Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! With the 2019 Packers draft selections and UDFA additions identified, now it’s time to book your lodging for Super Bowl week in South Florida. I’m gonna stay at my good buddy Bob’s place. Spoiler alert: We will get too drunk, push the envelope of public indecency, laugh our asses off and probably forget most of the fun we had by the time we get into the game. Hope to see you there. But leave your mujers at home. That’s so Miami. In Coach’s Humble Opinion: NFL Should Do More To Prevent Concussions This week Coach tackles one of the NFL’s touchiest subjects. It’s no secret that the league has been plagued by serious head injuries, and it seems like the problem has only gotten worse under commissioner Goodell’s watch. Today’s football players are bigger and faster than ever. All it takes is one hit to seriously alter the course of one’s life — and the way these injuries are piling up, it’s worth asking if the NFL should be doing more to prevent female concussions. This year’s draft revealed yet again that NFL teams inexplicably care more about winning games than they do about women’s health. With the cosmetic release of Tyreek Hill barely behind them, the Kansas City Chiefs introduced their new defensive end, Frank Clark, who was kicked off Michigan’s team in his senior year after being arrested for beating up his girlfriend. The Titans used their 1st round pick on Jeffery Simmons, even though he was recorded repeatedly punching a woman who had been fighting with his sister. And of course the Raiders followed suit by signing Tyler Roemer, who was the subject of a Title IX investigation at San Diego State after a physical altercation with his girlfriend. It’s time for the NFL to step up. GM’s should be on the hook to lose draft picks, or even their jobs, when one of their acquisitions is caught on security video delivering an uppercut to a woman’s face. Moreover, the NFL needs to have medical staff on hand immediately after a player initiates unnecessary contact against a defenseless woman. With today’s technology, they can test for concussions right away. The NFL has known about these concussions since at least the 1980’s, but they’ve spent so much time and money trying to cover up the issue that they’ve lost all credibility when it comes time to hand down punishment. And that fact doesn’t escape the players. At this point they know they can get away with it. Players aren’t afraid to lay an illegal hit to their spouse because 9 times out of 10 the league is going to turn a blind eye to the incident. Frankly, it’s not enough to just ask a player if everything is ok; they should have to go through a protocol before being cleared of charges. Now I realize that many football purists don’t mind this kind of physicality, and these players just want to prove that they’re tough, but exposing women to brutal head blows just doesn’t seem to be entirely necessary. At least in my humble opinion. ...then again, playing Jarts was much more fun when they had metal tips. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme After extensive research, Coach determined that there are 90 players on The-Roster, and a whole bunch of them are new to Green Bay. Shocking, right? Not only that, several of them “really like football” according to the in-depth scouting reports. Coach is heartened that they will be self-actualized by selecting careers that they enjoy. Who says the yutes of America have lost their direction (besides my cousin Vinny Gambini)? I don’t think so. But this didn’t feel like enough analysis, so Coach did the hard work for you ... On The-Roster there are: 14 guys whose first name starts with J... from J’Mon to Josh 9 guys whose first name starts with T... from Teo to Tyler 8 guys whose first name starts with a letter that no else has... from Fadol to Hunter to Za’Darius 8 other guys have no first name at all (well, primarily because Coach f’d-up the copy-paste of The-Roster and couldn’t get the Inflight WiFi to work so he could re-download The-Roster, but fret not, lessons are in the works). I know! I know! This got Coach pretty excited, too, things are looking up! But where did these guys come from (Shirley you don’t expect me to say their mothers)? FACT: A lot of them came from colleges that other guys came from. We have five guys on The-Roster from Mississippi State, and another two from Ole Miss. Reportedly, they all like football. (Let’s just hope that the Wonderlic test is not really predictive of on-field performance. Coach has peeked, and the Mississippi guys have a cumulative Score of 7). One concern though, we have twice as many players on The-Roster from Illinois than we do from Wisconsin. Coach will track this emerging story so you are right up to date. (Spoiler alert, we tend to like FIB’s that truly defect to Wisconsin -- or wish they had the wherewithal to do so, even though we despise their conceited vacationing sort that buy lakefront property up north to have a place they can send their spoiled-brat kids who tend to harass walleye enthusiasts with wave-pounding whiny jet skis and bladder-augmented boat wakes.) Another concern? Forty-four of the guys have no one else from their school with them. They are no doubt very lonely, being away from home and no one else to comfort them when they go through the rigors of Training Camp. Robert Kraft has observed that this is an issue throughout the NFL, and he has initiated a program to comfort players and assuage their bumps and bruises from Training Camps around the League. Kicking off his campaign recently in Florida, said Kraft: “I am proud to announce a strategic alliance between Roger Goodell, me, the Patriots organization and Miss Dongfilsgud’s Spa Chain for NFL’ers. We will be opening these NFL MDSCN (aka NFL “Medicine”) spa stations in all 32 NFL cities to provide relief to every player who needs it by the opening of their training camp.” Coach also observes that the NFL Draft took place recently. Reportedly the Packers have 8 new players acquired in the Draft. Rashan Gary – 12th pick overall – plays “edge” from Michigan. Not as good as the guys around him at Michigan and his shoulder has a major injury – but he has potential…(Gary was wearing a brace at his first practice…at this writing Coach is unable to confirm if the Packers actually got a buy-one-get-one-free shoulder surgery to pair with Kevin King). Darnell Savage – 21st pick overall (from Seahawks for the 30th Pick and two 4th round picks) – plays the “Fast Safety” position. Savage is the darling of the post-draft analysis while Gary is taking flack…but who really knows. Even at the top of the draft the vast majority of the guys flame out (#MitchellTrubisky). It’s true that the odds of getting a star in the later rounds is lower, but the first four rounds is typically where the top players come from. Coach’s complaint is that Gutey really f’d up the numbers. We had 10 picks, six in the first four rounds (two 1st, one 2nd, one 3rd and two 4th’s) and he turned that into four in the first four rounds (two 1st, one 2nd and one 3rd). True, we had two 1st rounders…but one is injured. Drafting injured players has never panned out for the Packers, ever!! #JustenHarrellKevinKingNickPerryJamalWilliamsAntuanEdwardsJaredAbbrederisVinceBiegelEtcEtcEtc. Coach would have much rather traded down from 12 to the neighborhood of 21 to pick Savage, and, picked up another pick or two along the way (turn 10 picks into 11 or 12 with the extras in rounds 2 & 3). Oh, and we picked 6 more guys, all of whom are outstanding picks and locks for first-ballot-HOF-selection, according to all the experts, like Captain Obvious, Rob Demovdipshitsky. Yes, we drafted more on D, for like the 179th year-in-a-row. And, every player selected was a HS Champion and a college All-Star. And, they all have heart breaking stories of living with their Uncle Rico in a tricked out brown ’82 Econoline van, let’s just hope DC Mike Poutine can use these guys. Like all other 31 NFL teams, at this time of year all 90 players on The-Roster are perfect and they are all like cute new puppies. And in about four months we will drown 37 of them in a shallow barrel to get to down 53…but that’s for another installment of your favorite program. Time will tell, but what we do know is that The-Roster is lighter than it is heavier… …wait, what? Sparing no tool of modern science or engineering, Coach has determined that The-Roster weighs exactly 10.0 U.S. Metric Tonnes (look it up). More interestingly, the Mean is 5% higher than the Median. Just ponder that for 11 seconds. That means our fat guys are fatter than our skinny guys are skinny, which should mean more team speed at the lighter/skinnier end of The-Roster, the thing that Gutey is trying to achieve. Half of The-Roster weighs less than 106 kg, but the average is 111 kg. That begs a couple of other really interesting questions:
Just try discussing that with the guys at the bar up in Crivitz once hey! …although they still can’t figure out why highway 141 loses the 1st “1” when you get to Green Bay. The over-under on getting beer poured on your head is also 11 seconds. The answer to these intriguing questions is left as an exercise for the reader to complete. Ideally you will do this compelling research while you are at work and being paid (and not waste your valuable free-time). Contest winners will be announced in a forthcoming episode of The Show! and, as always, any unclaimed prize will remain the property of the retired Packers player still offering it on his torn-vinyl, soft top folding table outside his garage during his weekend rummage sale. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Randall Cobb Informs Cowboys Of 2-Week September Vacation He’d Planned Before Getting Job DALLAS – Worried that he should have warned them about the trip during contract negotiations, Randall Cobb told Dallas Cowboys general manager Jerry Jones Wednesday that he would be missing two weeks in the middle of September for a vacation he had planned before joining the team. “It’s tough because I already got plane tickets, which are pretty expensive, not to mention the eight-day cruise around the Cayman Islands. There’s just no way I can back out now,” said Cobb, claiming he had booked the trip weeks before signing a 1-year $5 million contract with Dallas after finding a deal on Priceline that was too good to pass up. “We already booked a scuba diving excursion and put down a deposit for a beach cabana. I hate to put the Cowboys in a tough spot like this as the 2019 NFL campaign just gets underway, but I didn’t really know if I was going to be signing with anybody this year when I made all the travel arrangements. My family is so excited about the trip; it would kill them if I had to back out. Things like this just happen sometimes, and I’m sure they’ll find a temp who can fill in for me.” At press time, Cobb confirmed with team officials that he’s excited to meet his new teammates at some point in August after returning from rehab for an offseason ACL sprain he suffered when riding offroad motorcycles Easter weekend in the Tennessee Smokey Mountains. Giants 2019 Draft Rivals Bears 2017 Reach For Trubisky EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — The Giants, who had the 6th, 17th, and 30th picks in the first round of this year’s draft, shockingly selected quarterback Daniel Jones from Duke at number 6. General manager David Gettleman insists there were at least 2 teams (he later referenced Green Bay and Atlanta) that he was convinced would select Jones before they could get to him at pick 17, so they nabbed him at 6 — foregoing opportunities to select higher profile athletes like Josh Allen and Ed Oliver. To Gettleman’s embarrassment, all other 31 teams later anonymously confessed they actually had Jones rated much lower on their boards, supporting the assertions of most draft pundits who had projected him as a Day 2 or Day 3 selection. Noteworthy data representative of Daniel Jones’ college career:
New York native, Giants fan, and President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, said “There’s never been anything this bad before ever. It’s incredible. This guy ... Gettleman, he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. It’s very sad. Buh-leeve me.” The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof What’s the matter, Denny? “Well, Coach, I’m worried about the Bears.” Don’t be a dumbass, Denny. “But Coach, they were a lot better last year. They even made the playoffs! They’ve got Khalil Mack and a couple other guys that they talk about a lot on ESPN … Aren’t they ascending at a rate that the rest of the division can’t keep up with?” Well, Denny, nope. Use your noggin… The Mack trade, so far, got the Bears a division title and a one-and-done blink in the playoffs. They still have Hicks, but they lost Adrian Amos (to the Packers!), and we all know how a weak Strong Safety (pun intended) can limit a defense … especially in a pass-happy division. Offensively, their element of surprise (Nagy’s play calling) is a shell of its former self, now that there are 17 games with an average-at-best QB on tape to dissect. Just ask the Eagles. Turdbiscut is a known entity (what he can / can’t do) – In all likelihood, he’s peaked. He couldn’t carry them to victory when he needed to most: in the playoffs, at home, against Philly’s average defense. Plus, not only did the Bears have zero first-round picks this year, they also have zero in the 1st round again next year, which puts their improvement as a team mostly on Trubisky. I’ll take those odds. Let’s face it, they might not make the playoffs this year at all and, if they do, it could be as a meager 9-7 or 10-6 tie-breaker WildCard team. You know the Bears, once there’s a small crack in the hull, the whole ship goes Titanic. Put simply, the Bears are already in a downward spiral that will keep them out of contention at least until you get a free college education. So sleep well tonight, Denny, and tell your hot mom I said hi. ;o) Bears Make Top 10 Pick Out Of Habit CHICAGO — Accustomed to being one of the first ten teams to select a player in the draft each year, the Bears mistakenly told NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell early on Thursday evening that they had selected Ed Oliver, Defensive Tackle from Houston. A red-faced Ryan Pace (Bears general manager) admitted “I was a little surprised that no one had been calling me as usual to move up in the draft. I should have known something was up. Boy, was Roger surprised ... he said, ‘You traded all your 1st round picks away to Oakland for two years, you knucklehead!’ Golly gee I sure hope I don’t repeat this little blunder again next year.” At press time, Pace was calling players from Canada and the defunct AAF league for tryouts to fill open roster spots, priming the Raiders for a 2021 Super Bowl run and the Bears for more top 10 picks in the years that follow. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground We were only off by a mile, projecting Wisconsin Badgers Edwards, Edwards & Deiter in the 3rd round. Here’s how the 2019 Draft actually shook out: Deiter – 3rd round to Dolphins Connelly – 5th round to Giants Van Ginkel – 5th round to Dolphins (kinda like the Packers drafting guys from Texas A&M) David Edwards – 5th round to Rams. Was projected first round pick going into senior season, but played with a bad shoulder most of the year and missed the last three games. Ingold signed as UDFA with the Raiders TJ Edwards – UDFA signed with Eagles. Ran a very slow 4.87 40 after dropping 20 lbs. Edwards was not alone in moving down the board due to lack of speed. Two-year Clemson starter Tre Lamar declared for the draft after his junior season after being named 2nd Team All-American at ILB. He ran 5.01 at the Clemson pro day and just signed as a free agent with the Lions. TJ Edwards was just as important to the 2016 Badgers defense as Biegel and Watt (if not more so). He had 10 career interceptions. The dude just made plays. Beau Benzshawal – UDFA to Lions Taiwan Deal – camp invite by Packers (annual goodwill gesture to Madison from Green Bay) Baker Mayfield – selected to announce "Riders Up" at the 145th Kentucky Derby. On a sad note, Nebraska had zero players drafted this year – the first time in 56 years the Cornhuskers did not have a player drafted. It's clear that a once-great, historic program is now being run by a bunch a boobs. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game What the hell is going on out there? No, Coach doesn’t mean the reports that A-Rod will be in Episode 5 of Game of Thrones (Sunday night this week on HBO) and his character will be killed-off. No, that’s stupid, there is no way that he would let himself get distracted from football. The Tyler Dunne report that Rodger’s is a self-centered misanthrope are completely overblown. No, Aaron is completely focused this Offseason on returning the Pack to Greatness. He’s pictured here with one of Ms. Dongfilsgud’s Professional Physical Therapists at the Kraft Institute in Green Bay. What Coach does mean is What the hell is going on in the Front Office? Tom "Spoon" Silverstone of the Mwawkee Jurnil-Set’nal had a great piece this week on how inept El Presidente Mark Murphy is… …only confirming what Coach has been telling you for a long time. Silverstone does an excellent job of plagiarizing Coach’s earlier analysis (see numerous 2017-18 Coach Clarahanson Show! episodes. The “old structure” is in blue below. That structure has been producing success since Bob Harlan put it in place in the early ‘90’s. The new structure is the famous management-by-committee approach, and is pictured below: The new structure puts Alfred E. Neuman right at the center of Football’s Mecca. It’s true that the dysfunctional committee was able to build a completely unnecessary sledding hill, so maybe a dysfunctional committee will produce success on the field as well(?). That got coach to wondering about things that were built by committees. The most concerning parts of Silverstone’s article are that the Packers Board’s Executive Committee exerts no control over Murphy, that Gutey is excluded from real decision making, and that new Coach Petite Fleur is getting run over by Murphy and Russ Ball. Coach observes that it is the Off Season, and Soap Operas have been intriguing humankind since Euripides's wrote Hippolytus, so one can only hope that these reports are overblown and that this misaligned bunch of self-interested egoists can put it all aside… ..and, alas, once again it falls to #12 to make them all look good. Moving on, Coach is sticking with 13-3, why? Because we need a 5th Lombardi Trophy to give the other 13 Championship Trophy’s company and hope springs eternal in the Off Season (and Coach doesn’t want to demotivate the reader by revealing his inner fear of 6-10). 13-3? A Super Bowl worthy regular season record always starts with winning our Division. This year the analysis has to go no further than the Bears, the hapless Losers-on-the-Lake. First, aside from the Bears having no kicking game, they let D Coordinator Vic Fangio go off to Denver, leaving their success resting primarily on the shoulders of Michael Turdbiscut. Vicky F has been A-Rod’s Kryptonite since he was the DC in San Francisco. Now Vic is out of the Division and out of the Conference, good bye and good riddance. Secondly, in a nod to observing Ramadan with the Prophet Khalil, the Bears fasted through the first, second and sixth rounds of the draft and had four picks total. While Coach would have loved to have had Mack, all players are only one-play away from injury, and the Bears bet the house on that guy. #RickyWilliamsKilledNewOrleans That leaves Minneapolosers and Detoilet ... well, in the TowHead-Cities, Zimmer has worn out his welcome after inviting Cousins in to play 0.500 football. And the Lions are only one more panty raid away from getting the whole Coaching staff arrested. It’s a lock, the Pack will go 6-1 in the NFC Central. Packers 13-3 and a Coach guaranteed 14th Trophy in the Case! Chevon McNuggets – G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them So I wuz reflektin on da draft der, hey (tree gize from Texas dis year), and I gots ta tinkin bout headin down to Miami ta see my buddy Bob and drink beers, and I tought ... What were some udder Packers named Bob? What about LaFleur? Any uv dem? Nope. But LaFleur does mean flower, and der wuz a Bob Flowers from Texas, so I’ma gonna talkabout him, en so? Bob Flowers was a barrel-chested man who played college ball at Texas Tech before joining the Packers in 1942. That’s right – right smack in the middle of the big one. He played for the Packers, and only the Packers, from 1942 through 1949 – and was part of the NFL Championship team of 1944. Although #35 played both linebacker and center, he predominantly was known as a center, snapping the ball to Larry Craig and blocking for the likes of Tony Canadeo, Lou Brock (the running back, not the singer), Ted Frisch (the full back, not the guy I went to high school with that now works in a bowling alley) and Don Hutson (of Don Hutson Center fame). Bob was a typical 6’-1” tall center carrying 210 lbs on his frame. Not that far off from my buddy Bob, although those vitals would make them both a slow and slightly overweight safety in today’s game (sorry Bob). Bob Flowers was born in Big Spring, TX, and that’s where he died in 1962 – sadly, at the relatively young age of 45. And so Fleurs Robert, we salute you for being a world champion Green Bay Packer, having a great name, and being east of Odessa halfway down the road to Abeline.
Coach will be back for training camp before the regular season gets underway. Enjoy your summer and, as always -- keep your hooks sharp.
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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