Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Normally I don’t weigh in on politically charged controversies – I like to keep the focus on the game, but I can’t sit on the sidelines for this one. I’m sorry if this “offends” anyone, but I think NFL players should 100% be required to stand during the playing of the Sunday Night Football theme song. This is a beautiful, historic song that should be a unifier for all Americans, but every week you see players disrespecting Carrie Underwood (and the entire country) by sitting on benches while the song is playing. Some of them are still in the locker room! Hey, if you want to protest, do it on your own time, alright? Not during the Sunday Night Football theme! Whether you’re in the stands, on the sidelines, or watching the game at home, when you hear that iconic vocal riff “Whoa-whoa-o, wa-whoa-a-whoa” you should be on your feet, with your hat off, and your hand on your heart. These young players these days – they don’t know anything about the historical significance that this song brings to our country. Heck, they probably don’t even remember when it was Faith Hill singing and the lyrics were “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” applied to the rhythm of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Lovin’ You.” Carrie Underwood does a new song for us every season, and THIS is how the players choose to show their respect? Shame on you, overpaid, spoiled and patriotically bereft players of the NFL. Shame I say. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Wow, this is gonna save Coach a lot of time…what were the key points from the Vikings Redskins game? 1. Kevin King is pretty good, but Fragile. 2. Mike McCarthy remains a predictable play caller and can’t seem to understand the game. Ty Montgomery was in the game for only 26 offensive snaps (34%) and had only 5 carries, but averaged 6.2 yards per carry. On a hot day with the defense dying, what do you do? Run the f’ng ball and wear down the D! More rectal-cranial inversion Mike. 3. Mike McCarthy cannot manage the game clock. Coach knows, it’s more than a little bit depressing to have the same game summary with the same outcome. So why did Coach predict a win? Coach thought that we had the bugs worked out and that the lack of a Preseason was behind us…clearly not. We are only 3 games into the 2018 Season so maybe it’s a bit early to get too concerned…but when Coach M McCarthy rolled out the “statistics are for losers” comment in his Wednesday presser this week, Coach went berserk. McCarthy is correct, and in this case the the statistics prove that he is a loser. Three games in and we are exactly where we were with Hundley, but now we have one-legged A-Rod. The Offense is at No. 14 in points scored and the Defense is at No. 23 in points allowed. As you can see below, the result is a -4.4 point differential per game, or a No. 24 ranking in scoring more points than the other guys. AND, it’s almost exactly the way the 2017 Season played out (-4.0 point differential, No. 23 ranking). I guess if you want to feel better about being in Loserville, the Boston Patriots have dropped like a rock since last year. Even though former, and currently deceased, NFL Commissioner Pete Roselle is happy with the mediocrity parity from year-to-year that he so much wanted, Coach does not like Loserville, he doesn’t want Loserville, and he won’t accept Loserville. OK, back to Washington, why did we lose? Firstly, let’s get the Ref’s out of the way. Yes, we got completely jobbed by the Ref’s and yet another CMIII roughing-the-passer call. But that’s not why we lost. …and don’t even get Coach started on the non-call when A-Rod got suplexed by Daron Payne (Click On Link) on the series before Matthews was flagged. Let’s also call out the other obvious things…2 turnovers including Cobb’s killer fumble at the end. Lance Kendricks dropping a gift pass up the middle. On defense we gave up several bombs down the field and had no answer. If Cobb and Kendricks catch the ball, we go home with a win and paper-over all the underlying problems. These were big problems, but not why we lost the game On this play (Click On Link) Kentrel Brice receives bonus points. Not only did he lose the ball in the air, he also knocked Jiree A out of the way. The real reason we got scalped by the Skin’s, barely beat the Bears, and were not victorious over the Vikings is very simple:
They sacked A-Rod 4 times for -25 yards. We ran the ball 17 times…they ran the ball 35 times. Let me repeat, they jammed the ball down our throats 35 times for 166 yards…having Adrian Peterson run for 120 yards and 2 TD’s on 19 carries is just not acceptable folks. …but ya know what? We actually average 5.9 yards per carry to the Skin’s 4.7 yards per…but we only ran it 17 times so it’s hard to rack-up the yards rushing. And when Smith did chuck the ball downfield, we put no pressure on him and our D-backs were falling down to the tune of giving up 11 yards per pass attempt! (Compared to our 5.9.) Having the 103 year-old Vernon Davis make 2 catches for 70 yards is just not OK. The first fricking drive was all AP & VD. This was the ghost of the 2012 season all over again. Alright, complicated concept coming up here:
This week Coach thought we should have look at the roster we’re putting on the field. The chart below has the whole roster evaluated, with ratings: Green Above average NFL player contributor Gray NFL average player, helps fill out the roster Yellow Below average NFL player Red Bad player or injured player (see also Nick Perry, Kevin King, Davon House and Muhammed Wilkerson) By Coach’s count, a full 1/3rd of the roster is useless. Either because they are below average, ineffective or injured all the time. All offseason the buzz was how the central part of the DL would dominate. No such luck so far….and now Wilkerson is on IR after he had his ankle destroyed. Montravious Adams is in his 2nd year, but the phenom touted last year has yet to show up. Kyler Fackerel has improved from “completely useless” to “below average, but not as bad as last year”. Coach graded Clark and Daniels as green, but arguable they are “just-a-guy” as well. Kevin King is a funny case. Remember him? The guy we traded down to get? We traded with the Browns to get out of the first round where we would have had TJ Watt, so that we could get King and a Beagle with the Brown’s 4th rounder. Remember his shoulder injuries last year? It all started in in college, He not only remembers being a freshman safety at Washington the first time his left shoulder popped out of its socket but also that it was Arizona State tailback Marion Grice that he hit. The hit left King with a dislocated left shoulder, and pain he can’t forget. “The first time it happened,” King said, “I thought I probably wasn’t going to play football again. That shit hurt.” The first time it happened. King’s shoulder has dislodged many times since. He rehabbed after that first injury, which required surgery to repair his labrum, and has had many dislocations since, which have become more and more frequent. King said his shoulder popped out more than 10 times last season, eventually forcing him to IR. He’s a long-armed corner with “loose limbs,” King said. He wonders if his body is naturally more prone to dislocations. “Initially once it happens,” King said, “I’ll go to the sideline and I really just try to get my strength back. As soon as I get my strength back, I can go back in. And then my adrenaline is pumping and stuff. It really doesn’t hurt that bad until the next day or two. “That’s when I feel like I’m ready to go on IR.” And we traded to get King? Yup…he really is the new Nick Perry The offensive line has a better group of starters, but no depth, and now the right side of the line is caving in. Bulaga is out with a back issue as of this writing and McCray seems to still be dealing with shoulder strength issues (Coach told you about the top-secret medical report on McCray last year). "Yikes! Coach, is everything really all doom and gloom?" Well yes and no. In Washington we got our asses handed to us. It was a complete team beat down. Let’s hope the old adage about the NFL is true, that no team is as good as it looks, and no team is as bad as it looks…. because last week, we stink, stank, stunk. The “no it’s not all bad” part is that JK Scott had another very good week punting, 5 for 232 and a 46.4 average AND Aaron Jones averaged 7 yards per carry (42 yds on 6 carries). Irony / i·ro·ny1 ˈīrənē/ noun
WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Mayfield Only 1 Win Away From Being Winningest Browns QB Of Decade CLEVELAND, OH – 2018’s top draft pick, Baker Mayfield, is approaching rarefied air. “Maybe the team just needed a kick in the pants” said the exuberant rookie from Oklahoma about leading his team to victory from a 14-point scoreless deficit to the NY Jets, after he came into the game replacing the injured starting QB (and future trivia answer) Tyrod Taylor. Mayfield played in the final 31:49 of the game and brought them back to win 21-17, including a pass he caught in the end zone for a 2-point conversion! As soon as he took the field, the linemen were blocking better, the RB’s were running harder, the receivers were making tough catches, and the defense held the Jets offense to only a FG. Mayfield brought an intangible “something” that seemingly made the already talented players around him play better and good enough to win. In an unrelated development, the New Orleans Saints are eagerly awaiting another devastating hurricane to inspire their team. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Longtime QB Thought Team Would Care More About His Last Day NASHVILLE, TN – The last time the Bears sat alone atop the NFC North division (granted, it’s only been 3 weeks and they’re 0-1 within the division), Jay Cutler was the quarterback. Cutler played for three NFL teams (Chicago, Denver, plus a 1-year post-retirement stint Miami) across his checkered career and is retired now, but was eager to provide perspective on his exit from Chicago. It turns out that “same ol’ Jay” has a lingering sore spot for that city and his former Bears teammates. Cutler claimed there was virtually nothing to distinguish his last day with the Bears from any other throughout his lengthy tenure in Chicago. He lamented that after his eight years of dedication to the organization, he had thought fellow Bears would be more emotionally invested in his departure. "I didn't expect gifts or anything,” said the 35-year-old Cutler, who described himself as the unofficial leader of that team. "But I didn't think I'd have to remind people it was my last day, either. I thought I built up a great relationship with those guys, and had been talking to them about my big move into a wealthy retirement for a few weeks before the 2016 season ended. I even had a countdown to my last day on the chalkboard, under the Sesame Street quote-of-the-day thing I did." Though a couple of assistant coaches wished him luck and asked what he intended to do in retirement, the longtime field general said it seemed as if they were just being polite as opposed to being genuinely interested in his future plans. Cutler said he would often get into long, in-depth discussions with the coaching staff about how much more money he made than them and what plays they should call. He added that he didn't expect anything too sentimental, but he was hoping there would be an acknowledgment of the fact that over the prior eight years something deeper than a typical contractual relationship had been established. His last head coach with the Bears, John Fox, when pressed for comment, simply said “Dipshit.” Udder Stuff - Commentary from the Badger Underground This was the game that both the Badgers and the Hawkeyes had circled on their calendars. The thorny path to Indy passes through Iowa City. Coaches & coordinators had all Winter, Spring and Summer to draw up un-scouted looks to unveil in this game, following 3 weeks of trying to adhere to vanilla gameplans. Top ten teams Michigan, Ohio State and almost Penn State fell victim to the Saturday night Iowa snake pit the last two seasons. This game was ultimately determined by 2 key points: 1. A distracted Hawkeye blocker (#You2SecondsAgo) inadvertently touched a Badger punt that Bucky immediately pounced on, resulting in a subsequent touchdown that brought Wisconsin back into the game when they had been suffering consecutive 3-and-outs. 2. A late game Wisconsin touchdown drive starting at their own 12 yard line. This scenario was very similar to that faced vs. BYU the week before. The play-calling was somewhat the same—get down the field into FG position, take a couple of shots at the end zone and if that fails, count on your FG kicker to send the game into overtime. The difference this week, other than a 50 degree drop in temperature on the field, was execution. No procedure calls, no Hornibrook neglecting to run for a first down with open space in front of him and a lapse in pass coverage by the opponent. The game-winning TD call was very similar to the same play run against Michigan and Iowa last year. A DB is forced to cover the TE running a post route, leaving a linebacker on the Badgers receiver. Up to the fourth quarter, the Badgers offensive game plan seemed to be “defensive line my ass.” Iowa came into the game with statistics to back up the fact that their defensive line was dominant. Wisconsin employed an extra 300 lb TE most of the game and ran Jonathon Taylor & Taiwan Deal repeatedly between the tackles. Both consistently picked up 4-7 yards per run, but never broke the big one. Iowa was forced to commit extra defenders, leaving DB’s in single coverage. This game plan worked for almost three quarters of the game because Iowa coaches up DB’s who can cover and tackle. Below is a photo of what safety help (and an under-thrown pass to an open receiver) looks like. If you found yourself cussing out Paul Chryst’s playcalling throughout much of the game, including the pass pictured above, you weren’t alone. Twice on 3rd & short during the first half, passes were made deep down the field, not caught and the drive was killed. Chryst does get credit for the 3rd down wheel route pass to the FB Ingold to set up the first TD. The Badgers have a tendency on 3rd & short to hand off to the FB for a quick hitter. Defensively, the two areas of concern coming into this season—the thin DL and the young secondary—got exploited by Iowa. The young DB’s committed multiple muggings and Iowa’s OL regularly road-graded Badgers defensive linemen. Van Ginkel was back on the field, but obviously not playing at 100%. The primary difference was big plays made by Connelly and Edwards, two linebackers who took a verbal beating in the film room all week over being out of position and failing to set the edge against BYU’s jet sweeps. Twice, Wisconsin got big third or fourth down stops in front of their own goal line. Alex Hornibrook takes a good deal of criticism for underthrowing receivers deep, lack of escapability and throwing picks. He did, however, pass for over 200 yards on 17 of 22 passing, with a couple of drops, three TD’s and no interceptions. Make no mistake, Hornibrook will likely never play a NFL snap (#JoelStave). He is an above-average college system QB. He elevated his game for the go-ahead drive. Iowa’s QB did not. We have two weeks to reflect on the Iowa win, which from a distance appears to be routine. With a weak Nebraska team coming into town following the bye, it is hoped that the players can keep their focus and avoid threesome opportunities with drunk co-eds. College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon MADISON, WI—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at UW’s Sellery dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Matthew Robideaux had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Matt already has a high school buddy crashing in his dorm room. That’s just weird,” said floormate Bryan Rivers, noting that Robideaux’s friend lived nowhere even remotely close to their school and would have had to endure a six-hour drive from Bayfield just so he and Robideaux could sit in the common room and watch YouTube on a laptop. “Matt’s barely even done unpacking. He still carries a map of campus around with him, so I don’t know how he’s even trying to show his friend around. I overheard them comparing the sizes of their dorm rooms, so his friend just started college, too, but then why isn’t he there right now? Even if they’re dating, it’s too soon for a visit!” Dormitory sources further confirmed that Robideaux also began receiving care packages from his family after a mere week away from home. We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ - Predictions for the upcoming game There are several key reasons why the Packers are going to beat the Bills on Sunday... 1. Packers placed CB Davon House on injured reserve with a shoulder injury. Not that Coach likes to see any player hurt, but getting House off of the field will help reduce massive mistakes in the Secondary 2. The Pack have signed Bashaud Breeland. He officially joined the Green Bay Packers on Wednesday, one day after working out for the team and more than six months after the Packers had expressed interest in him as an unrestricted free agent. Breeland, 26, recorded 270 tackles, 60 pass deflections with eight interceptions (one returned for a touchdown) in his first four NFL seasons with Washington, which selected the 5-foot-11, 195-pound cornerback in the fourth round (102nd overall) of the 2014 NFL Draft. The fifth-year corner adds another versatile and experienced veteran to Green Bay’s defense, and hopefully is an upgrade over King and House. 3. We are overdue for a victory in general and for one over the Bills. They lead the series 8 wins to 4. 4. They are quitters. Buffalo Bills cornerback Vontae Davis quit during halftime of the game against the Chargers two weeks ago and retired from football afterward. According to Bills players and head coach Sean McDermott, Davis told teammates he was not playing the second half and was "done." According to one report, Davis even got changed and left the stadium. 5. We have finally figured out the new “how to tackle a QB rule. Coach has gotten advance access to the new NFL Film: “How To Properly Pull The Flag From A Quarterback” 6. The Bills once had Gary Marangi, Vince Ferragamo and Billy Jo Hobert as starting QB’s 7. Last, but most importantly, when the roster is below average, you need a few key people to step forward and make a positive difference. Coach is extremely confident that the team is going to start understanding and following the new direction on Defense and Offense, and that these guys will make a difference on Sunday: Time to dip into the kids’ college account and go large on the Vegas line: GPB 31 Buffalo Willies 17 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them If you have kids with athletic skills around these parts, then you probably are familiar with the Don Beebe House of Speed. It’s that area behind the chain-link fence of a shared Ashwaubenon sports complex building with all the weights, cones and large rubber bands that nobody ever uses when you’re there to watch your teenage daughter playing in a tournament on the neighboring volleyball courts or your grammar school daughter on the parallel bars and trampolines in the gymnastics room in the back. OK, so Beebe is clearly cleaning drug money for a Mexican drug cartel, but was he a good player in the NFL? You betcha. Don Beebe was an undersized receiver (5’-11” 185-lbs) and FIB from Auroras, Illinois who had elite 40-yard dash speed marked at 4.21 seconds. Despite his pedestrian career numbers (219 receptions, 3,416 yards, 23 touchdowns), he played in a whopping 6 Super Bowls. He infamously lost 4 consecutive Super Bowls as part of the Buffalo Bills before coming to Green Bay to win his 1st NFL championship in Super Bowl XXXI against the Patriots. You’re welcome, Don. So, what was different the 5th time around? Was the talent in Green Bay (Brett Favre, Andre Rison, Desmond Howard, Reggie White) better than that in Buffalo (Jim Kelly, Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas, Bruce Smith)? That’s debatable. I say it was the comradery that the ’96 Packers team had on and OFF the field. Check out this remarkable Halloween home video of Beebe, Favre and Frankie “Bag of Doughnuts” Winters pranking coach Mike Holmgren when they take their kids trick-or-treating to his house with masks on. It’s must-see TV for all Packers fans. Oh, and Don, we salute you!
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Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Matthews Caught Kissing Cousins, Packers Kiss Sister I know – that headline, much like the outcome against the Vikings, turns your stomach. Hey refs, what ever happened to home field advantage? While I’m sure Vikings fans are basking in the glory of a tie with the Packers, Green Bay fans feel like they took a gut punch loss because of numerous bad calls that cost us a decisive victory (more on that later). I couldn’t help but think back to when I’ve seen this level of blatantly bad refereeing before – back when I was a child, when I watched All-Star Wrestling every Saturday night at 10:30 on WLUK TV-11 (and/or the repeat episode Sunday morning at 9am when I was “too sick” to go to church … it came on right before that local polka show with all the old people dancing – no, not Lawrence Welk, the other one … the WLUK one recorded in Francis Creek). Anyways…. That was the GREATEST show on TV ever (the wrestling show, not the polka show). Remember these guys? Andre the Giant, “The Crusher”, Bobby “The Brain” (aka “Weasel”) Heenan, Hulk Hogan, Wahoo McDaniel, “The Claw” Baron von Raschke, Big John Studd, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Sgt. Slaughter, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and the tag-team duos of Greg Gagne and Jim Brunzell ("The High Flyers"), Adrian Adonis and Jessie “The Body” Ventura ("The East-West Connection" and -- yeah, Ventura later was also Minnesota's nut-job governor, too, but that's just a coincidence), Pat Patterson and Ray “The Crippler” Stevens, and Ken Patera and Jerry Blackwell ("The Shieks")! That was AWESOME. But the referees were “in on it” so my heroes would always win, except when they occasionally faced the bad guys in a non-televised live "title" match at the Brown County Arena that I would go to using my paper route savings. …remember the a cage matches? Again, AWESOME. But I digress… So why were these refs in Green Bay acting like Dallas refs during a Vikings game? Coach did some digging, and guess what I found… Did you know that throughout the 1960’s and 70’s, the AWA’s television production was headquartered at Minneapolis independent station WTCN? In fact, according to “High Flyer” Greg Gagne (and son of AWA promoter Verne Gagne) AWA All-Star Wrestling was the 2nd highest rated program in St. Paul behind only 60 minutes. And, remember, there were only 3 channels back then so pretty much everyone watched 60 minutes. …and there weren’t any hot chick wrestlers or pyrotechnics back then like WWE has today. At its peak All-Star Wrestling earned a 25 rating and a 64 share. THAT’s why the refs were in on it. Same shit today? You decide … I’m just sayin, I know what I saw last Sunday. Oh and, by the way, modern-day WWE Chairman Vince McMahon is now promoting his own professional football league, the XFL, which is slated to begin in 2020. Hmmm… Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme A tie, how frustrating, let’s re-cap: Fran Tarkenton threw a 5-yard game-tying touchdown pass to Ahmad Rashad with 10 seconds left in regulation, and the Vikings and Packers finished in a 10-10 overtime tie in Green Bay as the teams remained deadlocked for the NFC Central Division lead. The Vikings' Rick Danmeier blew a chance to win the game when his 21-yard field goal attempt sailed wide to the right with four minutes left in the sudden-death, 15-minute overtime period. The game ended in a tie after the Packers' Chester Marcol kicked wide to the left on a 40-yard field goal try with 17 seconds left in the extra period. The Vikings forced the overtime when Tarkenton, who was held to 35 yards passing in the first three quarters but finished with 199, completed his scoring pass to Rashad, and Danmeier kicked the extra point for a 10-10 tie. Rashad made a leaping catch over CB Mike McCoy. The Packers nearly scored on the last play of regulation when Aundra Thompson caught a 59-yard pass from David Whitehurst at the Vikings' 6, but was tackled by safety Tom Hannon. Wait a minute, sounds like last weekend’s game, but I guess that one was Nov 26th, 1978. After losing to the Vikings later in the year, we finished 8-7-1 and missed the playoffs. OK, here we go, this must be the right game. Matt Flynn provided a spark off the bench as the Packers battled back against the Vikings, but the comeback couldn't be completed in overtime as the teams fought to a 26-26 stalemate. The teams traded field goals to begin overtime, with the Packers' Mason Crosby hitting a 20-yard kick on the opening drive and the Vikings' Blair Walsh answering with a 35-yarder to extend the game. Neither team could get into scoring position again as the game ended in tie. Flynn replaced a struggling Scott Tolzien to fuel a 17-point run in the fourth quarter and send the game to overtime. Trailing by three, the Packers drove 60 yards in the final 2:27 of regulation and Crosby hit a 27-yard field goal to send the game to extra time. Huh, what? Oh, that was November 13th, 2013. That 2013 team also finished 8-7-1, made the playoffs, and then lost a Wildcard game at home to the Niners (20—23). So how are we going to finish this year? Good question, the two previous times we tied with the Vikings we ended up 8-7-1 ... and, at 0.5-point differential after 2 games and a 1-0-1 record ... we are right on track for 8-7-1 again. All is not lost, even on a bum knee AR has the Pack at exactly No. 10 in the offensive points per game category. In the coming weeks we will get into the EZ instead of drop-kicking 3 pointers and will easily climb into the Top 5 on offense. Unfortunately, the answer to “Was it Capers’-bad-coaching or Ted’s-bad-drafting?” seems to be more the latter than the former. At this point we are a bottom 5 defense in points allowed, but more on that in a minute. The Pack is still ahead of the Queens, 60-53-3, including 1-1 in the playoffs, and an average game score of Packers 21.8 Queens 19.5 As Coach likes to do, let’s go on a complete tangent to learn you some more about the NFL! Ties used to be fairly common prior to the adoption of the modern OT rules in 1974. Since then they have been very rare, with only 24 ties between ’74 and last weekend. Humorously, renowned rocket scientist and former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb said after a tie game against the Cincinnati Bengals that he did not know a tie was a possible! As it turns out, the Packers have more ties, six, than any other team since 1974 …and…at three ties, the Packers and Vikings have tied more than any other two teams. So, what did happen… what was Coach’s prediction? What a weird game, and the first time in NFL history that teams finished at 29 apiece. How do you summarize that? Total collapse. AR said it felt like a loss. Coach was at the game, it looked like a loss. We had this game in the bag and metaphorically urinated it away… All of this agonizing got Coach really thinking about the game, so he Googled “like kissing your sister”. After several hours of overtime wading through the porn that popped up, Coach remembered that he was actually wondering “what was the origin of the expression ‘it’s like kissing your sister’ to summarize a tie game?” American’s hate “ties” or “draws”, we want a winner! But who coined the expression? Everyone has a different origin story and there are at least three different football coaches given attribution: Navy assistant director of athletics Edgar E. “Rip” Miller said “kissing your sister” in 1949, University of Kentucky football coach Paul Bryant was credited for it in 1952, and Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz was credited for it in 1953. I guess the Navy guys had been away at sea so long that kissing their sister was more positive than getting submarined by the heavyset Chief Petty Officer hailing from San Francisco. "Like kissing your sister” means something that is perfunctory, without much pleasure. The saying “like kissing your sister” has been cited in print since at least 1892. In 1918, it applied to drinks without alcohol. In the 1940s, it was said that drinking tea (instead of coffee) was like kissing your sister. But I like what George Brett said best: “If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing you grandmother with her teeth out.” We all hate the NFL overtime system, but in Cricket it’s even weirder, there’s a difference between a “Tie” and a “Draw” (look it up.) And the Swedish Hockey League has an even more complex system! They use a 3–2–1–0 point system in the regular season, where a regulation win is worth three points, a win in the five-minute sudden death overtime period or a shootout win two points, and an overtime loss as well as a shootout loss one point in the standings. But I digress… What was the proximate cause for us losing? (Ooops, tying?). Even after the egregious call against Matthews that cost us a final possession to run out the clock, the Vikings still had to drive 60 yards in just over 90 seconds to score. And then get a two-point conversion. And that’s exactly what they did. So yes, we did get screwed by the ref’s, but more to the point, we screwed ourselves. Kirk Cousins passed for 425 yards and four touchdowns, and Stefon Diggs and Adam Thielen delivered clutch catches in the fourth quarter and overtime period. They scored 22 points in the 4th Qtr. And Cousins was a perfect 9-of-9 passing for 160 yards and three touchdowns and a maxed-out NFL passer rating of 158.3 during the fourth quarter and overtime. Minnesota’s defense allowed just 12 points in the final 40 minutes of the game, including three on a possession that started at the Vikings 13-yard line. We had so many ways to win the game that it was like the 2014 Seattle Playoff all over again…the fault for losing was all on us. So what then were the real causes?
Playing through an injured left knee, Rodgers turned to quick passes quite often to prevent Minnesota’s front four and blitzers from getting to him. The Vikings still totaled four sacks and nine quarterback hits, but he was 30-of-42 passing for 281 yards with a touchdown and passer rating of 97.4. Methinks this should be Rodgers’ m.o. when his knee gets better, too. Without the constant double-teams, Jimmy Graham got going this week and averaged 15.8 yards per reception against the Vikings. The tight end caught six passes for 95 yards on eight targets. Special teams had a major impact. Not just in the kicking game, but also in the punting game. Green Bay’s rookie punter JK Scott flipped the field multiple times in this game. Scott pinned the Vikings inside their 20-yard line twice. He also averaged over 50 yards a punt and had a long one (heh heh) of 63 yards. On the other side, in punt coverage Green Bay scored a touchdown (nice hands, rookie! – Josh Jackson). That special teams score allowed Green Bay to play with a lead for the rest of the game. Mason Crosby was the Packers’ leading scorer, being responsible for 17 points, while the offense only “officially” (if we ignore getting screwed twice by the refs) scored one touchdown. And although Crosby missed his most important kick of the game (no thanks to a well-timed ice job by Vikings coach Mike Zimmer), he did make five field goals on Sunday. He will win some games for us still. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up OK, so watching the end of the Vikings game made Coach more sweaty and nervous than a nun in a cucumber patch, but let’s face it, the only reason it was so tight is because the refs were worse than France’s newest export idea, Jeff Dammer cheese… So this week’s WTF finds us in familiar territory: the NFL's idiotic rule changes and the incompetency of referees trying to enforce them. What's the matter ... Is Football bad for the NFL? And why are the Packers always the poster children for this crap (#FailMary brings back terrible refs to replace the really terrible replacement refs)? Just off the top of my head, here are a few really bad, game-deciding calls blown by the refs at Lambeau on Sunday:
Boob-Tube Distracts Packers Fans Milwaukee, WI – In an attempt to retain viewers (and distract opposing pitchers as much as possible) as the NFL gears up and the pennant race draws to a close, Milwaukee Brewers media relations executives have strategically planted a voluptuous brunette in a seat behind home plate so that she is always displayed in the upper left hand corner of your television monitor. The full figured fair maiden is situated there for every home game, in the same spot, wearing an eye-popping low cut blouse. “Yeah, normally I lose interest in the Brewers once Packers training camp starts,” admitted Hales Corners native, Mo Turbotin, “but for some reason I just can’t stop watching them. Funny, though, because I have zero interest in actually going to a game or keeping abreast of them when they are on the road. I don’t know why that is.” You'll probably recall that advertising executives began covert efforts to expose brand name products to unwitting movie goers in the 1950’s using targeted film splices, before the practice was outlawed at the behest of consumer rights advocates. “This backdrop boobie-trap just takes subliminal mind control to the next level” claims local psychiatrist Dr. Leo Marvin. “It may be perky for ratings, but I can’t say for sure if it makes the Brewers play any better.” Well, in this particular game against the Pirates, the Brewers had 2 knockers over the wall in the 1st inning and reached 2nd base 8 times in their 7-4 victory. In fact, on the play shown above, Orlando Arcia got a 2-bagger on a supple bunt! No doubt about it … there’s magic in those mammaries. Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About Roughing The Passer Brookfield,WI—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what roughing the passer is. “God, this so awkward, after the past 2 weeks he has so many questions and I can’t describe how it works,” said Dorgan, who admitted to stammering his way through an uncomfortable 10-minute explanation of what it means to drive the quarterback into the ground. “I tried bringing out a football to show him what completing the act of passing means, but I think it just confused him more. And then there was this painful silence after he asked about leaving one’s feet to make a tackle. How do you explain something as complicated and mysterious as that to your son? I wish he just asked his mother.” Dorgan added that something as important and complicated as roughing the passer should really be taught in school. Perry Takes King Under Wing Green Bay, WI – Packers veteran Outside Linebacker Nick Perry has apparently started mentoring 2nd-year Cornerback Kevin King. “There’s so much time to do fun things besides football when you’re an injury scratch each week, and I wish I had someone to show me the ropes for how to make the most of all the paid time off” said Perry. “I had no idea not playing could be so rewarding” added King. "It's really nice when an experienced veteran shows interest in you. Much of last year I was just kinda bored, mostly playing Madden and Fortnite to kill time, but now it’s only Week 3 and I’m almost finished crocheting a new afghan made completely of authentic Jamaican dreadlocks.” There’s no set timetable on King’s return to the gridiron, but the Packers confirmed on Wednesday that it likely won’t be before Perry’s next debilitating hand injury. The Bears still suck – Coach has proof Bears Fan Assumed Player Sighting Would Do More for His Popularity St. Charles, IL – After unexpectedly running into Offensive Lineman James Daniels in the Charlestowne Mall food court, local Bears fan T.R. Bobby admitted to reporters that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his popularity. “When I met the guy who backs up Kyle Long at Right Guard, I sorta felt like things would start picking up for me or something, but so far it’s been pretty quiet.” said Bobby of his brief encounter. “It’s like people hear me explaining how I approached James, asked for his autograph, and was told ‘I like your shirt,’ but then they just kinda nod upward and sorta sidestep away from me.” At press time, things were reportedly starting to pick up once Bobby emailed a picture of the autograph to his brother, Walker, in Elgin, who responded, “Cool.” Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Game Summary: BYU shows up, Bucky does not, OL wilts and Badgers lose First of all, hats-off to the BYU Polygamists and their coach Kalani Sitake. Those guys showed up ready to play and kicked Badger ass. Their defense swarmed and held our running game in check. The offense had some surprising runs by Squally Canada. They perfectly executed a trick double pass play for a TD, and the coach did the best kicker icing we have ever seen for the win. We hope they win out and are ranked high at the end of the season. Enough said. On our side, this is a setback. But, this game had zero effect on out ability to reach Indy and beat the Bucknuts or Shittany Lions. Losing now may fade in the minds of beauty contest judges come November. We may even sneak into the final four. This loss need not spell doom and gloom for Bucky, unless of course they actually continue to play like this. We know they are better than this. Was the OL affected by the heat? Maybe. Were we surprised at our lack of DL depth? Yes. Was the team overall not mentally prepared to win? Definitely. We had hoped for news on our WR Cephus this week. No news. DD3 has moved to a new place on Mifflin Street. So it’s on to Iowa. We think this will be a grinder and Iowa plays a lot like BYU. Our guys will either bounce back and kick ass, or they will not. We will see. Yes, the Hawkeyes have a QB and some tough defensive guys. Iowa’s defensive line is outstanding. With kickoff temps running 50-60 degrees below last Saturday at Camp Randall, a better performance by Wisconsin’s OL & DL should be expected. Lack of depth will not be as much of an issue for WI’s DL. WI’s LB’s should match up well with Iowa’s very good TE’s. Iowa otherwise lacks elite playmakers on offense. We doubt Nate Stanley will be as putrid as last year with 8 of 24 for 41 yards passing because our D is not as stout. We plan to be wrong on that last part, predicting a score of 21-17 in favor of Bucky. Let's hope the Badgers continue this trend!...
We’re Gonna Kick You’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game
4. We will not, repeat, will not, tie them again. 5. Green Bay Packers lead series 20-15-1 6. The Coach is Jon Gruden’s brother with a 29-36-1 Career Record (Ok, that might be a challenge for Mikey M.) 7. They have Alex Smith, we don’t. 8. The Packes waived CB Deante Burton. Who? Yeah, he was on the roster for one week, but was not active last weekend. (Oh, and we also activated Aaron Jones). 9. Poutine will get the pass rush figured out. The Pack will win going away, bet the D House: GPB 31 Foreskins 17 JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them So, what do Donald Driver, James Lofton, Martellus Bennett, and Jimmy Graham have in common? They all wore number 80, just like this week’s hero, Bob Long. Besides Bob’s cool name, he also had a cool impact on the Packers and Wisconsin lore. As it turns out, Bob Long was the only guy who played for Vince Lombardi in both Green Bay and Washington DC. Long was a muscular wide out for Green Bay in the first two Super Bowls and, although he went his deepest as a Packer, he refined his skills with the Skins before ending his NFL career as a battering Ram. While in Green Bay, Long had a drop in a game and Lombardi showed the play over and over in the Monday film session, demanding to know why his normally sure-handed flanker hadn't hung onto the ball. Long pointed out what everyone could see on the replays — a cornerback poked him in the eye just as the ball arrived. "Being blind is no excuse!" Lombardi bellowed. Sadly, Long’s career ended after only 7-years due to recurring soreness from that poke, which seemed to follow him wherever he ended up. Former teammates commented that Long occasionally became agitated after games during his final year in LA, as his normally strong performances slumped into disappointment after disappointment. Committed to turning his life around after football, Bob Long reached out to his old college fraternity buddies Dick Hertz and Red Stipfi; and, together – with Long’s pushing, they brought the very first Pizza Hut with delivery service to northern Wisconsin. Now, recall that this was back in 1973, when such exotic foreign food was a luxury in those remote parts and it was hard to get delivery boys to come. According to former Price County Controller, Drew Peacock, “It turned out to be the most exciting venture ever conducted in the county up until that time. Longy was the brains of the operation, and he had new ones popping up all over the place… in Hurley, Superior, and even Rhinelander. Oh, and we could count on Stipfi whenever things got sloppy, a real standup guy. Dick was a big part of the effort up front, but always seemed to be off in the corner doing something else.” And as you know things turned out okay for Pizza Hut, and the rural Wisconsinites who wanted their pie hot from a Long delivery.
So, before we turn our attention to DC, let’s be sure to stand up at attention and give a big hard salute to a memorable Packer, Bob Long. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Well, it was quite an opening weekend. Coach barely could muster a 6-hour tailgate leading up to kickoff, after the all-day pre-concert parking lot party before Steve Miller took the stage outside Lambeau Field on Saturday. Of course, Coach was in the front row and, I must say, I hope I can rock like the Space Cowboy did when I’m 74 years old! Great time and a great warmup for the inevitable beat down of the Bears which followed Sunday night. Create a seam here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Coach is assuming you don’t live under a rock, so you already know about the Miracle Comeback. Coach is assuming that you are paying attention and have already heard that the Packers were 0-111 when trailing by 17 entering the 4th quarter (that’s according to ESPN, Coach recommends that you independently fact-check that one). Coach is assuming that you watched the game and know that the 7 to 8 point favorite Packers quickly transformed into significant underdogs, with odds as long as 18-1. Coach is assuming that you noticed Rodgers was forced out of the game in the 2nd quarter by DE Roy Robertson-Harris and just minutes later Deshone (but-you-can-call-me-TJ-Rubley-for-short) Kizer shot-putted a screen pass to Khalil Mack for a pick-6 that put Chicago up 17-0 right before halftime…proving yet again that if you are a below average talent, you should do exactly what the play called for and not try to be a hero. (Coach has described TJ in previous years so he won’t repeat, but click here if you need a reminder.) To be fair, McCarthy NEVER should have called a pass play on that 3rd-and-a-mile nor on the play before that with the Packers being buried so deep on the field with no reasonable amount of time left on the clock for Kizer to matriculate the ball down the field. See also, every Coach Clarahanson Show!!! from last year when McCarthy did the exact opposite of what any reasonable professional football coach would do in the waning seconds of the 1st half. At halftime, with Rodgers' return officially questionable, oddsmakers at New Jersey sportsbooks DraftKings and FanDuel had the Bears listed as giant -3,300 favorites to win (bet $3,300 to win $100). DraftKings reported that around halftime a dipshit Bears Fan risked $2,000 on the Bears to win at -3,333 odds for a chance at around a $60 profit -- only to cash out for $1,838.28 six minutes later. Clearly stupid, but not as stupid as most Bears Fans. So, what did happen? Let’s jump in the way-back-machine and see what Coach made as last week’s prediction: Because the Bears suck and had the worst Offense in the NFL last year, nobody noticed that the defense was solid. They were 10th in yards allowed and ninth in scoring defense. Now add arguably the best defensive player in football to that mix. Fangio is going to focus on the run first and then harass AR with lots of stunts and twists and try to put the Bears in the same position as the Niners. Akiem Hicks is a very good 3-4 defensive end, but Hicks isn't the sort of player who can take over a game. Mack is—and now that he's in Chicago, the number of double-teams Hicks will see in the upcoming season just fell to approximately zero. With Hicks and linebackers Roquan Smith and Danny Trevathan, the Bears have the foundation for a decent front seven. The only way Turdbiscuit can do anything this Sunday is if the D forces three-and-outs, turnovers and returns kicks to inside the Packers 15-yard line. Which is basically what happened. If you adjust out the “Kizer Effect” from AR’s injury, the score would have been 27-16. Dang, Coach is smart. What happened is exactly what Coach was afraid of, Chicago’s DL focused on shutting down the run and literally beat the tar out of the Packers’ OL. Fer shure Mack was a beast, but the real story was Akiem Hicks, shown here sacking Rodgers in the 1st Qtr after simply pushing Justin McCray out of the way. McCray had a couple of holding penalties, but really the whole OL just could not control the Bears front 7. Mack was the first player since 1982 with a sack, interception, touchdown, forced fumble and fumble recovery in one half. The last guy to do it? Hall of Famer: Lawrence Taylor. We’re lucky A-Rod didn’t become the next Joe Theismann. So, what did “I’m one of the most successful coaches in the NFL” McCarthy do to adjust to this force of nature? Nothing. In Marcedes Lewis we have one of the best blocking TE’s in the NFL, an obvious choice to play at a wingback or fullback position, motioning into a blocking position to help the OL. And? He had exactly 7 offensive snaps on the night, all but one with Kizer. Where was Lewis when 300# Roy Rodgers twisting AR’s knee with Mack? He was on the bench watching, much as you can see Linsley, McCray and Bulaga doing in the photo below. Kizer was of course pathetic. But to be fair, Rodgers was doing very little in the first half...holding the ball and running around…only to come back on one leg and throw a game for the ages in the second half. (Well, maybe a quarter for the ages.) But we won and now we have to see how his leg heals during the Viqueens week. We’ll take the W, but there were some real concerning things to take away from the game. The biggest problem was that we had our asses handed to us on both the OL and DL. Packers’ run game opened with two nice runs but was otherwise pathetic. We only totaled 69 yards running, 54 from our RB’s. The reverse was true for Chicago, their run game was very effective against us with a 5.1 yards/carry average and a total of 132 yards, with some very nice scrambles by Turdbiscuit. We are only one week into the season, but the Defensive stats were very concerning. You no doubt have heard the praises for Poutine’s mid-game adjustments, but Coach isn’t drinking the Kool-aide just yet. The Packers are still doing way too much tackling by the D-backs…causing Coach to shout “Fire Capers” throughout most of the game. We’ll give Poutine a few more weeks before getting too concerned, but this lack of DL tackling is not a good start. And maybe to Poutine’s credit, after Turdbiscuit’s first two series he really did nothing passing the rest of the game and ended up with a 77.2 Passer Rating. Da Bears actually dominated in time-of-possession, rush yards and turnovers, so it’s a little hard to explain why we won. It was almost a reverse flashback to the 2014 NFC Championship Game with Seattle, but in this case the Bears were in command at 2:42 to go they had a win probability of 97%. This difference is that we have peg-leg Rodgers, we had a rally by the whole offense and some really good defensive play by the Packers. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Browns Fail to Lose Home Opener Cleveland, OH – “The weather was a huge factor” said television analyst and former Wisconsin Badger and Browns all-pro lineman Joe Thomas regarding the outcome of game. “If it wasn’t pouring so hard all day, for sure the guys would have figured out a way to drop this one to the Steelers.” Much of the blame also falls onto fellow Wisconsin Badger and current Pittsburgh linebacker TJ Watt, who could only generate 4 sacks and a blocked field goal Sunday afternoon. Following the game, interim Browns QB Tyrod Taylor implied that he doesn’t intend to give up the starting job in Cleveland to the number 1 overall draft pick, Baker Mayfield, without a fight. “I know my performance today didn’t live up to the fans’ expectations, but given another opportunity I’m sure we can fall behind far enough in 60 minutes of regulation to ensure a loss. Heh-heh, no need to bring in the rookie just yet.” Conversely, Browns GM John Dorsey was purportedly beside himself after the game ended in a 21-21 tie, lamenting that half of the League’s General Managers have already moved in front of him for 2019 draft picks. “We’ll be back in the running for first place [2019 overall draft pick] before the leaves start falling – you can count on that.” New NFL Safety Rule Requires Players To Be Careful NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injuries, a new NFL safety rule requires all players to be careful this year. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that players not taking it easy would be subject to 15-yard roughing penalties, retaliatory fines, and a mandatory four-game suspension. “Football can be a little physical sometimes, so we want all players to just exercise some caution when blocking, tackling, or doing pretty much anything on the field. When it comes to safety, we’re really all on the same team.” Proponents of the new measure claim additional benefits will result beyond just player health, such as more parity across the League resulting from an extra 15-yards and a fresh set of downs whenever a shitty quarterback on a shitty team gets touched. Griffin III Looking to Start for Vikings in 2018 Baltimore, MD – “It will be a comeback for the ages.” Robert Griffin III confidently assured us as he fired a proverbial shot across the bow of his former Redskins replacement, Kirk Cousins. Seeking a bitter, strange twist of fate, the 3rd string Ravens QB is predicting he will soon supplant the man who took his job in Washington 4 years ago. A Week 1 game day scratch for the Ravens, Griffin muttered “I hate that sonnbitch” as he served us sandwiches in a Linthicum Heights Subway restaurant. “I can’t even bring myself to work at a Cousins, but I had a really nice interview here. Every time I ask ‘Do you want that toasted?’ I see myself diagramming a screen pass to Delvin Cook in the huddle or throwing a game winning pass to Stephan Diggs.” Griffin believes the Packers defense will return the favor to Minnesota in Week 2 for Anthony Barr knocking Aaron Rodgers out of most of the 2017 season and, if that does transpire, he’s willing to walk away from his veteran-minimum contract in Baltimore for a tryout in Minneapolis. At press time we had not yet received a reply to our voicemail request for comment from Vikings football operations personnel. However, the Ravens personnel department did return our call, saying “Whatever.” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Admit it Bears fans, you may have considered it, but you never ever truly believed at any point during the game Sunday night that the Bears would win. Your $140 million man was gassed in the 4th quarter, when ours was just getting warmed up and picked him apart. Randall Cobb blew right by him and ran down the middle of the field for the game winning touchdown (sound familiar?). It sucks to be you. Your team sucks. It just does. Go back to Loserville (don't forget change for tolls) and prepare to battle for last place with the Lions (again). Here’s a feel-good story about a Bears fan that taunted the crowd at Lambeau Field, and then got punched in the face -- by reality… In typical punkass fashion, a particularly obnoxious Bears fan (see below) felt the need to scream at Packers fans after every play in the 1st half of the game Sunday night as if he alone was in charge of taunting the state of Wisconsin at the behest of the Chicago Bears organization. It was a classic example of Bears fans being unfamiliar with success, and how to handle even a minuscule dose of it. The climax of his classless display was when he cheered for Aaron Rodgers getting injured, sarcastically interrogating “IS IT HIS COLLARBONE!? OH NO, IS IT HIS COLLARBONE AGAIN? HA HA!” Then a sweet, elderly fellow from across the aisle in a Bart Starr jersey hobbled over and confronted the behemoth figure, pointing up to his face and threatening “If you cheer again when a player gets hurt, you’ll be leaving here on a stretcher!” Everyone laughed and cheered in support of the geriatric gentleman. This of course only egged the Illinois idiot on. It turns out he bought a ticket for himself and his brother – it was his brother’s birthday. So, fast forwarding, the Moron of the Midway ends up getting a visit from security at halftime, and is sequestered to remain in the concourse (away from his brother) until the start of the 4th quarter. (Meanwhile, classy Packers fans appropriately golf clapped as Bears player after Bears player staggered back to their sideline after suffering a game-stopping injury.) Needless to say, when fatty was allowed back, he clearly felt shamed as he slithered in to join his brother again with his tail between his legs. The best part, NOT ONE Packers fan gave him “the business” … which would have been very easy to do, and just. He was visibly puzzled that nobody taunted him as the Bears started imploding and Rodgers picked them apart over and over again until they lost (I guess that would be the appropriate thing to do in Illinois?). The befuddled FIB grasped that nobody gave any merit to him or what he had to say, no matter how loud and bothersome he was in the first half. He couldn’t even produce enough of an impact to get a single retaliatory jeer from any of the hundreds of Packers fans he offended in the crowd. So, pathetic BEARS FANS, you are just another sad reason that the Bears still suck. Oh, and EAT ME. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky Wins by 31, Drops in Polls Middleton, WI – The Badger coaching staff did the right thing by limiting their passing formations and resting the starters at the end of Saturday’s blowout, though one could argue that repeatedly running Jonathon Taylor up the gut well into the 4th quarter could come back to haunt them as the conference grind takes its toll. They were rewarded by dropping in the rankings to 6th. Go figure. It is too early in the season to get too worked up about this. We know the beauty contest ranking method is crap. We, along with Iowa Hawkeye fans, wish the Iowa State ‘Clones well as they attempt a repeat of last year’s away shocker win over the #5 Sooners. Anyhoo, Bucky spotted New Mexico 7 points when the defense decided to take the first series off, yielding an 87-yard opening TD drive. For good measure Butter Finger Taylor put the ball on the ground near the goal line to keep the game painfully close in the first half. The game plan was plain, white vanilla all around. The passing game was kept under wraps, with few passes being thrown in the vicinity of receivers not named Taylor. After the opening drive, the D settled down and looked like they were playing against a 3rd string QB. Nevertheless, the current crop of stud LB’s are coming around with Van Ginkel, Edwards, Baum, Connelly & Orr leading the disruption. Loudermilk’s return was noticeable. His playmaking threat allows Lyles & others around him to be more effective. DL depth had been a strength over the last 3-4 years, stoning the run, snuffing out opponent comeback attempts and keeping O-linemen off our playmaking LB’s who now draw NFL paychecks. We are dangerously thin at DL and DB. Any injuries in those two areas could prove costly to meeting this season’s high expectations. This week we play BYU again, this time at home. There is every indication, including the 21-point Vegas spread, that this will be a blowout. Coach Kalani Shittake sounds positively resigned to defeat with comments like, “They are stronger. They actually have guys that started against us last year that are now back-ups.” The Cougs QB, Tanner Magnum, is touted to have the most prototypical quarterback name, but other than that does not look like much of a threat (22 of 41 last week against the Cal Bears). He likes to wing it, hopefully providing pick opportunities for our developing ball-hawking secondary. Speaking of former Packers back up QB’s from the Bears, where is Jim McMahon now? It is actually not a happy story as Jimmy Mack suffers the lingering effects of NFL concussions and hard hits (#CharlesMartin). He is a medical marijuana card-holding member of the class action lawsuit against the NFL for negligence in its handling of concussion situations. Among Mack’s maladies are early onset dementia and memory loss. Bristling at the thought that those symptoms are somehow connected to football, Roger Goodell suggested that the real culprit is decades-long marijuana abuse dating back to 7th grade. “With that dominant Bears offensive line, nobody laid a finger on that punk McMahon throughout most of his NFL career. McMahon was a stoner in 7th grade, a stoner in high school, a stoner while at BYU and a stoner punk with the Bears. The Charles Martin hit would have never happened were it not for McMahon’s weed-induced state of relaxation and delayed reaction time which caused the Packers interception in the first place and prevented him from reflexively and aggressively pursuing the ball carrier.” Look for little impact from BYU’s top RB Squally Canada, who sounds more like a weather phenomenon bearing down on Ishpeming. He’s averaging 75 yards a game. He had better get those yards early, before the Badgers defense (along with their offense) awakens from yet another un-focused slow start to a non-conference game. With this game being broadcast by ABC, Paul Chryst will be less tempted to trot out the vanilla play book and save the trickery for Iowa. Look for Bucky to air it out a bit more with DD3 as a decoy, AJ Taylor looking good and Neuville back on the field. Barry Alvarez nephew Jake Ferguson has emerged as possibly the best TE pass-catching threat. Look for them to pick on porous Dayan Ghawoloku who is noted for chasing faster WR’s into endzones on blown coverages. Our prediction Bucky 45-Cougs 16. In other news… following Tuesday’s preliminary hearing during which sexual assault charges against Quintez Cephus were not dropped, the case will move forward and it is appearing much less likely that Cephus will play this season. We're Gonna Kick Your A$$ – predictions for the upcoming game OK, before we get to the details, let’s just acknowledge that Gutey was swimming upstream in trying to build a roster for the 2018 Packers. The Pack have been a “draft & develop” team for the entire Ted Thompson regime, so the most important players on the roster should be those players in their 3rd & 4th seasons (meaning they are still on Rookie Contracts and affordable so that you can pay high priced players). Coach had a look back at the players draft in 2015 (in their 4th season now), 2016 and 2017. This may be too complex so pay attention: Green=Good Yellow=Average NFL Player Red = Wasted Draft Pick Out of those three drafts, Coach can only come up with one “Green”, Blake Martinez. While he has been pretty reliable, he’s an AJ Hawk style over achiever and could be a “Yellow.” (Of course, any of these are debatable, and I welcome a well-thought challenge to them over a bottle of New Glarus Stone Soup, but directionally these are fairly accurate compared to the rest of the League.) Let’s give Gutey some early credit in 2018 for an improved Roster. The most important moves were bringing back Joe Philbin at Offensive Coordinator and adding Mike Pettine at Defensive Coordinator. We'll need them doing their thing to beat the Queens, and here's how it will go down... Courtesy of Ioppolo Sports Information Service (ISIS), we see that MM only ran “12 Personnel” (1 RB, 2 TE, 2WR) on 20% of the plays in the Bears game. A related point is that McCarthy will not be so stupid as to limit Marcedes Lewis to only 7 offensive snaps again, as he will motion Lewis in the Wingback-Fullback zone and provide some extra blocking against the Purple Penis Eaters. Also, 1. The Vikings are over rated. Last week against the 49’ers they were outplayed, but they won because the Niners were Plus 3 on Turnovers (including two for TD’s) and the Niners only put the ball in the EZ on four Redzone Trips. 2. They can’t change who they truly are (Click On Link). In a recent interview on Viking TV, Randy Moss said “I was loyal to the Minnesota Vikings. I was loyal to Coach Green and the organization,” Moss said. “… what I do know now, I’d have probably gotten out of there my second year.” 3. They are barely tougher than their stadium microphone holder 4. Their fans hate us because they are envious 5. We play at Lambeau and Coach will be there 6. We have Mike Poutine (DC) and Joe Philbin (OC) to counteract Mike McCarthy 7. And…. Coach GUARANTEES an Aaron Rodger’s start Book it: The Pack will win in a tight one, 24-21. JB - Packers you forgot about, but stories you'll remember about them Congratulations to Arland Oarcio from Weyauwega, the winner of last week’s Hot Body, Weird Face contest. Arland correctly chose Kimberly Guilfoyle over other vote-getters Sarah Jessica Parker, Kirsten Dunst, and Jennifer Lawrence. For his winning entry, Arland got to select the JB dedication this week for a Packers player with ties to a memorable Vikings moment, and he selected “Anyone from 1961.” Why (you might ask)? Well, Arland, being the smart feller that his is, knows that 1961 was the year of Lombardi’s 1st of 5 NFL championships, AND it was also the year when the Minnesota Vikings joined the NFL (57 years ago, 42 years after the Packers, all with ZERO championships to their name. By way of comparison, the Packers have 7 NFL championships since then, or roughly 1 every 8 years). It also happened to be the year when the NFL lengthened the season to a whopping 14 games, so there’s that, too, just FYI. You can quiz your weird brother-in-law on that one over the holidays when he brings up a dumb conversation topic like the fuel efficiency differences he’s noticed with his Hyundai Sonata since he started varying the content of ethanol in his gas. But I digress... So this week we pay tribute to the great Center of the 1961 Green Bay Packers, number 51, Jim Ringo. The Chesapeake, Virginia native was a 10-time pro-bowler during his 15-year playing career. Holy crap! No surprise, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1981. Ringo was relatively undersized at 6 feet, 2 inches and barely 230 pounds soaking wet, but cat-quick at executing difficult cut blocks. He was Offensive Captain of Coach Lombardi’s 1st two NFL championship teams in 1961 and ’62. He subsequently played for the Philadelphia Eagles (1964-67), and received the distinctive honor of being chosen on the NFL’s 1960s All-Decade Team. And, if you ask me, he also looked a little like Rudy from that Notre Dame movie. Although Jim Ringo only lived to be 75 (1931-2007), he was a very durable performer, once holding the NFL record for most consecutive games played (183), including 126 with Green Bay. If he was suiting up against the Vikings this Sunday at noon, he would be tough enough to get the job done. Let’s salute him by giving those purple pansies a good old fashioned ass whooping on our home turf!
PS Milwaukee fans, please fight the urge to cheer loudly when we're on Offense (especially on 3rd down), and don't leave early to beat traffic... You live in Wisconsin for chrypes sake; with a noon kickoff you'll probably still make'er home in time for supper, en so? |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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