Welcome back to the Coach Clarahanson Show !!! This year (being the Packers’ 100th) calls for something special, so Coach thought he’d dole out a bonus episode as the preseason training camp begins. You’re welcome. As always, Coach loves to hear from you (keep the fan mail coming, but don’t make my head get too big!), and loves to read through your brilliant contest entries. Special congratulations goes out to Phillip Ostryzewiczek from Sobieski, winner of this week’s contest: “Top 10 names that could be dudes from England” … Phillip’s winning entries were
Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Well, you might as well cancel your 2018 playoff tickets order. In a surprise move that shocked Packer nation, this year’s rookie from the state of Utah, Defensive Tackle Filipo Mokofisi, was placed on the Reserved/Retirement list on May 21 and his NFL career appears to be over. Gute on you, Filipo. In other Packers news, both Ted Thompson and Mark Murphy have their houses up for sale. We all know Ted is out, so that’s no big deal. At his age, it’s dangerous for his hip’s sake to be out in Wisconsin weather most months. However, the prospect that our Lawyer-In-Chief might also be on his way out has Coach really excited! It’s no secret that Coach feels Alfred E. Neumann fails to truly understand what makes the Packers special and different. Murph’s more worried about politically correct, trendy revenue caches than making money the old fashioned way in the NFL -- by winning championships. For example, when I was a kid the Packers Hall of Fame was great because of the unique story next to each player’s cleats and leather helmet. Now the PHoF is a bunch of Hollywood flash and glitz … great for 1-timers visiting Green Bay from larger metropolitan cities, but not what is going to keep the hometown fans loyal to the cause. The Packers announced last week the PHoF was their one revenue stream that did NOT meet expectations in 2017, due to lack of local visitors. Under Murphy, the Packer Way is more likely to become a new name for Ridge Road than a locker room full of talent that is focused on winning a championship every year. You can hear it what he says (e.g. “It’s hard to win in the NFL.” and “Just making the playoffs looks pretty good right now.”). So, if you happen to have a cool $1.5 million burning a hole in your pocket, I recommend buying his 7,400 sq-ft, 8-bathroom chateau on the Fox River and expedite his exit from Green Bay. Murphy publically released a dismissive statement saying, in effect, he’s not leaving the Packers anytime soon and is just selling his house because “It’s time for a new family to enjoy it as much as we did.” Rrrrrrrright. In other Packers news… Rodgers Stiffs Holy Man KATHMANDU,NEPAL–Aaron Rodgers and his famous love interest Danica Patrick went on a goodwill trip this past April, where they met with the 14th (and current) Dalai Lama. For the ignorance-is-bliss crowd, Dalai Lamas are important monks of the Gelug school, the newest school of Tibetan Buddhism. The head monk purportedly used the QB’s visit as an opportunity hit up Rodgers for a cash donation to the monastery. Rodgers could not be reached for comment, but the Dalai Lama confided later that “Aaron told me ‘...there will be no money involved, but when you die, on your mantle, you will have this football.’ so I got that going for me, which is nice!” The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Oh, those dysfunctional Bears, you gotta love ‘em… After their 1st complete week of training camp, the Bears still do not have their 1st round draft pick Roquan Smith signed! How can you not sign your 1st round pick? It’s a canned formula based on draft position. You don’t even have to think about it. The contract is pre-written – just sign it! What a bunch of complete jackasses. 2018 is starting off for Chicago just the way you’d expect the worst organization in the NFL to begin. Bears QB Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Practice CHICAGO—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of training camp, Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky was reportedly pissed off last Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during the first official team practice of the season. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out there and run, like, 10,000 steps,” said the former first-round pick, adding that failing to log his activity stung even harder because he was merely 800 steps away from earning Fitbit’s “Ruby Slippers” badge, which he’d been attempting to earn throughout Bears OTA’s. “Ugh, now I’m going to have this weird dip in my activity, and my training camp weight goal is totally going to be messed up. And I just know Chase Daniel is going to rub it in my face—he was running like a mad man out there; there’s no way he didn’t beat my step record.” ADVERTISEMENT – “Hi, I’m Joan London and I want to tell you about A Place To Put Mom… I first heard about A Place To Put Mom decades ago when my own mother was elderly. They took care of her so I wouldn’t have to. At this point I’m really too old to be a relatable spokesperson to people that need this service for their parents, yet The Place (as I call it) still pays me to do these commercials. As fate would have it, though, I’ve started to shit myself uncontrollably — so I did something about it. That’s right, I’ve put MYSELF away — and I’m sure my kids really appreciate it. If your old enough to know who I am, and you don’t want to be a burden to your family, give A Place To Put Mom a call, or get off the Davenport and have your kids show you how to use the internets to find the website house page. A Place To Put Mom ... because nobody wants to change their parents’ diapers.” WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Serial Pooper at Practice Field Has Ties to Training Camp Dorms DE PERE, WI–Authorities said they cracked the case of a mysterious serial pooper targeting the Packers outdoor practice field, and the identity of the suspect came as quite a surprise: the training camp dormitory superintendent! The Ashwaubenon Volunteer Police Squadron (AVPS) said the resource officer monitoring activity surrounding Lambeau Field was alerted to the feces fiasco at Ray Nitschke Field by training camp staff. According to investigators, the stool scoundrel was defecating on the field “on a daily basis” leading up to the start of training camp. The resource officer, along with some staff, collected samples from evenings prior and surveilled the field for the dastardly defecator, which led to identification of the suspect as 49-year-old Bradly Kramer. He lives several miles from the practice field, but moonlights as the superintendent of the DePere college dorm facilities during Packers training camp while players are hold up there to prevent conjugal activities at home with wives or retired race car drivers when they should be studying their playbooks. Kramer, which some on social media have dubbed the “pooper-intendent,” was charged with lewdness, littering, and defecating in public. He later lamented that he would have gotten away with it if detectives hadn’t matched their evidence to the corn cobs that he threw into his trash can. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground The 2018 Badger’s season is off to a good (albeit meaningless) start with Alex Hornibrook’s win in the QB challenge at the Manning Passing Academy. And now, sports fans, a much less meaningless look at the co-eds coming to the UW campus next month! You're welcome. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Assistant Coach Assigns Training Camp Roommates Like Wise Town Matchmaker DE PERE, WI—Studying the new guys as if he alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Packers Offensive Line Assistant Jeff Blasko reportedly assigned rookie roommates to each other this week like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements. “Jaire, I think Equanimeous would be perfect for you—he’s a nice, kind receiver,” said Blasko, who skillfully paired the newbies by character and temperament as if they were village sons and daughters for whom he was shrewdly brokering a wedding dowry. “Oh, and Oren? You should be with J’Mon. He’s a little anxious, but I bet you’ll be able to calm him down just fine.” At press time, Blasko was guiding a shy undrafted free agent toward the rambunctious JK Scott as though he were a naïve maiden being pressured into wedding the town’s most drunken and irritable landowner. Report: Dez Bryant Could Be Perfect Fit For NFL Team Lacking Locker Room Cancer FRISCO, TX – In an ironic twist of football fate, recently released Cowboys wide out, Dez Bryant, can’t find a football team to play for. The Baltimore Ravens offered the psychologically challenged receiver a $20 million 3-year deal, but the maturity and mathematically bereft free agent purportedly insisted on a 1-year deal in order to show NFL teams what he can do and then hit pay dirt going into the 2019 season. Green Bay Packers RT Brian Bulaga refused a “be flexible for the sake of the team” pay cut leading up to the draft, but team officials refused to admit it was Bulaga’s intent to keep Bryant out of Green Bay. The Packers did, however, subsequently draft 1 Offensive Tackle this year (the same quantity as Long Snappers and Punters), amidst a whopping 3 Wide Receivers in a 7 round draft format. Gute call. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Since Aaron Jones’ 2-game suspension for being arrested with weed (#DumbAss), there’s been much debate on local sports talk radio about who will be the leading rusher for the team this year, and if he can break that meaningless 1,000 yards glass ceiling. Can Jones light things up (pun intended) if he doesn’t tote the rock until week 3? Will Jamaal Williams pick up where he left off and be the elusive, bruising back that we saw glimpses of late last year? Will Devante Mays make the Year 2 leap that McCarthy often talks about? Oh yeah, and don’t forget about Ty Montgomery (#TradeBait)! Well, as long as the Packers have Aaron Rodgers and 3 RB’s suited up each week, it is unlikely the ball can be sufficiently spread around on the ground to get any of them enough touches to compile 1,000 yards in 2018. Since Favre took over under center (that’s 3 locations) in ‘92, there have been 5 guys to reach the 1,000 yards mark: Edgar Bennett (1,067 in 1995), Dorsey Levens (twice, 1,435 in 1997), Ahman Green (5 times, including his team record 1,883 yards in 2003), Ryan Grant (twice, 1,253 in 2009), and Eddie Lacy (twice, 1,178 as a rookie in 2013). The first Packer to rush for 1,000 yards was Hall of Famer Tony Canadeo (1,052 in 1949). It took another 11 years before Jim Tayler got over 1,000 yards in 1960, which he repeated 4 more years in a row, followed in the early ‘70s with three 1,000 yards seasons by John Brockington. But the longest gap in seasons with a 1,000 yards rusher spanned a whopping 16 years, starting with this week’s hero, Terdell Middleton, in 1978 (1,116 yards) and it didn’t end until the Mudder in 1995. Terdell “TD” Middleton played college ball at Memphis and was actually drafted in 1977 by the St. Louis Cardinals football team in the 3rd round. He was then traded to the Packers in the preseason. His 6th-best rushing yardage total in the NFL earned him a spot in the Pro Bowl after the 1978 season. That was his peak, and his overall career as a Packers RB can pretty much be summed up as a 1-year wonder who lasted 5 years in Green Bay. He subsequently played a couple of seasons for Tampa Bay (#BayOfPigs) before falling to the USFL ranks playing for the Memphis Showboats in 1984.
Sadly, Middleton died in Memphis on April 3, 2015, five days short of his 60th birthday. But, Terdell, we posthumously salute you as the 4th Packers rusher in history to reach that elusive 1,000 yard mark, which likely won’t be reached by a Packers RB in 2018. I hope you learned something today. I know I did. I doubt the Bears did, though. Coach will be back before we face those pussies in Week 1. Until then, muskies beware!
0 Comments
|
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
Categories |