Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: the Packers are qualified for hot cheerleaders… After surprising the rest of the football world with their upset victory in the desert over the undefeated Arizona Cardinals last Thursday to claim the “Best Team So Far” mid-season title, and considering their myriad of other nationally televised games across the preseason, the regular season, and the playoffs, the NFL should be kicking in dollars and dolls to sprinkle the Green & Gold’s sidelines with top tier T&A when the Packers lace up their spikes. Wisconsin can’t do it by themselves, but the infinite reach and power of the NFL can make it happen. With as big of a following as what the Packers serve up week in and week out, home or away, why not add some eye candy on that platter, too? It can only strengthen ratings – like “Nielsen Steroids!” Erin Andrews and Melissa Stark aren’t ain’t getting any younger, and there’s only two of them. Just sayin. Hot cheerleaders can be restocked and reloaded each and every year! It’s time for the Packs! Imagine superhot cheerleaders on the Packers sideline leading a GO PACK GO chant, or starting the wave while we’re on offense, or encouraging shirtless men to flash their Bourbon Street best and laughing with the crowd when those guys get hauled off to the stadium jail: an idea that’s time is overdue. ... at least, in Coach's humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Underdog Packers slay 7-0 Cardinals in Desert … holy kielbasa Norm! That got Coach ta tinkin’, when did we last have a Regular Season win that was this exciting? A) Nov 30th, 2014 - 26-21 win v. Pats? (Win over Brady & Hoodie at Lambeau put both teams even at 9-3) B) Oct. 17, 1983- 48-47 win v. Redskins? (3-3 Pack beat the heavily favored, 5-1, Superbowl Champs in the highest scoring MNF game ever), until Rams-Chiefs 2018) C) Week 17 2010, 10-3 win v. Bears? (9-6 Packers beat 11-4 Bears at Lambeau to make the playoffs, 3 weeks before beating the Bears at the Eyesore on the Lakeshore and going on to win SB XLV) Yup, you guessed it Jimmy, the correct answer is “C”. This truly was the best Reg Season win in just over a decade (Coach was at all three of these games and the ’83 game was more exciting, but unfortunately did not lead to anything in the Post Season). Ok, back to the Cards. What did Coach say two weeks ago? Borky, your MVP of the Skins game and the guy who is going to win a few more down the stretch. And man did he deliver, Borky had another fantastic game. His punt resume was: Punt No. 1 (13:05 - 1st, @ GB 29) C.Bojorquez punts 58 yards to ARZ 13, Center-H.Bradley. R.Moore ran ob at ARZ 13 for no gain. – A Special Teams Win! Punt No. 2 (10:12 - 1st @ GB 29) C.Bojorquez punts 48 yards to ARZ 23, Center-H.Bradley. R.Moore to ARZ 37 for 14 yards (A.Dillon) – Let’s call it a Special Teams Draw. Punt No. 3 (6:52 - 2nd @ GB49) C.Bojorquez punts 48 yards to ARZ 3, Center-H.Bradley, downed by GB-T.Summers. Green Bay challenged the kick downed ruling, and the play was REVERSED. C.Bojorquez punts 38 yards to ARZ 13, Center-H.Bradley. R.Moore MUFFS catch, RECOVERED by GB-T.Summers at ARZ 3. – A Huge Special Teams Win! While the Offense was struggling to move the ball, Borky kept us in the game in the 1st Half, with no play any bigger than the 3rd punt. You do realize that Borky is left footed? … a fad started by Belichik to make the ball more difficult to catch. Credit Gutey for signing our best punter since Craig Hentrich, a key player on the SB XXXI team. What did Coach say a week ago? Jimmy, you may be aware that BeriBeri is out as D-Coordinator with Covid, and that D-Backs Coach and former Top-5 NFL DC Gerry Gray will be running the Defensive show. Advantage Packers. Running BeriBeri’s Defensive Scheme, Gerry Gray ran it in a much more aggressive fashion. Result? Three turnovers. And in spite of all of the injuries, there was no confusion in the D backfield! You may also be aware that Davante Adams is out, and Rodgers does a better job of running the offense with him on the sidelines (6-0 without Adams in the LaFleur era, put “Adams” in the search bar above and you’ll see the analysis from two weeks ago). Advantage Packers. We ran 34 times for 151 yards and 37:35 time-of-possession. Rodgers passed too, but mainly short ones for an average 4.8 yards/pass … basically an extension of the run game. No BeriBeri, no Adams? No problem! Nobody else may see the win, but Coach does! Packers 30 (OT) Cards 27 What actually happened? Well, we got the predicted 3-point win, but without the OT! Down to the final seconds, Rasul Douglas, a brand-new Packer (and Cardinals Practice Squad signee just a few weeks prior), intercepted Kyle Murray to seal the win! What a dramatic way to win the game! This is just mind boggling! What, the win Coach? No, dummy, the guy is a complete unknown and his jersey is the first one on the list for sale on Fanatics! Crazy! Of course the best thing about buying a jersey from Fanatics! is the accompanying FREE Jersey Assurance. Coach was pressured to buy expensive Guernsey Assurance once, but at the last minute walked away from that offer after receiving some sage advice: "Don't purchase Guernsey Assurance when the lactation secretions come at at no cost." 7-1 and we’re guaranteed to be SB Champs, right Coach? Well … … Coach “Love”s your enthusiasm, but let’s not get too excited too early Jimmy. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Packers Locate Backup Blake Bortles In Bend O’r-egan BEND, OR—Alpenglow Ranch boasts 51 acres of dramatic Cascade Mountains views, which explains why Blake Bortles has been spending his time away from the NFL at this Clothing Optional resort. Wait, what? Yep, according to their website, “Solitude and natural beauty are what you’ll find at Alpenglow Ranch Clothing Optional Bed and Breakfast!” At Alpenglow, ‘experienced nudists’(?) are nude 100% of the time. You do have the option to wear something when you eat a meal, though (please?). If it is your first time, you may wear something until you are more comfortable...the only exception is that swim wear is not allowed in the pool or hot tubs at any time. See also, Petri dish. Proprietors Marvin and Velma Stanwyk noted that Bortles “really got away from it all” at their nudist retreat, boasting their gorgeous infinity edge pool, hot tub and 70-foot open flume water slide (yikes), and further touting their remote and private hiking trails and viewpoints “…for your naked enjoyment! Or if you want to be a bit more active, play Pickleball on our new Pickleball court or schedule a Nude Yoga session.” The Stanwyk’s chuckled that Bortles always bought the premium seating option for Yoga. But there’s more! Beyond the mountain sunshine there is world class nude biking, hiking, fishing, golf and skiing (yikes again! … My tummy hurts just thinking about it). After all or any of that, you can warm by the wood burning stove, enjoy the outdoor shower or soak in the hot tub the way nature intended. At press time Bortles would not confirm nor deny being introduced to Alpenglow Ranch by another Packers quarterback’s fiancé. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears Front Office Wishes Allen Robinson Would Stop Acting Like Allen Robinson CHICAGO—Expressing frustration with the NFL star’s outspokenness and unorthodox conspiratorial views, the Bears front office confirmed Monday before the trade deadline that they wish Allen Robinson would stop acting like Allen Robinson. “It’s a huge distraction; when you sign a player like Allen Robinson, you don’t expect to get a player like Allen Robinson,” said Bears general manager Ryan Pace, who noted that Robinson was sabotaging a potential championship team by refusing to cooperate with management and berating his teammates with baseless, controversial opinions like he was Allen Robinson. “If Allen is going to continue acting like the player we signed, we may have to consider going in a different direction. We do hope Allen Robinson snaps out of it and stops acting like Allen Robinson before the season ends.” At press time, the Bears were discussing cutting Allen Robinson if they could not work out a trade with another team in order to sign someone who would be less of a distraction, like soon-to-be free agent Allen Robinson. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Not much to grouse about after two impressive wins vs. overrated opponents and a big letdown game in front of us. Bucky’s red zone mistakes against Ped State led to their top 5 ranking. Their QB getting injured with a 17-7 lead at Iowa City and subsequent collapse led to the Hogeyes top 5 ranking. Purdue exposed injuries in the Iowa secondary and made their Badgers-like offense play catch-up. Wisconsin now looks more like they are who we thought they should be at the beginning of the season. We expected Leo Chenal to be a disrupter, but contracting Covid prevented him from playing against Penn State and being effective during the second half of the Notre Dame game. Bralen Allen did not see the field to any significant degree until the Michigan game. The offensive tackles (for the moment) are as healthy as they have been all season and Graham Mertz had a clean pocket for much of the afternoon against Iowa. Turnovers killed the Badgers in their losses, but netting positive seven turnovers over the last two games has been huge. It is no coincidence that Chenal’s presence is turnover-inducing. This is Wisconsin’s game to lose. Rutgers has become a pesky bunch, but expect Bucky to roll unless we turn the ball or get hit with key injuries. The game should be a good opportunity to work on the forward pass to checkdown wide-open receivers, but expect Paul Chryst to disappoint on that front. 30-17 Badgers, in a sloppy letdown game effort. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game You know that Coach LOVEs stats and normally there are plenty of video clips and data tables that help explain where we’ve been and to help predict where we are going… … well bandwidth issues for the Inter-Web from a treestand are limiting the tools that Coach has to tell the story, so let’s keep it simple. Adversity? Yes, we are facing “adversity”, much like a self-inflicted-gunshot-wound can be considered adversity. Rodgers laid it all out on the field Thursday, playing as hard as he ever has. Credit Rodgers the player. Rodgers the person? As Mike Sherman once said, “tough times don’t build character, they reveal character”. Coach is not going to enter the vaccine debate … but he has a very strong opinion about lying. “Lying” Adjective – “Not telling the truth” Partial list of synonyms: dishonest, deceitful, false, mendacious, untruthful, deceiving, dissembling, perfidious, deceptive, guileful, dissimulating, duplicitous, disingenuous, sneaky, delusory, insincere, misleading … Take your pick, or maybe pick’em all, they do a pretty good job of describing #12. Coach will not weep when Erin Rodgers eventually leaves town, but it’s really unfortunate that his disingenuous and deceitful approach of hiding his homeopathic COVID prevention remedy (click on link) is putting at risk a 7-1 season for the Fans and his Teammates. And the Love-Era begins. Let’s be honest, nobody knows how Love is going to play under the bright lights of KC on Sunday. What we know is that the Packers, QB’d by one Erin Rodgers, has produced a 7-1 record and they are the No. 1 Seed in the entire NFL, with the No. 16 Scoring Offense. That is a mind-boggler … literally the middle of the NFL pack on Offense and they are the No. 1 Seed, how can that be? Well, we have the: No. 9 Scoring D @ 20.9 pts/gm No. 2 Greatest turnover differential @+1.0/gm No. 3 Fewest penalties @ 4.5/gm No. 8 Greatest time-of-possession @ 31:19/gm No. 15 Highest rushing % @42% We are winning football games and overcoming all of our injuries by playing old-fashioned football. Control the clock and don’t make mistakes. Jordan Love can do this. Let’s all hope that Jordan’s nerves are calm enough for him not to turn over the football. The Chiefs are 4-4 and have one of the worst Defenses in the NFL. If Jordan can stick to the script, we will win this game. Packers 27 Chiefs 26 JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Well, unfortunately the bottom has fallen out for former NFL place kicker Ryan Longwell. As you may recall, Longwell was released by Green Bay and signed by the purple Packers-outcasts picker-uppers, where he quickly proceeded to insult the city of his former employer – laughing with a Twin Cities reporter that Applebee’s was the best restaurant in Green Bay. Up until that point, Longwell was mildly respected for being the Packers all-time leading scorer (a record that was quickly crushed by Mason Crosby); and despite the Packers recent (2018) pity party -- putting him into their hall of fame, it appears his family business after retirement from the NFL was, er, no good. The Longwell husband-wife meth-making team managed to alert law enforcement to their activities when they accidentally dialed 911 while preparing for a cook at their northern California home.
An Alameda County emergency dispatcher who fielded the unintentional cell phone call—a possible butt-dial—listened as two voices "discussed drugs." Eventually, she heard "a bubbling sound as if something was cooking," Oakland’s KTVU Channel 2 News reported. The dispatcher kept the call connected for half an hour while deputies tracked the phone to a home in Fruitvale, where they discovered a shed full of "meth-making materials" with smoke billowing out of it. "The search of the shed turned up all of the makings of an active meth lab, including coffee filters, a butane torch, batteries, drain opener, plastic tubing, hypodermic needles, lithium strips, lighter fluid, plastic bags and numerous plastic bottles containing a white substance," according to Channel 2 News. Ryan Longwell, 47, and his wife Sarah Longwell, 56, along with 41-year-old Jesse Pinkman, were evacuated from the meth-shed and arrested on charges of manufacturing and possession with intent to distribute. I’m unsure if Ryan intends to fatten up in prison, but if he does, I’m looking forward to his critique of the food served in San Quentin.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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