Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! Before we get started this week, Coach would be remiss without acknowledging the passing of the greatest drummer of our lifetime, Neil Peart. He will be missed, but remembered forever. In Coach’s Humble Opinion: Women refs should be better looking. Remember when referees were overweight, elderly men? The joke was that they probably would suffer a heart attack running up and down the sidelines trying to keep up with the athletes on long pass plays. Now women are wearing the zebra stripes in NFL games – even in the playoffs, and they appear to be no better or worse than the old guys. Well, why not? After all, there really is no skill required to be an NFL referee these days (what, with instant replay on scores and turnovers, and the ability of coaches to challenge virtually any call). Even a chick can do it. That said, I’m still unsure how women refs got into the game. Did they offer some special skill set that attracted NFL brass? Well, if they’re here to stay, I say make them all hotties. …especially in the playoffs! That’s when ratings are the highest. Men (and approximately 5.1% of women) would stay glued to the set, hoping for perky referee sprints down the sidelines. NFL entertainment value and corresponding commercial revenues would probably experience a nice bounce, too. Imagine the referees actually being cheered when they run out onto the field! I would never miss a play. Roger Goodell has a golden opportunity at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show to introduce the hot female referees of the future during the halftime show with, oh, I don’t know … maybe a wet t-shirt contest(?)! It would be the perfect way to augment the J-Lo and Shakira performances in Miami …at least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme We won, we are 14-3 and in the NFC Championship. Stop Complaining. Coach knows that sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard or “we had a successful Season, so let’s build a sledding hill”. But let’s be honest, I guarantee that none among you predicted 14 wins. What you want to know, or should be wanting to know, is “can we win the Super Bowl?” and the related question of “if we play the Chiefs in a rematch of SB I, will somebody on TV say: ‘matriculating the ball down the field’?” With 100% certainty, Coach can predict that someone will quote/imitate Hank Stram…RIP. Coach just hopes that they are wearing a tie when it happens. (And if this paragraph makes no sense to you, then don’t embarrass yourself by admitting that out loud. Get a computer and Google “Who was Hank Stram”) And yes, Coach is sagacious and omniscient…just get over it… (you can Google those big words, too). At this point the only question you should be asking is: “are we good enough to win the SB?” The answer is “maybe, maybe not” … and Coach will help you prove “ya er no?” Coach knows that it’s only Game 17 and we can’t expect too much…but for F’s sake, we really don’t know how to get the right players on the field for the called play? The Defense was great earlier in the year and has really come on lately, but FFS, we can’t snag the gimme INT’s? It’s Game 17 and we’re giving directions to the backfield? Well hang-on, son… this was Jared Veldheer’s first start for the Packers, and actually is his only bad play of the game. At this point you probably expect Coach to point out that Valdheer is a retired veteran player who was in the Soldiers Fields stands watching the Packers beat the Bears on the opening night of the Season. But you are wrong, what Coach really wants to highlight is that Chester Marcol caught his own blocked FG and ran it in for a touchdown to score the go-ahead TD in a Packers 12-6 win over the Bears. The connection between the two games is that the Packers won the first game of the 1980 season and the 2019 season over the Bears…and that Chester and Jared both went to Hillsdale College. The fact that Alan Lazard now wear’s Marcol’s number 13 has to do with his equally awesome ability to catch the ball. Yes, this kind of extremely obscure Packer-knowledge is only available here, and on a future subscription-only service that Coach will startup in a few years when his current legal issues pass. Enough tangents for now. Of course, Coach really likes tangents and ridiculous arithmetic tricks, but we’re going to stay on-topic now. Don’t be distracted, but have you ever noticed that Coach favors hyphenations over compound words? Coach is fairly certain that only Miss Reed will take notice and correct it… …did you know that ending a sentence in a preposition is OK? Well if you didn’t, try it… Let’s matriculate our way to the positives of this game, things that matter. The Defense looks good! Yeah, the SeaTurds lost a couple of dozen running backs and signed Skittles-Boy off of the tequila-shots-bar a few weeks ago, but he is a legit NFL running back. So legit that he scored 2x against the Pack…but he was a non-entity when they needed him most. This series in the 1st Qtr featured 3 runs by Lynch that resulted in a 3-n-out and really showcased our D. Blake Martinez is leading the NFL in tackles-that-don’t-matter-5-yds-downfield, but in this case, WTF??? That’s a tackle in the hole man, that’s actually good. Fumble? No S*&T Sherlock. Live, from almost as many rows up as the original Lambeau Field had, it was obvious that it was a forced fumble and recovery by the Pack. It seems that the more the NFL tries to video tape, go slo-mo and legislate everything on the field, the further away they get from calling the game right. After about 10 minutes of discussion and video review, the NFL determined that:
Duh. Coach thinks he needs a Millennial to step in here and demonstrate the proper emoji for “WTF, you gotta be F&^%$&g kidding me” This play has to be Exhibit A in next Summer’s NFL Rules Committee meeting; prima facia evidence that replay should be eliminated until they replace the monkeys who review the plays with 5 guys in a bar. Yes, AR has been too focused on Davante Adams, but in this game, Adams was consistently getting free, and Rodgers was consistently finding him. Let’s get past the negatives and think about this observation for 7 nanoseconds. This is exactly what La Fleur was hired for. Dot. Period. (Note for the beleaguered reader who makes notes, please note that this is the first time all year that Coach has written “La Fleur” instead of “Petite Chat” or “Petite Fleur”. You should note that. Coach notes this because this game is the first evidence all year that La Fleur is actually getting Rodgers to play his game. If Rodgers actually checks his ego at the Locker Room Door, this team will be good for as long as Rodgers doesn’t screw the Salary Cap. Write that in your notes.) This week’s episode is notably light on statistics and charts that you, the loyal reader, has become accustomed to, and local beat reporters have relied on in times of writer’s block to plagiarize for Sunday’s paper. In their place you’ve been given a seemingly drunken rant, but don’t be too disappointed and kindly withhold judgement until after you’ve reached the picture portion of The Show!!!... WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up ABC To Broadcast Four-Hour Lecture On Toxic Masculinity To Compete With Super Bowl Miami, FL—In a bold competitive broadcasting maneuver, ABC has announced the network will air a four-hour lecture on the dangers of toxic masculinity during Fox’s airing of the Super Bowl, sources confirmed Monday. Various feminist experts will be featured in the exciting new annual event to teach men not to be horrible people. "Instead of watching men be a bad influence by throwing a ball around and competing to score points, we will have world-renowned feminists lecture all men on why they are so terrible," said feminist scholar Altoona Breth, who has a doctorate in patriarchial studies with an emphasis in virtue signaling. "We know lots of men might initially tune in to the Super Bowl, but after being inundated by patriarchial norms reinforced by all the tackling and physical exertion, they will surely change channels to follow our condescending feminist lectures." "It's the can't-miss event of the year," she added. The event is sponsored by Harper’s Bazaar and will be emceed by former 1st Lady and U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton. Numerous liberal corporations will fund the event with commercials that also lecture men on not being awful in order to sell their products. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof Bears guard Kyle Long ‘Stepping Away’ From Football CHICAGO—After only 7 years into his NFL career, 3-time ProBowl guard Kyle Long ironically cut his career “Short.” The Bears 2013 1st round draft pick announced via a tweet during Wild Card Weekend that he does not expect the Bears to ever make the playoffs and, as a result, will play no more. Long had one year left worth $9.6 million on his contract with Chicago. The son of Hall of Famer Howie Long and younger brother of Super Bowl champion Chris Long said “It’s only gonna cost me about nine million dollars to quit the Bears, which it totally worth it.” Kyle Long will now join his family on the couch, and perhaps on television like his dad, for the foreseeable future. Congratulations, Kyle, on getting out. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground For your convenience, we have summarized the College Football Championship for you: The Clemson Tigers surprised LSU with a strong start... But the LSU Tigers came back strong in their own right -- displaying much more talent, which gave them the victory. There now...I bet you forgot all about what Coach was ranting about earlier, didn't you? You're welcome. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Not that there's anything wrong with it... Coach wants to go on record castigating The Atlantic for propagating this kind of unwarranted assertion. We are all certain Jimmy is a very passive and accommodating young twink…who will gladly comply with the commands of his superiors. Coach is sure that after he attends to his meticulous personal grooming that Garoppolo will show up for his beating. Now let’s go positive and review the recent history of the Pack and Niners in the playoffs, the two teams that have met the most in the last 25 years of Post-Season play. Sunday’s NFC Championship Game at the Field of Jeans in Santa Clara will mark the eighth postseason meeting between the Packers and 49ers. Green Bay won four of the previous seven. Here’s a look at those seven: 1/6/96 at S.F.: Green Bay rolled 27-17 in this divisional-round game. Brett Favre went 21-for-28 for 299 yards and two TDs. And Coach was there… 1/4/97 at G.B.: The Packers dominated the divisional round game 35-14 en route to the Super Bowl title. It was George Seifert’s final game as the 49ers’ head coach. And Coach was there… 1/11/98: at S.F.: Green Bay won the NFC Championship Game 23-10, holding the 49ers to 33 yards rushing. Of particular note, both teams finished 13-3 , but the Niners had top seed and hosted the NFC Championship Game…yup, just like this year. 1/3/99: at S.F.: The 49ers won this dramatic wild-card game 30-27 on a 25-yard touchdown pass from Steve Young to Terrell Owens in the final seconds. Note: these are the only two games in the series that Coach did not personally attend. 1/13/02: at G.B.: The Packers won this wild-card matchup 25-15. The game was tied 15-15 early in the fourth quarter. And Coach was there… 1/12/13: at S.F.: The 49ers took this divisional-round game 45-31 on an average performance by Colin Kaepernick and a horrible performance by DC Capers and anyone who has played at any level above PeeWee FB. Our DL had only 1, sometimes 2, down-lineman and two outside LB. Behind them Capers played man-defense (D-backs were facing away from Colin-of-the-anthem-Kaepernick) allowing the douche-bag to run for 181 yards and two scores. And Coach was there... and actually got involved in an altercation on the bus to the downtown parking lot…I'll tell yooce gize 'bout that MF’er another time. 1/5/14: at G.B.: Phil Dawson’s 33-yard field goal on the final play gave the 49ers a 23-20 win at Lambeau Field in this wild-card game. Wait. What. Phil Dawson was still alive in 2014? Go figure. And Coach was there… So what should we feel confident about for a victory this time around? After two Seasons of absence, it turns out that Jimmy Graham is in fact alive. The next step in his training is walking while chewing gum, and Coach is extremely confident that he will pass this test! Zed Darius Smith was snubbed in all of the end-of-season all star voting. This was his chance to show up on a beach and perform acts of athleticism that absolutely no one cares about. Shame on them, Z-Dog is pissed-off and ready for post-season. While the D playing well is key (#9 scoring D), the offense has been the problem all year #14 scoring O). On the first Packers offensive play of the game Aaron Jones erupted!!! Does the play above look a little bit familiar? Perhaps the sketch below will help… Vincenzo Lombardi was a fanatic for detail and execution. That’s right folks, exactly 60 Seasons after Lombardi showed up in Green Bay, Matt LaFleur is running several of Lombardi’s plays, most especially the Packer Sweep. Have a good-close-look at both of the clips above…there is no difference. Obviously, there is no comparison to Lombardi…but, La Fleur went 13-3 (81%) vs. 7-5 (58%) for Lombardi in his first year…BUT…we are bigger, faster and more talented than we have ever been, which should be enough to bury them… Packers 24 49ers 20 Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Back in 1951, things were very different in the NFL and in Green Bay. Lambeau Field was not built yet and games were played at old City Stadium at East High School. That year, the Packers had the biggest player in the NFL, DE and OT Enrique (Ed) Ecker at 306 lb and 6’7”. He was a mountain of a man and scared the crap out of opposing QB’s. Undrafted out of small Jesuit John Carroll College in the Cleveland area, young Enrique started out with the Bears and then went to the Chicago Rockets for a year before coming up to Green Bay in 1951. While Enrique was the biggest player in the NFL, he otherwise did not make much of a name for himself on the gridiron. The only noteworthy event was in a 1951 game at Wrigley Field against the Bears. Ecker swapped places with RB Tony Canadeo for a 1 yard rumble into the end zone. Everyone thought Ditka was being so creative with the Fridge in 1985, but now you know where the idea comes from. Enrique parleyed his imposing frame after the NFL into a career as a character actor in Hollywood. He usually played a henchman for bad guys, like as a giant in the Peter Gunn TV series or the guy with bad dental work in a James Bond movie. Alas, being a giant on TV does not provide as of income as one might think, so Enrique worked nights until he retired at the local Ralph’s grocery store near his home in Van Nuys in order to make ends meet. One evening a patron dissatisfied with the elder Ecker’s bagging skills confronted him, and one thing led to another, which eventually led to fist-to-cuffs. The police were called and Sgt. Jerry Potter arrived to arrest the geriatric gentle giant on assault and criminal mischief charges.
Upon arrival Potter told Ecker he was under arrest and was going to jail. “I don’t remember his exact words, but he said something like, ‘I’m not going anywhere and you’re not taking me,’” Potter recalled. Police didn’t have a lot of options back then. Officers didn’t carry non-lethal options like stun guns and chemical spray, and Enrique might have just shrugged them off. Instead, Ecker and Potter talked. “I just explained to him, ‘You are under arrest, you do have to go over to the jail with us, but it’s not a big problem,’” Potter said. “‘Your manager can follow us, you’ll be released and it won’t even take that long.’” Enrique was compliant, but told Potter he wasn’t going to be handcuffed — largely because they didn’t make handcuffs in Ecker’s size! Potter had an answer for that, too: a set of leg shackles from the Los Angeles County Jail. “I’ll use them if you make me,” Potter said he told Enrique. “I said it in a joking manner and it got him laughing. When Enrique started belly laughing, it seemed like the whole room was shaking in an earthquake.” With the shackles on Enrique, officers moved him into the back of Potter’s Ford Crown Victoria police cruiser, which worked only because Potter’s car did not have the standard partition in it separating officers from those in custody. Still, Enrique fit awkwardly across the back seat, his head in one corner and his feet in the opposite corner. Potter and another officer, Jerry Zahner, took Enrique to the jail where he was booked, fingerprinted — on an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of paper since a standard card was too small — and released him after posting bail. “He was a big man,” Potter said. “But fortunately, he cooperated. ... Once we started talking and got to be friends, it went well.” Before Enrique left the jail, Zahner managed to snag a souvenir… “While he was there being fingerprinted and photographed, I politely asked him, ‘Would there be any chance I could get a whole handprint of yours, just because I don’t get to arrest a giant every day?’” Zahner said. “And he was more than obliging.” “I have an interesting story,” Potter said of the incident. “The shocking thing is every time somebody forces me to tell this story, somebody in the group or audience will say, ‘I remember that,’ even 30 years later.” Zahner is still with the Van Nuys Police Department, and he still has Enrique Ecker’s hand print.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
Categories |