Caitlyn Jenner, at a party in LA.
Jerome Simpson - possession of 2.5 lbs of marijuana. Famously said "Uh, that's not mine."
Matthias Askew (seriously, that's his name) - resisting arrest (ironic, eh?).
Maurice Purify (nice name) - disorderly conduct (again, ironic).
Orson Charles - brandishing a gun inside car in a road rage incident. Coach has been waiting a long time to use the word "brandishing" in a sentence.
Rey Maualuga - DUI hitting 2 parked cars and a parking meter, assault/battery, really bad breath.
Steve Foley - firing weapon in air several times outside of club, domestic violence ... kicked in the door of his son's mother and grabbed her by the throat.
Looks like Joe will fit right in.
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
GREEN BAY-The speculation is over, Wisconsin resident and Packers fan, Chris Kowalski, has announced that he will return to drinking for another football season. Following his wife's off-season threat to leave him if he didn't get help, many expected Kowalski to give up drinking for good, but he held a press conference earlier this week to announce he's not done yet. "The packers are my life, and drinking ... is my life." said Kowalski. "I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me...."
Can Kowalski push through with another good season, or are his best drinking days behind him? There's no doubt in anyone's mind that Chris is among the all-time greats of alcohol consumption, and has the track record to prove it -- all in the name of Packers football.
Lost Jobs - 9
Career High BAC - 0.43%
Women Punched - 6
Couches Soiled - 14
Lambeau Field Ejections - 0
Kowalski comes from that incredible drinking class of 1974 and is one of only two surviving members.
Chris briefly disappeared from the drinking scene until resurfacing naked in downtown Appleton after the Packers Super Bowl XLV victory. Scouts monitoring Kowalski's current training regimen say he's still got good form and has continued drinking straight through the offseason. Keeping his buzz going through all 7 rounds of the 2017 NFL draft, Kowalski finally passed out at his niece's baptism, and later awkwardly groped his son's 14-year-old girlfriend before threatening to kill himself by jumping off of the roof of their ranch house. Suffice it to say that if the Packers are still playing, Chris Kowalski will still be drinking.
The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof
Maybe bad decision making is just a systemic problem in Chicago. United Airlines is based in Chicago and, unless you've been living under a rock the past coupla weeks, you know that they had the Chicago PD board a plane at the gate to beat up an elderly doctor because he refused to give up his seat for an airline employee that United wanted to send to the plane's destination city. Fast forward to the 1st round of this year's NFL draft...
The Bears totally screwed themselves in the 1st round. They gave up 3 extra draft picks just to move up one spot (from #3 to #2) with the 49ers. San Fran must have been bewildered that they could fleece the Bears so badly. Just imagine what that conversation was like on the phone... [Bears GM Ryan Pace]"You're not gonna take Mitchell Trubisky, are you?" [49ers GM John Lynch]"Uh, yeah ... Michael Trinkowski, that's they guy we're planning to take alright. You know it!" [Pace]"Oh dear... how about if I give you one of my picks to take somebody else?" [Lynch]"Look dickface, give me 3 picks now or I'm taking him." [Pace]"OK, deal." I think Ryan Pace must have led Obama's negotiating team when we brokered that terrific nuclear deal with Iran. The Bears could learn from the Buffalo Bills. Only hours after the conclusion of the draft, they fired GM Doug Whaley who they hired in 2013 (ouch). I guess they didn't like his picks, and took decisive action. But back to Shitcago...
Ok, so the deal is done and they can pick ANYONE they want at #2, and then they wasted their pick on an inexperienced quarterback, from a basketball school, whose favorite NFL team just happens to be … wait for it … the Packers!
Since Turdbiscut only played in 13 games across his entire college career (that’s 3 fewer than the games the Bears will play in a single season), he will undoubtedly be riding the pine for at least 2-years behind the Bears’ $50 million off season acquisition, QB Mike Glennon – who (it just so happened) rode the pine in Tampa Bay all of the last 2-years behind rookie+ QB Jameis Winston. Think of Jay Cutler, only less of a prick, with less talent, and dumber -- that's Mike Glennon. This idiot actually requested Cutler’s jersey number 6!
So watch for Glennon and Trubisky entries on the names of Bears QB's (= failed NFL QB's) since Favre started in Green Bay. At this point it rivals the quantity of names engraved on the Stanley Cup.
Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground
Badgers Draft report
As reported by The Show!!! pre-draft edition (and by other lesser outlets), Ryan Ramjack went in the first round as did J.J.’s lil’ bro T.J. Watt. We wish these guys all the best except when they play the Packers this year!
Our big news of course is that the Pack snagged Wisconsin Rapids' very own Vince Biegel with the first pick of round 4! We think he could outshine Watt in the NFL with his work ethic and tenacity, not that T.J. lacks in either category.
No other Badgers were drafted., but here are Bucky’s free agent signings:
Clement to Philly
Ogumbowale to the Texans
Shelton to the Cardinals
Wheelright to the Panthers
Bart Houston has not been signed and seems destined to be a CFL clipboard holder or assistant QB coach at Kutztown University. This school must be a rising NCAA powerhouse ... the Bears drafted a guy from there!
Badgers Spring report
As we know, many Badgers spent Spring Break 2017 honing football skills -- especially QB Alex Hornibrook, who took a SoCal sabbatical to develop pocket presence and improve arm strength. But much more media splash was given to Mr. Khaki-pants taking his Weasels to Rome. Apparently, Jimmy is resorting to throwing coins in Trevi Fountain and meeting the Pope as his strategy to beat the Badgers in November. Conversely, in his true understated style, Badgers head coach Paul Chryst has announced plans to have his team help the UW Police and Security at the Mifflin Street Block Party with burned sofa removal, and then he intends to follow that up the next morning with a field trip to the House on the Rock.
The Spring Game completely met expectations, as we expected roughly 39 seconds of watchable football. None of the projected Badger stars played and the walk-on wannabe’s duked it out to a 20-17 result, which makes the Badgers tied for the BigTen lead at 1-1 for the Spring Games season.
Looking toward the Fall, the #12 Badgers are the cream of the Western Division crop with an outside chance at winning the BigTen(14) and an even larger outsider chance for Final Four glory. WI should be unbeaten when Michigan rolls into Camp Randall in November and subsequently reach the conference championship game, as the schedule is quite favorable. The toughest non-conference test is at BYU, which is laden with future Packers draft picks, and enters the 2017 season ranked somewhere in the 40's.
The defensive front 7 is loaded, despite losing Watt & Biegel. The stout 4-man DL rotation from last year is back, with the additions of 6’-7” 300 lb Isaiahh Loudermilk (nice name for a DT!) and equally beefy Garrett Rand. Nobody’s going to run the ball on these guys and they will set the table for the returning LB's Cichy and Orr to harass opposing QB’s. New DC Jim Leonard has all the tools to be a top 5 D in the NCAA. Capers take note!
On offense, the OL returns all starters and backups, except at LT (Ramczyk), but shirley another husky Sconnie farm boy is ready to take his place. Though WI loses its top two RB’s from 2016, don’t anticipate any dropoff there as Pitt transfer Chris James (remember that name) looks to bring everything to the table that Clement brought, plus a pass-catching upgrade. Bradrick Shaw returns this year and was an explosive backup RB last year. We still hope the receivers are not too thin and that Cephus steps up to help Jazz. Place kicker Rafa Gaglianone has returned from surgery after tweaking his back in some un-specified incident on Langdon Street, so expect more made 55-yard field goals and more missed extra points this year.
We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game
In a completely uncharacteristic approach to his draft day customs (insert sarcasm here), Ted Thompson took a defensive player from the PAC-12 with his 1st pick (a defensive back), followed by another defensive back with his 2nd pick. Is it possible to get whiplash from déjà vu? BTW, have you noticed how old Ted Thompson acts these days? He shuffles his feet and slurs his speech as a regular thing now. Pretty soon he’ll be pulling his belt up over his belly button and frequenting Perkins at 4pm. Coach believes that is why Elliot Wolf has been getting so much press conference time, sort of like Donald Trump Jr at the Republican convention (keep the camera on the pretty face with the golden tongue so nobody gets overly concerned with the real boob running the show).
Now, hitting on each of your picks is nearly impossible -- like trying to get last year’s sticker of off your license plate to cleanly apply this year's sticker as prescribed on the DMV instructions. But if you can get 2 better starters in the draft to improve a Final Four team, that’s pretty good. Throw in a couple developmental guys that will be solid contributors in the next coupletree years, and maybe an inexpensive Special Teamer or two, and that’s the makings of a decent draft. So let’s break it down…
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them
So last week we reflected on #1 overall draft pick and Hall of Famer, Paul Hornung. Let's just hope our 1st pick this year, Kevin King, will enjoy as much success as The Golden Boy did as a Packer. You know, though, there were several other Hall of Famers that played with Paul Hornung in the Glory Years, too. In fact, Hornung's backfield teammate announced Green Bay's first couple of selections in this year's draft donning his yellow jacket. So, without further ado, we have decided to salute the great Packers fullback, #31, James Charles Taylor (shown carrying the ball in the header picture at top), and we dedicate this week's JB edition to him. Here's some fun facts that you need to know about Jim Taylor...
And speaking of Hall Of Fame packers named "James" ... have you seen Jenna Jameson lately? She is still looking pretty sporty (considering the mileage). These recent photos got me thinking about dusting off the Bowflex and pondering, "What's my favorite Jenna Jameson movie?" What's yours? There’s so many greats to choose from like, Pulp Friction, Saving Ryan’s Privates, Goodwill Humping, The Cunt for Red October, Finding Nympho, and so on, and so on, but here’s my top 3 Jenna Jameson movies (in no particular order):
Anyways, Jim Taylor was a pretty good fullback.
See ya back here around September 7 to kick off the 2017 season and to pave the road to our inevitable Super Bowl 52 victory!
PS The Bears still suck.
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show !!!
Will this be the year? Will we feel the exhilaration of raising another Lombardi trophy, or will we just be jealous of Belichick again like the old lady in the back of the diner? (Click on Link).
Create a seam here - X's & O's about the game or a scheme
Since this is just the pre-draft edition of The Show!!! and not an actual information emergency, in lieu of reviewing what went well in the last game (i.e. we just played the Bears) or what didn’t (i.e. we just lost an away game to the Tennessee Titans which will have no bearing on our playoff positioning; however, your wife’s brother is wicked pissed because he dropped 4-large on a fandango trip to Memphis with his leechy best friend and a couple of gold diggers they just met on an airplane, but the Packers lost so bad that he had to keep his mouth shut for most of the game after overtly bragging to crowds of fans before kick-off and then the twenty-something hotties paired off with a couple of local boys), instead Coach will rate Ted Thompson’s picks from 3-years ago (as experts like to do) and also rate last year's rookie class, but using clever emoji depictions to represent each player’s contributions to Green Bay Packers success. So, without further ado, here we go…
WTF - The Coach's take on a bad ref call or a bad play call or the like
Well, apparently Aaron Rodgers has had enough of his girlfriend, Olivia Munn, and finally dumped her. It turns out the Obama administration had been surveilling Mr. Rodgers in 2016 because of his girlfriend's Asian descent and, therefore, her possible ties to North Korea. In this audio recording obtained exclusively by Coach Clarahanson, Rodgers' psycho hose beast girlfriend berates him as a "bad boyfriend" because he spends too much time golfing with his friends, fails to take her to a nearby art gallery, and so on and so forth (Click on Link).
Speaking of quarterbacks, in a very un-Favre like manner, Tony Romo has retired before he needed to. He could have gone on to greener playoff pastures in Denver or Houston, but was likely awarded a handsome sum under the table from Jerry Jones to walk away from the game "with class" as a Cowboy and let Dak Prescott enter the 2017 season as the undisputed starter in Big D. Tony’s legacy and place among NFL quarterbacks is securely cemented at No. 287 with the all-time greats. Well, there could be some debate whether he is No. 287 or 288 all-time, but he's certainly in that conversation. As for Prescott? Can you say “Teddy Bridgewater?” Tony will have the last laugh.
In other news…
NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles
NEW YORK—National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that, following one questionably positive year with a team returning to Los Angeles after 2 decades without NFL representation, and another team in tow, the City of Angels would become the home of all 32 NFL franchises by 2020.
"The league has met with Los Angeles city officials several times over the past few years in an attempt to bring a football team to the nation's second-largest market," Goodell said in a press conference held to unveil the NFL's realignment plan. "I'm happy to announce that we have finally reached a decision: Every single NFL team will be relocated to the Los Angeles metropolitan area over the next four years."
Goodell noted that Los Angeles, which had until last year been without an NFL franchise of its own since 1995, has everything the league is looking for in a comprehensive host city: previous experience in hosting more than one team, proximity to the nerve center of the entertainment industry, a diverse fan base, and a climate ideally suited for playing the traditionally autumnal sport of football well into the inhospitable winter months.
"Los Angeles is a perfect football city," added DeMaurice F. Smith, Executive Director of the NFL Players Association. "It's a mystery to me why no team has been able to make a go of it here during the modern era, when places like Pittsburgh and Green Bay enjoy rabid fan bases. Obviously, the solution that has always eluded us is to move the most popular teams here. I'm sure the die-hard followers of the Pacoima Steelers and the Toluca Lake Packers won't abandon their teams over a little thing like geography."
"Plus, the intricate L.A. highway system will cut team travel time by almost 25 percent," Smith added.
The NFL and city officials have reached a preliminary deal on terms to bring all the teams back to the Los Angeles area. The current divisional alignment will be preserved, with teams from the NFC and AFC North divisions making their home in northern L.A., creating such teams as the Van Nuys Vikings and Calabasas Browns. Teams in the Eastern divisions would become the Riverside Redskins and the Ontario Jets, southern teams would include the Fullerton Falcons and the Tustin Texans, and so on throughout the 10,000-square mile sprawl of metropolitan Los Angeles.
The reaction from fans and players alike has been mixed.
"This is certainly a bold move," said Matt Barkley, new quarterback of the Beverly Hills 49ers. "I can't say I saw it coming, but I’m glad to be back home and I'll continue working hard for my team, my coach, and the 49ers fans—the greatest fans in the world, no matter where they wind up living when this whole thing is over with."
"We're hoping that this announcement will put to rest any question of whether the league is waffling on the move of a couple teams such as the troubled Jacksonville Jaguars or the currently homeless Oakland Raiders down to Southern California," Goodell said. "Obviously, the answer is yes, we are—and every other team in the league, as well."
Culver City Chiefs
El Segundo Chargers
Santa Monica Seahawks
Beverly Hills 49ers
Toluca Lake Packers
La Crescenta Lions
Van Nuys Vikings
Diamond Bar Dolphins
Rancho Cucamonga Bills
Yorba Linda Jaguars
Santa Ana Saints
Rancho Santa Margarita Buccaneers
The Bears Still Suck - the Coach has proof
The Bears will be picking early in the 1st Round again this year – earlier than any other team in the NFC North Division (again). In 2016, like the year prior, and the year prior to that, the Bears ended up in LAST PLACE in the NFC North Division. To be fair, it takes 3 years to evaluate a draft class, so it’s fair to say the Bears suck at drafting professional football players and fielding competitive teams. Those are just the facts. No bias needed. You have to go way back to 2013 to see the Bears finish above the basement – a year in which they went 8-8 and called it a winning season. I suppose, only if you really suck as an organization and fan base, having 8 losses and not making the playoffs constitutes having a “winning” season.
En so I goes to pick up Mrs. Coach at O'Hare airport a few weeks ago... it's bad enough you gotta pay tolls for their dilapidated roadways once you cross the border ($2.80 just to get on, and another $1.90 to get off da road), but they require $1.50 in coins-only exact change currency at ORD and there's no attendants at the toll both there, so the lines are way backed up. Then, after scrounging the dried, soda-sticky cup holder for loose change, I realize I'm like 7-cents short of $1.50 in coins -- meanwhile the FIB ahole in the BMW behind me is honking his horn. So I figure - what the hell, it's only a dollar-fifty, I'll just drive through without paying. As I pass through, I happen to notice a teeny tiny little sign off to the side with a very long web address that I have 7-days to go to in order to pay my toll since I didn't happen to have 150 pennies conveniently stowed on my dashboard (or suffer an outrageous fine to pay for their license plate cameras). I think it said something like "Illinoistollwayscrewyou.com" or something like that, but it was way too long to remember or write down using the pen and paper that I also didn’t have readily accessible on my dashboard. Fyou Illinois. Chicago sucks. No wonder the Bears do, too.
Udder stuff - commentary from the Badger Underground
As per usual, a Badger offensive lineman is projected to be selected in the first round of the NFL draft. Ryan Ramjack is slated to go somewhere between 19th (TB) and 31st (ATL). He’s a 311-lb bruiser from Stevens Point who follows a long line of Sconnie guys who done good in the NFL (Mark Tauscher, Joe Thomas, etc. etc.).
The other name flying around is LB Trent Jordan Watt who looks like a 2nd rounder. T.J. shares his big bro’s wingspan and tenacity, but also his propensity to injury. There is scuttlebutt around about TT taking TJ in the first round. While that would be uber cool if he works out, it would probably continue Ted's defensive draft mediocrity. LB Vince Biegel also will go to some lucky team in the 3rd or 4th round, and many bloviating draft pundits are suggesting Biegel will be the better pro of the two.
QB Bart Houston has his hat in the ring with hopes of getting a spot carrying a clip board but more likely will wind up in the CFL. Robert Wheelwright visited Green Bay with an apparent eye on a scout team slot. RB’s Corey Clement and Ogabuckawally will probably wind up somewhere.
This season looks very promising for Bucky Football! Look for Alex Hornibrook to make a huge jump in maturity and poise in his sophomore year. Word has it he spent his spring break with quarterback whisperer George Whitfield Jr. This bodes very well. Let’s just hope his decision making improves and he does not get sacked so dang much! Let’s also hope he has someone to throw to! Other than Jazz Peavey and Troy Fumagalli, it looks like slim pickins’ so far for WR’s and TE’s. We shall see.
We will have the usual stable of great RB’s behind a solid OL. The hot prospect is Chris James, a Pitt transfer who followed Coach Chryst to Madison. He is wowing the press corps in Spring practices. Brad Shaw will be back and will be sharing duties toting the rock.
The D will be solid. If you can look past the second half of the Penn State game, our CB’s were pretty decent last year. UW ranked second in the country in INT’s believe it or not with 22. They look to be at least as good this year with Hawaii transfer CB Nick Nelson. He played against Bucky in 2015 and liked the trip so much he decided to transfer. He will be lining up with Derrick Tinder, Dakota Dixon, and converted WR Natrell Jamerson. If necessary, D-coordinator and former UW Safety standout Jimmy Leonhard will suit up, too.
Expect the LB’s to continue kicking ass despite the losses of the aforementioned Biegel and Watt. Chris Orr is back and look for Jack Cichy to KATN as usual.
As for predictions, we see 11-1 or 10-2. Highlight games are against Florida Atlantic head coached by Lane “Polychronopolous” Kiffin (Click on Link) of ’Bama, USC, and Tennessee fame, and against Michigan on November 18 head coached by snarly Mr. Khaki Pants. No Buckeye. No Penn State. No Michigan State. See you in Indy!
We're gonna kick your a$$ - predictions for the next game
If you read the works of local Packers beat reporters Rob Demovsky and Pete Dougherty, you'll become dumber and you’d be convinced that trading down -- out of the 1st round for multiple 2nd rounders, would be a good thing this year because there is so much 1st round talent available in the 2017 draft. But Coach is here to tell you, it is best to keep our #29 pick and even trade UP for another player in the back half of the 1st round at the risk of a reduced quantity of overall draftees. As a Final 4 team in 2016, the Packers don't need a lot of picks, they just need a coupletree really good players on both sides of the LOS in order to win more Super Bowls. See also, the 1984 Super Bowl champion 49ers trading up from 28 to 16 to get Jerry Rice. Not that past is prologue, but picking in the back half of the 1st round is better than acquiring multiple 2nd round picks for NFL teams that plan on sustaining success... here's why: all 1st round picks are subject to a 5th year team option (which has a predetermined salary at a bargain rate). In contrast, 2nd round picks get a 4-year rookie deal (max) and subsequently hit the free agency market for big bucks in year numero cinco. Yep, if you’re a pretty good player, you’ll probably be better off financially to be drafted in the 2nd round than the 11 through 32 spots in the 1st round. So Coach is here to tell you what Ted (and Elliot) should already know … give up your 2nd round pick this year (plus a guy or two in later rounds) to get another instant play maker somewhere between 11-32, and keep two instant starters for 5 years at rookie salaries instead of losing a bunch of really good talent to free agency in 4 years.
“So, Coach, then who should we draft to win Super Bowl LII?” Well, I’m glad you asked Tommy. In the words of Captain Obvious, “…a lot of it is out of our control" so Ted has to be prepared for a myriad of scenarios that he could be presented with in each round. In general, though, Ted has pretty much whiffed at drafting defensive talent, only connecting on decent players 16% of the time. And, despite Coach’s curbed enthusiasm for the Big Legume, Dum Capers can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip. Historically, with a couple exceptions (Mike Daniels, Sam Shields) Ted has mostly only struck gold on his high draft picks (Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, BJ Raji, Clay Matthews), but unfortunately even that’s no guarantee of success (Datone Jones, Justin Harrell). So, Ted and Elliot need to go all-in to get 2 defensive rock stars in round 1 -- with an emphasis on pass rush and pass defense (“You’re welcome.” – Captain Obvious).
Guard - (Huh? Coach, I thought you said Defense?) Well, I did, but I'm not starting with 1st round needs. Ted is good at finding O-linemen in later rounds, so maybe there's a diamond G in the 4th round rough.
Corner - Lots of talent to choose from in this draft... perhaps a couple of nice options late in the 1st and 3rd rounds, as I would trade the 2nd and one of our two 5th round picks and next year's 2nd for the ~15th overall pick this year to get another need...
OLB - Ted hit on Clay, but that's about it. Coach say move up to mid-1st round and get a slam dunk pro bowler.
There. Now we're ready for the Super Bowl. Oh yeah, the other 5th / 6th / 7th round picks? Good time for a Running Back selection and some more Linebackers. Vince Biegel would be a steal in the 5th (see also, Jared Abbrederis -- wah, waaaaaah).
So, in summary, look for Thompson to draft 3 or 4 wide receivers this year to pad the practice squad some more. But seriously folks... The Packers are in a good enough spot with roster construction that they can truly go with the best player available late in the 1st round (assuming there is still a guy on the board that is clearly a talent level above the rest of the class) and not come to regret it (see also, Aaron Rodgers). And, since late 1st rounders are more economical over the span of their careers than any 2nd rounder, if Ted can trade a coupla picks to move up for a superstar talent in an area of need, then he should do so (see also, Clay Matthews). Of course, on the other hand Ted can always waste a 1st pick on an undersized DL from the PAC-12 that is otherwise projected to go in a mid/late round, and use him sparingly when he's not injured until he has a "breakout" season at OLB in his contract year. Coach refers to this drafting strategy as the Packers “West Coast Defense”...Nobody will copy it, and the coaching tree is just a trunk.
JB - Packer players you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them
Before we head into the 2017 draft, it might be good luck to look back at a really good #1 pick made following an abysmal year in Green Bay. In 1956, the Packers went a very Bears-like 4-8 (no, Bears fans, that is not a winning season). So it was no surprise when the Packers selected Paul Hornung, the Notre Dame quarterback and 1956 Heisman trophy winner, as the 1st overall pick in the 1957 draft. Hornung led almost every statistical category on both offense and defense at Notre Dame in 1956 … the guy was truly a play maker. He excelled at running, passing, kick-offs, returning kicks, kicking field goals, punting, and playing defense. When he dislocated his thumbs (each one, separate occasions), he lined up exclusively at running back.
As a Packer, Hornung wore number 5 and won 4 NFL championships including Super Bowl I. Ironically, though, he was the only Packer on the roster who did not actually play in Super Bowl I, as he had a pinched nerve and chose not to enter the game in the 4th quarter.
Hornung led the league in scoring for three straight seasons from 1959-61. During the 1960 season, the last with just 12 games, he set an all-time record by scoring 176 points. Hornung also passed for two additional touchdowns, which did not add to his point-scoring total. The record stood until the 2006 season, when LaDainian Tomlinson scored 180 points with his 30th touchdown, leaving him with four points more than Hornung's record (but in his 14th game, compared to Hornung's 12 games). I don’t recall LT ever laying out defensive ends like Hornung did, though, on the power sweep (see picture at top of the blog header).
Off the field, Hornung was a notorious partier and ladies man. He was nicknamed “the Golden Boy” by his Notre Dame teammates for all the attention he got from the co-eds at nearby St. Mary’s women’s college (no broads allowed at ND back then). Like most athletes in the late ’50s and early ’60s, Paul was a heavy drinker and smoked like a chimney. His gambling escapades are the stuff of legend. In fact, it was Paul Hornung, not Alan “Pete” Rose, who famously coined the phrase, "It's not gambling when you know you're going to win." (Click on Link)
Here’s something you won’t find on Wikipedia… Paul Hornung, being an NFL Hall of Famer and a Notre Dame alum, had his own weekly TV show in the West Bend, IN area in the 1990’s. In one episode, Brett Favre was Paul’s special guest of the week. The Packers had just come off of their Super Bowl XXXI victory and Brett had previously announced publically that he had given up drugs and alcohol. Of course, in reality he did nothing of the sort… Hornung and Favre spent the morning and early afternoon golfing prior to Paul’s late afternoon TV show. After Bloody Mary’s at the 1st tee, Brett and Paul were downing strong Long Island ice teas as they went through the front 9 (yes, Paul was surprised to observe that Brett had privately fallen off the wagon, but did not stop him). It got to the point where Paul had to say “No more for me and, Brett, and you should probably lay off the booze now, too – we’ve got a show to do in a couple of hours.” But Brett laughed and continued pounding the cocktails right up until show time. Now, Hornung knew Favre was 3 sheets to the wind, but nobody else was the wiser, and the show went on without a hitch. Years later Paul Hornung told that story after Brett had retired from football. And now you know the rest of the story.
Yes, Paul Hornung was an excellent fit for Green Bay, and a role model for young boys growing up in Wisconsin. Here’s one of his many Public Service Announcements (Click on Link). So, Golden Boy, for being one of the best Packers and NFL players of all time, and for outsmarting lung cancer after smoking 2 packs of Marlboro reds a day, and for not ratting out Brent Favor when he was busy texting photos of his genitalia to New York female sports reporters amidst a barrage of drunken stupors, you’re swell and we salute you!
"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground.