McCarthy Fails Physical, Cut Before Season Opener Oakland, CA – A noticeably rotund repeat-Raiders head coach, John Gruden, paced the sidelines during his team's Week 3 preseason game against the Packers, often bending to rest his hands on his knees and catch his breath. Gruden clearly has consumed too many of his own grinders. This picture, however, was no surprise. Gruden descends from the infamous Mike Holmgren coaching tree, known for its expansive list of expanding NFL coaches such as Holmgren himself, the aforementioned Gruden, former head coaches Mike Sherman and Steve Mariucci, and current coaches Andy Reid and the portly Mike McCarthy. “At this rate, we expect Mike to have a heart attack right around the bye week, so we took action now. We’re not going to risk wasting our week off at his wake when we should be wake surfing on Lake Powell,” smirked an unnamed youthful member of Mark Murphy’s personal personnel staff when we spotted him lingering near the medical records room at 1265 Lombardi Avenue in Green Bay. “It’s only a matter of time” said the assistant, who then – in exchange for his anonymity, offered us this exclusive footage of McCarthy recently "overdoing it" at a local exclusive restaurant. (Click On Link) …and welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! It’s Super Bowl or bust, Baby! And just to help us start on the right foot, the Packers-friendly NFL scheduling committee was kind enough to put the Bears on our schedule first to ensure we start 1-0 regardless of how we play in Week 1. It will be a nice warm up for the Vikings in Week 2. More on the hapless Bears later. Create a Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme We know what the Packers are going to do on Offense; dominate, but we don’t know about the Defense. Let’s give Mike Poutine some time to show us what he wants to do and Coach will analyze it for youse guys in a cuppla weeks. In the mean time we can have a look at the Bears. So’s, you wanna know the Bears’ game plan for this Sunday? Look no farther than the 9th of September 2012. "...Say what?" The Pack were thoroughly dominated at home in a 22-30 loss to the Kaperniners and had one of the biggest gut punches of the year just before the end of 1st Half. With 32 seconds to go, Mastay punted – long-and-low for 60 yards and no hang time, and the 20 yd return took SF out to their own 38-yard line. After the punt, with 18 seconds left in the half, Alex Smith was replaced by the unknown kid below. In a preview of the Caper’s-run-defense-meltdown to come in the playoffs that year, he ran thru the befuddled Defense for 17 yards to the GB 45. Following two incompletions by Alex Smith, Coach Jim “khaki pants” Harbaugh faced a decision … kneel down and end the Half, chuck one into the end zone…or… …things were going so well for San Francisco that with 2 seconds remaining, he trotted out David Akers to attempt a long field goal. Naturally he made it when the ball bounced off the crossbar and then kept going through the uprights to tie the then NFL record of 63 yards*. [* The other kickers to hit 63-yarders were New Orleans' stub-footed Tom Dempsey in 1970, Denver's Jason Elam in the thin Rockies air circa 1998, and Oakland's high-times weed wielding Polack, Sebastian Janikowski in 2011; the current record is 64 yards on Matt Prater’s kick for the Bronco’s on Dec 8th, 2013 at Mile High Stadium. The track record only highlights how impressive Dempsey’s straight-on-toe-kick was, with a half-amputated foot, at sea level, on a crappy grass field at Tulane Stadium.] The real kicker, though, was not the kicker nor Krapperdink; the story of the game was Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio, LB Navarro Bowman, DT Justin Smith and OLB Aldon Smith. Bowman and Justin Smith were established veterans and well-known great players, Aldon S was playing the first game of his second season and a relative unknown. Bowman had great stats for the day with 8 tackles, 3 assists and an interception, but that’s not who dominated. Aldon Smith, with only one tackle, was in Rodger’s head all day (trust me, Coach was at that game and Rodger’s was accounting for Aldon Smith on every play). Aldon’s stat line looks pretty meager with only one tackle, but he completely and thoroughly disrupted AR that day. He did manage a 93.5 passer rating, but the most telling stat is that he was also the leading rusher with 27 yards. Bears reject George Benson did pick up another 18 yards, but the Niner’s just shut down the run. So, you ask, “Coach, we’re 27 minutes into this story, is there a point?” Yes, son, there is. Because the Bears suck and had the worst Offense in the NFL last year, nobody noticed that the defense was solid. They were 10th in yards allowed and ninth in scoring defense. Now add arguably the best defensive player in football to that mix. Oh, and remember Vic Fangio from 2012? He is the Bears’ Defensive Coordinator, and he now has the talent to create real headaches for the Packers. Much as he did in that 2012 home opener at Lambeau, Fangio is going to focus on the run first and then harass AR with lots of stunts and twists and try to put the Bears in the same position as the Niners. Akiem Hicks is a very good 3-4 defensive end, but Hicks isn't the sort of player who can take over a game. Mack is—and now that he's in Chicago, the number of double-teams Hicks will see in the upcoming season just fell to approximately zero. With Hicks and linebackers Roquan Smith and Danny Trevathan, the Bears have the foundation for a decent front seven. The only way Turdbisquit can do anything this Sunday is if the D forces three-and-outs, turnovers and returns kicks to inside the Packers 15-yard line. You could argue that the current Bears’ Defensive Roster is even better than the loaded 2012 Niner’s team. In much the same was as back then, you will see many repeats of the following variations in Fangio’s 3-4 base defense (3 DL & 4 LB). On passing downs you will see Khalil Mack on the field, generally on the right side of the defensive formation (AR’s left or blind-side), with many variations on the following: 1) Lined up as the ROLB over Bakhtiari, with DT Akkiem Hicks lined up just to his left, and the two of them rushing straight-on. In a frequent variation, Hicks will run a wide twist with Mack trying to get past Bahtiari’s right shoulder while Hicks holds our guy. 2) In a variation on the same theme, ILB Danny Tevathan will cross the face of LG Lane Taylor and attempt to get outside on Bakhtiari, leaving Mack free to rush through the LG hole that Taylor vacates to help Bakhtiari. 3) The scariest combination, the one that Navarro Bowman and Aldon Smith played so well in 2012, is when Mack and Hicks will overload the right side of the Defensive Formation and will run a stunt off of each other. As above, this is to try to get Mack a free run up the middle on AR’s blind side. The two other wild cards on the Bears D are: “Will the perennially under-achieving former 1st round pick, OLB Leonard Floyd, attend the match on Sunday?” He’s off the injury report, so let’s see. “Can the Packers keep their starting 5 OL on the field?” We shouldn’t have too much trouble as long a Bulaga and Bakhtiari stay out there…but look out if either of them go down. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Packers Roster Cuts Made Easy Using MILF Assessments Ashwaubenon, WI - So you wanna make the team, eh Rookie? Well, how hot's your mom? With Packers coaching staff struggling to get down from 90 men to a roster of 53, the player personnel department decided to use MILF potential as the tie-breaker for 2 guys equally qualified to fill a final roster spot. Out of respect for the losers, we will only show the winning moms whose sons have earned the right to be part of the 100th edition of the Green Bay Packers (What? ... it's not like this is any worse than what was done back in the heyday of the burgeoning NFL). Preseason Ends 9-Days Early After New Rules Speed Up Games Way Too Much NEW YORK – The NFL refused to admit on Wednesday it was new rules changes, originally intended to keep the flow of games moving, that actually ended the preseason over a week earlier than scheduled. Football traditionalists have been up in arms since the League tried to offset buzz-killing delays associated with replay reviews by instituting questionable modifications to how the game plays out, and the results this preseason have only fanned their flames. “I was as surprised as anyone that keeping the kick-off team stationary until the ball was in the air would save so much time, but I can’t say for sure that it took 9-days out. We have people looking into that” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. He refused to comment, however, on the time-saving effects of other key game changes, such as eliminating end zone celebrations that include linemen, allowing a maximum 60-seconds TV timeout for stretcher recoveries following helmet-to-helmet contact concussions, and allowing only thin referees with good hands to spot the ball during all no-huddle Offensive sequences. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears GM Ryan Pace made a deal with the devil this past week signing Khalil Mack to the richest contract for a defensive player in NFL history. After giving away all meaningful draftpicks for the foreseeable future to the Oakland Vegas Raiders, the Bears also emptied their bankroll to sign the all-pro pass rusher; thereby hand-cuffing themselves to sign any other talent that might give them a shot at being a 0.500 club at some point in the future. Jealous? Don't be. The Raiders have been ranked 25th or worse in pass rush over the past couple of years with Mack. So much for "making those around you better." Also, it's been widely reported that Mack is not a team guy (#TerrellOwensAndRandyMossNeverWonARing). The Raiders are on the cusp of being a team that can go deep into the playoffs, but Mack wouldn't even show up for practice unless he got paid a year early -- for more money than JJ Watt, Von Miller, or Aaron Donald. So, why the Bears? Several teams were in the running to acquire Mack, including the Packers. However, when it came right down to it, Green Bay couldn't match the Bears' offer to guarantee the months of January and February off. Chicago Fans Wave In Wrong Direction Vernon Hills, IL— In an embarrassing display of ignorance by the nearly 400 patrons in attendance for Bears Family Night, fans performed the celebratory “Wave” in a clockwise rotation around Rust-Oleum Field stadium at Vernon Hills High School. “Everybody knows it’s supposed to go from your left to your right” said longtime Seattle Seahawks fan, Burt Beaubain. “We invented that thing in the Kingdome after Jim Zorn threw a touchdown pass to Steve Largent. We were on our third Red Hook so we staggered as we stood up to cheer, trying to pop up but sitting back down before trying again. There was a hot, earthy-looking beer girl to our right that most people were watching, until they saw us. Then everyone to our right started mimicking us, and it looked like a wave. Pretty soon the whole stadium was standing and sitting down in unison — more or less because Boing employees are lightweights.” So how could the idiots in Chicago screw up something as simple as The Wave? Well, in a strange twist of fate, the Bears actually got the ball into the endzone (well, it WAS a Family Night practice). Bewildered by such a rare occurrence, fans in attendance weren’t sure what to do. Naperville resident Michael McCallister said “I practiced my boos and cat calls in the parking lot all day; the last thing I expected to do was actually cheer.” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel blamed the stadium faux pas on an influx of fans that weren’t part of the regular season ticket holders. In a statement released from the Mayoral Office, press assistant Molly Mellonsdew told reporters that fans who actually bothered to show up for Bears Family Night lacked rudimentary football fan knowledge. “Lots of them are summer visitors to the city from places that don’t have American Football or deodorant.” She even speculated that the fans who started The Wave were Australians, presumably because they are accustomed to the Coriolis acceleration that deflects moving objects toward the left in the southern hemisphere. So the Bears have a new head coach this year, Matt Nagy, with the same GM, Ryan Pace. Which brings us to this week’s classic movie clip of the week: The Bad News Bears (Click On Link) — the incredible story (as stated in this trailer) of a disaster combined with a catastrophe. Written by racists and womanizers that pervaded Hollywood in the 1970’s, and then performed and watched by the easily-influenced children of that epoch (who would later grow up to perpetuate these misguided values throughout their lives, careers, and sports blogs). BTW, Coach had a huge crush on Bears female secret pitching weapon Tatum O’Neal (more recently played by Mitchell Trubisky) at the time of the movie’s release. And, just sayin, she is still bringing it for someone who now receives mail from AARP. Rest assured … lest there be any doubt, Coach is always right. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground #NotYou Madison, WI – An entrapment countersuit has been filed by attorneys for Quintez Cephus, alleging that Jim Harbaugh’s neighbor’s daughter and Urban Meyer’s niece posed as drunken co-eds at a Madison nightclub, conspiring to entice Cephus into an off-campus threesome. Kirk Ferentz’s nanny also appears on surveillance video, but ended up in a separate room with Danny Davis. It is unclear whether she, along with Lovey Smith’s assistant to the traveling secretary (arrested at a Rockford tollbooth for DUI) was part of a grander scheme. Wire transfer transactions to the girls, emanating from a Columbus Ohio auto dealership, an Ann Arbor vape shop, the Mike White Foundation (HQ’d) Champaign, IL and an Iowa City ethanol plant are under investigation for ties to local boosters as part of a coordinated illegal effort to restore the Big Ten to the status quo pecking order of 1975 through 1983. Cephus' preliminary hearing has been pushed back to the ominous date of September 11. His lawyers will purportedly invoke the Dr. Hartman defense (Click on Link) made famous by Duke University La Crosse team members fighting similar accusations by Blue Devils bimbos. Bucky Underwhelms in 34-6 Drubbing of Hilltoppers True, the Badgers were playing short handed without their top 2 WR’s and a few dudes on defense, but in our opinion they looked a little lackadaisical in Friday’s opener against Western Kentucky, playing enough above the level of their competition. Hornibrook missed a couple of wide open receivers and threw what should have been a pick reminiscent of the first drive vs. tOSU last December. The O-line had a few lapses too. Taylor coughed up a careless fumble, and the young DB’s blew a couple of coverages. Nevertheless, we prevailed against a lesser foe. As we have seen over the last 15 years, except for the LSU victory two years ago, the Badgers failed to cover the season opener spread. Things will no doubt get cleaned up by the time we play BYU. Please Joe Rudolph, do something about those O-line penalties—unforced red zone and 3rd & manageable illegal procedure penalties in particular. Under the Alvarez, Bielema, and Anderson regimes, it was rare to see illegal procedure or holding penalties, unless phantom calls were made up while driving for the game-clinching score at East Lansing. We repeat; things will no doubt be cleaned up. As an aside, inept ESPN analyst Jessie Palmer, apparently studying a scouting report from last November, called on Danny Davis and Jazz Peavy to step up and give the Badgers a different dimension in the passing game. Davis is suspended and Peavy graduated. WTF? At least ESPN analyst / hottie Olivia Harlan -- uh, make that Olivia DEKKER, was at Camp Randall for the game. That's right, she married Badgers Final Four x2 (and now LA Clipper) forward Sam Dekker from Sheboygan. Nice haul, Sam! Looking ahead to this week, our second victim (not that we are over confident) will be the New Mexico Low Blows, alma mater of Brian Urlacher of hair re-growth fame. Their defensive coordinator is former Barry Alvarez defensive coordinator Kevin Cosgrove, for what that is worth. Do not let the Lobos’ gaudy offensive stats from last week fool you. Sure, they put up 680 yards offense with over 300 each in passing and rushing with 62 points. But, they were playing Incarnate Word of San Antonio (we are not making this up!) who sound more like a seminary and partner school to Little Sisters of the Poor. It looks like stud DE Loudermilk may make an appearance as will “The Z” Neuville at TE who are coming off injuries. Look for the young guys to get some playing time and look for some surprise performances by guys you never heard of. TE Ferguson and the new DB’s are keepers. Pom Poms waving! We predict more vanilla offense, more vanilla defense and a 42-12 win that does not cover the spread. We could care less. Elsewhere around the Big Ten, our projected top 2 toughest foes looked pretty weak and did nothing to help our strength of schedule. First, Penn State nearly lost to App Store State and had to go to overtime. Look for them to drop in the polls. Iowa still has two more opportunities to embarrass the Big Ten before figuring things out in conference play. Michigan looked particularly flaccid against Notre Dame, falling 17-24. Just ask Braylon Edwards what he thought. Click Here. The latest rankings downgraded the Badgers to 5th. We at the Badger Underground do not give a rip. Downgrading puts chips on shoulders and postings on locker rooms walls. Just keep winning Bucky and things will take care of themselves (we hope). We will save the regurgitation of the proper method to fix the stupid beauty contest system until a week when a more blatant injustice occurs. We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game In the long run, Mack will wither and disappear like the aforementioned 49er Aldon Smith (arrested last week in SF with a BAC of 0.40%...5x the California limit); but that won’t happen until later this year (Coach predicts a municipal arrest per enforcement of Chicago’s strict gun laws – some of the toughest in the country, which is why that city is so safe). No, this Sunday the biggest obstacle the Bears have to overcome is themselves. The McCaskey Brains have given Chicagoans a veritable hit parade of questionably serviceable Head Coaches since Ditka: Dave Wannstadt Dick Jauron Lovie Smith Marc Trestman John Fox And now? Matt Nagy Who? Exactly! That’s the point. Well anyway, McCaskey’s and Head Coaches aside, CBS is picking GB to cover the 8-point betting spread and to be lower than the 47.5 Under. After all the simulations the average final score was 28-18. (They claim to have simulated every snap of Wk1 10,000 times. But, think about it, when the numbers you draw are 8 and 8, you pretty much know someone else is winning the pool.) In their 197th Gridiron Contest, Packers’ Punter JK Scott will set the stage with an outstanding debut performance and help the Pack extend the all-time series lead to 97 wins, 94 losses and 6 ties. Take it to the bank, the Pack will win in dominant fashion: GPB 27 Bears 17 JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Because the Packers are hosting Chicago in Week 1 of their 100th season, and because most current followers of Coach joined in long after the first episode in 2015, Coach thought it might be fun (and lazy) to put a nickel in the way-back machine and dig up the 1st JB article of The Coach Clarahanson Show !!!, which also happened to precede a Week 1 victory against the Bears. Plus, I added a new “Where are they now?” feature to it this week for you to enjoy at the end (you’re welcome)... “...Coach could not start the 2015 season that kicks-off in Chicago without honoring the great Charles Martin, who shined on the artificial turf at Soldiers Fields back in 1986. You'll recall that he body slammed the Bears QB after Mark Lee picked off a pass (a double win!). It was great to see the Packers players high-fiving Charles on the sidelines promptly after he was ejected from the game (an infamously bad, WTF call by the ref - as this video evidence clearly vindicates: Martin Injures McMahon (Click on Link) Here's a little known fact - the starting Bears QB playing that game later became the Packers 2nd string QB when we won our 3rd Super Bowl, Jim McMahon! It's true - look it up. Jim McMahon actually played for the Bears for a short stint in the 80's (or as we call them, "the Forrest Gregg years"). In fact, on Doug Pederson's radio show in Green Bay (Doug was the 3rd string QB that same Super Bowl year), Jim McMahon credits Charles Martin for extending his career - enabling him to eventually become a Packer, owing to the necessary shoulder repair surgery that actually boosted Jim's waning natural arm strength in the mid-80's. So Charles, we honor you on the eve of this 2015 season and certain Packer victory in Chicago; and Jim, you're welcome.” ...So this week we salute Charles Martin (again, but we won't make a habit of it): arch nemesis to Jim McMahon’s shoulder, and to the ladies he groped while he was here. You see, 4 weeks prior to sacking the punky QB, Charles was accused of grabbing a 26-year-old woman who was visiting a Green Bay singles bar. Back then, as was customary for these sorts of professional athlete indiscretions, Martin’s case was settled out of court for $500 and an apology. Which got Coach to thinking, “Where are they now?” Not Charles Martin (anyone can just Google him), but what happened to his accuser? Is she an accomplished lawyer in a big city firm, or maybe a champion of the #MeToo movement? Well, on June 14 Shanika Britt, who had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina at the time of her arrest last year, was sentenced to two years in Illinois state prison on weapons and heroin possession charges, court records show. Britt and a male acquaintance were busted following a traffic stop on I-55. A search of the duo’s car turned up heroin and Ecstasy, cops reported. Of particular interest, Britt’s .380 caliber Kimber handgun was not discovered by investigators until she was subjected to a strip search while being booked into the county jail. The gun (seen in the above evidence photo) had a bullet in the chamber and its magazine was fully loaded, police say. They added that Britt’s “projected discharge date” is September 7, 2019. Yikes.
Now let's go pummel the Bears!
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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