Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach felt compelled to put a bow on the white elephant gift that was the 2018 season and get you feeling good about what's to come. So THIS is the final, final 2018 season episode. No more episodes while the playoffs move forward (probably), but Coach will be back right before the draft to prep you for the 2019 season. In the meantime, good luck setting your tip-ups, and go Bucks! Cream A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme It was a blowout, just as Coach predicted… …the most disgusting home game Coach has ever seen. …the team quit before they left the locker room. …wanna know why? Here’s why: Packers blown out 31-0 … Murphy declares Titletown a success This is what the Packers view as success. Just showing up in a Packer jersey and expecting fans to support the commercial excess without putting a competitive team on the field will not last long. This community has supported the Packers through many, many tough times, but there are too many alternative recreational options today to expect the fans to support ineptitude. DC and Northwestern might be fond of participation trophies, but Green Bay is not. As the Packers Executive Committee has neither said nor done anything, Coach assumes that they have endorsed Murphy’s “Jerry Jones Model” of Football Management. He has explained at several news conferences that he knows a lot about football, football coaches and hiring football coaches. Interesting. What is also interesting is that if you look carefully at one of the pictures above, you will notice he is wearing a dress shirt while sledding down his new hill. In a supreme bit of irony, not only does he not understand Packer Nation (pardon the double negative), he does not understand how to dress for riding a tube down a snow hill either… Fire Murphy. The house cleaning needs attention at the top. The McCarthy/Rodgers (TT/Capers) Era Let’s take a look back at the last 10 Seasons, the heart of the McCarthy era, and see if we can glean any insight into why we are all so frustrated. As we do that, Coach hastens to remind you, the loyal reader, that when our team scores more points than the other team, we win. This keen insight was examined by a nerdy guy named Bill James to develop an evaluation of how many games a baseball team “should have won” based on the difference in runs scored and runs allowed. Coach recognizes that most of you slept through High School geometry, but he’s guessing that you will remember the name Pythagoras and his theorem. Good ’ol Bill wondered if he could lean on Pythagoras for some insight on this. Pythagoras held that A^2 + B^2 = C^2 (to determine the unknown length of one side of a right triangle). So Bill started playing with sports data and derived an empirical formula for baseball and then football that resembles the Pythagorean theorem. The predicted number given by this equation is referred to as Pythagorean Wins. Feel free to go back to sleep here, but if you study the equation above you see that as the Point Differential increases (difference between offensive points scored and defensive points allowed), the Pythagorean Wins number increases. Very importantly, it increases at a faster rate when the defensive points allowed decreases. In other words, a superior defense is likely to create more wins than a superior offense. That helps explain, technically, what most NFL fans believe anyway: Defense wins championships. So what? How does that apply to the last 10 years? There are several key takeaways from the chart above. The first one is that 2009 and 2010 were the best teams that McCarthy had, they both had seasons of 11.8 predicted wins. Equally, both were “unlucky” in the regular season. The 2010 team jumps out as really good, they “should” have been 12-4, so Coach sees nothing surprising about the Super Bowl run. The 2014 team (meltdown in Seattle) “outperformed” to achieved 12 Regular Season wins, but maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that the 11-win team got bounced. What’s also interesting is that the Packers have “outperformed” the Regular Season Predicted wins by 1.4 wins per season. That certainly explains most of the playoff disappointments, charlatans who didn’t belong there in most cases anyway … likely the beneficiary of being in a piss-poor division with the likes of choking Vikings, self-destructing Lions, and sucking Bears, to afford more wins than a team with real competition could have otherwise generated. How can that be? How can we consistently average an extra win-and-a-half? Well, obviously there are more factors involved, but at the highest-level Coach sees two possible explanations:
Both Coaches were pretty decent, good managers of the team who can average 10 wins and then flame out in playoffs. So, let’s discard explanation #1, McCarthy was not carrying this team. (Note, McCarthy’s winning percentage above includes the Favre years and the 2008 AR season.) Most of you have been thinking this anyway, but the data suggests that Rodgers has been carrying the team. Rodgers had an off year in 2018, so the team had an off-year. When Rodgers plays like a superhuman, the Packers have a good year. Marty never got a ring, but he didn’t have Aaron Rodgers (rather, he had the likes of Elvis Grbac, Gary Danielson, Rich Gannon, Mike Pagel, Steve DeBerg, Don Strock, and Steve Pelluer … how do you think McCarthy would have fared with those knuckle-draggers?). Let’s just hope that Gutey and the new Coach know that we need to build a Defense. To be fair to Ted, he knew it, and he tried, but he just couldn’t pick ’em worth a shit in the last few years. Three of the 4 Packer Super Bowl Wins came when we had the No. 1 scoring defense (the other year we were 3rd). We have had some of the best QB’s in the history of the NFL, but we have only won it all when we had an exceptional defense. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Escaped Lions Kill 57-Year-Old Interim Coach’s Future “The Packers are devastated by the loss of a coach’s career today,” the organization said in a statement Sunday. GREEN BAY – The prospect of the Packers’ interim head coach getting the position full-time in 2019 was killed by the Detroit Lions after they escaped from a locked space (subservience) on Sunday. Packers Lawyer-in-Chief CEO and purveyor of “Murphy’s Law” (the overarching certainty that any aspect of football operations Mark Murphy can control will go wrong) announced that the interim coach’s chance to become the regular head coach was killed during a routine division game in Lambeau Field about 2:30 p.m. ET. The victim was identified by the Brown County Sheriff’s Office as Joseph A. Philbin, 57, a native of Springfield, Massachusetts and a recent two-time Offensive Coordinator for the Green Bay Packers. In a prepared statement, Murphy’s press assistant Connie Lingus told reporters “Although the team was led by professionals against a battered foe who was falling apart toward the end of the season and had only won once in Green Bay over the past couple of decades, the otherwise routine dismantling of Detroit went inexplicably awry when the Lions somehow left their locked space and entered the space where football players were in, and quickly killed the future of Coach Philbin.” The NFL said it is investigating how the Lions managed to escape their ineptitude, and that they will be returned to inferiority by Thanksgiving of 2019. The NFL would not comment on the fate of the Packers, citing deference to Murphy and his bid to overtake Roger Goodell as League Commissioner. Demovsky: Aaron Rodgers Should Return To His Prime BRISTOL, CT – Since the Packers quarterback signed an NFL-highest $134 million salary prior to the start of the 2018 season, including $100 million of that guaranteed, Packers expert reporter Rob Demovsky is openly starting to question if Aaron Rodgers should swallow his pride and return to the prime of his career. Said Demovsky, “If A-Rod doesn’t want to end up sulking on the sidelines and possibly even be relegated to a backup role, why not go back to leading the league in passer rating? He certainly didn’t help much toward getting the Packers into the playoffs with his play this year, so I think he should at least be open to carving out a role for himself as a player you can build an NFL champion around.” The statistics support Demovsky's assertion: When looking at the current roster of the Packers, it’s hard to see how Rodgers can get Green Bay back into the post season unless he returns to his heyday as an MVP candidate. Demovsky added, “Who knows why Aaron decided to leave such a cushy setup, but I’m sure Packers fans would want to see him back at his pinnacle. The guy was hitting any open receiver he wanted – sometimes ‘throwing them open’ and he had the respect of all his coaches, peers, and even me. I hate to see him tarnish his legacy when he could have played his entire career as Aaron Rodgers from 2011.” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Fan Claims It's Been “A Great Year To Masturbate In The Basement” WINNETKA, IL – Noting a feeling of euphoria when the Bears march a competitive football team out onto the field, and the resulting amorous feeling he gets while watching them play, local fan Chet Yubecha said Sunday after the Vikings game that it’s been a banner year for banging one out in his mom’s basement. “Anyone can download porn, but it’s not every year you can see the Bears win almost every week. I don't know for sure, but I bet I coulda filled a 2-liter bottle this year.” The setup in the Yubecha basement is impressive. You’ll find a mini-fridge tucked behind the bar, filled with Pepsi and Dr. Pepper. Each light switch on the wall has a dimmer, and there’s also a remote control unit for them. The guest bathroom has a USB charger and a small laptop stand next to the toilet. There’s a 55” HD flat screen TV in front of the sectional couch for watching every Bears game, and on non-game days (or when the Bears lose), Chet can rely on his Blu-ray, DVD, and VHS hook-ups. “I never know when the feeling is gonna hit me, but when it does I want to put myself in a position to take advantage of it” said Yubecha. At press time, the optimistic Bears fan was stocking up on tissues and Aloe Vera in case of a deep playoff run. Trubisky: “I Can Be Just As Big Of A Disappointment As Jay Cutler” CHICAGO – Presumably unprepared for the media attention that a playoff spot brings, a bewildered Mitchell Trubisky revealed with wide-eyed honesty to reporters on Monday that he hopes to carry on the Bears tradition of collapsing in January when the opportunity presents itself. “It’s been a while since Jay’s [Cutler] been here, and even longer since the Bears have made the playoffs, but I’m sure I can throw just as many picks as he did and maybe even fake an injury or two to pout on the sidelines as the Eagles’ defense shuts us down offensively and confuses Chase Daniel to no end.” The second-year QB even went on to take the unprecedented step of predicting the score of the Bears’ loss, 17-2. When reached for comment, a smug Jay Cutler suggested “Mitch Turdburgler will never be as good as me, and with that defense he’s got…any below-average quarterback could have gone undefeated considering the easy schedule the Bears had this year.” Trubisky could not be reached for a response, but did reply in a subsequent phone interview: “Really, Jay mentioned me? That’s really neato!” Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Miami Hurry-Canes Fall Down, Can’t Get up Cognitive decline, excessive aging, loss of muscle mass and atrophy conspired against the 'Canes in a 35-3 shitstomping at the hands of the Badgers. This was a 15th ranked Miami defense that could not stop the same one-dimensional Badgers offense that was easily snuffed out by BYU, Northwestern, Michigan, Penn State and Minnesota. Same plays—Taylor right, Taylor left, Taylor up the middle, single-digit receptions to receivers unable to get more than two feet of separation. Miami’s turnover chain defense simply could not stop Wisconsin’s run. The Badgers’ defense seemingly doubled their season’s interception total against two of the worst quarterbacks faced during the Alvarez era. Other highlights included an occasional wrinkle in Paul Chryst’s otherwise predictable play-calling, including tight end screens not seen since the days of Owen Daniels, a bootleg touchdown run by Coan, and several snot-bubbling blocks by Alec Ingold. In the days that followed Pinstripe Bowl beatdown, Miami head coach Mark Richt retired, defensive coordinator Manny Diaz de-committed from his Temple Owls head coaching gig and was elevated to Hurry-Canes head coach. During Diaz’s introductory press conference held Friday at Del Boca Vista, it was announced that the entire offensive coaching staff and Strength & Conditioning staff were fired. Elevated to offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator and strength coach, respectively, were Morty Seinfeld, Frank Costanza and Izzy Mandlebaum. In a day of rare, un-scouted Paul Chryst play calls, including running for a touchdown rather than taking a knee in the game’s final seconds, the all too familiar canned postgame commentary containing buzzwords “opportunity,” “appreciation” and “competing” was ditched in favor of a profanity-laced tirade that began with “turnover chain my ass.” The spittle-accentuated venomous words that followed are not fit for print. As ESPN reporters ran for cover and the network cut away to Notre Dame season highlights, a swarm of security staff quickly descended upon Chryst and escorted him from the field. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game OK, enough about the 2018 Packers, on to the Playoffs! You may not have gathered this from above, but Coach firmly believes that scoring more points than the other team is good…and it wins playoff games, too! Coach doesn’t have the “full data base” developed still, but looking back at 2010 (Packer SB year) and then ’15, ’16 & ’17; it’s a pretty clear trend that the better team usually wins. The chart below uses the Regular Season Point differential as a predictor of who will win any given playoff game. Over the four years studied, 77% of the playoff games are won by the team with the better regular season point differential. This starts with about 70% of the Wild Card games and improves to 88% of the Conf Championships. Obviously, this makes sense, as typically the best team has the best point differential, ***completely independent of who is the home or away team*** in the playoffs. Let’s use this knowledge to look at this year’s playoffs. This weekend the Bears and Seahawks look like locks to move on in the NFC. But, of course, Coach reminds you that, above all, the Bears still suck and they will lose to the Eagles in the Wildcard round … this assertion allows for the traditional approximate “77%” accuracy of the model in the playoffs (1 of 4 favorites will lose), assuming the model favorites win out in the AFC... On the AFC side the Point Differentials are much closer, so much more of a toss-up. The Texans and Ravens have better defenses on paper and are playing at home, but the Colts look like the hottest team going into the playoffs this year. Like I said, a toss-up. Since I already blew my 77% wad on the Bears loss, let’s assume the Colts and Ravens follow the model. In the divisional round… AFC: Patriots, Chiefs & Ravens top the charts. The Chiefs should be one of the two winners, and the other Div Round game will be in New England, so pencil in the Patriots to participate in another AFC Championship. They have not fared so well on the road in the playoffs, though, so KC should playing for the Lombardi Trophy this year (unless Andy Reid can’t get out of his own way). NFC: Saints & Rams have the largest differentials. The Rams do not have a great defense, so they could also fall to a Nick Foles-led upstart 6th-seed Eagles team in an unfilled stadium in south-central Los Angeles , but either way the numbers predict the Saints will win the NFC Championship at home. This is a completely believable scenario if you’ve watched meaningful games in the Superdome this year. Oh, and another ~77% accuracy prediction for the model in the Divisional Round. To Recap: NFC Championship: Eagles @ Saints AFC Championship: Pats @ Chiefs Super Bowl: Saints vs. Chiefs Super Bowl Winner: Saints And very importantly … the model will have predicted 82% of the game winners (9 of 11 correctly predicted)! And if it’s wrong? Well, too bad, you can work overtime to replenish the kid’s college fund (and you won’t remember these predictions by next week, let alone when Coach publishes The Show!!! again for the draft). JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them A coupletree weeks ago we had a contest for best cameo appearance in a movie, and Coach received some questions about one of the entries featuring a relatively obscure former Packers player named Brett Lorenzo Favre (pronounced “Fah-vruh”) who was in the movie entitled “There’s Something About Mary” … it turns out many folks saw the movie, but didn’t know that the “ex-boyfriend” of Cameron Diaz’s character “Mary” was a former NFL player who was on the Packers roster as a quarterback at the time the movie was released. The most attentive of football fans might recognize Favre as an NFL quarterback, but more likely as a journeyman with the Falcons, Jets, or Vikings. In reality, though, the first choice for Cameron Diaz's football-playing ex-boyfriend in There's Something About Mary was Drew Bledsoe, not Brett Favre. The Farrelly Brothers, who are big Patriots fans and produced the movie, wanted Bledsoe, then with the Patriots, as the top choice for the end-of-movie cameo in the 1998 hit. "Our first choice was Drew Bledsoe. He was the stud at the time for the Patriots … but he had just gotten into a little…" Bobby Farrelly started to say, and then "They had the mosh incident," Peter Farrelly interjected. "He was a single guy, went out with his pals, they went to a club, he dove into a mosh pit and someone kind of tweaked their neck, nothing serious, but it was in the news. So he called us up and said 'I can’t come do your movie in Miami because if they find out I did a movie after that they’re going to run me out of town.'" "Then we went to Steve Young. And Steve Young called one day and said 'That’s the funniest script I’ve ever read. But I cannot do it, because if I do it, it’s R-rated, and I know all the Mormon kids will be sneaking in and I wouldn’t feel good about that,'" the brothers recalled. "Stand up guy … then we went to Favre. When Brett was coming, we got phone calls from his manager and said 'don’t hit him up for autographs.' So we told the whole crew….” "It’s one of my great regrets in life that I didn’t take that part," Bledsoe said. "I know the movie would’ve had a successful run had I been in it. Had I taken that part instead of Brett, we’re talking Academy Awards and all those things." Favre commented "Well first of all it was a long time ago, so my memory recall is not very good. I just remember it being a lot of fun. It was something very different from what I'd been used to. If I ever felt like a rookie, this was the time. The guys were patient, very nice, enjoyed the crew. My wife and I went down, went out to dinner with the whole crew. It was just a lot of fun, very different from what I'd been used to.
"I was honored to be a part of it. It was funny." But Favre wasn't aware he was the third choice. "No," said a smiling Favre. "If I'd known that I would have never done it." So there you have it. A former Packers player named Brett Favre was in a movie that you probably saw. Related, he also texted a selfie of his dick to this lady...
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Coach hopes you had a Merry Christmas, and let me be the first to wish you a Happy New Year! At this point, 2019 can’t get here fast enough. Now I’m not normally one to go controversial with political correctness around the holidays – hey, Coach loves the holidays as much as the next guy, but with the Lions coming to Lambeau as both teams close out the NFL regular season and the holidays (and the 2018 edition of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!!), I can’t help but reflect on their traditional Thanksgiving home game that kicks off the holiday season each year, and I just have to be honest enough with myself to ask “Does Thanksgiving annually glorify the historical slaughter of the Detroit Lions?” If you ask me, Thanksgiving is just plain disrespectful to the Lions and their fans. That franchise has suffered for decades and decades, and yet there we are every year – celebrating the total massacre of the Lions. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate Thanksgiving just like everyone, but I’m starting to worry that it makes me complicit in the pain that the city of Detroit and all of lower Michigan have to endure. Think about it: it’s a whole day that is built around an entire team being systematically and brutally wiped out. It shouldn’t be a holiday, it’s a national tragedy! Whether or not you want to admit it, Detroit Lions fans still exist. You probably rarely see them if at all, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of them. Think about what Thanksgiving Day must be like for them… when you’re gathered with your family, watching comfortably, enjoying yourselves at their expense. This has been going on for so long that some young people might not even remember how badly the Lions have been annihilated in the past…enough is enough I say! It’s time to stop having them be the sacrificial lamb that starts the holiday season each year. I’m not suggesting you stop having family over on Thanksgiving for a nice meal, I’m just saying be aware of your privilege because you are not a Lions fan. Put yourselves in their shoes for once, and try enjoying the holiday in a more solemn, respectful and conscious way. I for one am choosing to not watch the Lions game next Thanksgiving, and I would urge all of you to do the same. But, yeah, I’ll be at Lambeau watching ‘em get slaughtered THIS Sunday, of course! Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Here’s what you need to know about the Jets game. Number 1: In a scintillating duel between two losing teams, we took a potentially easy game and we made it like the kid who dives and slides while catching a routine fly ball in the outfield. Yes a win, but made much, much more difficult by totally inept Special Teams. Yes, yet another ST f’up, this time with a KO return for a TD. Not only did we gift them a direct TD, we fumbled a return and gave them another long return to tie up the game at the end. So chalk up 17 Jets points directly to the Zook’s Special Bus Boys. “But Coach, when I watch Packers shows on TV they say it’s not his fault because the players are recent signings that don’t usually play Special Teams or know their assignments very well.” Well, concerned reader from Two Rivers, the job of a Special Teams coordinator is to take any sluggo off the street with speed and get him familiar with the 2-3 assignments he has to complete on Sunday. That’s it. Thirty-one other coordinators in the NFL have the same responsibility, and do it better (much). Moreover, the Zookster is just as responsible for getting HIS returner to run for long returns (including touchdowns) like the other teams do against him. He just sucks at it. All of McCarthy’s ST coordinators have stunk. Fire Zook. The Defense was absolutely horrible for three quarters, and then finally stiffened up for the last 5 drives. But to be fair to Pettine, Blake Martinez and Tramon Williams were the only Week 1 starters still on the field by the end of the game. Keep Pettine A subplot to the game is that Jamal Williams and Aaron Rodgers had a heck of a game running….and….Aaron Rodgers heard that Coach contemplated benching him (read last week’s blog), and he responded!! The highlight of the game was our Savior Jake Kumerow arrived in all of his glory! The 2018 fan favorite, UW Whitewater Alum and new GB Packer Superstar, Jake Kumerow scored the pivotal first Packers TD in the game to bring the score to 7-14. Kumerow is the son of former Miami Dolphins first round pick Eric Kumerow. He is also the cousin of current Los Angeles Chargers defensive end Joey Bosa and Ohio State defensive end Nick Bosa. In unrelated news, 4 out of 5 Packer fans surveyed could not identify relatives of Jeff Janis. Fast-forwarding to the impact of Sunday’s outcomes on the 2019 draft… We are picking at No. 14 right now, with a best/worst range of draft possibilities between No. 10 (we lose, with help) and No. 18 (we win, with others losing). We are going to win and the Dolphins and Skins are likely to lose, so we will be picking with the Browns at no. 17 or No. 18. The tank vs. win debate has been a hot topic since the Cardinals debacle. The pro-tank crowd points to our swiss cheese roster next year after CM III, Cobb & possibly Bulaga are gone, coupled with issues at TE and guys like Bakhtiari and Daniels entering the injury-prone phase of their careers. Lots of holes to potentially fill via the draft and free agency. The pro-win crowd points to all the stuff you’ve heard Rodgers say this week—the win feels good on the plane ride home and in the locker room, leadership, players are competitors, groom young receivers to step up next year, guys playing for roster spots next year, etc. Coach is definitely AGAINST tanking in the NFL. Despite the moronic argument that each win means missing out on a game changer, you can always trade up if you want to if you feel it is that important. You never know who will be picked by other teams in front of you, and there are no slam dunks -- so even if you’re picking high “your guy” can be a bust. Or worse, you’re picking number 5 and “you’re” guy gets picked at 4. There’s just too much up in the air on draft day to worry about it the season prior. Besides, have you ever noticed it’s usually the same teams who are picking in the top 10 every year? …and the teams picking late in the 1st round usually are in that position each year? What does that tell you? The primary reason Coach is against tanking is because being a consistently good team is about having a winning culture … an expectation that you are going to win every game you play (#PackersFans). Teams that tank don’t have a winning culture and it is nearly impossible to create one unless you snag a Lombardi or a Belichik, who are once in a generation rarity. McCarthy was lucky that the Packers had a winning culture when he arrived, and they got rid of him when he could no longer convince them that he could sustain it. Unfortunately, it took Murphy 3-years longer than it took the rest of us who grew up with and truly understand the Packers franchise. Coach cannot express in words how frustrating this season has been. We have a megalomaniac at 1265 who has installed himself as the Jerry-Jones/Daniel-Snyder of the Packers. We will not be great again until he is gone or relinquishes his authority over football operations. So net takeaway after 15 games in 2018? We have a really mediocre team with questionable talent when healthy. We have a good D-Coordinator, a pretty good QB and a handful of nice players. We need a probowler at each level of the defense, our competent O-linemen to stay on the field, a new head coach, but most of all we need an inspired leader at the top of the organization who can empower the experts do their jobs and demand Lombardi trophies – not participation trophies, from them. Fire Murphy. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Military Honors NFL Heroes By Wearing Jerseys ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced last Friday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout the holiday period between Christmas and New Year’s Day. “Every week, these men are out there on the gridiron, putting their bodies on the line for our country. Having our soldiers wear these jerseys is the least we can do to show our support,” said Pentagon spokesperson Robert Vanden Heuven, who announced that all active-duty soldiers would be sporting gear form all 32 teams to raise awareness of the people who put their lives aside to preserve the American way of life. “These men leave their homes and their families and travel to cities across the country to uphold our nation’s traditions. They are battered and bruised for years, their lives often cut short while we sit back in our barracks and enjoy our freedom. Some of them are never the same after they end their service, and yet we take them for granted. Hopefully, this small gesture shows that the soldiers and officers of the U.S. military know who the true heroes really are.” Packers Coach Named Sexiest Man In America HOLLYWOOD, CA – Congratulations to Green Bay Packers interim head coach — and apparent sex machine, Joe Philbin, for being selected as 2018’s Sexiest Man In America by People Magazine! Being put atop the coaching ranks of the most popular franchise in the NFL certainly has its perks, but the fame and attention from being selected this year’s top male specimen was more than Philbin expected. “Honestly, I just want to win football games. All this other stuff is for you media guys. I wouldn’t say I’m a ten, maybe a nine-and-half, but not a ten.” Well, you’re just being modest, Joe. According to People’s Celebrities Center Of Excellence Director, Michelle Duqúe, Philbin comfortably won the award this year after points deductions were administered to other contenders for minor rules violations (technicalities, really), as Philbin edged out actor Hugh Jackman of Wolverine fame (turns out he’s really from Australia), and so-called comedian Joy Behar (turns out he’s really just an ugly post-menopausal woman, and not funny). Duqúe went on to say that “Joe Philbin was far and away the top candidate this year, primarily because of the dapper way he fills out a jogging suit, his irresistibly debonair personality, and his remarkably sexy resemblance to an unearthed human skull.” Speculation Mounting Over Which Packers Coach Will Be Emasculated The Most By Position Taken On Another Team GREEN BAY — With several names circulating as possibilities for the unique brand of public humiliation, speculation continued to mount Monday over which Packers coaches will be utterly emasculated by working in a lesser capacity for another team next season. “As teams out of the playoff picture begin assembling their staffs for next year, it appears probable that the likes of Ron Zook, Joe Philbin and Mike McCarthy will have to swallow their pride and accept a position where they will pathetically wield a mere ten percent of their former power, authority and prestige that they once had as the top coaching leaders for the Green Bay Packers” said ESPN NFL analyst Adam Schefter, adding that league sources are “fairly confident” in former head coach Mike McCarthy debasing himself as an offensive coordinator, for which he must humbly obey the orders of another guy who was once his peer. Additional insights from reliable unnamed sources also contend that a 2018 Packers coordinator will pitifully spend next season taking orders from a current coordinator on another team who once served as his assistant. Aging Lions Radio Announcer Pushed Out After Struggling To Keep Team’s Failings Straight DETROIT, MI – Attributing a drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, compounded by blunt force trauma to his brain suffered during his playing days, the Detroit Lions boldly ended the broadcasting career of their long-time radio color-commentator, Jim Brandstatter, replacing him this year with former Lions offensive tackle, Lomas Brown. Relatives of Brandstatter told reporters Monday that the 70-year-old had been noticeably struggling to keep the numerous failings of all Lions teams straight. “It’s so sad hearing the once-vibrant man call Wayne Fonts a winless loser when he’s always been so sharp at recognizing Wayne as a classic 8-8 overachiever, and it’s actually Rod Marinelli that went 0-16” said Judy Neidermeyer, Brandstatter’s eldest daughter, who noted that her father has always been “sharp as a whip” about the Lions’ foibles, flaws, past mistakes, and embarrassments that Lomas Brown lacked the guts to talk about this year. “The hardest part is how quickly he’s going. Just this Christmas, Dad was reminding everyone that the last time Detroit lost to the Packers on the very last play of a game was on Thanksgiving 1986 when Walter Stanley returned the final Lions punt back for a touchdown, when in reality it was Aaron Rodgers throwing a Hail Mary pass to Richard Rodgers after an extra play was granted to Green Bay for a meaningless facemask on the QB when time had already expired.” Neidermeyer added that all she could do was listen as her father railed against former head coach Bobby Ross as an emotionally distant, passive aggressive disappointment before gently reminding him that he was actually describing Dick Jauron. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Ryan Pace Not Ruling Out Someday Trading Way Too Much For Johnny Manziel CHICAGO-Drunk on delusions of grandeur, Bears GM Ryan Pace claimed Monday that he “Can’t miss” when it comes to acquiring players for the team. “Just look at me now” he boasted between a belch and hiccup of hasty conceit, “…the Bears won the NFC North division, and other GM’s are just jealous that we could accomplish a winning record in just 8 short seasons.” Pace went further into detail, telling reporters he has not ruled out eventually giving up far too much to acquire the former famous Texas A&M quarterback and NFL (and CFL) burnout, Johnny Manziel. “Make no mistake, we may have passed on Johnny in the draft and tried to make up for it later with overpaying Mike Glennon and overreaching for Mitch Turbinski, but I’m still leaving the door open to impulsively trade away our future first- and second-round picks for the rights to him and guarantee him upwards of $100 million if we don’t win the Super Bowl this year,” adding that he needed to double check to see if he actually had any first- or second-round picks left in the foreseeable future. Pace also confirmed that he would be equally open to subsequently cutting Manziel after poor showings in his first four games as a Bear. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Badgers football captain and Green Bay native, Alec Ingold, got the honor of ringing the bell to start trading on Wall Street this Wednesday leading up to Bucky playing Miami in the Pinstripe Bowl. That day the New York Stock Exchange rose more than 1,000 points – the largest single day increase of the NYSE in history! Thank you, Alec InGOLD! He also scored a touchdown in the 3rd quarter of their bowl game, a dominant victory over the Miami Hurricanes for the 2nd consecutive year, 35-3 (despite Gagmeandnoway missing 2 gimme field goals!). Some of Miami’s D-linemen looked pretty good, making hay often in the Badgers’ backfield … wouldn’t mind seeing some of that talent playing for the Packers next year. Yeah, the Badger Underground can comment on the Packers, too, ya know!... Green Bay Packer Benchmarking Opportunity – Athletic Bilbao One must look far and wide to find a small city professional team with consistent big-time success in which the local “club members” control the team without a rich team owner. The Badger Underground staff was dispatched this week to just such a place for investigating the inner workings of Athletic Bilbao of La Liga Espanol (translation: a soccer team in Bilbao, Spain called the “Athletics”). First a little background (Click here for more info). Athletic is one of only three teams to never have been demoted to a lower level league, which is common when a soccer team over there has a bad year (the other two are Barcelona and Real Madrid, who lawn fags know well). They have won La Liga 8 times (the top professional soccer division of the Spanish league since 1928) and have won the Copa del Rey “King’s Cup” 24 times since the inaugural match in 1903 (sort of like a National Championship tournament for professional soccer players). Not too shabby for a team that almost exclusively has local players which would be the equivalent of the Packers only having players from the west division of the Big Ten. We began our investigation by naturally heading out to the local establishments of Bilbao. Thinking that a Thursday afternoon would be a slow time in which to catch some die-hard fans to interview, we were majorly mistaken. The bars were packed with patrons imbibing heavily on a work day. This piqued our interest to say the least. After minimal inquiries were learned that today was the day that the club members (socios) were electing a new president. Our thoughts immediately flooded with the debacle back home that is Mark Murphy, so we needed to know more! Was this true? Did the actual club members, which we learned equate to season ticket holders, have the power to elect the team president of their choosing? Sure enough, this is true! Holy effing shit what a great idea! Imagine if Packer season ticket holders had the power to elect the team president? This makes our heads spin. This type of democracy could cut both ways, but right now it seems very appealing. We can imagine Murphy’s feet being held to the fire three years ago, which woulda led to Ted’s on time departure. The Packers may even have started the 2015 season with a more competent game manager than Mike McCarthy, instead of that crap show where he temporarily had Tom Clemens call plays so he could focus more on overall game management – which ended up being worse than his play calling! At the very least we would not have to always rely on thought-provoking, tasteful blogs such as this to make our opinion known! Murphy would be voted out NOW! Alas, we can only dream of such things. Imagine… Badger Underground would get behind Coach, for President! No doubt a key facet of his platform, after having Gutey bring in a wise game manager of his choosing who is also an unpredictable sideline tactician, and holding Gutey accountable for top-to-bottom gridiron talent, would be to copy the intriguing eye candy aspects made popular by some of Bilbao Athletic’s BIGGEST fans! We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Coaches’ Rant about Local Radio Coach has is getting sick and tired of local radio hacks debating whether or not “true Packer fans” will watch the last few games (see also, teenager producing Bill Michaels show). Of course you go to all the games, and if you can’t get there, you watch the games. There is no debate. Being a Packer Fan is a unique privilege, one afforded to only a minority of sports fans. The franchise with the most championships in the NFL is very special and a treasure to its faithful. Being a fan is not about building your stupid, non-existent, fantasy football team, it’s about supporting the Packers through thick and thin. It’s about learning enough about the game to know when the coach is doing the right thing or needs to be fired (3 years ago), or knowing to not cheer when the Packers are on offense. Coach watched every game in the 70’s and 80’s when winning was a sometime thing. Coach was at Lambeau for almost every game in the 80’s, when there was a huge controversy after the team was booed, once. Coach sat in the rain until the last tick on the clock on October 5, 1998 when Vikings rookie Randy Moss made his Monday Night Football debut at Lambeau Field and had five catches for 190 yards and two touchdowns and snapped the Packers home win record streak. If you want the right to complain about the team, you watch the games. If you want the right to criticize the coaches, you watch the games. If you want to call yourself a fan, you watch the games. In case you need a bit more help understanding if you are a Packer fan or not… You jump at the chance to shovel snow You've gotten free hot chocolate at a game Your den is decked out in Packer gear You put your newborn baby on the Packers season ticket list Your grandma crocheted you a green & gold hat You own the team Your junk drawer is filled with hand and foot warmers Your dog's name is Curly Or Lambeau, Vince, Fuzzy, Willie, or Reggie You own at least one foam cheese product You know who made the first Lambeau Leap (hint 25th anniversary this week) "Fall colors" means green and gold You cried when Favre played that game after his dad died ... then you hated him when he signed with the other guys ... and now you love him again The wounds are healing, and we haven't worn our "Brent who?" T-shirts in years You know people who talk about the Ice Bowl as if they were there You know people who actually were at the Ice Bowl You're not a Bears fan Except for Cutler, 4th best QB in Packers history You actually do hate your in-laws for being Bears fans You remember exactly where you were for every Packers playoff game, and what the score was Above all, whether or not you can watch the game, you read The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! every week during each Packers season. (Thanks for that.) I hope I see you at Lambeau on Sunday (look for me in the Leinie’s Lodge at halftime), but if you can’t get there I’m sure you’ll be watching… Sunday will be the 185th meeting of the Lions and Packers. It’s the longest continuous rivalry in the NFL (Packers and Bears did not meet in 1982 due to the NFL strike) with the Packers leading the series 100-71-7 and winning by an average score of 20.5 to 17.5. The last 7 games of this season have been tough for the Packers, but they have been a dumpster fire for the Lions. The Lions are almost -4 points over their last 7 games, while the Pack are +3½, with a net difference of about 7½ points. Guess what, the betting line on the game is Packers by 7½. Adding to the pile, the Packers are 5-1-1 at home with the Lions almost matching the Packers 2018 road futility at 2-5. Coach foresees a “Matt Flynn Special*” win this Sunday, with a reprise of the first meeting of the Portsmouth Spartans and the Green Bay Packer on November 2nd, 1930. Pack 47 Lions 13 * - Jan 1st, 2012, the Detroit Lions entered Lambeau Field with a great chance to put an end to their losing streak in Titletown against the Green Bay Packers. The Packers at 14-1 had nothing to lose or gain and decided to put Aaron Rodgers on the shelf to eliminate the possibility of an injury. Vegas to make the Lions a 6.5-point favorite and Matt Flynn responded: 31-44, 480 yards and 6 touchdowns. (ha ha) JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Well, it’s been 100 years for the Green Bay Packers. Pretty amazing for a small mid-western city of 100,000 overweight alcoholics (takes one to know one). So, in our final episode of The Show!!! in this 100th season, Coach felt compelled to research players from the 1919 picture of the inaugural Packers team. I noticed something unusual about the guy circled below, who was perhaps the most unique receiver in Packers history. Gus Rosenow, an original Packer and never-to-be-forgotten Green Bay wonder… On Sunday, November 28, 1920, the Green Bay Packers were at the end of the schedule, facing the Lapham Athletic Club of Milwaukee. The 26-0 Packers victory that day wrapped up a 9-1-1 regular season, the Packers’ second as an independent team under captain Curly Lambeau’s guidance, organization, and stellar play. One of Green Bay’s scores that day, against Lapham’s valiant but ultimately overmatched defense, came via a 30-yard touchdown pass. In those days this was quite a feat. Lambeau’s eye towards an aerial offensive attack was formed during his collegiate years playing for Notre Dame and coach Knute Rockne. But in 1920, the Packers were just beginning to start the forward-thinking revolution. Johnny “Blood” McNally was nearly a decade away from furthering Green Bay’s advanced use of passing. Don Hutson didn’t debut for the Packers until 1935. In their second season as a team, the Packers didn’t have someone to make the sort of plays as often as Hutson or McNally would later.
But on November 28, 1920, a lanky backfielder made a “flying catch of the oval” – as it was described in the next day’s issue of the Press-Gazette – for a 30-yard touchdown. …and he made it like Gus Rosenow made all of his catches as a member of the original Packers teams: One-handed. Despite the ignorant notion that somehow Odell Beckham, Jr. made the one-handed grab ubiquitous in the NFL, Packers history is scattered with one-handed grabs by receivers. Max McGee’s reaching-back, hungover snare and gallop for a touchdown in Super Bowl I. Randall Cobb’s one-handed over-the-shoulder catch in the end zone against the Bears in 2014 on Sunday Night Football. Dvante Adams pulling in some out-of-reach missile in the corner of the end zone. There are thousands of examples, all in some way shocking as it happens. Grabs with one hand are always memorable in the moment. They all draw the same instant reaction: Was that one-handed? Did he actually catch that? The degree of difficulty is high. We respond accordingly when it happens. Gus Rosenow’s one-handed catches were different, though. Rosenow made them with the only hand he had. There actually is no photographic evidence that Rosenow had only one hand. In the photo above, his torso is visible and his arms are crossed. Only one hand can be seen, though that’s hardly concrete proof that Rosenow was a one-handed pass-catcher. Still, Coach thinks Rosenow is missing much of his left forearm based on deductive reasoning using text from articles of yore... Reviewing oodles of microfiche from the Green Bay Press-Gazette, Gustav Adolph Rosenow – called “Rosie” with the Packers, was born in 1892. He probably grew up in Menasha and definitely went to the University of Wisconsin. Shortly after college he started as a teacher and was one of the football coaches at Green Bay West High School in 1919. Noteworthy to me, on September 5, 1919 a report from GB West’s first practice sits next to a write-up on the Packers’ second workout. The Packers, according to the Press-Gazette, were being coached by West head man Bill Ryan, and captained by Lambeau. (OK, here’s Coach’s ‘That’s freaky!’ moment... I actually used to work with Gus Rosenow’s great grandson “Ryan” at a now-failing paper company in the Fox Valley.) Then, in the Saturday, September 13 edition of the paper – a day before Green Bay’s first game against Menominee – “Rosenow” is listed under the “FB” position in the lineup. Back in 1919, the Iron Ore newspaper, which at the time covered the Twin City football team of Ishpeming-Negaunee, Michigan, documented that on October 19, 1919, the Packers went up to Ishpeming to face an undefeated Twin City team. The Iron Ore’s account says Green Bay’s speed and depth overwhelmed the home team in a 33-0 Packers win. Then, in the second-to-last paragraph of the write-up, this: “Lambeau, the Green Bay captain, played a star game. He is a former Notre Dame fullback and displays the result of expert coaching. Rosenow, a one-armed player who entered the game in the last half, showed cleverness at dodging. He also did the kicking during the time he was in the game.” Was he one-handed or one-armed? Was this article out of its mind? Was it some weird, dated figure of speech? It isn’t all that clear, but it was noteworthy that this disappointed Iron Ore account of the Packers’ sixth game of 1919 bothered to call out a guy named Rosenow because he was good and only used one hand. Fast-forwarding to a preview of the 1961 NFL Championship between the Packers and New York Giants, famed sportswriter Red Smith mentions the 1919 outfit… Rosenow is, Smith writes, “among the hometown mob that Curly Lambeau recruited for the Packers’ first season.” Smith continues with this aside, writing, “Rosenow, the coach at West High, was a one-handed end and a remarkable pass receiver.” How did he know this? In a regularly-appearing Press-Gazette sports column called “Looking Em Over” in 1919, writer Val Schneider would run through various talking points in a bullet point sort of style. It was, oftentimes, something like a late night talk show host’s monologue, in written form. In one of his spaces, Schneider writes: “Many spectators who have witnessed the football games in which the Packers have participated marvel at the playing of Gustav Rosenow, half back. “Rosie,” as he is familiarly called has but one hand, but his does not seem to handicap him at all. He is able to spear forward passes with the best of pass receivers, is a good open field runner and line smasher. His greatest asset, however, one connected with his backfield duties, is giving interference. Rosenow is a past master in the art of blocking and spills the opposition with due regularity. When he goes for a man he always gets him.” In 1919 Rosie scored twice against Chicago on November 9. Even back then, Chicago sucked. The Packers only loss that year was to the Beloit Fairies (not that there’s anything wrong with it). After a winter coaching basketball at West High, Gus returned to the Packers in 1920, injuring himself in the October 3 game against the Kaukauna American Legion. The following week he was listed in the paper’s injury report on October 7: “The lanky backfielder’s knee got a bad twisting in last Sunday’s game.” Rosenow played the following Sunday versus the Stambaugh Miners. The contest was played in terrible conditions, the Press-Gazette calling the pouring rain the “the worst gridiron day in the history of the game here.” Water rose up to player’s ankles, everyone so caked in mud it was difficult to tell the two sides apart. In this game, a 3-0 Packers win, Rosenow caught the only completion for either side: A 15-yard catch in the third quarter. He caught a 20-yard pass from Lambeau the next week against the Marinette Professionals and ran in a touchdown three plays later. Green Bay won 25-0. Rosenow made a “nifty” 30-yard grab on Beloit in a 7-0 Packers victory on October 31. Rosenow was listed in the lineup for the November 7 contest against the Milwaukee All-Stars, and in the following week’s 14-3 loss to the Beloit Fairies. (A quick word on Beloit: During these first two seasons the Fairies were arguably Green Bay’s fiercest rival. Beloit upset the 1919 Packers in the last game of the season on November 23. The 6-0 contest nearly caused riots due to dubious officiating – and no doubt, gambling money lost. The referee, allegedly using an outdated rulebook from 1918, according to the Janesville Daily Gazette, called an offsides penalty on Green Bay, wiping the tying touchdown off the board. A December rematch was set for $5,000, the Janesville Daily Gazette notes, but was later cancelled by Beloit’s manager due to unseasonably cold weather. In any event, Beloit served up both of Green Bay’s only losses in 1919 and 1920. There was bad blood here.) Previewing the Packers next game against Menominee after the 14-3 Beloit loss, the Eau Claire Leader wrote about Green Bay leaving the defeat an injured, beaten up team. Lambeau was hurt. And, as the Leader puts it, “Rosenow, another back, was pretty much used up at Beloit.” Rosie wasn’t in the lineup against Menominee. Or the next, against Stambaugh, on November 25. He returned Sunday, November 28, 1920, where he made the “flying catch of the oval” for his 30-yard touchdown against the Lapham Athletic Club of Milwaukee. The Packers won. And Rosenow’s career with the team was effectively done. So, as we bid farewell to the 2018 season, we salute you, Gus “Rosie” Rosenow from Menasha and player on the inaugural Packers team 100 years ago, who caught passes with the only hand he had. I wonder what picture will grab the intrigue of Coach’s great, great grandson 100 years from now when he researches the 2018 season? HO! HO! HO! Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Before we dive deep into the football scrum, congratulations go out to the winner of last week’s contest, Alan Stanwyck of Manawa, for his 1st prize entry of “Best cameo appearance in a movie.” Some of the better entries (receiving honorable mention) include: TJ Lang, David Bakhtiari, Don Barclay and Josh Sitton with Clay Matthews III in “Pitch Perfect 2” All good entries, and thanks to all 43 of you who submitted them! OK, and now, to Alan’s winning entry... Bret Michaels, being hit by a double-decker bus and still keeps playing his guitar in “Sharknado 5!” For his winning entry, Alan receives two gently used Blu-ray discs of the movies Fletch and Fletch Lives, plus a miniature replica NFL “The Duke” football signed by former Packers receiver and special teams ace, Brandon Bostick. Good on you, Alan! And now, back to our regularly scheduled football programming… Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme These clips summarize the game: Rodgers thinks about lateraling to Linsley while getting sacked, he probably should have, Linsley is a decent athlete. I wish Hicks played for us, he’s been dominating the Pack for 2 years. Rodgers streak is over. He has a new record. So what? The pass was behind Graham, AR has been off all year. Rodgers was 25 of 42 passing for 274 yards, 0 TD’s, 1 INT and a passer rating of 68.9. For the year he has 23 TD’s and 2 INT’s and a rating of 97.2, well below his career average of 103.1…. mainly because he has missed or thrown away so many passes this year. Fire Rodgers, fire everybody. Close Lambeau. Fold the franchise. In Chicago we hung around for a bit, but in the end, we couldn’t get out of our own way. There is nothing good about losing to the Bears, and it only adds insult to injury that they clinched a playoff spot and knocked us out of the playoffs with the loss. For the year in total it doesn’t look good, either. Much like every week this year. We are firmly ensconced in mediocrity. Packer Highlights from the Game: Jamal Williams had his best run of the year for a TD. A guy called Fadol Brown was key on stuffing the Bears fake punt. A guy called Fadol Brown was key on stuffing the Bears Wildcat and causing a fumble. A guy called Fadol (fuh-DOLL) Brown, No. 98, was claimed off waivers from the Oakland Raiders on Dec. 5. Brown (6-4, 282), a first-year player out of the University of Mississippi, was originally signed as an undrafted rookie free agent by the Oakland Raiders in 2017. He played in eight games for Oakland this season, recording 17 tackles (14 solo) and one pass defended. Think about that for 3 nano-seconds…one of our best defensive players in the Bears game was cut by the worst team in the league, who also just so happens to have given up the most points this year…. Why did we lose? Well, equal parts Offense and Defense. We did nothing on Offense (17 points and only one TD is nothing) and our band of boys on Defense can’t tackle. Eddy Pleasant demonstrates his sack technique Eddy Pleasant demonstrates his tackling technique Josh Jones decides it is too much work to put a hand on Cohen. So where are we now? Yup. We are picking at No. 11 right now, with a decent shot of getting into the Top 10. Unlikely that we will make Top 5. And, if we lose in the Meadowlands against the Jets, we will go 0-8 on the road for the Season. Eight road losses has never been done by any Packers team, and we haven’t lost all of our away games since 1958, 60-years ago, the year before Lombardi showed up. Let’s look at the 2018 NFC Central Standings after last weekend’s games. We are firmly placed in the middle. Two games behind the Queens and a half-game ahead of the Lions and Popsicle Suits. Doesn’t that seem familiar? Let’s jump in the DeLorean and set the clock to 1991. In 1991 we were in the last year of the Lindy Infante debacle and finished with a 4-12 record. The Bears? Well, in game 14 they beat us 27-13, which put them at 10 Wins and 4 Losses. The Bears went 11-5, probably where they will be this year. We need to finish the house cleaning. We have no talent on the roster, and we have no talent on the roster because our Lawyer In Chief, Mark Murphy, fired Ted Thompson 3-years too late and then gave himself control over football operations – where he has no place sticking his nose (this power grab for control of Packers football decisions by someone who thinks he is qualified – but really isn’t, is what Coach refers to as “Murphy’s Law” and I suspect it will someday become a common term used metaphorically for something going dreadfully wrong despite the best of intentions of an egomaniac, but we’ll just have to wait and see on that) … which was the exact same predicament that mired the Packers in mediocrity through the 70’s and 80’s until that same structure was abolished by Packers President and all-around nice guy, Bob Harlan, when he gave all of that control over football operations to Ron Wolf, who hired Mike Holmgren to replace Infante, traded for Brett Favre, and signed Reggie White. Fire Murphy. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Demovsky To Rodgers: Fire Danica! CHICAGO—Blaming numerous missed passes to wide open receivers on quarterback Aaron Rodgers “Yanking his groin” during a Hail Mary pass right before halftime, ESPN so-called reporter and opinionated gridiron sage, Rob Demovsky, insinuated Sunday night from Soldiers Fields that Danica Patrick wasn’t doing HER job and needs to give Rodgers a performance that makes the virile quarterback forget about his talented former leading lady, Olivia Munn. “He’s obviously frustrated with newbie training this year, feeling things out all over again, getting the timing right … and that finally culminated in him getting, well, a little over-anxious when going long and, yeah, he unloaded too soon. Hey, it happens. When you lack that gifted receiver who you can count on to reliably get it from any angle … to not be shy about going down the middle, or take it up the seam, well … who wouldn’t feel like a change is needed? He’ll never say it, but Danica has got to go.” Rodgers was less forward during his post-game press conference, simply stating “Sure, there’s things that could be done better, including by myself. Nobody’s perfect, I don’t expect perfection, but I think some more film study would maybe help. I mean, I’ve suggested that, but…whatever.” Demovsky first broke the story that Rodgers has been entrenched with a debilitating case of pink eye that's affected the quarterback's accuracy since Week 3 after going "down there" when an unexpected queef arrived like a glaucoma test. Since then, the reporter has continued to assert similarly baseless rumors and innuendo like a jealous beeyoch, presumably to mar the reputation of the female former race car driver and Go Daddy! sell out. When Demovsky was approached yesterday and asked if he’s changed his mind at all regarding Rodgers’ love interest’s negative performance affecting the QB’s, he boasted “All I can say is, if Rodgers doesn’t finally get a proper workout this week, the Packers might not even make the playoffs this year!” and then appeared to follow that statement with a rapid murmur that most sound technicians agree was the plea “Call me, Aaron.” Fox NFL Sunday Looking To Boost Ratings With ‘Star Wars’ Theme LOS ANGELES — In an effort to generate more enthusiasm amongst football fans across the country as more and more of them are faced with the reality that their team will not be in the playoffs, Fox executives announced Tuesday that they would dress their football pre-game show celebrities in authentic Star Wars attire throughout each show for the remainder of this season. “Our worst fears have been realized now that it appears two teams from Los Angeles will be in the playoffs, which means nearly 20% of playoff teams — plus 2/3 of the other teams in the league who are on the outside looking in, have no fan base to continue watching the sport or our pre-game “analytainment” said Fox Sports media spokesman Wilton Koch. “We know it will be tough – especially as the season draws to an end, to draw the size of audience that we promised our sponsors, so we’re trying to make things a little more fun, especially for younger viewers we might be able to attract. I really liked the suggestion from our smoking hot intern, Alyssa, to place a Luke Skywalker bobblehead in front of Curt Menefee.” Koch later hinted that other tweaks to the show might include replacing the iconic Fox NFL intro music with “The Imperial March” and having Jimmy Johnson do impressions of Yoda breaking down film. McCarthy’s Lack Of Brain Activity During Games Attributed To Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak WASHINGTON, D.C. — Investigating a wrongful dismissal claim on behalf of former Packers head coach, Mike McCarthy, investigators from the Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) released their report Monday that revealed an undetected carbon monoxide leak from a portable heater on the Packers sidelines affected the coach’s decision making (or lack thereof) during each game. “Our investigation found that a lack of focus, weariness, and general disinclination to perform his job at a level above that considered mildly-retarded was most likely a sign of him breathing in colorless, odorless, noxious fumes” said lead investigator Adam Surfas, asserting that McCarthy’s complete lack of competence during games was because he was being slowly poisoned. “The buildup of gas can be slow, as carbon monoxide is slightly lighter than air, so it may go unnoticed the entire first quarter. But make no mistake, each time he removed Aaron Jones from the field early in games amidst another unstoppable performance by the running back, the carbon monoxide was already affecting his cognitive ability. If games were 4-hours long, he might have died. Surfas subsequently suggested that McCarthy should have been removed from the sidelines at the very first sign of his ineptitude. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Chicago Squirrels Find Nut GARY, IN—Apparently it’s a down year for the NFC North and at least 8 years have gone by since the Bears had the best record in the division. Of course, the last time that happened, the Packers won the Super Bowl. Alas, the Packers have no players left on their roster from their draft 3 years ago (in the year they are supposed to have their biggest impact), and only a couple others are still on the roster from Ted’s drafts since then (reference speculation regarding Thompson’s rapidly declining mental health), plus the Packers had to start 5 rookies this year. According to former Packers Defensive End and Super Bowl champion, Sean Jones, an NFL team should expect to lose 3 games for every rookie they start. From that standpoint, the Packers did ok. What is most unsettling, though, is that the Bears actually won 1 of the 2 games against the Packers this year, albeit after McCarthy was already fired and with 4 experienced starters out of the game due to injury (plus the starting running back was lost to injury in the 1st quarter). All that said, the Bears were lucky to win. If it wasn’t for Rodgers inexplicably missing two wide open touchdown passes on separate drives, the Packers would have trounced the Bears again. It is laughable and sad that sports-talk show hacks like Jim Rome (Click on Link) make outrageous overstatements like “watch out for the Bears in the playoffs” … yeah, right … that guy is dumber than Stephen A. Smith! (Click on Link) The Bears will be 1-and-done unless they are fortunate enough to host the other shitfuk team from the North, Minnesota. Even the lowly Vikings could pound the Bears, though, before being pummeled by…anyone. So, congrats, FIB’s, enjoy your 15-minutes of fame, and then prepare to scrape the bottom of the North for another 8 years as your team’s executives fight over who deserves credit the most for winning the division in 2018, and how they can save money by playing hardball with players’ contracts, etc. etc. See you again in 2026 or so, you douche bags. Disgusting Trubisky Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom CHICAGO — Appalled by a blatant lack of hygiene by the so-called leader of their offense, Chicago Bears players were reportedly horrified Wednesday that their disgusting quarterback Mitchell Trubisky had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the locker room lavatory. “That’s so gross — I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said rookie linebacker Roquan Smith, noting that Trubisky had done little more than sprinkle some lukewarm water on his ass and dry off his cheeks with a paper towel before joining a mandatory team meeting. “It’s so unsanitary. He didn’t use soap at all, and I also got the sense that if I hadn’t been in the bathroom at the same time as him, he wouldn’t have cleaned his ass at all.” Smith added that he would be sure to use plenty of Purell on his own ass if he came into contact with Trubisky. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground At this time of year, the Badger Underground would like to remind you that it’s not the gift that counts, but it's who you’re with that really matters… It’s the thought that counts. Merry Christmas! YOU’LL NEVER SETTLE FOR A BORING, WOOD-SCENTED FIRE AGAIN ADVERTISEMENT-For more than a million years, mankind has been attempting to improve upon the simple fire. We’ve tried burning different things like sticks or leaves or various incriminating documents. We’ve tried making fires last longer. We’ve even figured out how to turn them into different colors. All of that experimentation, all of that innovation, well, it was stupid. But now it has culminated into this amazing product: Coach’s Lambeau-scented FIRELOG! Made with partially recycled materials and imbued with the unmistakable, mouth-watering aroma of Johnsonville’s secret brat recipe, and special Kingsford briquette aroma (plus a hint of stale Busch Light), the Coach’s FIRELOG finally puts to rest the age-old dilemma, “How can I make this fire a hundred bajillion times better?” This one-of-a-kind FIRELOG is the result of countless hours of research and development since we had this idea tailgating at the Bills game. Pick up Coach’s FIRELOG today -- it's a GREAT STOCKING-STUFFER! (wink wink, nudge nudge) ... and you’ll be wondering how you were ever able to enjoy a fire that didn’t smell like the Lambeau Field parking lot. Quantity: One (1) 5-Lb Coach’s FIRELOG. Limit (1) per Customer, limited quantity while supplies last. .
SOLD OUT Hey, it's better than Coach's last invention... We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game The Jets lead the all-time series 8 wins to 4 by an average score of 18.8 to 17.3… But, we are on a 2-game winning streak – in 2010 we beat them 9-0 in the Meadowlands and in 2014 we beat them 31-24 at Lambeau. That last one at Lambeau was a fun game. We got down 14-0 early and then mounted a big comeback. Tramon was on our team then, yes, same guy who is on our team now, and he had a big pick on Geno Smith! Jordy was on our team then, yes, same guy who is not on our team now and is playing better in Oakland than Jimmy Graham is with us, he had a big TD! We got up 31-24 and it looked like the Jets tied the game late, likely pushing the game to OT….but wait! Marty Mornhingweg, he of Lions fame, Called Timeout! No TD, no OT, Pack wins. Coach’s favorite part? Marty M was not the head coach, it was big mouth Rex Ryan! Heading into this weekend, Rodgers is legitimately dinged up enough to sit out of the game (maybe even sit on IR for the balance of the season). There are two arguments for him to play:
A counter argument is that the Packers have allowed the fourth-most sacks in the NFL with 46, so it should be no problem for the Jets pass rush to build on a strong Week 15 performance. New York sacked the shifty Deshaun Watson a season-high six times this past week, including three from Henry Anderson and a sack from Jamal Adams. Another legitimate argument is that, if you want DeShone Kizer to be at-the-ready to play well enough to win at least half of the games he starts next year if/when Rodgers goes down for a coupletree weeks with a bad knee or collarbone, then he will need live experience with teammates against 1st stringers (and coaches will need tape of it) to get him to be a very successful backup for a Super Bowl team. Rodgers vs. Darnold is an intriguing matchup, but here’s why I’m betting the Packers will sit Rodgers for the final two games of the season and it’ll be the DeShone Kizer show… Rodgers has said he expects to and wants to play the final two games of the season, but the Jets have already gone from 3.5-point underdogs to 1.5-point Vegas favorites this week, with only 44% of the money on the Pack. The new line is more-or-less the same as the historical stats. If you look at the 2018 season away games for the Pack, and the 2018 home games for the Jets, the Pack would be a 1-point favorite. Sit an “injured” Rodgers and insert Hundley Kizer and you can see why the Jets are favored. Mason Crosby continues to shine now that he’s gotten McCarthy fired, DeShone shows what absorbing a whole season of professional quarterbacking from the sidelines can do for a talented 21-year old, and the Packers drop another draft spot in an East Coast squeaker: Pack 24 Jets 23 JB– Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them With the decline in Aaron Rodgers’ play this year (well, the last 3 years actually), common sentiment around the league is that he is NOT the Greatest Of All Time; rather, Tom Brady is. Hard to argue that point as of late…but it got Coach thinking…Who is the Greatest Packers QB Of All Time? Well, if you base it on lifetime quarterback rating, Rodgers would be the best. However, Brett Favre had the most Packers wins – which is a huge consideration, but alas he “only” won one championship and lost another (plus he lost a bunch of NFC title games); so, although he was a very durable and excellent quarterback, he is by many accounts not the greatest Packers QB ever. If you base that title on number of Titles, then Bart Starr is hands-down the best Packers passer ever – with five (same as Brady). However, football is a TEAM sport, and what if the GOAT Packers QB was unfortunate enough to be surrounded by inferior talent? Well, it turns out that guy never got to compete in a playoff game for the Packers, but he did achieve the highest non-playoff win percentage of any QB in Green Bay Packers history – a whopping 0.667 … Coach presents to you the Greatest Packers QB Of All Time: Alan Risher! Starr’s winning percentage over the most successful 8 years of his career from 1960 - 1967 was a remarkable 0.738, but over the entire span of his quarterbacking in Green Bay it was a less impressive 0.513. Equally uninspiring (compared to Risher's 0.667) are Rodgers’ 0.631 and Favre’s 0.618 win rates.
So how did such a dominant weapon like Alan Risher pave his way into Green Bay? Well, after his collegiate days at LSU, like many of the top-tier talented football players of that genre (Reggie White, Hershel Walker, Jim Kelly, Harry Sydney), Risher bolted for the USFL. Drafted in 1983 by the Arizona Wranglers, Risher was the starting quarterback for them for most of the league's initial 1983 season. That year he directed what is widely acknowledged as the greatest upset in USFL history against the league's title favorite, the Chicago Blitz (yes, the Blitz still sucked, too). NFL veteran head coach George Allen had stocked his Blitz team with NFL vets and CFL all-stars. Most media experts saw the Blitz as "NFL caliber" and thought the team would dominate the league. Some even questioned whether the Blitz would lose a game after seeing the team destroy the Craig James-led Washington Federals in week one, 28-7. The Wranglers, on the flipside, were assumed to be the league's worst team. For three quarters, the matchup between the Blitz and Wranglers played to expectations. With 11:23 left in the fourth quarter Blitz quarterback, longtime NFL vet Greg Landry, hit TE Paul Ricker with a 15-yard TD pass to put the Blitz up 29-12. After the ensuing kickoff, Risher brought his team to life. He drove his team 85 yards down the field hitting FSU Rookie WR Jackie Flowers on a 10-yard TD pass. The team successfully went for two (couldn't do that in the NFL back then), when Risher connected with University of Arizona Rookie TE Mark Keel, cutting the lead to 29-20. The Wrangler defense stiffened up and stopped the Blitz on the next series, forcing a punt. After a short punt, Risher started on the Blitz 45-yard line and quickly took the team in for another score, this one a 9-yard pass to BYU rookie WR Neil Balholm. The kick was good and with 2:48 left in the game, the score was 29-27 Chicago. The Wranglers' Defense came up with another stop and after another punt, Risher and the offense had the ball on the Arizona 42 with 1:06 to play. Risher guided the team into field goal range and with one second left Wranglers kicker Jim Asmus kicked through the game winner! The Wranglers improbable 30-29 come from behind victory over Chicago is considered by most to be the biggest upset in league history and one of that league's most important moments. The outcome of the game gave viability to the other teams in the league early in the season and told football fans that there was nothing inevitable about any USFL game's outcome. It also opened the eyes of many NFL GM’s to Risher’s talent. Fueled by their comeback win, the young Wranglers flourished. Risher started the next 4 games and led the team to a 3-3 record putting the team in a 4-way tie for the Pacific Division lead. Risher struggled in week 7 in an ugly 44-23 loss to the potent Johnnie Walton-led Boston Breakers. Risher came back the following week, though, throwing three touchdowns and playing an error free game, leading the Wranglers back into a tie for first in the division with a 24-3 victory over their Division rivals, the Denver Gold. Risher, Keel, Balholm, and Flowers would all end the season among the league leaders, but the overall team was legitimately among the youngest and least talented in the league – which was an extremely familiar situation for Packers executives at that time. Talent and depth shortfalls, the "Arizona heat", the young team collectively hitting a "rookie wall", and bad coaching are the primary factors credited with a late-season collapse of the 1983 Wranglers. Despite the team's finish, Risher would finish the season as the league's 6th ranked quarterback in 1983. After that season, the coach of the Wranglers was fired, and Chicago Blitz owner, Dr. Ted Diethrich, bought the team and switched rosters! …with the exception of Risher, who stayed in Arizona and was part of the 1984 Western Conference Champion Arizona Wranglers! From there, it was on to the NFL... Risher was a member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1985 and 1986, but then started for the Green Bay Packers' talent-less strike team in 1987, posting a meager QB rating of 80.0, but leading the team to an impressive 2-1 record! Don’t remember that? Well, it was a REALLY long time ago. In fact, it was so long ago that, two years prior, the Bears actually won a Vince Lombardi Trophy. Of course, that was their one and only and, like I said, it was 33 some years ago. That is a really long time to suck year after year and be a habitual loser. They really suck. They're bad. The Bears, I mean. Suck. By the way, Tom Brady’s career winning percentage in the NFL is 0.768. Yeah, it's the best all-time. Then again, he does get to play the Dolphins, Bills and Jets twice each year. And his coach cheats. Just sayin. It’s still pretty good, though. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! OK you stocking stuffers, are you wondering what to get that little lady this holiday season? Look no further – Coach has her covered (or should I say, uncovered?). Some say the Christmas sweater is too blasé, or not thoughtful enough, or even racist (can you believe how far that shit has gone?). Well I say THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER IS AN AMERICAN STAPLE – and I’m not gonna sit here, and listen to a bunch of not job liberals bad mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen, I proudly present to you, the 2018 Ladies Christmas Sweater parade: Now go buy a Christmas sweater for your special gal. That’s right, I SAID IT! (and a scissors). Merry effin Christmas, America! A-hem…ok, back to football. Create A Seam Here – X’ & O’s about the game or a scheme Yeah, we won, Regis Philbin is now undefeated as Packers Head Coach! Awright! Go Joe, go! The game started off very inauspiciously, however, when “Let me be Frank” Hermans effed-up the National Anthem in a Larry McCarren jersey. His rendition was a perfect metaphor for the Packers Season! When he forgot the lyrics he just sang lah lah lah lah in the middle of the song! (There was an audible boo during the National Anthem…) After the game he said, “…right at the point where I messed up, a woman fell and a man fell on top of her and I think players were kneeling, too, and there was a frisbee dog — kind of threw me off my game.” Simply amazing. He explained that he was filling in for someone who couldn’t make it and he thanked the Packers for the opportunity and said “I will prepare better next time if asked.” Yup, perfect metaphor for the Pack & Prez Murphy this year. Ok, much like making his morning ablutions, Coach has the Murphy tirade out of his system for this week. After that unsettling start, Falcons took the opening kickoff and marched right down the field for an opening drive TD. While the drive was a kick in the backside, Coach was really, really excited that Philbin challenged two very, very bad calls. He lost both and was out of challenges with 1:32 off the game clock, only missing the NFL record by a few seconds. Coach gives up on what constitutes a catch (again). If you watch the end of this, you’ll see Orange Julius slap his hands because he’s frustrated that he dropped the ball. The replay guys apparently felt they didn’t have enough to overturn the very crappy original call. A few plays later and this crew gave Jones another catch that was clearly OB. So who is this Crew? Walt Coleman’s is most recognized for the 2001 AFC Divisional Playoffs — the Tuck Rule Game — Coleman reversed what would likely have been a game-sealing fumble recovery by the Raiders to an incomplete pass by the Patriots, at the foundation of the New England dynasty. He has not officiated a Raiders game in the 245 games he has worked since. Replay was once again a factor on Thanksgiving Day 2012, when Lions coach Jim Schwartz threw the challenge flag. Running back Justin Forsett was clearly down by contact, but replay was frozen out under the rules of the time because of the improper challenge, even though Walt’s Crew blew the call. These clowns went on to make a truly amazing number of bad calls and no-calls. The facemask “no-call” on Rodgers was really, really amazing. Coach could easily see that from row 53, and I am not joking on that. A while later Coach was again amazed at a no-call. The scramble by Rodgers below ended in him clearly going into a slide. While we went down a bit late, it’s also clear that the defender did not try to pull up. Although the call was blown, Coach is very proud of the O-Line who immediately ran downfield and explained the rules of football to the Dirty Birds. Coach doesn’t want to go too overboard on this, but it’s fantastic to see the guys actually playing football. If/when we play with this kind of passion next week, look out Bears. Ok, some more AR criticism is warranted, despite the win. There were several moments during the game where it looked like AR forgot that Fat Mike was fired. Coach will let you in on a secret, Crosby and Rodgers have been playing rock-paper-scissors all year to see who would throw the game each week to get McCarthy bounced. At the end of the 1st Quarter, Rodgers just has to go for it all. He’s trying to go for the kill shot and slightly underthrows a 60+ yard ball to Jimmy Graham while never looking at the wide-open No. 17 and No. 19. To add insult to injury, the former all-pro number 80 is greedy as well and doesn’t come back to the ball. If he comes back maybe we’re at the 5, but he wants the TD, so he reaches instead of moving back. Dumbass. Rodgers came into the game with a league leading one interception and 53 throwaways (next closest is in the low 30’s), and a shot at throwing the most pass completions ever without an INT. Congratulations to Aaron Rodgers! He got the record, but like all records it came with a little help. Anyway, enough with the doom-and-gloom Coach, we won! You bet Bobby, we did win. But things started looking better in the 1st Quarter when Ryan fumbled the ball! Hey, a takeaway!! Hey, we got another takeaway! A Pick-6!! Things are really looking up! With all the penalties and stoppages in play, Walt Coleman and crew made sure the game didn’t go smoothly, but when we were up 34-07 in the 4th Quarter it sure felt good. Keys to this one: - Philbin kept the game plan simple (BTW, Philbin scored better on headcoachranking.com in his Week 1 than Fat Mike did all year. To be fair, a hard and dusty white dog turd probably would have scored better than McCarthy.) - The plays came in quickly, we got to the line and snapped the ball before “0” on the play clock. - Aaron Jones got 20 touches, a buncha yards and a TD. This is a formula we can win with my son, we can win with this. Fokda Bears. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Former Coach Lies In State PITTSBURGH, PA – Last Wednesday was a National Football League day of mourning for the 13th head coach of the Green Bay Packers as Michael John McCarthy’s career was laid to rest at his local library in Pittsburgh. McCarthy was fired a week ago Sunday when he lost his brave battle with gameday incompetence that started in Seattle late 2014, but metastasized more and more each year until it finally culminated in a frail 3-hour scuffle on the first Sunday of December 2018 against a misplaced Cardinals team in frigid Green Bay. His body was flown to his home town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on Monday and was brought to City Hall where the former coach had lain in state in the Rotunda starting that night. Former coaches, NFL dignitaries and ordinary football fans paid their respects at a pep rally in McCarthy’s honor the following evening at the municipal senior center. Eulogies were later held at the University of Pittsburgh field house, where McCarthy once was a Tight Ends coach for the Panthers, before a large pickup truck hauled his massive body to the William Penn library overlooking the local Amish fields where farming families toil until their animals can no longer work amidst the stench of unbridled human body odor. In lieu of flowers, the family asked that monetary donations be sent to Packers season ticket holders – the real victims in all of this mess, for having to pay through the nose only to be forced to watch stupidity personified on the sidelines over the past four years. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Leaked Sex Tape Shows Buddhist Master Having Drug-Fueled Gay Orgy with Bears Fans at Hallas Hall CHICAGO–Videos of a Buddhist monk having drug-fueled gay sex parties at Hallas Hall have been leaked. Buddhist master Ree-le Hung, once an aspiring figure in the Far East’s religious world, is seen saying “do you want more” and “I love my Bears husband” in an incoherent manner in a tape clip released by local news outlets on Monday. While two other clips show the monk, reported to be 29 years old, taking drugs and having sex with different men wearing nothing but Bears helmets and turf cleats. Officers reportedly found 19 grams of amphetamine tablets in Hung's orange robe as well as Viagra and condoms. They also discovered that Hung had replaced the holy water in his travel bottle with anal lubricant. Bears owner Virginia Hallas-McCaskey claimed Friday to be “disappointed” to learn that visitors to Hallas Hall were engaging in drug use and gay sex with a Buddhist monk. Although this is the third such occurrence since the start of training camp, the team’s matriarch seemed to shrug off the headline-grabbing bombshell as no big deal and refused to comment if the perplexing drug-laden carnal free-for-all was sponsored on the down-low by her son and Bears Chairman of the Board, George H. McCaskey. Legendary Rock Band KISS Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds of Human Feces Onto Same Tour Boat CHICAGO – Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives from KISS apologized Wednesday after their tour bus accidentally dumped 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise that it did some 14 years ago. “On behalf of Gene, Paul, Peter and myself, I just want to say how sorry we all are for any emotional harm we might have caused the victims by once again unloading half a ton of our band’s excrement onto their cruise boat tour,” said lead guitarist Ace Frehley, noting that while band members knew they were playing with fire when they decided to unload their septic tank into the Chicago River, none had expected the exact same tour boat would be traveling beneath the Kinzie Street Bridge at the exact moment the foul-smelling torrent of feces hit the water. “Now, some might argue that, after a tour boat already got caught once in cascading slurry of fecal matter, these people would have been wiser to choose some different type of Chicago tour, like the Sears tower, or at least a different boat. That said, the blame falls squarely on us. We thought we learned from the unfortunate accident the last time it happened, but clearly we didn’t learn enough.” At press time, band icon Gene Simmons had purportedly offered to provide free lifetime concert tickets to the tour-boat captain if this somehow happened a third time. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Wisconsin's tailback Jonathan Taylor won the Doak Walker award this past week, which recognizes recipients as the best running back in college football. Taylor is the 4th Badger to win this award, behind Ron Dayne, Monte Ball, and Melvin Gordon III. We are so happy for him. We hope he comes back next year and that the QB does not suck so much. We also hope the defense is better. Go Badgers. Yummie Down On This! MADISON, WI—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the eff up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Wisconsin dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live minnows. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live minnows per weekend from any local bait shop significantly reduces the risk of being a complete gash,” said Sigma Chi rush chair and dietary researcher Brady Nielssen as he leaned against a large aquarium tank filled with wapatuli, adding that this was something everyone else had to do if they wanted in, so you should just quit acting like such a bitch and open your goddamn whiny mouth. “Live fish is rich in essential shut up and fricking do it, and an excellent source of walk your pussy ass over to Delta if you’re not going to swallow it, you wuss. In a longitudinal study of three previous pledge classes, 100 percent of freshman survived aside from some guy from Peoria, and anyway that was totally an accident, so seriously, just effin eat it already so we can buzz the strippers in.” At press time, Nielssen confirmed that those not swallowing live minnows when they were told to were several times more likely to suffer a major beatdown. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game Let’s get the Playoffs discussion out of the way right now…the scary part? If we win out our odds go up to about 1 in 3 of making it into the Dance. But lose to the Bears and we have essentially the Cube Root (0) chance of making it. So forget about all of that, let’s focus on kicking ass in Chicago. This is the 198th meeting of Packers and the Bears, a series that started in 1920 in has only been interrupted by the Big One, WWII. The Packers lead the series (of course) 97-94-6 and have outscored the Bears 3,417 to 3,384 for an average score of 17.3 to 17.2. This one is going to be very tough, and plenty of pundits want to anoint the Bears king this year, but not Coach. The Bears Offense, led by Mit Türdbisquit, sucks, and our Defense has been rounding into form the last several games. Da Bears are going to try to run and pass to Tarik Cohen, but he will be down now that Hanukkah is over, and they are ranked 30th in giveaways at 2.3/gm over the last 3 games. We should have little trouble holding them to only a couple of scores. Both teams are very close in basically all Special Teams rankings and are identical at penalties per game at 5.7 over the last three games. This one is going to boil down to the Packers Offense vs. the Bears Defense; it’s going to rest on Regis & Rogers vs. Fangio & Mack. The Packers are actually tied for 2nd overall in giveaways with only one over the last three games and the Bears have been living on turnovers, so continuing ball security is going to be critical. Besides, I think we’ve already cut everyone who has fumbled (except Rodgers, of course). If there is one match-up to watch, it’s the Right Side of the Packer’s O-Line vs. the Left Side of the Bears Front-7. The focus will be on All-Pros Akeem Hicks and Kahlil Mack vs. So-So-Pros Justin McCray and Jason Spriggs. A Division game, late in the Season, with big stakes on the line for both teams who really hate each other? It should be an absolute slug fest and a low scoring game. Big games like this one always seem to turn on just a couple of key plays during the game. A turnover, a blocked kick, a TD return. Oh yeah, babeee! Coach harkens back in the memory banks to September 7th, 1980 for forecasting this Sunday’s Tilt in the Confines of Chicago Park Service’s Toilet-Bowl-Shaped-Space-Ship-Looking-Stadium-With-Shitty-Turf. Suffice to say that Mason “Chester Marcol” Crosby will channel his inner Polish-Prince, and will score the winning points on the TD-advance of a blocked FG, late in the 4th Qtr. Effin-A, boys, effin-A. Pack 12 Bears 6 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them You might have heard that Titans running back, Derrick Henry, ran the ball 99-yards for a touchdown on a play against the Jaguars last week, tying the all-time record set by Tony Dorsett for the longest run from scrimmage. That got Coach thinking… wasn’t the longest pass play also 99-yards? Why yes, Coach, it was! Oh, thanks, Coach! You’re welcome, Coach. Who caught that ball? None other than this week’s hero, Robert Brooks, in 1995 against the Chicago Bears, on a 3rd-and-10 at the 1-yard line, from Brett Favre. By the way, that same year was the Jaguars 1st season in the NFL, and the Tennessee Titans were the Houston Oilers. Robert Brooks was selected by Ron Wolf in the 3rd Round of the 1992 draft out of the University of South Carolina (same school as Sterling Sharpe, who was born in Chicago – which explains why he was such a dick). Brooks led the NFL in kickoff returns in 1993 with a 26.6-yard average. He came into his own in 1995 following a career-ending injury to Sharpe, who was ironically forced to resort to taking a job in the media, even though he despised and mocked sports reporters in Green Bay (he was a major @$$hole, and karma is a bitch). Unfortunately, Brooks suffered a torn ACL in week 7 of the 1996 season against the San Francisco 49ers, missed the remainder of the season, and was unable to play in Super Bowl XXXI against New England. He vowed to return the next season, and in 1997 he won the NFL Comeback Player of the Year award on the way to Super Bowl XXXII (Coach forgets what happened in that game). Brooks later developed back problems due to the knee injury, as he was forced to change his running mechanics, and ultimately had to retire from the NFL too soon. But that didn’t stop Robert Brooks from launching a successful career outside of football … oh, no! Robert (or “Bob” as he was known back home) Brooks moved back to South Carolina and partnered up with some childhood friends who were investing in the Hooters Bar & Breastaurant franchises. He expanded Hooters operations and branched out into other merchandising venues, including clothing, calendars, and even an airline! Yes, Robert “Bob” Brooks was the founder of Hooters Air (Click On Link), with Hooters girls on every flight. Freaking genius. The airline was wildly popular. The pilots purportedly loved it as much as the passengers. And by making Myrtle Beach, SC the main hub for Hooters Air, Bob Brooks turned that quaint, rarely visited coastal town into the wealthy, major tourist attraction that it remains today.
Although most of the fifteen destination cities were profitable, the heavily taxed routes from Myrtle Beach to Chicago proved financially burdensome for the upstart airline and it only lasted for 3 years (fricken FIB’s ruin everything!). So, in summary, Chicago and the Bears suck, Robert Brooks was a great Packers receiver, and Hooters chicks are awesome. Huh … I guess you already knew all that. Oh well, we salute you, Robert Brooks! …and now, howzabout we bookend this week's Show!!! with some HOOTERS CHICKS?!!!! (You’re welcome.) Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach was still recovering from the sniffles after deer camp, so he was on the fence about going to the game on Sunday. But with this weather report from Frankie MacDonald (Click on Link), playoff implications be damned – Coach was not leaving the house last weekend! I had my cell phones and laptops charged, extra blankets ready, and I drank lots of green tea, red tea, and white tea. If you are reading this, you obviously did the same and survived. The responsible thing for you single fellas to do is reproduce with as many single female survivors as you can, as fast as you can, and repopulate the gene pool to ensure our species endures. Thanks in advance. For you married fellas, here’s a tip that that you can feel free to use at home as you deem necessary… Coach recommends that you Google the way to block the Hallmark Channel and have a message that displays "THIS CHANNEL IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA." It’s an ideal solution to avoid the sights and sounds of the dozens of sappy, lame Christmas movies starring that chick who was “the fat one” on Full House in the late 80’s. I only wish I could have gotten this info out to you sooner. You’re welcome. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme So, apparently I missed a lot of stuff that only those present at Lambeau on Sunday can appreciate. For example… …a Pow-Wow at halftime, followed by a group dance to the Beer Barrel Polka blasting from the stadium speakers during the 3rd Qtr. You really can’t get that at any other stadium. A dome team, from the desert, playing in freezing weather with the snow coming down at Lambeau…Who could ask for anything better for the Packers? (Well, to be honest, Coach wishes it was about 10 degrees colder, then the rain/snow would have been a lot closer to a foot of the white stuff.) But, Packer fans soon had cause for concern... Fans could be heard muttering “Why isn’t Jake Kumerow on the roster?” (number 16), and “Who is that number 45?” (Danny Vitale from Northwestern via Cleveland). After a lackluster start to the game, their concern was heightened when the scoreboards could not seem to be kept in working order. This lack of attention extended to the concessions, where many stands were closed and those that were opened seemed to have only the inept on duty. How are fans supposed to see the game and keep BAC levels above 0.15 if they have to wait in line all day? Small points perhaps, but now that Mark Murphy has appointed himself Czar of everything Packers, he is clearly so full of himself he can’t see to it that the details are attended to in the stadium. Shame Murphy, shame! Bob Harlan kept up on the details and answered his own phone when fans called. Good luck to any of you out there trying to get through to our current Attorney-President. (You guessed it, he’s next on the list.) Game Summary “Stuff” rolls downhill from the top, and this lack of concern for the game inseminated every coach and player. If you look at the game stats it’s hard to believe we lost: Penalties – even Turnovers – none Time-of-possession Packers 32:26 Cards. 27:34 But if you dig a little deeper it’s very depressing…the offense stunk, again. Over the last 5 games we have scored a total of 16 points in the 4th Quarter. Think about it, we are averaging a FG per 4th Quarter. Lack of production on 3rd down (3/14 for 21%), lack of production passing (avg.4.5 yds/pass) and lack of production rushing (RB’s had 18 carries for 49 yds, 2.7 yds/carry). Broken record again and again. Chryminey, people, we scored 17 points in total, against the Cardinals, at home! Here a few highlights to help you understand why we lost: When we do get to the open field, we can’t run without falling down. Kumerow, the savior, was active, but he only had one play. The one play he was targeted he ran a perfect route and made a great catch. But he only had one play. There’s a reason Eddie Pleasant was available as a street free agent. He is not very good. This interception would have sealed the victory for Green Bay. And, yes, one more missed FG, this one would have tied the game at the end. In short, it's the Same Ol Story...we stunk. So, ... McCarthy gone! The Packer’s Organization advanced one step after the game and now Melissa McCarthy is gone. Thank you for your service Mike, but we are 31-28-2 since you blew the NFC Championship Game in Seattle at the end of the 2014 Season. We really have not been a good team for 3 ¾ seasons and it was time to get rid of you. Coach quickly contacted Mark Murphy to form some sort of understanding of what happened and what the plans are going forward. Mark seemed fairly confident that he did not fire Mike McCarthy. When Coach finally found the other Mark Murphy, he was somewhat pre-occupied, yet very sad, and it was clear that he was in mourning over the loss of Fat Mike. “Gosh, I don’t know what happened, seems like Mike just left the building. I am devastated, he was such a good friend” explained a chuckling Murphy. “I guess I’ll have to find another coach after I work on putting up ‘Luge Deux’, the new sledding hill I’m contemplating. I’m starting to think we should have four sledding hills in total, one for each Cardinal direction around the stadium. Did you get that? Did you get it? ‘Caaardinal-direction!’ Hmmm? Hmmm? Ahhh, I crack myself up. These are such good ideas for the football team, it really helps the guys focus on football. As I said in my press conference, I don’t want to brag about myself, but I know a LOT about football. That’s why I’m going to hire the next head coach!” Three down, one to go. Go back a couple of weeks to get a handle on how Coach feels about the Packers structure. Short Version? Murphy destroyed an outstanding organizational structure and system that Bob Harlan put in place many years ago. In its place he adopted the Dallas Organizational model and made himself the Jerry Jones of Green Bay. This way he can meddle in everything. Murphy’s greasy fingerprints are all over this team and he is intervening in all levels of the organization. In violation of common sense and established Harvard Business School empirical research, he has a matrixed structure that essentially means no decisions get made by anyone but him. Murphy made clear in his press conference that he is running (ruining) the show. His desire to push Gutekunst aside and hire the new HC is just one more glaring piece of evidence that he doesn’t know how to lead the team. Results? Exhibit A The 2018 Season Exhibit B Three years too late firing Thompson Exhibit C At LEAST 1 year too late firing McCarthy, 2 years more accurately, 3 years even more accurately Exhibit D He didn’t hire a real GM, he just lets Gutey find players Exhibit E Offense is our biggest disappointment this year, so HE appointed the new OC the interim HC Exhibit F Even the Assistant Coaches are acting up… This week it was obvious that the team is coming apart at the seams when Associate Head Coach Winston Moss acted out. He posted a bold tweet about holding #12 accountable and was summarily fired. While the Tweet was clearly ill-advised, he just as clearly new the impact it would have on his career and he felt compelled to vent his frustration anyway. This revolution is not over, there will be more blood in the streets and now it’s time to finish the job. Capers – Out Thompson – Out McCarthy – Out Murphy? Deadman walking, bull’s eye on his back Let’s just hope the Packers Executive Committee have the cajones to finish the job. What’s next – how do we find the next Head Coach? Coach isn’t sure if everyone is aware of the NFL Head Coach Selection Process, so let’s review: Step 1 Secretly contact candidates in-Season (naturally this violates NFL rules) Step 2 Fire existing Coach Step 3 Apply the “Rooney-Rule Steelers Owner Art Rooney, below, cajoled the NFL Owners into adopting a new rule when filling Head Coaching vacancies, which is now known as the “Rooney Rule.” Coach applauds the intent of the rule, which is to give minority candidates a fair shot at any new openings, but observes that generally GM’s only go through the motions prior to ignoring those candidates. Steps 3.a & 3.b In an effort to strengthen the impact of the Rooney Rule, this year the NFL Owners Committee decided to add two addendums. These policies call for additional broadening of the diversity among NFL Head Coaching Candidates and will be implemented prior to any new coaches being hired for 2019. Mr. Murphy seems to be more than enthusiastic about hosting these visits. Step 4 Hire the guy you originally targeted Let’s assume that the Murphy is marginally competent and has successfully completed clandestine Step 1, so the only open question is timing. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up McCarthy Would Punish Players After Road Losses By Booking Bad Hotels GREEN BAY, WI – Former Green Bay Packer Will Blackmon opened Pandora’s Box last week – right before head coach Mike McCarthy was fired, when he commented about the coach’s unusual form of punishing players for losing games on the road… From the re-tweets, it’s clear that it’s all true, and that McCarthy was a knucklehead who focused more on misguided paranoid psychology (#Sherman/Shottenheimer) than winning with real leadership and sound execution (#Lombardi/Belichick). Maybe the reason they couldn’t get a win on the road this year is because they couldn’t get any sleep! Coach’s crack squad of sports media interns dug into the hotel-torments of Packers players this year, and listed below are some of their eye-popping comments offered in exchange for their anonymity:
Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well POMONA, CA – In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains already don’t work too well. “Tackle football has long been known to be a high-risk sport, particularly for children under 12, but face it – some of these poor little guys are real knuckle-draggers, so why take away their fun? I mean, what do they have to lose?” said University of Los Angeles at Cal Poly Pomona childhood development physician Maureen Balticler, whose neuropathological research led her to the conclusion that the risk of chronic traumatic encephalopathy caused by repeated or severe head impacts in children is mitigated by more than 90 percent in cases where the youth presented signs of being a huge dumbass to begin with. “Of course, CTE is the most significant danger when it comes to contact sports like football, and the ages 10 to 18 are especially crucial to healthy neurological growth. But what are the symptoms of CTE? Mood swing, difficult thinking, memory loss? If that sounds like your kid, it’s because your precious little dude is already kind of a bonehead. Blocking, tackling, and getting hit on crossing routes are the least of the reasons why they’re acting like such a goddamn idiot all the time. More likely, it’s from the weed you were smoking or the aerosol cans you were sniffing while pregnant with him.” The study concluded that, for many of these halfwits, football is in fact their only shot at financial success or banging a smart broad like Ms. Balticler. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Matt Nagy Wonders If He Still Needs to Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bears Going To Lose NEW YORK – Watching his team fail miserably on almost every snap in overtime against the last place New York Giants, Chicago Bears head coach Matt Nagy wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bears were going to lose. After giving up a field goal to the Giants, the Bears needed to score at least the same to extend the game. However, the offense fumbled 3 times in their first (and only) possession. “It’s a miracle we recovered every one of those, so I wasn’t too sure if I should act mad or happy” said Nagy after the game. “I mean everybody knew we would lose, should I even bother raising my voice or acting like I’m disappointed? Who would I be fooling?” he asserted, noting that it would be pretty disingenuous to call out his players as if he or anyone else expected anything other than total incompetence on the field. “I guess I could make a whole show of yelling or throwing my headset and kicking something over, but everybody would see right through that charade. It would honestly be kind of embarrassing to even pretend I thought we had a chance at winning. People would think I’m a moron.” During the timeout before the failed 4th and long pass attempt that ended the game, Nagy had issued a half-hearted “let’s go” to his offense followed by three apathetic claps. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Bucky-Miami Rematch at Yankee Stadium – Who Cares? NEW YORK – Thanks to Gaglionone missing a very makeable FG against BYU, we find the Badgers playing Miami again this year, this time at Yankee Stadium on a Thursday night before the New Year celebrations begin. Had he made that FG, or if Bucky showed up for the Axe game, etc., etc., etc., we’d find ourselves at least in the Outback Bowl in sunny Florida. OK, we’ll stop whining about ourselves. We also feel Northwestern was shafted in terms of bowl invites. They went 8-1 in the Big Ten and shoulda beat Michigan. They played tough in Indy against the Bucknuts. They should be in the Citrus Bowl or Outback Bowl. Iowa in particular is not worthy of being in the Outback Bowl, with 4 BigTen losses. WTF, man? But really, who gives a rip? Ponder this… Side boob with NHO’s is hard to beat. We’re Gonna Kick You’re A$$ – Predictions for the upcoming game CEO and self-appointed football know-it-all Mark Murphy explained at his Press Conference that his plan was going perfectly. “We have now reached the Number 10 Pick in the 2019 Draft” referring to the draft order if the 2018 Season ended today. He went on to say, “We can only hope that Regis Philbin will do what’s necessary to get into the Top 5.” Let Coach be perfectly clear here... Yes, we’d all like a high draft pick. No, we are not going to quit on 2018. Coach doesn’t particularly like baseball (unless the Brewers are in the playoffs, or there are drunk hot chicks at the bar asking me if I like baseball), but it does teach kids a good concept: “Brian, run to first base as hard as you can because, no matter how dire it looks, you never know -- maybe the 1st Baseman will drop the ball.” The Green Bay Packers will never be confused with Jimmy Johnson, John Gruden or any of the NBA teams who deliberately tank the season to get better draft picks. The Packers represent a City, a County, a State and global Packer Nation with pride and are a franchise that will never take a dive. Shame on any of you for hoping that we lose any more games. Coach also reminds you, the loyal and intelligent reader, that the last time we had a Top 10 pick we ended up with a good 3rd Rounder (AJ Hawk was picked No. 5 overall in 2006 and, while AJ was “OK”, it was basically a wasted 1st Round pick). There is absolutely no guarantee that a high pick will pan out (you know that). As befits a mediocre season, we are symmetrically positioned between the 2019 No. 10 Draft Pick and making the 2018 Playoffs. …the odds of making either is very similar (you guessed it, very close to zero). If the 2018 Season ended today, we would be picking at No. 10 in the 2019 Draft. Basically 22 of the 32 Teams in the NFL are better than us … let that sink in for a nanosecond. Bummer…. we should fire McCarthy. Wait, oh, yeah, right. Murphy Confused by NFL Playoff Formula Moving on to the Playoffs, the President of the GBP seems to have misunderstood how the NFL Playoff seeding actually works. He said at his Monday press conference that the Pack are out of the Playoffs. While the odds are getting slim, Murphy’s statement was in fact wrong. Granted the odds are somewhere between slim and none, but the Pack are still alive in the 2018 Playoff race. Coach also needs to temper this excitement, as we would pretty much be a one-and-done team if we made the Playoffs. No matter, Coach still wants to make the Playoffs to burnish the long term “making the Playoffs” record of the Franchise. This will further boggle your mind, but we could actually still win the NFC North this year! To win the North we would need to win-out and the Bears lose-out, wouldn’t that just be sweet! Stranger things have happened, and the Bears still suck. How could we get in? Think of it this way, we are in last place in an 8-team race for 3 spots. Step 1: Win out and get to 8-7-1. Step 2: One of the current Playoff teams stumbles:
Step 3 : The big leapfrog. We need the Panthers, Eagles, Skins or Bucs to finish 8-8 or worse. We covered the remaining games of all these teams last week and this really is possible. Maybe not probable, but definitely possible. Ok, so why will we beat the Falcons? Despite football being the ultimate team sport, most probably we will win because Aaron Rodgers is in a no-win situation. In one sense, if the Pack wins-out, AR will look like he was holding back to get Melissa fired. This scenario is really only for the feeble minded conspiracy theorists, though, who are living in their parents’ basement spending their time building pterodactyl sculptures out of peanut butter. If the Pack lose-out or look bad, AR will look like he is over the hill. He will do everything in his gifted power to ensure that does not happen. Yeah, Coach is betting on Rodgers getting P.O.’d at all the criticism this week and he catches fire!! In the Regis Philbin regime home-game … GB 21 ATL 20 (It’s a lock, feel free to bet your asshole brother-in-law from Chicago at least $100 on this one.) JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them If you are a man and have a pulse, you have watched the classic 1977 movie Slapshot starring Paul Newman as the player/coach of a minor league hockey team (the Charlestown Chiefs) that went from the outhouse to the penthouse by fighting their way (literally) into the playoffs. The team famously had a bunch of lovable losers that eventually played to their full potential once the opponent’s star players were pummeled into submission, following the key acquisition of a violent trio of sibling thugs known as the Hanson brothers. Awesome flick. Did you know, though, that this story was loosely based on the three bothers that played for the Packers in the early 70’s? It’s no coincidence that Perry, Barry, and Barty Smith all played for the Green Bay Packers in 1974. Much like the Chiefs, the Packers were better fighters than players at that time. They finished a disappointing 6-8-0 that year, and took 3rd place in the NFC Central division, right above the lowly 4-10 Chicago Bears (no team in Tampa back then). They started out the season losing to the Vikings at home, but after getting a thorough ass-chewing by head coach Dan Devine the team toughened up and impressively won 3 of their next 4 games. In addition, they were hardy enough to split with each division foe that year (the Bears won a lucky 10-9 decision in Chicago that season, which Coach still disputes as a less-than-fair game refereed by zebras clearly beholden to organized crime bosses from that shithole of a city). Anyways, it was the three brothers Smith from Odessa, Texas who instigated the toughening up of the Packers that year (and likely was a reason Packers management brought in a softer, more cerebral coach in 1975, Bart Starr, to keep them in “check”)… Elder twin brothers, Perry and Barry, were both drafted in 1973; Barry by Green Bay as a wide receiver out of Florida State in the 1st round (21st overall), and Perry by Oakland as a cornerback out of Colorado State in the 4th round (92nd overall). In a storied history of draft pick trades between these two franchises, the Packers were quick to acquire Perry from the Raiders at the behest of their own number one pick, Barry Smith. “Perry and I used to fight like hell at home” said Barry. We never knew our dad, so we would often try to boss each other around to be the man of the house, and it usually ended up with black eyes and bloody lips. I knew having Perry in Green Bay would make us a tougher team on defense, even if that meant hitting opponents below the belt.” Incredibly, the Packers became (and still is) the only NFL franchise to have 3 brothers starting on the same team when they drafted younger brother, Barty, a running back out of Richmond, as the 12th overall pick in 1974. “When they drafted me, I knew the NFC Central was heading back to the black and blue days” Barty Smith recalled, during a Packers 40th anniversary team celebration a few years ago. “We used to knock the snot out of each other at home. Our mom was often out at night, and we were left home alone to fend for ourselves. Usually that ended up with two of us picking on the other. One time Perry and Barry tied me down and took turns hitting me in the nuts with a full bottle of ketchup. I got them back, though, when I pissed in their Kool-aide.” Alas, the Smith brothers did not last long in Green Bay. Barry famously had a nervous breakdown at the end of his 4th year with the team when shopping at the Port Plaza Mall, purportedly triggered by a Prange’s cashier accusing him of facilitating into a leather purse. Twin brother Perry lasted only three years with the team before retiring early due to debilitating gangrenous hemorrhoids that limited his ability to defend against receivers that could run a complete route tree. Youngest brother Barty had the most success in the NFL, sharing the backfield with Packers legends John Brockington and Eric Torkelson. Those were some grand years. So, as we head into a new era of anyone-is-better-on-the-sidelines-than-McCarthy by taking on the Falcons, we salute the Smith’s; Perry, Barry, and Barty – three brothers that knew how to strike first and hit below the belt when it was time for the Packers to be the toughest kid on the block.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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