Welcome to 2018. As fate would have it, Beelzebub himself has arranged for this year’s NFL draft revenue to funnel into the pockets of Jerry Jones while ESPN-generated rock star-esque intros of 22-year old football recruits unfold on the jumbotron hanging from AT&T stadium in Arlington, Texas. BTW, how is AT&T even a company anymore? Is someone out there still actually using DSL to “dial up” to the internet? But I digress… Apparently the NFL did not heed Coach’s warning in Week 17 of last year. The NFL Network (under direction of – you guessed it, Jerry Jones) aired “Dez Bryant Classics” on the very day of his release from the Cowboys to remind the shallowest of NFL fans of Dez’s greatness. If the NFL believes its fan base gives a flying fark about Dez Bryant’s career, then those media moguls and lawyers posing as football executives are headed for the woeful demise that XFL / Alpha Entertainment owner Vince McMahon is banking on. Lest we forget a truly great receiver, Super Bowl champion, multiple All-Pro selection, Comeback Player of the Year, and recognized all-around standup good guy / model citizen, Jordy Nelson, was also released by his team this year – but received no such film focus by the NFL. Well, on a more positive note, things couldn’t be much more exciting as we get ready for the 100th edition of the Green Bay Packers team. On baited breath, we all waited until early April for a look at this year’s preseason schedule! Pretty much the usual suspects...Kansas City, da Raiders, Steelers and Titans. Let’s just hope Packers Pre-Season TV brings back hottie sideline reporter (and former Miss Kansas Teen USA, and daughter of pre-season play-by-play TV announcer - Kevin, and grand-daughter of 20-years tenured Packers CEO - Bob), Olivia Harlan! Now, after just learning the regular season schedule and knowing who’s coming to Lambeau this year, we can finally get on with the draft!!! Create a seam here – X’s and O’s about the game or a scheme Gutekunst his own man, likely to use multiple picks on PAC-12 players declaring early INDIANAPOLIS—In a rare 1-on-1 interview at the 2018 NFL Combine with the man in charge of Packers conversion to hardware version 100.0, Coach was able to get the skinny on Brian Gutekunst’s fresh approach to this year’s draft. “Well, there’s a new sheriff in town…” boasted the 44-year old Raleigh, NC native and UW-LaX alum. “Of course I respect Ted and appreciate all he’s done for the Packers, but to be honest if he’d have taken my advice more often, his obvious mistakes could have been avoided. Draft-and-develop will always be a staple of what we do here, but going forward there will be much more emphasis on using high draft picks to select quick-twitch basketball players with limited football experience, and on taking Juniors leaving PAC-12 schools early. ...Particularly on the defensive side of the ball, where we feel we can convert linemen and safeties into playing positions that they’re unfamiliar with and put them in situations where they will have to cover fast receivers.” 2018 will be the perfect opportunity for Gutekunst to showcase what he can do, as the Packers have a whopping 27 picks in this year’s draft. “It’s especially helpful this year, now that we can trade our numerous compensatory picks for more guys in later rounds. I really like those feel-good story guys — you know, like the deaf kid who doesn’t know when the play is over, or the kicker with webbed-toes. I love watching those types of stories on ESPN with the hot female reporters like Jenn Brown, Allie LaForce, and Molly McGrath. You can never have enough of those guys on your roster when it’s really hot and sweaty in August.” Coach Clarahanson’s college football prospect insider Geraldo Sosallo, Jr enthusiastically supports Gute’s approach, suggesting that Thompson’s formula was based on theory that never translated well to the gridiron. “The Packers need to reach for a Mensa-level undersized 20 year-old linebacker from Stanford that really likes football and is a student of the game. The kinda guy that might go on to be a star pusher in the 2022 Beijing two-man bobsled.” New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day and Rodgers’ Skyrocketing Value Hobart,WI—Shedding new light on the veteran’s mystifying allure to envious GM’s throughout the League, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the enchanting Aaron Rodgers growing ever more difficult to keep in Green Bay amidst $30 million per year guaranteed contracts to blokes like Kirk Cousins and Sam Bradford. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Aaron’s ethereal attractiveness waxes ever more captivating with the breaking of each new dawn,” said lead scientist Dr. Amanda Bacordey, adding that substantial data also indicate the dominant buck’s radiance suffuses the room, daring to match the warmth and radiance of the very sun itself; yet unlike the sun, blessed Aaron is never dimmed by clouds, nor does he depart for half the day, but abides with team staff through all hours, whether those are spent by his side in reverent wakefulness during film study or in Elysium dreaming of harnessing his sweet arm strength. “Furthermore, our observations suggest a causal relationship between light—starlight, moonlight, candlelight, the light source doesn’t seem to matter—striking dear Aaron’s exquisite blue eyes, and anyone observing the phenomenon falling hopelessly, helplessly, breathlessly, forever in love.” A forlorn Bacordey added that there is likely a link between Aaron’s ever-growing rugged good looks, be it with or without facial hair, and the legions of the broken-hearted defenders strewn about the back of end zones like so many fallen leaves in autumn. The Bears still suck – the Coach has proof Excitement Shifts To Concern After New Coach Brings Baked Goods to Pre-Draft Staff Meetings For Fourth Consecutive Day CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, assistants of new Bears head coach Matt Nagy told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their leader brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find Matt’s freshly baked treats waiting for me, but after several days of this, you have to wonder if everything’s okay,” said Offensive Coordinator Mark Helfrich, adding that he had been thrilled to see a tray of cookies sitting in the break room but has slowly grown more worried as brownies, cupcakes, pies, tortes, strudel, and rugelach subsequently appeared. “I tried asking him if this was from some big party he had recently, and all he said was, ‘No, I just wanted to make them.’ It’s certainly nice of him to do this, but, man, this can’t be a good sign, right?” At press time, Nagy’s staff grew even more alarmed upon receiving an email asking if anyone was vegetarian so he would know what type of lasagna to bring in for lunch tomorrow. WTF – the Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who praised the venue’s large, well-placed LED screens that made it easy to follow to the action while doubled over vomiting from any direction. “I thought the new Giants’ stadium was a pretty nice place to hurl, but I’ve never barfed all over cleaner, more modern bathrooms. Plus, there are tons of amazing bars and restaurants to pass out in. Viking fans are so lucky they get to puke here every home game.” Fernley also praised the convenience of using the stadium’s app to find a great hoagie, which he later retched after the game. Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City MINNEAPOLIS— Doing a reconnaissance of sorts in preparation for the city of Las Vegas’ Super Bowl bid, Las Vegas Raiders, Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Prestige Worldwide Entertainment, LLC) was aghast to learn of the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest in Minneapolis following Super Bowl LII. Local residents reported feelings of shock and dismay that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture the area has to offer. “My colleagues tell me there were no crowds whatsoever at the American Swedish Institute, local merchants said attendance was actually down at the Mall of America, and the parks department was confounded that few if any people had toured our many impressive local bodies of water,” said Minneapolis Sculpture Garden curator Lukas Svensson, who was forced to send most of his staff home the Monday immediately following Super Bowl LII when droves of awestruck visitors from across the nation inexplicably failed to appear. “I personally can’t understand why no one wanted to see our sculpture of a big spoon with a cherry perched jauntily on top, unless the 8-degree weather had something to do with it.” Civic leaders were reportedly not surprised whatsoever upon being told that the situation was identical in St. Paul, which they described as “a frozen, passive-aggressive suburb of Minneapolis made up of alternating churches and bars.” In a related saga, TMZ has recently released audio tape of a noticeably inebriated Lombardi Trophy in a Philadelphia underground after-hours club, slurring gladly to Lord Stanley’s cup that it will never have to go back to Minnesota again. Utah Preparing to Litigate If New Packers GM Fails to Draft from Beehive State SALT LAKE CITY—Along with the noticeable absence of Ted Thomson in the 2018 Packers draft meetings, there are gaping holes on the team’s draft board where Ted usually inserts the names of players hailing from the state of Utah. At the OTA’s opening press conference, new General Manager Brian Gutekunst told media reporters “This year we’re taking a different approach. Instead of selecting a player from Logan or Provo in every other round, we’ve decided to limit our total number of newbies from the state of Utah to a max of two, and those will only be undrafted free agent considerations.” Utah State chancellor Hedly Lammar claims the Packers are colluding with the NFL to force players from the Beehive State into the newly forming XFL, which is rumored to be targeting Mormons in order to fulfill its promise that no felons will be playing in their league. No official word yet from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell regarding his plea to Washington lawmakers to remove polygamy from the list of crimes considered a felony. Udder Stuff – commentary from the Badger Underground Former Badgers Headed for Green Bay MADISON—Badger football fans should anticipate several mid to late round picks materializing in this year’s draft. The most notable surprise is the late entry of Alex Hornibrook into the NFL draft. Following up on his flawless performance against the gold-toothed, gold chained cocaine cowboys of Miami, Hornibrook spent the spring practices lighting up freshman Badgers D-backs in the McClain Practice Facility. Hornibrook declared earlier this week “I’ve really got nothing left to prove. Yeah, I could hang around another year at Wisconsin and put up 45 points a game behind a 2-deep offensive line, three elite receivers and a Heisman contending tailback, but it’s time to move on.” Despite Adam Shefter, John Clayton and Jay Glazer all having Hornibrook projected as a 6th round pick, the Chicago Bears are said to be locked onto him with the 8th overall pick this year. Bears GM Ryan Pace said “We’re not used to picking this late, and if Hornibrook is still on the board when it’s our turn we’re definitely taking him. I may have even talked Tampa into trading their number 7 pick to us for our number 8, plus our 2nd rounder this year and next so, well, I don’t want to show our hand too much … you’ll just have to watch what happens.” Badger Underground has inside information regarding Packers interest in former Badgers, and projects Nick Nelson to be picked by the Green & Gold in the 3rd round with the 101st pick. The all-Big Ten CB stock rose briefly during the combine/pro day with a fast 40-yd dash time, followed by a torn meniscus causing his stock to fall. Generally, he was a lock-down cover guy, but somehow managed not to record an INT in three years as a starter. With muggings being spot fouls in the NFL, one cannot overlook the handful of bailout 15-yard muggings that he committed last season or the muggings that were not called, #RichardSherman. Projected to Green Bay with the 172nd pick in the fifth round is Troy Fumagalli. His stock was hurt by a groin/sports hernia injury that limited his snaps during the second half of the season. The closest comparable is Richard Rogers, who possessed very good hands but lacked speed. Since the Packers seem to be in the mode of cutting receivers & DB’s without a backup plan while going cheap, Fumagalli would make a good backfill. With the 207th pick in the 6th round, the Packers will select Leon Jacobs. As he possesses the combine metrics of great speed and high bench press reps, Jacobs has a great deal of upside. Having switched positions a number of times, missed a year with a broken foot and didn’t break the starting lineup until Watt & Biegel graduated, Jacobs was not on scouts’ radar screens coming into the season. Leon will be the sleeper in this year’s draft. The Pack will take Jack Cichy with the 232nd pick in the 7th round. A torn pectoral wiped out the second half of a monster season in 2016, and a torn ACL wiped out all of 2017, so Cichy is yet another Badgers defensive IR risk. Incredible upside and a take-no-prisoners approach to his game, he would represent a pleasant departure from the type of linebacker that the Packers have drafted too frequently since 2009. *****When healthy, this guy is a beast! With the 239th pick in the 7th round, the Packers select Garrett Dooley. Simply put, GD just kept filling the box score with high tackle numbers since replacing Jack Cichy midway through the 2016 season. Being the 4th Badger selected by the Packers from that #1 NCAA defense last year, Green Bay’s defense is sure to crack the top ten this year. Pack your bags for Atlanta. Michigan State Officials Confident They Have Plan In Place For Next Time Doctor Sexually Assaults 156 Children East Lansing, MI—Tired of being cast as the University of Michigan’s “little brother,” Michigan State has long sought after an interschool rivalry on par with the tradition of Wolverines v. Buckeyes. This time, though, they might have gone too far. “It’s a classic copycat crime” said Abraham Gruber, personal lawyer of former Penn State football coaching assistant Jerry Sandusky. “Michigan State always believed that being the only other ‘State’ named school besides Ohio State gave them real appeal to Big Ten academic hopefuls, but ever since Penn State joined the conference, the Spartans have been trying to one-up the Nittany Lions at just about everything. We received a LOT of media attention when our football program had coaches get caught red handed in the showers with a few wayward young boys, so now THEY had to hire an Olympic gymnastics doctor that abused hundreds of young girls. Why is everything such a competition with them?” “We blew it” said Dak Blistur, interim dean of the university. There’s no reason we should have got caught. Something like this is fairly easy to keep from the public at large. Well, certainly for at least a couple hundred times anyway, and, for that – on behalf of the school, I apologize.” Sparty was wise to move much of the school’s freezable assets to offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands before distracted FBI officials could get warrants to seize most staff computers, something the school is particularly proud of. “We’ll bounce back from this” said a cautiously optimistic Blistur, “whether you like it or not.” We’re gonna kick you’re a$$ – predictions for the upcoming game Aside from the draft, Coach thought it might be fun to remind everyone of another reason why the Packers are destined to win the NFC Norris again this year (barring any dirty / illegal plays that put Aaron Rodgers on the PUP list): the inevitable ineptitude of our divisional foes to hit on free agents. Here are some classics from the past and predictions for 2018… Detroit Lions – QB Scott Mitchell (1994). After backing up Dan Marino in Miami and going 3-4 in 7 starts for the Dolphins in 1993, the Lions saw Mitchell as the final piece to an explosive attack featuring Barry Sanders and Herman Moore. But – he sucked. His 4-years / $21 Million contract is one of the worst deals of all time. He lost his job to Charlie Batch, for crypes sake! Coach’s prediction: this year’s Lions free agent bust will be LaGarrette Blount (RB). Why? Obviously, it’s because he’s the only recognizable free agent name signed by the Lions in 2018 that could be considered a bust. The Lions pretty much re-signed their own guys (yay!) or picked up scraps from other teams that were looking to improve those positions. No real threat from the Lions this year in the free agency wars. Chicago Bears – WR Sam Hurd (2011). Never hurd of him (sorry)? Why not Mike Glennon’s guaranteed $18.5 million, and then waiving him in the offseason? Hey, this is the Bears we’re talking about … picking their worst free agent signing is like trying to find a drop of water in Lake Michigan. Sam Hurd actually became a convicted criminal after signing with the Bears for $5.15 million! In his first season, he was arrested on federal drug charges when caught in a sting trying to purchase drugs from a supplier in Texas. No big deal? He could play for the Seahawks, or Broncos, or Patriots you say, and not even be charged? I’m not talking about a dime-bag here. Hurd wanted 10 kilos of cocaine and half-ton of marijuana per week. He is currently serving a 15-year sentence in a Texas prison. Coach’s prediction: this year’s Bears free agent bust will be WR Allen Robinson (3-years, $45 million). Robinson tore his ACL at the beginning of the season last year and hasn’t played since. He might not even be ready for this year’s opener. When he does get on the field, he will come to realize that it’s true what people say, “It takes 2 years to recover from an ACL tear, and the Bears still suck.” Robinson will become apathetic on a winless team with a shitty quarterback by the time he gets his legs back. Minnesota Vikings – CB Fred Smoot (2005). Smoot infamously claimed “2/3 of the world is covered by water. The other 1/3 is covered by Fred Smoot.” None of that is true, but this is: he signed a 6-year $34 million deal, but only started 22 games. Smoot was more prominently known for his trouble ON the water … he organized the infamous “Love Boat” scandal that turned the Vikings into a national punch line, and led to Smoot pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance on a watercraft. The Vikings cut bait after just 2 seasons. Coach’s prediction: this year’s Vikings free agent bust will be Kirk Cousins. No QB that goes 0-2 in their entire playoff career is worth $87 million guaranteed, right Tony Romo? Cousins is a bottom-to-mid-tier (at best) QB and this signing will go down as the single most detrimental contract to the Vikings organization … even worse than the Herschel Walker signing, or hiring Mike Tice as head coach. JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them Do you know who took over leadership of the Packers AFTER Curly Lambeau? Most folks never knew or forgot, and maybe for good reason… Gene Ronzani wasn’t very successful as the Packers 2nd head coach (and General Manager) from 1950-1953, but he had a bigger impact on the franchise than what his 14-31-1 record reveals. The Iron Mountain, MI native changed the team uniform colors from the blue/gold Notre Dame knockoffs to the green and gold scheme that still reigns on the tundra today. And he was the first to allow African Americans into the Packers lineup, despite overt discontent voiced by many local Neanderthals of that epoch. Also noteworthy of Ronzani’s legacy is that he is credited with hiring a scout named Jack Vainisi, who discovered the likes of Jim Ringo, Ray Nitschke, Forrest Gregg, Bart Starr, Paul Hornung and Jim Taylor. Not too shabby. But, of course, there’s more nuggets the deeper we dig… Jack Vainisi had a younger brother in football, too – Jerry. And as any red blooded American knows, if you have 2 boys – 1 of them named Jack and the other named Jerry, Jerry will be loser. In August of 1983, Jerry “the Fairy” Vainisi became General Manager of the Chicago Bears. The Bears hired Jerry because his brother Jack was credited with bringing in the talent, as well as head coach Vince Lombardi, that led to the glory years in Green Bay (even though no reasonable person should extrapolate sibling relations to such a foolish conclusion). You might say “Wait a minute, isn’t Jerry then responsible for assembling that powerhouse 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle team?” and the answer would be “No, that was Jim Finks.” Jerry dismantled that talented team which otherwise should have ruled as an NFL dynasty until Ron Wolf came to Green Bay. Not only did he suck the talent out of Chicago like the NAFTA deal sending jobs down to Mexico, he also was responsible for removing the Honey Bears cheer-leading squad, suggesting that they could be replaced by a high school marching band. After being fired by the Bears in 1986, Jerry Vainisi was hired as Detroit’s VP of player personnel. He was hell bent on drafting local roid-boy Tony Manderich, but when the Packers scooped up the MSU behemoth Tackle with the 2nd overall pick, Vainisi was forced to fill his running back need with the #3 pick, taking Heisman trophy winner Barry Sanders -- and couldn't surround him with enough talent to win more than 1 playoff game. Jerry eventually left Detroit to create and head the football operations of what became NFL Europe … another colossal failure. No surprise, in 2010 Jerry Vainisi was inducted into the Chicagoland Sports hall of Fame. What a joke that city is; in essence, honoring a complete failure with the Bears because his brother was great Packers talent scout. Time to crack open a Billy Beer. See ya after the "draft"
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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