We’re ba-ack… …but this guy is not. Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Coach hopes you had a good offseason. At least the Bucks did their job to make the playoffs and keep the NBA interesting until the OTA’s come around (yet I fear the jury is still out on if the Brewers’ pitching can hold up until training camp starts), and I personally used the playoff-less Green Bay winter months to renew a long-overdue commitment to bettering my ice fishing skills (and upgrading associated gear) and – I don’t want to brag, but my results were pretty decent so focusing on the fish was totally worth it despite the crappy conditions on the frozen ponds this year and my overuse of run-on sentences. Anyways, with the temperatures rising, some interesting off season acquisitions – including Preston Smith with his indestructible left hand and Za’Darius Smith with his bionic hamstring, and ¾ of the Thompson / Capers / McCarthy / Murphy regime behind us, Coach is looking forward to getting back to some serious football; especially the return of sidelines acumen that is at least as competent as what the Kimberly High School JV team’s coach has. So let’s get this sucker started!... Coach’s Humble Opinion: Rodgers Too Hard On Former Teammate When He Called Him A ‘Dumbass Shithead Who Should Quit Football’ Recent interviews with former players has many fans raising questions about Aaron Rodgers’ ability to lead the NFL’s most storied franchise to yet another championship. Look, I value strong leadership, but was shoving Jared Abbrederis out of the huddle and telling him he shouldn’t even try because he’s never going to be good enough really necessary? Probably not. There’s a fine line between bullying and motivation. The last thing a young player needs is a future Hall of Famer like Rodgers instructing him to pull into the garage, shut the door, and keep it running. And now there’s talk behind the scenes that several current Packers aren’t too happy about being called “no-talent shitbags that couldn’t crack a roster spot in the CFL.” I mean, it’s gotta hurt when your Captain is on record saying they’d be better off if you were never born. I know, I know – he wants to win. I get it, but calling Jimmy Graham a “washed up fukstick that can’t catch for shit” seems a bit harsh. It’s one thing to say these things behind closed doors, but… in front of the TV camera with their kids and family watching? I say that is crossing a line. As easy as it may be to dismiss the Rodgers-less Packers as a bunch of hapless assclowns, we must remember that these are still real human beings, with real feelings, hopes and dreams. They aren’t playthings that Aaron can just grab by the ankles and dangle from the Leinie’s Lodge balcony in the Lambeau Field Atrium, asking them to give him one good reason not to let go. The bottom line is that you can catch more flies with honey than with threatening to go back in time and rip off their dad’s dick. And, frankly, these outbursts are beneath what we’ve come to expect from Aaron after all these years. To be the greatest, you have to be patient. At least in my humble opinion . …then again, Tom Brady did bury Drew Bledsoe alive. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Are you sick of all the draft analysis? …all the chest beating about who we should draft and accompanying thinly veiled reasoning why. You know, the run of the mill “LaFleur’s-zone-run-needs-more-running-backs-with-Adams-in-the-slot-and-Allison-is-no-good-so-get-15-more-edge-rushers” analysis. …screw all that, here’s all you need to know… …Gutey scooped up enough defensive depth so now we just go “BAP” all the way … Best Available Player. No matter how much you think you know, trust Coach, you don’t. (Be honest, you picked Bucky to win the semi-pro football championship last year, dintchya?) Gutey and his ilk spend their entire lives studying the roster options – and even then, the Top 5 picks are a less than a 50:50 proposition. So, sit back, relax and let Gutey do his best. We really won’t know how this draft went until the end of the 2022 Season. #LastYearThe2015DraftSucked WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up NFL Players Association Advises Remaining Free Agents To Try Adding Keywords Like “Football” To Resumés NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest of details often help to secure an interview, the NFL Players Association advised the league’s remaining unsigned free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “football” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to directors of player personnel like ‘block’ and ‘route tree’ – you can even put value-add words such as ‘touchdown’ or ‘TFL’ in bold to really make them pop,” said executive director DeMaurice F. Smith, adding that players should also customize cover letters by using the names of the GM and head coach as well as providing specific details as to why they want to play for a franchise. “Remember, teams are only going to be spending about 10 seconds on each resumé, so you really need to grab their attention. You can even stretch the truth a bit – don’t go saying you were MVP, because they’ll definitely check a claim like that; but, for instance, if you played special teams, you could embellish by claiming you played on both sides of the ball. Or if you went to college at UMASS, just say you played in New England.” Smith also urged free agents to make connections with a team by taking a lower-level position like concessions management or retrieving the tee on kick-offs. Rob Demovsky Is Tyler Dunne’s Bitch BRISTOL, CT – By now you’ve read or heard about the award winning Bleacher Report revelation by Tyler Dunne asserting a long-standing schism between Aaron Rodgers and former Packers head coach Mike McCarthy, purportedly because McCarthy has (as we all know) such a low football IQ and favored Alex Smith over Rodgers for the 1st pick of the 2005 draft when he was offensive coordinator at San Francisco. This rift, according to Dunne, led to the eventual firing of McCarthy 13 years later(?). OK, it might be a bit far-fetched, and the “sources” quoted in the article with inflammatory remarks are obviously disgruntled Packers that made nothing much of themselves as football players after leaving Green Bay. But, you gotta hand it to Dunne, he knew how to take a page from CNN’s fake news machine and make much ado about nothing. Now, everybody in the sports media world knows his name. Poor Rob… ESPN’s man-on-the-Packers-scene, Rob Demovsky, thought he bagged his wall-mount buck when he got an interview with unemployed Mike McCarthy soon after there were clearly no other takers for him to fill their open head coaching spots. After all, Demovsky usually is the last guy to get inside information on Packers past or present, and his previous attempts at reporting Packers news have been tantamount to a 4th grader’s “How I made Jesus proud on my summer vacation” paper for Sister Barbara at St. Boniface elementary school in Fon du Lac. So, surely THIS piece would be the talk of the offseason! During his sit-down with the former coach, Demovsky and McCarthy exchanged pleasantries and discussed non-newsworthy things such as how the former coach’s wife felt about him being fired, etc., allowing McCarthy to show honesty and class. How nice. Zero perspective and zero football analysis in it at all, which is a trademark of Rob Demovsky’s work, and probably why the ABC lawyers in the Human Resources department at ESPN hired him. Upon learning of Dunne's forthcoming superbly researched and written Bleacher Report exposé, Demovsky was wrought with panic and jealousy and had to rush the release his feel-good “softball” interview with McCarthy exactly 1-day prior, realizing that his article would be a laughing stock if it came on the heels of Dunne’s report. Just think about this for 11 seconds, the timing for an interview with McCarthy makes no sense … he is still being paid for another year by the Packers, unless he defames them in some harmful manner. He isn’t going to risk that. I might be interested in what McCarthy has to say about the Packers in about one year, though. Thanks to Rob for another Nothing Burger with Cheese. Speaking of things that suck because they're from Chicago... The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof “Doink” ... “Doink” Yep, still funny! Infamous Bears QB “sucking harder than he’s ever sucked” LOS ANGELES – The Very Cavallari TV show (airs Sundays on E! Network) star Kristin Cavallari revealed the intimate task husband Jay Cutler performed while she had "clogged ducts." This made for TV over-share shockingly came about during a dinner gathering in Cabo San Lucas. After being asked by her friends at the table what Jay was drinking, Kristin blurted "I had, like, major clogged ducts. Jay had to get them out for me. Sucking harder than he's ever sucked." (That’s impressive coming from someone who knows Jay so well, and considering no man in documented history has ever sucked as much as Jay Cutler.) Mastisis, a breast infection the Mayo Clinic says is frequently caused by clogged milk ducts or bacteria (Eeeeww) causes severe breast swelling and inflammation (Yay!), redness, burning sensations, and fever (ok, not so good). "So I said Jay, 'I'm going to need you to suck this out. We can talk about it, we can be weird about it, or you can just go ahead and do it.' He had this cup next to him for spitting into. He gulped most of my infected milk down right then and there, but he saved some in this cup for later. I think he spiked it with Tequila." Has Jay Cutler gone from Zero to Hero over this? Maybe. In the words of the great 1970’s American poet, Meatloaf: I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground At what point did the Hornibrook season unravel, taking the offense and a season of high expectations down with it? How did Hornibrook go from the top-rated conference QB to a FL St transfer? Who can forget this graphic following the Nebraska game? The Minnesota game? Nope. Think further back. Was it Paul Chryst’s vanilla play-calling that was perhaps yet more predictable than that of Mike McCarthy? Was it Paul Chryst’s season-long pattern of skipping offensive team meetings in favor of happy ending massages upstairs in his office, following mornings spent sipping Bloody Mary’s at Smut & Eggs on Madison’s west side? Getting warmer. How is it that Hornibrook finished the October 13th Michigan game, yet showed up on the following Wednesday injury report in the concussion protocol? Several townie witnesses recount Paul Chryst paying an uncharacteristic Monday night visit to a local Madison sportsbar to watch former players participate in that night’s Monday Night Football matchup. Upon entering the parking lot, Chryst noticed a familiar vehicle, resembling one that belonged to his daughter. Shortly after entering the bar, patron Bryant Campbell observed an enraged Chryst finding his daughter engaged in a full-on, hands-in-pants grinding make-out session with none other than Alex Hornibrook. After approaching the couple, Chryst proclaimed “appreciate this opportunity MF’er” as he T-boned Hornibrook with a roundhouse right to the jaw that laid him out cold. The following day in a closed-door meeting with Hornibrook, Chryst declared ‘as long as you date my daughter, you are on double-secret probation.’ And so it went, reported as lingering concussion symptoms. We present this explanation as good as any to explain the Horn Dog’s demise. In other Badger News: 1. J.J Watts will give the UW commencement speech on 19 May extemporaneously. After that, all the recent grads and their parents will drink a lot of beer. Very cool. 2. The University of Illinois announced that it will begin selling beer at football games…for all 7,000 fans who regularly attend. We all know that watching Illinois football sober should be outlawed under torture laws of the Geneva Convention, but for Wisconsin fans, it’s a good road trip that just got better—easy drive, easy parking, short lines at the gate and at the john. C’mon Wisconsin. What a way to raise a ton of $ for the Wisconsin athletic department, liven up the games and keep students in the stands post-Jump Around—assuming they don’t cut off beer sales in the 4th quarter. 3. Recent Badgers who are eligible for the draft are not projected to be taken very high. The highest will likely be Edwards and Dieter in the 3rd round. Green Bay Bayport standout Alec Ingold is the only fullback at the combine but looks like a 7th rounder. Dakota Dixon is of special note, ran a 4.8 x 40 which is below average for any college student, to say nothing of an athlete. Olive looks like a practice squader too despite his flexibility and gymnastic prowess. Sad. 4. Former Badger Rusty Wilson is making news with contract talks. We do not give AF, but he has been on as many Super Bowl winning teams as AR ... just sayin’. Chevon McNuggets – G.O.A.T. facts to chew on We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The 2019 roster is in rebuild mode and we have a Rookie Head Coach in Petite Fleur. What’s not to like? This got Coach ta tinkin’ … how well have Rookie Head Coaches done over time? Can a Rookie get us to da promised land? Well, it's like Grandpa used to say, “If ya don’t know where ta start, go back ta da beginnin.” Get your VCR’s outta da basement boys and let’s have a walk down memory lane... How have the Best Coaches fared in their first year as a Head Coach? Coach sorted all 494 NFL Head Coaches by Regular Season winning percentage (Wins as a HC, with all teams they coached.) Of the Top 10, only three went to the Playoffs their first year (Madden, Flaherty and Paul Brown), and none won a Championship. That’s right, almost all had a winning record the first year, but only three made the playoffs and zippo, nada, nobody won a Championship. If we dip down to No. 12, we find that George Siefert did win a SB his Rookie Year as a HC, but with an absolutely talent-laden San Francisco team. It is reasonable to question the level of 2019 Packers talent versus that of the Seifert-led 49ers of 1989. But Coach, maybe Petite Fleur isn’t a Top-10-All-Time-Head-Coach, maybe he can do OK anyway? What the video tape reveals is that 2 Coaches, out of 494 All-Time, did actually win Championships! (Siefert and Don McCafferty with the Baltimore Colts.) If we look at the first two years of Coaching, 11 new HC’s took their teams to the SB and won (Doug Pederson with the Eagles being the most recent example.) So Petite Fleur does indeed have a 0.4% chance of taking us to the Super Bowl this year!! How ’bout dem odds!! OK, that may not sound too good, but consider this…. ….the Defense will be in Year 2 of Pettine’s D, and with the addition of some solid free-agent talent and maybe toss in a few decent draft picks, WE WILL have a Top 10 Scoring Defense. ….and after Tyler Dunne dissected McCarthy, Rodgers, Thompson (and by inference Murphy and Capers) – and laid waste to Rodgers’ leadership skills and called him selfish, what do you think A-Rod is gonna do? Yes, exactly … like Brent Favor coming back from Vicodin re-hab, #12 is going to show the world this year that he is still the best QB on the planet. Look for a pissed-off Rah-jahs to carry the team. A 0.4% historical success rate, and I get Aaron Rodgers? I’ll take those odds. So, summarizing our chances using the famous words of John Blutarsky “Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!! And we’re not gonna give up now! Who’s with me!!” Packers will go 13-3 and put a Coach-guaranteed 14th Trophy in the Case! LaFleur Assembles Staff for Super Bowl Run GREEN BAY—Soon after being named Packers head coach, Matt LaFleur wasted no time assembling his crack squad of coaching assistants. As expected, he reached out to those he is closest to for most of the important position-coach roles. LaFleur did retain defensive coordinator Mike Pettine, but (surprising to no one) he released offensive coordinator Joe Philbin and special teams coordinator Ron Zook. Said LaFleur, “Firing Zook was an easy decision ... he was about as effective as a used bar of prison soap.” Football insiders agree that LaFleur was fortunate to replace Zook with coaching guru and Rick Harrison (Pawn Stars) prison photo look-alike, Shawn Mennenga. When Mennenga eventually agreed to leave Vanderbilt to become the special teams coordinator in Green Bay, LaFleur had to rescind his tentative offer to White Goodman of the Canadian Football League’s Fighting Purple Gerbils of Gilliam, Manitoba, leading to Goodman’s now infamous response. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them You might remember watching Jim Flanigan playing for the Packers. Your old man might, too, but they might not be the same Jim Flanigan. That’s right, the Packers had two Jim Flanigan’s! …and if you know what the Medicare Plan-D “Donut Hole” is, you probably have seen both of them play. Vince Lombardi drafted Jim Flanigan (Sr.), a middle linebacker out of the University of Pittsburgh, in the 2nd round of the 1967 draft (54th overall). He won an NFL championship in his rookie year (Hmmmm) and played 40 games for the Pack through the 1970 season. He played another year in New Orleans before retiring and moving up to Door County. His son, Jim Flanigan Jr., played defensive tackle at the University of Notre Dame and then professionally for the Chicago Bears, San Francisco 49ers, Philadelphia Eagles and, yes, the Green Bay Packers during his 10-year career. Flanigan's roommate at Notre Dame was Aaron Taylor, an offensive guard whom Green Bay chose with the No. 16 selection in the first round of the 1994 draft. Flanigan was hoping to be drafted by the Packers in the second round, but to his surprise, he was tabbed by the Chicago Bears in the third round (No. 74 overall). Flanigan proved to be one of Chicago's most durable and productive linemen in his time there, starting in more than 90 consecutive games and finishing first or second in team sacks from 1996-2000. He also holds the distinction as the only defensive lineman in NFL history to catch all four passes ever thrown to him and all for touchdowns. Jim Jr. also excelled off the field, creating the James Flanigan Foundation to encourage child literacy and was named the NFL's Walter Payton Man of the Year in 2000. Not too shabby. In 2001, he followed in his father's footsteps by playing for the Green Bay Packers. Jim Jr. was signed as a free agent by head coach and general manager Mike Sherman (Gaakk! ...sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little). Flanigan, the younger, teamed with Gilbert Brown to anchor the middle of Green Bay's defensive line, with pass rushers Vonnie Holliday and Santana Dotson starting on the ends. The Packer defense recorded 52 sacks in 2001, which still stands as the team record for a season. Jim Jr. had 4.5 of those sacks that year.
After football Jim Jr. retired and moved back to Green Bay. His wife is from Madison, so yeah they’re big Packers fans. No Flanigan’s in this year’s draft pool, though. Bummer.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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