Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …Rodgers has Happy Feet… … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Coach says: you can only play who’s on your schedule! Coach hears you. Yes, we are 2-1, “but”. Yes, the Bears suck, and we killed them. Yes, the Buc’s were down some players, but they have the GOAT, the heat & humidity of FLA where we seldom win in September. Be honest, with Coach here … did you really expect to win? We are only three games into the Season, but we just beat one of the Super Bowel favorites, in their home stadium. Embrace it Jimmy, roll around in it a bit … Coach tole’ya we would win … let’s have a gander back to what Coach said last week, shall we? To summarize:
Brady was too exhausted to throw another tablet this week as predicted… OK boys, you skip ahead to WWGKYA now … or continue if you wanna know ‘bout da game. Uh oh … here we go … Brady’s got our number Despite all the off-season banter about having a “Top Defense” … be honest fer a minute, this pass scared the crap out of you, didn’t it Jimmy? Norm Van der Loop immediately sent a message to Coach … “for buckets sake, the bucking orange popsicles are going to bucking score a bucking touch down on their opening drive, just like the bucking Queens and the Bears.” The first sign of good news in the game came a few plays later when Kenny Clark drove through TB Guard Luke Goedeke for a Brady sack; forcing a FG by the Bucs. Luke-go-what-ety? Ya, da kid from down da road here in Whitelaw. I’m purty sher he knows youse. He went to Valders HS. Better luck next time Luke. Luke’s’ career is off to a splendid start; he has two false starts in 3 games. * * Note: this random and interesting thought about Luke Goedeke, with no apparent relationship with anything about the game, nor any conclusion, was added for your edification. See also: Pennel, Mike and Horror Show, Rocky. The whole off-season Packer Nation has been handwringing about the WR position … “oh know, what will we ever do without Da’Vandre Adams?” For those of youse scoring at home… … add to that the number of Souper Bowls we won with Adams … yeah, bupkus, right? There is no doubt in Coach’s mind that Gutey got the best of the trade with the Raiders. Good luck Da’Vandre! Getting to the HOF with your bestie Carr pulling the trigger looks like a pipe dream. Ask Gutey and you shall receive … we drafted three WR’s this year and added another high profile WR in Free Agency and it looks like we’re gonna be OK. The offense looked great, particularly on the first drive of the game. After a cuppla runs and short passes, Rodgers hit Romeo Nelson-Dubbs on a 21-yard in route. Cobby also had a nice 17-yard reception and Jonesy had a 10-yard run on the driver, which was capped off by Nelson-Dubbs’ first NFL TD. No Davante Adams? No Problem No Sammy Watkins? No Problem No Christian Watson? No Problem Don’t know which one is which? No Problem (Coach doesn’t know either and isn’t going to bother getting to know them until we know they are not too fragile for the NFL.) Alas, all was not perfect on Offense. The Buc’s shut down our running game in the 2nd half and we shot ourselves in the foot several times. This shot downfield with 3:24 left in the 4th Qtr. would have put us up 21-6 … but Nelson-Dubbs ran too deep and knocked-down Winfield. Dammit. Janet. {BTW … Island Resort & Casino is hosting a screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, including costume contests.} Nelson-Dubbs looks like he’s gonna be good, but he’s still got a buncha Rookie in him that Coach will sweat out of him by December. The offense was dominant and used up 16:48 of the 1st-Half on three drives and were about to go up 21-3 when A Jones fumbled. To be fair to Jones, he took a helluva shot from Vita Vea that caused him to fumble … and Rodgers even blamed himself for poor ball placement. But what is it with Erin LaFleur? As soon as something goes wrong, they panic and abandon the plan. Who knows the negative plays cause bad calls by LaFleur or if it’s Rodgers who changes the plays, but they did the same thing in the Playoff loss to SF last January. We were rolling until Marcedes Lewis fumbled, and then Erin LaFleur panicked and went into a shell. But this year seems to be different … we are not 100% dependent on the Offense. Defense & Special Teams. Coach sure hopes that Keisean Nixon got hisself a game ball! That man was all over the place on Sunday. When Jaire Alexander went out early with a groin injury, Rasul Douglas slide outside and Nixon came in as the Nickel DB and he played great! Keisean demonstrates the “Peanut Punch” and forces a fumble early in the 3rd that killed a promising Bucs’ drive. You may be asking yourself, self, who the hell is Keisean Nixon (#25)? He, along with Rudy Ford (#20) and Dallin Leavit (#6), were brought in by Rich Bisaccia to beef up Special Teams, especially coverage units. Nice call Rich and well done Gutey (for bringing in his guys)! The Buc’s drive started on the 2 and they were held to ZERO Yards! The subsequent punt was returned to the Bucs 32-yard line by Amaroni Rodgers … wow … in FG range, well done Amaroni!! “However” … a BS “running into the kicker” penalty, plus an added on Illegal Block on the repeat kick, cost us a net 33-yards in field position. Crapola. With 3:04 left in Regulation Time, we punted back to Brady & the Bucs … and the collective sphincters of all Packer Nation tensed. Fast as you can say “I feel the pain of Vicki Vallencourt breaking up with me” the Bucs were in the EZ … and the score was 14-12. Crapola. And then … and then … next thing you know … another Gutey find, last year’s other scrap-heap-bargain basement find … De’Vondre Campbell … was tipping away the 2-pt conversion attempt and we win!! After three games we have the Number 6 Scoring Defense (15 ppg) and what looks to be pretty good Special Teams … we’ll take it! With the Offense at #27 we have some work to do, but with both tackles back and some pretty good young talent, Coach is very optimistic about where this team is headed! WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Brett Favre Defends Use Of State Welfare Money To Build Shelter For Homeless Volleyballs HATTIESBURG, MS—Defending his decision to divert millions in government funds to a sports center at the University of Southern Mississippi, Brett Favre told reporters Thursday that he actually used state welfare money to build a shelter for homeless volleyballs. “Sadly, the media is accusing me of stealing money from the poor, when in reality, I was using that money to construct volleyball courts to help some of the most vulnerable and disenfranchised sports equipment in our state,” said the former NFL quarterback, adding that the $5 million sports complex was specifically designed to give Mississippi volleyballs a safe environment where they could rest, find a support system, and, someday, with hard work, maybe even make it to the Olympics. “As a proud Mississippian, I promise all these welfare funds will be used appropriately to provide nets and courts to the poorest volleyballs in the nation’s poorest state. Many of these less fortunate volleyballs have led difficult lives in which they have been bumped and spiked into submission. Today, with the help of these funds, maybe the volleyballs can heal.” At press time, Favre blasted the release of text messages between himself and former Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant, claiming that a volleyball at the welfare office had assured him everything was above board. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Fans Reflexively Hold Breath Every Time Jarred Field Moves CHICAGO—Clutching the arms of their chairs and forcing themselves not to look away, the entire fanbase of the Chicago Bears was reportedly reflexively holding their breath during their game against the Houston Texans last Sunday every time 2nd year quarter back Jarred Field moved. “I can’t watch,” several Bears fans were heard to involuntarily utter whenever the 10th overall draft pick from a season ago changed directions, twisted his legs, or moved his body in any way. “Oh, god, please don’t try to escape those guys, just fall down. It’s not worth it! Did he land weird on that one? Is he okay? Oh Christ, our linemen need to stay the fuck away from him!” The Texans pass rushers, like the Packers and 49ers in preceding weeks, were not halted in the least bit by the Bears offensive line and put relentless pressure on Field, inching him ever closer to a season-ending injury. In the 3 games played, Field – the face of the Bears franchise, ranks 23rd amongst NFL quarterbacks and has only 2 TD passes versus 4 interceptions, yielding and a meager passer rating of 50.0. At press time, the entire Bears fanbase was reportedly doing research on Carson Wentz, Teddy Bridgewater, Cam Newton and Robert Griffin III, paying special attention to their success in the league following early career injuries. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Engram and Chryst Unveil Offensive Playbook Against tOSU Secretly housed for months deep within a hidden library in Science Hall under lock and key, Paul and Bobby ceremoniously removed the 2000 page leather bound and embroidered document that had been painstakingly compiled and vetted for the last 8 months. It took the two of them to heave the tome into a pickup and get it to the Camp Randall meeting room, landing on the work table with a thud. We witnessed the fruits of this epic planning mission Saturday night. TV pundits are saying that this groundbreaking and innovative playbook was instrumental in all 21 of Wisconsin’s garbage time points, which started with 13 minutes remaining in the first half, Badgers down 0-28. Here are some highlights. A Braelon Allen wildcat run led to UW’s first TD. He also completed a 10 yard pass that left the Buckeyes scratching their helmets. The zany new receiver routes were instrumental in a whopping 104 receiving yards. The new OL blocking stunts had the 3rd string Buckeye D tied in knots. Here at BU, we think that maybe the coaches’ time would have been better spent getting the team fired up and ready for the game. We can’t wait to see what excitement is in store next week against the Fighting Ill. In case you are wondering (which we were), this was not the worst loss ever by the Badgers. Even worse than the 2014 shallacking to tOSU 0-59, the worst was 0-63 against Minnesota a week after killing UW Whitewater 106-0, in 1890. Saturday’s 21-52 drubbing was really over at 0-28 and was our worst case scenario. The team just plain did not show up and did not look ready to play (for the second time this year). 52 points was the most allowed by a Leonard-coached D. Needless to say, Benton and Herbig had their draft bubbles burst on the “draft changing” night as they over-confidently dubbed it in a pre-game presser. Ten NFL reps were in the booth during the game and many more were watching on national TV. We will see how these players respond in coming weeks. Chryst's awe-shucks demeanor and humility are admirable, but Bucky needs a little fire and cockiness, somewhere between PJ Douche (always the center of attention) and the current milquetoast approach. Bucky being pretty good is getting stale. Also, one of his family members should tell him to close his mouth when not talking as his mouth-breather look is unbecoming for the head coach. Bring back the Paul "Turnover chain my fcking ass" Chryst! Bret Wins Coveted Badger Underground Prize MADISON, WI – Yes, it is true. Univerisity of Illinois Head Footbal coach, Bret Bielema has won the BU annual Mr. Creosote look-a-like contest. He is no doubt an inspiration to recovering anorexics everywhere. Dane County area Old Country Buffets have decided to go on full lockdown until Sunday night. We still like our chances to win the Big Ten West. It comes down to the Minnesota game and we won't let them win the Ax in our house (again). The guys with broken legs will be back by then, the starting tackles will be back by then and our top cover corner will be back by then. Remember that most players out there right now are part of two very good recruiting classes in a row—at least on paper. It wouldn’t surprise us if the team goes on a big winning streak starting Saturday and waltz back into the OSU woodchipper in the Big Ten championship. And, what about those FIB’s? These guys lost to Indiana. The Illinois offense is better than it was last season and UW’s defense isn’t as good as it was last season. The Syracuse QB transfer is a big upgrade, but he’s no Tony Eason. Though the running back is good, Wisconsin’s scheme full of plodders should stop him. Other than a little frickin play action, cut out the stupid stuff that cost us the Wazzu game. Time to get dialed in. This is a statement game, not a hangover game. The players don’t care that Bielema coached the Badgers when they were nine years old. Getting revenge against Bret Bielema will fall on the backs of the cantankerous old people who can remember the ancient tale of betrayal from 2012. We’ll venture 28-17 Bucky. Looking around the Big Ten, here is a word from this week’s BU sponsor, Thongwatcher USA, subsidiary of Voyeurs Anonomous, (Join Here): We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Now with the Bucs behind us, it’s “on to Cincinnati” in the famous words of Hoodie. The Patriots have started the Season 1-2, but the two losses have come against teams that are a collective 5-1. Traditionally, Hoodie uses the first part of the Season to figure out his team and then comes on strong later. But we all reach our “Sell By” date at some point, and evidence is begging to mount that the Hoodie should be thinking about greener pastures. The New England Patriots lost longtime offensive coordinator Josh McDaniel this offseason, as he left to go mismanage the Las Vegas Raiders. And, Hoodie hasn't officially named a defensive coordinator since Matt Patricia left to coach the Detroit Lions in 2018 (Patricia is back now as Obenführer der D-Line). "I'm not big on titles," Belichick said at the NFL league meetings. Bill Belichick at this week’s press conference denying that he is old and tired to be GM, Head Coach, O-Coordinator, D-Coordinator and Supervisor of Game Ball Pressure. Interesting approach Bill, but so far not a demonstrated strategy for winning. Since Tampa Tom left the Pats, they have had an unsuccessful experiment with Fig Newton at QB and then drafted Alabama QB Mac Jones at 15th overall in 2021. Coach isn’t sure why, but some have questioned Jones’ commitment to athletic training and if he “really loves football”. Mac has pretty decent career stats thus far … … and the Pats made the Playoffs with him at the helm last year. However, fussball is a pretty tough sport and Jones had an owwie last week. Apparently, the hang nail he suffered will prevent him from playing at Lambeau this week. His replacement? Funny you should ask Jimmy; Coach was wondering the same thing. Brian Hoyer. Axel Edward Brian Hoyer joined the Pats in 2009 as an undrafted free agent. He went on to start games for eight different teams, the second-most in league history (Ryan Fitzpatrick has started for 9). This is his third stint with the Pats. After making the team in 2009, he was cut in 2012, re-signed in 2017, cut in 2019 and re-signed in 2020. Overall, he has thrown for 10,000 yards, 53 TD, 35 INT’s and a Passer Rating of 82.9 Jim McMahon is probably on to something. Chicago is where QB’s go to die. Hoyer made one appearance at Lambeau in 2016 with the Bears when he proved the Bears really, really, really, really, really, really suck, the Bears still suck. Statistically (yes Jimmy, only 3 games) we match up pretty well. The Pats and us are both anemic on Offense, and they just got worse with Jones’ injury. Defensively we are doing much better and are giving up 9 fewer points per game. Add-in home field advantage and we have an almost 10-point advantage. The initial line was “only” 8.5 for the Packers, but Coach predicts the line will go beyond the current 10.5. Historically the Packers and Pats have had very few match-up and we are tied overall (including our win in SB XXXI) So, to summarize … a 1-2 team with a substandard QB and a tired Coach is coming to town on Sunday. What’s not to like? Romeo Nelson-Dubbs had a fantastic game in Tampa Bay last week, look for him to break the Packers Rookie Record of 9 catches in a game this (Max McGee, 9 in 1954), maybe even this week. The Defense will continue to dominate and probably get 2 interceptions of Hoyer in addition to a guaranteed forced fumble. Last but not least, Special Teams will continue to improve. Dec 19th, 2010, … On Sunday Night Football at Foxboro, Guard Dan Connolly exposes Packers Head Coach Melissa McCarthy’s plan to sabotage Packers Special Teams. No such luck Melissa. Your evil plan worked for over a decade, but now Rich Bisaccia and his boys to the rescue … Rudy* Ford (#40) has been an absolute killer on coverage teams ... *Rudy was in fact nick named for the movie … Coach sees our first double digit win of 2022 … a nice blow out at Lambeau. Packers 31 Pats 17 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them So Bakhtiari is back(ish), but Yosh Nijman has actually filled in quite nicely in David’s stead, so what do you do when you have 2 serviceable Left Tackles and 0 rock-solid Right Tackles? Yosh is just gaining confidence at LT, and he has struggled at RT in years past. Bakhtiari is a savvy veteran … why not try him over on the right side? Elgton Jenkins, an interior lineman, is doing what he can over in the Right Tackle spot, but – let’s face it, he’s no Greg Koch. Drafted in the 2nd round out of Arkansas in 1977, Koch backed up veteran right tackle Dick Himes that season and started only three games, two when Himes was hurt and one when left tackle Mark Koncar was injured. A year later, Koch beat out Himes in training camp and held the right tackle position through 1985. In nine years with the Packers, where he missed only two games and started all but four after his rookie year, Koch was never chosen for the Pro Bowl or named to an all-pro team. The closest he came was in 1982 when he was chosen second team by the Newspaper Enterprise Association. But Koch had the abiding respect of most of the players and coaches who counted on him the most. Teammate Larry McCarren said of Koch, “The man was born to drive block. Strong, athletic … he'd rip off the ball, ram his head right into the defender's numbers and knock him off the line of scrimmage. He could single-handedly punch a hole in a defense, and he did it consistently. You see a lot of grabbing on and wrestling in today's game, but with Greg, it was all about hitting folks. When it came to pass protection, he had to temper that aggression but even when making the transition from bruiser to technician he'd still find a way to get the last shove in. Greg made second-team all-pro after one season. He should have been a regular honoree, not to mention a perennial Pro Bowler." Never shy about speaking his mind, Koch didn't endear himself to every teammate and coach. He also walked out of camp for 16 days before the 1985 season over differences with new offensive line coach Jerry Wampfler. While Koch started 16 games that season and played well, he was cut on Aug. 4, 1986. A week later, he signed with Miami and started 16 games there. After a lengthy holdout in 1987, Koch signed and started one game for the Dolphins before being traded to Minnesota, where he ended his career starting at right guard in the NFC championship. After football Greg teamed up with his brothers Charles and David to form what has become the 2nd largest privately owned company in the United States (with 2019 revenues of $115 billion). Their father, Frederick, developed the preferred cracking method for the refinement of heavy crude oil into gasoline, and the boys brought that technology forward with successful distribution channels in the years leading up to the current decade, thereby facilitating energy independence for America.
So this week we salute you, Greg Koch, for knocking the snot out of Packers foes in the 1980’s and for dropping the price of gasoline to $2 per gallon in 2020.
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Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: …the internet isn’t good enough. So Coach gets back from the Sunday night shenanigans on Holmgren Way after bar time and thinks to himself, “I shood watchda replay uv da TV broadcast ta see if dey menchin’d alda tings dat I seen on da feeld dat da refs didint.” (Yes, my mind bubble still has a Trivers accent). I’m not saying we didn’t miss a tackle or two (yeah, I’m calling you out Darnell and De’Vondre), but I did see a whole lot of wholding by the Bears that didn’t get called hwen the bad guys ran the ball. Cool Hwip. So why not check out YooceTube to see how Melissa looked – I mean hear what Colinsworth said – during the game? For free, all I could find was lame-ass Larrivee radio calls on NFL.com, voiced over a few scoring plays. WTF? This is the INTERNET! The place a guy (or gal) is supposed to be able to see and hear anything they want for free. Ain’t no way I’m paying for post-game replays … not as long as there is an internet. The following day, an exhaustive search resulted in merely the audio from SNF on NBC, with a distorted picture that was for the most part zoomed in to a spot on the field where the action of interest was not visible. Somebody has to trot the entire game replay out for all to see. Like they do for games played years ago … it’s all out there on YouTube, why wait? The NFL can still do their full-game and 60-minute compressed replays during the week, but I shouldn’t have to wait for watching the game on tv just because I went to see it in person. If I can’t scrub the internet to find decent bootlegged copies of Mike Tirico kissing Collinsworth’s ass a he complements Chris’ midweek interviewing skills, whilst the sideline camera man “accidently” does a closeup of Melissa Stark’s cameltoe en route to Quay Walker tying his shoe, then China has clearly taken over internet content in America and somebody needs to do something about that shit … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Last year Matt LeFleur became the first Packers Coach to win his first 6 games in a row against the Bears … and now he is the first Packers Coach to win his first 7 in a row … and we are now tied with the Staleys at 783 wins all time (remember they have played 29 more games than the Pack). More importantly now we have 104 wins all-time against the Staleys and have continued our steady progression in wins! During the Rodgers era we are 25-5 and have averaged a 10-point win. … How, you say? Why, you say? McMahon said: “I think {Chicago is} where quarterbacks go to die.” Or maybe they just don’t know how to select QB’s? The latest “Savior of the Franchise”, Julius Field, demonstrates deiner Fußball Wissen (not that hard to guess the translation Jimmy). You probably have some idea how bad Justin Fields was in Sunday night’s game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers. His first of 7 completions during the game was a flea flicker to Equanimeous St. Brown that gained 30 yards. His next 6 completions gained a total of 40 yards and he was sacked 3 times for 22 yards. He threw an interception, and he threw the ball while 4 yards beyond the line of scrimmage at one point. He fumbled. He was super bad when called on to pass. And yet you still don’t know just how bad he was. This is pretty much the summary of the game … we beat somebody we were supposed to beat and are now 25-5 against the Arlington Heights Staleys. We kicked their ass on every level … but this is a Team we were supposed to beat handily. So, what did the game tell us? Who the hell really knows, but it beats the crap out of losing to a crummy team. Notes: (1) It drives coach to distraction that anything “Official” in the NFL does not include Playoff Games. In the “Official Stats”, Erin is 24-5 against the Bears. (2) Why is that you ask? It’s because the MF’ers don’t include the 2010 NFC Championship at Soldier Field. While Coach & Coach might have had seats so far up in the Spaceship that you could see downtown Kenosha if you turned slightly left, it was still a great time and it damn sure looked like a real game. Coach & Coach will never forget the Chicago Park District Official Concession Stand … which was a homeless guy selling Amstel Light out of a soggy 24-can case in the Men’s Room (while Coach may stretch the point from time-to-time, this is absolutely a true story, thank goodness the guy was there or Coaches’ BAC might have fallen below 0.20). Sorry, Coach digresses, the real point is that FB Quinn Johnson’s dad was the doorman at the hotel and “Will’s Northwoods Inn” in Lincoln Park had three different versions of the “Bears still suck” on the juke box, which completely confused the dejected Bears fans who wandered in off the street … with no foreknowledge that Will’s is a great Packer’s bar in the heart of the Lincoln Park neighborhood. (3) At this point No. 1 was so long that nobody really cares about No. 2, except when it comes to squeezing out a McCaskey Family business plan. Does anyone think that the Staleys are really moving to Arlington Heights? They have fancy architectural renderings of a new stadium complex and options on real estate out at ye olde horsey racetrack. But … they don’t own the property nor do the McCaskey’s have the cash to complete the real estate transaction, let alone pay for a Modern NFL Stadium. Here’s betting it’s a ploy to get the City to build a new stadium, with an accompanying pickle ball court, so that the Staleys will stay in Chicago. Coach truly wishes he could bless you with a heartfelt apology for the interstitial notes above … but Coach doesn’t care enough for that … …OK, back to the game. We blew them out as expected and as the drive chart above demonstrates, just a handful of plays determined the outcome. It could have been a much bigger blowout … or it could have been closer. Two Packers offensive miscues prevented a true blowout: Rodgers botched a handoff, shown further below, and center Josh Myers early shotgun snap that hit motion man Christian Watson on the way by. The turnover and lost yardage ruined two drives and gave the Bears a chance. Yeah, it’s always great to beat the Staleys … but it’s more important to focus on the mistakes … the things that have kept us from winning NFL Championships #14 thru #16 during the Rodgers era. The challenge areas? Run Defense – hate to keep picking on the guy, but Jarrod Reed is just a liability in the run game. Keep your eyes on #90 above and below. Jarrod Reed is the free agent DT we signed during the off-season to provide “veteran depth and leadership” in the D-Line. He’s lined up just inside (above) Preston Smith in the clip above and he is pushed out of the hole like a little girl. So far he’s done OK in pass rush, but mainly has provided big holes and poor tackling in the run D. Not buying in yet? Look at 90 again below... Let’s look at Jarrod again … the still shot above is from the clip below. Jarrod lines up as the right DT and properly moves down the line to his left toward the hole. And just when he’s in position to make the tackle he reaches and tries to arm tackle Bears RB David Montgomery. 9 yards later Quay Walker does his best Blake Martinez imitation and has Montgomery on the ground. If there was one alarming thing from Sunday night, it was our hideous run defense. David Montgomery rushed for 122 yards and Khalil Herbert added 38 more as Chicago ran for 180 yards on a 6.7-yard clip. Last season, the Packers ranked 30th with 4.70 yards allowed per carry. In response, Gutey signed veteran defensive tackle Jarrod Reed and drafted linebacker Quay Walker in the first round. The Walker selection should have been a game-changer. The Packers have played almost every defensive snap with De’Vondre Campbell and Walker at inside linebacker rather than Campbell and a sixth defensive back. Bigger personnel – and better personnel – should mean better run defense. That hasn’t been the case, though. Green Bay is an awful 29th with 5.56 yards allowed per carry. They’ve allowed 10 carries of 10-plus yards; only Carolina (11) has allowed more. According to SportRadar, the Packers’ missed-tackle percentage of 12.8 percent is the third-worst in the NFL. Our 16 missed tackles are the fourth-most in the League. Last season, by contrast, the Packers missed only 87 tackles (second-fewest) and had a missed-tackle rate of 8.7 percent (eighth-best). The Buccaneers fielded the most pass-happy offense in the league last season but are one of the most run-centric attacks this season. Expect a heavy dose of Leonard Fournette. Do we have the ability or desire to stop him? And how were Special Teams you ask? Much, much improved. Amari Rodgers? No so much. When asked about Amaroni’s role on the team, Erin Rodgers characterized him as “returning for us right now”. Well, if “returning” is his role, then the attempted return above looks like his resignation letter. Amaroni is indeed doing better than last year, but if he continues to put the ball on the carpet he will be gone. Not to be left out of the bumbling, stumbling review for the Pack … Erin turns the wrong way out of the snap and causes a fumbled hand-off with AJ Dillion. LaFleur of course blamed himself for the fumble because it’s in his contract to never even hint in public that Rodgers might make a mistake. In a little bit of fun “blast from the past trivia”, former Packer Mike Pennel recovered the fumble. Pennel has bounced around the NFL, hell, he’s even bounced around with the Bears. He was cut and resigned during the week before the game. We salute you Mike for your persistence in the face of limited talent. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rocky Start To Season As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy GREEN BAY, WI—Downplaying his team’s underwhelming win over the hapless Bears on national TV following their 23-7 Week 1 loss to the Minnesota Vikings the previous Sunday, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Tuesday that the rough start to the season was just part of the normal ups and downs of a massive global conspiracy. “Look, I threw a couple balls in the dirt at home this week and things didn’t break our way last Sunday, but that’s the reality when you’re living in the inescapable grasp of a shadowy cabal of entrenched elites who decide everything before it happens and control our movements,” said Rodgers, who attributed his own lackluster performance to the regular difficulties of getting adjusted to a new season in a world where a surveillance system run by malevolent rogue actors is constantly working to interfere with your psychological grip on reality and leave you unable to process anything but fear. “We weren’t really able to establish a consistent passing game against the Bears or the Vikings defenses, or the global military-industrial complex, so credit to all of those entities for bringing the pressure. We just have to focus on what we can control, which is basically nothing in light of the massive hegemonic system that is ultimately judge, jury, and executioner to us all, and get those wrinkles ironed out before week three. Do I expect us to execute the passing game to be better this Sunday? Yes. Do I think our defense has been infiltrated by lizard people who are in thrall to the deep state and potential double agents of the Detroit Lions? Also yes. But ultimately you’ve just got to take it one game at a time.” Rodgers added that he hoped for a more positive result in this weekend’s game against the Bucs, but understood that a lot of dominoes had to fall for the global conspiracy to exercise its agenda in favor of the Packers, and the receiving corps also needed time to develop into a cohesive unit. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof QB Rethinks Life Choices After Starting Season 2 With Bears CHICAGO—In the wake of taking consecutive severe beatings at the hands of San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers defensive rushers in the first 2 weeks of the 2022 NFL season, Bears QB Jarred Field admitted to reporters Wednesday that he was seriously rethinking his life choices. “There’s no clearer sign that you’ve completely hit rock bottom than realizing you’re on the turf looking up at Lucas Patrick wearing a Bears jersey and extending his hand to help you up,” said a visibly distraught Field, adding that he hoped being on the Chicago Bears roster provided the wake-up call he needed to finally turn his life around. “I went through some pretty real times when things got seriously bad, and I just ignored it and kept going. But then one day, it hit me: I’m in the Chicago Bears’ locker room, and I have no one to blame but myself. In some ways, I’m grateful to end up here—it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe you just have to find yourself in my position, realizing that everything you’ve done in life has led you to quarterbacking the Bears, to understand how bad things have truly gotten. I only hope there’s still time to get back on track, and maybe, if I work hard enough, I can end up in the AFC West someday.” At press time, Field had reportedly gone on an angry drug-fueled binge after someone offered him a look at the rest of the Bears’ roster. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Does 318 Pushups The rescheduled annual “Spring Game” that fans have been cheated out of for the last seven seasons provided several feelgood moments on Saturday. The fact that the Badgers had their way with an outmanned Mountain Worst team that has had 1 winning season in the past 20 does not tell us much about how they will do next week in Columbus against the Buckeyes. The fluffing of stat lines is now complete. Thank you, Paul Chryst, for devoting so many snaps to the passing game. No regrets seeing Mertz taking snaps with Bucky up 52-0. The backup QB looked good, so good that Chase Wolf has entered the transfer portal and will be starting next week for Notre Dame. It appears Vito Calvaruso's injury resulted from his own teammates breaking his kneecaps postgame last week. The all-red unis donned by Bucky on Saturday looked cool. One of the reasons to avoid red pants on the road (other than special occasions) was to not look like Nebraska. Since Nebraska hasn't looked like "Nebraska" in over 2 decades, we’re fine with looking more like Nebraska as long as they don't play like Nebraska. How about this road look? Here at BU, we did a “representative” survey around Wisconsin to see which possible outcomes are most likely next Saturday and then analyze what we feel is the most likely: Mama said there would be days like this, 2014 Indy Ending, 0-59 Loss: No, Wisconsin is not heavily favored this time as they were in 2014, but we could lose big like the sorry NM State Aggies or Toledo Rockets did last week. The survey says 17% of respondents think this will happen. BU speculates that this cohort is made up of Badger fans with some weird pessimistic disorder and tOSU transplants. Loser talk, “Respectable Loss Ending” - 24-42 Loss: Bucky plays well enough in the first half and is even winning at half time. There are glimpses of brilliance on both sides of the ball. Vito is back and makes a long field goal. But, tOSU regroups at halftime and steamrolls to a victory. The survey says 43% of respondents make this prediction, including most non-homers and many regular Badger fans. Scooby Doo Ending, 33-34 Loss: “We woulda won If it weren’t for those darn refs!!” The Badgers play outta their mind with few mistakes and have some lucky breaks, but some optically challenged or paid off ref makes a call on par with the Jerry Rice fumble non-call and Bucky goes down in flames. 35% of Homer-twinged fans chose this outcome. Simple Math Ending, 38-35 Win: Bucky won last week 66-7 and Brutus won 77-21; therefore, Wisconsin will win by 3 by playing great, being Appalachian State lucky, and tOSU laying an egg. Vito kicks an air-bending 55-yard winning field goal off the upright as time expires. 3% in our survey think this will happen (made up primarily of respondents from Fitchburg nursing homes). Wazoo Anomaly Ending, 28-10 Win: Bucky shows that they are the real deal and that everyone except fringe W Anon Homers were mistaken in their assessment of UW’s prospects. Reminiscent of the 1981 drubbing of #1 Michigan, Bucky dominates and beats a very good Buckeye team. 2% think this will happen. There are always a few. Results: 97% of respondents say Bucky loses and 13% say we’ll win. Yes, this adds up to 110%. We suspect some tabulation irregularities in our market research department. No, we are not going to investigate. BU chooses scenario B. Though we had a run of going 4-2 vs. tOSU 1999-2004, including the final win with John Stocco at QB, this matchup will be one where you really see the difference between 5-star and 3-star talent. In the last decade, OSU has simply lapped the rest of the conference, Wisconsin included. They have become the Alabama of the B1G, but it doesn't seem like the B1G even has a Georgia or LSU to challenge them consistently. Meanwhile, Wisconsin has become something more like Florida or A&M in the SEC--usually solid but not a true threat. Urban Meyer took their recruiting to another level. He moved on from recruiting Ohio kids like Tressel used to and swung to national recruiting. It's paid off and the recruiting gap has widened since he left. Ohio State replaced us several years ago in fielding the conference’s best offensive line. Our offensive line is a work-in-progress and the jury is out on our defense with eight new starters minus our top cover corner. Besides, Ohio State will be sporting black uniforms. We are screwed, Melvin Gordon color scheme or not. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Tom Brady does not like change… The 104-year-old quarterback voiced his thoughts on the NFL's number-rule changes during the Offseason. "The number rule is crazy," Brady said. "Literally, guys changed their numbers today. I'm playing two guys who had different numbers in the preseason. So, yeah, you've got to watch film and know who you're studying but so do running backs. They've got to know who to block. So does the offensive line. So do the receivers who are adjusting their routes based on blitzes. "So, one guys has got a 6, one guy has 11, one guy has got a 9. And they change every play when you break your routes and get to your spot. It's going to be a very challenging thing. It's a good advantage for the defense, which that's what it is." Thanks for clarifying Tom … Just looking at the stats so far (yes, with only two games the stats are not representative), but looking at the stats so far enawayze, we should be 14 to 15-point underdogs. However, the betting line only favors the Buc’s be 1.5 to 2-points. What gives Coach? Why is the line so low? The Bucs & Brady have kicked our ass the last two times we played. Jimmy, there are four reasons we will beat the Bucs on Sunday. One - Brady has a banged-up and young O-Line and has lost his top three receivers, including Mike Evans (Chris Godwin & Julio Jones are injured). Fortunately, Jon Runyan Jr. called his dad, the NFL Punishment Commissioner, and ordered to him suspend Evans for a game. Well done guys! More importantly, since Brady passed the century mark in age a few years ago, he has become more-and-more of a “stay off my lawn old-guy”. After an altercation with his neighbor over autumn leaf piles, he was sentenced to community service working with grade school age children. Brady is shown below teaching sportsmanship at Haywood U. Backoff Elementary School in Tampa. Two - A little bit of D in the first half is going to go a long way in getting Brady to throw a few more tablets. OLB Preston Smith was great in both Run and Pass against the Bears. He rushed only 14 times but still managed six pressures and two sacks, including one forcing a fumble. Smith was also at least partially responsible for helping stop Fields short of the goal line on the decisive 4th-and-goal play. In this clip Preston beats off the block, holds the edge and slides down the line to make the tackle with Quay Walker helping on clean-up. Look for a lot of this against the Bucs. Criminey sakes, how the hell was Rasul Douglas sitting on a Practice Squad last year? On 2nd & 15 Douglas immediately sniffs out the play and goes in for the kill without hesitation, proving all his film room work is paying off. No throwing-of-shoulders at ball carriers here - Rasul uses his arms to wrap up. {If everyone on D starts to do that, we will be a Top-5 D.} Three – Road Grader Dillion Aaron Jones went off for a gazillion yards against the Bears. He had 170 total yards on just 18 touches, forced 13 missed tackles and scored the team’s first two touchdowns. A third of his touches (six) gained 10 or more yards. Half (nine) gained eight or more. All of that was fantastic, but nothing was more exciting to Coach than watching Dillion blast Bears All-Pro LB Roquan Smith out of the hole on the Goal Line. The Creamsicles from Tampa will load-up against Jones … so expect Dillion to have an even better game this weekend and he’ll be a big part of wearing down the Bucs Defense in the heat. Four – Special Teams. Hard to believe Coach is saying this … but aside from Amaroni Rodgers muffed punt, the Special Teams played well! How about that for a nice change?!?! The two FG and three Extra Points were back to routine, automatic and boring. Fantastic!! Then mix in the Kick and Punt Coverage Teams were great all night. Dallin Leavitt (#6 above) is listed as a Safety on the roster … but he was really acquired to boost Special Teams. He and Rudy Ford (#40, also acquired for Special Teams) were great covering kicks all night last Sunday! Expect more of this on Sunday … and pinch myself … maybe even a forced turnover on ST! Coach sees a solid road win! Packers 24 Bucs 20 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Coach knows what you’re thinking, “What ever happened to Skidmark Gilberri?” Well, folks, I’m here to tell ya – it ain’t a particularly happy ending… Number 2-2 Dan Gilberri was an undrafted free agent out of Palmer College in Davenport, Iowa signed by the Packers during training camp 2005 to, more or less, take the practice load off of starting and backup RB’s Ahman Green, Samkon Gado and Tony Fischer. Gilberri never saw playing time in his lone year with the Pack, not even in a preseason game, as he was disciplined early in training camp by head coach Lindy Infante for doing early morning doughnut burnouts in the Lambeau Field parking lot before team practice; hence, the nickname “Skidmark.” Unfortunately, success continues to elude Gilberri – now outside of football. When questioned by police recently regarding a domestic dispute, Dan Gilberri failed to prove he was not the registered sex offender attached to the identity he stole, and now he awaits an Oct. 10 court appearance on charges of criminal impersonation, with accompanying charges of identity theft and forgery. Gilberri moved to Connecticut about a year ago and took up residence in the Sunset Motel in Clinton. Police said Gilberri purloined the identity of Kris Kowalski in order to obtain a Connecticut driver's license and credit cards. Gilberri was living in Florida at the time and Kowalski was his neighbor. Police think Gilberri figured his four drunk driving arrests would make it difficult to get a license legally in Connecticut, and subsequently carried on a life under the assumed identity of Kris Kowalski. The scheme worked well, although Clinton cops who came to know him before his arrest said they always wondered why the guy they knew as Kris Kowalski was called "Dan" by his friends. But last month, "Kowalski" was arrested for disorderly conduct, after an alleged fight with his girlfriend, Pink Uvenus. Running a routine computer check of his background, police say they were startled to find that "Kowalski" was a convicted sex offender in Michigan and not registered as required with the state of Connecticut. While every scrap of identification in his possession labeled their suspect as "Kowalski," the former standout running back at Waterloo East High School was adamant that he was not a convicted sex offender. Finally, a check of his fingerprints with the FBI revealed the "Kowalski" they knew was actually a Dan Gilberri. So this week we salute you, Dan “Skidmark” Gilberri, and good luck in court.
Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Training camp Kool-aide tastes like shit… It comes down to this: every beat writer attending training camp practices this summer sang in chorus how the Defense was elite (“Top Ten, maybe Top Five by all accounts!”), and the Offense was “slightly behind” the Defense in training camp because of the teeming talent and experience on the other side of the ball. To the naked eye of the Packers / Com / Report / Acme / Cheesehead / Wire / Central / Total / Dairyland / News correspondents, the Offensive and Defensive starters were head and shoulders above the scrubs LaFleur trotted out for preseason games. Boy oh boy, just wait for the regular season! Sure, the wide receivers need a little time to gel with Rodgers, but that Defense will stem the tide until the Offense is playoff-ready! The only thing left in question was the Special Teams but, hey, now there’s a fired head coach out there running things who swears at Amari Rodgers and calls Special Teams the Wefense! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Fast forward to 7pm CDT on Sunday. As it turns out, the Special Teams appears to have taken a step in the right direction (maybe from 32nd place to ~29th ish?), the Defense is mediocre and the Offense sucks. We can’t rely on local beat writers to give us an objective assessment of Packers talent because they are at worst shills for Mark Murphy and at best homers who believe Murphy’s 3 deputies can do no wrong. Too bad nobody else in the media is any better. …at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Remember this one from last week? Well now he has lost three in a row … so in the famous words of Vince Lombardi, “what this hell is going on out there”? Whadda a disappointing Opening Game … we had it in our hands and dropped it … oops, too soon? It’s not fair to put the whole loss on Christian Watson, the guy we traded up for in the 2nd Rnd of the Draft. But he did drop the ball, something he was known for (hey somebody had to replace MVS). LF/AR said after the game that they cooked up the opening play on Friday … but couldn’t they have thrown it to Romeo Doubs, they guy who killed it all through Camp and Pre-Season? You want a summary for the game? The ViQueens were ready, and we were not. Coach can think of no better play to summarize the whole game … Rodgers threw a half-assed block at Zilarious Smith and got pummeled into the ground. Oh, you want more? You got it. We have the number one D! You heard it all summer and so did Coach! And what is the key to playing good Defense? Throughout his legendary coaching career, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has historically taken away the opposing teams' best player on offense. That plan has been replicated, tweaked and continuously evolved going back 34 years, when he first took over as defensive coordinator of the New York Giants in 1985. And who is the ViQueens best player? Justin Jefferson. And how do you do that? One thought might be to shut him down by using the guy that we paid $30 million in guaranteed money to deny him the ball. Alas, no. D Coordinator Chuck Berry played zone D the whole game and Jaire Alexander was only on JJ for a few plays (Jaire held him to zero yards and drew an O-Pass Interference penalty). Coach, what do you mean by zone? Well Jimmy, it’s where we have Linebackers like Quay Walker (above) and Lineman like Preston Smith (below) try to cover Jefferson. Coach, is that a smart way to cover Jefferson? Well Jimmy, no, it is a fucking dumb idea. JJ is among the best receivers in the League and Jaire said before and after the game that he wanted to cover him … so the ViQueens just ran JJ away from Jaire. Wow… Coach, please, please tell me more about this mysterious Zone Defense. Jimmy, Zone D is something you probably learned in 4th Grade Co-Ed P.E. It’s where you stand there and let girls dribble into you. Sort of like Square Dancing. Apparently, Coach Chuck Berry needs more than just Training Camp to teach Zone Defense. Even Adrian Amos, our best Safety, was completely confused. Criminey. On to Run Defense. It also doesn’t help when Jarran Reed, your big free agent signing of the offseason, decides not to play on about 50% of the snaps he’s on the field. The situation is 7-0 ViQueens and this play is just after we got stuffed on 4th & Goal. We need a 3-&-out to get back in the game; Reed is #90, hand on the ground in the pic above. Reed is blown out of the hole so fast it’s hard to see him in the clip above. If you watch him carefully, you’ll see ends up being pushed to the ground about 10-yards away from the hole. Simply disgusting. Fat and lazy is no way to go through life son, and it certainly doesn’t help the D-Fence. We have plenty of better D-lineman behind him (see also: Heflin, Jack … trash-can-full-of-dirt). This guy either needs to start playing or get cut. Moving on to our lack of Offense. Coach can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that Melissa McCarthy flew in last week for a special coaching session. However, we all saw the reversion back to “Bad Erin”, the run-around-and-buy-time-before-making-a-long-throw-down-field-guy, that got Melissa fired. Erin Rodgers clearly does not trust LaFleur and his 2022 Teammates. Time and time again he held the ball too long and took sacks. One for a fumble above and another for a sack below. What is particularly irritating is that the Vikings run more-or-less the same Offense and made extensive use of pre-snap motion to confuse the D. You may remember we did this very well in 2019 & 2020 … Erin actually said during the last off-season that he doesn’t like it … oh for F’s sake … he keeps saying things that make you want to trade him. If he would just shut up and run LaFleur’s system … OK Coach, let’s get back on track here. Using your best Seinfeld raised voice, say “Newman!” with Coach. Not having Bakhtiari and Eglington Jenkins was a real problem, particularly when RT Newman (top of clip) was a sieve and Rodgers is holding the ball for too long. Running Offense Analysis On the road? Hostile environment? Rookie Receivers? No. 1 Receiver injured and out for the game? Defense not holding up very well and you want to control the tempo? Two premier running backs? You run, right? Un-fricking believable. Just like Coach said we would, we had a very effective running game! WE AVERAGED 6.2 YARDS PER RUNNING PLAY! The problem was that Aaron Jones & AJ Dillon only had 15 carries in total ... with Jones only getting 5. Remember Coach also predicting: “You can bet that the Packers will run right at Zilarious …. A-LOT!”? Down 7-0 we finally got the Offense going on our 3rd Drive and we went 79 yards on 9 plays … and on the 10th we only we needed 6 more inches to tie the game. But we did not run at Zilarious! Instead of running at Zilarious we ran away from him, and Z was part of stopping Dillon. Compare the 4th-&-Goal stuff of AJ Dillon with the AJ Dillon TD clip below. Look at AJ’s first step, a little stutter to the right, and see how Z bites on it (he’s #55 lined up at right DE, outside Yosh Nijman on the left side). Because he crashes in toward the stutter step, he ends up getting washed inside and ends up on the on the left hashmark and out of the play. It’s the opposite side of the Deebo Samuel clip we looked at last week (from last January’s playoff loss), but exactly the same problem for Zilarious. Classic Zilarious piss-poor “contain” on the outside. Give AJ credit for smashing into the endzone, but if Zilarious does his job he would never have scored You want some positives out of the first game? No. 1 We no longer have the worst Special Teams in the NFL. We returned kicks, made an extra point new punter Pat O’Donnell had a great day (while dodging a couple of very-nearly-blocked-punts). So, we’re at least #29 or better. Yeah! No. 2 – OL Rookie Zach Tom came in for a concussed Jon Runyan and looked really, really good. And … LT Yosh Nijman and Center Josh Meyers were good. Assuming we get Bakhtiari and Jenkins back soon, we should have a damn good OL. No. 3 – Rookie ILB Quay Walker looked good and he’s only going to get better as the year wears on. No. 4 – Fourth Rnd Rookie WR Romeo Doubs had the most catches among that group (AJ Dillon had one more than Romeo’s 4). Yeah, we almost cudda won … it’s a process … it’s a learning curve … yadda, yadda… … all loser talk … we lost. Period. Time to get better against the Bears. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up NFL Hoping 3rd Year Of 'End Racism' Painted In End Zone Will Do The Trick NEW YORK, NY — After two seasons of fighting the evils of racism through the act of painting words on fake grass, the NFL is hoping a third year of "End Racism" painted in the end zone will finally do the trick. Executives for the NFL voted unanimously this past Spring to fight racism with the powerful phrase spelled out in end zones for the third year in a row, confident that it will make a lasting difference. "This is the year that the NFL ends racism, once and for all. Third time's the charm!" said a smiling Commissioner Roger Goodell at a press conference while surrounded by a dozen other old, white members of the NFL executive committee. When asked by a female reporter "How, exactly, will painting 'End Racism' in the end zones end racism?" the commissioner responded by pointing at the young professional and screeching, "Racist!" The journalist was summarily pummeled by a mob of other sports journalists in the name of ending racism for good. Goodell then suggested the mob bring her to a livestock watering trough to test if she is a witch. Though the success of the NFL’s turf-PSA campaign cannot be denied, a spokesperson for the executive committee acknowledged that the board was still on the fence as to whether or not they would seek to help their star players next year by writing "Stop beating your girlfriends" on the 50-yard-line. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof ‘Madden’ Glitch Lets Player Win Super Bowl With Bears REDWOOD CITY, CA—Following outcry over an issue that was negatively affecting gameplay, developers of Madden NFL 23 told reporters Thursday that they were working to fix a glitch in the game that lets players win the Super Bowl with the Chicago Bears. “We strive to make Madden as authentic as we can, so we’re naturally disappointed that we let something as obviously unrealistic as the Bears’ 2022-23 roster winning a championship slip through our playtesting process,” said EA Sports spokesperson Maya Woodruff, adding that the glitch first came to their attention when a Reddit user posted a screenshot of the Bears beating the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl with the caption “WTF is the wrong with this damn game??” “After looking into the problem, we saw that it affected many of our users, whose enjoyment of Madden was rudely interrupted when the game allowed something that, to put it mildly, would never happen in the real world. Unfortunately, addressing this glitch is taking longer than we’d like, as it is also present in the franchise mode, where it is still an issue because the Bears have no realistic chance of winning the Super Bowl at any time over the next several decades. With a roster led by guys like Equanimeous St. Brown, Lucas Patrick, and Jarred Field, it may be difficult to understand how an algorithm could glitch so badly as to let that team win a Super Bowl, but mistakes happen. At best, the Bears could conceivably win four or five games. We at Madden regret the error.” Madden developers also apologized for a separate glitch in the game that caused 49ers QB Trey Lance to be able to complete passes. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Vito’s the game--Wazzu wins and we got Coug’d From BUD (Badger Urban Dictionary), updated September 10, 2022: VITO (v)
Here at BU, we are wondering why young Vito had that far-away look in his eyes. It was almost as if he was doing a coupla two tree beer bongs and a one hitter at a frat on Breese Terrace before the game. We are perplexed how he nailed 55 yarders down the middle in warm-ups and then choked later. Vito, you are this week’s poster child of the ineptness of the entire Badger squad on Saturday, who seemed unprepared, need better game planning and more creative in-game adjustments. Let us explain. This is the 3rd "WTF is going on?" loss as a huge favorite in 5 years, i.e. >17-point favorite. Although we at BU think rankings are a crock, this game probably drops us out of the rankings for the entire season unless we win at OSU or MSU. In between drive-killing penalties and turnovers, the offense actually moved the ball relatively well and controlled the clock as well as you could ask for. But scoring some points woulda been nice. Bucky had 4 "good" ball controlling drives that resulted in zero points. Mertz had some great completions in tight windows, spread the ball around, and made a bunch of throws on third down. We were not hard to figure out, running basically the same play 60-70% of our running plays. Hand or toss the ball off to the left side of the line, pull both guards and look for a cut-back lane. Washington State loaded the box and all went right almost on the snap of the ball. They knew exactly what we were doing. We never countered this. (Hello Bobby and Paul!) We never snapped the ball with less than 12 seconds left on the play clock. No urgency. We were like, "We’re better than you and we can run the same play over and over again and you will eventually get tired." In an unsettling fashion similar to the end of the FIB game in Champaign a few years ago, we allowed Wazzu to gain three first downs and bleed the final 5:14 of the game without putting up much real resistance. Does this mean Wisconsin won’t win the national championship this season? For you remaining hold outs saying, “Ohhhhhh man! You guys are gonna look so stuuuuuupid when Mertz holds up the Quick Lane Bowl Trophy!”, we shall see what happens on the field in coming weeks. We suppose there is technically a chance. On the bright side, unless you were delusional enough to think the Badgers were going to playoffs, this loss is totally meaningless. But it pisses you off nonetheless. We still see this team as the heavy favorite to win the Big Ten West and a team that (if they can tighten up all 3 phases) can hang with any team on the schedule, other than OSU. Who knows? Maybe this will be like the 1999 squad that went in #9 to Cincinnati, lost disgustingly, lost to Tom Brady & Michigan at home the following week, then proceeded to spot Ohio State 14 points on the road and run off 35 straight points to win that game, beat Drew Brees & Purdue at Camp Randall, win the Big 10 title and win the Rose Bowl against the Cade McNown-led UCLA Bruins. In the meantime, on to the New Mexico State Game… We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Only in Chicago can a Bears win over the Niners in Week 1 be the secondary story!! Coach assumes that the loyal reader knows this already, but Soldiers Field is the only NFL Stadium that is managed by the Chicago Parks & Rec Pickle Ball Department … not kidding here, this is actually true. https://media.giphy.com/media/suEPw98UTFAq34XBRw/giphy.gif Hey Bears!! The City of Chicago, Bears Fans everywhere and the entire NFL are laughing at you. There is no imminent threat to Mensa that the Soldiers Field ground crew will be petitioning for membership … they are still trying to figure out how to run the chalk machine and won’t have time to apply. As of this writing it is still unclear if it was raw sewage or sanitary napkins that plugged the field drains … https://giphy.com/clips/storyful-football-nfl-bears-dK3wdo2arwwNGuD1PC … all Coach knows is that he does not recommend playing in contaminated water. No wonder the Staleys are threatening to move out to the Dog Track in Arlington Heights. OK … so they beat the Niners last week … big deal, the Niners QB Trey Lance was so bad that he made Bears QB Jason Field look good. The Niners outgained the Bears 331 to 204 yards and averaged 4.8 yards per carry … but they had two turnovers and the Bears got lucky on a couple of long passes. Hey, one of the TD’s was to Equanimeious St. Brown … one of the guys we cut in the off-season. On to our game! This Sunday will be the 205th meeting of the Green Bay Packers and the Decatur Staleys, with the good guys ahead 103-95-6 and a staggering ½ pt. lead in the average score all-time. Coach started wandering about who has won the most games overall? It turns out the Staley’s are ahead by one win, but they have been in the NFL a year longer and they have played 24 more games than us (in the early years Halas cheated and scheduled more games each Season). Well, no matter, we’ll be tied in all-time wins at 783 after this Sunday and we will still be comfortably at the top of the NFL all-time win percentage rankings. As reported last year, the McCaskey’s sold the franchise to Aaron Rodgers and he has owned the Bears 24-5-0 during his tenure. Get ready for a nice and symmetric 25-5-0 after this weekend. Let’s get a bit more specific … why will we kill the Bears Sunday? They have no Run Defense. The Bears were giving up yards in big chunks… … like this big gainer for 16. Expect the Packers offense to do the right thing this week and had off the ball A Jones & A Dillion Great 29 yard run by Aaron Jones in the 3rd Quarter last week (including a great pancake block by Cobby on LB Jordan Hicks!) They have no QB or Offense. Chuck Berry and the D will get their heads out of their respective asses, and you are going to see … … a lot of why Jason Field will never be as good as Jordan Love. Let’s get ready for some fussball at Lambeau. Coach sees a big win on SNF! Packers 24 Bears 13 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Do you know who kicked the winning FG in the Packers first appearance on Monday Night Football (the big game of the week, prior to Sunday night football)? Yeah, Coach didn’t either. Dale Livingstone kicked the winning field goal in the team's first ever appearance on "Monday Night Football". His 14-yard FG with 3:39 left in the game gave the Packers a 22-20 victory over the San Diego Chargers on Oct. 12, 1970 at San Diego. He was signed by the Pack as the kicker for the 1970 season and led the team in scoring that season with 64 points. He made 15 of 28 field goal attempts was and 19 for 21 on extra points. He also punted six times for a 33.2 average. After football he was a teacher and coach in the Freedom Schools (near GB) … but unfortunately he was snatched away at the tender age of 63 with heart trouble in 2009. (RIP) Kicking the winning FG was quite a feat, but good ole Dale is much more interesting than that and he inspired a new feature that Coach is calling … “Didja know dat?” (DKD) … DKD … Dale attended Western Michigan University on a tennis scholarship? With no experience, Livingston was noticed at a kegger where he was seen kicking 70-yard punts in dress shoes. Former WMU Broncos head coach Bill Doolittle recalled "this guy walks into my office and he's kind of built like a pear. When I first looked at him, I was like, 'Holy mackerel, this guy will never be able to help our program”. Livingston immediately connected on a series of 30- and 40-yard field goals and 50-yard punts and became the Broncos all-time leading kicker and punter. Amazing right?!? Coach agrees with you, who the F wears dress shoes to a kegger? DKD … Livingstone has his own IMDb page? Pretty impressive … and a little weird … looks like his “filmography” are all self-posted YouseTube clip[s of him playing football … but what the hell, why not? DKD … Livingstone was the actual inspiration for George Carlin’s “Seven words you can’t say on television?” If you don’t understand the reference then go look up George Carlin … he was one of the funniest comedians and social commentators of the 20th Century.
Enawaze … after Dale kicked a win on MNF the Pack went to 3-1 on the 1970 Season. By Week 12 we had fallen back to 6-6 and headed off to Wrigley Field for a Week 13 game against the Bears. Wrigley, like Milwaukee County Stadium and other baseball stadiums hosting football, had both Team Benches on the same side of the field so there was plenty of interaction between opposing players during the game. Dale made his only FG attempt in the 1st Qtr., but unfortunately we were down 28-3 at the start of the fourth. After his 2nd successful extra point brought the Pack to within 17 – 35 of the Bears, a frustrated Mr. Livingstone crossed paths with Bears Middle Linebacker Dick Butkus on his way back to the bench. A smart-ass comment from Butkus prompted an inspired retort that included the full list of words that were forbidden on television … and George Carlin, who was in attendance that day, eventually captured them in his comedy routine: Feces Fornication Urine Vagina Rapscallion known for Maternal Fornication Fellatio … and … Tater Tots. And Tater Tots doesn’t even belong on the list. And now you know! We salute you Dale Livingstone for enriching our culture… Happy New Year and welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Much more than football is back… As the avid Coach Clarahanson follower knows, Coach does not follow preseason football much at all. But with LeRoy Butler going into the Hall of Fame this Summer, Coach was curious to watch the pregame festivities for the Hall of Fame Game in Canton, OH. To my pleasant surprise I learned that not only is football back, Melissa Stark is back! Sweet Jesus you were right, there is a God and he is good. [Just confirming, God self-identifies as a male and prefers the pronouns he, him and his. Jesus, too. Mellissa Stark? She is ALL WOMAN. Thank you, God.] Now we get both Carrie Underwood before the kickoff and Melissa Stark during the SNF games! As you can probably tell by the excitement in my prose, I am absolutely giddy. From my observations during the HoF game, it appears Ms.Stark has defied the aging process. Also, her spunky, short-cut ’do has been replaced with a longer flowing version of her spectacular blond hair. Her ice-blue eyes still penetrate through Coach’s cornea and leave a direct imprint on the millions of light-sensitive rods and cones that make up the back of my retina. Coach will definitely be inside the stadium walls of 1265 Lombardi Avenue extra early next Sunday Night for the home opener against the Bears, roaming the sidelines in full-on Creepy Guy mode seeking an up-close glimpse of the world’s most talented sideline reporter (apologies to John Kuhn). So, welcome back, Melissa! And, please forgive us drooling fans ogling you with construction-worker cat calls as you glide along the backdrop of the end zone, gracefully floating from one sideline to the other. NFL football is much better to see in person when you’re there, too … at least, in Coach’s humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Let’s start with a quick review of the 2021 Regular Season … LaFleur achieved a milestone … … and now he has an even better Regular Season record than Marty Schottenheimer! (Although they remain tied for Super Bowl appearances at Zero.) With all the attention on LeFleur’s participation award, Coach would be remiss if he overlooked an extremely important moment for our Complicated Fella. His pharmacological research into the combined benefits to the nervous and immune systems of compounding ayahuasca with ivermectin in a suppository proved pivotal in the fight against Monkey Pox. This breakthrough work led to his being awarded his 4th Most-Valuable-Pharmacological-Insight-By-A-Talk-Show-Hostess. Well done Erin! It turns out we also had a playoff game last year. While the Offense survived many injuries during the 2021 Regular Season and the Defense improved tremendously, the Special Teams only accomplishment was the spectacular variety of incompetence. No stone was left unturned in search for new ways to try to lose games … The chain finally came off the Season during our second consecutive loss in the playoffs … at home … as the No.1 seed. With 4:41 left in the 4th Qtr and the Pack leading the Niners 10-3 … Special Teams took over the game. On the ensuing Packers’ drive, tied at 10-10, with 4:41 on the clock … and plenty of time to use the whole playbook … and after a penalty and 2 passes, we faced 3rd down with 3:40 left … … and Erin decided to emulate #4. In an eerily similar reprise of Brent’s last ever pass at Lambeau (2007 NFC Championship game killing interception)… … immediately from the snap Lazard and Cobby were open, but #12 was only looking at #17. Fortunately, Davante Adams turned DB and prevented the interception … well done Davante … save Erin again. Good luck in Vegas Mr. Adams … glad we got a decent haul of Draft Picks for you. Hopefully #12 will start looking at other receivers, as he has during the seven games we won while you were injured. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Washington Commanders 1st Team To Have Make-A-Wish Kid Announce Pick, Become Team President, and Take Fall for Team’s Financial Irregularities LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders let a Make-A-Wish Foundation child announce the team’s 2nd round 2022 draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities. “Bryson is a great little kid going through something no child should have to go through, and we wanted to help him feel special by letting him announce our second-round pick as part of his new role as team president, for which he’ll be perfectly positioned should the federal investigation into our franchise result in jail time,” said Commanders owner Dan Snyder, adding that the team was thrilled to partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to fulfill the lifelong dreams of the boy to be fired for his role in sweeping sexual assault allegations under the rug in a football team’s ploy to clean up its public image. “Getting to stand onstage with the newest member of the Washington Commanders and then getting thrown under the bus by everyone in our organization who the House Oversight Committee speaks to was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we couldn’t be happier for giving Bryson that experience. Not only did he receive a signed Terry McLaurin jersey and tickets to our first home game of the season, Bryson will also be the likely recipient of a five- to seven-year prison sentence for his role in falsely reporting sales revenue and keeping money meant for the league. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Bears’ Playoff Chances Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky checked most of the boxes vs the Illinois State Redbirds: 1. Beat the spread, which has not been a given in recent non-conference mismatches. 2. Fluff up stats for meaningless analysis beginning three weeks from now. 3. Show some life on offense and cut loose the seemingly forgotten forward pass, preferably different looks than the 4-5 plays that once-innovative Paul Chryst ran over and over last year in the same down & distance situations. 4. Avoid season-ending injuries. Several new players got snaps on defense and though they bent a lot, they didn’t break. It was possibly the most underwhelming shutout we have seen since Barry arrived. Starting safety Hunter Wohler will be out several weeks, most likely missing the Ohio State game. The secondary has some things to clean up. Offensively, the receivers looked good--except for Markus Allen’s two drops preventing Graham Mertz from completing all of his passes and pitching a perfect game. Braelon Allen got his yards and a highlight reel TD run. Chez Mellusi has made an Adrian Peterson-like recovery from a torn ACL, shedding some pounds and showing more burst than we saw last year. On to hosting Washington State, where we are favored by 15 points. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game On to Minneapolis, we have been kicking ass up there Minneapolis since we started playing them in the 1961. Minneapolis ViQueens longtime Head Coach and Wisconsin native Bud Grant had some pretty good teams wit dem. And he was also the first NFL Coach to achieve 4 Super Bowl Losses! So they have that going for them. All-Time we are tied with the Queens at 30 wins apiece for games played in Minneapolis and Bloomington, MN. In the Rogers era we are 7-7-0 and, in the Rogers/LaFleur era we 1-2 in the Humpty-Dump. The betting line favors the Packers by 2 and the Over/Under is floating around 48 points, which is pretty close to that average total of 51 points over Rodgers caree. During the LaFleur/Rodgers era the median point difference is 3, somewhat less than the median of 5 over Rodgers total career. Meaning? The record may be tied, but we’re ahead on points and the line “Zounds ‘bout right”. Why will we win? Oh my goodness gracious, just listen to the pundits. We lost Davante, no wide receivers, Special Teams was a mess in 2021, we lost guys in Free Agency … yada yada yada! No way the Packers win right? Wrong – we will win Our D was good last year and steadily improving toward the end of the year. You may recall Coach harping on poor Defensive contain and tackling since, well, since 2010 … but last year we started to turn the corner. Rashan Gary did an outstanding job in 2021 … great example here of staying home, fighting off the block and making the tackle. Coach is really, really excited to see our D in action this year. It turns out we also have a pretty decent running game … … here was a nice little pop for 28 yards on the Packers 2nd drive last year. You are going to see a ton of play action passes and a lot more of 28 & 33 on Sunday. And all that running and super Defense will be great … but Coach is even more excited watch the Queens Defense! Have a look at who is running the Defense in St. Paul! It’s a clown car full of fired Packers Defensive Coaches. Add in the Zilarious Smith, our 2019 star who turned into the 2021 semi-injured malcontent, and you have a formula for success! (It’s even better, he’s being coached by Mike Smith, the outside linebackers coach that the Packers also fired along with Poutine.) But Coach, isn’t Zilarious an aggressive pass rusher who really, really wants to sack Aaron Rodgers on National TV? Exactly Jimmy, exactly. In 2019 he was one of the best pass rushers in the NFL and was Coached by Poutine and Mike Smith to always charge up field and disrupt plays. Let’s have a look at a typical Zilarious play. Tied at 10-10, after the “Davante-Forced-Pass” in our playoff loss last January, the Niners faced 3rd and 7 at the Packers 38 with 1:03 left in the game. At the 38 yard-line it would be a 55 (56?) yard field goal attempt for the win, probably outside of Robbie Gould’s range given the weather. The still shot and the clip below are from the same play, with Deebo Samuel RUNNING for nine yards and a 1st Down on 3rd & 7. Two subsequent dive plays for two additional yards and Gould kicked a walk-off 45-yarder to win the game. Shit. OK, back to the play. Have a look at the clip below and then come back to the picture above. At the snap Z. Smith crashes into the middle and completely abondons his gap. Give Samuel credit for the jab-step-fake, a basic move taught to Middle School running backs in Wisconsin. When Samuel bounces out to his right there is no one there … no one in the spot that Zilarious is supposed to occupy. After the game, Jaire Alexander took responsibility for not wrapping up on his tackle attempt, but frankly it should not have gotten to him. Stand-up guy that Jaire, nothing like the Zilarious. You can bet that the Packers will run right at Zilarious …. A-LOT! Coach sees a slug fest coming … but a strong Packers season opening win nonetheless. Packers 21 ViQueens 17 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them In 1904, former Packer player and coach Tom Hearden was born in Appleton, Wisconsin. Hearden moved to Green Bay as a boy and followed his brothers Len and Les to East High School, where he played in the backfield from 1920-22. Like previous East backfield stars Curly Lambeau and Sleepy Jim Crowley, Tom next played under Knute Rockne at Notre Dame. As a sophomore, he was a member of the 1924 National Championship team that featured the Four Horsemen backfield (including Crowley). That team defeated Stanford, led by Ernie Nevers and coached by Pop Warner, in the 1925 Rose Bowl, although Hearden did not appear in that game. After Tom captained the 9-1 1926 Fighting Irish team as a senior, he then signed with Green Bay where he appeared in six games from 1927-28 as a blocking back. Injuries limited his playing time, and he finished his playing career with one game for the Bears in 1929 when he worked briefly as a lawyer in Chicago. He began his coaching career at Racine’s St. Catherine High School in 1930 and moved over to Racine’s Washington Park High in 1934. After compiling a 34-8-6 record at those two schools, Hearden returned to his high school alma mater in 1936 and achieved an impeccable 51-3-2 mark through 1942. East won 32 straight games at one point and won or shared six conference titles in that seven-year stretch. Tom then joined the navy and was assigned to Iowa Pre-Flight where he coached the backfield of that service team under Missouri coach Don Faurot in 1943 and Auburn’s Jack Meagher in 1944. He was named the squad’s head coach for 1945, but the base cancelled its schedule that season. After mustering out of the service, Hearden signed to coach at St. Norbert in 1946. Over the next seven years, he led the Green Knights to a 41-13 record that included undefeated seasons in 1946, 1950 and 1952. Tom returned to the Packers in 1954 as Liz Blackbourn’s defensive backfield coach, also in charge of the whole defense. Two seasons later, he took an assistant’s position at Wisconsin, but then rejoined Blackbourn’s staff in 1957. Unfortunately that May, well before training camp, Hearden suffered a stroke and was forced to retire. It was doubly unfortunate in that a Packer Board member had told reporter Lee Remmell that Tom was a sure thing to be hired as the team’s head coach in 1958. The implication is that if Hearden were more successful than Scooter McLean in ’58, then Lombardi stays in New York and perhaps takes over the Giants in 1961, altering NFL history quite a bit. As it was, Hearden was a celebrated local football figure who has a plaque commemorating his life and career placed by the football field at East, also the site of City Stadium where the Packers played for decades. Tom, whose brother Les played halfback for the Packers in 2 games (caught 1 pass caught from Curly Lambeau) 98 years ago, attained a rare trifecta of playing under three Hall of Fame coaches in Rockne, Lambeau and George Halas. He never got the opportunity to coach at the highest level himself, though, and died in 1964 at the age of 60.
So as we kick off the 2022 season, we salute you Tom Hearden, and your brother Les, as all-time Packer greats! |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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