Welcome back to The Coach Clarahanson Show!!! In Coach’s Humble Opinion: NFL should invoke the Madden Rule NFL officiating might be the downfall of the League. It’s not like the refs are any worse now than in years past, in all honesty they are at least as good as they’ve ever been. The problem is, well, they’re humans. To the rescue: Technology! We can see how bad some calls are thanks to INSTANT REPLAY. So, all we had to do was use instant replay whenever a call appears questionable in order to get the call right. Right? Only the NFL could screw this up. It’s not that refs are terrible (well, yes, some are, but that’s never going to change), it’s that the rules and their interpretations are getting too complicated – like they were drafted by employment lawyers or something (you know, like “technically” you’re no longer supposed to rub a female colleague on the shoulders and sniff her hair). My whole life I knew what catching a football was. Then, thanks to instant replay and the ability to question things in super slow motion, the NFL “better defined” what a catch was in order to clarify what a ref should call. Now nobody knows what a catch is. Last year an abhorrent non-call in New Orleans made pass interference replay-worthy. Now that “improvement” has become this year’s albatross around the neck of the League (yes, Coach reads 18th century works by English poets … or he listens to Iron Maiden … you decide). We need to make this situation better before the NFL rules committee makes it even more difficult to enjoy football games. The good news is, it’s really not that difficult. Hey, NFL Rules Committee, it’s time to adopt John Madden’s replay rule. “If 5 guys in a bar agree it’s a catch, then it’s a catch.” If they don’t, the call on the field stands. Same goes for PI. The hard part might be finding five unbiased football fans in a bar for the 2 teams playing, but it’s not impossible. I’m sure me and the 2 others on both sides of me down at the Legion could be impartial for a Bengals v. Colts matchup on Sunday after church. What? Take instant replay power out of the hands of a retired referee on standby in New York? Yep. Blasphemy! Maybe. …But, hey, Trump became President despite accepted norms and that shitshow is turning out ok, so I say we should give the Madden Rule a try. It would make football great again! …At least, in my humble opinion. Create A Seam Here – X’s & O’s about the game or a scheme Complimentary Football is nirvana. It’s the Holy Grail, it’s Mecca, where all three phases, Offense, Defense and Special Teams, work perfectly together to deliver a perfect game. It’s the perfection that Hoody chases every week. Coach is just overwhelmed and brought to tears by last week’s game. For the first time ever, the first time in 100 seasons, the Packers achieved an ideal state of Zen on the field of play…the Packers played an absolutely flawless game of Complimentary Football against the San Angeles Bolts. When asked how he felt after the game, team leader and erstwhile Quarterback, Mr. Rodgers, said he felt an odd sense of fulfillment. “Well, it’s something I’ve been looking for, you know? I have to say I’m a little sore, but I guess that to be expected. I finally worked up the nerve to really go for it and here we are.” When asked about his team’s execution in his post-game press conference, Packer’s Coach Petite Fleur responded: “I’m for it! All three phases of the team played a game so shitty that it is impossible to imagine a more perfect game. We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” With all the mystery surrounding how the team achieved perfection during a home game at Lambeau West, Coach did some sleuthing to try to find the magic elixir the Packers were consuming…. Packers lead Picador, Cam Bactrain, attributed the flawless outcome to the extra practice time the team was able to put in after the Petite Fleur had the team spend the entire week in California. “Coach told us that we should focus on eliminating any aches, pains and bad thoughts by working to stimulate inhibitory effects of GABA on our neurotransmitters.” He went on to say, “I’m particularly happy they brought in Yogi Shannon to help us with the training needed to achieve a perfect state of cerebral hypoxia. She and I deeply connected throughout the week and I think the benefits were obvious on the field today.” It just goes to show, that when this team really concentrates, they can achieve any goal. OK, let’s dive in and take a closer look at perfection… The importance of Special Teams is often overlooked, but Coach is gonna give’em the credit they deserve today. Let’s start by giving a shout out to the Packers Punt Return Team. We are the only team in the entire NFL that has achieved a negative return average!! Yes, we’re the No. 1 overall team for ridiculously bad punt returns, with an average of -1.3 yards per return!! But let’s not look past the NFL’s 4th and 5th worst Kickoff Units. Our KO Coverage is at #28 with an opponent’s 27.7 yards per return and KO Return team is #29, averaging 18.8 yards per return. An average NFL game has about 5 KO’s for each team, so on average the 2019 Packers give up 100 “hidden yards” just on Kickoffs. Now that isn’t that cool! We are number 1 in the NFL with the highest, number of hidden yards lost in the kickoff/kickoff-return game!! That had the ST gathering around the Packers ST Coach to discuss punts. Wait, who is the ST Coach? Coach had to Google it to refresh his memory… …turns out even Google doesn’t know who it is… …anyway the Packers Special Teams Coach is Shawn Meningitis, and he had just the perfect play dialed up... …Bolts Tranquill rookie, Drue, schooled B.J. Goodson and blocked JK Scott’s punt. The Bolts got the ball at the 27-yard line and Melvin Gordon strolled into the endzone six plays later for a 19-0 lead. Then with 10 ½ minutes left in the game, San Angeles’ kicked a 19-yard field goal from the 1. But, “Who, me? I never have more than one penalty per quarter”, Tony Brown, was offsides on the play. The Chargers took the points off the board and had Gordon dive in for his 2nd TD and a 26-3 LaLa lead. The game was over when the team arrived DOA in California, but Wayne pulled out his dagger to make it official. Special Teams role in the disaster? Check! No question! ST exceeded all expectations in achieving Complimentary Football! Normally Coach-of-the-Year goes to a Head Coach, but let’s just say that Coach Meningitis has a real shot at serious consideration this year. ...But let’s not leave out the Offense! After the several weeks of steady improvement, reaching the #7 overall NFL ranking in points/gm scored, we sucked a big one and dropped back to No.13. The level of scoring where typically see an 8-8 team…just sayin’. Mr. Beluga is seen here playing his right-side Picador role to perfection, providing a bit of distraction and a jab or two while ultimately directing the bull to the Matador. But Beluga was not alone in contributing an offensive performance. Most of the offense stayed at the hotel on Sunday reading their press clippings instead of going to the stadium. In the first half the Packers had 3 drives, ran 18 plays, gained 50 yards, had 3 false starts and a delay of game penalty, which resulted in average of 2.8 yards per play. For perspective, the Jets have the lowest average in the NFL at 4.0 yards per play. The Chargers had 4 drives, ran 38 plays and kept the ball for 18:14 to our 11:46. One of the most anemic offense in the league coming into the game, the Angelenos averaged 6.6 yards per play in the first half, the same average as the #2 Chiefs. The only reason it wasn’t a blow out by halftime was the Bolts had 3 self-inflicted penalties for 25 yards. Bend but don’t break Defense? BS. Wayne should have declared “dagger” at the half. Last, and most definitely least-and-getting-worse, la falta de Defensa. It’s been a steady drip, drip, drip of decline all year, with new fissures exposed every week by mediocre teams. We went from being the No. 1 scoring defense after Wk1 to the No. 11 scoring defense and steadily dropping after Wk 9. Teams are just feasting on the Packers’ anemic run defense (below - yards/carry, total rushing yards, how it ranks this year): MN – Dalvin Cook – 7.7/154 yard/Best of Year PHI – Jordon Howard – 5.8/87/ 2nd highest of year OAK – Josh Jacobs – 5.9/124/Best of year Bolts – Team – 4.2 /159 / Best of year And Preseason Favorite defender and prima donna Jaire Alexander is floundering, picked-on again in LA. He gambled and lost on a pass to Williams in the first half, which turned into a 56-yard gain. Then late in the third quarter, Rivers hit Williams for a 46-yard completion against Alexander. But more importantly, we got gashed again by a TE, this time Hunter Henry. Watch the GIF closely, at the line of scrimmage Will Redmond is lined up over Henry and pre-snap he points to the middle (signaling to “somebody” to cover him). Normally the “somebody” is an LB or Safety, but when Henry gets to the middle of the field Martinez also points to the middle so that “somebody” will cover him. Confusion with the scheme? Really looks like it…obviously Martinez chases with his club hand and it looks like his fault for the busted coverage, and maybe it is, but clearly the D is not coordinated. "But Coach can’t we put in Oren Burks?" (3rd Rnd LB in 2018). Nope, he only got 8 snaps and clearly is not trusted by the Coaches. "Or what about Josh Jackson?" (2nd Rnd S/CB in 2018). Nope, he wasn’t even active. Coaches can’t find anything that he’s good enough at to activate him for games. Mike Poutine is a really creative guy. As you can see in the chart above, prepared by Ioppolo Sports Information Services (ISIS), Poutine has run a wide variety of formations. The chart is ordered in the number of DL & LB’s (9/8/7/6/5/4) vs. DB’s (2/3/4/5,6/7). A quick scan down the yards/carry column in the middle reveals…we suck at run defense in every formation. If you go back to every one of the previous editions of The Show!!!, you will see GIF’s of the DL standing up and getting gashed. Football is hitting, and in line play the low man wins. You can hear every junior high school football coach everywhere preaching that every August. ISIS -- a wholly subsidized minority-owned global partner of The Coach Clarahanson Show!!!, using their proprietary methodology (under review for purchase by Pro Football Focus), has determined how each individual is playing on D: The last column gives an all over grade for defensive play. The scary part is that everyone at the bottom of the chart is the heart of the Defense. No wonder we are getting gashed in the run game and by tight ends. WTF – Coach’s take on football news that’s messed up Radio Caller Reports Old Player Honored On Field Always Choked in Playoffs HOUSTON—Repeatedly pointing out the 71-year-old former Oilers quarterback was only good when it did not count, sports talk radio caller Brad Ameson reported Sunday that Dan Pastorini always choked in the playoffs. “People are acting like he was some all-time great; he was decent, but he always lost steam whenever it came to securing championships,” said Ameson, 58, noting that while the Houston Sports Hall of Fame inductee may have helped in a few playoff runs, he was also the reason for never making it to the Super Bowl. “I’m all for taking a moment to recognize those who came before us, and I know he was the team’s all-time passing leader, but he never showed up when it mattered. What ever happened to winning games? Ameson added that if he was truly great he would have been tough enough to take all those hits and not be in a wheelchair today. The Bears Still Suck – Coach has proof PHILADELPHIA— In August, when most of Chicago was living in the alternate reality of the Bears being a Super Bowl contender, the schedule’s midseason game against the Eagles looked like just another stop on their worldwide victory tour, undoubtedly avenging their playoff loss from last season with a statement win and marching down destiny’s path to Miami. One thing their fans always forget, though, is that the Bears still suck, and in a season in which the Bears repeatedly have hit what they thought was rock bottom, they’ve found even more room to plummet. The Bears lost their fourth in a row, 22-14, collapsing on both sides of the ball. The Eagles often made the Bears’ high-priced defense look ordinary and didn’t give the Bears’ offense an inch in the 1st half — almost literally — resulting in Chicago’s worst first half in the modern era. It reached a point where punting on third down would have been reasonable. Bears fans, don’t blame Trubisky. Sure, he was 6-for-13 for 24 yards and a passer rating of 53 at halftime, and he finished with only 10 completions (the NFL’s third-fewest this season) … It’s not his fault he was drafted before Mahomes and Watson, or trading away numerous picks in the process (#49ersUndefeatedThanksBears) … the Bears personnel staff are incompetent morons. If he was taken where he should have been, in the 6th round, Trubisky might have developed nicely into a clipboard carrying backup for 3-4 years, and then blossomed into an above-average starter in the CFL. Turning to the Bears’ wisest veteran for comment following the loss in Philly, reporters were told by safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix: “We gotta play every game like it’s the playoffs. We’re in the playoffs now. If we want to go to the playoffs, we’re fitting to see what we’ve got right now.” Despite the linguistic debauchery of that statement, the Bears can cling to such delirium until mathematical elimination; meanwhile, everyone else in Chicago has already given up. Udder Stuff – Commentary from the Badger Underground Rivalry Game—Hawgeyes invade Camp Randall With one of the crappiest two-game stretches of the Alvarez era plus a bye week to stew about it now behind us, Bucky has a run of games where they will likely be favored, but will be tested. They are 9-point favorites this Saturday. Wisconsin matches up well with Iowa in that Iowa lacks playmakers on offense. Gone to the NFL as high picks are their two tight ends. Their QB Nate Stanley has a 50 caliber rifle for an arm, racks up yards (leading the conference) and moves the ball well between the twenty yard lines, but takes a lot of sacks and hoists up some pick opportunities. The running game has difficulty generating yards, ranking #9 in the conference. Provided we get back to playing defense like we did prior to the end of the Illinois game, chances are good that we can hold Iowa to 14 points or fewer on offense. Iowa does not possess the speed and offensive weapons that Illinois and Ohio State used to wear down and put up points on our defense. Expect our offense to struggle similarly against Iowa’s outstanding 4-3 defense. Their gap discipline is comparable to what we saw from Northwestern. AJ Epenesa is one of the best 4-3 defensive ends in the country. Badgers tackles Van Lanen and Bruss need to bounce back from their turnstile pass protection vs. Ohio State’s Chase Young. We expect that to be the case as Ohio State was their only bad game this season. The same cannot be expected for run blocking between the tackles. Every game since Northwestern has been a disappointment. Iowa does not need to sell out to take away our run game like other teams have. They may give us the short passes in the flat, but will limit yards after catch like Northwestern did. We will be in trouble if we turn the ball over and allow Iowa’s defense to score touchdowns. Over the last 12 years, our games with Iowa have been tight, physical defensive grinders with the difference being the Badgers having an offensive playmaker that Iowa lacked—Montee Ball, James White, Melvin Gordon… Last year, Paul Chryst employed a few new offensive wrinkles (end around to FB Ingold with 30 seconds left in the game) that were key to beating Iowa 28-17 at Kinnick. A 2nd half pick thrown by Stanley was also a game changer in a tight game. In the last three meetings, Wisconsin has had success throwing downfield to tight ends or over the middle on slants. Except for Ferguson replacing Fumagalli at TE, Wisconsin has had the same receivers on the field. Wisconsin has enjoyed recent success (6-1) vs. Iowa because they have brought their “A” game. The one exception was the 2015 game during which Joel Stave fumbled at the goal line late at Camp Randall as we were going in for the go-ahead score. Iowa ended up in the Big Ten championship that year. Provided someone else (Ped State) beats Minnesota, either Wisconsin or Iowa could win the Big Ten West by winning out. Wisconsin leads the all-time series 37-34-1. From 1977 to 1996, Wisconsin went twenty years without beating Hayden Frye & the Hawkeyes. This Saturday’s for the old guys who had many autumn Saturdays ruined at the hands of this guy. Bucky 21, Iowa 10. We’re Gonna Kick Your @$$ – predictions for the upcoming game The Pack first met and beat the Panthers in the NFC Championship for the 1996 Season (Jan. 12th, 1997), on their way to winning Super Bowl XXXI. Since then it’s been fairly even, with Packers leading the series 8-6. Two of those losses are pretty instructive coming into this weekend, the Packers first loss to the Panthers and the “Brad Hoover Game”. The Packers led the all-time series 3-0 and were at 7-5 going into their game on Dec. 12th, 1999. The Packers were up 31-27 late in the 4th and let journeyman hack Steve Beuerlein march the length of the field. On 4th and goal at the Packers 5-yard line with 5 seconds left on the clock, the immobile Beuerlein spread out the field and hobbled into the endzone for the walk-off win. The lesson? Beware the washed-up journeyman, which this week will be Panthers’ TE Greg Olson. The other lesson? Beware the rookie you ignore. All eyes will be on Christian McCaffrey (more below), but everybody on an NFL roster can be good. In week 13 of the 2000 season, the Packers played the Panthers on MNF, and the focus of the game was the Packers reunion with Reggie White under rookie Head Coach – Mike Sherman. But playing in the same game was also the stiff, immobile, undrafted, unknown and unproven rookie FB/RB Brad Hoover. Carolina’s rookie back ran wild all over Green Bay’s defense for 117 rushing yards and led them to a 31-14 win. Carolina comes to Lambeau this week with a 5-3 record and are an up-and-down team. The big news though, is that they are 5-1 since Cam Newton went out and the 2018 Undrafted-Free-Agent Kyle Allen took over. He’s got a passer rating of 87.8 and the Panthers now have the No. 10 Scoring Offense. While Kyle Allen has been a nice surprise for the Charlotte Cats, the real news is Christian McCaffrey. McCaffrey is legitimately in the discussion for MVP. Through 8 games he has 1244 yards on 207 touches (881 rushing, 363 receiving, 13 TD’s). But the Packers get back safety Ibraheim Campbell! Who? Well, he was playing very well last year before he tore his ACL, and he’s coming back from the PUP list this week. I’m sure he will help, but the real reason we win is, we have to. In an "everybody pulls their heads out of their posteriors and kick’s a southern team’s butt in a cold weather game" win: Packers 35 Charlotte Cats 20 Why not, right? Chevon McNuggets - G.O.A.T. facts to chew on JB – Packers you forgot about, but stories you’ll remember about them This week Coach offers a “Where Are They Now?” feature interview with a former Packers player that you may remember stopped by Green Bay just long enough for a cup of coffee, Ingle Martin. Martin was selected in the 5th round of the 2006 NFL Draft, and owns the rare distinction of serving as 3rd string backup behind Hall of Famers Aaron Rodgers (pending) and Brett Favre. After the 2006 season the Packers realized their top 2 QB’s on the squad were probably good enough to release their Ingle Martin insurance policy, and he subsequently bounced around to a couple other NFL teams, racking up a career total of 2 plays for -5 yards. I bumped into Ingle this week in his hometown of Greenville, South Carolina, while in an open bar beer line at a wedding reception that we both happened to be attending. He works in town there as a Kwik-Kool Heating & Air Conditioning sales representative. “I often fall back on my football experience to close a sale" he said. "It typically goes something like this,” explained Martin, “I steer discussions with potential customers to something about the Carolina Panthers, you know, like ‘Did you catch that game Sunday?’ That’s my opening. Then I mention that I played a little football for the Packers. I say something like ‘Speaking of football, I used to toss the pigskin around a bit myself.’ Then I got them, hook, line, and sinker.” Martin reviewed with me his recent one-hour meeting at Little Red Barn Plush Toys headquarters in Greenvile with CEO Aaron Stadler, who was looking into a Kwik-Kool heat and A/C system for his new factory. Among other things, Stadler learned that Martin played quarterback at nearby Furman College for two years, but blew out his right knee in May 1980.
“It was the annual spring intrasquad game, between my sophomore and junior year, and on the very first play from scrimmage I tore my ACL,” Martin told the toy manufacturer. “And that pretty much ended that season for me, but I knew I could come back my senior year.” "I still remember those practices," said Martin, as he unfolded a glossy Kwik-Kool brochure. "Coach Woodman would put us through hell, pardon my French. The first week of training camp, we'd run 10 miles in full pads every morning and then cool down with something easy, like, oh, 25 WIND SPRINTS! It was insane." Yes, Ingle, that certainly sounds insane. But, anyway, thanks for stopping by Green Bay, and thanks for sharing with me your ongoing saga. And the wedding guest’s a sad and wiser man And the tale goes on and on and on and on
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Author"Coach" is the insightful collective brain and funny bone of a few legendary Packer fans who provide everything you need to know (and what Packers beat writers often plagiarize) about the Green & Gold, plus a weekly guest appearance by The Badger Underground. Archives
November 2022
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